author's rambles:
I might use a little format change *spoof*  Sorry if the first chapter format was pretty crappy, it was my first time using MS Word as my fanfiction typewriter so don't really think about it ^^;  Maybe I'll edit the first chapter in the future… or leave it as it is *sweatdrop*  Btw, I'm still thinking where this story is placing. I think it's Battle at Chang Ban or something with a Chang. This stage is pretty hidden, you have to make the fifth chapter The Fall of Shu, which will swap places with The Fall of Wei (labeled The End of the Three Kingdoms). Anyway, Chang Ban is the Wei capital, so it's really huge and gigantic. *reads the whole note all over again* I can't believe I post this crap *sweatdrop*

OH! Just so you know, this fic is rather… umm… contains a bit Zhang He/Lu Xun. But I'm telling ya, this is not (and precisely not) yaoi. Honestly, I'm not a yaoi fan or fond of shounen-ai sprinkles so needless to say this fic is yaoi-free (thank goddess). Not saying this still isn't ZH/LX though. Lu Xun is a girl in the story, remember? - - standard disclaimers apply - -

My Dear Sweet Fruit!
     chapter two: an alcoholic banquet II—mischief rules

Alas, no blood shed filled the grounds of Fan Castle—or more correctly, no battles. The day was unusually calm and quiet, for they live in warfare for most of the year. Although one fourth of them died not so long ago, neither kingdoms set faces with each other. They all remained in a peaceful—

"PUT THAT DISGUSTING THING AWAY FROM ME!"

…chaotic livelihood.

"But it's gonna look cute on you, Lu Xun!" Xiao Qiao approached the chased strategist with hands bringing a traditional red gown, "I can't believe you're even cuter than the neighborhood songstress!"

The older sister nodded in agreement, "You can't walk around with shorts like that… and girls do not wear manly hats." Da Qiao complimented.

"Well, for your information, ladies, I'm a MAN!" Lu Xun demanded for the umpteenth time of the day, "And quoting you, Lady Sun's wearing pants!"

The mentioned tomboy frowned. Da Qiao quickly noted him, "Shang Xiang isn't wearing pants… she is wearing tights." the following answer caused Lu Xun to snort, "And you need to learn some manners."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do!" Xiao Qiao approached him and dragged his arm.

"H-Hey!"

"You seriously need a beauty make-over, Lu Xun!" Sun Shang Xiang said as she helped the Xiao sisters to drag Lu Xun off his feet, "Imagine how will it be if you replace me as the royal princess…" she went off to a world of her own.

"And moreover," Da Qiao ran off to her tent and came back with another set of blue and pink gowns, "you'll be wearing this on tonight's banquet!"

Being a girl was enough torture for him, Lu Xun shrieked, "LET GOOOO!!"

* * *

It was the twentieth sigh for Zhang He to let out.

No battles, no amusements, or so the Wei troops thought. Until yesterday, they live to conquer the battlement. Not before a certain mischief brought everything to instant silent. To Wu, it may be both a fortune and a disaster. But for Wei, it wasn't a serious matter—except for Cao Cao who wished his plan to suceed successfully without fail, after taking a lot of trouble.

While the rest of the soldiers were preparing catapults and thinking of tactical strategies for tomorrow's battle, Zhang He was thinking of something else.

"You look odd," from across the royal chamber, came Sima Yi, "You don't usually sulk all day like this, something's wrong?"

What flashed in Zhang He's mind came to an instant, "…who's that girl?"

Sima Yi's eyelids widen, "Girl who?"

"That new girl at the Wu kingdom…"

"Umm…" Sima Yi wasn't in the mood for that topic, "I don't know… maybe Gan Ning's new fiancee?" he couldn't think of anything else.

"Oh, I see…" Zhang He sighed again, "By the way, what brings you here?"

"Ah, right," the soon-to-be commander almost lost his words, "we're going to delay today's battle to tomorrow. You'll have to prepare until then."

But the beauty-obsesser didn't respond, in which Sima Yi ignored. He then walked away towards the door—

"Curse you, Gan Ning,"

Sima Yi bothered to look back, he saw Zhang He clenched his fist, facing down.

"…just when I found the girl of my dreams…"

And Sima Yi stormed to the royal chamber.

* * *

Shrieks and muses was heard from the royal dressing room.

"Ahh… so noisy…" Zhou Yu sighed, "I wonder what's going on there?"

"Probably the girls are playing dress-up," Taishi Ci shrugged, "and convincing Lu Xun to join."

Visions of aprons and tea-parties emerged, "Euh… Lu Xun's wearing pink…" Gan Ning's face went bright blue.

Everyone looked at Gan Ning oddly, sweatdropping.

Zhou Tai frowned, "HEY! I thought we're practicing here!" he yelled. The rest of the men promptly walked back in place.

Gan Ning heaved a groan, drawing his sword, "Anyway, those girls better not be dragging Lu Xun overboard… the only person who's allowed to do that is—YEOOCH!!!"

Apparently, Taishi Ci stroke a sensitive area between the pirate's legs. No, it's not his fault. Gan Ning didn't have his guard properly, after all. The rest of the Wu officers shown sour faces for the twisted pain. Zhou Yu said, his eyebrows narrowing, "That's got to hurt…"

[ later that night—the banquet ]

"Yeow… turkey!" Gan Ning shouted cheerfully, seeing his most favorite feast to come by his table, "I can eat the whole plate with this~"

Yes, the long-awaited banquet was held once again. It was unlikely for the Wu kingdom to spend a day clean from battles during the warfare, for they celebrated it with a humble banquet. Xingba's favorite roast turkey, soups of variety, spreading salad dressings, and hundreds of other delicious plates. Surprisingly, the whole dining room—which was full of dirt and assembled with only one rusty table—was altered completely with more lightings and flower bouquets, also spotlessly clean. Wasn't it supposed to be humble?

"NO! Banquets are supposed to be goddamn great!" he dissed before putting a piece of hotwing into his mouth, "I mean, just look at all the food—"

*SMACK*

"We're not going to eat before father comes, so hold your tongue for a few minutes, Xingba." Sun Shang Xiang warned with her finger pointing out.

"Ugh, right…" Gan Ning rubbed his head, "By the way, where's Boyan?"

She made a face of frustration, "He's probably crying in his room again, he kept sobbing the whole day…"

Gan Ning's eyebrows rose, "Come to think of it, is she pretty?" the pirate asked with a grin.

"Why… yes, very pretty," Shang Xiang replied. Gan Ning grinned even more, "didn't you see him when Lu Meng investigated you?"

"Nope," was Xingba's short answer, "Lu Meng was too busy asking me questions that I didn't pay any attention to Boyan. All I remembered was he sobbing at the corner of the room."

"But seriously," Lu Meng sat next to Shang Xiang, while he was greeted with a bleep-eyeing Gan Ning, "does Lu Xun hate his transformation so bad? I heard endless cries and whines this afternoon at his camp."

Shang Xiang shuddered the moment she and the Qiao sisters chased Lu Xun, "Maybe, he doesn't want to be dressed at all."

Lu Meng rolled his eyes. Gan Ning gagged, "Of course he would. No guy wanna wear skirts even though he changed to a girl." a vision of Madame Xingba approached his mind.

Lady Sun was about to comment when Sun Jian reached the table and sat on his superior seat. The three immediately greeted him with forced smiles—in which the leader smiled in return—and then continued their discussion after moments of obvious acts. After Sun Jian, there came his sons and the rest of the Wu officers. The following sequence caused them to stop discussing, although it looked very serious. Strangely enough, Lu Xun hadn't appear. But Gan Ning was sure he will, he knew Lu Xun would be in tears of joy.

"…kinda makes you wonder what'll he wear this night…"

Although everyone knew Lu Xun was now a woman, they didn't mention a word of it. Truth be told, those who hadn't seen the lady were left in anxiety and curiosity. Lu Xun was known as a thoughtful young strategist with manners as high as the heavens. Due to his brilliance, he was respected greatly by his lord and the other officers. If anything were to happen to him; even changing into a girl, everyone will surely come to his aid.

Unfortunately, being a girl had made him lost his manners partially. He became overstressed. Even more stressed than being encountered by Zhuge Liang.

Everyone quickly emerged their thoughts of Lady Boyan and shown hilarious faces of their own.

Not after an armored woman walked into the dining room. Her head was facing down, with a headpiece handed around her arms. Her hair was shoulder-length and chestnut colored. Too bad her beautiful face was held down. Almost all men of the dining room groaned.

More precisely, they thought it was a liquor server.

"What's with all the face?" she asked confusedly, "You looked like you just seen a ghost."

Everyone paused.

"Oh. My. God." Gan Ning's eyes almost popped out, "Is that you, Lu Xun???"

"Umm… yes?"

The boys felt a boner.

"Lu Xun?" Da Qiao pondered from her seat, "I thought I told you to wear the dress!"

"No, Lady Ce, I cannot wear it. I'm a man, and everybody knows that." somehow, his voice didn't show how deep his saying was. His voice was uber feminine.

"You were a man," Lu Meng corrected him, which wasn't thanked but yanked, "you look five years younger, y'know?"

Lu Xun made a fake laugh in devastation, "Thank you," he murmured, "but I'm young already." he sat next to Gan Ning, as he usually do.

That very moment, something flashed into his mind, sense of bad happenings in the future… he thought. He sighed as he slyly ate his beef steak.

* * *

An alcoholic banquet, will always go like it usually did. The women; Lady Sun, Lady Ce, and Lady Yu, were stuck with the meddling drunkers, having to serve dozens and dozens of liquor bottles every thirty minutes. No one, even the Qiao sisters, thought that Sun Ce and Zhou Yu would let their wives be one of the liquor servers and became slightly stripped during the overboarded dance. Mostly because their husbands were one of the people who caused drunkage, but either one of them remembered what happened. People lose their minds when drunked, after all.

Well, most of the men did enjoy drinking, and get drunk all night. Somehow, it was also fortunate for three women. They could see the negative sides of their men by just making them sip a cup of liquor. When they were drunk, they could babble freely of everything, or just act insane. And even though they laughed due to the embarrassment, they wouldn't care, and continue the insanity. Ah, the joy.

And it was all man, including Lu Xun. Lu Xun may be not older than twenty-five nor younger than eighteen—he was old enough to drink alcohol. Although he said, "alcohol is evil." to everybody he knew, he joined the alcoholic banquets anyway. Well, of course he would! Gan Ning will always shove a bottle to his mouth!

This night was rather different in many ways.

Since now there was a transgender in the corner, the number of liquor servers—

"I AM NOT!"

…or so we thought.

After rounds of wrestling matches and naked dances, as usual, Gan Ning drove Lu Xun overnight and play the drinking game with a few leftover drunk officers like Zhu Ran, Pan Zhang, even Sun Ce. He also brought his merry men, which were now scattered everywhere at the dining room—some were sleeping at the table, sleep-walking, or simply mumble in their sleep. They were to die another day, after all.

"Ab'bah~" Zhu Ran drank his fifth bottle, was about to falter, "I c'not hold a'ni lug'er~"

"For the love of goats, Zhu!" Sun Ce spattered, mistaken God to goats, "You only drank four!"

It was then when lord Sun Ce teamed up with Zhu Ran and Gan Ning was with Pan Zhang. Gan Ning and his fellows tried to convince Lu Xun on drinking, but he was still refusing and got stuck with them for the rest of the midnight hour, watching their amusing shows.

"Grrr… the great Sun Ce… not known only by the name "The Little Conqueror", but also the great "Drinker of the Stars"!" Gan Ning snickered and laughed out loud.

"Drinker of the Stars"? Lu Xun rolled his eyes, where the heck did that come from?

"Yo Pan Zhang, ya still alive!?" he stroke his hand on Pan Zhang's head.

"Zzzzzz~~~" no response.

"HAH! Looks like ya lost yer chance to score!" Sun Ce coughed back gag, "Yer general's dead!"

It took a while for Gan Ning to realize Pan Zhang passed out already.

Oops… obvious… Lu Xun moked, Gan Ning's as stupid as a cow when he's drunk, I won't be too surprised. But wait… am I that stupid too?

"But y'know… it keeps me wondering…" Sun Ce mumbled, "Have ya seen Zhou Yu drunk before? I never seen him faint after a drinking game… all you got is a fresh-looking lad…"

Gan Ning nodded, agreeing, "Yeah… I always thought Lu Xun's immune to alcohol… but he's not really different from us…"

Lu Xun's face fell, When I'm drunk, I'm not smarter than a chicken… and I don't think clearly, as everyone does… and I also play a lot with Xingba's bells, if I'm not mistaken… he regained unwanted memories of his own.

"What the hell I'm saying?" Gan Ning noticed Lu Xun was still here, "Oh, it's you, Boyan. Want some alcohol?"

Lu Xun glared in sarcasm.

"Com'on, ya know ya wanna…" Gan Ning approached him, about to shove a bottle.

"I am NOT drinking this night." Lu Xun exclaimed, "This body won't hold as strong as I was…"

"That what's making it easier, right?" Gan Ning made a fake grin. Lu Xun felt like screaming. The pirate shouted out, "HEY GUYS! GET 'EEERR!!!"

Sun Ce and Zhu Ran ran to Lu Xun's direction, opening their welcoming arms to him. Paralyzed, Boyan didn't know what to do. He was too stunned due to lack of stamina, and he was very sleepy. And the two's arms were about to—

"NGAH!!"

There went two shooting stars up in the sky, thanks to Lu Xun's twin sabers, of course.

"Ahh… man… just when we're about to have fun…" Gan Ning fumed.

[ at the meeting tent ]

"Did you hear something?" Lu Meng clinged, asking the still-drunk Taishi Ci.

"Huuhh?" Taishi muttered with a drool.

Lu Meng rolled his eyes, "Nevermind…" and continued to work more on tomorrow's strategy.

Zhou Yu came storming to the tent and yelled, "HEY! Has anybody seen Lu Xun?"

"Well… maybe Gan Ning's driving him nuts again as usual…" that happened everyday, he wouldn't be too surprised of his absence.

"Gan Ning and Lu Xun!?" Zhou Yu flashed a look of concern, " I don't think that's a good idea…"

"It's only Xingba!" Lu Meng snapped, "He's not going to do anything to Lu Xun! They're probably just entertaining themselves right now, like they do every banquet…"

Zhou Yu looked at him unbelievably, "Lu Meng, Lu Xun's a girl now…" he said, lowing his tone, "and you know how Gan Ning is… if he's drunk, he's out of control. Who knows what he'll do to Lu Xun?"

Lu Meng was about to answer when Taishi Ci twitched out, "But y'know, I've been thinking…" he looked really disgusting, "Lu Xun really did change. I mean, SHE'S SEXIER THAN SHANG XIANG NOW!" he laughed.

Zhou Yu slapped his forehead. Lu Meng's eyes blinked, "Uh-oh,"

*POW*

Sun Shang Xiang gritted her teeth and shot a death glare at the fallen Wu officer. Zhou Yu and Lu Meng sweatdropped in surprise. She later questioned, "Have you seen my brothers?"

"Sun Quan is out setting the sieges, and Sun Ce…" Zhou Yu wondered, "I think he's still with Gan Ning…"

Shang Xiang muttered a "great!" not after she walked out the tent.

As she made her way to her tent, among the deep recesses of the cedars, two violet eyes staring the camp mused revealingly, "That Gan Ning… stealing the love of my life… such beautiful face covered with pale skin… voice more melodious than the wind… and her body is amusing a DISNEYLAND! MWAHAHAHA!!" he laughed hysterically out of the blue—

…and fell down the tree.

Then jumped back up again.

Shang Xiang turned her face promptly to the direction where the muses came, followed by Zhou Yu and Lu Meng. She turned to him and asked, "Did you hear something?"

Zhou Yu admitted, "I did hear some whispers…"

"…and 'Mwahahaha'," Lu Meng added, imitating the laugh oddly.

"Probably just the woodpeckers," Shang Xiang shrugged and continued her walk to her camp.

Zhou Yu and Lu Meng looked at each other quizzically, Do woodpeckers appear at night?

Back at the 'deep recesses of the cedars', "How dare you mistaken me as a filthy little WOODPECKER!!" the mysterious man behind the trees clenched his fist, "Just wait, you little—"

*BANG*

"No, no, no!" Sun Quan shook his head in disagreement, "Put the siege over there!" he pointed out.

And let out a pancake-flat Zhang He.

Yes, Zhang He had sneaked into the Wu camp to hunt for his beauty princess, the Beautiful Boyan.

[ back at the dining room ]

"Now… that's better." Lu Xun huffed.

He said as he finished tying several ropes around a crisped Gan Ning and his bells. He tied up to ten layers of rope, so Xingba's bells wouldn't ring whenever he forced himself to escape. Lu Xun didn't forget to cover Gan Ning's mouth with a few handkerchiefs scattered around the ruined table. He also dumped his fellow pirate with empty liquor battles they drank that night. Luckily, Gan Ning passed out from the alcohol—

…or fainted for being beaten up badly with Lu Xun's burning twin sabers.

* * *

"WHAT!? Zhang He's nowhere to be found!?" Cao Cao's already full-fire mood lighten up madly again.

Sima Yi raised his hand, "Umm… I think I know why…"

"Well, what is it, Sima Yi?" Cao Cao asked with his roaring voice. The failed attempt to kill Sun Jian was enough to make him angry, including Zhang He's disappearance.

"Umm… it seems like the potion we use was mistaken as poison…" he scratched his head.

Empress Zhen widen her eyes. Cao Cao pondered mad, "WHAT!?"

"It's not a death sentence?" Zhen Ji questioned in disbelief, stepping away from Cao Cao.

Sima Yi nodded, "It's… err… I think it's a potion that turns a man into a girl… or something that involves gender swap…" he assumed.

Cao Cao jaw dropped, Zhen Ji kicked it back to place. She started her line of questions, "What does it have to do with Zhang He?"

Sima Yi took a deep breath, getting ready to hear the excitement after they heard this news, "It appears that Zhang He is lovingly interested with Wu service-in-commander Lu Xun as we speak!" he presumed, "I saw him talking dreamily not long ago…"

"WHAT!?" Cao Cao lost his temper and boomed out, "I CAN take a failed plan, but HAVING AN OFFICER CHASING OUR VICTIM IS OUT OF THE QUESTION!!"

"And one more thing…" Sima Yi raised his finger to eye-level, before letting Cao Cao to continue his mad rambles, "I think Zhang He not only fell in love with him—or her… I have a feeling he wants that person SEXUALLY." the last word was said in a drastically high volume.

Cao Cao's face faulted.

"Also, I hate to say this but, we have to cancel tomorrow's battle (again) and work together with our enemy to save Zhang He." Sima Yi explained briefly, "Besides, this case doesn't have anything to do with our rivalry. We have to work out too."

Cao Cao fainted.

Sima Yi groaned depressingly, "Just what did you add in that potion, Zhen Ji?"

Zhen Ji stared at him sarcastically.

~tbc

author's rambles:
Euh… sorry if this chapter sucks, it's not as funny as the previous *fumes*  This chapter is more… narrative, that contains more text than I wanted it to be. I want it to be scriptive but looks like I got carried away --;;  But the narration doesn't suck that much, go ahead and read! I can't believe that my MS Word is screwing up with me again (if you read the rants in my profile page, you'll understand). Now I'm typing from my mom's laptop, which got a smaller keyboard that makes it hard on typing *kicks laptop* and no Winamp, so I'm stuck with my mini-compo *devastated*

To the reviewers, thank you so much for your feedbacks! Yes, Zhang He is a narcissist. But I personally think Sima Yi and Zhang He are both narcissists. Sima Yi does have good manners, but somehow he pushed it to a higher region ("victory cannot be rushed…") which sounds very annoying *shudder*  He also wears those fluffies, and a bathrobe??? (or so I thought)  Zhang He is still the most and foremost beauty-obsessed narcissist of all though. And yeah, Lu Xun is probably around 5'4". Asian people aren't really tall, especially around the third century… no offense, I'm Asian too, y'know.

Kay, kay, I know the chapter unexpectedly sucks, but I promise, the third chapter will be better, I've outlined it and it's full of laughs. But before then, don't forget to review~~~  Your comments will forever be supportive ^_____^

PS: About pronouns, I'll keep Lu Xun as a "he" now. Maybe I'm gonna change it to "she" later on… I don't have a good nickname for her…