author's note:
Chapter three finally! INSANITY RULES! *got hit by a flying bunny slope*  No, no, no, this is not the final chapter. I'm not just gonna end a fic once and for all. I still need more random corruptions! *psychopath*  Err… right, this chapter might be the whakiest so far. The start of Zhang He's race for the forever lovingly *cough gag* Boyan *glares at the laugh-and-roll Shang Xiang*  I won't explain much about Lu Xun's current physical features, so use your imagination carefully. Just think of an extremely hot babe in Lu Xun's clothes… with hair around shoulder-length and an oversized headpiece. Still ZH/LX! Keep reading!

Also about that Chang Ban thing… sorry, my mistake ^^;  It's Xu Chang. Xu Chang, the capital of Wei. But forget it, it's Fan Castle now. Actually I figured it out a few moments after I uploaded this chapter, silly me ;p  Also forgot to mention about the timeline. I know that I revived a few characters here. Sun Ce supposed to be dead during Sun Quan's period. So let's say that everybody's alive in the same time, kay? Make me happy. 
- - standard disclaimers apply - -

My Dear Sweet Fruit!
     chapter three: narcissist turned skirt-chaser—Lu Xun's kidnapped!

"I can't believe I have to fight with this body…"

Lu Xun groaned for the hundredth time. As usual, he was riding his Hex Mark horse, circling the supply depot and led his guards to defend it. For the first time, he used lady guards, instead of regular infantries. Yet another reason to groan, even guards mistook him as one of Gan Ning's mistresses, after yesterday's case. Then the final reason was, his headpiece kept slipping down. Thanks to that, he had to be busy every one minute.

"…if only I could work with a lot of fire…" he hissed.

"…you'll be completely unstoppable," Gan Ning whispered from his back, letting Lu Xun jumped out for a few moments, "too bad we're not preparing any fire attacks here. Huang Gai's stuffed for what happened at Chi Bi."

"Oh, you mean the one when he accidentally got shot out with a cannonball?" the young strategist asked. Gan Ning replied grinning. During this second, Huang Gai sneezed.

Gan Ning noticed that Lu Xun's hair grew a bit longer as a woman, "Are you feeling comfortable? Seeing you as a girl sure looks odd."

Lu Xun glanced at Gan Ning's sensitive area, it was striking up, "Don't tell me you like my current appearance…" Gan Ning quickly looked away, blushing. Lu Xun sighed, "Fighting as a girl doesn't look so bad… my body's lighter now, I can fight more with speed. Lack of strength, however."

"Say… care for a bet?" the pirate offered, watching the morning fog began to fade, "The person who kills the most men will win and the loser'll have to something in return. You can do it fast, do you?"

The younger man partially accepted, "Kay… if you lose, what're you going to do?"

"I'll hold up a stripping dance with my lady guards on tonight's dinner—"

"…and wear pink!"

Gan Ning frowned, "Oh, phoey! What about you, Boyan?"

"Well… I'm a girl now so…"

"Spend a night with me?" Gan Ning gave a seductive smirk.

Zhou Yu was in front of his siege, narrowing his sight to the Xu Chang. He was out to find the perfect position to use his sieges. A platform not higher than ten meters, which was the sieges' limit. Higher than that, the soldiers will be forced to walk down a zero degree fall, or climbing. Good thing he remembered that he was personally a horrible climber.

"They're not coming out…" Sun Ce gritted his teeth in frustration.

Sun Shang Xiang rested behind her horse's head, "Ahh… I can't believe they're making us wait…"

Not until a letter through an unleashed arrow burst out to Sun Quan's direction, which landed on a tree right behind the emperor. Promptly, Sun Quan fell from his horse in shock.

While Shang Xiang approached her brother, Sun Ce approached the fired arrow and took off its letter.

"What is it?" she asked, holding Sun Quan and his spiral eyes.

Sun Ce cussed inaudibly. Not long after that, he heard his father yelling from afar.

"FALL BACK! We're going back, everyone! Back to the camp!" Sun Jian yelled, ordering his men to spread the word immediately.

"Another cancel?" Shang Xiang placed her hands on her waist, causing Sun Quan's head to fall, "I can't believe it!"

"I think that's not the problem…" Zhou Yu came running his horse near Shang Xiang, "I suspect the Wei officers may have something to do with Lu Xun…"

Shang Xiang looked at him unbelievably, "Is it even possible?" due to the fact that their soldiers were seven times stupider than her's.

"They were the ones who caused many mischief's around here, they even canceled yesterday's battle at the first place." Sun Ce slashed in, scrounging the piece of paper, "Now they're asking us for a peaceful meeting…"

Zhou Yu agreed, "If they weren't the ones who changed Lu Xun into a woman, they would happily throw a full attack to our fort," he brushed his hair, which was recessing everywhere, "which in fact, they don't."

"If they really did, how do you think they did it?"

The two childhood friends shrugged as one. Shang Xiang snorted.

Not long after that, Sima Yi rode his horse and brought five of his men to the Wu camp. He painted his men's bosoms with assembling text of WE CAME IN PEACE. The Wu soldiers cautiously opened a path to the present generals, who were staring at them blankly in confusion.

"We. Came. In peace." Sima Yi and his men exclaimed pleadingly.

Shang Xiang pointed out, "Err… yeah. I can see it in the name of your arse."

The soldiers immediately approached Shang Xiang beggingly and kneeled, "OH! Thank you so much for your generosity, Lady Sun! We are in your debt!" and kissed her fingers, which was the least favorite thing to experience.

 "Yes… we truly thank you…" Sima Yi said in his ever-sophisticated robe and fan, dismounting horse, "Lady Sun Shang Xiang, wasn't it?"

"I don't understand you! Why are you cancelling our battle again?" Sun Ce spattered from the background.

"We don't mean any harm," Zhen Ji walked out from behind Sima Yi's horse, "we want to… help you out."

Zhou Yu's eyebrows rose, "Help us out? You mean, you know everything about Lu Xun!?" he battered toward.

"You can say that…" Zhen Ji noted, "but in return, you will have to help us too!" she stroke Shang Xiang's chest with her flute.

"What do you want?" The Little Conqueror pouted, "Sweep your dungeons and clean your toilets?"

"No, no, we clean water closets by ourselves, thank you very much." Sima Yi denied the fake joke which was taken seriously, "This favor of ours is more important than any victory."

The Wu officers blinked—

Zhen Ji sighed, "One of our officers is missing."

…and face-faulted.

Sun Ce rubbed his head, "Sorry, missy… but we do not help our enemies to search their missing officers. Otherwise, we'll be burying our own graves." He said matter-of-factly, imitating Zhou Yu's accent.

"Oh," Zhen Ji released her pressure over her attached flute on Shang Xiang, "so… you think our offer are not worthy enough for you? Very well, I'll take that as a 'no'." she walked over to Sima Yi's horse, "And may your strategist never returns." a hint of grin revealed.

"Hold it right there!" Zhou Yu snapped, "You mentioned earlier that you know everything behind Lu Xun's transformation. And you also need assistance in your officer's retrieval." he then assumed, "I suspect your missing officer has anything to do with our's… care to explain?"

Zhen Ji's face changed totally, as well as her speaking manners, "Umm… I don't think any one of you will believe us…"

"Oh really?" Zhou Yu approached her, "Changing into a girl is already a miracle. What else could go better?"

The wife of Cao Pi muttered a "fine" accusingly, "Alright, it all started when we're fixing a scheme to eliminate Sun Jian… or in other words, to you, the superior of your kingdom—"

"Wait! So you mean, you want to kill father!?" Shang Xiang interrupted.

Worried of a word slip, Zhen Ji quickly made an expression and fake reason, "I mean, to distract Sun Jian, so he won't be able to fight for our battle. It doesn't change the fact that you still want our lord's head, right? I mean, we are enemies… except today, of course."

Shang Xiang mumbled one thousand curses.

"Anyway," Zhen Ji continued on, "we were thinking of poisoning his soup during your banquet, so we came to your camp during the night hiddenly. However, it appears that we poisoned the wrong bowl… which wasn't Sun Jian's."

"Oh? So you wanna turn pop into a lady!?" Sun Ce demanded unbelievably.

"Pretty much, yes, but…" she replied hesitantly, combing her hair with fingers, "who will you choose? Sun Jian or the strategist?"

Zhou Yu surrendered, "Obviously Lu Xun. I can't imagine lord Sun Jian being a lady of some sort… not only his children will freak, Lady Wu will surely have a heart-attack." images of a pink-dressed 'Tiger of Jiang Dong' invaded, "But what does it have to do with this officer of yours?"

In all honesty, Zhen Ji would love to plug their ears, "Surprisingly… our missing officer, Zhang He, fell in love with that man-turned-woman as we speak…" she rolled her eyes, "Yeah, I know you won't believe me, but it's true!"

The Wu officers bleep-eyed… except Shang Xiang, who was constantly rolling on the ground laughing, "I knew it! I KNEW IT!! ZHANG HE GOT A CRUSH ON LU XUN!!" and continued to laugh hysterically.

"Shang Xiang, stop that… this isn't funny…" Sun Ce muttered breathlessly.

"Yeah… this isn't funny…" Shang Xiang held her stomach, "THIS IS HILARIOUS!!" and laughed ten times louder.

Ignoring Shang Xiang's constant laugh, the older strategist questioned, "But how in the world did Zhang He fall in love with Lu Xun? It's… out of the question!"

"YEAH!" Gan Ning piped in out of nowhere, "Lu Xun's a guy! He can't be stalked by another guy except—OUW!"

Zhou Yu rubbed his pinched knuckle, "This means, we have to save Lu Xun and Zhang He! And if he's over-obsessed, that's even worse!" he exclaimed.

Sima Yi slapped his forehead, "For the second time, Zhen Ji, what did you put in that potion?"

"How do I suppose to know? I bought it from Madame Sandy at Szechuan!" Zhen Ji shot back, "All I remember is… she said it contains sugar, spice, and everything nice…"

"HA! The ingredients Shang Xiang perfectly needs!" Gan Ning mocked teasingly with a grinning face.

*POW*

Zhen Ji added, ignoring Gan Ning's aching, "She also mentioned that she accidentally spilled Chemical-X… but that's what makes the Powerpuff Girls so special, isn't it?"

The rest of them frowned. Sun Quan wondered what Powerpuff Girls are. Sima Yi shook his head in devastation, "You know that drinking those stuff could make you look like an old hag during your late twenties, right? If you worship beauty, then do what Zhang He does."

The empress slipped her foot to his' and knocked him, "So the point is, we're here to eliminate the mishaps happening here. Do I make myself clear?"

The Wu officers nodded uncharacteristically.

Sima Yi narrowed his eyebrows, "Now, where could Zhang He be…"

And a femine shriek went hollering overboard.

"Eureka!"

"Hey, bro! Check out that hot girl!" Xiahou Yuan pat his companion as he removed his eyes from the telescope, which was revealing a desperately running female in red.

Xiahou Dun snickered in delight, "Fuu~~  that girl may be the vision of my liquid dreams~~"

The shriek went closer and closer—

…and vanished.

All of the officers blinked in lost of excitement.

Until a messy-haired Zhang He came screeching to Sima Yi and begged, "SIMA YI! Thank goddess you're here! Did you see the love of my life? The beautiful girl I devoted my life to?" his hands grabbed Sima Yi's sleeves.

"Uh… the bathroom???" Shang Xiang piped hesitantly.

The narcissist instantly turned to her in a hysteric face, "REALLY!?"

"Yes!" a fake smile poped out.

Sima Yi looked at her with a fuzzy face, "…you have a bathroom here?"

"Well, for the time being, we use the river nearby as our bathing spot." Shang Xiang pointed the river flow not so far.

"…that makes sense…"

Zhang He ungripped Sima Yi's sleeves and quickly ran over to the river happily and sang, "Oh, my dear sweet fruit~~"

All the officers kept statically silence.

…not before Lu Xun came running in tiptoes from a pile of barrels.

"Is he gone?" he grabbed a slash of Zhou Yu's attire.

"Lu Xun!" Zhou Yu widen his eyes, starting his lines of questions, "Where have you been? What happened to you? Why are you so… messy?"

Lu Xun stared in hatter to the direction where the sing echoed, in which Zhou Yu understood later on. He arranged his hat back after being flown to eight hundred ways, "Thanks to that furball, I'll be busy 24/7… I mean, if that guy really worships beauty, why don't you he chase the Qiao sisters and leave me alone?"

Zhou Yu glared in return, "If he does that, I'll kick his ass. But since it's you, then I won't bother messing with him. Besides, you're a lot prettier than them now. Don't you regret being borned as a man?"

The younger man pouted, until he turned to find his enemies one meter far from him. He hollered, "ASSASSINS! What the ^$#%@ are you doing he—"

"Whoops! No cursing for Lu Xun!" Shang Xiang covered his mouth promptly.

After moments of struggling, Lu Xun was about to attack. Luckily, he was stopped by Zhou Yu, "Err… actually, they're not really our enemies today." Lu Xun looked at him confusedly, "Look, they know almost everything about your transformation, so we better tolerate them while we can. Let's just say we're out of the battlefield, okay?" Gongjin patted his head.

"You mean… they're the ones that…" he pointed sixteen marks of his well-changed body, "turned me into this…!?!?!?"

Zhou Yu nodded.

"Well, that's what makes them our enemies, right!?"

"Calm down!" Zhou Yu held his shoulders, "That's why, they're helping us to find a way to cure you! Because your transformation attracted one of their officers too. This means, we're now carrying dead-weights in our party."

"Oh right, one of their officers fell in love with me because I completely lost my masculine features," he took distinguishing glances around his body.

"Anyway, let's just listen to them and we'll work this out. We won't stop until you change back, I promise."

Lu Xun looked at his senior doubtfully, "Really?"

"Yes. I guarantee with the lives of all my house!" Zhou Yu reassured with a happy face.

The young strategist rolled his eyes heavenwards, "You don't even have a permanent house, Zhou Yu…"

Shang Xiang then interrupted, "Speaking of Zhang He, there he is." she pointed the direction where a happily singing ponytailed man ran melodiously, in which everybody set their eyes on.

Boyan's face went purple, and quickly hid his face behing Zhou Yu, "Get me away from him! When he asks you, tell me I'm in the bathroom!"

"We already said you went to the bathroom."

"Then tell him I'm in Wujun or something… just get rid of him for me!" he whisper-screeched.

Zhou Yu sighed in the request. Not until Zhang He approached him with a rather, rather disappointed face. The reason was pretty much obvious that all of them knew.

"Did you see her? She isn't in the bathroom!" Zhang He asked tearfully.

"Umm…" Zhou Yu awkwardly find the perfect lie, "…he just got kidnapped by the Wujun bandits so—"

"Those Wujun scums will feel my wr—"

"NO!" Zhou Yu immediately stopped him and made another lie, "He's… uh…" just now, Lu Xun was walking over his tent, which Zhou Yu hadn't have a clue of, "…in his tent?" he didn't realize Lu Xun was out of his wing.

"Really? Thank you, THANK YOU!" and planted a kiss on Gongjin's cheek.

Zhou Yu paused. The others paralyzed.

"…bisexual freak…" he cussed inaudibly as he looked to his back, "he's gone no—hey, where's Lu Xun?"

"Oh God. Oh God. What should I DO!?" Lu Xun stroke his hair miserably as he was also having dandruff problems, "I'm being chased by a crazy, beauty-obsessed GAY!" or so he thought, "Damn. I gotta think of a plan of getting rid of him… or I might end up in his bed!!"

"I didn't know you dreamt of a bed so soon…"

As the familiar voice echoed throughout his tent, he looked back.

The next thing the whole world knew, a high-pitched scream triggered as the cliffs collapsed.

"Uh-oh. Lu Xun was in his tent after all?" Zhou Yu muttered in a sour face.

Suddenly, one of Gan Ning's pirates yelled an announcement, "CAPTAIN! COMMANDER LU XUN IS MISSING!!"

Gan Ning's angered took over, "WHAT!? You mean that Zhang He guy took his away to Fan Castle!? That's ridiculous!" he ordered, "Go chase him before he went inside the castle! We're not gonna let our officers being raped!"

"Damn!" Sun Ce cursed, "HEY! You Wei bags should go to—what!?"

"ZHANG HEEEE~~" Sima Yi hollered as his horse already took advantage from any officer standing there. Oh, such glory.

While the Wu and Wei officers chased the runaway groom, Lu Xun was still struggling from Zhang He's gripped, which was surprisingly tight and caused temporary asthma, "Ugh… let go of me, you big galoot!" his Wujun accent slipped out of his tongue accidentally.

"No, ya ain't! You're MINE!!" Zhang He grinned devilishly not before letting out his typical "Mwahahahahaha" laugh.

"NOOO!! LET GO—"

And Zhang He threw his bride gently to a traditional horse-cart. After flying a kiss to Lu Xun, he ran with hops to the forest to get roses for his wedding… or simply spread it to his bed of flowers.

Fortunately, Gan Ning and his merry men came to save the day—well, almost. But anyway, Lu Xun was in tears of joy.

"XINGBAAA~~!!" he cried with his miserable feminine tone.

"Yo! What're you doing in a cartwheel?" Gan Ning peeked into the cart.

"I don't know, looks like Zhang He's out to pick flowers or something for his beauty facial…" Lu Xun forwarded his head out of the cart and quickly pulled Gan Ning's cloth, "But more importantly… Get. Me. Out of HERE!!"

"But I ain't got nothing to bring you back in an instant… I didn't bring a horse…"

"Then get onto the horse and bring me back to camp!!" he yelled in front of the pirate's face.

"And Zhang He's gonna come back and chase you again."

Lu Xun ungripped Gan Ning's cloth as he inhaled deeply after desperately breathing through Lu Xun's grip. Because too many things happened to him lately, the strategist couldn't think properly, which was commented roughly by his comrade, "You sure are screwed up, Boyan."

He snorted, "Well, if you turn into a girl like me, and being chased by a rosy-phony, how would you feel?"

Gan Ning kept silent.

"Anyway, you better rescue me from that beauty freak. I don't want to be laid on a bed of flowers!" Lu Xun twitched.

"HEY! I'm trying, kay? It ain't that easy!" Gan Ning silently scolded, "Besides, why do you always have to count on me out of all people?"

The strategist sighed, then spread his fingers, "One, we've been working together in many missions, so it's good to help each other, which is very general. Two, I've saved your ass a couple of times and it's time for you to pay back my deeds. Three, you never done anything good, so you have to something pleasant for once. Four, I was the first to consider you as a well-worth officer. Five, I know your deepest secrets and everything about your past which I could spread into the royal newspaper. Six, I know where you put your childhood photos. Seven, I can tell everybody that you collect Chinese plush dolls in your closet. Eight, I also can tell everybody that you can't sleep without a teddybear. Nine, I know how to dettach those bells. Ten—"

"Alright, alright, ALRIGHT!!" Gan Ning shrieked with a fearful face, "I'll save you! But I'm still thinking how!"

"Take your time! Just don't let that—Uh-oh." Lu Xun bleep-eyed to see Zhang He's song came closer.

"Ach, my bad. I gotta go." the older man murmured before drawing his head out of the cart, "See ya, bro!"

"B-But hey! WAIT! I thought I told you to…" but the pirate was now far away, "…save me…"

Gan Ning of the bells and his merry men was already nowhere in sight.

"…bloody pirates…"

Sun Ce and Zhou Yu ran to find Gan Ning running towards his direction.

"Hey! Where's Lu Xun?" the little prince asked.

The pirate pointed to the faded shadows of the Fan Castle, "Umm… he's off to the enemy's den, I think… Zhang He placed him in a horse-cart."

Zhou Yu whispered thoughtfully, "Hmm… so he's being kidnapped by Zhang He…"

Sun Ce complimented the situation, crossing his arms to the back of his head, "This is getting interesting!"

Silence.

"Uh-oh." the three muttered as one.

~tbc

more babbling
Alright, maybe not as hilarious as I promised but it's fun to see Lu Xun being chased and constantly screaming hysterically. Moreover, it's scriptive, so it's funner reading ^____^  Sorry if it contains many grammatical errors, I got a rush into it, cause school is starting and I wanna finish it quickly. Btw, a few of the conversations aren't original. Like the one about "I guarantee with the lives of all my house" is obviously taken from the novel (hence, Kan Ze's line about his compliment of Lu Xun) and that "bloody pirates" one is from Pirates of the Carribean *heehee* a very, very common curse word dedicated to pirates.

And thank you for the wonderful feedbacks everyone! Just so you know, if you guys are still reading this fic, keep reviewing or simply contact me… anything to let me know you're still reading it. But anyway, your reviews are very refreshing ^_^_^_^_^_^  My bad, school's starting, so forgive me if the update's slowing down. I have a lot to learn, y'know.