dynasty warriors and its characters © koeigames, inc.

My Dear Sweet Fruit
     chapter five: Hey JULIET!!!

"AAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!! I wanna DIEEE~~~!!"

"What is it, Xiao!?"

 "Sis, it hurts… it hurts…!"

"What's wrong!?"

"Uhh… *sniff* …uhhh…"

A long silence ensued.

"For goodness sake, Xiao, it's only a pinky!"

Sounds of crickets and owls broke the quiet peace emerged within the crystalline forest. Not exactly crystal, but flown water tinted on each leaf. The moonlight stroke a shine and reflected the glow of each tear, sending warm glitters to the pines. It was indeed a beautiful night—

…but wasn't beautiful enough with miserable shrieking whines. (enough with the melancholy!)

"…I think we're lo—"

"That's it," Sun Quan noticeably pointed a finger, "no more 'we're lost' crap."

Shang Xiang whimpered, "But we are lo—"

"And don't even mention that word,"

The girl glowered in sarcasm, shoving couples of grenades, peroxide firecrackers, potions and poisons, a monotonous journal, a series of Romance of the Three Kingdoms graphic novels ("Hey, that's our book!" Lu Meng popped), a weird headpiece, a dagger, and a pair of spare pantyhose to a leather bag.

"How about 'does anyone have a map'?" she grimaced.

Sun Quan furrowed an eyebrow, but played along, "…that's much better."

"Speaking of which, I got the map of Fan Castle right here." Lu Meng pointed out, taking a rusty scrounged map from his pocket, "If we're near to the enemy's HQ, then this should be Poopoo Forest."

The leader looked resentfully amused, "Poo—what?"

"Poopoo," Lu Meng imitated Kongming's infamous accent, "it's said that the Wei ancestors used to refer these pine trees as 'toilets of nature'."

Sun Quan gaped. Shang Xiang rolled her eyes incredulously. What a way to remember.

"Anyway," the youngest officer cleared her throat, "any signs that this is the Pupu Forest?"

"Well… this place does smell like shit…" Sun Quan commented indistinctly, relocating his hat, which seemed to slip over every two minutes. That is, after being attacked by a seven nation army of mice, skunks, ants, cockroaches (eek!), African flies, chipmunks, and monkeys—and to his surprise, they all stink. Now that explained everything.

"I guess it is," Shang Xiang agreeably presumed.

Lu Meng gestured the dots marked on the paper, "If we go this way, we'll end up in a shortcut to Xu Zhu's chamber…" the image mark was imprinted with a huge pig face.

"Ugh, not him! That hog completely crushed me with his arse on top of mine!" Sun Quan whimpered, cold sweat bleeding everywhere, "His horse even went flat right after he dismount it, and it was less than a goddamn SECOND!!" he shouted in horrid.

Shang Xiang snorted, "…you don't have to yell,"

"Yeah, whatever, but can we please not go there?" insert puppy-doll eyes here. Everyone knew it never suits our madhattered godfather.

"The second closest shortcut should be to the prison," Lu Meng reported. Sun Quan looked utterly delightful.

"So? Shall we move on?"

Oh, Juliet!
Such enchanting moons may never equal the beauty shown in your eyes!

Faint Pavarotti voices emerged through the windows. Lu Xun cuddled himself at the corner of his extra-everything suite, his face constantly looking back and forth to the window. He appeared to be restless—well, he would've sleep if Zhang He wasn't reading ridiculous love poems out loud in front of his window. And this one could probably be the forty-fifth of the evening, he had been reading them for three hours now. The walnut haired boy rolled his eyes in devastation.

"He even sucks at English…"

Oh, Juliet!
Please come out and show your lovely face to the stars!

Man, he sounded like he was using a mike. Lu Xun shoved all shelves in the room for the perfect ear-pluggers. His eyes blinked when two pair of lingerie's came landing at his face whilst everything in the room were still flying. But he threw them anyway.

Juliet, my Juliet~~
Nothing looks better than my sweet piglet!

"Give me a break…" the boy mused in agony, still tossing and throwing any object that came at hand.

However, the voice didn't stop raising it's pitch and volume.

Juliet, MY JULIET~~~!!!

"Hey, SHUDDUP!!" a slope landed on Zhang He's face.

"BE QUIEET!!!" masses of dictionaries hit seven spots of the narcissist's body and became severely-bruised. Miraculously, he didn't give a damn.

Lu Xun shook his head in frustration. But the poetry-turned-song-turned-shriek medley was getting more nauseatingly loud—which bothered him to open the window with a huge bang.

"My dear sweet fruit!" Zhang He looked wholly pleasing.

Not until Lu Xun juggled all the materials he threw and tossed in his room, with extra thick dictionaries and moreover, Shakespeare's books of poetry and romance saga.

The crying voices of blaspheme hushed in an instant.

Lu Xun looked merely exasperated, "…that guy… is insane!"

Suddenly, sounds of door beats surfaced, but before the boy let the person entered his room, the unexpected guest came on his own. A fellow strategist from Wei, Sima Yi.

He exposed his teeth with a hole on the middle-left, but later frowned, "Aren't you going to come do—WHAT HAPPENED HERE!?!?!?!?!?"

Sima Yi realized he was in a room of dumpsters—scrunched books scattered all over the floor, underwears and lingerie's hung within the curtains and drawers, and any other miscellaneous objects that were supposed to be inside the closet, were now everywhere.

"And for the love of the goats… WHAT DID YOU TO MY NOVELS!?!?!?!?" the man pointed accusingly. Right, that included his Shakespeare fluffies.

Lu Xun groaned, "Thank that bozo for that, he kept singing these peachy poems and love songs just outside the window!" he showed a crumpled paper of Zhang He's lyrics with his name signed on it.

Fluff boy shook his head in devastation, "He is so gonna get it tonight…" he cussed inaudibly, "anyway, dinner's served, and I'm here to pick you up." better than Zhang He, he might add.

"NO," a loud deep womanly voice exclaimed, "I am certainly not going to have dinner with you and your minions—especially with that huge retard, he's just going to fill his mouth with mine." he looked terribly appalled.

The bathrobed man sighed out dubiously, "Fine, I'll just let them send the food to you." and walked out of the room. After a period of ten seconds, he cursed out loud from the hallway, "DAMMIT ALL!"

Lu Xun rushed to the door and peeped along with the staring maids, "Must be about the novels…"

We're lost…

"The moon sure is lovely tonight…"

We're lost…

"But I know it's not the time for this…"

We're lost…

"Oh, CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT!?"

We're lost…

"Maybe it's just me but… never mind…" Shang Xiang curled up, denying the situation of being lost—which is in fact, she was. Two heads were rested on her lap, which were twice as a heavy as an ordinary Chinese blade. She knocked the two drooling sleeplings and impatiently snatched Lu Meng's map, "Damn, if only I'm much smarter…" she pondered.

Sounds of caressed grass prompted two meters from her spot.

The unlikely princess grunted, "What the—KYAAAA~~~~!!"

And screamed. Apparently, there were two dark figures approaching her in an oblivious, freaky way of walking.

"WA~WA~WA! Oh Buddha, please save me! I swear I won't steal my brothers' underwears again!!" she screeched, slapping her cheeks until it went bright red.

"Shang Xiang?" one gestured, letting out a female squeally voice as Shang Xiang pulled herself to the farthest distance from the two, "Is that you?"

The appointed tomboy crawled back, "Huh?"

One of them removed a mask, Shang Xiang's infuriated face turned instantly happy, "Da! Xiao! What're you guys doing here?"

Da Qiao brushed the dust away from her heedless soldier suit and fixed her hair, "We came to help. Look, we brought many things for you to use!" she pressed the grass with bombs, Boyan's experimental firecrackers, seven-eyed daggers, and some extra paintyhose (Shang Xiang was obviously sweatdropping now).

"Nice," Shang Xiang's mouth set a grim line, which faded really quick, "but I don't know where the heck is the main entrance."

The Two Qiaos exchanged perplexed looks, and beamed altogether—not forgetting the nodding chorus.

That just made Shang Xiang wondered even more, "What? You guys have a clue?"

"We discovered a rathole not far from this river; it should take us out of Poopoo Forest." the younger sister clarified heartily, pointing an image of a one inch thick line on the map, "So? What are we waiting for?"

"But I can't just leave these two here." Shang Xiang tilted her head at the snoring duo, "Brother will definitely freak out when he found out he's been sleeping with mosquitoes. And moreover, Lu Meng's allergic to worms." a pair of crimson bells chimed.

"Don't worry," Da Qiao chuckled, and it gradually became mid-volumed, "they slept so well that they will forget about it!"

"Whatever," Shang Xiang rolled her eyes dispassionately, "just give me the goddamn map." and pilfered the crumpy illustration back, "You see, we can't go almost everywhere. This rathole is being sealed with a giant goo!"

Lady Ce raised an eyebrow. Amazing how Wei made a separated septic tank for just their goo.

"Anyway," the True Beauty inhaled deeply, "we revealed Lu Xun's chamber whereabouts! We could simply use a ladder and climb up there, for we're using pants that enable us to move freely!" she once clapped her hands jovially.

Shang Xiang glinted apathetically, "…is this the first time you ever wear pants?"

Imaginary clocks chimed as a sign of midnight. There were no hint of light nor sound were ensued in the hallway—nothing but fire dragon carves were shreded on the castle walls. They weren't real dragons that roar and growl though.

The only sounded object was Zhang He's boisterous uproar of misery.

Zhang He stated that he was beauty-obsessed, but even a beautiful lady such as Zhen Ji didn't shun the narcissist's thoughts away. The Empress was on crossed her legs in desolation, "You really love her, do you?"

The pony-tailed boy gasped, flickering his eyebrows awkwardly, and finally nodded.

Zhen Ji moaned exaggeratedly. She quickly slapped Zhang He's face to hers and growled, "What if I say that your little Juliet is supposedly a man?"

A silence took place. He hinted with a grumble, "…that's impossible…"

But Zhen Ji kept reassuring, whimpering his shoulders reluctantly, "B-But—"

"This must be a sign, Zhen Ji!" Zhang He leaped to his beautiful jewelled table, "It is my destiny—my destiny to meet the most beautiful to ever come to the face of this earth! We're fated to be together, don't you see? She's the love of my life!!"

Zhen Ji paused as the claw wielder became unruly overexcited. She shook her head grudgingly, "But he's a man!"

"She is NOT!"

"I don't care what you believe," Zhen Ji held a deep breath, "but if you keep this any longer, your honey-bunny will be captured back by the Wu kingdom!"

Zhang He's ebony orbs flashed the rage of a mad dragon, "Well? Let's see if those Sun family bratlings could kidnap MY hunny-wunny!" he grasped Zhen Ji's hand forcefully, "Now, let us go! We shall see if my darling IS really captured by those Wu dogs!"

"H-Hey!" Zhang He tripped the woman's body off to his shoulderblades (Man, he's tough), "Let go of me!"

Lu Xun groaned heavily as he looked out of the window. He was pleasantly surprised to see fireworks bursting out of the Wu camp—his camp. He sighed as he mourned his destined fate.

That was, before someone covered his mouth from behind.

"MMMM!! MM!!" he squealled oh-so feminishly, and literally kicked the person's head with his high kick, "Let go of me you big galoot!"

"Ooowwww…"

Lu Xun wide-eyed. He crawled toward the injured person curiously—

…and shrieked.

"ZHOU YUUUUU!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

A long-haired man laid not far from the boy's lap, unconscious with honey brown spiral eyes. The younger man stormed, "What are you doing here!?"

Gongjin held his headache and answered his plight, "I'm here to save you!" he hiccoughed, "I sent the girls and two thugs before but it looks they never made it back, so I'm here to catch you up!"

"So I'm free?"

"YES!"

And the two happy strategists jumped off the window for instant happiness.

As soon as they got to the Wu camp, they heard an endless scream from Mai Castle, which seemed to be screeching something like "Boyan" (insert a sweatdropping Lu Xun here).

"That's it! We're going to attack the Wu camp!" Zhang He declared victoriously to his men.

Enter Cao Cao, "HEY! You can't just go and make orders! All battles are canceled after the Wu strategist is cured!" he glared.

But Zhang He glared even more sarcastic, so Cao Cao lost here.

"ATTACK THE WU CAMP!!"


~tbc

author's waffles:
I'm soooo sorry for the long update, I got lazy with school and all. I'm also sorry if the last part sounds lame, I got real tired during the end (lack of sleep *zzzz*). BTW, if you guys want me to add your favorite bishies here, just review it or send an eMail (hume@soul-release.com). The next chapter might be the last, so submit those ideas while you can! Honestly, I really really want to end this silly fic, coz I got a planned FF7 fic already (and I'm so excited, I want it to be posted ASAP!). Note that I won't be putting any Shu characters every now and then, so I don't tolerate any requests for Zilong's appearance (unless necessary, we dunno yet, rite?).

BTW, anyone here needs a beta-reader? I'm up for a challenge! ^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^  (P.S: preferrably NOT humor, I had enough.)