Information: the lemon version (NC17- not for underage, it's graphic) is posted at adultfanfiction. Take the spaces off the link, as usual.
The link: http/ adultfan. / aff / story.php? no8948&chapter16
edit: link error corrected. Thanks again,Firuze!
Preys
Chapter16: You're to have, not to hold
Neither Saitoh nor Tokio uttered a word on the way to her house. She was too unsure of her state to start a conversation that could only end up in an argument, as always.?And Saitoh seemed still furious at her, for a reason that she didn't get.
By the time they arrived, she was back in the comfortable blur of exhaustion numbing her mind, taking once more her rambling emotions away. Maybe she'd manage to cope, after all.
Her house was not the mess she had expected, the blues had been more careful than usual in their search. She noticed with relief that the doors of the living were closed. She went to her bedroom; he followed her but waited in the corridor. She gathered clothes for the next day.today, and her accessories in a small travel bag.
She was closing the front door when she felt an icy wind blowing in her veins. Somebody was watching her. She dropped the key, retrieved it with trembling hands. Now she was getting paranoid. She turned to Saitoh, only to see him scanning the surroundings, a predatory look in his eyes. Oh Gods, she was not hallucinating..he had felt it too.was he going to leave her alone to check on it? She fought the irrational urge to clutch to his arm and ask him to stay.
As he turned to her, she did the best to hide her fear and compose herself. Did he see it? He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and dragged her forwards, walking rapidly to the car. He was still looking around when he pushed her on the passenger seat.
He stopped the car in front of a hotel near the City Hall. She knew the place; the DA seldom used it for witness protection. One room on each floor was double, with only one main entry located in the first one, and no windows in the room on the edge. Perfect for safety purposes.
She threw her bag on the bed of the "witness bedroom", and sat on it, looking straight in front of her, but she wasn't seeing anything. Was she going to faint, she wondered, welcoming the idea, welcoming the darkness..No. She wasn't.
Saitoh was observing her. She had been terrified, at least she understood now she was in danger and wouldn't be difficult about getting bodyguards. He understood less why he had stayed with her instead of going after the observer. He had felt protective..like he did now.
He saw her palms clenching. He had seen her doing that before, and frequently during the last days, it was a telltale sign: she was trying to regain control. Each time she had been in shock lately, she had lost control of herself for a while, then absorbed it and had went on as if nothing happened. Why didn't she give up and just let go? Denial was certainly a way to deal with shocking events, but at a certain point they had to be accepted. There was a limit to human resistance, and she had her share. The annoying thought that his own attitude had pushed her further to the limits made him..not very proud of himself.
Shaking it away, he opened the mini-bar and found a little bottle of vodka. She needed a drink.
"Have that."
She waited to answer, her nails digging in her palms.
"Leave me alone," she snapped, still not looking at him.
"Do I have to make you?"
She wanted to yell at him not to order her around. She had fallen in that trap before, though, and knew that if she didn't stay calm, her emotions would be too strong for her to control. She grabbed the bottle and gulped half of it.
"Satisfied?"
He didn't answer, staring intently at her.
The alcohol burnt her stomach, and the bitter taste awoke her senses. The blur she had been in vanished once more, definitely this time, and the shock finally hit her. She tried to think about her duty, of something she'd have to do in order to control her emotions again, but her brain refused to work. There was a lump in her throat. She was about to burst into tears. In front of him.
He made her feel vulnerable. If he weren't here she wouldn't feel that weak. She didn't know what to think anymore, she couldn't forget how safe she had felt with his arm around her. Why did he stare at her like this? Like he was worried about her? She'd preferred him to be cruel and sarcastic, so she couldn't fool herself into believing that he cared for her safety. Or for her. Making her want him to comfort her. How could she want comfort from Saitoh Hajime? He was the last person on earth who could give that to her. She was only the toy in his little mind games. She couldn't afford the price of a more complete victory than what he had already got.
Why didn't he just leave her alone? She knew her tears were close, she wasn't sure she could hold them any longer, but she'd be damned if she broke in front of him, or let him know how miserable she felt. Her gaze fell on the bathroom door. Seizing the first stupid pretext that came to her mind, she stood up, and walked towards it, hoping she still sounded controlled enough.
"Thanks, I feel better. I need to take a shower. You can leave."
She didn't wait for an answer, and closed the door behind her, swallowing a first sob.
She had tried not to rush, but Saitoh could see she was escaping his presence. He wondered once again why he didn't like when she was avoiding him. He had always thought that seeing her absolutely vulnerable would please him. It didn't, and the realization was not pleasant either. He wished he could still pretend that he wanted to hurt her. He didn't hate her. He didn't despise her. He actually felt like being NICE to her. Shinomori was obviously not the only one to lose his mind tonight.
She was crying. He could hear faint sobs under the noise of the rushing water. He fought with himself for several minutes, and he lit a cigarette, hoping to calm down. He knew what was going to happen if he got close to her. He was oddly disgusted at the thought. Like he had been furious at her, at the hospital, when she assumed that he intended to taunt her. Weakening her without pity, until she fell. Sleeping with her when she was vulnerable. Wasn't that the point of the game? Wasn't that why he had played with her, until she surrendered?
It wasn't about games anymore.
He didn't know what he wanted from her, didn't know why he started that game to begin with.
He had to leave this room. Stay in the other, and find a way to get over that woman for good. He didn't need anything in life. Only certainties, and he had no more when it came to her.
When Tokio came out of the bathroom, with the hotel's robe closed around her body, she wasn't feeling better, only empty and ashamed of herself. She had been unable to stop her tears, crying over everything: Soushi, Misao, Enishi, and worst of all, on herself. She couldn't believe she let pressure overcome her so easily. She lived on pressure. Yes, she had a lot to go through. But she was used to violence, she had been stalked before, she had had contracts upon her head, she even had been shot once. How come she reacted like a..a..sissy? She sighed. It was all his fault.
He wasn't there anymore. The door of her room was closed. She sighed again, and lied on the bed, closing her eyes. She had to rest. As she was falling asleep, images of the dead body in her living began to unroll in her head, followed by the other bodies, Soushi, Misao.She was home, there was somebody watching her..she got closer to the window, and met Seta's mad eyes..
She bolted, fully awake again. The room was hot but she was chilled. She finished the vodka bottle, with no real effect. She went for her cigarette pack and cursed, it was empty. She realized she didn't smoke for some time. Maybe that was why she had been so nervous. Yeah, right.
He had some cigarettes..She couldn't go there. She knew what was going to happen.
She wanted it to happen.
She needed comfort, and there was only one way she could get that from him.
Saitoh was the first to wake up. He didn't repress a satisfied smirk as he felt her arms around him, although it vanished when he realized that he was holding her possessively by the waist. This time he couldn't pretend he wasn't affected.
His life was duty, and he had never let anything or anybody come into the way, distract his mind. Nothing else mattered. He was still renting his apartment because he refused any string attached to him. He wasn't even sure that he would have befriended Okita unless they had been partners. If he wanted a woman, he took her to bed, for a night or several when the opportunity presented itself. He had always left when they had asked for more, tried to involve him in a relationship or just to know him. He had never wanted any of them to call his name or talk to him during sex. Never let them take control of his senses, less his mind. Never thought of them as "his". And certainly never kissed them until they fell asleep afterwards.
He looked at her sleeping face. For the first time, he allowed himself to think how beautiful she was. His eyes were drinking the sight of her delicate, resting features, the aristocratic arc of her eyebrows, the sensuous curve of her raspberry pink lips, the thick lashes resting on her high cheekbones.Not only he had wanted, but he had needed from her what he had always refused from all the others. He had needed to hear her asking him to make love to her, calling his name, telling him how he made her feel. He didn't want to merely have her but to possess her.
Had he always felt that this would happen? Probably. Okita had told him he was unfair to her, several times. True, he admitted finally. But it was safer to think he just despised her. When did he make the first mistake? The first time he kissed her, surely. Or maybe earlier, when he let his dislike grow into hate. He had always felt that getting closer to her in any way was dangerous for him, but he had lately forgotten that hate was establishing a connection that despise didn't. And now she was lying in his arms, and he wanted her to stay there. He didn't know what he felt towards her anymore.
He had been worried about her last night. That wasn't good..
Well. He was, in some way, caring for her, and didn't mind having a certain intimacy with her.
It was the first time it happened to him, it was bothering, but it was not THAT bad.
Accepting it would make it easier to control. They could have a little affair, then they would get tired of it and resume to a professional relation, probably less tensed once all that would be behind them.
She stirred, smiling. Her eyes fluttered open, and she gazed at him for a while, a cautious expression appearing on her face.
He reached for his cigarette pack and his lighter.
"That's what I came for in the first place.."she grinned, taking the cigarette he was offering to her.
He put the ashtray on the bed next to them.
"I hope you're not too disappointed," he answered, sarcastic.
"Mmm." She savored the first puff. Was there something better than smoking after sex? Apart from sex with Saitoh..
She finished her cigarette, wondering what to do. They had been so close, too close. Was he going to end things here? A part of her hoped he would, because she was unable to. The other part was afraid he would. She tried to decipher his expression.
He raised a brow at her silent question, bent to give her a quick kiss, and resumed smoking.
She rested her head on his shoulder, trying not to smile.
She felt good, she felt safe. Last night's fears and events appeared like a faraway nightmare. She had never asked, never needed, never even thought of being comforted by any man she had been with. And certainly never imagined that he could make her feel that way. Being with him was different..it could last, maybe..
Was she mad?
They could have a short affair, no more. They were working together; they were too different. Oh, they couldn't pretend to hate each other anymore, still they didn't like each other. She couldn't believe she was ready to have feelings for him just because sex with him was amazing. Her stupid crush, due to her present weakness, was going to disappear after a few weeks of routine. The word denial popped into her thoughts. Shut up.
"Once it's over, it will probably be easier to work together," she forced herself to say.
She was sensible about that too. Good, he thought, stopping there his moronic introspection, which suggested that her detached comment bothered him.
To be continued..
Author's notes:
Thanks to Mara for her corrections of this chapter. And as always, millions of thanks to Mara and Firuze for their suggestions, encouragement, and support. (-) Thanks to L.Sith for the comments and grammar check (-)
The title of the chapter is taken from Madonna's song "You're to have, not to hold" (Ray of light), which expresses well Tokio's feelings towards Saitoh at this point.
The chapter is short, without the lemon. I think that reading the lemon is better to understand the shift in their relationship, as usual, but this time I hope that the chapter can make sense without it.
I apologize for the very late update. I had to edit the fic to post the lemon version, and was still very, very busy. I also wanted to finish and post the prequel before this chapter. From now on, I will be more regular, I promise (-). Chapter 17 will come very soon, to make up for the delay (-).
For the understanding of certain aspects of the following chapters, I posted Verdict, a two-chapters prequel happening during Soujiro's trial. Thanks a thousand to L.Sith, Firuze, SilverNimbus, Mary-Ann, JadeGoddess and The Lady for their reviews. I wrote the prequel hoping that the readers of Preys would appreciate it, and your response was worth it (-)
Next chapter: Saitoh is in a good mood (wonder why.), now it's Aoshi's turn to be pissed (at Enishi..wonder why, too). Kamatari's interrogation reveals interesting facts, and Enishi has to explain a couple of things. Some forces are at work, but the team will realize it only later..
See you!
Kamorgana.