Captain Jack Sparrow's Guide to Life
A/N that's right! Not like it hasn't been done before, eh? I'm not sure if I can pull it off, but bear with me;
"Alright, first off mates, ya gotta be a showoff. A little bit of butt wagging over here, some funky gestures over there, and hey, yer a ladies magnet! Trust me; they'll be all over ya… but, only in Tortuga, for some reason. The girls there are different… beautiful. But uh… not their faces, if ya get my meaning. Right, anyways, then ya gotta dedicate yer life to piracy. Yeah… I know, ya may be thinking 'what's piracy got to do with it?' My answer to that is 'I have no idea.' But piracy is pretty fun, so… that's good. Yeah.
Next, ya gotta have gold teeth. Uh… we'll get to that later.
So, ya gotta put stuff in yer hair, like… beads and junk… cause then ya jingle… and… that's good. And long hair… that's good.
Don't worry about washing or nothing…
Nobody cares.
Well, nobody important cares…
Well, I don't care.
Ya gotta have yer own ship… or yer own girl… I dunno, I prefer the ship, but basically, ya just need something to love. I never said ya gotta be faithful to the one ya love! I mean, go to Tortuga, have all the fun ya want, but then go home and get yer girl. Or, if you choose the ship option, I mean, ya can always go on other ships! But y'know… ya always gotta love yer ship.
Maybe I'm not being clear… this is stuff that you have to do if you want to be happy. So stop complaining. I'm trying to help you out here.
So… then you have to have lots and lots of gold. I know but piracy will take care of that right away, so we can just skip that; assuming you can be a good pirate, you'll have to gold in no time.
I know you're thinking that you don't need gold to be happy… well, okay, even if you weren't thinking it, ya do. Because… ya just do. It's… shiny, and… you can… buy stuff.
Well, you can't steal stuff all the time! Well…
Ok, maybe I can. But you can't, mate, and I'm doing this purely for yer own benefit, so ye better listen.
And uh… lots and lots of rum.
Lemme tell ya something… life kinda sucks. But uh… if ya drink rum… then… it doesn't suck. Rum= doesn't suck.
So if you drink rum… yer happy.
No, no, trust, me, it works!
Oh, I'm not very good at this…
Now, now, bear with me here… you have to listen, ok, and I can't go into full detail about everything, so let me stress on how important this is. This is my whole life. And I'm doing this for you, so shut up and pay attention.
Rum is good. Very good. The first couple times… it's not so good, but then, it's like… yer best friend. And… if yer a pirate, ya always need a best friend, right? To take with you, wherever ya go?
So… yeah… next you need some effects… which are… weapons and stuff, that make you look cool. Don't go anywhere without your effects. They're… effective. Hehe…
So… you need a hat… hat's are special…
And lots and lots of eyeliner. No, trust, me, it looks really cool. No, the ladies love it. Seriously. Look at how good it looks on me!
And um… you need some witty remarks…
I dunno, yer on your own on that one…
Now, flirting is quite necessary… but you have to be good at it, and flirt A LOT! Trust me… well, I don't know what to trust me for… just… trust me. Don't I look like a happy person to you?
You have to be really annoying and greedy… willing to do anything to get what you want… have lots of plans… and… uh…
Maybe I'm not the best person to ask about my guide to life…
Damn, I don't know anything about life, except…
Be rich and have fun.
Yeah.
That's about it.
And uh…
Lot's of rum.
But uh… that's just me, I mean…
Oh, and one more thing…
Be totally unpredictable. Mysterious, and be good at what you do.
People will love you.
Well, that's the secret to life! People love you, you have fun!
If you won't believe me, then I'm going to go!
Oh, and one more thing… that… parrot, hook hand, eyepatch thing is overrated… most pirates that have a problem just leave it be…
Man, are they ugly too.