Author's notes: I've said it before and I'll say it again: if I owned it, I wouldn't be writing FANFICTION for it. The song lyrics are from "The Great Disappointment" by AFI.
This is my first (and most likely only) YGO fic. I love the series, but I just haven't been writing much, and as this'll probably go unnoticed, I doubt I'll get inspiration to write more in this category. As if it isn't obvious, the story's from Malik's POV. I tend to write these first-person storytelling fics at early hours of the morning... But I wanted to write a Malik fic based on this song since I first heard it. And if it isn't further obvious, the present POV is somewhere between leaving the tomb and going after the God cards. That's about it... Um, happy hunting?
___ ___ ___
"I can remember
A place I used to go
Chrysanthemums of white
They seemed so beautiful
I can remember
Searched for the amaranth
I'd shut my eyes to see."
When I was younger, I dreamt of being out there. I dreamt of having a life of my own, and being the one to make the important decisions about my destiny. I dreamt of being able to ride freely in the sun. I dreamt of being like everyone else. I held those dreams closer to me than anything. Just to be free was all I wanted. But somewhere inside of me, I realized that they were, after all, nothing more than dreams.
I was only a child, and my entire life was devoted to learning everything I could about the ancient ways, and how I would spend the rest of my life. In the line of those who guard the Pharaoh's tomb until the day he returned, my heritage was considered sacred. But if having such a revered destiny meant sacrificing a free life where I could have the privileges others live off of, I didn't want it. I never wanted to be hallowed, and the scriptures never took my interest. I just wanted to be able to live.
However, I knew it was my destiny, and I knew there was nothing I could do to change it. Sometimes it seemed so simple; to just run away from everything I knew and everything I was born unto. But as apprehensive as I was of the day when I would become the head of my clan, there were still things in my life that I loved.
...And I was afraid of him.
He cherished the duties of our family, and he told me that I should be honored to have been born into it. He was a powerful man, in authority and in strength. When he was angry, it would never go unnoticed. As I wasn't the only one who feared him, and he was the only parent I had, I had nowhere to hide and no choice but to obey him. I never once told him my dreams of leaving the tomb. I kept my ambitions secret, and only visited them in my dreams.
"Oh, how I smiled then
So near the cherished ones
I knew they would appear...
Saw not a single one
Oh, how I smiled then
Waiting so patiently
I'd make a wish and bleed."
As time went on, I got closer to the age of initiation. As much as I wanted to pretend it wasn't real, I knew the days until I became the true heir to my clan were becoming scarce. I read further into the family scriptures to learn exactly what happened at the coming of age. When I found out, I only became more apprehensive.
In a sacred ceremony, the scripture known as the Pharaoh's Memory was carved into the back of the new keeper, holding the secrets of the Pharaoh himself and symbolizing the keeper's loyalty to his King.
In the last weeks before my coming of age, I became distraught and afraid. I didn't want the duties to begin with, and finding out that mutilation was involved in the ceremony was too much. But I was too frightened of my father to tell him; I would probably get punished and my feelings wouldn't matter in the end anyway. I wanted more than ever to run away from everything and be free from all that was slowly killing me. I knew these weren't the thoughts that a child my age should be having; that's what my heritage did to me. In those last weeks, I hid in my dreams more than anytime before. In my dreams, these things didn't weigh on me; I could live the way other children lived, without having such burdens that drove me to tears every night. That was the only thing I wanted, and while the rest of the world took it without a second thought, it was out of reach for me.
Until he changed things for me.
"I can remember
Dreamt them so vividly
Soft creatures draped in white
Light kisses gracing me
I can remember
When I first realized
Dreams were the only place to see them."
Father made him my servant, but to me, he was more than that. I knew that somewhere in him, there was spite towards me. The story I heard was that my mother found him abandoned as an infant before my sister or I was born. If I hadn't been born, he would have been the one to carry out my family's legacy. Adding more to that grudge, bringing me into this world took the life of my mother, the one person who cared for him when nobody else would. For a long time, I thought that he hated me. But as time went on, I developed a strong bond with him. Perhaps he realized that my own birth wasn't something I could prevent, because he grew closer to me than anything else did. He was a big brother to me, and the only person I had who didn't push my destiny onto me.
The bond we shared must have been what made him notice my fear. For the first time in my life, I admitted my feelings about my heritage. A part of me was expecting him to scold me as Father would have done, and tell me that I should take pride in my destiny. But he didn't lecture me, and he didn't criticize me. He sympathized with me. He seemed to understand that I truly didn't want to go through with it, and he offered to take my place. I knew it wasn't just because of the destiny I stole from him; I knew it was because he cared about my free will, even if I was a child. At that time, I was happier than I had been in a long time; at least happier than I'd been when I wasn't in the false reality I built in my mind. I felt that maybe there was a chance that I could live the way I had wanted to for so long.
"While I waited, I was wasting away
While I waited, I was wasting away
While I waited, I was wasting away
Hope was wasting away
Faith was wasting away."
My hopes didn't last long. He lived up to his word, and told my father how frightened I'd been and that he wanted to be initiated instead. My father didn't accept. He insisted that I had to be the one to guard the tomb, because I was chosen by blood. At that point, the time before the ceremony was running out. It hit me harder than ever that my dreams would never be more than futile fantasies; I was going to guard the Pharaoh's tomb for the rest of my life.
The night of the ceremony, they had to drag me away. I couldn't bring myself to face what I'd been so terrified of for so long. I didn't want to be mutilated, and I didn't want to spend my life trapped. I cried to him, the one person who I could turn to. But he did nothing, unable to look me in the eye. There was nothing left that could be done to save me. I was going to be initiated. I was dragged to the ceremony, held down, and Father carved my destiny into my flesh. I writhed and cried, not wanting to believe that it was really happening and hoping to wake up from a nightmare, but it didn't stop, and the pain didn't fade. Every vain ambition to escape from it was ripped apart, just as I was. It was over. There was no more fighting it.
"I never, never wanted this
Always wanted to believe
I never, never wanted this
But from the start I'd been deceived
I never, never wanted this..."
I felt empty. Broken. Alone. If the only thing I wanted in life was life itself, and even that was taken from me, what did I have left? My mind's escape proved to be only that--an escape. It was all in vain. There was no reason to dream anymore.
Then something happened. Something gave me a reason to hold on to whatever I had left. He came to my room, and he revealed his devotion. As the bandages fell from his face, I saw this devotion in physical form: self-inflicted carvings into his own skin, just as I would bear on my back for the rest of my life. "You're not alone," he said, and I knew from that point on that it was true. Even if I had to spend the rest of my days in shadow, I would have something to remind me that I'd never truly be alone.
The life I knew went on as it did before; even if I had been initiated, my duties would only start when Father, my predecessor, couldn't carry them out himself. I feared him more than before, though, and a sense of malice towards him began growing in me. I tried to ignore this; I didn't need more hatred building up in me. I tried as hard as I could to keep holding onto what I had and block out what I didn't want to face. After all, I was still a child and could only take so much. This optimism may have been why I found myself dreaming of the world that I wished I had all over again.
I dared to take a chance. I wanted more than ever to see the world for myself, instead of what I conjured up in my dreams. I asked Sister to take me there. However, she was afraid of father too, and she held our heritage higher than I did. I couldn't stop my dreams at that point, though, and I knew she cared about me more than Father did. I pleaded with her until she gave in; Brother agreed to cover for us in case Father got suspicious. I couldn't believe my excitement; I was finally going to see the light for the first time in my life.
It was so much brighter out there than I had imagined. The sands stretched farther than I could see, wind blew stronger than I'd ever felt before, and the sun was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. A sensational warmth touched my skin as I stepped further out. After years of fantasizing, I finally saw everything I'd dreamed of.
Sister took me into town, and there were more people than I'd ever seen in one place. There were so many things that were new to me; it was like being in a different world. I wanted to see everything, but Sister was worried. She didn't want us to be noticed. I couldn't contain my excitement, though, and continued to get into everything, wanting to see as much of the world as I could. I looked around at all the people living their lives. They seemed so casual and unconcerned; I was sure they didn't have the worries that I always held. I never wanted to leave.
But Sister's attention was drawn to a man I didn't see walking around the town. He spoke directly to us, but I didn't understand what he was trying to tell us. Sister must have understood better, because she suddenly demanded that we go back. I was so wrapped up in everything, I didn't even think about that. I didn't want to go back, and we hadn't been out for as long as she said we could be, but she insisted and hurried to the tomb. When we returned, her panic grew worse when she looked closely at the door; there was an alarm set up that we hadn't noticed before. She ran in, and I followed. I realized that Father must have noticed the alarm, and that meant Brother was probably in trouble.
The last thing I remember was entering the room and seeing Brother bound, being punished by Father. A horrible pain overwhelmed my head; I couldn't think straight. I remember hearing sister yelling, and then nothing.
When I woke up, Father was dead. The Pharaoh's Memory had been carved from his back, leaving a huge wound that bled out. I didn't know what to think, or if I should believe what I was seeing. Quickly I realized that it must have been a nightmare. There was no other explanation; Father couldn't be dead...
Then I saw him. The man from the town who spoke to us. A horrible sinking sensation overtook me as I realized what must have happened. After that, I remember nothing.
I'm no longer trapped in the tomb; I control my own destiny. The light is my own, and I can finally ride freely as I dreamt. So why, now that I have everything I was dying for, do I feel so horrible? I don't know what's right and wrong; with my destiny in my own hands, I don't know what it should truly be. This isn't how I wanted it. This isn't what I dreamt for. This isn't the life I wanted to give everything up for. But now there's no turning back, and I don't know which direction is the right one. Everything I spent my years longing for has proven to be nothing I imagined. I don't know if I've gained anything, but I know I've lost a lot. So now I ask myself again: If the only thing I wanted in life was life itself, and even that was taken from me, what did I have left?
"Inside a crumbling effigy
So dies all innocence
But you promised me..."
This is my first (and most likely only) YGO fic. I love the series, but I just haven't been writing much, and as this'll probably go unnoticed, I doubt I'll get inspiration to write more in this category. As if it isn't obvious, the story's from Malik's POV. I tend to write these first-person storytelling fics at early hours of the morning... But I wanted to write a Malik fic based on this song since I first heard it. And if it isn't further obvious, the present POV is somewhere between leaving the tomb and going after the God cards. That's about it... Um, happy hunting?
___ ___ ___
"I can remember
A place I used to go
Chrysanthemums of white
They seemed so beautiful
I can remember
Searched for the amaranth
I'd shut my eyes to see."
When I was younger, I dreamt of being out there. I dreamt of having a life of my own, and being the one to make the important decisions about my destiny. I dreamt of being able to ride freely in the sun. I dreamt of being like everyone else. I held those dreams closer to me than anything. Just to be free was all I wanted. But somewhere inside of me, I realized that they were, after all, nothing more than dreams.
I was only a child, and my entire life was devoted to learning everything I could about the ancient ways, and how I would spend the rest of my life. In the line of those who guard the Pharaoh's tomb until the day he returned, my heritage was considered sacred. But if having such a revered destiny meant sacrificing a free life where I could have the privileges others live off of, I didn't want it. I never wanted to be hallowed, and the scriptures never took my interest. I just wanted to be able to live.
However, I knew it was my destiny, and I knew there was nothing I could do to change it. Sometimes it seemed so simple; to just run away from everything I knew and everything I was born unto. But as apprehensive as I was of the day when I would become the head of my clan, there were still things in my life that I loved.
...And I was afraid of him.
He cherished the duties of our family, and he told me that I should be honored to have been born into it. He was a powerful man, in authority and in strength. When he was angry, it would never go unnoticed. As I wasn't the only one who feared him, and he was the only parent I had, I had nowhere to hide and no choice but to obey him. I never once told him my dreams of leaving the tomb. I kept my ambitions secret, and only visited them in my dreams.
"Oh, how I smiled then
So near the cherished ones
I knew they would appear...
Saw not a single one
Oh, how I smiled then
Waiting so patiently
I'd make a wish and bleed."
As time went on, I got closer to the age of initiation. As much as I wanted to pretend it wasn't real, I knew the days until I became the true heir to my clan were becoming scarce. I read further into the family scriptures to learn exactly what happened at the coming of age. When I found out, I only became more apprehensive.
In a sacred ceremony, the scripture known as the Pharaoh's Memory was carved into the back of the new keeper, holding the secrets of the Pharaoh himself and symbolizing the keeper's loyalty to his King.
In the last weeks before my coming of age, I became distraught and afraid. I didn't want the duties to begin with, and finding out that mutilation was involved in the ceremony was too much. But I was too frightened of my father to tell him; I would probably get punished and my feelings wouldn't matter in the end anyway. I wanted more than ever to run away from everything and be free from all that was slowly killing me. I knew these weren't the thoughts that a child my age should be having; that's what my heritage did to me. In those last weeks, I hid in my dreams more than anytime before. In my dreams, these things didn't weigh on me; I could live the way other children lived, without having such burdens that drove me to tears every night. That was the only thing I wanted, and while the rest of the world took it without a second thought, it was out of reach for me.
Until he changed things for me.
"I can remember
Dreamt them so vividly
Soft creatures draped in white
Light kisses gracing me
I can remember
When I first realized
Dreams were the only place to see them."
Father made him my servant, but to me, he was more than that. I knew that somewhere in him, there was spite towards me. The story I heard was that my mother found him abandoned as an infant before my sister or I was born. If I hadn't been born, he would have been the one to carry out my family's legacy. Adding more to that grudge, bringing me into this world took the life of my mother, the one person who cared for him when nobody else would. For a long time, I thought that he hated me. But as time went on, I developed a strong bond with him. Perhaps he realized that my own birth wasn't something I could prevent, because he grew closer to me than anything else did. He was a big brother to me, and the only person I had who didn't push my destiny onto me.
The bond we shared must have been what made him notice my fear. For the first time in my life, I admitted my feelings about my heritage. A part of me was expecting him to scold me as Father would have done, and tell me that I should take pride in my destiny. But he didn't lecture me, and he didn't criticize me. He sympathized with me. He seemed to understand that I truly didn't want to go through with it, and he offered to take my place. I knew it wasn't just because of the destiny I stole from him; I knew it was because he cared about my free will, even if I was a child. At that time, I was happier than I had been in a long time; at least happier than I'd been when I wasn't in the false reality I built in my mind. I felt that maybe there was a chance that I could live the way I had wanted to for so long.
"While I waited, I was wasting away
While I waited, I was wasting away
While I waited, I was wasting away
Hope was wasting away
Faith was wasting away."
My hopes didn't last long. He lived up to his word, and told my father how frightened I'd been and that he wanted to be initiated instead. My father didn't accept. He insisted that I had to be the one to guard the tomb, because I was chosen by blood. At that point, the time before the ceremony was running out. It hit me harder than ever that my dreams would never be more than futile fantasies; I was going to guard the Pharaoh's tomb for the rest of my life.
The night of the ceremony, they had to drag me away. I couldn't bring myself to face what I'd been so terrified of for so long. I didn't want to be mutilated, and I didn't want to spend my life trapped. I cried to him, the one person who I could turn to. But he did nothing, unable to look me in the eye. There was nothing left that could be done to save me. I was going to be initiated. I was dragged to the ceremony, held down, and Father carved my destiny into my flesh. I writhed and cried, not wanting to believe that it was really happening and hoping to wake up from a nightmare, but it didn't stop, and the pain didn't fade. Every vain ambition to escape from it was ripped apart, just as I was. It was over. There was no more fighting it.
"I never, never wanted this
Always wanted to believe
I never, never wanted this
But from the start I'd been deceived
I never, never wanted this..."
I felt empty. Broken. Alone. If the only thing I wanted in life was life itself, and even that was taken from me, what did I have left? My mind's escape proved to be only that--an escape. It was all in vain. There was no reason to dream anymore.
Then something happened. Something gave me a reason to hold on to whatever I had left. He came to my room, and he revealed his devotion. As the bandages fell from his face, I saw this devotion in physical form: self-inflicted carvings into his own skin, just as I would bear on my back for the rest of my life. "You're not alone," he said, and I knew from that point on that it was true. Even if I had to spend the rest of my days in shadow, I would have something to remind me that I'd never truly be alone.
The life I knew went on as it did before; even if I had been initiated, my duties would only start when Father, my predecessor, couldn't carry them out himself. I feared him more than before, though, and a sense of malice towards him began growing in me. I tried to ignore this; I didn't need more hatred building up in me. I tried as hard as I could to keep holding onto what I had and block out what I didn't want to face. After all, I was still a child and could only take so much. This optimism may have been why I found myself dreaming of the world that I wished I had all over again.
I dared to take a chance. I wanted more than ever to see the world for myself, instead of what I conjured up in my dreams. I asked Sister to take me there. However, she was afraid of father too, and she held our heritage higher than I did. I couldn't stop my dreams at that point, though, and I knew she cared about me more than Father did. I pleaded with her until she gave in; Brother agreed to cover for us in case Father got suspicious. I couldn't believe my excitement; I was finally going to see the light for the first time in my life.
It was so much brighter out there than I had imagined. The sands stretched farther than I could see, wind blew stronger than I'd ever felt before, and the sun was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. A sensational warmth touched my skin as I stepped further out. After years of fantasizing, I finally saw everything I'd dreamed of.
Sister took me into town, and there were more people than I'd ever seen in one place. There were so many things that were new to me; it was like being in a different world. I wanted to see everything, but Sister was worried. She didn't want us to be noticed. I couldn't contain my excitement, though, and continued to get into everything, wanting to see as much of the world as I could. I looked around at all the people living their lives. They seemed so casual and unconcerned; I was sure they didn't have the worries that I always held. I never wanted to leave.
But Sister's attention was drawn to a man I didn't see walking around the town. He spoke directly to us, but I didn't understand what he was trying to tell us. Sister must have understood better, because she suddenly demanded that we go back. I was so wrapped up in everything, I didn't even think about that. I didn't want to go back, and we hadn't been out for as long as she said we could be, but she insisted and hurried to the tomb. When we returned, her panic grew worse when she looked closely at the door; there was an alarm set up that we hadn't noticed before. She ran in, and I followed. I realized that Father must have noticed the alarm, and that meant Brother was probably in trouble.
The last thing I remember was entering the room and seeing Brother bound, being punished by Father. A horrible pain overwhelmed my head; I couldn't think straight. I remember hearing sister yelling, and then nothing.
When I woke up, Father was dead. The Pharaoh's Memory had been carved from his back, leaving a huge wound that bled out. I didn't know what to think, or if I should believe what I was seeing. Quickly I realized that it must have been a nightmare. There was no other explanation; Father couldn't be dead...
Then I saw him. The man from the town who spoke to us. A horrible sinking sensation overtook me as I realized what must have happened. After that, I remember nothing.
I'm no longer trapped in the tomb; I control my own destiny. The light is my own, and I can finally ride freely as I dreamt. So why, now that I have everything I was dying for, do I feel so horrible? I don't know what's right and wrong; with my destiny in my own hands, I don't know what it should truly be. This isn't how I wanted it. This isn't what I dreamt for. This isn't the life I wanted to give everything up for. But now there's no turning back, and I don't know which direction is the right one. Everything I spent my years longing for has proven to be nothing I imagined. I don't know if I've gained anything, but I know I've lost a lot. So now I ask myself again: If the only thing I wanted in life was life itself, and even that was taken from me, what did I have left?
"Inside a crumbling effigy
So dies all innocence
But you promised me..."