Hey all again, hope everyone's all happy and well!! You know what? I
realised just how sad I am, I need to create a written love life for
fictional characters so that I can take the focus off of my own!!! e___e
... Sorry, I just thought I'd mention that since I only just realised it...
oh well, I'll never get the guy I want, the least I can do is let Sora and
Riku have each other, and let you guys experience it ~_^
Well as I say every time, I love you guys all so much for supporting me and reviewing, because I love writing and you guys are giving me a little bit of that dream- to have someone actually thinking it's good! Geez... I rant a lot eh? Ah well, you don't have to read this; I just like sharing my sad life with my faithful readers- THAT'S YOU!
Well now to the point... here are my thanks!!! Again, you guys have made me feel fluffy inside with your comments, and you know, the usual stuff... Thanks to- CursedAngelofSephiroth- yeah I thought a diary would suit Sora and that idea was stuck in my mind practically since I wrote this story! Thanks ^_^ Sora Lover: Angel of Darkness- Good good Sora Lover!! Reviews make Eva happyyyy!!! Yeah Riku will love him soon enough... Heather Christi- You'll just have to wait and see *cackles evilly* yes but anywho... as usual, your review was really great and personal to me so thanks, and I'm glad you've been with me from the start!! Yeah I hoped you'd like the longness of the chappie... well keep on at it with the reviews! TRT14- Awww, bad Riku for stealing T's plushie!! Yes I know, I thought it was actually quite cute how Sora was all possessive... *shrugs* thanks for the long review, can't wait to hear from you next!!! Anna Chibi- yeah I know I'm trying to drag out the angst and add more angsty things (hey, don't blame me for being evil!) so don't you worry!! Actually, same as the object of my affection, I can't have him for so many reasons... *groan* but as I said before, I'll eventually let them be together *smirk* eventually... Also thanks to: Sora otaku, Kairi099, RiKKu, Thalyssa (I didn't have too much to reply to with you guys, so I'll just thank you!)
Anyway, I'll remind you guys where we're up to (in case you forgot and nothing I say makes sense). Ok, well Riku just read Sora's diary, the naughty boy, and it pretty much served as a love confession for our poor little Ri who's now extremely confuzled about all this coz he just doesn't realise that he's damn well gay. I'll fix that I will!!! MuAhAhAhAhA!!! Alrightey I'm a little ce-razy now... O___O Er... enjoy
_____________________________________________________________________
I lost all feeling in my body, falling on to the chair and dropping the book into my lap as I stared at the wall.
'Gay... he said he was gay... he said he loved me...' I thought, as the realisation that the dream I had interrupted had been exactly what I had assumed... I hadn't overreacted after all...
No, it couldn't be! What about Kairi?
'...Now I have to act like I'm straight, like I love Kairi...'
I couldn't believe it... I knew everything about Sora... he's never let on that he was gay before...
"No..." I muttered, as I felt hot tears sting the corners of my eyes.
"No?" Sora chuckled as he bounced into the room.
I gasped and jumped up, backed completely against the wall. My rasping breath was coming out in cracked sobs and even though I fought with all my might against the tears that longed to stream down my face, I could feel a wet trail trickling down my white cheeks.
Sora looked at me worriedly and took a stride towards me. I whimpered and looked away from him, not wanting him to see me so troubled... then I realised he wasn't walking towards me. He was crouching at the place where the red book had clattered off of my lap, lying sprawled on the ground. He ran his bare, trembling fingers over it's rough exterior and softly pulled it shut.
Hot tears blurred my vision, but even through them I could see that Sora's face showed a look of hurt.
That face was the most excruciating thing I had ever seen. It made me feel so selfish... I knew that breaking down and crying wasn't exactly the reaction he had wanted. He looked confused and devastated... but so was I! He wasn't the only one hurting here, he had to understand that... he had to...
I reluctantly lifted my swollen eyes to look at his face, and when I did so, I gulped and said in a croaky voice, "I think I'd better go."
Sora didn't do anything to stop me, nor did he do anything to agree with me. He just kept looking at me with that face...
I stood up shakily and kept close to the wall, careful not to come too close to Sora lest I break down once more and hurt him further.
I slipped out of his room and ran out of the house before his mum had the chance to even see my face let alone question me. I began to run home... faster than I'd ever ran before... until suddenly my feet slipped from under me and I fell forward on to the sand, wet from rain, and I wailed in loud rough sobs. Nobody else was on the beach... nobody else could hear me, and for that I was glad. Nobody could see me at the weakest I had ever been, the first time I had cried since I was a child with a broken arm.
I could hear a muffled yelling coming from behind me, far away enough to run from... so I sprung up to my feet and ran all the way home, hearing yelling coming from behind me once more before I was out of hearing distance.
I almost collapsed on my doorstep, but managed to collect up the strength to pull the door open and swing it shut behind me as I dazedly trailed up the stairs.
"Riku!" came a voice from downstairs. I whirled around to face the speaker, and my mum approached me hurriedly, sweeping my hair away from my face to study my swollen eyes and streaked face. I pushed her hand away from me and turned away, muttering, "I don't need your sympathy."
I trudged into my room and shut the door, locking it so that my mum couldn't bother me any further. 'Why did she have to come early today?' I thought bitterly.
'Shower time...' I smiled wryly, stripping my clothes off and dumping them on the floor... 'Just like Sora does...'
I twisted the knob quickly and almost jumped into the shower. As I said before, it helped me think... and that's what I needed to do right now...
Once again, I couldn't explain why, but with the sweat and dirt, the water washed away, I felt my worries deter slightly. I closed my eyes and let out a slow, long sigh.
What was I going to do about Sora? Things could never be the same now that I knew how he felt about me... Would it really have been such a huge shock that he was gay if he hadn't said that I was the genuine love of his life? For some reason, I doubted it...
Now that I thought about it, I was being more selfish than ever by running away from this. Had I truly been so stupid to leave him alone when he had actually said that he would never forgive himself if this ruined our relationship? Yet I had still been a coward and made him feel like this was his fault!
I growled at the thought of how cruel I was being... yet I knew I couldn't face him, not yet. I hated the feeling that he was looking at me as something else, not just his best friend anymore...
How long had he felt that way? Surely it couldn't have been that long... How could he have hidden it for so long? Or... maybe I was just too ignorant, wanted to believe that he didn't feel that way so much that I blocked the possibility out of my mind. Either way, I knew I had been living a lie for some time... and that scared me. It scared me to think I was lost, that nothing had really been what it seemed, and maybe, had it not been such a secret, I wouldn't have minded so much...
What was I thinking?! Of course I minded, Sora was in love with me! 'Is that really so bad though...?'
Of course it was! I slapped my head and scowled at myself for causing so much confusion... this was the worst thing that had ever happened to me, so why did I have some sort of a sense of relief? Was it because there was finally some truth, and I didn't care what that was, as long as it was out?
'That's not it, I know it's not...'
I moaned as I realised I was going to have a heated argument with myself if I didn't stop now, and I turned off the shower slowly and stepped, dripping, out of it.
I dried myself lazily and slipped the clothes I had messily dumped on the ground back on. I fought to stop my lip from trembling and the stinging tears from leaving my eyes, and went back into my room, immediately lying on my bed.
'Who knew crying was so tiring?' I thought as I began to drift off to sleep.
"Riku? You've got a visitor..." came my mum's voice from outside the door.
I immediately sat up, scared that I would begin to cry again, seeing Sora's naïve face and those big sad eyes... no, I couldn't face him.
"I don't want to see him," I spat out bitterly. Yes, it may have been cruel and hurtful for him, but if would have been worse for him to see me cry again, which I was sure I would if I was faced with him.
"Er... darling, I think you've got the wrong person... Kairi's a girl," said my mum uneasily.
My head shot up and I slowly stepped over to the door, inwardly kicking myself, and opened it to my mum with her phone in one hand, an awkward looking Kairi standing behind her.
"Come in," I mumbled, feeling the heat rise in my cheeks. Kairi fumbled past my mum and into my room. I slammed the door in my mum's face and locked it again, turning around to Kairi and forcing a smile.
"What's up?" I asked casually, sitting down on my bed.
"Riku, is something wrong? I saw you on the beach before and you looked like you were..." she trailed off, looking more awkward still.
I started to laugh mockingly and she looked at me startled, as I laughed louder.
"Is it to do with Sora?" she blurted out.
My voice cracked as I laughed, and I immediately closed my mouth, sensing that if I didn't I would begin to sob again.
"What? Nothing's wrong," I snapped back at her, flushing in a way that couldn't be determined as anger or embarrassment. Good...
"Sorry... Riku, you don't have to tell me if you don't want, but if you're upset I'm here for y-"
"But I'm not!" I shrieked, with my lips pulled back in a scowl above my teeth, my eyes having an effect as if fire was burning inside them. I never used that look... the last time I used that look was when my father had tried to help me with my problems, and Kairi was really reminding me of how he had tried, and it was opening some old wounds which I didn't need right now.
"Oh... right... well I guess I'd better go see Sora now, I was supposed to be there ten minutes ago..." she mumbled, rubbing the back of her neck nervously.
At the mention of Sora again a tear fell swiftly and smoothly down my cheek, my face still in a scowl. I turned away quickly and opened the door for her, wiping it away with my glove furtively, as she scurried quickly out of my room rushing in a small, "Seeya round Ri."
I slammed the door shut and cursed myself for breaking down on the beach and letting Kairi see that one stray tear.
'And now she's going to Sora's place...'
What was she doing going over there? He didn't need her right now- he needed me! I was his best friend, not her, and I had always been there to help! Screw her, why should she get to replace me?!
'Nobody's getting replaced,' I told myself, taking a deep breath, and hoping against hope it was true.
No, of course it wasn't true. If he were going to replace me, it sure as hell wouldn't be with Kairi. If she found out that he was gay and in love with me, I think she'd be the last person to understand! It was pretty obvious how much she loved him, so she'd be genuinely hurt and probably angry with him for not telling her for so long.
I smiled in relief, knowing that I could rest assured that Kairi wasn't replacing me... but then, what did he want to talk to her about? Maybe he just needed company.
I suddenly found myself wishing I was with him, wishing he had called me over for my company, not Kairi's, and I also found myself experiencing an emotion I didn't experience often... jealousy.
How could I feel jealous about that? I had run away from him, had given him the hint that I didn't wan to be in his company! And all of a sudden I craved his company more than I ever had before, simply because I had never been in the situation where I couldn't have it.
I looked out the window and noticed that my mum had left already, was back out doing a late shift. I grunted and fell back on to my bed.
I was startled by the sound of the doorbell breaking the silence and jumped up from bed, wondering who would be coming over now. Maybe Kairi was back with more questions and accusations of being "upset".
I thrust the door open, hoping it was Sora.
Of course, it wasn't.
"Hiya Ri! I thought... well, since our date was cut a little short last time, we could just hang out for a bit! Just us you know? No party, no dancing, what do you say?" said Katarina, flashing me a smile.
"You're not squealing," I noted, more to myself than her as I raised an eyebrow. She pouted, an exact replica of Sora's pout, and I blinked, automatically laughing when I saw it. 'If I can't see Sora, this'll have to do,' I thought as I stepped outside and shut the door behind me.
Kat laughed dreamily and wrapped her arms tightly around my arm, resting her head on my shoulder as we walked towards the beach. The whole time I was thinking about Sora...
We approached the bridge and I automatically crossed it, off to my spot on the paopu tree. As we got there I shook Kat free and swung up on to the slanting trunk. She swung herself up after me, sitting very close beside me. I sighed as she lazily draped her arm over my shoulder and pulled herself closer to me, resting her head on my shoulder again.
"Hey Riku?"
"Mmhmm," I answered, snapping out of my thoughts.
"How many girlfriends have you had?"
I raised an eyebrow at the question, wondering why I hadn't ever had a girlfriend...
"None actually..."
"What about... boyfriends?" she asked uneasily. I laughed sadly at the question, because of course, it reminded me of Sora.
"I'm not gay," I replied firmly.
"Good!" she giggled, snuggling her face in almost to my neck.
What happened next was the biggest regret of my life, and no matter what had happened to me, there was no way I could justify it...
It's strange, the places you go for comfort...
Sorry if that was a little short... well it wasn't really, just compared to the last one, which was double its size! So anyway, you know the deal- REVIEW! Love you all
xoxo Eva McBeava
Well as I say every time, I love you guys all so much for supporting me and reviewing, because I love writing and you guys are giving me a little bit of that dream- to have someone actually thinking it's good! Geez... I rant a lot eh? Ah well, you don't have to read this; I just like sharing my sad life with my faithful readers- THAT'S YOU!
Well now to the point... here are my thanks!!! Again, you guys have made me feel fluffy inside with your comments, and you know, the usual stuff... Thanks to- CursedAngelofSephiroth- yeah I thought a diary would suit Sora and that idea was stuck in my mind practically since I wrote this story! Thanks ^_^ Sora Lover: Angel of Darkness- Good good Sora Lover!! Reviews make Eva happyyyy!!! Yeah Riku will love him soon enough... Heather Christi- You'll just have to wait and see *cackles evilly* yes but anywho... as usual, your review was really great and personal to me so thanks, and I'm glad you've been with me from the start!! Yeah I hoped you'd like the longness of the chappie... well keep on at it with the reviews! TRT14- Awww, bad Riku for stealing T's plushie!! Yes I know, I thought it was actually quite cute how Sora was all possessive... *shrugs* thanks for the long review, can't wait to hear from you next!!! Anna Chibi- yeah I know I'm trying to drag out the angst and add more angsty things (hey, don't blame me for being evil!) so don't you worry!! Actually, same as the object of my affection, I can't have him for so many reasons... *groan* but as I said before, I'll eventually let them be together *smirk* eventually... Also thanks to: Sora otaku, Kairi099, RiKKu, Thalyssa (I didn't have too much to reply to with you guys, so I'll just thank you!)
Anyway, I'll remind you guys where we're up to (in case you forgot and nothing I say makes sense). Ok, well Riku just read Sora's diary, the naughty boy, and it pretty much served as a love confession for our poor little Ri who's now extremely confuzled about all this coz he just doesn't realise that he's damn well gay. I'll fix that I will!!! MuAhAhAhAhA!!! Alrightey I'm a little ce-razy now... O___O Er... enjoy
_____________________________________________________________________
I lost all feeling in my body, falling on to the chair and dropping the book into my lap as I stared at the wall.
'Gay... he said he was gay... he said he loved me...' I thought, as the realisation that the dream I had interrupted had been exactly what I had assumed... I hadn't overreacted after all...
No, it couldn't be! What about Kairi?
'...Now I have to act like I'm straight, like I love Kairi...'
I couldn't believe it... I knew everything about Sora... he's never let on that he was gay before...
"No..." I muttered, as I felt hot tears sting the corners of my eyes.
"No?" Sora chuckled as he bounced into the room.
I gasped and jumped up, backed completely against the wall. My rasping breath was coming out in cracked sobs and even though I fought with all my might against the tears that longed to stream down my face, I could feel a wet trail trickling down my white cheeks.
Sora looked at me worriedly and took a stride towards me. I whimpered and looked away from him, not wanting him to see me so troubled... then I realised he wasn't walking towards me. He was crouching at the place where the red book had clattered off of my lap, lying sprawled on the ground. He ran his bare, trembling fingers over it's rough exterior and softly pulled it shut.
Hot tears blurred my vision, but even through them I could see that Sora's face showed a look of hurt.
That face was the most excruciating thing I had ever seen. It made me feel so selfish... I knew that breaking down and crying wasn't exactly the reaction he had wanted. He looked confused and devastated... but so was I! He wasn't the only one hurting here, he had to understand that... he had to...
I reluctantly lifted my swollen eyes to look at his face, and when I did so, I gulped and said in a croaky voice, "I think I'd better go."
Sora didn't do anything to stop me, nor did he do anything to agree with me. He just kept looking at me with that face...
I stood up shakily and kept close to the wall, careful not to come too close to Sora lest I break down once more and hurt him further.
I slipped out of his room and ran out of the house before his mum had the chance to even see my face let alone question me. I began to run home... faster than I'd ever ran before... until suddenly my feet slipped from under me and I fell forward on to the sand, wet from rain, and I wailed in loud rough sobs. Nobody else was on the beach... nobody else could hear me, and for that I was glad. Nobody could see me at the weakest I had ever been, the first time I had cried since I was a child with a broken arm.
I could hear a muffled yelling coming from behind me, far away enough to run from... so I sprung up to my feet and ran all the way home, hearing yelling coming from behind me once more before I was out of hearing distance.
I almost collapsed on my doorstep, but managed to collect up the strength to pull the door open and swing it shut behind me as I dazedly trailed up the stairs.
"Riku!" came a voice from downstairs. I whirled around to face the speaker, and my mum approached me hurriedly, sweeping my hair away from my face to study my swollen eyes and streaked face. I pushed her hand away from me and turned away, muttering, "I don't need your sympathy."
I trudged into my room and shut the door, locking it so that my mum couldn't bother me any further. 'Why did she have to come early today?' I thought bitterly.
'Shower time...' I smiled wryly, stripping my clothes off and dumping them on the floor... 'Just like Sora does...'
I twisted the knob quickly and almost jumped into the shower. As I said before, it helped me think... and that's what I needed to do right now...
Once again, I couldn't explain why, but with the sweat and dirt, the water washed away, I felt my worries deter slightly. I closed my eyes and let out a slow, long sigh.
What was I going to do about Sora? Things could never be the same now that I knew how he felt about me... Would it really have been such a huge shock that he was gay if he hadn't said that I was the genuine love of his life? For some reason, I doubted it...
Now that I thought about it, I was being more selfish than ever by running away from this. Had I truly been so stupid to leave him alone when he had actually said that he would never forgive himself if this ruined our relationship? Yet I had still been a coward and made him feel like this was his fault!
I growled at the thought of how cruel I was being... yet I knew I couldn't face him, not yet. I hated the feeling that he was looking at me as something else, not just his best friend anymore...
How long had he felt that way? Surely it couldn't have been that long... How could he have hidden it for so long? Or... maybe I was just too ignorant, wanted to believe that he didn't feel that way so much that I blocked the possibility out of my mind. Either way, I knew I had been living a lie for some time... and that scared me. It scared me to think I was lost, that nothing had really been what it seemed, and maybe, had it not been such a secret, I wouldn't have minded so much...
What was I thinking?! Of course I minded, Sora was in love with me! 'Is that really so bad though...?'
Of course it was! I slapped my head and scowled at myself for causing so much confusion... this was the worst thing that had ever happened to me, so why did I have some sort of a sense of relief? Was it because there was finally some truth, and I didn't care what that was, as long as it was out?
'That's not it, I know it's not...'
I moaned as I realised I was going to have a heated argument with myself if I didn't stop now, and I turned off the shower slowly and stepped, dripping, out of it.
I dried myself lazily and slipped the clothes I had messily dumped on the ground back on. I fought to stop my lip from trembling and the stinging tears from leaving my eyes, and went back into my room, immediately lying on my bed.
'Who knew crying was so tiring?' I thought as I began to drift off to sleep.
"Riku? You've got a visitor..." came my mum's voice from outside the door.
I immediately sat up, scared that I would begin to cry again, seeing Sora's naïve face and those big sad eyes... no, I couldn't face him.
"I don't want to see him," I spat out bitterly. Yes, it may have been cruel and hurtful for him, but if would have been worse for him to see me cry again, which I was sure I would if I was faced with him.
"Er... darling, I think you've got the wrong person... Kairi's a girl," said my mum uneasily.
My head shot up and I slowly stepped over to the door, inwardly kicking myself, and opened it to my mum with her phone in one hand, an awkward looking Kairi standing behind her.
"Come in," I mumbled, feeling the heat rise in my cheeks. Kairi fumbled past my mum and into my room. I slammed the door in my mum's face and locked it again, turning around to Kairi and forcing a smile.
"What's up?" I asked casually, sitting down on my bed.
"Riku, is something wrong? I saw you on the beach before and you looked like you were..." she trailed off, looking more awkward still.
I started to laugh mockingly and she looked at me startled, as I laughed louder.
"Is it to do with Sora?" she blurted out.
My voice cracked as I laughed, and I immediately closed my mouth, sensing that if I didn't I would begin to sob again.
"What? Nothing's wrong," I snapped back at her, flushing in a way that couldn't be determined as anger or embarrassment. Good...
"Sorry... Riku, you don't have to tell me if you don't want, but if you're upset I'm here for y-"
"But I'm not!" I shrieked, with my lips pulled back in a scowl above my teeth, my eyes having an effect as if fire was burning inside them. I never used that look... the last time I used that look was when my father had tried to help me with my problems, and Kairi was really reminding me of how he had tried, and it was opening some old wounds which I didn't need right now.
"Oh... right... well I guess I'd better go see Sora now, I was supposed to be there ten minutes ago..." she mumbled, rubbing the back of her neck nervously.
At the mention of Sora again a tear fell swiftly and smoothly down my cheek, my face still in a scowl. I turned away quickly and opened the door for her, wiping it away with my glove furtively, as she scurried quickly out of my room rushing in a small, "Seeya round Ri."
I slammed the door shut and cursed myself for breaking down on the beach and letting Kairi see that one stray tear.
'And now she's going to Sora's place...'
What was she doing going over there? He didn't need her right now- he needed me! I was his best friend, not her, and I had always been there to help! Screw her, why should she get to replace me?!
'Nobody's getting replaced,' I told myself, taking a deep breath, and hoping against hope it was true.
No, of course it wasn't true. If he were going to replace me, it sure as hell wouldn't be with Kairi. If she found out that he was gay and in love with me, I think she'd be the last person to understand! It was pretty obvious how much she loved him, so she'd be genuinely hurt and probably angry with him for not telling her for so long.
I smiled in relief, knowing that I could rest assured that Kairi wasn't replacing me... but then, what did he want to talk to her about? Maybe he just needed company.
I suddenly found myself wishing I was with him, wishing he had called me over for my company, not Kairi's, and I also found myself experiencing an emotion I didn't experience often... jealousy.
How could I feel jealous about that? I had run away from him, had given him the hint that I didn't wan to be in his company! And all of a sudden I craved his company more than I ever had before, simply because I had never been in the situation where I couldn't have it.
I looked out the window and noticed that my mum had left already, was back out doing a late shift. I grunted and fell back on to my bed.
I was startled by the sound of the doorbell breaking the silence and jumped up from bed, wondering who would be coming over now. Maybe Kairi was back with more questions and accusations of being "upset".
I thrust the door open, hoping it was Sora.
Of course, it wasn't.
"Hiya Ri! I thought... well, since our date was cut a little short last time, we could just hang out for a bit! Just us you know? No party, no dancing, what do you say?" said Katarina, flashing me a smile.
"You're not squealing," I noted, more to myself than her as I raised an eyebrow. She pouted, an exact replica of Sora's pout, and I blinked, automatically laughing when I saw it. 'If I can't see Sora, this'll have to do,' I thought as I stepped outside and shut the door behind me.
Kat laughed dreamily and wrapped her arms tightly around my arm, resting her head on my shoulder as we walked towards the beach. The whole time I was thinking about Sora...
We approached the bridge and I automatically crossed it, off to my spot on the paopu tree. As we got there I shook Kat free and swung up on to the slanting trunk. She swung herself up after me, sitting very close beside me. I sighed as she lazily draped her arm over my shoulder and pulled herself closer to me, resting her head on my shoulder again.
"Hey Riku?"
"Mmhmm," I answered, snapping out of my thoughts.
"How many girlfriends have you had?"
I raised an eyebrow at the question, wondering why I hadn't ever had a girlfriend...
"None actually..."
"What about... boyfriends?" she asked uneasily. I laughed sadly at the question, because of course, it reminded me of Sora.
"I'm not gay," I replied firmly.
"Good!" she giggled, snuggling her face in almost to my neck.
What happened next was the biggest regret of my life, and no matter what had happened to me, there was no way I could justify it...
It's strange, the places you go for comfort...
Sorry if that was a little short... well it wasn't really, just compared to the last one, which was double its size! So anyway, you know the deal- REVIEW! Love you all
xoxo Eva McBeava