**DISCLAIMER** Tekken is not mine! Nuff said.
Spooks Dinner theatre
(Chloe walks out on stage.)
Me: Ladies and Gentleman! Welcome to the Spooks Dinner theatre. I will be your host for this evening. We've only worked four two hours on tonight's show, so now we've only got 7 acts unless something goes on, and I've been working with idiots so I'm apologizing in advance.
Kazuya: Hey! You're not supposed to insult us!
Me: I'm the host so I can do whatever I damn well please, now get ready!
Kazuya: I'm not even on till the last act, so why bother?
Me: Because your costume will take a while! GET GOING!
(Kazuya scurries off.)
King: MEOW!!!!… Uh… I mean… ROAR!!!!
Me: Whatever you say…
Christie: Let's get on with it!
Me: Don't push me!!!
Hwoarang: Can I push you?
Me: Just try it!
Armor King: Let's get nakey!!!
Me: Someone get him some coffee or something!
Heihachi: Or something? Heh heh…
Jun: Heihachi!
Heihachi: Sorry… Wait! I don't listen to you!
Jun: Darn! It almost worked too!
ACT 1- Jun Kazama, Michelle Chang
Me: Ok… First up, we have Jun Kazama and Michelle Chang showing you an easy Halloween recipe for cookies! Take it away, ladies (exits stage left)
Jun: (Entering with ingredients and thanking Eddy as he carries the table on stage.) Now, what you'll need is…
(Michelle runs on stage)
Michelle: Hey you idiot, you're supposed to wait for me! (Flicks Jun's forehead.)
Jun: Ow! Anyway as I was saying, you'll need 1 (12 ounce) bag of chocolate chips, 1 tablespoon of vegetable shortening, Ritz crackers, creamy or crunchy peanut butter, and orange candy sprinkles.
Michelle: Yesh, let me get a word in!
Jun: Frubaloopa!
Michelle: What the hell did you just call me?
Jun: You heard me!
Michelle: That's the problem… Psycho…
Jun: IN A SMALL HEAVY SAUCEPAN, Melt chocolate and shortening together over low heat. Stir until smooth!
Michelle: You're acting like you had one bad trip.
Jun: are you going to help or not?
(Michelle starts following the instructions Jun gives.)
Michelle: Jun…
Jun: What do you want?
Michelle: We don't have an oven…
Jun: Well you live in a tribe, start a fire.
Michelle: ok, Jun, You're scaring me.
Jun: Wimp, anyway! Make sandwich cookies out of the Ritz crackers with Peanut butter as the filling.
Michelle: Why?
Jun: DON'T QUESTION ME!!!!!
Kazuya (From backstage): Jun, honey… Are you ok?
Jun: Yes darling! Now, Dip each cookie into the melted chocolate mixture and place on waxed paper. Sprinkle with the orange sprinkles and allow to dry at room temperature… Store in an airtight container at room temperature.
Michelle: I didn't get to do anything…
Jun: Surprise, surprise.
(Host walks back out)
Me: Eddy! (snaps fingers and points at table rudely)
Eddy: Yes, ma'am… (Carries everything off stage.)
ACT 2- Hwoarang
Me: Now for our musical performance! Please welcome Blood Talon and the Cat claws!
Paul: Cat claws? HA!
(Hwoarang and three of his street punk friends take a side stage where all the instruments are already set up, and Hwoarang takes the mic.)
Hwoarang: Hey folks!
(Boos)
Hwoarang: Relax! We're not going to play an original song! Instead, We're going to perform a Halloween classic. You'd know the song as Monster mash!
(Cheers)
Hwoarang: ready guys? 3, 2, 1, HIT IT!
(Heavy music blares but it still manages to have some sort of structure.)
Hwoarang: (singing) **I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise.
Back up vocals: **He did the mash
Hwoarang: **He did the monster mash!
BUV: **The monster mash!
Hwoarang: **It was a graveyard smash.
BUV: **He did the mash!
Hwoarang: **It caught on in a flash!
BUV: **He did the mash!
Hwoarang: (Screaming) **HE DID THE MONSTER MASH!!!!!
Miharu: HWOARANG, YOU SUCK!!!!!!
Anna: YEAH! GET OFF THE STAGE!!!!!
Forest: BOOOOOOO!!!!!
(The band keeps playing but Hwoarang stops singing.)
Hwoarang: You petty morons are just jealous because I have an act and yooooouuuuuu don't!!!! HAHA!
Miharu: YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!
Hwoarang: By the way, Miharu?
Miharu: Yes?
Hwoarang: What's the weather like up there?
Miharu: Up where?
Hwoarang: UP XIAOYU'S ASS!!!! HAHA!
(The band members start laughing and the music stops.)
Xiaoyu: (From backstage) HWOARANG! I HEARD THAT!!!!
Hwoarang: I know… Your point?
Xiaoyu: My point is-
Hwoarang: You mean you really have a point?
Xiaoyu: Yea- um… no.
Hwoarang: I do. Want to see?
Me: HWOARANG! Don't make me send Heihachi in there to finish your act!
Hwoarang: SORRY! (Mumbles) bitch…
Me: Hwoarang, you said that into the mic…
Hwoarang: Damn mic…
Bryan: BRRRRAAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNNSSSSSS
Lei: (Backstage) Holy shit!
Jun: (Also backstage) LEI!
Lei: Holy shit!
Jun: Don't test me!
Lei: FREEZE!
Jun: What the…
Lei: Holy SHIT!
Me: HWOARANG! SING damnit!
Hwoarang: Goddamn it! Ride someone else's nerves, will ya?
Me: NO!
Hwoarang: FINE!
(Music starts again and they hear crashes and thuds from backstage.)
Hwoarang: Uh…
Me: SING!
Hwoarang: (Sings) ** From my laboratory in the castle east
To the master bedroom where the vampires feast
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes
To get a jolt from my electrodes
BUV: **They did the mash!
Hwoarang: **They did the damn monster mash!
BUV: **The Damn monster mash!
Hwoarang: **And it was a goddamn graveyard smash!
BUV: **They did the mash!
Hwoarang: **It caught on in a flash!
BUV: **They did the mash!
Hwoarang: (Screams) **THEY DID THE MOTHER FUCKING MONSTER MASH!!!!!
Me: You're out of time for your bloody act!
Hwoarang: But-
Me: NO! We're on a bloody schedule!
Hwoarang: Quit saying bloody! You're not frickin' British you damn Canadian!
Jun: HWOARANG!
Hwoarang: Well she's not!
Me: OI!
Hwoarang: GODDAMN mother frickin fruckin (continues rambling)
Anna: Chloe, he's right Darling. Loose the accent!
Me: You know what, darling? SHUT THE BLOODY 'ELL UP! This is my bloody show, and I'll say bloody the whole bloody night if I want!
Nina: Chloe… Simmer.
Me: I'll bloody simmer down when I'm bloody ready, now bugger off!
Steve: Erm…
Me: NO BLOODY TALKING BACK THERE!
Anna: LOOSE THE DAMN ACCENT!
Me: I'll stop sounding British when you bloody well stop sounding Irish!
Anna: But I am Irish!
Me: Well I am British!
Dr. B: Uh, actually I've done some research into your roots, and Chloe… Your ancestors Are Provencal… You're French…
Me: … You know what, Boskonovitch?
Dr. B: Yes?
Me: Say hello to my very best bloody friend… Eric.
Dr. B: Hello Eric?
(A HUGE Anvil falls on Dr. B)
Me: That time when I said bloody I meant it. Anyone else care to question me?
Hwoarang: Chloe… You name your anvil?
Me: Uh… No…
Hwoarang: You named it Eric? What the hell is up with that?
Me: Are you questioning me?
Hwoarang: … No…
Me: Brilliant!
Hwoarang: Yeah…
Act 3- Christie Monteiro, Ling Xiaoyu, Julia Change
Me: Moving on!!! Our next act is a special Halloween voodoo dance! Please welcome Christie, Xiaoyu, and Julia to the stage!!!!!
(Cheers as the girls run out.)
Xiaoyu: (Waits) WANG! START THE MUSIC!!!!!
Christie: Start the damn music before I bash you!
Jun: CHRISTIE!!
Christie: Shush! I'm performing!
(Girls start to dance to drums. Men start hooting and hollering.)
Jin (backstage): TAKE IT OFF!!!!!!
Jun: JIN!!!!
Jin: Oops… I mean… Put it on, rather…
Kazuya (Still backstage): Heh that's my boy!
Jin: SSHHHHUT UP!
Jun: GRABABABABABABABABA!!!!!
Jin: What the… Mom?
Jun: FFFFFFFFFFFF-FF-F-FFFFF-FF-FFFFFFFUCK!!!!
Jin: … MOMMY!
Me: There must be some sort of electrons in the air causing this dysfunctional family to become even more psycho!
Heihachi (Backstage): Hey! Not me!
Me: You can't get any more psycho.
Kazuya (Backstage… still): What about me?
Me: … You don't count.
Kazuya: Why not?
Me: Because of your damn suit!
Kazuya: That was uncalled for!!!!!!
Me: That suit is uncalled for!
Kazuya: Your birth was uncalled for!
Me: … You're … your suit is UGLY!
Kazuya: BITCH!!!!!
Me: WOOF!!!!!
Forest Law: Kazuya, I agree with the Canadian. Your suit is ugly.
Kazuya: Who asked you?
Forest: I don't care!
Kazuya: Don't make me come out there and beat your ass!
Forest: We'll see whose ass gets beat!
Marshal (Backstage): Forest ease up on the lame comebacks, kid.
Armor King: NAKEY NAKEY NAKEY!!!!!!
King 2: ROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRR
King 1: ROOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRAAAAAARRRRRRR*cough* RRRRRRR
Armor King: NAAAAAAKKKKKKEEEEEYYYYY
Gun Jack: ANNA I LOVE YOU!!
Anna: ew…
Nina: How cute!
Anna: Hey Nina…
Nina: Don't talk to me.
Anna: No. I was just wondering…
Nina: Well don't.
Anna: I thought we were the infamous Williams sisters.
Lee (Backstage): Only in the bedroom, darlings!
Nina: SHUT YOUR TRAP YOU DAMN GRAY HAIRED DEVIL WANNABE!!!!!
Anna: As I was saying… Since we're like the most popular females in the tournaments… Why don't we have an act? I mean, we should have got to do this dance.
Nina: We don't have an act because I'm the more popular out of us two, and I don't want a damn act.
Anna: You are not!
Nina: Fine, Think what you want. I don't give a damn.
(P. Jack explodes for no apparent reason.)
Dr. B: I was wondering when that was going to happen.
Me: Hey! I thought I killed you!
Dr. B: Perhaps you did.
Me: Then… Ah never mind!
Jin (Still backstage): I don't wanna wear this!!!!!!!! MOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!! Tell Chloe I don't have to wear this!
Jun: (twitches) GARGOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: … She sure told me…
Jin: … Mommy…
Dr. B: It appears she came down with a case of- (Gets crushed by "Eric" again.)
Jin: Chloe… Stop hurting old people!
Me: He's not in my show! Give me one good reason why I should stop!
Jin: We'll all quit!!!!!! All at the same time!!!! You can't kill us all!
Me: (Pulls out a Machine gun) Jin, honey, meet Armand!
Hwoarang: Armand?
Me: SHUT THE BLOODY 'ELL UP or I'll put you in the last act with Jin and such…
Hwoarang: I'M SORRY!!!!!
Jin: I didn't even do anything wrong to deserve the last act…
Lei (Backstage): Someone has to do it.
Jin: Bah!
Christie: We're trying to do a spooky dance for you people so SHUT UP!!!
Hwoarang: Spooky? I don't think so… Sexy on the other hand is-
(A crash is heard from back stage.)
Hwoarang: OW! EDDY! Get off!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Christie: Thank you eddy darling!!!!
Xiaoyu: OH NO!!!!!!!! Get off my Hwoarang!!!!! (Runs backstage) OFF OFF OFF!!!!!
Julia: (Stops) Does this mean out act is over?
Christie: (Stops too) I think so.
Julia: GOOD Because I HATE you!!!!!!!
Christie: What? Why?
Julia: JIN'S MINE!!!!!
Christie: What the… Why you telling me? I don't care!
Jin: … uh… (Hides Behind Nina)
Nina: Wrong place Jin, I wanted you dead, remember?
Jin: Oh yeah… (Hides behind Anna)
Anna: Hey hot stuff.
Jin: EEP! (Hides behind Forest)
Forest: hmm…
("Eric" Falls on Forest law, just missing Jin.)
Jin: … Hey… CHLOE!!!!! What you do that for?
Me: … I didn't. I swear! I left the button on stage!!!!
Christie: IT was JULIA!!!!!!!
(Everyone boos Julia)
Julia: It was not!!! Christie framed me!!!!!!!! WAAAHHHH!!!!!! Michelle!!!!! Beat up Christie!!!!!!
Michelle: Sure thang!!!! (Runs on stage and tackles Christie.)
(The fight begins)
Audience Member: Is this part of the act?
Me: … Uh… sure…
Jun: CHLOEEOEOEOEOE YOU have to STOP them!!!!!! NOWOWOWWOWOW!!!
Jin: … DAD!!! Make mom be normal again!!!!
(A thump is heard coming from back stage)
Jin: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! DDDDAAAAADDDDDD!!!!! MOMMY DIED!!!!!!! (cries) not again!!!!!!!
Kazuya: Meh, she'll be back.
Jin: But she's dead…
Kazuya: It's not like she hasn't died before!
Jin: I wish I had normal parents…
Kazuya: You mean the disposable kind?
(Bryan joins in the fight on stage)
ACT 4- Heihachi Mishima
Me: Quiet down you bloody idiots! EVERYONE!!!!!! Welcome Heihachi Mishima to the stage as he performs for you a Poem that he wrote specifically for this show! (Exits stage left)
(Boos as Heihachi walks out.)
Heihachi: SILENCE FOOLS!!!!! (clears throat) Halloween, by Heihachi Mishima…
Bone chilling winds come from afar.
Strangers eyes shine like stars.
Spooky silence screams my name.
When death comes, who's to blame?
Walls crumble, Bodies float.
Someone tears out a Devil's throat.
Deserted streets never end…
My descendant's lives are going to bend.
How much do you want to bet,
This Halloween you won't forget.
Kazuya's life will no longer be.
That's one thing you can blame on me.
Another Treat will be Jin's death.
I can't wait until his last breath.
So when you hear the silent scream.
Now you know it's not a dream.
The end.
Jin (Backstage): Dear god… That's a horrible poem!
Heihachi: What? Don't you like it?
Jin: … NO!
Kazuya: Meh, He's said worse about me.
Miharu: Isn't anyone even going to stop Christie and Michelle?
Me: Why bother?
Heihachi: WHERE'S MY BLOODY APPLAUSE?
Anna: Bloody? Don't you start!
Heihachi: BLOODY BLOODY BLOODY!!!!!
Me: ( walks on stage with Heihachi) WOOOOO!!!!!! GO HEIHACHI!!!!!!
Heihachi: (singing) **BLOOOOOODDDDYYYYYYYYYYYY BLOODY!!!!!!!!
Me: **LAH BLOODY DAH!!! (Dances)
Kuma: (Dances too)
Jin: Chloe… You're dancing with a bear…
Me: Bite me, biatch!
Jin: … No…
Jun: YOU BETTER SAY THAT!!!
Jin: MOMMMY!!!! You're ALIVEEEE!!!!!
Me: Lah dee bloody dah!
Jin: … Chloe… Please don't make me angry.
Me: Why? Will you turn into the hulk? Jinny hulk boy? JIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNYYYYYY HULK BOY!!!!
Heihachi: HAHAHAHAHA JINNY HULK BOY!!!!!
(Jin comes out on stage and turns into Devil Jin and attacks Chloe.)
Me: EEP!!!! AHHHHH SOMEONE HELP!!!!!!!!!
(silence)
Me: GRRRR!!!! (dodges fists) EDDY!!!!!!!!
Eddy: Yes?
Me: I'll cry!!!!!!!
Eddy: (Pulls Jin off Chloe) There. Happy now?
Me: That's it!!!!!! Backstage, Gordo, I'm putting you in the most humiliating position in the show!!!!!!
Eddy: Damnit, is this what I get for saving you?
Me: No this is what you get for hesitating!!!!!!!
Eddy: That's because I wish you'd die!!!!!
Bryan: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA DIE!
Eddy: … Yeah Bryan… Die…
Bryan: DIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE
Heihachi: **BLOOOOOOOODDDYYYYYYY DIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!! (Dances)
Me: Jin… Go bloody get ready for your bloody act!
Jin: (No longer devil Jin) FINE!!!! (Walks backstage)
Me: Heihachi, Give Eddy the… CCMF role in the last act…
Eddy: DEAR GOD NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Jin: HAHAHAHAH!!!
Kazuya: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Lee: … HA…. Ha! … ha…
Steve: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEEEEEEEE
Hwoarang: Steve, man, that laugh was disturbing…
Steve: Sorry mate…
Hwoarang: it's s'ok…
Jin: OH MY GOD!!!!!! HWOARANG AND STEVE HUGGED!!!!!!!
Kazuya: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.
Me: SHUT THE BLOODY 'ELL UP!! Next act is…
ACT 5- Lei Wulong
Me: Lei Wulong get out here and do your bloody act you bloody ankle-biter!!!!
Lei: (Walks out) Hey fold, I got a couple Lymrics for you since I couldn't find any great jokes…
Me: Couldn't find the jokes? You bloody wankers can't do anything right.
Lei: Don't start with me, bitch!
Me: Or else what? Do your bloody act! We ain't got all bloody century!!!!
Steve: Uh… Chloe… Wanker isn't a british word. That word comes from Down under…
Me: Steve.
Steve: Ya huh?
Me: Would you like to meet a friend of mine?
Steve: No, that's ok. I'm sorry…
Lei: I'm starting now!!!!!!
Mary had a little lamb,
You've heard this tale before,
But did you know she passed her plate
And had a little more?
(Audience laughs, Julia and Michelle gasp)
Lei: Alright, that was a sparker. Now for my next one…
A ghoul stood on the moonlit bank,
His bones were all aquiver.
He gave a cough,
His leg fell off,
And floated down the river.
(Xiaoyu and Miharu scream, Audience laughs)
Hwoarang: Man, you suck! Those weren't funny, they were lame!
Lei: They laughed!
Hwoarang: They were laughing at your face!!!!!!!
Lei: THAT'S IT!!!!!! I QUIT!!!!!!
Hwoarang: It's about time!!!!!!!
Lei: ARGH!!!!! (Leaves)
Me: Damnit Hwoarang… Oh well, those were pretty bad.
Xiaoyu: I agreeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Hwoarang: You'd agree with anyone.
Xiaoyu: Not you!!!!!!!
Hwoarang: That's because you want me.
Xiaoyu: How the hell do you get that?
ACT 6- Tiger, Bryan Fury, Kunimitsu, special guest.
Me: Now for the story telling! This will be one of those ones where the people sit in a circle, each making up a part as the story goes around… We have a special guest here for it, too.
(The boogieman walks out on stage. Xiaoyu and Miharu scream. The rest of the people in the act follow the Boogieman and they sit in a circle.)
Me: Boogieman starts. (Exits stage right)
Boogieman: Erm… Once upon a time there was a young girl.
Bryan: HER NAME WAS DIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!
Tiger: She was a sexy mama.
Kunimitsu: She was also very angry and vengeful because she got cast out of a… group because she was looking out for herself and the group sucked anyway!
Boogieman: … So one day, as she was walking down the street, a man in a cloak came up to her.
Bryan: HE MADE HER DIE!!!!!!
Tiger: Which made her late for the disco party and she was, like, sad, man, because she really wanted to get her groove thang going.
Kunimitsu: She was a ghost now and tried to …. Become a zombie so she could kill everyone in the group for being mean to her!
Boogieman: uh… She floated up over a small lake, only to see the souls trapped inside the water, reaching for her and wailing her name, clawing at the waters surface, trying to break through.
Bryan: They were like… DIE!
Tiger: So she went under the water to try and cheer them up by getting their groove thangs going!
Kunimitsu: And then she saw the leader of the group she was cast out of under the water with them, only he did not see her or the other souls for he was still alive, and just swimming!
Boogieman: Uh… The souls pulled her away before she could try to attack him, and wouldn't release her no matter how much she pleaded and struggled.
Bryan: They were like… DIE!
Tiger: She told them she would like help them get to that disco haven in the sky if they would only let her go.
Kunimitsu: They agreed so she attacked the leader, only to go right through him!
Boogieman: She followed the… leader as he got out of the water, only something was wrong, because she couldn't seem to break the waters surface.
Bryan: She was like DIE!
Tiger: She cried because there was no disco groove under the water.
Kunimitsu: and she cried because she couldn't kill the leader.
Boogieman: The end. You guys are idiots.
Bryan: DIIIIIEEEE
Me: (Walks on stage) That was very… interesting. Thank you very much Mr. Boogieman.
Boogieman: My pleasure, Chloe. (Winks at Chloe and leaves)
Jin: What was that about?
Me: NOTHING!!!!! Are you bloody ready yet? It's time for your act!
Jin: I'm ready! I'm ready!
Me: Close the curtains!!!!!!! Get in position!
(Curtains close)
Act 7- Paul Phoenix, Marshal Law, Kazuya Mishima, Jin Kazama, Steve fox, Ganryu, Yoshimitsu, Eddy Gordo.
Me: Please give a big welcome to this group of men, if you are to call them men. Applaud! They need the support, trust me! EDDY! Take it away!!!!! (Exits)
Eddy: (Walks in front of the curtains) **EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!!!!!!!!
(Music starts. The curtain opens to reveal all the guys in the act dressed in drag. They begin to move with the music)
Miharu: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Xiaoyu: Thank god Hwoarang's not there…
(Eddy continues singing the song. Chloe climbs down and takes a seat in the Audience, along with everyone else who was backstage and not in this particular act.)
Hwoarang: This is so great.
Heihachi: I agree!
Me: I'm a genius.
Jun: Why My boys?
Me: Kazuya's there for kicking me out of the Halloween Tekken talk. Jin is there because he makes a very pretty woman.
Jin: I heard that!
Me: Keep dancing, bitch!
Julia: WOOOOOO SHAKE THAT ASS!!!!!
Michelle: JULIA!!
Julia: Loosen up!
Hwoarang: (throws money on stage) Now THIS is funny!!!!!!!!!!!
(Jin turns into Devil Jin and rips his dress. It falls to the ground. He stands there in his boxers.)
Me: Ouch. Now that's sexy!
Jun: CHLOE!
Christie: I totally agree, but… Chloe… May I do the honors?
Me: You may.
Christie: (Climbs on stage and rips Jin's Boxers off.) Oh my…
(Audience gasps. Curtains fall)
Me: … Erm… Shows BLOOOODDDDYYYYY over folks!!!!!!