"Bloody hell, I don't want to do this!" Spike scoffed, but he had to look pretty for Angel. He sighed with sadness and entered the store.
Behind the counter sat a ravishingly beautiful quasi-asian chick with blue contacs and a pink sweater. "Have a seat hun, and I'll tell you all about my problems."
"Blood hell." Spike reiterated, but he had to sit down or he wouldn't look pretty for Angel.
So, the woman began to do the nail stuff that happens when you get a manicure, and she says, "My name is Lana Lang. Many years ago, my parents were killed, crushed by an asteroid before my very eyes. Their rank desertion has made me a sad sad girl. So sad, I cry every night. They abandoned me. Their helpless little child, mealing and wimpering on the ground in my pretty fairy princess outfit. How could they have been so cruel?! Aren't they so mean?! Sympathize with me! Now!"
Spike was admiring his nails and he gave a deplorable sigh. "Almost perfect, but you could have done a better job. Come one, fairy princess?"
"So anyway," Lana continued. "My parents were killed, by an asteroid. It crushed them flat like pancakes. My parents abandoned me! What's wrong with them?! Can you understand how they can be so mean? And I was also abandoned by…. let me make a list…
1. Nell
2. Whitney
3. Clark
4. Sexy Lexy
5. That magnificent bastard
6. umm…. Martha Kent
7. and then… Chloe
8. Pete
9. Tina Greer
10. S. Sterling Munro Jr.
11. Bernard T. Feld
12. Sidney Davidoff
13. John Conyers
14. Samuel M. Lambert
15. Stewart Rawlings Mott
16. Ronald Dellums
17. Daniel Schorr
18. S. Harrison Dogole
19. Paul Newman
20. Mary McGrory
21. Arnold M. Picker
22. Alexander E. Barkan
23. Ed Guthman
24. Maxwell Dane
25. Charles Dyson
26. Howard Stein
27. Allard Lowenstein
28. Morton Halperin
29. Leonard Woodcock
30. The guy with the orange hair in those commercials."
Lana caught her breath. "See? Isn't it so tragic? I am such a sad sad girl."
"Got that right."
THE END