Chapter 1—Full Moon Rising
A drop into an endless sea
Raven fought to control her mind. It was the tool she strained against so desperately. It was a struggle she tried so strenuously to win.
Azarath
I am only a Drop
Here was the world that meant something, here within her own mind. Beneath the cover of shadow and darkness, Raven found her peace. No one could read about it or write about it or define it. This world was hers to have, hers to find.
Endless…
~~~
"The moon is wondrous, Beastboy!" said Starfire in a light voice. "Please look, I have never seen any moon so bright before. Truly this must be a magical night!" She clasped her hands dreamily to her chest starring out a large window revealing the cold night. The large, orange orb reflected across her green eyes.
"Mmm…videogames…" mumbled Beastboy almost mechanically. His face was glued to the TV screen as he tried again at another addicting but seemingly useless round of Parrappa the Rappa.
"Mmm…moon…" He was beginning to drool.
"Beast boy, can you not hear me?" Starfire said, not once taking her gaze off of the moon. It truly was a spectacular sight. The orb hung close to the horizon dancing off the cityscape. It cast long, spindly shadows across the floor in the living room of Titan Tower. Such a view would have been addicting to anyone.
"Perhaps Beastboy is unable to appreciate this spectacular event," said Starfire but without missing a beat of her liveliness. "Maybe Raven could appreciates this…"
"Mmm…Raven…" Beastboy gargled through drool.
~~~
Metrion
Her thoughts hung in mid air, suspended by intense concentration. She was almost tempted to smile, for this peace was, in essence, perfect. All her life she had been trying to achieve moments like this where she could truly reflect into the inmost depths of her mind.
A Drop Into An…
You won't find it
The words pierced into her shadows causing her to grimace slightly. Almost every time she meditated these were the words that had continued to bore into her subconscious. "I will not lose focus."
You look, but I'm not here
Zinthos
Her fists clenched in determination. She could not lose this thought process, not this time. These moments were too precious to her. They were all she had.
"Zinthos!" she shouted, trying desperately to hold on.
You can't…
~~~
"What a moon…" Robin murmured to himself. He sat alone on the roof of the Titan Tower watching the wind play with the waves that beat against the shore. He liked it here; it was peaceful at times even with the hum of activity rising off of the city. It was colder this night than it had been before which only added to clear the air, making the scene that much more beautiful.
The full moon reflected against the bay shooting forth a ribbon of light that danced and bobbed in the waves. It was serene to Robin, almost relaxing. This was peace, he thought, here alone in the dead of night with only his thoughts to accompany him.
A sudden gust of wind tossed Robin's hair and sent a shiver down his spine.
"I wonder if this is how Raven feels…"
~~~
Azar…
You're no drop, Raven…
Why did these questions and thoughts torment her, and why couldn't she hold them down? Every time they surfaced a chain reaction went off in her mind. Emotions of pain and anger began to bubble up from within the confines of her spirit.
You know you're looking for me
I am only a…
Her mind teetered on the edge of consciousness. The questions were threatening to break a peace she had fought so hard to win.
Metrion
Only a drop…
~~~
"That should do it," Cyborg said, heaving an unnecessarily large barbell onto a rack of weights. Sweat beaded on his forehead and pinged against the metallic shell covering his chest. He got up and strode over to a mirror with a prideful gate.
"I am the man!" he said, flexing his bulbous muscles, already thinking he could see an increase in their bulk. Cyborg took the workout's last drink of water and walked out into the hallway hoping to catch what was left of dinner.
"Now that's a moon!" he exclaimed as the brightness of the alien satellite hit Cyborg full glare. It streamed through the panel windows that lined the corridor adding a ghastly light to the scene. He walked along staring intently into the moon, his shadow duplicated perfectly along the wall beside him.
Rounding a corner, he turned to see Ravens room, door closed, dark and mysterious. A moonbeam crossed the hallway and lay directly at the foot of her threshold, but dared go no further.
"What's Raven up to?"
~~~
Stop looking and find me!
Her brow tightened as her hands continued to flex. She could not hold her concentration any longer. The voices were too strong. Could they be hers? Suddenly, the tone of the questions changed striking a cord deep inside not her mind, but her heart.
Raven…
She recognized this voice. It exploded into her thoughts, echoing in every crevice and recess. It was so familiar. It reminded her of her…
Mother?
An endless…
Escape while you still can!
"Who are you!?" Raven yelled, her mind catapulting out of her meditation. She panted hard breathing through a layer of sweat. Question after question erupted in her head threatening to split her mind into two. It had been so long since she had thought of that word.
"Mother…"
~~~
From the Annuls of Circe
The Year of the Three Moons
He is more powerful than I could ever have imagined. Every move he makes, every word his transfigured mind strains to conceive throbs with brilliance. I can feel it in my very being! What miracle of the fates could have led me to him, I know not of, but nonetheless it is my blessing to have finally found the Ultimate One.
If only he would cast off what mask of humility he hides behind. This small form cannot be what I feel in my breast he can become. Every day without ceasing, every time I bid him to my will, he states without emotion that he is the weakest among creatures. What will it take to awaken him?
~~~
"You done with those papers yet, little man?" Cyborg said squinting against the moonlight. Robin sat at the opposite end of the bench, the other Titans wedged between them. Raven was opposite of the rest of the team, hidden behind a curtain of darkness.
"I'm getting there," Robin said scribbling furiously. "Who ever heard of 'Eraser-Man' anyway?" Having had their peaceful night disrupted, the Titans had recently defeated another meddling villain with an efficiency that would have made any police force jealous. This evil-doer had been an unimpressive sight, drawing his powers from a seemingly useless rubber appendage that sat on top of his head. In fact, most of the recent villains were just as disappointing. The ruffian had left the Titans with nothing more than a trail of paperwork and a few rubber burns. Now they were forced to wait at the jail again to see another useless villain locked behind bars.
"I can't believe you made me quit Parrappa the Rappa for this!" Beastboy whined. He sat crammed between Starfire and Cyborg nursing an elbow studded with what looked like blackened pieces of eraser. They were growing impatient, for the night had been long. The light from the full moon seemed to drain energy from the room as it highlighted the sunken eyes of the Titans. It detailed every scratch, every wrinkle of their faces adding to their exhaustion. A sudden crash awoke them from a daydream, and they looked to see a slumbering jail guard sprawled across the floor.
"Okay, this is ridiculous!" Cyborg said folding his arms across his chest. Robin looked into the eyes of each of his team members.
"You all can go ahead and get back to the Tower, I'll finish up." The others looked at him in disbelief. "Seriously, I'll meet up with you later."
"Are you sure Robin?" Starfire chimed with the remnants of joy that hadn't been stolen by exhaustion. "It is a strange night. Perhaps you could be attacked by more of this rubber!" Beastboy rolled his eyes at her naiveté.
"I'll be alright, Star. The only thing I have to worry about is that guy behind the little window."
"Fine with me!" Beastboy proclaimed getting up and strolling towards the exit. The rest, too tired to speak, followed through the door and out into the moonlit night. Robin remained on the bench filling in a countless number of blanks. These forms just seemed to get longer with every villain they dragged into prison.
"Why do they always make justice complicated," Robin said. He chanced a look upward from his pen and paper, his eyes resting upon a familiar cloaked figure. "Raven? Why didn't you go with the others…?"
"I feel no desire to enter into that night right now." Her words hung dead in the air and an awkward silence settled into the now vacant room. Robin looked deep into her eyes seeing the reflection of the moon dancing across them. He followed her gaze to look at the glowing orb.
"Sure is incredible…" Robin murmured attempting to stir up the thickening air. Raven, however, gave no response. She had been becoming increasingly more distant to him, Robin thought. He recalled her actions in the recent battle thinking of what a passive role she had played. She hurled maybe a few objects at the alleged "Eraser-man," but that was it. She had played no vital role in the conflict
Robin slowly rose from the vacant bench and turned in the clipboard of legal jargon. To his dismay, the attendant only gave the mass of written information a solitary stamp and threw it into a stack piled high with more useless information. He then turned to see Raven still staring intently out the window at the moon. What he would have given to be able to step through the shadows around her and discover what plagued her mind.
Having gathered her cloak about herself, she accompanied Robin to the door and they stepped out into the night. What they immediately felt was a rush of cold, something that wasn't all together unexpected. But this cold was not the crisp, invigorating chill of past nights. Rather, it was desolate, leaving them feeling empty. Autumn had long crept into the air of the city, but this was different.
The pair walked down the street in silence. Robin realized his foolish choice of dispatching the Titans beforehand, for now they were left with a rather long walk since the other three had taken the car. They were at the mercy of the moonlight.
"You want to talk?" Robin asked hopefully.
"You may talk all you want," Raven responded cruelly emphasizing the first word. What was she hiding within that unfathomable mind of hers? What could possibly cause raven to hold back in battle, Robin wondered.
"I mean, it's just that you've been acting very…detached," Robin mumbled. Raven looked dead into his eyes sending a shiver down his back. "Well…you've always been detached. This is just different." Raven's gaze returned to lock dead center on the concrete before her. "Anything you want to tell me about?"
Robin wasn't even sure he had heard it, but he was almost certain Raven uttered a curt "No" under her breath. And so they continued to travel along in silence tailed by long shadows cast from the moon. This was going to be a long walk.
~~~
"Mommy," squeaked a small voice. She spun circles across the floor chasing invisible foes.
"Yes, little Raven," cooed her mother. She sat in the pure warmth of the day. Could things really be this peaceful?
"Tell me why you can't walk," said the child seeming to pay little attention to the one she questioned. Her mother furrowed her brow for the question added a sour note to the air even though it came forth from innocence. She had asked that question so many times.
"Come here, little Raven," she said holding her arms wide. The child sprinted from her ceaseless play and enfolded into her mother. "People are dangerous, little one. You must trust no one but yourself. Will you promise me that you will trust only yourself?"
"Yes, mommy," the child said through a half giggle. She broke her embrace and ran off through the grass to reengage the shadows.
"Trust yourself, Raven…"
~~~
Robin was worried. Raven had been spending days in her room without once showing her face to the rest of them. It was natural for her to be reclusive, but not to this degree. On top of that, twice he had passed her refuge only to here breaking glass or the thump of thrown objects. Starfire had also noticed that Raven had not been around much, for she continually egged on Robin to look and "see if she is weeping."
Finally, after he had heard an unusually loud crash from her room, he decided that something must be done. He was, after all, their leader, and social crisis such as these were his duty to resolve. He strode down the corridor feigning courage knowing that a confrontation with Raven could leave him in a very painful predicament. Nonetheless, someone had to talk to her.
"This is it," Robin said, hand poised over the doorknob. Just as he closed his fingers tight over the cold metal, he heard Cyborg's voice boom down the hallway.
"Hey! Robin! We got a problem!" He heaved a sigh of relief.
"I'm coming," he said leaving the room to hang in shadows for a little longer. Raven would have to wait.
~~~
A Poem for the Lost
Oh moon, how you hang
Suspended by the strands you hate,
The sharp coils of self-reliance.
Oh moon, do you not understand?
You are not doomed to circle alone,
You are not bound to forever watch from the empty air.
Oh moon, but that is all you know.
The only light you have ever cared to see
Is the light that you reflect.
~~~~
Raven tossed another heavily bound book into the pile on her bead that had been growing steadily. She flipped through another ancient tome quickly, an expression of sheer frustration plastered on her face. The heap of books and accounts that were continuing to grow gave her a feeling of helplessness. She had been ceaselessly searching for any signs that would shed light on the questions and feelings that haunted the pits of her mind. She had been spending days inside her room dwelling on that emotional drug, but its effects were beginning to take their toll, for Raven was loosing control. She had already cracked her wall in several places and knocked down her door twice due to an emotional overreaction.
But even outside of meditation that presence plagued her, calling her back. It was growing more powerful every minute it seemed, preying on the corners of her mind. How hard she had to fight to not embrace it, for at every turn this feeling pointed towards one thing, one presence—her mother. These feelings seemed to drag with it all the sorrow and life that she had left behind in her own steps in flight. All Raven wanted to do was to reach out and grasp a hold of this maternal emotion and clutch it close to herself, but she no longer could. It would prove fatal to everyone and everything around her as unbridled emotion exploded in a convulsion of telekinetic power.
Raven forcefully slammed another book closed in frustration. There were no answers there, she knew it, but she had to try. Holding onto her lasts strands of hope, she opened the door to her room and walked out into the hallway she hadn't seen for days. She just needed to clear her mind, that's all. And a strong mug of herbal tea would do just that.
She walked into the living room/kitchen hybrid to find it beautifully and completely silent. Just the sound of tea pouring into her mug began to give her strength again. She slowly brought the refreshing liquid to her lips preparing for its fulfillment.
"Hey!" said a voice that undulated in pride and ignorance. The surprise of the greeting caused the mug in Raven's hand to suddenly explode in a flash of telekinesis leaving the contents sprayed over her and her attacker. Beastboy hurried to wipe the scalding liquid off of his face, "Nice to see you too!" he exclaimed grimacing slightly. "Whatever happened to drinking your tea?"
"I apologize," Raven said embarrassed. She walked over to find a replacement mug. So much for peace.
"No sweat," the changeling responded. "How was your romantic moonlit walk the other night?" he asked hoping to lighten the atmosphere.
The cabinet door Raven had her hand on suddenly shattered noisily. She struggled to recompose herself.
"You okay?" Beastboy asked while grabbing a box of Tofu-O's cereal. Raven decided to forget the mug and drank straight from the thermostat that was on the stove.
"I'm fine," she said in mid gulp. Beastboy stopped eating and looked at the very strange scene before him. His shadowy female partner stood in the middle of the kitchen, hair matted, hood carelessly thrown off gulping tea from an oversized thermostat. He began to laugh which only in turn caused the thermostat to also explode.
The last few nights were causing Raven to loose control of everything.
"Looks like the fourth of July came early," he said through overt laughter. Boom went the cereal box. But there was something in Ravens gaze as she sat down at the table that caused Beastboy to second guess the humor of the moment. In her eyes wasn't the usual stern emotionless stare. Rather she looked rather miserable.
Beastboy transformed himself into a green squirrel and perched on Raven's shoulder. "Hey, something's eating you. Why don't you tell BB all about it." Raven just looked confused.
"What exactly do squirrels have to do with sympathy?"
"I…uh…" he stuttered returning to normal. He turned towards the kitchen to see several hanging knives begin to bend and twist. "Seriously! My good looks don't hurt that much do they?" All he got from her was silence. "Okay, so I'm sorry about the Robin comment. It's obvious you can't hold back your love for him, though I've seen better ways to relieve stress than blowin' stuff up," he uttered sarcastically. Raven stared hard back at him.
Beastboy transformed himself this time into a large gerbil, still not an accurate representation of a cuddly animal. "C'mon, talk to me. I can hook you up on a date or something if you want." Raven forced back a smile. His kindness seemed to bring her loosed emotions back into their rightful place. Slowly, a peace settled around her and objects ceased to spontaneously explode. But she hated gerbils.
So she threw him out the window.
Beastboy recovered in time to see Robin yelling at them both and calling them into the conference room. In stride of the fearless leader, his shadowy companion swooped out of the room, a restored mug of tea held safely in her hands.
"Same old Raven…"
~~~
The five Titans were gathered around a large computer screen. In fact, many wondered why the screen was so huge in the first place. It wasn't the fact that no one could see it, for they stood merely inches from it.
"Alright, Titans," Robin said very authoritatively. "Cyborg picked up something very strange on a routine scan of the city." He turned around to see the hand of Beastboy raised in the air. "What is it?" His voice rang with frustration.
"Uh…I was just wondering. Why is the screen so big? My eyes are starting to hurt." He looked from one Titan to another a bit confused.
"Because bigger is better!" Cyborg exclaimed while flexing his muscles. The room filled with an awkward silence as everyone contemplated Cyborg's deep answer. Raven sipped her tea noisily in irritation.
"Right…anyway, we picked up this strange energy signal gathering in the subway. It wouldn't normally bother me, but this sign is very similar to that of Thunder and Lightning. Slade could try and capitalize on something like this again."
On the mention of the word "energy," Raven choked on a half-swallowed gulp of tea. Seconds later, the Titans saw her quickly exit the room in a fluster. They heard a loud "pop" followed by the sounds of shards from a coffee mug clattering on the ground.
"That was a little…strange," Starfire said looking after her comrade with a worried gaze.
~~~
"She is calling for you again." Drops fell from the sky and shattered over the emptiness causing the space around them to resonate with broken dreams.
"She is calling, will you not listen?" The voices wrapped through the nebulous space, the voices they heard day in and day out. They cried for a million things, for peace, for pleasure, for pride, for death…
"She cannot open the door, I will not go." The answer came in a surge of emotions. They were memories, painful painful memories.
"She may not be able to open the door, but it will be opened nonetheless."
He cringed at these words, for he knew them to be true.
~~~
"This is it," Raven murmured under her breath. The door slammed behind her in a furry. "I've had enough." She tossed books, scrolls, and accounts of her bead to clear the item that she sought the most—her mirror. "I will not loose control."
The handle was cold in her grip. Knuckles shining white, she clenched it hard in her grasp. It was her last strand of hope, but something held her back. Fear, it seemed, would not let go so easily. But she had little choice. She focused what remnants of thoughts she had left and stared deeply into the mirror
Azarath.
The word hit her mind like a bullet. It shattered through the images in her consciousness, through her memories, through her thoughts. But reality fought hard to hold on. The light of day firmly grasped the corners of her vision. "I have no other choice…"
Metrion.
She was getting closer. She could feel that foreign presence like a thorn in her flesh, spilling blood to pollute the pure feelings she had strived so hard to obtain. It broke through a wall she had been building ever since she could make a coherent thought, and from it leaked the emotions that she feared the most.
Trust only yourself…
Zinthos
The final word had been said; the final emotion had been felt. She would end it here and now. Her mind plunged through darkness like a drop, a lonely drop spiraling through emptiness. There it was! That thought that had been seducing her since that night, since that moon. She reached through the darkness and struggled to pursue it.
Raven…why do you follow me?
It was moving deeper into her, deeper into her mind. It sounded so much like her mother. The voices had the same rhythmic pulse that had calmed her broken heart so many years ago. She rushed passed a history that had been long forgotten, emotions that had been hidden so deep within her. The presence beckoned her farther into herself. She couldn't stop, and continued to spiral into nothing.
You know what you will find Raven…
"What will I find!?" she screamed through the shadows, but it kept sinking. Deeper and deeper she stared through that mirror. She struggled to breathe, the thoughts were suffocating her. But just when her mind seemed on the point of breaking, just when she thought she would finally hit the bottom, the presence stopped. The flashes ceased and the fog slowly cleared.
Raven…
Before her stood an enormous oaken door covered with tarnished brass fittings. It stood over forty feet tall dwarfing the cloaked figure that stood beneath its shadow. Never before had images such as these been so vivid beneath Raven's mind.
Open it, Raven!
The voices seemed to be coming from the other side of the wooden monstrosity. She slowly fitted her hand around the worn metal. Instantly, her thoughts began to scatter. Something else was speaking through the darkness, other voices calling her back to the surface.
No! I will not lose you!
The voices had lost their comforting familiarity and pierced through Raven. She felt torn between two wills, between two minds. The presence behind the door was growing stronger. It threatened to tear her apart.
Call for me, Raven! Open the door!
They had to be her mother, they had to be. There was no way she had spent so much time searching through her thoughts for nothing. This must be the culmination, the climax, the final steps in a journey she was so tired of.
"Mother!"
The words were torn from her lips. She tightened her grip on knocker and struggled against the weight of the portal. Daylight had not given up, for she felt the darkness around her surge in disapproval. She fought against both powers.
ZINTHOS!
In a rush of emotion she had never known, Raven heaved with all her strength. At that very moment everything happened. She thought she had felt the door crack open, but as soon as that seal had been breached, every thought and emotion erupted in a furry.
And she was lost in the darkness…