Kareshi Kanojo No Jijou - But I Stood In The Background
A KareKano Fanfiction
By Cheshire Grin
Disclaimer: [If I happened to be lucky enough to actually own KKNJ, I would be rich and have a pet monkey. But I have a distinct lack of monkeys; hence I own no part of KKNJ or any other cartoon for that matter, not even Pokemon.]
Authors Note Part 1: I would like to thank the people who have given me reviews and feedback. It's so nice to have people who like my story! So "THANKS GUYS!!!!!!!" (^_^)
Chapter 4: 'At the calm of it all.' or 'Their shepherd never found'
I never thought I'd be taking out this diary again. I thought I'd finished with my self-pity last time. Sigh. I guess it came back.
It ALWAYS comes back.
So here I go again, writing down more of the things that I could never tell anyone. I suppose I could tell some people, close friends and the like but.. they'd never believe me. Anyways, I don't really have that many close friends. That's the problem with being carefree most of the time. Nobody believes you could be anything else.
I wonder why. Is it because others aren't perceptive enough or is it because my smile is too good. Maybe it's both, I don't know. But then if I did I wouldn't have to write about it now would I?
How's this for a title? "The comprehensive guide to Asaba Hideaki" written and directed by yours truly.
Not very catchy, huh?
I guess I'm just no good at this kind of analyzing heads thing. I can't even figure out my own. That's Miyazawa's forte. When she's not out terrifying the student populace, that is. What would it be like I wonder, to be able to see into your own mind like she seems to. To map and blockade all the little mental alleys that lead to dark things.
The way she somehow managed to create a credible facade of perfection from this method still eludes me. I guess I'm jealous.
No, that's wrong. I KNOW I'm jealous.
I guess it must run in the family. Her youngest sister is even better at it than Miyazawa. I wonder if she knows that. I think she probably does. She's real perceptive like that.
Sometimes I think about telling her about myself. I almost have sometimes, too. I always end up glossing it over, though. No matter how much I may want to open up and let her see all the mazes inside me, something in Arima's eyes always stops me.
Sigh. It always comes back to Arima.
Miyazawa belongs to him, that's the cold fact of it all. Getting too close to her would be crossing a line that he wouldn't allow. He'd be jealous and hurt and would push me from his sights quicker than I could say "male jealousy". I'm friends with them both by his grace only. He tolerates me, not the other way around. Perhaps both Miyazawa and myself might need him but the truth of the matter is that he only needs Miyazawa.
That's the problem with us men. When there's something we like, more often than not we get possessive about it.
Miyazawa Yukino belongs to Arima Soichirou and to him only. He's never let me forget that.
I really can't blame him. She's quite a gal.
Sigh. That's true I guess but not really what stops me. I mean, for anyone else I would simply step in and take her. Hell, I'll be the first to admit that I'm a selfish bastard sometimes. I really don't care enough about other people to bother with any kind of refined social etiquette.
Stepping on people's toes happens baby, like it or not.
But Arima is different. The depths to that guy are just frightening. I have little doubt of what he would do to me if I tried to take Miyazawa away from him again. I crossed that line once and I will not do so again. I don't know the exact limits to how far he will go for her and I wouldn't be surprised if there weren't any. I don't think it would stop with him throwing me into a wall. Maybe he would even kill if he were pushed far enough.
I think he would.
But I sure as hell don't ever want to find out for sure.
So that's how the matter stands. Yukino might be able to help me figure myself out but not with Arima watching over her. And he will never leave.
Ever.
I know that now.
Maybe I could ask Kano, Yukino's sister but ... Hey! Even I have standards. I mean, Geez. She can't be more than 12 or so. Besides, Their old man is sooo weird. He'd probably kill me. Mr. Miyazawa is even scarier when he's mad than his daughter is. That's no mean feat.
Ahhh! The fathers of the world seem to universally despite me.
Still, How can I blame them? Nothing is more precious than their cute little girls. Who should know better than me, right?
So here I am telling my problems to my diary again. How miserable!
And how exhausting! Last time I wrote something in here my poor hand almost fell off at the end of it. It took almost three days to recover!
Still, I'll take a cramped hand over Arima's wrath any day.
ANY day.
* * *
Everything was just perfect when I started at my new school. I had quickly learned how to take care of my self and it wasn't that hard. Self-grooming always came like second nature to me.
I had moved away from my parents' sphere of influence and I felt freer than I ever had before. The preferences of the young female population here seemed not the slightest bit different from my previous school. In a matter of weeks I had gathered a new fan club without even seeming to try, even bigger than my last one.
Well, what can I say? There just wasn't as much competition out here. The school was smaller than what I was used to and the standards were a bit lower than the glamorous inner city I had grown up in. I didn't mind though. I wasn't after make-up or trendy hairdos. I just wanted to feel loved and there were more than enough girls who were willing to fulfill that need.
Ahh! My precious flock, my lovely little sheep! I had but to call and they would come.
Of course, it helps to be good-looking.
* * *
I had discovered my insecurity early on in life. It isn't very difficult to notice that everyone else is markedly different from yourself. Once in a fit of morbidity I looked the word up in a dictionary. The answer it gave me was disturbingly clear:
Insecurity: n. weakness; lack of self-confidence; liability; having no solidarity.
It may as well have had my picture next to it.
But having a label for that part of myself didn't change anything. I wasn't about to go running off to the nearest psychologist and start whining about how the world was so mean and stuff. Like that would help! I just did what I always do when I run up against something that might present a problem. Accept it and find a way around.
Doesn't that make perfect sense? Sure it does. That's just the way I am. Calm. That's as good a word as any I guess. It's what I strive for. Getting hyped up and angry over stuff is always too tiring. I'm a firm believer in peace. That's what it's about, baby. Be cool, use the force, and stuff like that. Find your center and keep calm. Why go around beating life for offensiveness? Just accept it and live with it.
So that's what I did. I found that being loved filled the gaps. I discovered that if I plastered a smile on my face every morning, I could usually convince it to stay. Most importantly I found the value of being surrounded by other people.
I chose girls. It seemed pretty self-evident to me. They all seemed to love me and want to be around me. It felt natural. It seemed a lot nicer than hanging around with the guys. I mean; not that I'm saying men are stupid or anything, Kami-sama, I am one, but hanging out with other guys just wasn't comfortable. They were all into sweaty, exhausting things like sports and fighting and stuff like that. It cramped my style. I really couldn't be bothered with arm-wrestling for some weird kind of superiority. I was never any good at arm-wrestling anyway.
So I surrounded my self with a flock of pretty and admiring girls. Asaba Hideaki: Master shepherd, that's me. I was a shepherd floating in an ocean of smiling, gorgeous sheep. That was my center, the source of my calm. It was a warm wave that I floated on. Amidst my flock I never had a problem staying cool.
But like all shepherds I wanted more. I was like a pride thing. I mean, isn't that how you tell how good a shepherd is, by the size of his flock?
So I came up with the brilliant idea of "Merryland."
Ok, so maybe it wasn't that brilliant. I can make a few mistakes right? Besides, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
That last sentence alone should be officially recognized as an omen of doom.
* * *
'Asaba's Merryland.' A peaceful paradise filled with beautiful young nymphettes, a world where all the boring and painful trials in life were banished by a sea of adoration. All directed at me, of course.
There was only one problem.
I couldn't do it alone. I was good, you see but not that good. This was no little production baby, Oh no! I wanted it on an epic scale. I wanted a huge empire, a flock that was so enormous that it blotted out all the harsh realities of life.
You see, my insecurities had a real nasty habit of growing when I was alone and finding my center became more difficult. I felt that if I could bury myself deeper and deeper in this security blanket of mine, I could block them out entirely.
Some really smart guy once said that you could move the world if you had a long enough lever. That made sense I thought. Nothing was impossible, you could even move the whole world if you wanted to. You just needed a big enough stick. And the bigger the better, right? Why shouldn't it work the same way with shepherds and their flocks?
Yet like I said, I couldn't do it alone. I needed a partner. It was a simple factor of multiplication. Now math has never been my strong point but this seemed straightforward enough. Most guys have at most about two women interested in them at one time. My present flock numbered about forty so therefore I had the attraction power of about twenty guys. Simple, huh!
Ok, so if I found another guy like me then I could drastically change the total. Combining forces always has a greater total output than two separate entities working alone. Again, a factor of multiplication. Me with my power equivalent to twenty men and another with presumably the same power multiplied together (twenty times twenty) comes to a total of FOUR HUNDRED!
The calculator proves it. A partner. That was the key. I decided to keep a look out for someone suitable.
Now, from the start of my education I had decided to keep a low profile where anything academic was concerned. I wasn't about to start kidding myself that I was a scholar. I knew what I wanted in life and school grades had little part in it. I was a social kind of guy so I kept myself from the academic circles.
That's probably why I didn't notice Arima Soichirou sooner. I just wasn't looking in the right places. However the fates decided to be kind to me one day while I was fishing around in my locker for the Groove magazine I had bought a few days before. A guy down the hall from me had dropped a letter and I spotted a big red heart stuck to the back it. That kind of letter is pretty obvious. I hid behind the open door of my locker and watched through the cracks.
"Sigh, not again!" the guy said.
Again? Seems this guy was pretty popular. I took another look at him. Yep, he was good looking alright in a clean-cut kinda way. Maybe not as beautiful as me but I could see most of my little sheep going for him. When he left, I walked over to his locker and took a quick glimpse at the nametag.
Arima Soichirou, huh?
This might be the one. I figured I'd scope him out a bit.
* * *
"That's four this week!" I muttered. Not bad. That's almost as many as I got.
I had been surreptitiously keeping a watch on Arima over the past fortnight. He was indeed a popular guy. In fact he was getting almost as many love letters in his locker as I was. My hopes soared.
Maybe, just maybe he could be the perfect partner that I'd been seeking. I followed him at a distance as he walked outside. It was the start of lunchtime and I was hopeful that he was heading off to meet one of the writers of this week's quotient of letters.
Ahh. He's heading for the Sakura grove over the river. Looks like I'm not going to be disappointed.
I settled down to eat my lunch in a likely spot opposite the trees on this side of the river. It afforded a pretty good view and sure enough I noticed a girl waiting next to one of the Cherry trees. A pretty damned good- looking girl too!
I watched silently as Arima appeared and the girl approached him. I couldn't hear anything from here but from their body language I could guess at the conversation. The girl stepped forward to greet him and after a shy glance up at his face, she lowered her head.
"Did you get my letter, Arima-kun?" I guessed.
He nodded. Looks like I was right.
The girl looked up hopefully. Arima scratched the back of his head nervously.
Then he mumbled something and the girls face fell.
Oho! He's rejected her I thought.
Arima said something else, which I guessed must have been an apology of some sort, bowed briefly to the girl and started to leave. The nameless girl raised her hand a bit and looked like she was about to say something else, but then seemed to think better of it. She slumped a bit and sat down against one of the trees as Arima walked out of view.
I leaned back on the grass and laughed. 'He's perfect.' I decided.
The next day I decided to start cultivating a friendship with Arima. Better to begin slowly I figured. No harm in being a bit cautious, right? I wanted to be 100% certain. I mean; this is my life's ambition that we're talking about here.
That's when my plans met a bit of a hurdle that I hadn't expected. This hurdle even had a name. Yukino.
* * *
Miyazawa Yukino. What can I say about her?
She's easily the strangest, most annoying girl I've ever met. Probably the scariest too. Yet there's something about her that makes you admire her. Despite her temper, stubbornness, colossal ego and a tendency to unexpectedly and instantly change moods every few minutes, she's undeniably one of the smartest people I've ever met. She's headstrong, determined and carries an aura of perfection that can leave you breathless.
Unfortunately, she's also the most vengeful person I'm ever likely to meet.
Of course I didn't know all this until much later. That's a big pity where my Merryland ideal was concerned. Back then she seemed to me to be pretty much like what she seemed to everyone else. A nice polite overachiever who was a little hung up on Arima. If I could get her out of the scene then Arima was mine.
I didn't think she'd put up much of a fight.
Boy, was I wrong.
* * *
Well, my Merryland ideal came tumbling down, just like the proverbial London Bridge. Why do great ideas always seem so stupid in hindsight?
I had known that as soon as I started to hang about with Arima on a frequent basis, I would get a reaction from his would-be Girlfriend. It happened just like I predicted. She started looking all confused and hurt. I figured that after one shot she'd crumple and go running back to the comfort of her studies or something.
So as I passed her in the hallway I stopped to give her my opinion of the famous Miyazawa Yukino. It wasn't very nice, I know but some things just have to be sacrificed. It really was a pity, I thought. She was kinda cute.
My blatant appraisal shut her up in a big way. I smirked and continued down the hall. Piece of cake.
Toward the end of the hallway I felt a prickle on the back of my neck. Yep, even from that distance I could feel her glare. I caught I quick glimpse of her face as I turned around the corner. She looked furious and really, really scary.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea!
For nearly a week she and I waged a war that is still famous today among the other students. But despite the fact that I had instigated this conflict, I found myself not ready for it. The amount of resistance she had put up was all out of proportion to her reputation at the time.
It might have kept going for quite some time, even though I was now clearly outgunned, until Arima himself decided to step in.
I was leaning against the stairwell busy congratulating myself over a particularly good shot at Miyazawa when he appeared. Well, maybe that's the wrong word. He threw me into the wall almost before I noticed him there. This was not good!
"What did you say to Miyazawa?" He glared at me, Shinsengumi style. He looked pissed off. He didn't look anything like the guy I had been ingratiating myself to over the last few weeks. I was too shocked at his sudden change to speak.
"I've known for a long time that you wanted to use me. It's not being arrogant but the number of people who wanted to use me has been countless until now."
Oh, just wonderful. He knew. Had known all along it seemed.
"However, I would never forgive anyone who dares to harm her." Arima threatened.
This was not going my way. I needed to say something.
"Seems like you care about her then." I snapped at him, forcing myself into the breach. "Can you tell me what's so great about her?"
"You already know don't you? She's the person who'll stay with me, even when I have nothing she could use."
That was it. It was over now. Yeah, I knew. He had practically slapped me in the face with the answer. Arima Soichirou was not all what he seemed, just like Miyazawa. I had been defeated from the beginning.
How typical!
You see, I had realized that there were depths to Arima that I had never expected. There was something lurking behind that perfect exterior I had been watching for weeks, something unstable and maybe a little dangerous. Whether or not he could be the partner I wanted didn't matter. The fact was that he was not going to be, and he wasn't going to put up with me trying to engineer it. He was not as perfect as he looked.
It got me thinking.
* * *
I met up with Miyazawa at the mall on the weekend. I had gleaned from her earlier that she had a date with Arima today. He hadn't shown up yet. She looked as if she had been waiting a while.
Well, I needed to make peace with both of them and now seemed like as good a time as any. I sighed inwardly. I had decided to scrap the Merryland plan and I really didn't want any continuing hostilities. I wasn't about the keep fighting a war I had already lost. I figured that I'd make with an apology and try to smooth things over with a bit of the ol' charm.
I sauntered over and said "Hi."
She exploded. I have that effect on chicks.
She ranted at me for about five minutes and then started crying. This was not good. She was drawing a crowd. Very not good. Time to do something or I'm gonna be lynched by the angry mob that had gathered. I gave her my handkerchief and my apology. When she accepted it I explained things a bit, added in another apology for good measure and after a while she calmed down and the crowd dispersed.
Whew! That was close!
Out of the academic limelight she seemed a lot more human and not so bad after all. I said as much to her. Well, if Arima had become so possessive over her then she must have some redeeming qualities. I was just beginning to realize what they were. I smile and she smiled back. Maybe we could be on friendly terms from now on?
She seemed to welcome the idea. A weird kind of comradeship seemed to appear between us. Finally things were starting to improve. Of course, that's when Arima arrived.
Oh man! I thought. This is sooo not fair! I just got out of the red zone. This could blow up in my face again pretty quickly if I wasn't careful.
Luckily for me, Arima seemed far too concerned with apologizing for his late appearance to even notice my presence. I glanced at Miyazawa. She didn't look particularly happy and I did not want to get caught in the middle of a lovers quarrel.
Maybe I could do her a favor. Besides, I still owed Arima for yesterday. I grinned. This would be fun!
Ok, time to act. Before he noticed me, I grabbed Arima and jerked him over a conveniently close railing.
"APOLOGIZE!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "Where is your dignity as a man, a gentleman? Letting a girl wait for you like this."
I had caught him completely unawares and he was helpless. It felt very satisfactory. "YOU MUST DIE FOR YOUR INDESCRETION!" I shouted, really getting into my act. "IT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN TRULY APOLOGIZE!" This was great!
As I had counted on, Miyazawa recovered from her initial shock and came to his rescue, ordering me to let him go. I did so with a show of anger. Arima sat down, out of breath.
Well, time to make a move before he realizes what just happened and thrashes me.
"Ok then, see you!" I said brightly and began to walk off. I risked a glance at Miyazawa, wondering if she knew what I had just done for her. The look in her eyes told me she did.
Well, you win some and you lose some.
* * *
Things were seemingly on a civil level again. I'm still not certain why I didn't go back to my crowd of adoring sheep. Something about Arima and Miyazawa made me want to stay. Mostly, I think it was the newly revealed side of Arima. There was something about him that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Something that made me want to get to know him better, that drew me to him. Much later I realized what it was.
He was just like my father.
* * *
Over the next few months we got to know each other better and things settled into a somewhat comfortable beat. I watched the interactions between my new friends. There were many obvious problems with their relationship and quite a few not so obvious ones, but these problems were gradually being eroded and smoothed over by mutual effort.
Arima's jealous nature became even more apparent and I found myself fading into the background of their romance. I was forced to keep a clearly defined distance from them when they were together, while Arima's eyes kept watch like a hawk. Sometimes I felt like I was fading away altogether. Yet I couldn't make myself let go.
Somewhere along the line I noticed the deep feelings that existed between them and the effect they were having. It became increasing prominent over the semester break. I discovered that I was intensely envious of Arima. I coveted those bonds, despite the fact that I didn't understand them. I had never felt anything like this before with any of the girls I had ever met. I was beginning to understand things about life that I really didn't want to.
Over time problems came and went and the Arima-Miyazawa romance thrived as if to spite it all. I felt myself getting pushed further and further into the background of it all, my role in their lives needing less and less of an appearance each day.
I tried to find my center and couldn't, even on the days when I WAS surrounded by my beautiful flock. My calm seemed to evaporate and putting on my smile in the morning became increasingly difficult.
I was falling to pieces and I couldn't stop it. With every step I was worried that I might just walk right off the earth itself. I started to hide myself away at Arima's house, trying to escape the encroaching desolation. My antics became more and more filled with a desperation that I was barely in control of.
I was losing my flock, or maybe more accurately I was running from them.
But sometimes the fates are kind to you when you least expect it. At the brink of self-destruction, running from a world that was becoming disturbingly unfamiliar, I ran into something that would eventually pull me from my despair and bring a new type of calm into my life. Something I had entirely discounted but was destined to replace my disintegrating center of calm.
Although I wouldn't realize that until sometime later.
Quite literally I ran right into Izawa Maho.
End Chaper Four
Authors Note Part 2: Well, this should mark the end of the single character POV per chapter that has existed thus far. From the next chapter onwards I will be bringing the characters closer to each other.
Have you noticed that the chapters are getting consecutively longer? I've tried to keep them at a manageable size and not include too much plot rehashing. BTW: I know the stairwell confrontation scene is from the manga but I like it so much better.
This one came to me really quickly. Writing as Asaba always does. I hope it's not too OOC. I know you are all waiting for the romance part and I promise I'll get to it soon.
Once again, thanks for your support. Keep reading and giving me your comments! (or even better, a monkey)
Thanks all for reading!
Later.
Cheshire Grin Wheresmyspoons@Yahoo.com
Stay tuned for 'Chapter 5: My heart's lonely trenches' where the characters shall meet. Coming soon. 'Hopefully!'
A KareKano Fanfiction
By Cheshire Grin
Disclaimer: [If I happened to be lucky enough to actually own KKNJ, I would be rich and have a pet monkey. But I have a distinct lack of monkeys; hence I own no part of KKNJ or any other cartoon for that matter, not even Pokemon.]
Authors Note Part 1: I would like to thank the people who have given me reviews and feedback. It's so nice to have people who like my story! So "THANKS GUYS!!!!!!!" (^_^)
Chapter 4: 'At the calm of it all.' or 'Their shepherd never found'
I never thought I'd be taking out this diary again. I thought I'd finished with my self-pity last time. Sigh. I guess it came back.
It ALWAYS comes back.
So here I go again, writing down more of the things that I could never tell anyone. I suppose I could tell some people, close friends and the like but.. they'd never believe me. Anyways, I don't really have that many close friends. That's the problem with being carefree most of the time. Nobody believes you could be anything else.
I wonder why. Is it because others aren't perceptive enough or is it because my smile is too good. Maybe it's both, I don't know. But then if I did I wouldn't have to write about it now would I?
How's this for a title? "The comprehensive guide to Asaba Hideaki" written and directed by yours truly.
Not very catchy, huh?
I guess I'm just no good at this kind of analyzing heads thing. I can't even figure out my own. That's Miyazawa's forte. When she's not out terrifying the student populace, that is. What would it be like I wonder, to be able to see into your own mind like she seems to. To map and blockade all the little mental alleys that lead to dark things.
The way she somehow managed to create a credible facade of perfection from this method still eludes me. I guess I'm jealous.
No, that's wrong. I KNOW I'm jealous.
I guess it must run in the family. Her youngest sister is even better at it than Miyazawa. I wonder if she knows that. I think she probably does. She's real perceptive like that.
Sometimes I think about telling her about myself. I almost have sometimes, too. I always end up glossing it over, though. No matter how much I may want to open up and let her see all the mazes inside me, something in Arima's eyes always stops me.
Sigh. It always comes back to Arima.
Miyazawa belongs to him, that's the cold fact of it all. Getting too close to her would be crossing a line that he wouldn't allow. He'd be jealous and hurt and would push me from his sights quicker than I could say "male jealousy". I'm friends with them both by his grace only. He tolerates me, not the other way around. Perhaps both Miyazawa and myself might need him but the truth of the matter is that he only needs Miyazawa.
That's the problem with us men. When there's something we like, more often than not we get possessive about it.
Miyazawa Yukino belongs to Arima Soichirou and to him only. He's never let me forget that.
I really can't blame him. She's quite a gal.
Sigh. That's true I guess but not really what stops me. I mean, for anyone else I would simply step in and take her. Hell, I'll be the first to admit that I'm a selfish bastard sometimes. I really don't care enough about other people to bother with any kind of refined social etiquette.
Stepping on people's toes happens baby, like it or not.
But Arima is different. The depths to that guy are just frightening. I have little doubt of what he would do to me if I tried to take Miyazawa away from him again. I crossed that line once and I will not do so again. I don't know the exact limits to how far he will go for her and I wouldn't be surprised if there weren't any. I don't think it would stop with him throwing me into a wall. Maybe he would even kill if he were pushed far enough.
I think he would.
But I sure as hell don't ever want to find out for sure.
So that's how the matter stands. Yukino might be able to help me figure myself out but not with Arima watching over her. And he will never leave.
Ever.
I know that now.
Maybe I could ask Kano, Yukino's sister but ... Hey! Even I have standards. I mean, Geez. She can't be more than 12 or so. Besides, Their old man is sooo weird. He'd probably kill me. Mr. Miyazawa is even scarier when he's mad than his daughter is. That's no mean feat.
Ahhh! The fathers of the world seem to universally despite me.
Still, How can I blame them? Nothing is more precious than their cute little girls. Who should know better than me, right?
So here I am telling my problems to my diary again. How miserable!
And how exhausting! Last time I wrote something in here my poor hand almost fell off at the end of it. It took almost three days to recover!
Still, I'll take a cramped hand over Arima's wrath any day.
ANY day.
* * *
Everything was just perfect when I started at my new school. I had quickly learned how to take care of my self and it wasn't that hard. Self-grooming always came like second nature to me.
I had moved away from my parents' sphere of influence and I felt freer than I ever had before. The preferences of the young female population here seemed not the slightest bit different from my previous school. In a matter of weeks I had gathered a new fan club without even seeming to try, even bigger than my last one.
Well, what can I say? There just wasn't as much competition out here. The school was smaller than what I was used to and the standards were a bit lower than the glamorous inner city I had grown up in. I didn't mind though. I wasn't after make-up or trendy hairdos. I just wanted to feel loved and there were more than enough girls who were willing to fulfill that need.
Ahh! My precious flock, my lovely little sheep! I had but to call and they would come.
Of course, it helps to be good-looking.
* * *
I had discovered my insecurity early on in life. It isn't very difficult to notice that everyone else is markedly different from yourself. Once in a fit of morbidity I looked the word up in a dictionary. The answer it gave me was disturbingly clear:
Insecurity: n. weakness; lack of self-confidence; liability; having no solidarity.
It may as well have had my picture next to it.
But having a label for that part of myself didn't change anything. I wasn't about to go running off to the nearest psychologist and start whining about how the world was so mean and stuff. Like that would help! I just did what I always do when I run up against something that might present a problem. Accept it and find a way around.
Doesn't that make perfect sense? Sure it does. That's just the way I am. Calm. That's as good a word as any I guess. It's what I strive for. Getting hyped up and angry over stuff is always too tiring. I'm a firm believer in peace. That's what it's about, baby. Be cool, use the force, and stuff like that. Find your center and keep calm. Why go around beating life for offensiveness? Just accept it and live with it.
So that's what I did. I found that being loved filled the gaps. I discovered that if I plastered a smile on my face every morning, I could usually convince it to stay. Most importantly I found the value of being surrounded by other people.
I chose girls. It seemed pretty self-evident to me. They all seemed to love me and want to be around me. It felt natural. It seemed a lot nicer than hanging around with the guys. I mean; not that I'm saying men are stupid or anything, Kami-sama, I am one, but hanging out with other guys just wasn't comfortable. They were all into sweaty, exhausting things like sports and fighting and stuff like that. It cramped my style. I really couldn't be bothered with arm-wrestling for some weird kind of superiority. I was never any good at arm-wrestling anyway.
So I surrounded my self with a flock of pretty and admiring girls. Asaba Hideaki: Master shepherd, that's me. I was a shepherd floating in an ocean of smiling, gorgeous sheep. That was my center, the source of my calm. It was a warm wave that I floated on. Amidst my flock I never had a problem staying cool.
But like all shepherds I wanted more. I was like a pride thing. I mean, isn't that how you tell how good a shepherd is, by the size of his flock?
So I came up with the brilliant idea of "Merryland."
Ok, so maybe it wasn't that brilliant. I can make a few mistakes right? Besides, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
That last sentence alone should be officially recognized as an omen of doom.
* * *
'Asaba's Merryland.' A peaceful paradise filled with beautiful young nymphettes, a world where all the boring and painful trials in life were banished by a sea of adoration. All directed at me, of course.
There was only one problem.
I couldn't do it alone. I was good, you see but not that good. This was no little production baby, Oh no! I wanted it on an epic scale. I wanted a huge empire, a flock that was so enormous that it blotted out all the harsh realities of life.
You see, my insecurities had a real nasty habit of growing when I was alone and finding my center became more difficult. I felt that if I could bury myself deeper and deeper in this security blanket of mine, I could block them out entirely.
Some really smart guy once said that you could move the world if you had a long enough lever. That made sense I thought. Nothing was impossible, you could even move the whole world if you wanted to. You just needed a big enough stick. And the bigger the better, right? Why shouldn't it work the same way with shepherds and their flocks?
Yet like I said, I couldn't do it alone. I needed a partner. It was a simple factor of multiplication. Now math has never been my strong point but this seemed straightforward enough. Most guys have at most about two women interested in them at one time. My present flock numbered about forty so therefore I had the attraction power of about twenty guys. Simple, huh!
Ok, so if I found another guy like me then I could drastically change the total. Combining forces always has a greater total output than two separate entities working alone. Again, a factor of multiplication. Me with my power equivalent to twenty men and another with presumably the same power multiplied together (twenty times twenty) comes to a total of FOUR HUNDRED!
The calculator proves it. A partner. That was the key. I decided to keep a look out for someone suitable.
Now, from the start of my education I had decided to keep a low profile where anything academic was concerned. I wasn't about to start kidding myself that I was a scholar. I knew what I wanted in life and school grades had little part in it. I was a social kind of guy so I kept myself from the academic circles.
That's probably why I didn't notice Arima Soichirou sooner. I just wasn't looking in the right places. However the fates decided to be kind to me one day while I was fishing around in my locker for the Groove magazine I had bought a few days before. A guy down the hall from me had dropped a letter and I spotted a big red heart stuck to the back it. That kind of letter is pretty obvious. I hid behind the open door of my locker and watched through the cracks.
"Sigh, not again!" the guy said.
Again? Seems this guy was pretty popular. I took another look at him. Yep, he was good looking alright in a clean-cut kinda way. Maybe not as beautiful as me but I could see most of my little sheep going for him. When he left, I walked over to his locker and took a quick glimpse at the nametag.
Arima Soichirou, huh?
This might be the one. I figured I'd scope him out a bit.
* * *
"That's four this week!" I muttered. Not bad. That's almost as many as I got.
I had been surreptitiously keeping a watch on Arima over the past fortnight. He was indeed a popular guy. In fact he was getting almost as many love letters in his locker as I was. My hopes soared.
Maybe, just maybe he could be the perfect partner that I'd been seeking. I followed him at a distance as he walked outside. It was the start of lunchtime and I was hopeful that he was heading off to meet one of the writers of this week's quotient of letters.
Ahh. He's heading for the Sakura grove over the river. Looks like I'm not going to be disappointed.
I settled down to eat my lunch in a likely spot opposite the trees on this side of the river. It afforded a pretty good view and sure enough I noticed a girl waiting next to one of the Cherry trees. A pretty damned good- looking girl too!
I watched silently as Arima appeared and the girl approached him. I couldn't hear anything from here but from their body language I could guess at the conversation. The girl stepped forward to greet him and after a shy glance up at his face, she lowered her head.
"Did you get my letter, Arima-kun?" I guessed.
He nodded. Looks like I was right.
The girl looked up hopefully. Arima scratched the back of his head nervously.
Then he mumbled something and the girls face fell.
Oho! He's rejected her I thought.
Arima said something else, which I guessed must have been an apology of some sort, bowed briefly to the girl and started to leave. The nameless girl raised her hand a bit and looked like she was about to say something else, but then seemed to think better of it. She slumped a bit and sat down against one of the trees as Arima walked out of view.
I leaned back on the grass and laughed. 'He's perfect.' I decided.
The next day I decided to start cultivating a friendship with Arima. Better to begin slowly I figured. No harm in being a bit cautious, right? I wanted to be 100% certain. I mean; this is my life's ambition that we're talking about here.
That's when my plans met a bit of a hurdle that I hadn't expected. This hurdle even had a name. Yukino.
* * *
Miyazawa Yukino. What can I say about her?
She's easily the strangest, most annoying girl I've ever met. Probably the scariest too. Yet there's something about her that makes you admire her. Despite her temper, stubbornness, colossal ego and a tendency to unexpectedly and instantly change moods every few minutes, she's undeniably one of the smartest people I've ever met. She's headstrong, determined and carries an aura of perfection that can leave you breathless.
Unfortunately, she's also the most vengeful person I'm ever likely to meet.
Of course I didn't know all this until much later. That's a big pity where my Merryland ideal was concerned. Back then she seemed to me to be pretty much like what she seemed to everyone else. A nice polite overachiever who was a little hung up on Arima. If I could get her out of the scene then Arima was mine.
I didn't think she'd put up much of a fight.
Boy, was I wrong.
* * *
Well, my Merryland ideal came tumbling down, just like the proverbial London Bridge. Why do great ideas always seem so stupid in hindsight?
I had known that as soon as I started to hang about with Arima on a frequent basis, I would get a reaction from his would-be Girlfriend. It happened just like I predicted. She started looking all confused and hurt. I figured that after one shot she'd crumple and go running back to the comfort of her studies or something.
So as I passed her in the hallway I stopped to give her my opinion of the famous Miyazawa Yukino. It wasn't very nice, I know but some things just have to be sacrificed. It really was a pity, I thought. She was kinda cute.
My blatant appraisal shut her up in a big way. I smirked and continued down the hall. Piece of cake.
Toward the end of the hallway I felt a prickle on the back of my neck. Yep, even from that distance I could feel her glare. I caught I quick glimpse of her face as I turned around the corner. She looked furious and really, really scary.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea!
For nearly a week she and I waged a war that is still famous today among the other students. But despite the fact that I had instigated this conflict, I found myself not ready for it. The amount of resistance she had put up was all out of proportion to her reputation at the time.
It might have kept going for quite some time, even though I was now clearly outgunned, until Arima himself decided to step in.
I was leaning against the stairwell busy congratulating myself over a particularly good shot at Miyazawa when he appeared. Well, maybe that's the wrong word. He threw me into the wall almost before I noticed him there. This was not good!
"What did you say to Miyazawa?" He glared at me, Shinsengumi style. He looked pissed off. He didn't look anything like the guy I had been ingratiating myself to over the last few weeks. I was too shocked at his sudden change to speak.
"I've known for a long time that you wanted to use me. It's not being arrogant but the number of people who wanted to use me has been countless until now."
Oh, just wonderful. He knew. Had known all along it seemed.
"However, I would never forgive anyone who dares to harm her." Arima threatened.
This was not going my way. I needed to say something.
"Seems like you care about her then." I snapped at him, forcing myself into the breach. "Can you tell me what's so great about her?"
"You already know don't you? She's the person who'll stay with me, even when I have nothing she could use."
That was it. It was over now. Yeah, I knew. He had practically slapped me in the face with the answer. Arima Soichirou was not all what he seemed, just like Miyazawa. I had been defeated from the beginning.
How typical!
You see, I had realized that there were depths to Arima that I had never expected. There was something lurking behind that perfect exterior I had been watching for weeks, something unstable and maybe a little dangerous. Whether or not he could be the partner I wanted didn't matter. The fact was that he was not going to be, and he wasn't going to put up with me trying to engineer it. He was not as perfect as he looked.
It got me thinking.
* * *
I met up with Miyazawa at the mall on the weekend. I had gleaned from her earlier that she had a date with Arima today. He hadn't shown up yet. She looked as if she had been waiting a while.
Well, I needed to make peace with both of them and now seemed like as good a time as any. I sighed inwardly. I had decided to scrap the Merryland plan and I really didn't want any continuing hostilities. I wasn't about the keep fighting a war I had already lost. I figured that I'd make with an apology and try to smooth things over with a bit of the ol' charm.
I sauntered over and said "Hi."
She exploded. I have that effect on chicks.
She ranted at me for about five minutes and then started crying. This was not good. She was drawing a crowd. Very not good. Time to do something or I'm gonna be lynched by the angry mob that had gathered. I gave her my handkerchief and my apology. When she accepted it I explained things a bit, added in another apology for good measure and after a while she calmed down and the crowd dispersed.
Whew! That was close!
Out of the academic limelight she seemed a lot more human and not so bad after all. I said as much to her. Well, if Arima had become so possessive over her then she must have some redeeming qualities. I was just beginning to realize what they were. I smile and she smiled back. Maybe we could be on friendly terms from now on?
She seemed to welcome the idea. A weird kind of comradeship seemed to appear between us. Finally things were starting to improve. Of course, that's when Arima arrived.
Oh man! I thought. This is sooo not fair! I just got out of the red zone. This could blow up in my face again pretty quickly if I wasn't careful.
Luckily for me, Arima seemed far too concerned with apologizing for his late appearance to even notice my presence. I glanced at Miyazawa. She didn't look particularly happy and I did not want to get caught in the middle of a lovers quarrel.
Maybe I could do her a favor. Besides, I still owed Arima for yesterday. I grinned. This would be fun!
Ok, time to act. Before he noticed me, I grabbed Arima and jerked him over a conveniently close railing.
"APOLOGIZE!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "Where is your dignity as a man, a gentleman? Letting a girl wait for you like this."
I had caught him completely unawares and he was helpless. It felt very satisfactory. "YOU MUST DIE FOR YOUR INDESCRETION!" I shouted, really getting into my act. "IT IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN TRULY APOLOGIZE!" This was great!
As I had counted on, Miyazawa recovered from her initial shock and came to his rescue, ordering me to let him go. I did so with a show of anger. Arima sat down, out of breath.
Well, time to make a move before he realizes what just happened and thrashes me.
"Ok then, see you!" I said brightly and began to walk off. I risked a glance at Miyazawa, wondering if she knew what I had just done for her. The look in her eyes told me she did.
Well, you win some and you lose some.
* * *
Things were seemingly on a civil level again. I'm still not certain why I didn't go back to my crowd of adoring sheep. Something about Arima and Miyazawa made me want to stay. Mostly, I think it was the newly revealed side of Arima. There was something about him that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Something that made me want to get to know him better, that drew me to him. Much later I realized what it was.
He was just like my father.
* * *
Over the next few months we got to know each other better and things settled into a somewhat comfortable beat. I watched the interactions between my new friends. There were many obvious problems with their relationship and quite a few not so obvious ones, but these problems were gradually being eroded and smoothed over by mutual effort.
Arima's jealous nature became even more apparent and I found myself fading into the background of their romance. I was forced to keep a clearly defined distance from them when they were together, while Arima's eyes kept watch like a hawk. Sometimes I felt like I was fading away altogether. Yet I couldn't make myself let go.
Somewhere along the line I noticed the deep feelings that existed between them and the effect they were having. It became increasing prominent over the semester break. I discovered that I was intensely envious of Arima. I coveted those bonds, despite the fact that I didn't understand them. I had never felt anything like this before with any of the girls I had ever met. I was beginning to understand things about life that I really didn't want to.
Over time problems came and went and the Arima-Miyazawa romance thrived as if to spite it all. I felt myself getting pushed further and further into the background of it all, my role in their lives needing less and less of an appearance each day.
I tried to find my center and couldn't, even on the days when I WAS surrounded by my beautiful flock. My calm seemed to evaporate and putting on my smile in the morning became increasingly difficult.
I was falling to pieces and I couldn't stop it. With every step I was worried that I might just walk right off the earth itself. I started to hide myself away at Arima's house, trying to escape the encroaching desolation. My antics became more and more filled with a desperation that I was barely in control of.
I was losing my flock, or maybe more accurately I was running from them.
But sometimes the fates are kind to you when you least expect it. At the brink of self-destruction, running from a world that was becoming disturbingly unfamiliar, I ran into something that would eventually pull me from my despair and bring a new type of calm into my life. Something I had entirely discounted but was destined to replace my disintegrating center of calm.
Although I wouldn't realize that until sometime later.
Quite literally I ran right into Izawa Maho.
End Chaper Four
Authors Note Part 2: Well, this should mark the end of the single character POV per chapter that has existed thus far. From the next chapter onwards I will be bringing the characters closer to each other.
Have you noticed that the chapters are getting consecutively longer? I've tried to keep them at a manageable size and not include too much plot rehashing. BTW: I know the stairwell confrontation scene is from the manga but I like it so much better.
This one came to me really quickly. Writing as Asaba always does. I hope it's not too OOC. I know you are all waiting for the romance part and I promise I'll get to it soon.
Once again, thanks for your support. Keep reading and giving me your comments! (or even better, a monkey)
Thanks all for reading!
Later.
Cheshire Grin Wheresmyspoons@Yahoo.com
Stay tuned for 'Chapter 5: My heart's lonely trenches' where the characters shall meet. Coming soon. 'Hopefully!'