Kareshi Kanojo No Jijou - But I Stood In The Background
A KareKano Fanfiction
By Cheshire Grin wheresmyspoons@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: [If I happened to be lucky enough to actually own KKNJ, I would be rich and have a pet monkey. But I have a distinct lack of monkeys; hence I own no part of KKNJ or any other cartoon for that matter, not even Pokemon.]
Warning: Angsty teenage stuff. Don't read it if you've never been a teenager. Ohh! The poor, poor characters!
Author's Note: This chapter is long. The beginning deals exclusively with Maho but later on the characters do meet as promised. Don't expect too much romance. The foundations are still being built. In the later parts of this story, [square brackets] indicate Asaba's thoughts and {curly brackets} denote Maho's.
Chapter 5 - My heart's lonely trenches
Oh, how I hated her!
The coming of the New Year had brought a change in classes and witnessed the arrival of Miyazawa Yukino from class B into my class. It wasn't a welcome change.
Miyazawa Yukino. As far as I was concerned she was evil incarnate.
The problem was, you see, that she was perfect. She was beautiful, smart, polite and respected. Perfection really was the only word. She destroyed me from the start and she wasn't even aware of it.
Perfection. I don't really have anything against it. After all, I had spent years achieving what I had come to think of as academic perfection. But when someone like Miyazawa Yukino came along and completely and utterly upstaged me. Well, I didn't deal with it very well. When you're on the top, being suddenly dropped like an inferior product is devastating. I found that I wasn't quite as good as I liked to think.
It all started on the first day back at school. I remember walking into the classroom and glancing at the sheet of paper stuck to the wall near the blackboard. It was something I did every year. This particular paper contained the names of the students and their grades from the previous year in numerical order.
I gave it my usual cursory glance, knowing that I would be number one on the list, of course, but liking the reassurance of that fact anyway.
Something was wrong. I gave it a second, more detailed look.
Why was I not on the list? I must be in the wrong classroom. No, this was the right room. The office must have made a mistake.
Confused, I gave it a third and fatal examination.
I was on the list.
But I wasn't first.
It hadn't really occurred to me to look anywhere below number one. I was always number one. 'Not anymore!' a traitorous and unwelcome voice in my head stated. I stared at the paper for a long time.
"Please sit down, Izawa-san." The teacher brought me back to my senses.
I sat down feeling angry and vaguely embarrassed.
"Good morning class." The teacher continued. "I'm sure you've all seen the list of last year's results by now and you know the routine, so I'd like to ask this years class representative to step forward and introduce herself."
Standard school routine meant that the class rep was chosen as the highest scoring student from the previous year. Until now, that had always been me.
A girl with hair that was an unusual shade of red stepped forward.
"Good morning class. My name is Miyazawa Yukino." She said brightly. "I'm honored to be your class representative this year. Please feel free to ask me if you need help with anything. Thank you very much."
The girl bowed and sat down.
This was..was.. I couldn't think of the appropriate word.
A few minutes later it came to me.
Intolerable. This was intolerable.
* * *
Pretty soon Miyazawa became the word on everyone's lips. It was all I seemed to hear any more. Class gossip seemed to concentrate on her and on not much else. Miyazawa this and Miyazawa that. It became downright depressing. Eventually I stopped listening. It all boiled down to the same thing anyway: 'Miyazawa-san is so wonderful! Blah, blah, blah.'
It wasn't just that. Everyone seemed to have forgotten about me. Miyazawa superseded me in just about everything. It became a routine embarrassment. Whenever anyone in the class required advice about something, from Math to P.E. to relationships, they asked Miyazawa. And unfortunately, they had good reason to.
She could and had beaten me at everything. There seemed to be nothing that I could do that she could not do better. Whether it be sport, math, history, language or even home economics, no matter what, it would be her name that was behind the top score. Despite whatever amount of effort I poured into my studies, the result was the same. I was second best and there was nothing I could do about it.
It was depressing, degrading and embarrassing all at the same time. It was like I wasn't there. Poor old Maho had faded into the background once again.
* * *
Later in the week I talked to Chisa. I had been tutoring her for almost half a year now and had I begun to like her after a fashion and considered her to be somewhat of a friend. We had met several times over the holiday break but I hadn't really seen her much recently.
I caught up with her during lunch break. She was eating her lunch with the latest in a series of drooling, single-minded boyfriends.
"Oh, Hi Maho-Sempai." She chirruped, waving me over. She had persevered with the title, regardless of my continual protestations and the fact that we were the same age. To be truthful, I actually kind of liked it.
After the usual meaningless trivialities, I casually brought up tutoring.
"By the way Chisa, when do want to start meeting up again?" I asked. I wasn't expecting the answer she gave me.
"Oh, you don't have to worry about that." She said. "I asked Miyazawa- Sempai to tutor me this year."
Sigh. Of course. Why not? She takes my grades and my reputation; she may as well take my tutoring job as well. Great. Just great. I mean, It's not like I actually relished the idea of having to tutor Chisa. It was a pride thing. Tutoring was a responsibility that I didn't really want but, Damn it! I hated losing it to HER.
That cold, robot BITCH! How dare she!!!
Still, I had to keep up appearances.
"Oh I see. No problem then." I said. "I guess I'll see you later Chisa."
"Ok. Bye bye, Maho-san!" She called as I walked off.
Maho-san?
This sucked.
* * *
Miyazawa's popularity and influence just kept growing. I found myself watching her continually. In a dark and morbid way, she fascinated me. She was like me but better. It was like looking at a model of myself that had been refined and refined, almost until all the soul had disappeared and there was only robotic perfection left.
For me, knowing what it was like to simulate flawlessness, I couldn't help but be vaguely repulsed by Miyazawa. She gave me the creeps; there was no way around it. How could this girl be real? Imagine if I had become like that!
Suddenly, I didn't want to be me at all.
* * *
I felt myself slipping further into despair with each passing day. School was a monotony of depression and I put less and less effort into it. It didn't matter anyway. I wasn't going to be able to get my position back since there was no way I could beat Miyazawa at her own game. I think at that point I had probably given up entirely.
That changed however, when she started getting closer to Arima. I was good at watching people, you see, have always been. It comes as a byproduct of being smart, lonely and unsure in social situations. So, while no one else noticed the changes that occurred within her, I did.
When people are around a person they like, all their worries and insecurities come pouring out through the cracks in their personality. This always makes it much easier to see what and where those cracks are. When Miyazawa became enamored of Arima Soichirou, I discovered that I could see much more of what she really was under the surface. I was a mask, a façade. Underneath it all she was human. She wasn't perfect after all.
I'll always remember my first thought when I realized the truth about Miyazawa. It was: How does she manage it? I knew how heavy that mask was and hers was far more comprehensive that mine. How did she carry it?
She was just tough and stubborn I decided. It didn't matter. She was human and I knew now where the chinks in her armor were. She could be beaten. I decided to give it a try. I was long since time for me to get my own back.
But some things will always be better than you. Life is a battle that always ends in defeat. The challenge is really only about how long you can last. I don't think it's meant to be easy. Fate decrees it and somehow always knows where to throw a stone when you are the most vulnerable. Some things are just more impossible to dislodge than mountains.
I should have known that Miyazawa Yukino was one of those things.
Of course I didn't find that out until it was all over and it didn't matter anymore. Then I felt stupid. However, I don't think I could have changed the outcome even if I had known.
I once said that it is practically impossible to help stupid people.
The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe I really am stupid.
* * *
During this time, Takashi became somewhat of a fixation in my life. I hadn't been seeing him long but I had begun to rely on him more and more. The time I spent with him became an escape from my collapsing reputation at school. He was in a different world than me, he had long forgotten the worries of his school years and being with him allowed me into that world. The amount of time I could spend with him was brief however, and often eclipsed by my misery at school. Yet during those few times, I was able to feel happy for a short amount of time. I didn't realize how precious that time would soon become.
My failed standoff with Miyazawa culminated with a drastic change in my relationship with Takashi. I had convinced the girls in my class that Miyazawa was using both Arima and Asaba as a platform for her ego. I painted a vivid picture of her as a cold and calculating snob to the class, insinuating that she had ensnared the hearts of the two most popular boys for no other reason than to complement her elite appearance.
Since just about all the girls had a crush on either or both Arima and Asaba, and because Miyazawa wasn't really known well by any of them, my ploy worked perfectly. Before long every girl in the class was ignoring her.
I felt ecstatic that my plan had worked. Finally. Finally she was the one on the outside, the one for whom nothing she could do was good enough. Finally she was herself in the position she had forced me into. It was perfect.
Yet, even after all the things I had learned from her arrival into my class, I kept forgetting the single most important one.
Her version of perfect was far superior to mine.
It was all my fault really. When it comes down to it, I can't really deny that. I got careless. I took one step further than I should have and at that instant she tipped the scales. That's the problem with having a bit of power over people. You're never really sure how much you have.
The alienation of the class didn't seem to faze her much. She just went and made friends with the Class D girls. I hadn't expected that. But worse, she made friends with Tsubaki's group. That was bad. Tsubaki was both tough and mean and I was in no hurry to earn her ire. Tsubaki Sakura probably wouldn't have a problem with thrashing me if she made up her mind too. At this very moment, Miyazawa was more than likely busy trying to convince her to do just that.
I was no match for Tsubaki in a physical contest. I was losing ground and I needed to make it up quick.
That's when I came up with the brilliant idea of attacking in person. I had counted on the safety of the class. Tsubaki would be safely occupied in her own class in another building. Miyazawa wouldn't be in any position to say much with the whole class supporting me. Unlike her, I had earned their respect over a period of years.
Sigh. I keep underestimating that girl. Kami-sama I'm stupid. I forgot that wounded dogs WILL bite and I would never have even remotely suspected how much bite Miyazawa Yukino had in her. She promptly admitted to all my accusations and the calmly threw them all back at me. Before I knew it the class had seen my little manipulative game for what it was and alienated me instead.
That was the day I lost my friends. I didn't bother with trying to dredge up any excuses. They wouldn't have done me any good anyway. I told the truth. The class had practically exiled me. If they stayed around it would pass onto them.
Classroom mobs aren't pretty.
They disappeared quickly and without any fuss.
Once they had left I walked to the window and looked out.
Sigh. Reiko. Mutsumi. Akemi. They had at least been a little kind to me. They didn't deserve to be brought down too.
Still, after I saw what Miyazawa did to Tsubasa Shibahime a few days later I counted myself lucky. Thank god I didn't make her THAT angry!
* * *
When school ended that day, so did my makeshift job of accepting my fate. As I walked into my bedroom my mask slipped and everything came tumbling out.
It was over. Everything was over. As of today I had lost it all. The years of respect, the perfect reputation, my social position at school, everything. My classmates all hated me now. Even my friends had left me. Sure, I had told them that it would be in their interest to do so but that didn't make it any better.
I had been utterly defeated in every way possible. Miyazawa had pierced me to the core and I could almost feel the gaping hole that existed in my armor. For about three hours I did something that I hadn't done in three entire years.
I cried.
It didn't make me feel any better. In fact it probably only made things worse. The time and self-absorption involved in crying simply served to increase the growing loneliness I was feeling to an unbearable extent. I needed someone, anyone to be with.
I didn't have anyone left except Takashi so I went to him.
I arrived at his house at 9PM crying and feeling lost to the core. I asked him if I could stay the night. He took me in his arms and said I could.
Much later that night he undressed me and gave me as much as he could of himself without me having to ask. I was glad because otherwise I was afraid I might have begged. At that moment I needed desperately to feel needed and loved. For a brief time I found both in his arms.
So I lost myself in the pain of that first time because it was so much more bearable than the pain in my soul, and I took what little comfort I could from our union because I had no other.
* * *
I had arrived at the train station early that morning. I really didn't feel like being alone right then and even the oblivious crowds at the train station were better than my empty apartment. I had been feeling lonely and transparent lately and nothing I could do seemed to make things any better.
'The shepherd has lost his sheep.' I thought darkly. 'Or maybe he never really had any in the first place.'
Was I deluding myself all along? Did I ever really have any control over my life? Had I been gathering my flock of pretty girls or had I been cowering under them in terror, shrinking from reality as if it were a roaring lion about to eat me whole.
No not a lion, I thought. A father.
I shook my head. This was not right. Why was I thinking like this? Asaba Hideaki should not be thinking these things.
But I was. I couldn't shake myself out of it. For maybe the first time in my life, I could not find my center. Somewhere along the line my calm had simply evaporated like a puddle in the sun, and I was left feeling lost and incomplete. I felt like I was about to suddenly explode but I couldn't isolate the source of this feeling. I was restless and anxious and finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on anything.
My eyes kept jumping from the people around me to my shoes and then back again. I was getting paranoid. What were they saying? Were they talking about me? My face was burning.
Finally in desperation I half walked, half ran to the public bathroom. There I grabbed a paper towel from the dispenser, soaked it in cold water from the tap and placed it on my forehead. I stood against the dirty brick wall and wondered what had happed to the old me.
The old Asaba, where has he gone? Where was the confidence and sense of peace I had once felt? Where did it disappear to.
Did I lose it? Was it stolen? I didn't know.
Why didn't my flock give me comfort anymore? Why was I always hiding from them? Was I afraid of something?
Of them?
The answers didn't come. I was jolted out of my thoughts by a message over the loudspeaker.
"Train 227 bound for Hokuei High school arriving on platform 8. I repeat, Train 227 bound for."
Oh SHIT! My train. I bolted from the public washroom in a flurry and raced up the ramp toward the platform, barely managing to dodge members of the crowd as I flung myself past them.
A strange thought passed through my head. Why was I getting so worked up over this? It was just a train. This wasn't like me at all.
I hesitated for a brief second, which proved my undoing. I faltered and before I could stop myself I plunged headlong into a dark-haired girl walking in the same direction, knocking us into a heap on the floor and upsetting a number of other commuters.
* * *
[Oww! Oh man, now I'm in trouble.]
{What the %$^#!}
[Aww crap! It's a girl. Man, I hope she's not hurt. Better help her up.]
"I'm so sorry miss. Are you Ok? Terribly sorry. You're not hurt are you? I didn't mean.."
[My babbling stopped as looked up at me. Her eyes. They were so.. .. .. Sad. She probably thought I was a real jerk.]
{Ohhh, My head. Why am I on the floor? Memories came rushing back. A guy knocked me over. I looked up at him. He was currently still leaning over me and babbling apologies in my ear. He looked kinda familiar. A sudden rush of anger brought me back to my senses.}
"Would you get off me please!"
"Oh, right! Sorry."
[Oh shit. We were still sprawled on the floor. I hurriedly stood up and helped the girl to her feet. She glared at me. It suddenly dawned on me that I knew this girl. Uh oh! Izawa Maho. She was that tough punk from Class A. I'm dead!]
"Train 227 bound for Hokuei High school on platform 8 is about to depart. Passengers please keep.."
[Crap!! The train.]
{Asaba. I should have known. Before I could finish my thoughts I found myself caught up by him and propelled toward the train I had meant to catch. We entered in an ungraceful rush and I hurriedly disengaged myself. That..That bastard. How dare he.}
{Well, at least I won't be late. Small comfort there. Maybe I should just give up on school altogether. I just don't care anymore.}
[I leant against the door of the train as it took off, sucking in breath. Maho went and took a seat at the far end of the carriage, ignoring me. I took another deep breath and followed her.]
{Wonderful, I thought wryly. He's gonna hang around. This is the last thing I need at the moment. Another gloating presence. Asaba sat down next to me and offered a sheepish grin.}
"Sorry about that Maho-san."
"Hmmpf. No problem."
{I turned my head away from him, hoping he'd go away.}
[She was angry. My natural instincts chipped in and I started talking, trying to cheer her up a bit with a goofy smile and my usual antics.]
"So Maho-san, sorry about that rushed entry and all, but hey, after knocking you down getting you on the train is the least I can do, right? Oh, by the way did you.."
{What's with this guy? Can't he shut up? He was grinning at me cheerfully while he talked. It was vaguely irritating. Still, he seemed harmless enough, and he did keep apologizing for knocking me over.}
"..hear the latest Yinyang song. Check it out, they're playing over the loudspeaker. Maybe I should start singing? What do you think? I could bleach my hair and.."
[It didn't seem to be working. Maho was ignoring all my idle chatter and keeping her eyes fixed on the floor. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't my charm working on this girl? Had it deserted me too? I watched her absently while I babbled. She was kind of beautiful and remote. She seemed to give off an aura of disdain. I found myself admiring her and remembering all the things I had heard about her from Yukino. Izawa Maho. Tough, determined, confident. As I looked at her a rouge thought popped into my head.]
[I wish..I wish I could be like her.]
{He had stopped talking and was watching me. His eyes moved away when I looked up. All of a sudden he seemed different from the picture I had made of him in my mind. Asaba Hideaki. He was gazing out the window with a far away look. His arm rested on the window ledge and a ghost of a smile remained on his lips. I found myself admiring him. He seemed so cheerful and carefree. He looked like he didn't have a worry in the world. For a brief amount of time I was envious}
{I wish..I wish I could be like him}
{My thoughts evaporated as we neared a station. Sansuka-cho. Huh?}
{We were on the wrong train.}
* * *
We had decided after catching the wrong train that it wasn't worth making our way back. School would just have to wait for another day. I guess I must have got turned around when I crashed into Maho and pushed us onto the train departing from the opposite platform.
Well, Everything else seemed to be going wrong. At least life was consistent.
The train we were on was bound for the city so we stayed on it. Might as well make trip out of it. Maho's anger seemed to have dissipated a bit but she didn't say much. She didn't seem bothered much by missing school. I wondered if something was wrong. I hoped that she didn't hate me too much.
I figured I'd make it up to her by buying her lunch so when we got off the train I shepherded her toward a line of shops, looking for a restaurant. I had felt too distracted that morning to bother with breakfast so by now I was famished. I found a place that served Chinese and we made our way inside.
* * *
I didn't have the strength to argue with him so I let him lead me into the restaurant and buy me lunch. I had left Takashi's place early to make my way to school, not bothering with breakfast so by now I was hungrier than I had realized.
The world had slipped and I was seeing things in a decidedly unreal slant. I marveled at the surreality of it all. Asaba Hideaki was leading me around like a lost kitten and I seemed to have lost the ability to make decisions for myself. All my strength had disappeared during sometime this morning and I felt strangely incorporeal.
A series of strange thoughts were buzzing back and forth in my head like angry hornets and I could only sit and watch them helplessly.
Last night I had slept with Takashi. It was.. .. strange. I couldn't decide whether it was good or bad. Something in me had been changed by that event and I wasn't sure what it was. I wasn't even sure what I was.
Was I an adult for real now? What did that mean? Memories and experiences kept crowding back in my head and they all seemed somehow pathetic. My entire life looked like a badly written play and my responses to everything seemed stupid and immature. I felt dangerously buoyant. I felt like I might just float right off the world altogether.
I shrank away from it all. Was this what being an adult meant? Would life always be like this from now on? Would I spend the rest of it lonely and terrified of making the wrong choices again?
* * *
Maho looked distracted throughout lunch. However she must have been as famished as I was because together we got though about four dishes and several side orders.
Sigh. This was really hurting my wallet.
I tried a number of times to initiate a conversation but nothing worked until I absently started telling her about Miyazawa.
"Huh? What?" She jerked in her seat and her attention snapped back into place.
Aha! Finally, a response. "Oh, do you know her?" I asked.
"Unfortunately, yes." Came the dry reply.
"That bad huh?" Miyazawa had quite an effect on people. I gave Maho a sideways look but she didn't elaborate.
"She's not really that bad once you get to know her." I continued, inwardly cringing at how lame that sounded. "Except she does kinda hog Arima for herself."
Well, what can I say? I still remembered that photo.
"Hmmmpf. You don't seem to have any trouble keeping a little group of puppy girls for yourself. What makes you any different?" Maho remarked. She wasn't impressed.
Oww! That stung.
"Not puppies. Sheep." I corrected.
"Huh?"
"Well, it's not really like that. You see, I.."
And suddenly I found myself telling her everything. It all came out, all my problems, my insecurities, everything. She didn't comment but just sat and listened. About halfway through my little spiel I started questioning what I was doing.
Why was I telling her this? I couldn't seem to stop myself. Something about this girl was different. She didn't seem the least bit impressed by my good looks and I felt the need to justify myself in her eyes. But I wasn't even doing that, I realized. I was simply blurting out all the pain I had kept hidden for so long.
I guess I needed to tell someone and Maho with her quiet and forceful demeanor just seemed right. She wasn't going to be impressed with any of my lame excuses or influenced but the factors that distracted everyone else. Maybe..just maybe..
I think I must have hoping that she'd tell me I was wrong. That she would perhaps slap me and say how stupid I was. Maybe she would take charge like a general and point out all the things I was doing wrong, give me all the answers I needed and push me back from the edge that I was dangling from.
But she didn't.
She just sat and listened with a strange look in her eyes.
* * *
What was this? Asaba too? Was everybody hiding away under a mask? Was the world nothing but a huge masquerade ball with everyone needing to cover himself or herself with a disguise against reality?
If that was so, I wondered, how did people ever find each other?
"I..I know what you mean." I spoke before I could stop myself.
What? Why did I say that?
"Sometimes I feel like.."
What was wrong with me? Why was I telling this to him of all people? But then hadn't he just showed me that he wasn't what I thought he had been? Even so, should I confide in him? I hardly know him?
The words came out before I could decide, and in response to his openness I threw down my barriers and showed him everything. I didn't care anymore. I was past the point of being able to be hurt any more than I already was. My mind was full of so much hurt and anger that if I didn't let it go then I would be washed away.
It all came out in a flood, and I was barely conscious of what I was saying. I'm sure the restaurant staff must have been shocked but I didn't notice.
I don't know how much I told him. But it was enough. At some time while I was talking I had started crying again. I thought he would he laugh, make fun of me or even be angry. I was wrong.
Asaba Hideaki simply looked at me with a tear running down his own cheek. "You too, huh?" He said.
I collapsed crying against his shoulder and the world evaporated in a haze of relief.
I wasn't the only one.
* * *
Ever since then we had a kind of kinship. There was no big romance scene or anything. This was real life not Romeo and Juliet, but on the day I carried Izawa Maho from the restaurant and boarded a homebound train I felt that I had for the first time in my life made a real friend.
Nevertheless, as school finished and the summer holidays began, I found that she was occupying more and more of my thoughts. She had inexplicably made friends with Yukino and her gang so I saw her often during the semester break. For some reason I found myself eager to be near her.
I don't know why but from then on I always felt a great deal more relaxed when she was around.
* * *
The next day back at school I had felt lonely again. I was nervous and unsure of myself, and I felt confused about what had happened the day before. I didn't know what to think about Asaba.
Since the entire class was still ignoring me, I had taken to staring out the window during the breaks between classes.
That was when Miyazawa Yukino approached me.
At that moment I was feeling hurt, anxious and confused all at once. I lashed out before I could think better of it.
"You look like you feel sorry for me. If you dare do that I'll slap you silly!" I snapped.
She gave me a smirk.
"I do feel sorry for you."
What? How dare she!
"You were sloppy. If I had carried out that plan I would have done it perfectly." She continued with an ingratiating smile.
In a haze of anger I grabbed her cheek.
"YOU MAKE ME SO MAD!" I shouted.
But to my surprise she didn't attempt to remove my offending hand. She grinned as best she could and gave me a look that might have been hopeful.
That was when I understood. She wasn't mocking me. She was mocking herself. She had no bad feelings about me; she didn't want to hurt me. She was just sad that it had ended the way it did.
Looking at her with my hand still attached to her cheek and realizing these things, something about the whole business struck me as sublimely funny.
Before I could help it I had burst out laughing.
With a look of relief, Miyazawa Yukino followed.
In the last week of the semester, it looked as though I had made two unlikely friends.
Life really was weird.
End Chapter 5
Authors Note: Whew.. that was exhausting. Well, there you have it, folks. Another chapter finished. Don't worry. This story isn't done yet. There will still be about three more chapters I think. I'm beginning to worry about dying of exhaustion before I finish this. Some of the scenes can be sooo draining to write. Oh well, it's all for a good cause.
Well, that's all for now. I'm gonna go listen to Yume no Naka e. There's a certain genius to that song. After all the angst, you need something calm and relaxing. Why don't you go listen to it too?
As always, please let me know what you think and thanks for reading.
Stay tuned next time for Chapter six: My soul's shattered dreams.
Later.
Cheshire Grin Wheresmyspoons@yahoo.com
A KareKano Fanfiction
By Cheshire Grin wheresmyspoons@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: [If I happened to be lucky enough to actually own KKNJ, I would be rich and have a pet monkey. But I have a distinct lack of monkeys; hence I own no part of KKNJ or any other cartoon for that matter, not even Pokemon.]
Warning: Angsty teenage stuff. Don't read it if you've never been a teenager. Ohh! The poor, poor characters!
Author's Note: This chapter is long. The beginning deals exclusively with Maho but later on the characters do meet as promised. Don't expect too much romance. The foundations are still being built. In the later parts of this story, [square brackets] indicate Asaba's thoughts and {curly brackets} denote Maho's.
Chapter 5 - My heart's lonely trenches
Oh, how I hated her!
The coming of the New Year had brought a change in classes and witnessed the arrival of Miyazawa Yukino from class B into my class. It wasn't a welcome change.
Miyazawa Yukino. As far as I was concerned she was evil incarnate.
The problem was, you see, that she was perfect. She was beautiful, smart, polite and respected. Perfection really was the only word. She destroyed me from the start and she wasn't even aware of it.
Perfection. I don't really have anything against it. After all, I had spent years achieving what I had come to think of as academic perfection. But when someone like Miyazawa Yukino came along and completely and utterly upstaged me. Well, I didn't deal with it very well. When you're on the top, being suddenly dropped like an inferior product is devastating. I found that I wasn't quite as good as I liked to think.
It all started on the first day back at school. I remember walking into the classroom and glancing at the sheet of paper stuck to the wall near the blackboard. It was something I did every year. This particular paper contained the names of the students and their grades from the previous year in numerical order.
I gave it my usual cursory glance, knowing that I would be number one on the list, of course, but liking the reassurance of that fact anyway.
Something was wrong. I gave it a second, more detailed look.
Why was I not on the list? I must be in the wrong classroom. No, this was the right room. The office must have made a mistake.
Confused, I gave it a third and fatal examination.
I was on the list.
But I wasn't first.
It hadn't really occurred to me to look anywhere below number one. I was always number one. 'Not anymore!' a traitorous and unwelcome voice in my head stated. I stared at the paper for a long time.
"Please sit down, Izawa-san." The teacher brought me back to my senses.
I sat down feeling angry and vaguely embarrassed.
"Good morning class." The teacher continued. "I'm sure you've all seen the list of last year's results by now and you know the routine, so I'd like to ask this years class representative to step forward and introduce herself."
Standard school routine meant that the class rep was chosen as the highest scoring student from the previous year. Until now, that had always been me.
A girl with hair that was an unusual shade of red stepped forward.
"Good morning class. My name is Miyazawa Yukino." She said brightly. "I'm honored to be your class representative this year. Please feel free to ask me if you need help with anything. Thank you very much."
The girl bowed and sat down.
This was..was.. I couldn't think of the appropriate word.
A few minutes later it came to me.
Intolerable. This was intolerable.
* * *
Pretty soon Miyazawa became the word on everyone's lips. It was all I seemed to hear any more. Class gossip seemed to concentrate on her and on not much else. Miyazawa this and Miyazawa that. It became downright depressing. Eventually I stopped listening. It all boiled down to the same thing anyway: 'Miyazawa-san is so wonderful! Blah, blah, blah.'
It wasn't just that. Everyone seemed to have forgotten about me. Miyazawa superseded me in just about everything. It became a routine embarrassment. Whenever anyone in the class required advice about something, from Math to P.E. to relationships, they asked Miyazawa. And unfortunately, they had good reason to.
She could and had beaten me at everything. There seemed to be nothing that I could do that she could not do better. Whether it be sport, math, history, language or even home economics, no matter what, it would be her name that was behind the top score. Despite whatever amount of effort I poured into my studies, the result was the same. I was second best and there was nothing I could do about it.
It was depressing, degrading and embarrassing all at the same time. It was like I wasn't there. Poor old Maho had faded into the background once again.
* * *
Later in the week I talked to Chisa. I had been tutoring her for almost half a year now and had I begun to like her after a fashion and considered her to be somewhat of a friend. We had met several times over the holiday break but I hadn't really seen her much recently.
I caught up with her during lunch break. She was eating her lunch with the latest in a series of drooling, single-minded boyfriends.
"Oh, Hi Maho-Sempai." She chirruped, waving me over. She had persevered with the title, regardless of my continual protestations and the fact that we were the same age. To be truthful, I actually kind of liked it.
After the usual meaningless trivialities, I casually brought up tutoring.
"By the way Chisa, when do want to start meeting up again?" I asked. I wasn't expecting the answer she gave me.
"Oh, you don't have to worry about that." She said. "I asked Miyazawa- Sempai to tutor me this year."
Sigh. Of course. Why not? She takes my grades and my reputation; she may as well take my tutoring job as well. Great. Just great. I mean, It's not like I actually relished the idea of having to tutor Chisa. It was a pride thing. Tutoring was a responsibility that I didn't really want but, Damn it! I hated losing it to HER.
That cold, robot BITCH! How dare she!!!
Still, I had to keep up appearances.
"Oh I see. No problem then." I said. "I guess I'll see you later Chisa."
"Ok. Bye bye, Maho-san!" She called as I walked off.
Maho-san?
This sucked.
* * *
Miyazawa's popularity and influence just kept growing. I found myself watching her continually. In a dark and morbid way, she fascinated me. She was like me but better. It was like looking at a model of myself that had been refined and refined, almost until all the soul had disappeared and there was only robotic perfection left.
For me, knowing what it was like to simulate flawlessness, I couldn't help but be vaguely repulsed by Miyazawa. She gave me the creeps; there was no way around it. How could this girl be real? Imagine if I had become like that!
Suddenly, I didn't want to be me at all.
* * *
I felt myself slipping further into despair with each passing day. School was a monotony of depression and I put less and less effort into it. It didn't matter anyway. I wasn't going to be able to get my position back since there was no way I could beat Miyazawa at her own game. I think at that point I had probably given up entirely.
That changed however, when she started getting closer to Arima. I was good at watching people, you see, have always been. It comes as a byproduct of being smart, lonely and unsure in social situations. So, while no one else noticed the changes that occurred within her, I did.
When people are around a person they like, all their worries and insecurities come pouring out through the cracks in their personality. This always makes it much easier to see what and where those cracks are. When Miyazawa became enamored of Arima Soichirou, I discovered that I could see much more of what she really was under the surface. I was a mask, a façade. Underneath it all she was human. She wasn't perfect after all.
I'll always remember my first thought when I realized the truth about Miyazawa. It was: How does she manage it? I knew how heavy that mask was and hers was far more comprehensive that mine. How did she carry it?
She was just tough and stubborn I decided. It didn't matter. She was human and I knew now where the chinks in her armor were. She could be beaten. I decided to give it a try. I was long since time for me to get my own back.
But some things will always be better than you. Life is a battle that always ends in defeat. The challenge is really only about how long you can last. I don't think it's meant to be easy. Fate decrees it and somehow always knows where to throw a stone when you are the most vulnerable. Some things are just more impossible to dislodge than mountains.
I should have known that Miyazawa Yukino was one of those things.
Of course I didn't find that out until it was all over and it didn't matter anymore. Then I felt stupid. However, I don't think I could have changed the outcome even if I had known.
I once said that it is practically impossible to help stupid people.
The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe I really am stupid.
* * *
During this time, Takashi became somewhat of a fixation in my life. I hadn't been seeing him long but I had begun to rely on him more and more. The time I spent with him became an escape from my collapsing reputation at school. He was in a different world than me, he had long forgotten the worries of his school years and being with him allowed me into that world. The amount of time I could spend with him was brief however, and often eclipsed by my misery at school. Yet during those few times, I was able to feel happy for a short amount of time. I didn't realize how precious that time would soon become.
My failed standoff with Miyazawa culminated with a drastic change in my relationship with Takashi. I had convinced the girls in my class that Miyazawa was using both Arima and Asaba as a platform for her ego. I painted a vivid picture of her as a cold and calculating snob to the class, insinuating that she had ensnared the hearts of the two most popular boys for no other reason than to complement her elite appearance.
Since just about all the girls had a crush on either or both Arima and Asaba, and because Miyazawa wasn't really known well by any of them, my ploy worked perfectly. Before long every girl in the class was ignoring her.
I felt ecstatic that my plan had worked. Finally. Finally she was the one on the outside, the one for whom nothing she could do was good enough. Finally she was herself in the position she had forced me into. It was perfect.
Yet, even after all the things I had learned from her arrival into my class, I kept forgetting the single most important one.
Her version of perfect was far superior to mine.
It was all my fault really. When it comes down to it, I can't really deny that. I got careless. I took one step further than I should have and at that instant she tipped the scales. That's the problem with having a bit of power over people. You're never really sure how much you have.
The alienation of the class didn't seem to faze her much. She just went and made friends with the Class D girls. I hadn't expected that. But worse, she made friends with Tsubaki's group. That was bad. Tsubaki was both tough and mean and I was in no hurry to earn her ire. Tsubaki Sakura probably wouldn't have a problem with thrashing me if she made up her mind too. At this very moment, Miyazawa was more than likely busy trying to convince her to do just that.
I was no match for Tsubaki in a physical contest. I was losing ground and I needed to make it up quick.
That's when I came up with the brilliant idea of attacking in person. I had counted on the safety of the class. Tsubaki would be safely occupied in her own class in another building. Miyazawa wouldn't be in any position to say much with the whole class supporting me. Unlike her, I had earned their respect over a period of years.
Sigh. I keep underestimating that girl. Kami-sama I'm stupid. I forgot that wounded dogs WILL bite and I would never have even remotely suspected how much bite Miyazawa Yukino had in her. She promptly admitted to all my accusations and the calmly threw them all back at me. Before I knew it the class had seen my little manipulative game for what it was and alienated me instead.
That was the day I lost my friends. I didn't bother with trying to dredge up any excuses. They wouldn't have done me any good anyway. I told the truth. The class had practically exiled me. If they stayed around it would pass onto them.
Classroom mobs aren't pretty.
They disappeared quickly and without any fuss.
Once they had left I walked to the window and looked out.
Sigh. Reiko. Mutsumi. Akemi. They had at least been a little kind to me. They didn't deserve to be brought down too.
Still, after I saw what Miyazawa did to Tsubasa Shibahime a few days later I counted myself lucky. Thank god I didn't make her THAT angry!
* * *
When school ended that day, so did my makeshift job of accepting my fate. As I walked into my bedroom my mask slipped and everything came tumbling out.
It was over. Everything was over. As of today I had lost it all. The years of respect, the perfect reputation, my social position at school, everything. My classmates all hated me now. Even my friends had left me. Sure, I had told them that it would be in their interest to do so but that didn't make it any better.
I had been utterly defeated in every way possible. Miyazawa had pierced me to the core and I could almost feel the gaping hole that existed in my armor. For about three hours I did something that I hadn't done in three entire years.
I cried.
It didn't make me feel any better. In fact it probably only made things worse. The time and self-absorption involved in crying simply served to increase the growing loneliness I was feeling to an unbearable extent. I needed someone, anyone to be with.
I didn't have anyone left except Takashi so I went to him.
I arrived at his house at 9PM crying and feeling lost to the core. I asked him if I could stay the night. He took me in his arms and said I could.
Much later that night he undressed me and gave me as much as he could of himself without me having to ask. I was glad because otherwise I was afraid I might have begged. At that moment I needed desperately to feel needed and loved. For a brief time I found both in his arms.
So I lost myself in the pain of that first time because it was so much more bearable than the pain in my soul, and I took what little comfort I could from our union because I had no other.
* * *
I had arrived at the train station early that morning. I really didn't feel like being alone right then and even the oblivious crowds at the train station were better than my empty apartment. I had been feeling lonely and transparent lately and nothing I could do seemed to make things any better.
'The shepherd has lost his sheep.' I thought darkly. 'Or maybe he never really had any in the first place.'
Was I deluding myself all along? Did I ever really have any control over my life? Had I been gathering my flock of pretty girls or had I been cowering under them in terror, shrinking from reality as if it were a roaring lion about to eat me whole.
No not a lion, I thought. A father.
I shook my head. This was not right. Why was I thinking like this? Asaba Hideaki should not be thinking these things.
But I was. I couldn't shake myself out of it. For maybe the first time in my life, I could not find my center. Somewhere along the line my calm had simply evaporated like a puddle in the sun, and I was left feeling lost and incomplete. I felt like I was about to suddenly explode but I couldn't isolate the source of this feeling. I was restless and anxious and finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on anything.
My eyes kept jumping from the people around me to my shoes and then back again. I was getting paranoid. What were they saying? Were they talking about me? My face was burning.
Finally in desperation I half walked, half ran to the public bathroom. There I grabbed a paper towel from the dispenser, soaked it in cold water from the tap and placed it on my forehead. I stood against the dirty brick wall and wondered what had happed to the old me.
The old Asaba, where has he gone? Where was the confidence and sense of peace I had once felt? Where did it disappear to.
Did I lose it? Was it stolen? I didn't know.
Why didn't my flock give me comfort anymore? Why was I always hiding from them? Was I afraid of something?
Of them?
The answers didn't come. I was jolted out of my thoughts by a message over the loudspeaker.
"Train 227 bound for Hokuei High school arriving on platform 8. I repeat, Train 227 bound for."
Oh SHIT! My train. I bolted from the public washroom in a flurry and raced up the ramp toward the platform, barely managing to dodge members of the crowd as I flung myself past them.
A strange thought passed through my head. Why was I getting so worked up over this? It was just a train. This wasn't like me at all.
I hesitated for a brief second, which proved my undoing. I faltered and before I could stop myself I plunged headlong into a dark-haired girl walking in the same direction, knocking us into a heap on the floor and upsetting a number of other commuters.
* * *
[Oww! Oh man, now I'm in trouble.]
{What the %$^#!}
[Aww crap! It's a girl. Man, I hope she's not hurt. Better help her up.]
"I'm so sorry miss. Are you Ok? Terribly sorry. You're not hurt are you? I didn't mean.."
[My babbling stopped as looked up at me. Her eyes. They were so.. .. .. Sad. She probably thought I was a real jerk.]
{Ohhh, My head. Why am I on the floor? Memories came rushing back. A guy knocked me over. I looked up at him. He was currently still leaning over me and babbling apologies in my ear. He looked kinda familiar. A sudden rush of anger brought me back to my senses.}
"Would you get off me please!"
"Oh, right! Sorry."
[Oh shit. We were still sprawled on the floor. I hurriedly stood up and helped the girl to her feet. She glared at me. It suddenly dawned on me that I knew this girl. Uh oh! Izawa Maho. She was that tough punk from Class A. I'm dead!]
"Train 227 bound for Hokuei High school on platform 8 is about to depart. Passengers please keep.."
[Crap!! The train.]
{Asaba. I should have known. Before I could finish my thoughts I found myself caught up by him and propelled toward the train I had meant to catch. We entered in an ungraceful rush and I hurriedly disengaged myself. That..That bastard. How dare he.}
{Well, at least I won't be late. Small comfort there. Maybe I should just give up on school altogether. I just don't care anymore.}
[I leant against the door of the train as it took off, sucking in breath. Maho went and took a seat at the far end of the carriage, ignoring me. I took another deep breath and followed her.]
{Wonderful, I thought wryly. He's gonna hang around. This is the last thing I need at the moment. Another gloating presence. Asaba sat down next to me and offered a sheepish grin.}
"Sorry about that Maho-san."
"Hmmpf. No problem."
{I turned my head away from him, hoping he'd go away.}
[She was angry. My natural instincts chipped in and I started talking, trying to cheer her up a bit with a goofy smile and my usual antics.]
"So Maho-san, sorry about that rushed entry and all, but hey, after knocking you down getting you on the train is the least I can do, right? Oh, by the way did you.."
{What's with this guy? Can't he shut up? He was grinning at me cheerfully while he talked. It was vaguely irritating. Still, he seemed harmless enough, and he did keep apologizing for knocking me over.}
"..hear the latest Yinyang song. Check it out, they're playing over the loudspeaker. Maybe I should start singing? What do you think? I could bleach my hair and.."
[It didn't seem to be working. Maho was ignoring all my idle chatter and keeping her eyes fixed on the floor. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't my charm working on this girl? Had it deserted me too? I watched her absently while I babbled. She was kind of beautiful and remote. She seemed to give off an aura of disdain. I found myself admiring her and remembering all the things I had heard about her from Yukino. Izawa Maho. Tough, determined, confident. As I looked at her a rouge thought popped into my head.]
[I wish..I wish I could be like her.]
{He had stopped talking and was watching me. His eyes moved away when I looked up. All of a sudden he seemed different from the picture I had made of him in my mind. Asaba Hideaki. He was gazing out the window with a far away look. His arm rested on the window ledge and a ghost of a smile remained on his lips. I found myself admiring him. He seemed so cheerful and carefree. He looked like he didn't have a worry in the world. For a brief amount of time I was envious}
{I wish..I wish I could be like him}
{My thoughts evaporated as we neared a station. Sansuka-cho. Huh?}
{We were on the wrong train.}
* * *
We had decided after catching the wrong train that it wasn't worth making our way back. School would just have to wait for another day. I guess I must have got turned around when I crashed into Maho and pushed us onto the train departing from the opposite platform.
Well, Everything else seemed to be going wrong. At least life was consistent.
The train we were on was bound for the city so we stayed on it. Might as well make trip out of it. Maho's anger seemed to have dissipated a bit but she didn't say much. She didn't seem bothered much by missing school. I wondered if something was wrong. I hoped that she didn't hate me too much.
I figured I'd make it up to her by buying her lunch so when we got off the train I shepherded her toward a line of shops, looking for a restaurant. I had felt too distracted that morning to bother with breakfast so by now I was famished. I found a place that served Chinese and we made our way inside.
* * *
I didn't have the strength to argue with him so I let him lead me into the restaurant and buy me lunch. I had left Takashi's place early to make my way to school, not bothering with breakfast so by now I was hungrier than I had realized.
The world had slipped and I was seeing things in a decidedly unreal slant. I marveled at the surreality of it all. Asaba Hideaki was leading me around like a lost kitten and I seemed to have lost the ability to make decisions for myself. All my strength had disappeared during sometime this morning and I felt strangely incorporeal.
A series of strange thoughts were buzzing back and forth in my head like angry hornets and I could only sit and watch them helplessly.
Last night I had slept with Takashi. It was.. .. strange. I couldn't decide whether it was good or bad. Something in me had been changed by that event and I wasn't sure what it was. I wasn't even sure what I was.
Was I an adult for real now? What did that mean? Memories and experiences kept crowding back in my head and they all seemed somehow pathetic. My entire life looked like a badly written play and my responses to everything seemed stupid and immature. I felt dangerously buoyant. I felt like I might just float right off the world altogether.
I shrank away from it all. Was this what being an adult meant? Would life always be like this from now on? Would I spend the rest of it lonely and terrified of making the wrong choices again?
* * *
Maho looked distracted throughout lunch. However she must have been as famished as I was because together we got though about four dishes and several side orders.
Sigh. This was really hurting my wallet.
I tried a number of times to initiate a conversation but nothing worked until I absently started telling her about Miyazawa.
"Huh? What?" She jerked in her seat and her attention snapped back into place.
Aha! Finally, a response. "Oh, do you know her?" I asked.
"Unfortunately, yes." Came the dry reply.
"That bad huh?" Miyazawa had quite an effect on people. I gave Maho a sideways look but she didn't elaborate.
"She's not really that bad once you get to know her." I continued, inwardly cringing at how lame that sounded. "Except she does kinda hog Arima for herself."
Well, what can I say? I still remembered that photo.
"Hmmmpf. You don't seem to have any trouble keeping a little group of puppy girls for yourself. What makes you any different?" Maho remarked. She wasn't impressed.
Oww! That stung.
"Not puppies. Sheep." I corrected.
"Huh?"
"Well, it's not really like that. You see, I.."
And suddenly I found myself telling her everything. It all came out, all my problems, my insecurities, everything. She didn't comment but just sat and listened. About halfway through my little spiel I started questioning what I was doing.
Why was I telling her this? I couldn't seem to stop myself. Something about this girl was different. She didn't seem the least bit impressed by my good looks and I felt the need to justify myself in her eyes. But I wasn't even doing that, I realized. I was simply blurting out all the pain I had kept hidden for so long.
I guess I needed to tell someone and Maho with her quiet and forceful demeanor just seemed right. She wasn't going to be impressed with any of my lame excuses or influenced but the factors that distracted everyone else. Maybe..just maybe..
I think I must have hoping that she'd tell me I was wrong. That she would perhaps slap me and say how stupid I was. Maybe she would take charge like a general and point out all the things I was doing wrong, give me all the answers I needed and push me back from the edge that I was dangling from.
But she didn't.
She just sat and listened with a strange look in her eyes.
* * *
What was this? Asaba too? Was everybody hiding away under a mask? Was the world nothing but a huge masquerade ball with everyone needing to cover himself or herself with a disguise against reality?
If that was so, I wondered, how did people ever find each other?
"I..I know what you mean." I spoke before I could stop myself.
What? Why did I say that?
"Sometimes I feel like.."
What was wrong with me? Why was I telling this to him of all people? But then hadn't he just showed me that he wasn't what I thought he had been? Even so, should I confide in him? I hardly know him?
The words came out before I could decide, and in response to his openness I threw down my barriers and showed him everything. I didn't care anymore. I was past the point of being able to be hurt any more than I already was. My mind was full of so much hurt and anger that if I didn't let it go then I would be washed away.
It all came out in a flood, and I was barely conscious of what I was saying. I'm sure the restaurant staff must have been shocked but I didn't notice.
I don't know how much I told him. But it was enough. At some time while I was talking I had started crying again. I thought he would he laugh, make fun of me or even be angry. I was wrong.
Asaba Hideaki simply looked at me with a tear running down his own cheek. "You too, huh?" He said.
I collapsed crying against his shoulder and the world evaporated in a haze of relief.
I wasn't the only one.
* * *
Ever since then we had a kind of kinship. There was no big romance scene or anything. This was real life not Romeo and Juliet, but on the day I carried Izawa Maho from the restaurant and boarded a homebound train I felt that I had for the first time in my life made a real friend.
Nevertheless, as school finished and the summer holidays began, I found that she was occupying more and more of my thoughts. She had inexplicably made friends with Yukino and her gang so I saw her often during the semester break. For some reason I found myself eager to be near her.
I don't know why but from then on I always felt a great deal more relaxed when she was around.
* * *
The next day back at school I had felt lonely again. I was nervous and unsure of myself, and I felt confused about what had happened the day before. I didn't know what to think about Asaba.
Since the entire class was still ignoring me, I had taken to staring out the window during the breaks between classes.
That was when Miyazawa Yukino approached me.
At that moment I was feeling hurt, anxious and confused all at once. I lashed out before I could think better of it.
"You look like you feel sorry for me. If you dare do that I'll slap you silly!" I snapped.
She gave me a smirk.
"I do feel sorry for you."
What? How dare she!
"You were sloppy. If I had carried out that plan I would have done it perfectly." She continued with an ingratiating smile.
In a haze of anger I grabbed her cheek.
"YOU MAKE ME SO MAD!" I shouted.
But to my surprise she didn't attempt to remove my offending hand. She grinned as best she could and gave me a look that might have been hopeful.
That was when I understood. She wasn't mocking me. She was mocking herself. She had no bad feelings about me; she didn't want to hurt me. She was just sad that it had ended the way it did.
Looking at her with my hand still attached to her cheek and realizing these things, something about the whole business struck me as sublimely funny.
Before I could help it I had burst out laughing.
With a look of relief, Miyazawa Yukino followed.
In the last week of the semester, it looked as though I had made two unlikely friends.
Life really was weird.
End Chapter 5
Authors Note: Whew.. that was exhausting. Well, there you have it, folks. Another chapter finished. Don't worry. This story isn't done yet. There will still be about three more chapters I think. I'm beginning to worry about dying of exhaustion before I finish this. Some of the scenes can be sooo draining to write. Oh well, it's all for a good cause.
Well, that's all for now. I'm gonna go listen to Yume no Naka e. There's a certain genius to that song. After all the angst, you need something calm and relaxing. Why don't you go listen to it too?
As always, please let me know what you think and thanks for reading.
Stay tuned next time for Chapter six: My soul's shattered dreams.
Later.
Cheshire Grin Wheresmyspoons@yahoo.com