Kareshi Kanojo No Jijou - But I Stood In The Background
A KareKano Fanfiction
By Cheshire Grin
Disclaimer: [I don't own Kare kano. Tsuda Masami and other people do. Damn, I'm jealous.]
She is not easy, She is not peaceful;
She pulses like a heart on my hill.
The moon snags in her intricate nervous system.
I am excited, seeing it there.
It is like something she has caught for me.
The night is a blue pool; she is very still.
At the center she is still, very still with wisdom.
The moon is let go, like a dead thing.
Now she herself is darkening
Into a dark world I cannot see at all.
----Sylvia Plath, fragment
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Chapter 6 - My soul's shattered dreams
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"Yo Asapin."
Yukino called me over to where she and Arima were lounging on a bench outside the mall. Arima glared at me as I wandered over. Just to spite him I flung my arms around his neck and nuzzled his cheek.
"ARIMA!!!"
"HEY! CUT IT OUT!" He yelled, disgusted.
Yukino looked daggers at me. They were both mad at me already. Not a bad start to the morning.
"Sigh. Arima is soooo boring." I teased with a show of hurt pride. He ignored me.
"Hentai." Yukino poked me. I looked offended. "Hey, it's guy stuff. You wouldn't understand." I said, throwing my arm back around Arima's neck for emphasis.
He gave me a dry look. "Neither would you. Since when were you a man?"
For Arima, guy stuff meant as minimal physical contact as possible. Sigh. So conservative for someone so young! How tragic.
"OHO, I'm the manliest guy I know!" I smirked, flipping open my shirt and stroking my manly chest. I wiggled my hips and struck a sexy pose to prove the point. The maniacal grin pasted all over my face only served to enhance the effect.
They both gaped. Really! I mean you'd think they would be used to it by now. Guess some folks just can't be helped.
"Umm, Asapin.." Yukino muttered with her hand over her mouth. "you're uh.. fly is undone."
Oops. That wasn't meant to happen. Oh well, I zipped up my flares and decided to take it in stride. I sidled up and nudged her.
"Trust you to notice, Yu-ki-no - chan." I husked in her ear. She blushed from ear to ear and started stammering.
Aha! Hideaki scores. The undefeatable Miyazawa was struck speechless. It was priceless. Arima, however wasn't impressed. He smacked me on the head and put his arm around Yukino possessively.
"Baka." He said and gave me his 'Look of Doom.'
I didn't miss the warning. Went a little too far that time. For the most part Arima put up with my nonsense because he knew I was just kidding but being the jealous guy he was, he would only tolerate so much. Flirting with his girlfriend was way out of line. If I weren't careful he'd give me another whacking out of Miyazawa's sight. These damned instincts of mine will get me killed one day.
I sighed inwardly and my previous high spirits dropped. I hadn't forgotten the belting he gave me yesterday for offering to take Yukino swimming in the holidays. The cheek where he hit me still stung. That had been a warning too.
That was why we were here anyway. In about an hour, Arima would meet up with the Kendo club at the train station and head off for the National competitions in Tokyo. There to spend the better part of the holidays working up a sweat hitting other guys with sticks. I just love kendo.
"Hey guys, I'm gonna go check out the CD's."
I decided I'd better leave them alone for a bit to get in a last bit of gooshy romantic stuff before Arima hit the road. Yukino had been getting that big-eyed, clingy look. I think she might have been a bit anxious about not seeing her precious Arima for over a month.
"Besides, all the other babes will get jealous if I only hang around with you two." I smirked over my shoulder, pasting a lecherous look on my face.
Arima flashed me a grateful look as I sauntered off into the mall and out of view.
I wandered around the music shops for a while, absently browsing the CD collections. I wasn't really looking for anything in particular. Mostly I just wanted give the two lovebirds outside some time alone. A new album by Angel Tai caught my eye and I asked the shop guy if I could listen to it.
About half an hour later I noticed Arima standing outside the shop. I bought the CD I had been listening to and walked over. Miyazawa wasn't with him.
"She's gone to get some drinks." He responded to my raised eyebrows. He looked serious. Maybe he was going to give me that whacking after all.
"Look man, you know I wasn't serious before." I apologized. "I was just being me. No offence man."
Arima unconsciously registered a grimace before sighing. "I know.. sometimes I just can't help it"
"You're going to kill yourself with all that worry. She can take care of herself, you know."
"Yeah.. I guess so. It's just that I don't know what I'd do if.."
"If what? If she ran off with another guy?" I interrupted before he could get too far with the self-pity kick. "It's not gonna happen, man. When are you going to realize that? She loves you, she's not just going to go jump in the sack with the nearest pervert, trust me. And while you're at it, trust her a bit too, Ok?"
"I..Ok."
"Good boy." I cracked. "You'll be a real man before you know it."
Arima blushed.
"Uh.. yesterday I.. uh.. well.. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry." He was stammering and looking down. He looked nervous. I decided now wasn't the time to crack jokes.
"Don't worry about it." I said.
"Um, Yesterday you.. uh.. said something about looking out for Miyazawa and I.. well I was wondering.. If you wouldn't mind.. that is.."
So that's what this was about. In actual fact I had boldly declared that I would single-handedly keep all aspiring creeps from bothering his girlfriend. I hadn't expected him to take me up on my offer. Sigh; there goes the trust, in one ear and out the other.
But then, it was one thing to tell him that Mizazawa could take care of herself (more than likely embedding any aspiring weirdo into a nearby patch of concrete) and quite another to make him believe it.
"Why are you asking me?" I questioned.
He looked away. "I guess I know that.. you.. and her.. wouldn't.. I mean.. I know you're only teasing and.." He looked up at me again. "I know you aren't really as big a playboy as you let on."
So he did know.
These moments of vulnerability in Arima, this was what our friendship was built on. This was what kept me wanting to be around him, to be there for him. That he would show these parts of himself to a guy like me, things that he would never let anyone else know about. In these moments he showed me his soul and I treasured them more than anything else.
I smiled at him and put my hand on his shoulder, becoming serious for a moment.
"Don't worry about it. She'll be there for you when you come back. No one will touch her, I promise."
He smiled back weakly and then leaned his head on my shoulder, suddenly no more than a frightened child. I patted his back, trying to give him as much strength as I could. I was worried for my friend. Without Miyazawa around, he often seemed a different person. I hoped he could last a month without her.
He looked up, looking lost and tired and terrified.
"I promise." I repeated, not letting my worries show.
Relief showed briefly in his eyes and his head fell once more onto my shoulder. His reply was barely audible.
"T-Thank you."
* * *
After Arima disappeared for the summer, life got a bit lonely. I hadn't really been aware of how much I had relied on him for companionship. It kind of shocked me when I thought about it. I found it pretty weird that he had taken such a large place in my life.
The first few weeks I spent a little time with Yukino and her friends. Had to keep up my promise after all. Couldn't have any weirdo's trying to pick up the precious Miyazawa. Of course, the most assistance I was likely to give if that happened was picking up their pieces. Not that I told Arima, but I was more worried about keeping his girlfriend from manslaughter charges than I was about anything else. Have to save innocent weirdoes from themselves. Well, themselves and an angry Miyazawa.
But that's not the point. The point was that I was on a mission, not there to get to know Maho better.
No, of course not.
Yukino's friends were a strange bunch but surprisingly fun to hang out with. I didn't get a chance to hang out too much, Miyazawa was set on 'Girl time' for the most part, but the few times I was allowed to tag along, they each made clear impressions.
The time we went to the movies was a prime example of how this group interacted. We had embarked on our mission to the theatre to check out a re-showing of 'Akira Kurosawa's Dreams.' And with Yukino in charge, that's exactly what it was. A mission.
Anything not directly related to fun was quickly and effectively quashed by the all to familiar 'Miyazawa Grin' complete with a 40 story battle aura to back it up. I'll really have to learn how she does that one day! Imagine the effect a 40 story Asaba would have on the world. Talk about teen idol.
Maho grumbled off to get the tickets as we entered the theatre. I wondered exactly where she fit into this group of girls. It was almost like she didn't want to even be here. We hadn't talked at all since she became friends with Yukino. I still couldn't understand how that happened. But then Maho was lonely, any fool could see that and ... well, Yukino was just Yukino. She'd talk you into anything before you could even muster a reply.
I looked over at the other girls. Such a mixed bunch. Rika was busy eyeing a 'Mononoke Hime' poster and trying to convince Aya to go see it with her. Wasn't having much luck by the look of it. Aya seemed more interested in a weird foreign film called 'Bound.'
Despite the arguing, they both had smiles on their faces and Aya used Rika's pleas as an excuse to throw an arm around her neck and ruffle her hair. Rika glared at her but it didn't hold any malice. She looked kinda flattered actually. Sometimes I wondered about those two. During the whole time I had known them I had never seen one without the other more than five meters away. Maybe they were..
Nah. What would I know?
My attention wandered around the cinema complex. It had been put up fairly recently and was nicely fitted out. There was an arcade, a row of small snack bars, a few coffee shops, a couple of gorgeous chicks, a nursery and...
Whoa. A couple of gorgeous chicks. Independent of any conscious thought, the Asaba magnet whirled into action. Before I had even completed the thought I had walked over and was about to introduce myself. Elapsed Turnabout Time 1.03 seconds. Old habits die hard.
They saw me approach and their eyes did a casual once over then lit up with interest. I smiled. No challenge. I should change my name to Bond.
"Hey guys, what are you here to see"
Huh?
"Hi, I'm Tsubaki Sakura and this pervert is Asaba but you needn't worry about him." Sakura continued, giving me a slap on the back that sent me reeling and crumpled my perfect style like a sledgehammer on a meat-bun.
The interest drained out the girls eyes and they turned to the newcomer. DAMMIT! She did it again. That's the third time this week. I was going to have watch out for this girl. Yukino certainly did attract the weirdoes. I walked off to nurse my wounded pride.
I figured I'd have a chat with Tsubasa for a bit while we were waiting for the show to start. After all, she had spent the entire morning glaring at Aya and Sakura so I figured I'd be safe in her presence. Besides, I had been planning on talking with her anyway. Arima's psuedo-sister had been a tad distant lately and I wanted to see if she was doing ok after losing him to Miyazawa..
Unfortunately, to my consternation, Yukino had taken the liberty to give her a 'don't go near that perverted Asaba' lecture and shushed me off as I approached. Damn, seems to be a going trend. I mean, come on! Am I THAT bad?
I gave an outraged "Heeeeyyyyy?" but she ignored me and handed Tsubasa a wad of cash, donated by Sakura and Aya. Was it just me or did they look a bit shamefaced as they forked over? What was that about Totaros?
Tsubas, giggling adorably, accepted the cash and bounced to to devour roughly seventy percent of the candy section, just as.. adorably. Judging from her appetite I guessed she couldn't be that depressed after all. Looks like I'll have to talk to her another day.
It was just as well. At that moment Maho came back with the tickets, complaining that the next show didn't have enough seats left so she'd had to get tickets for the one after which didn't start till three. It was about a quarter of two now so we had just over an hour to kill.
Before I could blink I was in the process of being whisked off to the nearest clothing store by Aya and Rika. Apparently they had decided that my 'designer' clothes must have been designed by Elton John and I needed a woman's touch. Can't imagine why. Never saw anything wrong with purple shirts and silver jeans myself. I said as much and withered under their combined glare. So what if it was a paisley shirt?
It wasn't that I was about to start complaining though. Unless it's your mother, being fussed over isn't exactly an unpleasant experience.
I looked over my shoulder as I was being dragged off by my self-appointed fashion consultants. Sakura was happily chatting with the girls from earlier and Tsubasa was still occupied with candy. Figuring they were alright by themselves, we left them there.
Maho on the other hand had been collared and glared at by Yukino for being 'Not fun' and was protesting while being similarly dragged away to play the latest martial art video game at the arcade. Since she realized that Arima was actually good enough at Kendo to get into the Nationals, she'd gotten a bizarre fascination with the fighting arts. Her competitive spirit was not about to just go away it seemed.
At least she hadn't decided to take karate lessons or anything like that just yet. I don't think any of us could have handled that.
Their conversation drifted back.
"Hey Maho, over here!"
"What! Why this one?"
"Don't tell me it's too hard for you?"
"OF COURSE IT ISN'T!"
"ALRIGHT! LETS PLAY!"
".. .. .."
"Wheee. DIE DIE DIE!!"
"Why meeeee!"
Aya, Rika and I stopped and looked at each other, trying to ignore the collective stares and dead silence that accompanied Yukino and Maho's departure.
"Shameful!" voiced Rika.
"Totally!" agreed Aya
They suddenly noticed me again.
Their eyes lit up. Ahh! The pressures of being beautiful.
"Brown suede!"
"Grey scarf!"
"Black jeans!"
"Sunglasses!"
"Ohh, a beret!"
We forgot about the movie totally.
* * *
I was sitting in the park near the mall waiting for Yukino and the other girls to arrive. We had decided to go out for dinner and karaoke afterwards. Yukino and Co. were late.
Just my luck. Here I am twiddling my thumbs in this park while she's probably whining to Arima on the phone. She's been going on about him all summer. She said he went off to some Kendo training camp or some such.
I wish she'd give the pining a rest though. It's all I hear these days. God, I hope I never get that pathetic.
And what the hell was with Asaba these days? Since Arima left he's latched onto her like a limpet. Maybe he got bored and decided to tag along. I suppose he must miss Arima. They'd gotten pretty close last term. That is one weird friendship. No stranger than Yukino and mine though. She told me about the whole 'Merryland' thing. I think Asaba might have mentioned it too.
Sigh. Why can't I stop thinking about that guy?
He has been hanging around a lot these days. Watching over Yukino it seems. Arima must have pulled him for guard duty. What does she see in that guy? He's the most neurotic obsessive I've ever met.
Still, Asaba's macho act is kinda comical. It does get on Yukino's nerves though. I wish she'd just tell him to get lost. I really don't need this right now. Not after that whole baring souls episode.
Why did I tell him? I mean, Asaba Hideaki of all people. Life sure is strange. Half of the stuff I told him I haven't even mentioned to Takashi. He 'is' supposed to be my boyfriend.
But then, what am I going to say. Hey honey, your girlfriend's got problems, sit down and listen up. Yeah right. It's hard enough measuring up as an adult as it is. Why did I tell her all that stuff about being in love? I feel like an idiot. Like I would know about that stuff.
Why are people so strange?
I used to think Asaba was a moron. Why does what he said change that?
What is different about him?
We haven't spoken since then. Why am I avoiding him?
I was saved from becoming too morbid by Yukino's arrival.
"Hey Maho!"
"Oh Hi! Where are the others?" I replied.
I was hoping that they would not be able to come. Despite Yukino's assurances, I never felt too comfortable among the other girls. I wasn't too sure they had forgiven me for the past. Tsubaki had just about punted me across the half the country when I first started hanging out with them. I still had bruises.
"They said they'll be here soon." She exclaimed to my disappointment. "Oh and Asaba's coming along this time too."
"WHAT?" I shouted before I could help it.
"Don't worry, I'll make sure he behaves himself. Besides, I think he's a little lonely now that Arima's not here."
"Great." I muttered. "So you inflict him on us."
Ok, so I was being a little unfair. Despite him being Yukino's friend and now apparently personal watchdog, I know a lot more about him than she does. Asaba isn't such a bad guy at all. I still blush occasionally when I remember how he must have carried me onto the train after I fell asleep at the restaurant. Of course I wasn't about to tell her that. It was hard enough to deal with as it was. I don't need my new friend getting involved.
Before too long the others arrived and we started heading off for dinner. Asaba had adhered himself to Yukino and was teasing her about Arima. 'I will deal with this!' I thought to myself. I sighed and trailed behind alongside Tsubasa. As I watched him walking ahead with Yukino, I tried hard not to think about how handsome and relaxed he was.
I don't think I was too successful. Tsubasa kept giving me strange looks.
"What are you looking at?" She teased.
"Nothing!"
"It wouldn't be that tight pair of jeans up ahead would it, hmm?"
I sighed and handed her the chocolate bar I had been saving.
"Thanks."
"Shut up."
* * *
Karaoke was a lot of fun. I sang the theme song to the movie Titanic to everyone's obvious enjoyment. I sat down to a warm round of applause while Tsubasa burst into 'Moonlight Densetsu.'
Talk was relaxed as we continued though a varied mix of songs. Rika and Aya did a duet of something by Puffy and Sakura followed them up with "Fly me to the moon."
Just to spite me, Yukino sang 'Yesterday once more' by the Carpenters. Her English was much better than mine.
"Show off!" I muttered with a show of hurt. When it was my turn again I unbuttoned my shirt and gave an extremely sexy version of "I'm too sexy." When I finished, I buttoned up my shirt and raised my eyebrows and at her daring her to do the same.
"Your turn." I smiled sweetly.
She refused to tempted. What a pity. Still if Miyazawa unbuttoned her shirt and Arima ever heard about it..
Oh well, some things just aren't meant to be.
"Such a good little girl!" I smirked and moved off to sit next to Maho.
Ok Asaba, this is it. Time to break the ice. No more of this awkward stuff. She's a girl. No, scratch that. Sheep. Yeah. Think shepherd. Use the force.
Mojo doesn't work on this girl.
It'll work. Don't worry. Mojo always works.
My mouth refused to form words. It obviously didn't believe a word that my brain was telling it.
Maho glanced over and caught me staring.
Uh oh. Better say something. I smiled at her.
"Uh..could you pass the peanuts."
She passed me the peanuts.
I slumped. All the 007 in me died. That was not cool.
Very not cool.
"Oh man! Bond has deserted me."
Maho gave me weird look and got up to sing "Give a reason."
Oops. Didn't mean to say that out loud.
* * *
I was walking back from Yukino's place with Asaba. With customary impudence, she had enlisted him as my 'bodyguard.' It couldn't have come a worse time, I thought.
Tsubaki and the other girls had left early, Sakura citing volleyball practice and Aya saying she had a column to write. Rika had gone with Aya for 'moral support' and Tsubasa had been collared by Sakura on the pretext of animals needing to be locked up at night.
Yukino, Asaba and I had stayed for a few more songs, none of us really to give up for the night. Yukino was obviously still pining after Arima and kept crooning out the old love ballads while Asaba had his 'protect Yukino' mission. I had stayed because Yukino needed company for those last few songs and she said Asaba didn't count.
Eventually we all got tired of singing and began to wander homeward. We arrived at Yukino's house and stopped to say our goodbyes. I was just about to take my leave when she spoke.
"Hey Asapin. Be a good boy and walk Maho home."
Whoa. Don't do this.
"No, it's ok. It's only a few blocks away. I'll be fi.."
"Don't be silly." She cut me off. "You'll do it won't you Asapin." She threw a pointed look his way.
Uh oh. An order. When you're around the girl at school you quickly learn to recognize that tone of voice. She wasn't about to be gainsaid. Oh boy! Just what I needed.
Asaba took it in stride. "Yes Maam!" He gave her a salute.
"Baka. Now get going before I make you do push-ups." She barked, whacking him and playing along.
"Yes Maam!" He gave another salute and ushered me off before she could smack him again.
Yep. Just what I needed. I threw a nasty look skyward and resigned myself to my fate.
* * *
The night was warm and the cicada's gave a comforting background buzz. I wasn't feeling very relaxed though. I was.. well, what was I? Nervous. Embarrassed maybe? I wasn't even sure.
There was a weird silence. Neither of us had spoken since leaving the Miyazawa place. It was like there was some barrier between us that I couldn't define. Some awkwardness.
Since that last time..
I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't think I ever would. Some things are never easy.
I needed to break the silence. It was getting unbearable. I wanted to say something, anything, let him know that I wasn't a stupid little girl, that I didn't hate him, that I wanted him to be.. a friend. I wanted to say this and a million other things but they wouldn't come.
God, what a moron he must think I am.
I glanced over at him, looking for anything, a clue of something to say perhaps. Asaba was walking where he had been the whole time, a step behind to the right like he had taken his role as my bodyguard a bit too seriously. He seemed a lot paler in the moonlight. He was looking at me, had been the whole way. I wondered just what was going through his mind.
"Stop looking at me like that!" I snapped, strained by the prolonged silence and his reluctance to speak.
"Huh"
It was almost as if..
"I can't take this. What's with the staring? Do you like me; is that it? You look like you're about to kiss me. Why are you being so weird?" I blurted. "If you're going to do something then do it!"
* * *
"You look like you're going to kiss me."
"If you're going to do something then do it!"
What did she just say?
My face blazed in shame. I realized that I had been staring at her the whole time we had been walking. She thought I wanted to kiss her? Did it look like that? Did I actually want to? Did she want me to?
Questions raced through my brain but I didn't have any answers to any of them. I don't know what I wanted. What was it about this girl? Why did my confidence fall to pieces whenever I was around her? Why did I never know what to say? I barely knew her at all.
But I wanted to.
Did I want to kiss her? I.. I wasn't sure. I felt relaxed when I was around her, comfortable even but nervous at the same time. I felt like I didn't need to act around her, but when I wasn't acting I didn't know what to do.
Was acting all I knew how to do? Was there anything behind the carefree mask I wore? Was that all I was?
NO, DAMMIT!
Behind the face there was..
..me.
I needed to prove it to her. Needed to tell her I wasn't just a pretty face, that I wasn't worthless. I wanted to let her know that I wasn't just a soulless idiot with a tan and a flashy smile.
(You look like you're going to kiss me.)
I didn't know what else to do.
So I kissed her.
* * *
He didn't say anything for a long time. Must have freaked him out with that remark about him wanting to kiss me. Great. Just fantastic, Maho. Another conversation killer.
God I'm stupid. Now he'll probably never talk to me again.
I really ought to write a book. 'How to distance people: A guide to self-alienation' by Izawa Maho.
Why not? Aya would be proud.
I sighed inwardly. Why did I feel so exposed with this guy around? How did he make me say things without thinking? I suppose I'd better say sorry before he thinks I'm a complete idiot.
I was about to apologize when he kissed me.
* * *
I leaned over and pressed my lips against hers. She didn't resist. My mind was a blur and nothing was registering except the need to let her know what I was thinking. I poured my frustrations into the kiss as if to somehow receive answers to the questions I had been unable to voice directly from her breath.
The world blacked out..
Her lips.. so soft.
I was barely aware when she started kissing me back.
And then it was there again, the connection we had shared that day in the restaurant was back and I could feel her again, could remember just who and what she was. I hadn't been aware that I was missing it.
It was..
..real.
The real Maho. Her thoughts, feelings, wants, fears. I could taste them on her breath.
I opened my eyes and caught her looking back at me.
That was when the spell broke. Reality washed into my head bringing with it an awareness of what I was doing.
Ummm.. Did I just do that?
She stepped back, fear and uncertainty taking over her features.
"I.. uh.. I.." she whisped.
Then before I could say anything to repair the situation, she turned and ran.
I watched vacantly as she fled around the corner and out of sight. One word sprang instantly to mind to describe the situation.
"Fuck!" I said.
No. That wasn't right. I walked over to the wall and kicked it. No, still not right.
I slammed my head against the wall. Yeah, that was it.
"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUCCKKK!!!" I shouted, ramming my head into the wall each time.
* * *
He kissed me. Why did he do that? Words haunted me.
'You look like you're going to kiss me?'
'If you're going to do something then do it!'
It was just an offhand remark. I hadn't meant for him to actually do it.
Just an off the wall remark.
I was hyperventilating. I could hardly breathe.
Whoa! Calm down. Ok Maho, review the facts.
One: I can't breathe.
I've been running for about ten minutes now. It's natural. On to two.
Two: Asaba kissed me.
Well, guys are weird. They do weird macho stuff. Comes with the territory. Probably just a momentary thing. Besides, it was 'Asaba!' He probably does that kind of stuff all the time.
Three: I kissed him back.
O-k.. .. Not so easy.
It doesn't matter. I didn't mean it. Got a bit caught up in the moment. It's not like it means anything. It was just a kiss. Anyway, he kissed me first. That's what you do when someone kisses you.
Four: I liked it.
So. Everyone likes kissing. It's not like he's ugly.
ARRRGGGGGHHHHHH!
I love Takashi dammit, not Asaba. Why am I kissing him?
ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!
Ok. Relax. Breathe in, breathe out. Cold. Ice. Soul of ice.
Right.
So Asaba and I kissed. Once. No big deal. It was innocent. Harmless. Spur of the moment and all that. So what if it was nice. Kissing Takashi is nice too. Kissing in general is nice.
You can deal with this, Maho.
Sure I can.
I just need to go see Takashi. That's it. I need to see Takashi right now.
Right now.
I turned and headed in the direction of his house. This just wasn't my day.
* * *
I was running, running from everything.
I remember what had caused it. It stood out in my mind like a neon sign, every nuance glowing with an obscene and somehow unnatural light.
Takashi....
And another.
They....
'NO! FORGET IT!'
....in bed.
'FORGET IT!'
Kissing....entwined together....
'IT WAS A DREAM, A MISTAKE, IT WASN'T REAL!'
He was....
She was....
'THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!'
Naked....
'NO!'
....together.
'NO!!!!! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!'
They couldn't! They wouldn't!
{They did.}
No! I won't believe it!
{You must!}
I won't!
{You must! You cannot deceive yourself.}
I can. It was just a mistake. It wasn't what it looked like. There's another explanation!
{Like what?}
He loves me!
{Are you sure?}
I....I....
{Are you sure?}
YES!!! I mean I.....of course....he uhh....
{Does he really love you?}
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!
{Does he really love you?}
The world was spinning, around and around me. This wasn't real. It couldn't be. It was a dream. It had to be a dream!
{Then why can't you wake up?}
I will. In a minute I'll wake up in my bed and it will all be just a bad dream.
{Go on then}
But I can't. Why can't I wake up? What's happening?!!!!!
{You already know}
Who are you?!!!
{You know that as well}
WHAT?!! I don't.... What are you talking about?
{You know me very well. You created me.}
No!
{You did. You put me on every morning. You hide behind me.}
I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!
{I am your protection, your shelter}
Wh-wh-w.... I....
{I am you}
No... You can't....
{I am the mask you created, the replacement for your soul when things are too difficult.}
That's crazy!
{It's not. Everyone does it. Only you far more than most.}
I don't believe you!
{It doesn't matter}
Leave me alone!!
{Is that what you really want?}
I....I....I don't know. I don't understand.
{How can you not understand? He has betrayed you.}
No! He loves me!
{How can you know that?}
He told me!
{People lie.}
He wouldn't....
{Are you sure?}
I....
{You see! You cannot ever know what others truly feel.}
But...
{Others may tell you things but you cannot always believe them.}
That's not....
{People can deceive. They can be cruel. You have done it yourself.}
NO!
{You have. There have been many times.}
No.... I'm not....
{What about your classmates? Kei? Chisa? Reiko? Mutsumi? Akemi?}
But.... But....
{Asaba.}
I..I didn't mean.. It was a mistake.. Just a kiss. It didn't mean anything!
{What about Yukino?}
No.... I....
{You lied about her.}
SHE DESERVED IT!!!
{Did she? Truly? Do you really believe that?}
I....I....
{You know that's not true. She is your friend now. She is kind to you. She has always been kind to you. Even when you hated her.}
I....I....I know.
{You cannot blame this on others. It has been your fault all along. You have created this situation for yourself.}
NO! I didn't make Takashi sleep with another woman.
{But you gave him reasons to.}
No.
{You were cold to him. You have ignored him, yelled at him, you only seek him out when you need him. It has been so all along.}
No. I was happy with him. I slept with him.
{That does not make him belong to you. You only slept with him because 'you' wanted to. No one has forced you. You have taken him for granted. You have only spent time with him when 'you' wanted to. All the other times you have ignored him.}
B-but....
{You have been cold and careless. That is why he has sought out another.}
Why me?
{You have brought this on yourself.}
I wish I were dead.
{Are you really so weak?}
I just don't know anymore.
END CHAPTER 6
Author's Note: Well, that's Chapter 6 done. Slumps into deckchair exhausted.
But seriously, apologies it took so long. Real life has an annoying habit of intruding where it shouldn't, particularly my free time. But I'm not dead, still writing, This will be finished one day, Bwahahahaha.
Be a nice reader and let me know what you think. If you already did.. Thanks! Keep it up.
Next time: Chapter 7 - The Looking Glass Broken
All for now folks.
Later
Cheshire Grin
Wheresmyspoons@yahoo.com
A KareKano Fanfiction
By Cheshire Grin
Disclaimer: [I don't own Kare kano. Tsuda Masami and other people do. Damn, I'm jealous.]
She is not easy, She is not peaceful;
She pulses like a heart on my hill.
The moon snags in her intricate nervous system.
I am excited, seeing it there.
It is like something she has caught for me.
The night is a blue pool; she is very still.
At the center she is still, very still with wisdom.
The moon is let go, like a dead thing.
Now she herself is darkening
Into a dark world I cannot see at all.
----Sylvia Plath, fragment
--------------------------------------------------
Chapter 6 - My soul's shattered dreams
--------------------------------------------------
"Yo Asapin."
Yukino called me over to where she and Arima were lounging on a bench outside the mall. Arima glared at me as I wandered over. Just to spite him I flung my arms around his neck and nuzzled his cheek.
"ARIMA!!!"
"HEY! CUT IT OUT!" He yelled, disgusted.
Yukino looked daggers at me. They were both mad at me already. Not a bad start to the morning.
"Sigh. Arima is soooo boring." I teased with a show of hurt pride. He ignored me.
"Hentai." Yukino poked me. I looked offended. "Hey, it's guy stuff. You wouldn't understand." I said, throwing my arm back around Arima's neck for emphasis.
He gave me a dry look. "Neither would you. Since when were you a man?"
For Arima, guy stuff meant as minimal physical contact as possible. Sigh. So conservative for someone so young! How tragic.
"OHO, I'm the manliest guy I know!" I smirked, flipping open my shirt and stroking my manly chest. I wiggled my hips and struck a sexy pose to prove the point. The maniacal grin pasted all over my face only served to enhance the effect.
They both gaped. Really! I mean you'd think they would be used to it by now. Guess some folks just can't be helped.
"Umm, Asapin.." Yukino muttered with her hand over her mouth. "you're uh.. fly is undone."
Oops. That wasn't meant to happen. Oh well, I zipped up my flares and decided to take it in stride. I sidled up and nudged her.
"Trust you to notice, Yu-ki-no - chan." I husked in her ear. She blushed from ear to ear and started stammering.
Aha! Hideaki scores. The undefeatable Miyazawa was struck speechless. It was priceless. Arima, however wasn't impressed. He smacked me on the head and put his arm around Yukino possessively.
"Baka." He said and gave me his 'Look of Doom.'
I didn't miss the warning. Went a little too far that time. For the most part Arima put up with my nonsense because he knew I was just kidding but being the jealous guy he was, he would only tolerate so much. Flirting with his girlfriend was way out of line. If I weren't careful he'd give me another whacking out of Miyazawa's sight. These damned instincts of mine will get me killed one day.
I sighed inwardly and my previous high spirits dropped. I hadn't forgotten the belting he gave me yesterday for offering to take Yukino swimming in the holidays. The cheek where he hit me still stung. That had been a warning too.
That was why we were here anyway. In about an hour, Arima would meet up with the Kendo club at the train station and head off for the National competitions in Tokyo. There to spend the better part of the holidays working up a sweat hitting other guys with sticks. I just love kendo.
"Hey guys, I'm gonna go check out the CD's."
I decided I'd better leave them alone for a bit to get in a last bit of gooshy romantic stuff before Arima hit the road. Yukino had been getting that big-eyed, clingy look. I think she might have been a bit anxious about not seeing her precious Arima for over a month.
"Besides, all the other babes will get jealous if I only hang around with you two." I smirked over my shoulder, pasting a lecherous look on my face.
Arima flashed me a grateful look as I sauntered off into the mall and out of view.
I wandered around the music shops for a while, absently browsing the CD collections. I wasn't really looking for anything in particular. Mostly I just wanted give the two lovebirds outside some time alone. A new album by Angel Tai caught my eye and I asked the shop guy if I could listen to it.
About half an hour later I noticed Arima standing outside the shop. I bought the CD I had been listening to and walked over. Miyazawa wasn't with him.
"She's gone to get some drinks." He responded to my raised eyebrows. He looked serious. Maybe he was going to give me that whacking after all.
"Look man, you know I wasn't serious before." I apologized. "I was just being me. No offence man."
Arima unconsciously registered a grimace before sighing. "I know.. sometimes I just can't help it"
"You're going to kill yourself with all that worry. She can take care of herself, you know."
"Yeah.. I guess so. It's just that I don't know what I'd do if.."
"If what? If she ran off with another guy?" I interrupted before he could get too far with the self-pity kick. "It's not gonna happen, man. When are you going to realize that? She loves you, she's not just going to go jump in the sack with the nearest pervert, trust me. And while you're at it, trust her a bit too, Ok?"
"I..Ok."
"Good boy." I cracked. "You'll be a real man before you know it."
Arima blushed.
"Uh.. yesterday I.. uh.. well.. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry." He was stammering and looking down. He looked nervous. I decided now wasn't the time to crack jokes.
"Don't worry about it." I said.
"Um, Yesterday you.. uh.. said something about looking out for Miyazawa and I.. well I was wondering.. If you wouldn't mind.. that is.."
So that's what this was about. In actual fact I had boldly declared that I would single-handedly keep all aspiring creeps from bothering his girlfriend. I hadn't expected him to take me up on my offer. Sigh; there goes the trust, in one ear and out the other.
But then, it was one thing to tell him that Mizazawa could take care of herself (more than likely embedding any aspiring weirdo into a nearby patch of concrete) and quite another to make him believe it.
"Why are you asking me?" I questioned.
He looked away. "I guess I know that.. you.. and her.. wouldn't.. I mean.. I know you're only teasing and.." He looked up at me again. "I know you aren't really as big a playboy as you let on."
So he did know.
These moments of vulnerability in Arima, this was what our friendship was built on. This was what kept me wanting to be around him, to be there for him. That he would show these parts of himself to a guy like me, things that he would never let anyone else know about. In these moments he showed me his soul and I treasured them more than anything else.
I smiled at him and put my hand on his shoulder, becoming serious for a moment.
"Don't worry about it. She'll be there for you when you come back. No one will touch her, I promise."
He smiled back weakly and then leaned his head on my shoulder, suddenly no more than a frightened child. I patted his back, trying to give him as much strength as I could. I was worried for my friend. Without Miyazawa around, he often seemed a different person. I hoped he could last a month without her.
He looked up, looking lost and tired and terrified.
"I promise." I repeated, not letting my worries show.
Relief showed briefly in his eyes and his head fell once more onto my shoulder. His reply was barely audible.
"T-Thank you."
* * *
After Arima disappeared for the summer, life got a bit lonely. I hadn't really been aware of how much I had relied on him for companionship. It kind of shocked me when I thought about it. I found it pretty weird that he had taken such a large place in my life.
The first few weeks I spent a little time with Yukino and her friends. Had to keep up my promise after all. Couldn't have any weirdo's trying to pick up the precious Miyazawa. Of course, the most assistance I was likely to give if that happened was picking up their pieces. Not that I told Arima, but I was more worried about keeping his girlfriend from manslaughter charges than I was about anything else. Have to save innocent weirdoes from themselves. Well, themselves and an angry Miyazawa.
But that's not the point. The point was that I was on a mission, not there to get to know Maho better.
No, of course not.
Yukino's friends were a strange bunch but surprisingly fun to hang out with. I didn't get a chance to hang out too much, Miyazawa was set on 'Girl time' for the most part, but the few times I was allowed to tag along, they each made clear impressions.
The time we went to the movies was a prime example of how this group interacted. We had embarked on our mission to the theatre to check out a re-showing of 'Akira Kurosawa's Dreams.' And with Yukino in charge, that's exactly what it was. A mission.
Anything not directly related to fun was quickly and effectively quashed by the all to familiar 'Miyazawa Grin' complete with a 40 story battle aura to back it up. I'll really have to learn how she does that one day! Imagine the effect a 40 story Asaba would have on the world. Talk about teen idol.
Maho grumbled off to get the tickets as we entered the theatre. I wondered exactly where she fit into this group of girls. It was almost like she didn't want to even be here. We hadn't talked at all since she became friends with Yukino. I still couldn't understand how that happened. But then Maho was lonely, any fool could see that and ... well, Yukino was just Yukino. She'd talk you into anything before you could even muster a reply.
I looked over at the other girls. Such a mixed bunch. Rika was busy eyeing a 'Mononoke Hime' poster and trying to convince Aya to go see it with her. Wasn't having much luck by the look of it. Aya seemed more interested in a weird foreign film called 'Bound.'
Despite the arguing, they both had smiles on their faces and Aya used Rika's pleas as an excuse to throw an arm around her neck and ruffle her hair. Rika glared at her but it didn't hold any malice. She looked kinda flattered actually. Sometimes I wondered about those two. During the whole time I had known them I had never seen one without the other more than five meters away. Maybe they were..
Nah. What would I know?
My attention wandered around the cinema complex. It had been put up fairly recently and was nicely fitted out. There was an arcade, a row of small snack bars, a few coffee shops, a couple of gorgeous chicks, a nursery and...
Whoa. A couple of gorgeous chicks. Independent of any conscious thought, the Asaba magnet whirled into action. Before I had even completed the thought I had walked over and was about to introduce myself. Elapsed Turnabout Time 1.03 seconds. Old habits die hard.
They saw me approach and their eyes did a casual once over then lit up with interest. I smiled. No challenge. I should change my name to Bond.
"Hey guys, what are you here to see"
Huh?
"Hi, I'm Tsubaki Sakura and this pervert is Asaba but you needn't worry about him." Sakura continued, giving me a slap on the back that sent me reeling and crumpled my perfect style like a sledgehammer on a meat-bun.
The interest drained out the girls eyes and they turned to the newcomer. DAMMIT! She did it again. That's the third time this week. I was going to have watch out for this girl. Yukino certainly did attract the weirdoes. I walked off to nurse my wounded pride.
I figured I'd have a chat with Tsubasa for a bit while we were waiting for the show to start. After all, she had spent the entire morning glaring at Aya and Sakura so I figured I'd be safe in her presence. Besides, I had been planning on talking with her anyway. Arima's psuedo-sister had been a tad distant lately and I wanted to see if she was doing ok after losing him to Miyazawa..
Unfortunately, to my consternation, Yukino had taken the liberty to give her a 'don't go near that perverted Asaba' lecture and shushed me off as I approached. Damn, seems to be a going trend. I mean, come on! Am I THAT bad?
I gave an outraged "Heeeeyyyyy?" but she ignored me and handed Tsubasa a wad of cash, donated by Sakura and Aya. Was it just me or did they look a bit shamefaced as they forked over? What was that about Totaros?
Tsubas, giggling adorably, accepted the cash and bounced to to devour roughly seventy percent of the candy section, just as.. adorably. Judging from her appetite I guessed she couldn't be that depressed after all. Looks like I'll have to talk to her another day.
It was just as well. At that moment Maho came back with the tickets, complaining that the next show didn't have enough seats left so she'd had to get tickets for the one after which didn't start till three. It was about a quarter of two now so we had just over an hour to kill.
Before I could blink I was in the process of being whisked off to the nearest clothing store by Aya and Rika. Apparently they had decided that my 'designer' clothes must have been designed by Elton John and I needed a woman's touch. Can't imagine why. Never saw anything wrong with purple shirts and silver jeans myself. I said as much and withered under their combined glare. So what if it was a paisley shirt?
It wasn't that I was about to start complaining though. Unless it's your mother, being fussed over isn't exactly an unpleasant experience.
I looked over my shoulder as I was being dragged off by my self-appointed fashion consultants. Sakura was happily chatting with the girls from earlier and Tsubasa was still occupied with candy. Figuring they were alright by themselves, we left them there.
Maho on the other hand had been collared and glared at by Yukino for being 'Not fun' and was protesting while being similarly dragged away to play the latest martial art video game at the arcade. Since she realized that Arima was actually good enough at Kendo to get into the Nationals, she'd gotten a bizarre fascination with the fighting arts. Her competitive spirit was not about to just go away it seemed.
At least she hadn't decided to take karate lessons or anything like that just yet. I don't think any of us could have handled that.
Their conversation drifted back.
"Hey Maho, over here!"
"What! Why this one?"
"Don't tell me it's too hard for you?"
"OF COURSE IT ISN'T!"
"ALRIGHT! LETS PLAY!"
".. .. .."
"Wheee. DIE DIE DIE!!"
"Why meeeee!"
Aya, Rika and I stopped and looked at each other, trying to ignore the collective stares and dead silence that accompanied Yukino and Maho's departure.
"Shameful!" voiced Rika.
"Totally!" agreed Aya
They suddenly noticed me again.
Their eyes lit up. Ahh! The pressures of being beautiful.
"Brown suede!"
"Grey scarf!"
"Black jeans!"
"Sunglasses!"
"Ohh, a beret!"
We forgot about the movie totally.
* * *
I was sitting in the park near the mall waiting for Yukino and the other girls to arrive. We had decided to go out for dinner and karaoke afterwards. Yukino and Co. were late.
Just my luck. Here I am twiddling my thumbs in this park while she's probably whining to Arima on the phone. She's been going on about him all summer. She said he went off to some Kendo training camp or some such.
I wish she'd give the pining a rest though. It's all I hear these days. God, I hope I never get that pathetic.
And what the hell was with Asaba these days? Since Arima left he's latched onto her like a limpet. Maybe he got bored and decided to tag along. I suppose he must miss Arima. They'd gotten pretty close last term. That is one weird friendship. No stranger than Yukino and mine though. She told me about the whole 'Merryland' thing. I think Asaba might have mentioned it too.
Sigh. Why can't I stop thinking about that guy?
He has been hanging around a lot these days. Watching over Yukino it seems. Arima must have pulled him for guard duty. What does she see in that guy? He's the most neurotic obsessive I've ever met.
Still, Asaba's macho act is kinda comical. It does get on Yukino's nerves though. I wish she'd just tell him to get lost. I really don't need this right now. Not after that whole baring souls episode.
Why did I tell him? I mean, Asaba Hideaki of all people. Life sure is strange. Half of the stuff I told him I haven't even mentioned to Takashi. He 'is' supposed to be my boyfriend.
But then, what am I going to say. Hey honey, your girlfriend's got problems, sit down and listen up. Yeah right. It's hard enough measuring up as an adult as it is. Why did I tell her all that stuff about being in love? I feel like an idiot. Like I would know about that stuff.
Why are people so strange?
I used to think Asaba was a moron. Why does what he said change that?
What is different about him?
We haven't spoken since then. Why am I avoiding him?
I was saved from becoming too morbid by Yukino's arrival.
"Hey Maho!"
"Oh Hi! Where are the others?" I replied.
I was hoping that they would not be able to come. Despite Yukino's assurances, I never felt too comfortable among the other girls. I wasn't too sure they had forgiven me for the past. Tsubaki had just about punted me across the half the country when I first started hanging out with them. I still had bruises.
"They said they'll be here soon." She exclaimed to my disappointment. "Oh and Asaba's coming along this time too."
"WHAT?" I shouted before I could help it.
"Don't worry, I'll make sure he behaves himself. Besides, I think he's a little lonely now that Arima's not here."
"Great." I muttered. "So you inflict him on us."
Ok, so I was being a little unfair. Despite him being Yukino's friend and now apparently personal watchdog, I know a lot more about him than she does. Asaba isn't such a bad guy at all. I still blush occasionally when I remember how he must have carried me onto the train after I fell asleep at the restaurant. Of course I wasn't about to tell her that. It was hard enough to deal with as it was. I don't need my new friend getting involved.
Before too long the others arrived and we started heading off for dinner. Asaba had adhered himself to Yukino and was teasing her about Arima. 'I will deal with this!' I thought to myself. I sighed and trailed behind alongside Tsubasa. As I watched him walking ahead with Yukino, I tried hard not to think about how handsome and relaxed he was.
I don't think I was too successful. Tsubasa kept giving me strange looks.
"What are you looking at?" She teased.
"Nothing!"
"It wouldn't be that tight pair of jeans up ahead would it, hmm?"
I sighed and handed her the chocolate bar I had been saving.
"Thanks."
"Shut up."
* * *
Karaoke was a lot of fun. I sang the theme song to the movie Titanic to everyone's obvious enjoyment. I sat down to a warm round of applause while Tsubasa burst into 'Moonlight Densetsu.'
Talk was relaxed as we continued though a varied mix of songs. Rika and Aya did a duet of something by Puffy and Sakura followed them up with "Fly me to the moon."
Just to spite me, Yukino sang 'Yesterday once more' by the Carpenters. Her English was much better than mine.
"Show off!" I muttered with a show of hurt. When it was my turn again I unbuttoned my shirt and gave an extremely sexy version of "I'm too sexy." When I finished, I buttoned up my shirt and raised my eyebrows and at her daring her to do the same.
"Your turn." I smiled sweetly.
She refused to tempted. What a pity. Still if Miyazawa unbuttoned her shirt and Arima ever heard about it..
Oh well, some things just aren't meant to be.
"Such a good little girl!" I smirked and moved off to sit next to Maho.
Ok Asaba, this is it. Time to break the ice. No more of this awkward stuff. She's a girl. No, scratch that. Sheep. Yeah. Think shepherd. Use the force.
Mojo doesn't work on this girl.
It'll work. Don't worry. Mojo always works.
My mouth refused to form words. It obviously didn't believe a word that my brain was telling it.
Maho glanced over and caught me staring.
Uh oh. Better say something. I smiled at her.
"Uh..could you pass the peanuts."
She passed me the peanuts.
I slumped. All the 007 in me died. That was not cool.
Very not cool.
"Oh man! Bond has deserted me."
Maho gave me weird look and got up to sing "Give a reason."
Oops. Didn't mean to say that out loud.
* * *
I was walking back from Yukino's place with Asaba. With customary impudence, she had enlisted him as my 'bodyguard.' It couldn't have come a worse time, I thought.
Tsubaki and the other girls had left early, Sakura citing volleyball practice and Aya saying she had a column to write. Rika had gone with Aya for 'moral support' and Tsubasa had been collared by Sakura on the pretext of animals needing to be locked up at night.
Yukino, Asaba and I had stayed for a few more songs, none of us really to give up for the night. Yukino was obviously still pining after Arima and kept crooning out the old love ballads while Asaba had his 'protect Yukino' mission. I had stayed because Yukino needed company for those last few songs and she said Asaba didn't count.
Eventually we all got tired of singing and began to wander homeward. We arrived at Yukino's house and stopped to say our goodbyes. I was just about to take my leave when she spoke.
"Hey Asapin. Be a good boy and walk Maho home."
Whoa. Don't do this.
"No, it's ok. It's only a few blocks away. I'll be fi.."
"Don't be silly." She cut me off. "You'll do it won't you Asapin." She threw a pointed look his way.
Uh oh. An order. When you're around the girl at school you quickly learn to recognize that tone of voice. She wasn't about to be gainsaid. Oh boy! Just what I needed.
Asaba took it in stride. "Yes Maam!" He gave her a salute.
"Baka. Now get going before I make you do push-ups." She barked, whacking him and playing along.
"Yes Maam!" He gave another salute and ushered me off before she could smack him again.
Yep. Just what I needed. I threw a nasty look skyward and resigned myself to my fate.
* * *
The night was warm and the cicada's gave a comforting background buzz. I wasn't feeling very relaxed though. I was.. well, what was I? Nervous. Embarrassed maybe? I wasn't even sure.
There was a weird silence. Neither of us had spoken since leaving the Miyazawa place. It was like there was some barrier between us that I couldn't define. Some awkwardness.
Since that last time..
I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't think I ever would. Some things are never easy.
I needed to break the silence. It was getting unbearable. I wanted to say something, anything, let him know that I wasn't a stupid little girl, that I didn't hate him, that I wanted him to be.. a friend. I wanted to say this and a million other things but they wouldn't come.
God, what a moron he must think I am.
I glanced over at him, looking for anything, a clue of something to say perhaps. Asaba was walking where he had been the whole time, a step behind to the right like he had taken his role as my bodyguard a bit too seriously. He seemed a lot paler in the moonlight. He was looking at me, had been the whole way. I wondered just what was going through his mind.
"Stop looking at me like that!" I snapped, strained by the prolonged silence and his reluctance to speak.
"Huh"
It was almost as if..
"I can't take this. What's with the staring? Do you like me; is that it? You look like you're about to kiss me. Why are you being so weird?" I blurted. "If you're going to do something then do it!"
* * *
"You look like you're going to kiss me."
"If you're going to do something then do it!"
What did she just say?
My face blazed in shame. I realized that I had been staring at her the whole time we had been walking. She thought I wanted to kiss her? Did it look like that? Did I actually want to? Did she want me to?
Questions raced through my brain but I didn't have any answers to any of them. I don't know what I wanted. What was it about this girl? Why did my confidence fall to pieces whenever I was around her? Why did I never know what to say? I barely knew her at all.
But I wanted to.
Did I want to kiss her? I.. I wasn't sure. I felt relaxed when I was around her, comfortable even but nervous at the same time. I felt like I didn't need to act around her, but when I wasn't acting I didn't know what to do.
Was acting all I knew how to do? Was there anything behind the carefree mask I wore? Was that all I was?
NO, DAMMIT!
Behind the face there was..
..me.
I needed to prove it to her. Needed to tell her I wasn't just a pretty face, that I wasn't worthless. I wanted to let her know that I wasn't just a soulless idiot with a tan and a flashy smile.
(You look like you're going to kiss me.)
I didn't know what else to do.
So I kissed her.
* * *
He didn't say anything for a long time. Must have freaked him out with that remark about him wanting to kiss me. Great. Just fantastic, Maho. Another conversation killer.
God I'm stupid. Now he'll probably never talk to me again.
I really ought to write a book. 'How to distance people: A guide to self-alienation' by Izawa Maho.
Why not? Aya would be proud.
I sighed inwardly. Why did I feel so exposed with this guy around? How did he make me say things without thinking? I suppose I'd better say sorry before he thinks I'm a complete idiot.
I was about to apologize when he kissed me.
* * *
I leaned over and pressed my lips against hers. She didn't resist. My mind was a blur and nothing was registering except the need to let her know what I was thinking. I poured my frustrations into the kiss as if to somehow receive answers to the questions I had been unable to voice directly from her breath.
The world blacked out..
Her lips.. so soft.
I was barely aware when she started kissing me back.
And then it was there again, the connection we had shared that day in the restaurant was back and I could feel her again, could remember just who and what she was. I hadn't been aware that I was missing it.
It was..
..real.
The real Maho. Her thoughts, feelings, wants, fears. I could taste them on her breath.
I opened my eyes and caught her looking back at me.
That was when the spell broke. Reality washed into my head bringing with it an awareness of what I was doing.
Ummm.. Did I just do that?
She stepped back, fear and uncertainty taking over her features.
"I.. uh.. I.." she whisped.
Then before I could say anything to repair the situation, she turned and ran.
I watched vacantly as she fled around the corner and out of sight. One word sprang instantly to mind to describe the situation.
"Fuck!" I said.
No. That wasn't right. I walked over to the wall and kicked it. No, still not right.
I slammed my head against the wall. Yeah, that was it.
"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUCCKKK!!!" I shouted, ramming my head into the wall each time.
* * *
He kissed me. Why did he do that? Words haunted me.
'You look like you're going to kiss me?'
'If you're going to do something then do it!'
It was just an offhand remark. I hadn't meant for him to actually do it.
Just an off the wall remark.
I was hyperventilating. I could hardly breathe.
Whoa! Calm down. Ok Maho, review the facts.
One: I can't breathe.
I've been running for about ten minutes now. It's natural. On to two.
Two: Asaba kissed me.
Well, guys are weird. They do weird macho stuff. Comes with the territory. Probably just a momentary thing. Besides, it was 'Asaba!' He probably does that kind of stuff all the time.
Three: I kissed him back.
O-k.. .. Not so easy.
It doesn't matter. I didn't mean it. Got a bit caught up in the moment. It's not like it means anything. It was just a kiss. Anyway, he kissed me first. That's what you do when someone kisses you.
Four: I liked it.
So. Everyone likes kissing. It's not like he's ugly.
ARRRGGGGGHHHHHH!
I love Takashi dammit, not Asaba. Why am I kissing him?
ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!
Ok. Relax. Breathe in, breathe out. Cold. Ice. Soul of ice.
Right.
So Asaba and I kissed. Once. No big deal. It was innocent. Harmless. Spur of the moment and all that. So what if it was nice. Kissing Takashi is nice too. Kissing in general is nice.
You can deal with this, Maho.
Sure I can.
I just need to go see Takashi. That's it. I need to see Takashi right now.
Right now.
I turned and headed in the direction of his house. This just wasn't my day.
* * *
I was running, running from everything.
I remember what had caused it. It stood out in my mind like a neon sign, every nuance glowing with an obscene and somehow unnatural light.
Takashi....
And another.
They....
'NO! FORGET IT!'
....in bed.
'FORGET IT!'
Kissing....entwined together....
'IT WAS A DREAM, A MISTAKE, IT WASN'T REAL!'
He was....
She was....
'THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!'
Naked....
'NO!'
....together.
'NO!!!!! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!'
They couldn't! They wouldn't!
{They did.}
No! I won't believe it!
{You must!}
I won't!
{You must! You cannot deceive yourself.}
I can. It was just a mistake. It wasn't what it looked like. There's another explanation!
{Like what?}
He loves me!
{Are you sure?}
I....I....
{Are you sure?}
YES!!! I mean I.....of course....he uhh....
{Does he really love you?}
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!
{Does he really love you?}
The world was spinning, around and around me. This wasn't real. It couldn't be. It was a dream. It had to be a dream!
{Then why can't you wake up?}
I will. In a minute I'll wake up in my bed and it will all be just a bad dream.
{Go on then}
But I can't. Why can't I wake up? What's happening?!!!!!
{You already know}
Who are you?!!!
{You know that as well}
WHAT?!! I don't.... What are you talking about?
{You know me very well. You created me.}
No!
{You did. You put me on every morning. You hide behind me.}
I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!
{I am your protection, your shelter}
Wh-wh-w.... I....
{I am you}
No... You can't....
{I am the mask you created, the replacement for your soul when things are too difficult.}
That's crazy!
{It's not. Everyone does it. Only you far more than most.}
I don't believe you!
{It doesn't matter}
Leave me alone!!
{Is that what you really want?}
I....I....I don't know. I don't understand.
{How can you not understand? He has betrayed you.}
No! He loves me!
{How can you know that?}
He told me!
{People lie.}
He wouldn't....
{Are you sure?}
I....
{You see! You cannot ever know what others truly feel.}
But...
{Others may tell you things but you cannot always believe them.}
That's not....
{People can deceive. They can be cruel. You have done it yourself.}
NO!
{You have. There have been many times.}
No.... I'm not....
{What about your classmates? Kei? Chisa? Reiko? Mutsumi? Akemi?}
But.... But....
{Asaba.}
I..I didn't mean.. It was a mistake.. Just a kiss. It didn't mean anything!
{What about Yukino?}
No.... I....
{You lied about her.}
SHE DESERVED IT!!!
{Did she? Truly? Do you really believe that?}
I....I....
{You know that's not true. She is your friend now. She is kind to you. She has always been kind to you. Even when you hated her.}
I....I....I know.
{You cannot blame this on others. It has been your fault all along. You have created this situation for yourself.}
NO! I didn't make Takashi sleep with another woman.
{But you gave him reasons to.}
No.
{You were cold to him. You have ignored him, yelled at him, you only seek him out when you need him. It has been so all along.}
No. I was happy with him. I slept with him.
{That does not make him belong to you. You only slept with him because 'you' wanted to. No one has forced you. You have taken him for granted. You have only spent time with him when 'you' wanted to. All the other times you have ignored him.}
B-but....
{You have been cold and careless. That is why he has sought out another.}
Why me?
{You have brought this on yourself.}
I wish I were dead.
{Are you really so weak?}
I just don't know anymore.
END CHAPTER 6
Author's Note: Well, that's Chapter 6 done. Slumps into deckchair exhausted.
But seriously, apologies it took so long. Real life has an annoying habit of intruding where it shouldn't, particularly my free time. But I'm not dead, still writing, This will be finished one day, Bwahahahaha.
Be a nice reader and let me know what you think. If you already did.. Thanks! Keep it up.
Next time: Chapter 7 - The Looking Glass Broken
All for now folks.
Later
Cheshire Grin
Wheresmyspoons@yahoo.com