Kareshi Kanojo No Jijou - But I Stood In The Background
A KareKano Fanfiction By Cheshire Grin
[Disclaimer: I don't own Kare Kano. Tsuda Masami and other people do. Get used to it.]
Chapter 7: The looking glass broken.
"Birds always grow silent before the night descends.
'Cause nature has a funny way of breaking what does not bend."
~Jewel~
* * *
What's happening to me? I should feel something, right? Anything.
Anger. Hate.
Why don't I hate him?
Of course the roof wasn't giving me any answers. Not that I was really expecting it to.
Why don't I hate him?
He cheated on me, betrayed me. I should hate him. I should be angry with him. I should feel..
Something.
Why do I feel nothing? Not even any tears this time. I guess I must have used them all up lately.
Sigh. Who am I kidding? How can I hate him when I never really loved him in the first place? It's a wonder that I never figured it out until now.
Story of my life.
Stupid me, huh? Mistaking comfort for love. But then, I'm not surprised. Par for the course and all that. I wonder how long I've been stupid?
How long have I locked my heart away? How long since I stopped hearing it?
But most of all..
How long since I forgot how to open it?
I feel like I'm falling.
A shell. It walks, talks, smiles but doesn't feel.
All that's left of the 'real' Maho. Maybe this is what they mean by out of body experience?
Last time I thought I had lost everything.
Stupid me.
Falling.
I feel nothing.
No, not true. I still feel one thing,
I feel afraid.
Afraid that maybe this time I won't be able to put myself back together.
* * *
"Hey guys! This is Tonami Takefumi. He used to attend here a few years ago, and he just transferred back. Is it okay if he eats with us?"
I quit staring at the newcomer Arima was introducing and proceeded to stare at Arima himself. This was well.. weird. Since when did Arima start inviting guys to eat with us? Especially GUYS. This was new. Usually he'd never let another guy near the precious Miyazawa Yukino. I wonder if in his mind, Arima actually considered me a 'guy'? I looked back at Tonami.
The guy was obviously tailor-made for playing sport. Tall, somewhat thin but sinewy and well-built. Smart too if he was the Tonami who placed equal first with the genius couple on the last grade listing. All the girls are checking him out too. I guess he's gonna be pretty popular. I snuck a few glances over at Yukino. Yep. Her too. Not too much, just an almost casual appraisal, nothing more than a sideways peak and a slight smile but it was there. Yeah, this Tonami's gonna be a hit. Just what I needed. More competition. I realized a second later that I really hadn't been competing much lately.
While we all carried on with the usual antics, teasing, bickering, Yukino and I badgering and then force-feeding Arima, Tonami kept quiet, reserving his participation to the occasional incredulous glance and Yukino and myself and ones of awe at Arima. Looked kinda surprised that Arima put up with us. Well, what can I say, we're an acquired taste.
It was obvious that this new guy was far more interested in Arima than his girlfriend. Maybe he idolized him in junior high or something. Kind of weird but at least he wasn't a threat. Yet.
Beep. Down radar.
By the time we'd finished feeding Arima his lunch, to his acute embarrassment of course, things had quieted down a bit. Tonami was still doing the 'newbie scared to speak' thing so I figured I'd do him a favor. With my best ingratiating grin pasted on my face, I leaned over and snagged the last fried shrimp from his bento and popped it into my mouth. In a matter of seconds the dumbstruck look left his face.
"HEY!" he shouted, obviously nonplussed.
Wow. He speaks! Wonders never cease.
"Pretty good!" I mentioned with a show of noisy chewing.
"Really?", questioned Yukino. "I always thought that people who played a lot of sport were terrible cooks."
"Wha..?" Arima, star of the Kendo team, was indignant.
"Hey, Shut up!", yelled Tonami, looking slightly shamefaced. "Besides, my sister makes it."
"See, I was right!" Scoffed Yukino, helping herself to Tonami's bento. Unimpressed, he picked up his chopsticks and began defending it.
"The only decent cook among us is Asaba because he doesn't play sport." She continued.
Despite the truth of the statement, I found myself pondering the logic involved.
"True, true," I agreed, preening, "but Arima won't eat my food. He says he doesn't like food that's cooked by a man."
In an effort to demonstrate, I grabbed one of the egg-rolls I had made this morning and attempted to shove it down Arima's throat. Unsurprisingly he resisted. With a remarkably athletic wriggle he escaped and hid behind Tonami.
"I can feed myself, baka!"
"I guess you're right." I sighed, doing my best to look downhearted. Unseen, Yukino crept up behind him and grabbed his arms.
"What? Yukino.. What are you..?"
"But it's so much more fun this way!" I cried leaping forward.
"No.. wait! I don't want it!"
"Say 'aaaah'."
"NO! Hey!!!! That tickles!"
"Say 'aaaah'."
"AAARRRRRRGGGGGHH.ULP!!!"
"Good boy!"
Miyazawa and I grinned at each other.
"Violating someone is so much fun." She crowed helping Arima up and leaning her head on his shoulder as if to reassure. He put his hand behind his head and laughed sheepishly.
I can only agree.
Tonami just sat and gaped.
Taking advantage of his confusion, Arima leaned forward and pushed lightly on Tonami's forehead.
WHUMP. He fell backwards and we all laughed uproariously.
Looking slightly guilty, he picked himself up. Curiously enough he wasn't complaining. Eventually he joined in with our laughter.
I noticed that he was blushing.
Weird.
Hanging out with Arima was an exercise in social strategy. On the one hand, he needed a constant influx of praise, which coincidentally was why I figured he'd introduced this Tonami into our circle. Despite being perfect, Arima had such a lack of self-esteem that he simply needed admiration to feel worth something.
Perhaps Yukino was getting past that stage? Come to think of it, something had definitely been different between those two since starting back. Well, all fine and good, enter Tonami as the new pillar of confidence.
But on the other side of the fence there were a lot of pitfalls and taboo's. Better make sure the newbie is aware of them.
Lunch rolled on. I don't think anyone saw me frown under my cheerful smile.
* * *
My room. My sanctuary. A place I can escape to. Sometimes.
Not far enough though. I can still hear them arguing in the next room. About me of course.
"Akiko, her grades have dropped fifty points in the last month. It's not normal!"
Hmmpf. Not normal huh? Guess I can't argue with that.
"I'm worried about her too Honey but what can I do? She won't even talk to me about it."
What would you say if I did talk about it, Mother? What would you think?
"I hardly see her anymore. As soon as she gets home from school she just shuts herself up in her room. She doesn't even invite her friends over anymore. I don't think she even does any homework these days. Something's wrong."
How right you are Dad. A flash of unbidden guilt quickly shoved away. My one real friend too wrapped up in her dreams, studies and her boyfriend to notice what is happening to me. I haven't seen her outside of school in a week.
Oh yeah, and my homework, lying untouched on top of my dresser.
Pad, pad, pad. A brief knock on the door.
"Maho-chan? Are you alright, dear?
Just fine Mum. Never better.
The door opens a crack. I pretend that I'm asleep. Door closes. Pad, pad, pad.
The sound of my mother crying next door.
I feel nothing.
"It'll be okay, dear." My father trying to reassure her. "Come on, it's late. We'll talk about it in the morning."
Sound of my parents getting into bed. Click. Lights being turned off.
I don't know why I'm crying.
Half an hour later, the sound of creaks and stifled moans. A soft grunt. Husbandly reassurance.
"Akiko?" Softly.
"I'm sorry dear. Maybe.. maybe tomorrow night." My mother crying again.
The pillow over my head doesn't quite block it all out.
I'm tired.
I get up and walk over to my full-length mirror. The girl staring back at me has dark shadows under her eyes.
Who are you?
I feel old. Old and ugly.
'It's not normal.'
Ugly. Clench fist.
Sudden anger. My hand pulling back sharply then plunging forward, almost an unconscious action. It stops about five inches from the mirror. What am I doing?
I feel tired.
Unclench fist. My fingers hurt. Still nothing. Still tired. I turn the mirror around to face the wall and bury myself under my pillow again.
I can still hear my mother crying.
I wonder if she can hear me?
Sleep comes hours later. There are no dreams.
* * *
"Are you ok?"
He didn't say anything. Didn't have to I guess. I sighed and was about to take another swig of my soda when he collapsed against my back. A frail shell, all strength evaporated once more.
I forgot how frail he was. He weighed almost nothing.
Sigh, Arima.
He was quiet for a long time. I wonder just when he went and changed on me. He was never like this when I first knew him. But then, maybe he was. He just never let anyone see it. He'd been acting even stranger than usual lately though. Miyazawa had been acting odd too. I wonder if something happened between the two? Lovers spat or something. Who knows? Those two are so wound up that just about anything could set them off.
"Hideaki?"
"Yeah."
"The other day I.."
I kept quiet while he seemed to be searching for words. After a minute or two he went on.
"The other day I.. I slept with Yukino." Quietly, gravely. Very gravely.
Wow. Talk about unnecessarily dramatic. I closed my jaw and was about to say something but he didn't seem to be finished. I decided to shut up. From the tone of his voice, I guessed this was not the time to slap him on the back and bring out the sake.
"Hmm." I said. Noncommittal, that's me.
"It was good. I.. I really liked it. It felt.. whole."
"Whole?" I echoed not quite getting it.
"Yes. It made me feel wonderful, peaceful. I felt whole."
"That's nice." I put in, baffled. I was still trying to figure out why he was telling me this.
"We slept for a while after. Then she had to leave."
O..k.. huh?
"After she'd left I.. I felt terrible."
"Guilty?"
"No, no. I.. I realized something." He turned round to face me. " I NEED her."
"You love her?" I asked almost cringing at the word.
"I..I.." He was blushing furiously. "Yeah."
"So, why is that bad?"
"Because she doesn't need me." He grabbed my shoulders and looked right at me. "Dammit Hideaki, she doesn't need me. But I need her. I can't live with out her!"
His eyes were wet and a tear rolled down his red face. I hadn't seen him this worked up in a long time, if ever. He wasn't coping.
It suddenly struck me that he would never be able to cope. He would always be like this. Something deep in his past and in his makeup would never allow him to be satisfied with himself. Some wounds don't heal over. They leave a scar, something that won't go away. It's something you have to learn to live with.
Whatever wound Arima had on his soul, it wasn't something he'd ever be able to forget. It was something he was going ho have to learn to live with. And learning how to do that might take a long time. I hoped for his sake that the girl he had chosen understood that.
Of course these sudden realizations still gave me no idea about what to say to him.
"What am I supposed to do Hideaki?" He was verging on pitiful.
"You live." I told him. "Does it matter that much who likes who the most? Do you think she's going to leave you just because you need her more?"
He didn't say anything. Damn. I had to get this through. I grabbed him by the shoulders and looked him in the eye.
"Look man, the fact is it doesn't matter. She's not going to leave, is she? So you live. You look after her and you care for her and yeah, sure you feel bad..lonely when she's not with you but you go back to her and you hold her tightly so she doesn't leave."
"I.." he muttered. Oh no, I wasn't about to let him get away with any excuses this time.
"Shut up and listen. How the hell do you know she doesn't need you? She likes you, I know that. Otherwise she wouldn't hang around. But she doesn't do just that does she? She's always around you, wants to be around you. Whatever crap you're thinking doesn't matter. She loves you."
Oh man. That word again. Why do I have to say this?
Because if you don't he'll never stop moping, my mind intoned sarcastically. Oh well, might as well finish it. I'll cringe afterwards.
"She loves you. Did 'she' want to sleep with you?"
"..I.. uh.. yeah."
"And does she want to sleep with any other people?"
"I don't.. I.."
"DOES SHE?" I was shouting at him but he had to realize this.
"NO!"
"Well, I don't think Yukino is the shallow type, right?"
He shook his head.
"I doubt she'd ever sleep with anyone unless she really.. really loved them, am I right?"
"I.. uh. Yeah, you're right."
"So don't worry about crap like that, ok. Just have fun. Sure, when she's not around you'll get lonely, but that's all it is. She'll be back, understand?"
"Yeah. Yeah, maybe you're right."
Maybe huh? Well, better than not I guess. Please God. Please let me be right.
"Good, well just remember to come talk to me when you get like that and I'll kick some common sense into you ok?" I said gruffly, trying to regain my cool.
"Ok, sure." He replied, smiling for the first time that afternoon. I grinned back.
Arima you fool. You really are a fool. Why do I do this for you? What makes me want to protect you? Aren't you supposed to be 'my' father?
"Hey Hideaki?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you have anyone you.. really like?"
Oh crap! He's not supposed to say that.
"Well, I.. uh.. there's a lot of girls I like but well, not too many make me feel special. I guess I'm just waiting for someone who makes me feel special and who I can make feel the same way."
"Oh."
Yeah, being cryptic is the best way right now. Someone who makes me feel special huh? Yeah, maybe I've discovered that part. Someone I can make feel the same way? Well, that's the bit I'm not too sure about.
Not too sure at all.
I looked up at the sky and felt suddenly cold.
After a while we moved to the railing to look down at the grounds. I could see Yukino and her gang eating and arguing by the river. Arima spent the rest of the break staring at his girlfriend.
I didn't tell him but I spent it watching Maho.
* * *
Tell me how to love a heart that isn't even real,
Show me how to kiss with lips I simply do not feel,
If you want to know me, you must tear the flesh some more,
Not ever, not yet but I will forget, the things I say I live for.
For my own inherent greatness is made of glass,
And it will shatter; it will never come to pass,
Held down by something it has never known,
Myself, my mind, the soul I do not own.
Now why did I write that? How cliché. But then, all the ingredients are here. Depression, loneliness, apathy and one lost teenager. Add and stir and there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Instant bad poetry. Best served chilled.
Hell, it's even raining outside. How classic can you get?
Twelve years of school, with extra classes and top grades of course, and this bad poem is all I can show for it. Truly tragic, no?
Such talent put to waste, as my Grandmother always used to say. She's dead now. Been like that for over a year. Not that I was much broken up over it. She never did much except drink too much tea and watch television.
I never watch television. Mostly I just never had enough time between studies but even now, when I'm not working hard, I still don't bother. In- your-face advertising propaganda always tends to anger me a little.
Grandma liked it though. Watched all those trashy dramas too. Yukino likes those. Guess it figures. That girl is melodramatic to a fault. Something weird has been going on with her recently. She gets this whole starry-eyed thing going whenever she looks at Arima. I wonder if she slept with him or something. But no.. that can't be it. She'd tell me if that happened. I mean, I'm her best friend, right?
Sigh. Here I go again. I was writing about Grandma and wandered off. My concentration is shot to hell. I can't seem to keep a thought in my head for very long. My stomach hurts a lot too these days. And my hands.. I'm not really sure when they started shaking so much.
Grandma. I was talking about Grandma.
I used to argue with her all the time. I was really into coffee back then. As a student, these days especially, if you want to do well, you really need it. Well, I did anyway.
Grandma didn't like it. She still had a few traditional bones in her body and there must have been a really big tea-drinking one. Coffee was simply bad news according to her. I shouldn't drink it. She even told me once that it would make my hair fall out.
So we argued. Tea or coffee, which was better? A stupid thing to argue about. Sure.
She could never keep up with me of course. I was the top language student back then, could out argue just about anyone. Except my family. Arguing is about logic you see. Families rarely seem to use it.
I can still picture her, you know. Sitting on her chair with her twitch and her grimace, using the age-old tactics of elders everywhere.
"Maho! Don't talk back, child."
The last word always emphasized. Really! What can you say to that?
It never really bothered me when she died. She looked so much happier at the funeral. No twitches or grimaces. Her face was relaxed. No cane in her gnarled, old hand. She looked peaceful.
So yeah.. It never really shook me up at all. I pretended it did of course. To ease my parents minds and mostly just because I felt I was expected to. So I would look.. good, I suppose. Dutiful. I doubt I would have impressed anyone by remarking that the old troll looked a whole lot better dead than she did alive. At those sort of things, you are meant to cry.
I didn't cry. But I pretended to.
I think I'm rambling again. Doesn't matter really. I'm not even sure what I'm writing this down for. Or whom I'm writing it for.
To think I always prided myself on my writing skills.
To my future self, whom I hope will never read this;
Are you happy?
Do you.. love? Hate?
Do you feel?
You'll notice that this page has been torn out and taped back in. You see, I just ripped it out and threw it in my bin. I can't write for shit.
But then I thought, this is a piece of my mind and I guess that after all, no matter how bad it may be, I don't really want to throw it away because sometimes I feel that there's not that much left.
Nevertheless, I doubt you will ever find a reason to read this, future self. Twelve years of school and numerous essays aside, what it comes down to is that..
Well.. It's that I can't write for shit.
Funny. That's what everyone says I'm good at.
* * *
I caught up with Tonami a couple of days later in the hallway. His initial disapproval of Yukino had incited her to argument and before long the two had been at it constantly, both seeming to enjoy the conflict immensely. After he let us in on his revenge plans for Sakura and his past, he and Yukino had developed a bond. Arima's eyes had been gradually developing that dark possessiveness. After that time on the roof the other day.. I had the feeling this could blow up pretty soon.
Never fear, Hideaki Powers to the rescue.
I glanced around to see if Sakura was anywhere near. Due to her.. influence.. I had had to adopt a new persona. Bond simply didn't have enough mojo.
Luckily for me she was playing basketball. In fact Tonami might just be watching her from the hall window. Time to find out.
"What are you watching."
"Nothing."
"Sakura's pretty damn hot, huh?"
"Yeah.. I.. huh?" Tonami went red and glared at me. "It's not like that!"
Alright! Scores. This is perfect. I grinned up at him.
"Well then what 'were' you watching? Or should I say who?"
"Shut up. What do you want?" He growled at me.
"Woah.. Lighten up. Just kidding." This guy was 'way' too up tight. But.. better get down to business.
"You wanna be friends with Arima, right?"
"Well.. yeah. So what?"
"You're too close to Miyazawa."
".."
"You shouldn't be acting so careless around her. You might cause unwanted things, like pushing Arima into a corner. You see, the Arima you know isn't the real Arima."
"What are you talking about?"
"The real Arima hates it when someone, be it a boy or a girl, gets too close to her."
"Huh, Arima what..?"
"He really has a very intense personality.."
".."
"..and a VERY strong possessive attitude."
".."
"The only person Arima is truly himself with is her. ONLY her. He only allows me to be near her because he knows that I will never, EVER take her away from him."
"Haha.. oh..kay.. look, you're worrying too much."
"I don't think I'm getting through to you. It doesn't matter if you do or don't like her or whatever. What matters is that you pay too much attention to her."
"Hehe.. She's not my type, she's just a normal girl to me.."
"Look, I'm not trying to be an asshole here. Please.. leave Yukino alone. You like Sakura, right? No, don't bother denying it. You know what I mean. If you wanna hang out with a girl, hang out with her. Please."
"You're really serious!"
"Yeah.. I am. I've been looking out for Arima for a long time now. That's why I'm asking."
"So how come you can hang out with her?"
"Yeah, I can hang out, sure, but think for a bit man. Whenever that happens, just 'who' is the attention always directed at?"
"Yeah.. alright. Look I'm sorry if I've got in the way and all.."
"Don't worry about it. Already forgotten." Time to lighten this up a bit. It had been getting far too serious for my liking.
I patted his shoulder and grinned. "Of course, if you do it again I'll sign you up for the Kendo team as a practice dummy."
"Ok, ok, I get the point." He grinned back and the tension eased.
Crisis averted. All bow to the mighty Hideaki Powers! Bwahahahaha!
"Tell you what, the two lovebirds are gonna be busy doing responsible school things tonight. Why don't you buy me a coffee and I'll enlighten you a bit about Arima and the little lady."
"Hey! Why do I have to buy?" He protested scratching his head.
" 'Cause you're the newbie. And while we're at it you can tell me ALL about Sakura."
"WHAT?? There's nothing.."
His denial wasn't exactly very convincing. Ignoring his protests I led him off to grab a coffee. This was definitely worth cultivating. I grinned an evil grin. Yeah.. a good romance is just the right thing to get Sakura off my back.
Still, Tonami had better hurry up. That girl was beginning to have a serious effect on my mojo.
* * *
Today I saw Tsubasa at the arcade after school. Don't know why I stopped in there. Usually I just go straight home after school these days. But for some reason I stopped and she was there.
We had coffee. Well, 'I' had coffee. She had some soda concoction that was bright blue. I really shouldn't be surprised. She's mostly animal after all. She told me all about Kazuma. Went on and on. She couldn't seem to shut up.
It was just as well. I didn't really feel like talking.
Yeah, even the animal finds love. She seems almost happy now. Ok, so she's euphoric. Happy, euphoric. It's the same thing really. She really loves Kazuma. Any fool can see that. Especially this fool.
It would make a great parable or something. Beauty and the beast. The old cliché. Love heals all. How trite. I just can't bring myself to care.
Love. Hmmpf.
If it exists, what the hell would I know about it. I couldn't do the stuff that's expected. I'm not built like a princess. I couldn't be cute and kissy and stuff like that. I could never be helpless.
You see, I don't want to be helped.
Hell, I don't even know what I want. That's a good thought. What do I want? Riches? Beauty? A career? How about the old story, a loving husband and two cute kids?
Funny. I can't think of a single thing.
{Not ever, not yet}
Maybe, just maybe..
{But I will forget}
Do I want to die?
{The things I say I live for}
Not yet. Oh God, not yet.
Perhaps I should take up smoking.
* * *
SNAP
Sigh. Looking at the closed diary in front of me, I have to wonder why I bothered writing all that down. Like any future self would actually read that crap.
My parent's voices drift up. They're yelling again. They're worried about me. I wish they wouldn't worry. I wish they hadn't always loved and encouraged me. Looked after me. That way I could have blamed them. But as it is, it's not their fault that I'm unhappy.
I guess it must be mine.
I think I'll go for a walk now. I need to clear my head.
Maybe my mother's voice won't sound so nerve-wracked when I get back.
* * *
"Thanks for the coffee."
"Shut up."
"Tightass. Oh well, oughta head home."
"Asaba?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks."
"Don't mention it. See you later, man."
"OK, Later."
Tonami's really a good guy. Even if he is all hung up over that Sakura girl. Don't know what he sees in her but he's got it bad alright. That conversation went pretty late too. It's already dark.
Man, what a day! First Arima then Tonami. Am I turning into the love doctor or something? Dr. Asaba huh? I kinda like it.
So Arima slept with Yukino. That fact still hadn't quite seeped in yet. It was kinda hard to believe. No doubt about it though. Arima sure as hell would never lie about that kinda stuff. Not someone as straight-laced as him. Oh no!
The neurotic duo are now officially a couple. The scumbags even beat me to it. Better not let on to Yukino that she's got one up on me. Not that she'd ever suspect that I'm still a vir.. well yeah. I'd never hear the end of it. What a headache!
That reminds me, I should put some Asprin in my schoolbag when I get home.
To my empty home.
I probably could've crashed at Arima's tonight but.. Well, even the love doctor needs his rest, right?
Love doctor? Yeah right? Who am I kidding. Even a totally repressed guy like Arima had sex before I did. Hell, I bet Tonami will probably beat me to it as well. Probably Tsubasa too. Yeah, why not.
Still, it's no problem! It's not like I'm desperate or anything. I mean, I could have had sex with any number of girls before now. It's not like I've never had the chance. It's just that I.. couldn't.
Arima said it made him feel whole. I think I know what he meant. I always felt like I was only half a person, waiting for the other half. Waiting to be whole. I want to feel that. I want it more than anything.
But I don't think I could ever let anyone see me like that. That's why I've always looked so beautiful on the outside.
Because on the inside I feel ugly.
Woah. Calm down man. That's enough.. Right. Yeah. Cool. Focus.
Ok, so I'm lonely. I'll get over it.
Walk home, eat, sleep. Don't think.
Oh shit! It's started raining.
Ok, RUN home, eat, sleep.
No problem.
* * *
See! Even God hates me. Just my luck for it to start raining. Now I definitely can't go back.
Well, it's not like I really want to.
It's cold in here. I feel like a stupid kid. Crawling into the playground penguin slide to light up a cigarette. Still, at least it's dry. And empty.
Smoking. Why do people do it? It just makes my mouth dry. I don't think I've quite got the hang of it. Despite the small cluster of butts on the ground.
But I think I can understand. There's a certain kind of vicious pleasure in it. A sort of self-destruction. It feels comfortable in a way.
Well, better keep at it. I've still got more than half the pack left.
My fingers are shaking so much I can hardly light the damn thing.
I notice that two nails are broken. So much for vanity.
I feel so sick that I can't bring myself to care. Sure, I know what I'm really doing. I know I'm making myself sick on these damn things. I even know why. For something to blame of course. A reason to feel sick. But it's not working. After all, I the one stupid enough to smoke them.
It's still MY fault.
A steel clang. Someone is climbing the ladder. I don't care. I feel sick.
A sodden shape is climbing into my haven. It gives a soft curse and crouches next to me.
"Uh.. Hi." It offers.
Asaba.
Yep, God hates me alright.
"Maho?"
Oh God, leave me alone. Why can't everyone just leave me alone.
SMACK.
My hand? It hurts. He hit me.
"Why in hell are you SMOKING?" He looks mad. He's shouting.
"I..I..I'm sorry." Did I just say that. Why is he here? To laugh at me?
"Look, I uh.." He suddenly looks sheepish. "I didn't mean.."
"SHUT UP!" Sudden fury wells up. "JUST SHUT UP! I KNOW I'M STUPID. WHY DO YOU CARE? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Without even realizing it I am hitting him, over and over, shouting, punching, crying. I can't stop. He doesn't say anything, just lets me hit him.
The tears blur my vision and my fist misses his shoulder and hits the wall of the penguin. Without any warning my fury suddenly departs. What was I doing?
Sudden guilt. Shame. Stupidity.
I feel wretched. The tears continue. Why am I so stupid? Now he'll be angry. He'll hit me back. Part of me welcomes it. Contact of any kind..
God. Reality. I don't understand.
Something hurts but I can't figure out where it is. Or even what's hurting. I think I've curled into a ball but I can't see for all the tears. I might be expanding or contracting, I don't really know.
Oh God, I'm so scared.
* * *
Ok, this is not good.
'No shit.' My brain agreed with me. SHUT UP! I thought back at it.
Well, way to go there Asaba. The girl you fancy climbs up here to get out of the rain and you have to go smacking her around. So what if she was smoking? Yeah smoking is bad, sure, but what makes you her father.
IDIOT. IDIOT. IDIOT.
Yep, This is bad. Well, at least she got her own back. Man, that hurt. I'm gonna have bruises tomorrow.
Oh crap. Now what do I do? It's painfully.. very painfully obvious that something is wrong with Maho and now I've gone and made it worse. Just great. What a day!
Now she's crying. Way to go Moron!
Ok, Focus. Think. Gotta do something.
"Maho.. I..I'm sorry."
No response. This is bad.
Should I.. No she'd kill me. She must hate me now.
But.. She hates me.. I gotta do something.. but she'll.. so what, I deserve it if she does.. C'mon she's shivering!
Moving closer, I gently put my arm around her. "I'm sorry."
No change, she's still crying. Did she even notice?
Man, this is awkward.
With a loud sob she suddenly leant into my arm. Neither of us said anything for a long time.
"Is it still raining?" Softly, choking. I looked around.
"Yeah, it is." I answered, beginning to feel very uncomfortable.
"I.. I think I'm falling."
"I know. Me too." I said finally understanding.
"Don't let go." Pleading.
"Sure."
A long time passed. I looked like the rain wasn't going to stop anytime soon. I couldn't see anything outside the penguin. Looking down at Maho, I could see that she hadn't moved at all. Still curled up into my side. I wonder what it is I'm shielding her from.
Looking down again, I wonder if she can hear my heart.
"I.."
"Huh?" I muttered, not hearing her.
"I'm afraid."
"Yeah.. yeah, Me too."
Silence.
The rain didn't stop for what seemed like a long, long time.
END CHAPTER 7
Author's Note: Hahaha! I bet you all thought I was dead, huh? Go on, admit it. It's close enough. What with Uni, holidays and me just being plain old lazy (hehe, sorry!) I've been out of it for a long time.
But I'm back. After watching a little series called 'Pretear' I suddenly realised that I'd forgotten all about Maho for ages. So here is. Bwahahaha! 'But I stood in the Background Chapter 7' is finished.
BTW: Go and watch Pretear. It's an awesome show. Also, thanks so much for the reviews. I'm so glad someone reads this.
Thanks go out to my proofreaders Paul Corrigan and Jen "Chen Yingzhen" and also to assorted support personnel, Charlie, Jett, and Tytus Mak. God, I sound almost corporate. How scary.
Lastly, a great big sorry to anyone who has been waiting for this chapter. Gomen!
Next time: 'Chapter 8 - By love's stifled screams'.
Love and stuff,
Ja,
Cheshire Grin wheresmyspoons@yahoo.com
A KareKano Fanfiction By Cheshire Grin
[Disclaimer: I don't own Kare Kano. Tsuda Masami and other people do. Get used to it.]
Chapter 7: The looking glass broken.
"Birds always grow silent before the night descends.
'Cause nature has a funny way of breaking what does not bend."
~Jewel~
* * *
What's happening to me? I should feel something, right? Anything.
Anger. Hate.
Why don't I hate him?
Of course the roof wasn't giving me any answers. Not that I was really expecting it to.
Why don't I hate him?
He cheated on me, betrayed me. I should hate him. I should be angry with him. I should feel..
Something.
Why do I feel nothing? Not even any tears this time. I guess I must have used them all up lately.
Sigh. Who am I kidding? How can I hate him when I never really loved him in the first place? It's a wonder that I never figured it out until now.
Story of my life.
Stupid me, huh? Mistaking comfort for love. But then, I'm not surprised. Par for the course and all that. I wonder how long I've been stupid?
How long have I locked my heart away? How long since I stopped hearing it?
But most of all..
How long since I forgot how to open it?
I feel like I'm falling.
A shell. It walks, talks, smiles but doesn't feel.
All that's left of the 'real' Maho. Maybe this is what they mean by out of body experience?
Last time I thought I had lost everything.
Stupid me.
Falling.
I feel nothing.
No, not true. I still feel one thing,
I feel afraid.
Afraid that maybe this time I won't be able to put myself back together.
* * *
"Hey guys! This is Tonami Takefumi. He used to attend here a few years ago, and he just transferred back. Is it okay if he eats with us?"
I quit staring at the newcomer Arima was introducing and proceeded to stare at Arima himself. This was well.. weird. Since when did Arima start inviting guys to eat with us? Especially GUYS. This was new. Usually he'd never let another guy near the precious Miyazawa Yukino. I wonder if in his mind, Arima actually considered me a 'guy'? I looked back at Tonami.
The guy was obviously tailor-made for playing sport. Tall, somewhat thin but sinewy and well-built. Smart too if he was the Tonami who placed equal first with the genius couple on the last grade listing. All the girls are checking him out too. I guess he's gonna be pretty popular. I snuck a few glances over at Yukino. Yep. Her too. Not too much, just an almost casual appraisal, nothing more than a sideways peak and a slight smile but it was there. Yeah, this Tonami's gonna be a hit. Just what I needed. More competition. I realized a second later that I really hadn't been competing much lately.
While we all carried on with the usual antics, teasing, bickering, Yukino and I badgering and then force-feeding Arima, Tonami kept quiet, reserving his participation to the occasional incredulous glance and Yukino and myself and ones of awe at Arima. Looked kinda surprised that Arima put up with us. Well, what can I say, we're an acquired taste.
It was obvious that this new guy was far more interested in Arima than his girlfriend. Maybe he idolized him in junior high or something. Kind of weird but at least he wasn't a threat. Yet.
Beep. Down radar.
By the time we'd finished feeding Arima his lunch, to his acute embarrassment of course, things had quieted down a bit. Tonami was still doing the 'newbie scared to speak' thing so I figured I'd do him a favor. With my best ingratiating grin pasted on my face, I leaned over and snagged the last fried shrimp from his bento and popped it into my mouth. In a matter of seconds the dumbstruck look left his face.
"HEY!" he shouted, obviously nonplussed.
Wow. He speaks! Wonders never cease.
"Pretty good!" I mentioned with a show of noisy chewing.
"Really?", questioned Yukino. "I always thought that people who played a lot of sport were terrible cooks."
"Wha..?" Arima, star of the Kendo team, was indignant.
"Hey, Shut up!", yelled Tonami, looking slightly shamefaced. "Besides, my sister makes it."
"See, I was right!" Scoffed Yukino, helping herself to Tonami's bento. Unimpressed, he picked up his chopsticks and began defending it.
"The only decent cook among us is Asaba because he doesn't play sport." She continued.
Despite the truth of the statement, I found myself pondering the logic involved.
"True, true," I agreed, preening, "but Arima won't eat my food. He says he doesn't like food that's cooked by a man."
In an effort to demonstrate, I grabbed one of the egg-rolls I had made this morning and attempted to shove it down Arima's throat. Unsurprisingly he resisted. With a remarkably athletic wriggle he escaped and hid behind Tonami.
"I can feed myself, baka!"
"I guess you're right." I sighed, doing my best to look downhearted. Unseen, Yukino crept up behind him and grabbed his arms.
"What? Yukino.. What are you..?"
"But it's so much more fun this way!" I cried leaping forward.
"No.. wait! I don't want it!"
"Say 'aaaah'."
"NO! Hey!!!! That tickles!"
"Say 'aaaah'."
"AAARRRRRRGGGGGHH.ULP!!!"
"Good boy!"
Miyazawa and I grinned at each other.
"Violating someone is so much fun." She crowed helping Arima up and leaning her head on his shoulder as if to reassure. He put his hand behind his head and laughed sheepishly.
I can only agree.
Tonami just sat and gaped.
Taking advantage of his confusion, Arima leaned forward and pushed lightly on Tonami's forehead.
WHUMP. He fell backwards and we all laughed uproariously.
Looking slightly guilty, he picked himself up. Curiously enough he wasn't complaining. Eventually he joined in with our laughter.
I noticed that he was blushing.
Weird.
Hanging out with Arima was an exercise in social strategy. On the one hand, he needed a constant influx of praise, which coincidentally was why I figured he'd introduced this Tonami into our circle. Despite being perfect, Arima had such a lack of self-esteem that he simply needed admiration to feel worth something.
Perhaps Yukino was getting past that stage? Come to think of it, something had definitely been different between those two since starting back. Well, all fine and good, enter Tonami as the new pillar of confidence.
But on the other side of the fence there were a lot of pitfalls and taboo's. Better make sure the newbie is aware of them.
Lunch rolled on. I don't think anyone saw me frown under my cheerful smile.
* * *
My room. My sanctuary. A place I can escape to. Sometimes.
Not far enough though. I can still hear them arguing in the next room. About me of course.
"Akiko, her grades have dropped fifty points in the last month. It's not normal!"
Hmmpf. Not normal huh? Guess I can't argue with that.
"I'm worried about her too Honey but what can I do? She won't even talk to me about it."
What would you say if I did talk about it, Mother? What would you think?
"I hardly see her anymore. As soon as she gets home from school she just shuts herself up in her room. She doesn't even invite her friends over anymore. I don't think she even does any homework these days. Something's wrong."
How right you are Dad. A flash of unbidden guilt quickly shoved away. My one real friend too wrapped up in her dreams, studies and her boyfriend to notice what is happening to me. I haven't seen her outside of school in a week.
Oh yeah, and my homework, lying untouched on top of my dresser.
Pad, pad, pad. A brief knock on the door.
"Maho-chan? Are you alright, dear?
Just fine Mum. Never better.
The door opens a crack. I pretend that I'm asleep. Door closes. Pad, pad, pad.
The sound of my mother crying next door.
I feel nothing.
"It'll be okay, dear." My father trying to reassure her. "Come on, it's late. We'll talk about it in the morning."
Sound of my parents getting into bed. Click. Lights being turned off.
I don't know why I'm crying.
Half an hour later, the sound of creaks and stifled moans. A soft grunt. Husbandly reassurance.
"Akiko?" Softly.
"I'm sorry dear. Maybe.. maybe tomorrow night." My mother crying again.
The pillow over my head doesn't quite block it all out.
I'm tired.
I get up and walk over to my full-length mirror. The girl staring back at me has dark shadows under her eyes.
Who are you?
I feel old. Old and ugly.
'It's not normal.'
Ugly. Clench fist.
Sudden anger. My hand pulling back sharply then plunging forward, almost an unconscious action. It stops about five inches from the mirror. What am I doing?
I feel tired.
Unclench fist. My fingers hurt. Still nothing. Still tired. I turn the mirror around to face the wall and bury myself under my pillow again.
I can still hear my mother crying.
I wonder if she can hear me?
Sleep comes hours later. There are no dreams.
* * *
"Are you ok?"
He didn't say anything. Didn't have to I guess. I sighed and was about to take another swig of my soda when he collapsed against my back. A frail shell, all strength evaporated once more.
I forgot how frail he was. He weighed almost nothing.
Sigh, Arima.
He was quiet for a long time. I wonder just when he went and changed on me. He was never like this when I first knew him. But then, maybe he was. He just never let anyone see it. He'd been acting even stranger than usual lately though. Miyazawa had been acting odd too. I wonder if something happened between the two? Lovers spat or something. Who knows? Those two are so wound up that just about anything could set them off.
"Hideaki?"
"Yeah."
"The other day I.."
I kept quiet while he seemed to be searching for words. After a minute or two he went on.
"The other day I.. I slept with Yukino." Quietly, gravely. Very gravely.
Wow. Talk about unnecessarily dramatic. I closed my jaw and was about to say something but he didn't seem to be finished. I decided to shut up. From the tone of his voice, I guessed this was not the time to slap him on the back and bring out the sake.
"Hmm." I said. Noncommittal, that's me.
"It was good. I.. I really liked it. It felt.. whole."
"Whole?" I echoed not quite getting it.
"Yes. It made me feel wonderful, peaceful. I felt whole."
"That's nice." I put in, baffled. I was still trying to figure out why he was telling me this.
"We slept for a while after. Then she had to leave."
O..k.. huh?
"After she'd left I.. I felt terrible."
"Guilty?"
"No, no. I.. I realized something." He turned round to face me. " I NEED her."
"You love her?" I asked almost cringing at the word.
"I..I.." He was blushing furiously. "Yeah."
"So, why is that bad?"
"Because she doesn't need me." He grabbed my shoulders and looked right at me. "Dammit Hideaki, she doesn't need me. But I need her. I can't live with out her!"
His eyes were wet and a tear rolled down his red face. I hadn't seen him this worked up in a long time, if ever. He wasn't coping.
It suddenly struck me that he would never be able to cope. He would always be like this. Something deep in his past and in his makeup would never allow him to be satisfied with himself. Some wounds don't heal over. They leave a scar, something that won't go away. It's something you have to learn to live with.
Whatever wound Arima had on his soul, it wasn't something he'd ever be able to forget. It was something he was going ho have to learn to live with. And learning how to do that might take a long time. I hoped for his sake that the girl he had chosen understood that.
Of course these sudden realizations still gave me no idea about what to say to him.
"What am I supposed to do Hideaki?" He was verging on pitiful.
"You live." I told him. "Does it matter that much who likes who the most? Do you think she's going to leave you just because you need her more?"
He didn't say anything. Damn. I had to get this through. I grabbed him by the shoulders and looked him in the eye.
"Look man, the fact is it doesn't matter. She's not going to leave, is she? So you live. You look after her and you care for her and yeah, sure you feel bad..lonely when she's not with you but you go back to her and you hold her tightly so she doesn't leave."
"I.." he muttered. Oh no, I wasn't about to let him get away with any excuses this time.
"Shut up and listen. How the hell do you know she doesn't need you? She likes you, I know that. Otherwise she wouldn't hang around. But she doesn't do just that does she? She's always around you, wants to be around you. Whatever crap you're thinking doesn't matter. She loves you."
Oh man. That word again. Why do I have to say this?
Because if you don't he'll never stop moping, my mind intoned sarcastically. Oh well, might as well finish it. I'll cringe afterwards.
"She loves you. Did 'she' want to sleep with you?"
"..I.. uh.. yeah."
"And does she want to sleep with any other people?"
"I don't.. I.."
"DOES SHE?" I was shouting at him but he had to realize this.
"NO!"
"Well, I don't think Yukino is the shallow type, right?"
He shook his head.
"I doubt she'd ever sleep with anyone unless she really.. really loved them, am I right?"
"I.. uh. Yeah, you're right."
"So don't worry about crap like that, ok. Just have fun. Sure, when she's not around you'll get lonely, but that's all it is. She'll be back, understand?"
"Yeah. Yeah, maybe you're right."
Maybe huh? Well, better than not I guess. Please God. Please let me be right.
"Good, well just remember to come talk to me when you get like that and I'll kick some common sense into you ok?" I said gruffly, trying to regain my cool.
"Ok, sure." He replied, smiling for the first time that afternoon. I grinned back.
Arima you fool. You really are a fool. Why do I do this for you? What makes me want to protect you? Aren't you supposed to be 'my' father?
"Hey Hideaki?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you have anyone you.. really like?"
Oh crap! He's not supposed to say that.
"Well, I.. uh.. there's a lot of girls I like but well, not too many make me feel special. I guess I'm just waiting for someone who makes me feel special and who I can make feel the same way."
"Oh."
Yeah, being cryptic is the best way right now. Someone who makes me feel special huh? Yeah, maybe I've discovered that part. Someone I can make feel the same way? Well, that's the bit I'm not too sure about.
Not too sure at all.
I looked up at the sky and felt suddenly cold.
After a while we moved to the railing to look down at the grounds. I could see Yukino and her gang eating and arguing by the river. Arima spent the rest of the break staring at his girlfriend.
I didn't tell him but I spent it watching Maho.
* * *
Tell me how to love a heart that isn't even real,
Show me how to kiss with lips I simply do not feel,
If you want to know me, you must tear the flesh some more,
Not ever, not yet but I will forget, the things I say I live for.
For my own inherent greatness is made of glass,
And it will shatter; it will never come to pass,
Held down by something it has never known,
Myself, my mind, the soul I do not own.
Now why did I write that? How cliché. But then, all the ingredients are here. Depression, loneliness, apathy and one lost teenager. Add and stir and there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Instant bad poetry. Best served chilled.
Hell, it's even raining outside. How classic can you get?
Twelve years of school, with extra classes and top grades of course, and this bad poem is all I can show for it. Truly tragic, no?
Such talent put to waste, as my Grandmother always used to say. She's dead now. Been like that for over a year. Not that I was much broken up over it. She never did much except drink too much tea and watch television.
I never watch television. Mostly I just never had enough time between studies but even now, when I'm not working hard, I still don't bother. In- your-face advertising propaganda always tends to anger me a little.
Grandma liked it though. Watched all those trashy dramas too. Yukino likes those. Guess it figures. That girl is melodramatic to a fault. Something weird has been going on with her recently. She gets this whole starry-eyed thing going whenever she looks at Arima. I wonder if she slept with him or something. But no.. that can't be it. She'd tell me if that happened. I mean, I'm her best friend, right?
Sigh. Here I go again. I was writing about Grandma and wandered off. My concentration is shot to hell. I can't seem to keep a thought in my head for very long. My stomach hurts a lot too these days. And my hands.. I'm not really sure when they started shaking so much.
Grandma. I was talking about Grandma.
I used to argue with her all the time. I was really into coffee back then. As a student, these days especially, if you want to do well, you really need it. Well, I did anyway.
Grandma didn't like it. She still had a few traditional bones in her body and there must have been a really big tea-drinking one. Coffee was simply bad news according to her. I shouldn't drink it. She even told me once that it would make my hair fall out.
So we argued. Tea or coffee, which was better? A stupid thing to argue about. Sure.
She could never keep up with me of course. I was the top language student back then, could out argue just about anyone. Except my family. Arguing is about logic you see. Families rarely seem to use it.
I can still picture her, you know. Sitting on her chair with her twitch and her grimace, using the age-old tactics of elders everywhere.
"Maho! Don't talk back, child."
The last word always emphasized. Really! What can you say to that?
It never really bothered me when she died. She looked so much happier at the funeral. No twitches or grimaces. Her face was relaxed. No cane in her gnarled, old hand. She looked peaceful.
So yeah.. It never really shook me up at all. I pretended it did of course. To ease my parents minds and mostly just because I felt I was expected to. So I would look.. good, I suppose. Dutiful. I doubt I would have impressed anyone by remarking that the old troll looked a whole lot better dead than she did alive. At those sort of things, you are meant to cry.
I didn't cry. But I pretended to.
I think I'm rambling again. Doesn't matter really. I'm not even sure what I'm writing this down for. Or whom I'm writing it for.
To think I always prided myself on my writing skills.
To my future self, whom I hope will never read this;
Are you happy?
Do you.. love? Hate?
Do you feel?
You'll notice that this page has been torn out and taped back in. You see, I just ripped it out and threw it in my bin. I can't write for shit.
But then I thought, this is a piece of my mind and I guess that after all, no matter how bad it may be, I don't really want to throw it away because sometimes I feel that there's not that much left.
Nevertheless, I doubt you will ever find a reason to read this, future self. Twelve years of school and numerous essays aside, what it comes down to is that..
Well.. It's that I can't write for shit.
Funny. That's what everyone says I'm good at.
* * *
I caught up with Tonami a couple of days later in the hallway. His initial disapproval of Yukino had incited her to argument and before long the two had been at it constantly, both seeming to enjoy the conflict immensely. After he let us in on his revenge plans for Sakura and his past, he and Yukino had developed a bond. Arima's eyes had been gradually developing that dark possessiveness. After that time on the roof the other day.. I had the feeling this could blow up pretty soon.
Never fear, Hideaki Powers to the rescue.
I glanced around to see if Sakura was anywhere near. Due to her.. influence.. I had had to adopt a new persona. Bond simply didn't have enough mojo.
Luckily for me she was playing basketball. In fact Tonami might just be watching her from the hall window. Time to find out.
"What are you watching."
"Nothing."
"Sakura's pretty damn hot, huh?"
"Yeah.. I.. huh?" Tonami went red and glared at me. "It's not like that!"
Alright! Scores. This is perfect. I grinned up at him.
"Well then what 'were' you watching? Or should I say who?"
"Shut up. What do you want?" He growled at me.
"Woah.. Lighten up. Just kidding." This guy was 'way' too up tight. But.. better get down to business.
"You wanna be friends with Arima, right?"
"Well.. yeah. So what?"
"You're too close to Miyazawa."
".."
"You shouldn't be acting so careless around her. You might cause unwanted things, like pushing Arima into a corner. You see, the Arima you know isn't the real Arima."
"What are you talking about?"
"The real Arima hates it when someone, be it a boy or a girl, gets too close to her."
"Huh, Arima what..?"
"He really has a very intense personality.."
".."
"..and a VERY strong possessive attitude."
".."
"The only person Arima is truly himself with is her. ONLY her. He only allows me to be near her because he knows that I will never, EVER take her away from him."
"Haha.. oh..kay.. look, you're worrying too much."
"I don't think I'm getting through to you. It doesn't matter if you do or don't like her or whatever. What matters is that you pay too much attention to her."
"Hehe.. She's not my type, she's just a normal girl to me.."
"Look, I'm not trying to be an asshole here. Please.. leave Yukino alone. You like Sakura, right? No, don't bother denying it. You know what I mean. If you wanna hang out with a girl, hang out with her. Please."
"You're really serious!"
"Yeah.. I am. I've been looking out for Arima for a long time now. That's why I'm asking."
"So how come you can hang out with her?"
"Yeah, I can hang out, sure, but think for a bit man. Whenever that happens, just 'who' is the attention always directed at?"
"Yeah.. alright. Look I'm sorry if I've got in the way and all.."
"Don't worry about it. Already forgotten." Time to lighten this up a bit. It had been getting far too serious for my liking.
I patted his shoulder and grinned. "Of course, if you do it again I'll sign you up for the Kendo team as a practice dummy."
"Ok, ok, I get the point." He grinned back and the tension eased.
Crisis averted. All bow to the mighty Hideaki Powers! Bwahahahaha!
"Tell you what, the two lovebirds are gonna be busy doing responsible school things tonight. Why don't you buy me a coffee and I'll enlighten you a bit about Arima and the little lady."
"Hey! Why do I have to buy?" He protested scratching his head.
" 'Cause you're the newbie. And while we're at it you can tell me ALL about Sakura."
"WHAT?? There's nothing.."
His denial wasn't exactly very convincing. Ignoring his protests I led him off to grab a coffee. This was definitely worth cultivating. I grinned an evil grin. Yeah.. a good romance is just the right thing to get Sakura off my back.
Still, Tonami had better hurry up. That girl was beginning to have a serious effect on my mojo.
* * *
Today I saw Tsubasa at the arcade after school. Don't know why I stopped in there. Usually I just go straight home after school these days. But for some reason I stopped and she was there.
We had coffee. Well, 'I' had coffee. She had some soda concoction that was bright blue. I really shouldn't be surprised. She's mostly animal after all. She told me all about Kazuma. Went on and on. She couldn't seem to shut up.
It was just as well. I didn't really feel like talking.
Yeah, even the animal finds love. She seems almost happy now. Ok, so she's euphoric. Happy, euphoric. It's the same thing really. She really loves Kazuma. Any fool can see that. Especially this fool.
It would make a great parable or something. Beauty and the beast. The old cliché. Love heals all. How trite. I just can't bring myself to care.
Love. Hmmpf.
If it exists, what the hell would I know about it. I couldn't do the stuff that's expected. I'm not built like a princess. I couldn't be cute and kissy and stuff like that. I could never be helpless.
You see, I don't want to be helped.
Hell, I don't even know what I want. That's a good thought. What do I want? Riches? Beauty? A career? How about the old story, a loving husband and two cute kids?
Funny. I can't think of a single thing.
{Not ever, not yet}
Maybe, just maybe..
{But I will forget}
Do I want to die?
{The things I say I live for}
Not yet. Oh God, not yet.
Perhaps I should take up smoking.
* * *
SNAP
Sigh. Looking at the closed diary in front of me, I have to wonder why I bothered writing all that down. Like any future self would actually read that crap.
My parent's voices drift up. They're yelling again. They're worried about me. I wish they wouldn't worry. I wish they hadn't always loved and encouraged me. Looked after me. That way I could have blamed them. But as it is, it's not their fault that I'm unhappy.
I guess it must be mine.
I think I'll go for a walk now. I need to clear my head.
Maybe my mother's voice won't sound so nerve-wracked when I get back.
* * *
"Thanks for the coffee."
"Shut up."
"Tightass. Oh well, oughta head home."
"Asaba?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks."
"Don't mention it. See you later, man."
"OK, Later."
Tonami's really a good guy. Even if he is all hung up over that Sakura girl. Don't know what he sees in her but he's got it bad alright. That conversation went pretty late too. It's already dark.
Man, what a day! First Arima then Tonami. Am I turning into the love doctor or something? Dr. Asaba huh? I kinda like it.
So Arima slept with Yukino. That fact still hadn't quite seeped in yet. It was kinda hard to believe. No doubt about it though. Arima sure as hell would never lie about that kinda stuff. Not someone as straight-laced as him. Oh no!
The neurotic duo are now officially a couple. The scumbags even beat me to it. Better not let on to Yukino that she's got one up on me. Not that she'd ever suspect that I'm still a vir.. well yeah. I'd never hear the end of it. What a headache!
That reminds me, I should put some Asprin in my schoolbag when I get home.
To my empty home.
I probably could've crashed at Arima's tonight but.. Well, even the love doctor needs his rest, right?
Love doctor? Yeah right? Who am I kidding. Even a totally repressed guy like Arima had sex before I did. Hell, I bet Tonami will probably beat me to it as well. Probably Tsubasa too. Yeah, why not.
Still, it's no problem! It's not like I'm desperate or anything. I mean, I could have had sex with any number of girls before now. It's not like I've never had the chance. It's just that I.. couldn't.
Arima said it made him feel whole. I think I know what he meant. I always felt like I was only half a person, waiting for the other half. Waiting to be whole. I want to feel that. I want it more than anything.
But I don't think I could ever let anyone see me like that. That's why I've always looked so beautiful on the outside.
Because on the inside I feel ugly.
Woah. Calm down man. That's enough.. Right. Yeah. Cool. Focus.
Ok, so I'm lonely. I'll get over it.
Walk home, eat, sleep. Don't think.
Oh shit! It's started raining.
Ok, RUN home, eat, sleep.
No problem.
* * *
See! Even God hates me. Just my luck for it to start raining. Now I definitely can't go back.
Well, it's not like I really want to.
It's cold in here. I feel like a stupid kid. Crawling into the playground penguin slide to light up a cigarette. Still, at least it's dry. And empty.
Smoking. Why do people do it? It just makes my mouth dry. I don't think I've quite got the hang of it. Despite the small cluster of butts on the ground.
But I think I can understand. There's a certain kind of vicious pleasure in it. A sort of self-destruction. It feels comfortable in a way.
Well, better keep at it. I've still got more than half the pack left.
My fingers are shaking so much I can hardly light the damn thing.
I notice that two nails are broken. So much for vanity.
I feel so sick that I can't bring myself to care. Sure, I know what I'm really doing. I know I'm making myself sick on these damn things. I even know why. For something to blame of course. A reason to feel sick. But it's not working. After all, I the one stupid enough to smoke them.
It's still MY fault.
A steel clang. Someone is climbing the ladder. I don't care. I feel sick.
A sodden shape is climbing into my haven. It gives a soft curse and crouches next to me.
"Uh.. Hi." It offers.
Asaba.
Yep, God hates me alright.
"Maho?"
Oh God, leave me alone. Why can't everyone just leave me alone.
SMACK.
My hand? It hurts. He hit me.
"Why in hell are you SMOKING?" He looks mad. He's shouting.
"I..I..I'm sorry." Did I just say that. Why is he here? To laugh at me?
"Look, I uh.." He suddenly looks sheepish. "I didn't mean.."
"SHUT UP!" Sudden fury wells up. "JUST SHUT UP! I KNOW I'M STUPID. WHY DO YOU CARE? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Without even realizing it I am hitting him, over and over, shouting, punching, crying. I can't stop. He doesn't say anything, just lets me hit him.
The tears blur my vision and my fist misses his shoulder and hits the wall of the penguin. Without any warning my fury suddenly departs. What was I doing?
Sudden guilt. Shame. Stupidity.
I feel wretched. The tears continue. Why am I so stupid? Now he'll be angry. He'll hit me back. Part of me welcomes it. Contact of any kind..
God. Reality. I don't understand.
Something hurts but I can't figure out where it is. Or even what's hurting. I think I've curled into a ball but I can't see for all the tears. I might be expanding or contracting, I don't really know.
Oh God, I'm so scared.
* * *
Ok, this is not good.
'No shit.' My brain agreed with me. SHUT UP! I thought back at it.
Well, way to go there Asaba. The girl you fancy climbs up here to get out of the rain and you have to go smacking her around. So what if she was smoking? Yeah smoking is bad, sure, but what makes you her father.
IDIOT. IDIOT. IDIOT.
Yep, This is bad. Well, at least she got her own back. Man, that hurt. I'm gonna have bruises tomorrow.
Oh crap. Now what do I do? It's painfully.. very painfully obvious that something is wrong with Maho and now I've gone and made it worse. Just great. What a day!
Now she's crying. Way to go Moron!
Ok, Focus. Think. Gotta do something.
"Maho.. I..I'm sorry."
No response. This is bad.
Should I.. No she'd kill me. She must hate me now.
But.. She hates me.. I gotta do something.. but she'll.. so what, I deserve it if she does.. C'mon she's shivering!
Moving closer, I gently put my arm around her. "I'm sorry."
No change, she's still crying. Did she even notice?
Man, this is awkward.
With a loud sob she suddenly leant into my arm. Neither of us said anything for a long time.
"Is it still raining?" Softly, choking. I looked around.
"Yeah, it is." I answered, beginning to feel very uncomfortable.
"I.. I think I'm falling."
"I know. Me too." I said finally understanding.
"Don't let go." Pleading.
"Sure."
A long time passed. I looked like the rain wasn't going to stop anytime soon. I couldn't see anything outside the penguin. Looking down at Maho, I could see that she hadn't moved at all. Still curled up into my side. I wonder what it is I'm shielding her from.
Looking down again, I wonder if she can hear my heart.
"I.."
"Huh?" I muttered, not hearing her.
"I'm afraid."
"Yeah.. yeah, Me too."
Silence.
The rain didn't stop for what seemed like a long, long time.
END CHAPTER 7
Author's Note: Hahaha! I bet you all thought I was dead, huh? Go on, admit it. It's close enough. What with Uni, holidays and me just being plain old lazy (hehe, sorry!) I've been out of it for a long time.
But I'm back. After watching a little series called 'Pretear' I suddenly realised that I'd forgotten all about Maho for ages. So here is. Bwahahaha! 'But I stood in the Background Chapter 7' is finished.
BTW: Go and watch Pretear. It's an awesome show. Also, thanks so much for the reviews. I'm so glad someone reads this.
Thanks go out to my proofreaders Paul Corrigan and Jen "Chen Yingzhen" and also to assorted support personnel, Charlie, Jett, and Tytus Mak. God, I sound almost corporate. How scary.
Lastly, a great big sorry to anyone who has been waiting for this chapter. Gomen!
Next time: 'Chapter 8 - By love's stifled screams'.
Love and stuff,
Ja,
Cheshire Grin wheresmyspoons@yahoo.com