Chapter IV, this being the chapter that comes fourth.
It had been nearly two heart-wrenching weeks since his godfather died and Harry still couldn't sleep. The second he closed his eyes he had to relive one of the most painful times in his life. Without Sirius, Harry had no one. He knew that the Weasleys loved him like a son, and that the Order of the Phoenix would never abandon him, but it wasn't the same. Even with Sirius on the run, Cedric dead and Voldemort returned, Harry had always held a secret desire that he would one day wake up to a Voldie free world and a new life with his godfather.
That would never happen now, and stomach twisting at the thought, Harry focused his mind, his pain and all his hatred onto the man he held responsible – Severus Snape. Snape was Harry's potions master at school and had always treated Harry badly (that he treated everyone except the Slytherin's badly didn't occur to Harry at this point). As the adage went, like father like son, and Harry was proof of that. Snape had hated James Potter at school, and Harry was an unpleasant reminder to the potions master of his less than happy school days.
Harry never wanted anything to do with Snape again, unfortunately, since he was staying at the headquarters of the Order and Snape was a member, this wasn't very likely, so Harry had to content himself with ignoring the man, and refusing to drink a dreamless sleep potion, even with Mrs Weasley fretting anxiously in the background.
********
He dressed and wandered downstairs, hoping to eat alone only to find Remus Lupin and Molly Weasley in the kitchen. They looked as though they weren't sleeping all that well either, and Remus in particular had the air of a broken man. Neither one of the wizards patronised the other with even half a smile when even the least observant troll would realise what it was already costing the Gryffindors not to burst into tears.
*******
The fire burst into flames and immediately, Molly and Remus were in front of Harry, wands raised and ready for trouble. What they weren't ready for was the sight that met them. A black haired man dressed in severe black robes smiled tiredly at them and grinned weakly at the look on their faces and offered a rather lame "Molly, Lupin, Mr Potter".
"What the hell is going on?" asked Remus warily "How did you…"
"Well, Moony old friend, let's just say that pomegranates had a lot to do with it." The werewolf looked at Molly and lowered his wand, "It's really him Molly!"
The three Gryffindors stared, too stunned for words for what seemed an age, then Harry flung himself sobbing into his godfather's arms.
"But…How…What…." Stuttered Harry in his normal dazed and confused state. "where have you been for the last two weeks?"
"It's very hard to explain now, not least because if I did you would have the urge to poke your eyes with a spoon and burn your underwear. Trust me when I say that there are some questions best left unanswered. But you know if you ever needed me I would be just the other end of our secret mirror."
Pressed to Sirius chest, the voluminous robes muffled something that sounded rather like "Oh crap"
However for once Harry's innate curiosity was stifled, which is more that I can say for you dear reader, if you're still here. If you're being force to read it by a friend who thinks it insanely funny, you are not alone. Our pert Gryffindor neighbour agrees with you, and to be honest you have my sympathy as well. I'm blaming all on my better half. (The One who hates coffee revel – enough said.)
*******
Explanations could wait. Harry had never been so exquisitely happy in all his life, and for Sirius, there was a whole lot of love in the room. Even Molly, once she got over her surprise forgot their differences and hugged him as fiercely as she had ever hugged Harry, whispering "it's so good to see you love."
Sirius insisted that his return should be a surprise to all the members of the Order that weren't at headquarters (with the exception of Mad-eye who was a little too unpredictable, but all too happy to pull the wool over the eyes of the others). Tonks, being the clumsiest witch in the Order, fell down the stairs and into the street when her cousin opened the door to let her in after her discharge from hospital. Unfortunately for her, this meant that she had to go straight back to St Mungo's with two broken legs and a concussion. She dismissed her cousin's return as a hopeful delusion, so when she knocked on the door after being discharged again, the shock of seeing her cousin alive caused her to fall AGAIN. Luckily for her and for us, since this could get pretty circular, Remus was able to catch her and prevent any more damage being done.
Everyone was pretty shocked.
*********
The look on Dumbledore's face was priceless, but his reaction time was remarkable. This meant that Sirius was subjected to as many Dark Arts tests as Dumbledore could think of, which was, fairly obviously, a lot. Sirius began in a cooperative manner but, as the hours dragged on he began to get grumpy. Finally, Dumbledore announced his last test – the Sorting Hat. As soon as it was comfortably seated on his head the hat confirmed aloud "ah, Sirius Black, I certainly remember you." He continued internally "I had rather an easy time sorting you, but you seem to have got rather Slytherin since we last met. That reminds me of a joke, what's the difference between a Slytherin and the Hufflepuff badger?" "Heard it. Now, can I get back to the rest of my life?"
*******
The last member of the Order to arrive was, to us at least, the most important. Nobody else really gave a damn.
Well, not many people. As the front door opened, Sirius leapt up off the floor, ran to the passage and was restrained from shouting "Multipass!" by the shock of Remus grabbing him (from behind of course) in order to restrain him from what he thought was an act of violence.
"Oh, bugger off you silly twerp" said Sirius, and then walked towards Severus.
They had, of course, realised that they had a slight dilemma in their new-found friendship. Namely that no-one remembered the lead up to it and if they greeted each other in too friendly a manner, everyone would assume they were gay, desperate and shagging like rabbits. No-one would understand their witty, mature and incredibly heterosexual repartee and companionship.
Or the two weeks seclusion in France. In one bed.
However let us not forget how incredibly Slytherin Sirius has become (what's the only way to make a hot Gryffindor hotter – turn him into a Slytherin of course). So, after approaching Severus, watched with bated breath by all, he held out his hand, and said:
"Well now we've both had near death experiences, I finally realise that life's too short and that there are many people more deserving of my taunting, namely Hufflepuffs and people with phobias of spoons and badgers…and then there's always Malfoy. I propose we tell a hugely derogative joke about the other person to get it out of our systems, and carry on civilly."
Snape nodded and indicated that Black should go first.
"Okay, what's the difference between a Slytherin and an Independence-day alien?
No? well one's an ugly, slimy, devious, evil monster intent on taking over the world and the other's a character from a film staring Will Smith."
There was, once again a collective gasp. However Snape merely replied, "You've spent the last month thinking that one up haven't you? So, what the difference between a Gryffindor and a quorn fillet? Well one's got no taste, and the other one I believe is mycoprotien, which is incidentally a kind of pumpkin fungus."
(Yes, we know it's from bacteria)
At this they looked another as if seeing each other for the first time, and then shared an incredibly blokey and heterosexual hug. When they broke free it appeared everyone had fainted and Mrs Black was screaming about perverts. This time we think the stray badger was Dumbledore.
The wizards turned and as one voice cast "Parley Francais" on the portrait of Mrs Black, which left the portrait only able to speak in the very limited French she knew. Sirius's mother quickly shut up out of embarrassment at her own lack of learning and a more generalised dislike of the French.
The easy camaraderie between the old enemies was very confusing to everyone present, or it could have just been oxygen deprivation to their brains. Remus eventually cornered Sirius and asked him were he had been for the last two weeks and how he and Snape came to be on such friendly terms. The answer he got wasn't exactly helpful.
"Well, Moony, there's only so much time you can spend sharing bodies with a man before you start to like him. Besides, he has the comfiest bed this side of heaven."
"WHAT?!" yelled Remus, experiencing as strange sense of déjà vu (not a glitch in the matrix), and a desire to check the pumpkin store."
"Don't ask Moony, you don't want to know"
And that, dear reader was the straightest answer anyone ever got.
The End, kind of.
References:
The Matrix, obviously.