Reason Enough
I suppose, in some way, I could never learn to forget Kenshin entirely because in my mind he belongs to the sunshine and innocence, all those little things that were my childhood, not that I would ever want to. Perhaps that's why he could never fall in love with me, perhaps that's why he left... He could never fall for and be with a child. Sadly, he needed a woman and it was his leaving that made me one. It seemed as though I was always too late. Always one step too slow, always one foot behind.
I made myself a promise some time ago
So one day, Kenshin just upped and left me. Not much of a goodbye, then again, he was never one for long and drawn-out, mushy farewells. We both knew that and decided to be mature about it. A little hug, a soft chaste kiss and he stopped being part of the Kenshingumi, returning to being Rurouni Kenshin.
Naturally, everyone was worried. After all, wasn't little Kaoru falling apart the last time Kenshin left? Megumi's fox laughter dimmed, as did Yahiko's name calling. Even Sano was tip-toeing around me, afraid that I'd crack up one day. After awhile, though, we finally fell back into a routine – I'd pretend I was alright so it was easier for everyone to play along as well. And can you believe it? For some time, I actually believed it. It really felt as though my heart has healed and mended. I told myself, put so much faith in this fragile heart of my own. But I wasn't fine, because I had lost my faith in love.
Never again to give my heart away
Everyday, I'd find myself at the steps of the dojo, sitting, watching, waiting. Sitting there, watching the world go by without my participation and waiting for him to return. I told myself he was never going to come back. He was a wanderer, roaming around was in his blood, especially when he had made an oath to a love he could never forget.
Tomoe.
I knew I could never match up to her. I knew that she was everything I wasn't, and then some more, but I foolishly believed that happiness was mine to keep and he would one day learn to love me for being me. It was then that I wished Jin'eh or Enishi have killed me off. Maybe if I died for Kenshin, the way I was told Yumi sacrificed for Shishio, and the way Tomoe gave up her life in exchange for my sweet Rurouni... maybe then, he'd remember me forever. I could never cook, or be womanly, but if there's one thing I can do, I can die for him.
But now, all that I am, is a name at the back of his mind. I'm just a little dojo adjutant master in a style that I have yet to master. I'm merely a girl, waiting to be a woman, hoping for love. I'm simply another shadow in his life. And that kills me, because I can never be the light.
Fell in love with someone who left me in the end
I can never be the god damned light.
The price of love was just too high to pay
And so, the world did go on without me. Yahiko, closer to becoming the man he was destined to be, took over teaching the new students as the Dojo regained some of its former students and glory. Sano, still gambling as usual, always made it a point to visit me before lunch. I could never tell if he came over to check on me, or the state of his next meal, but I'd never look a gift horse in the mouth if it meant that more life would be brought back to the dojo after Kenshin's departure. Megumi never really changed. She dropped by every now and then, but I could see the light in her eyes fading, as it did in the rest of us. We had lost a member of our family and that changes everything.
I thought my life had ended
"Kao-chan, are you alright?" A hand reached up to brush away a strand of my hair that was poking my cheek. A worried gaze clashed with my own distant one. I knew that he didn't like it when I drifted away, because that meant that I was reminiscing. Make no mistake, he was not jealous of Kenshin, not anymore, anyway. He knew that Kenshin was an integral part of my life, a part that I've gotten over already. He was only anxious of what my thoughts could do to me.
My hand snaked up to his, grasping it lightly as my cheek rubbed into the palm of his hand, reassuring him that I was fine.
"I'm fine. I'm always fine every time you're here."
And I was.
But you came along
It's hard remembering the time before Enishi came into my life. Or how my impression of him turned from one of a captor to a savior. It's equally difficult recalling those lone times at the porch, or when I started noticing Enishi's presence, reminding me that I was never alone anymore. It's as though those times blurred into one single moment where all I knew and thought of was Enishi. He entered my life and gave me a sense of completion that could only come with being cherished. Kenshin could never reassure me or give me happiness because I knew that he could never love me.
But Enishi cared for me, deeply.
From the start, when loneliness started creeping up on me, I've always wondered what it was like to fall in love, to have someone need you as much as you need them. People always thought that my loneliest period was after my father left me, but they were wrong. It was when Kenshin was gone.
I still remembered how dark it was. My world was filled with broken thoughts and fragmented memories. Even when the others pulled me out of my trance, the painful silence deafened me with the words Kenshin never told me, the words that I longed to hear. I was faced with the fact that I would never get love from that wonderfully dense wanderer, I was never to be his light.
And showed me how much brighter things could be
But I could be Enishi's light.
Now you see I've turned my back
On that promise that I made
Leaning myself against Enishi's chest, I allowed myself to be ensconced in his embrace, lapping up every bit of adoration and attention that my white-haired kareshi was lavishing me with.
"'Nishi..." I murmured as he tightened his arms around me.
"Um?" His voice reverberated through my mind as he pressed a kiss on the top of my head, knowing that I was delighting in every kiss he bestowed upon me. "What can I do for my Kaoru-hime?"
Giggling, I swatted his shoulder lightly.
"You know I hate it when you call me that! I'm too much of a tomboy to be a hime!"
Chuckling at my declaration, he gave me yet another kiss and simply rested his chin on my head.
"I know, but what can I do when you act like one?"
"Mou!"
At my exasperated exclamation, he chortled and adjusted me on his lap so that I was facing him. Startled at his sudden actions, I stared at him, mesmerized by the glow in his eyes. He never looked so happy before.
"I've never had a reason to be happy before." His entire visage softened at the confession and it was only then that I realized I had blurted my thoughts out, as usual.
Enishi brought his palm up and cupped my cheek, his thumb gently brushing my skin with such gentleness I could not imagine belonging to an ex-mafia lord.
"Kaoru, you're my light, the only light I've ever see."
Knowing that your love has set me free
My eyes misted over at his open-hearted impromptu speech. No one could ever touch me the way this gentle man could. He wasn't eloquent, only needing his sword to speak the threats his eyes conveyed, neither was he a romantic at heart where half his life was spent intent on vengeance for a wrong cause. But his tenderness towards me stems from neither pain nor mere flattery. The true emotions that I can gather from his actions alone makes me melt every time he executes them on me.
You are reason enough for me to go on living
Flustered, Enishi brushed away the tears that spilled onto my cheeks. I knew that he hated it when I cried, for any reason at all, but I really could not help it. To hear those words from his lips, to know that he really cared for me the way I've always wanted someone to was such a joy that could not be expressed any other way.
"Kaoru, please, please don't cry. You look prettier without tears."
Sniffling in an unlady-like manner, I stuck my tongue out at him childishly. Why does he keep bringing out the best in me?
"I'm always pretty."
You are reason enough for me to smile again
Smirking at his own success in stopping my flood of tears, he kissed my forehead, all the while patronizing me.
"Of course, of course, my Kaoru-hime is never anything less than beautiful* right?"
In a world where hearts are broken
Every now and then
I punched him lightly on his shoulder, hard enough to know that I'm not a weakling, but soft enough not to hurt. Not that I could ever hurt Enishi. He was strong, that I knew, but seeing his last battle with Kenshin... the way he went berserk, the way he overstep the limits his body placed on him, I never knew true brute strength until I met Enishi. For a brief second, I knew what true fear was, because I feared Enishi's seeming infallibility and invincibility.
But now, looking at him, seeing the warmth shining through his captivating orbs, I knew that the seemingly invincible Yukishiro Enishi has a weakness – me. I have the power now, to break him, to hurt him beyond repair, beyond anything that a snowy evening and the death of his sister can do. And sometimes, that knowledge simply scares me.
"Kaoru? Kaoru? Are you alright?"
He shook my shoulders lightly, bringing me out of my stupor as my eyes rose to meet his gaze. Shaking my head lightly, I smiled at him.
"I'm fine, you're here, remember? I'll never let anything happen to you." Embracing him tightly, resting my head in the crook of his neck, I repeated the words that I would hold to, for the rest of my life. "I'll protect you Enishi, I'll protect you forever."
One finds reason enough to love
Like I've found reason enough in you to love again
Coughing uncomfortably, Enishi pushed me gently a sign that if I kept up the embrace, he would probably die from lack of air. Commanding me to stay still on his lap, he pulled a little box out of his pocket, placing it in my hand.
"For you. Open it."
So here I am, all caught up in this new found love
My hands trembling, a fluttering feeling settled itself in the depths of my stomach, threatening to kill me with it's intensity. Holding the light box, I vaguely knew what it meant since Kenshin made the mistake just that summer before. How fast things have changed, I mused, what would have happened if he was still here? My mind raced in a million possibilities but none of them as wonderous without Enishi around.
My life would have never been as beautiful without Enishi.
Feeling like I've never felt before
Grasping the unopened box gently, I looked into Enishi's eyes, searching for an answer to a question I never asked. This was to be for the rest of my life... the rest of my life... can I do it?
"Enishi... are you...?" The sentence hung the air as I continued my probe.
I desperately needed to know something.
"If you're asking whether I'm serious or willing or I've thought it through, the answer is 'yes'."
Noting my stated of shock and numbness, Enishi removed the box from my palm and opened it.
"You've been my light ever since that very first day I sat in front of the dojo watching you. I was prepared to leave, to never return, but you always held me back. First you kept me with your smiles that were so deep, then your spirit which never died no matter how much adversity you've been faced with. Now, I can not fathom a life without my Kaoru by my side. I'm willing to protect you for the rest of your life so will you be my light for the rest of mine, guiding me through it? Will you, Kamiya Kaoru, marry me?"
Putting my love on the line with you
And taking a chance again
Choking back a sob, I simply stared at him, replying.
"Say it again. Ask me again."
He conceded, knowing that I needed to hear the words again to know that they were true, to know that they weren't empty words spoken to hurt me.
"Will you be my wife, Kaoru?"
I'm not afraid to love anymore
Embracing him in a hug tighter than the one before, I kissed him soundly, but not before replying.
"Yes, with all my heart."
In a world where hearts are broken
Every now and then
One finds reason enough to love
Like I've reason enough in you to love again
We were married a month later. Everybody made it there, even Kenshin, with the help of the Oniwabanshu and it was perfect. Not just because Enishi was there, but also because even if he never told me he loved me, it was evident in every hug, every kiss he gave me.
I was finally happy.
-Owari-
AN: * this sentence came from The Belgariad, written by David and Leigh Eddings. The song is sung by Regine Valesquez. Very very nice.
I decided to write something from Kaoru's POV, since a reviewer was complaining about the length of the fic. I agree, so this is my response. It's a tad rough at the edges, at some points where it's rather stream of conciousness like. It was written that way, following my own stream of conciousness, as I tried to bring out the spunk in Kaoru, yet reveal that she was really growing up without Kenshin. I also needed to show some dependency that she has developed on Kenshin, thus being a motivating force for Kenshin's departure as he is unwilling to burden himself further upon her. Makes sense? Erm.. nevermind.
Just a tomboy: Hey look! You've got a liiiiittle mention in my story! ^_^ Here's the ending to it.
Angel of Death 10: EK is one of my favourites, especially since I can't really stand it when people just keeps writing of Enishi as though he's some psychopath, if a member of my family were dead, I'd probably go on a worse rampage than him. Anyway, I've always believed that Eni-chan only needed someone to show him love. Ain't Kaoru the best??
Angie: Hope this is what you had in mind. I'm sorry to say though, that I'm not really planning on continuing with this fic, since happy endings are pretty much where I stop. Although if I do find some inspiration and a good plot, I might decide otherwise, wanna help??
MissBehavin: Yo! I'm still waiting for the update on your fic!! Enishi ain't in the shadows anymore, but this is hopefully good enough for what you were expecting. I'm so hapy when my characters are happy, it just fills me with such a warm and fuzz feeling. -sigh-
CEEGEE: Don't feel sorry for him anymore, he's already getting some TLC. Now, for myself.. lol too bad I don't believe in Self insertion fics. They tend to... ruin my perception of a fanfic.
~Haruko