Hello! This is my first Frasier fic, and I know that my GM,M people will be
mad that I haven't updated my other story yet, but meh. I don't care. I
needed to start this before the premiere, which is in a week!
Title: More Than You Think You Are
Summary: About 3 months after the season finale. Roz writes a letter to Frasier explaining the reasons behind her ultimatum. How will he react when he knows the truth?
Rating: PG I guess!
Feedback: Love it, hate it, tell me. Review and/or email me at kathleen@melaniedoane.com
Thanks to: Matchbox 20 for the title, and also for the song used in this chapter (and that will continue on in other chapters as well). And thanks to "The Frasier Files Transcripts," for all the scripts that caught me up on missed episodes of Frasier, and also for the references to dialogue in the episode "A New Position For Roz" (10.24).
PS: These (~~) are for when there's a flashback, or something else that should be in italics. I have yet to figure out how to get them to work!
******
It's raining again. Just like it has been every day for the past 3 months.
Okay, so it hasn't really been raining for that long, but for some reason I can't remember a time when the sun shined. The last time must have been before he cut me out of his life.
I guess I asked for it. I told him to choose. I just can't believe he picked her.
I hate her. I always have, but the hatred has increased so much more over the last while.
Or maybe I just hate myself.
The rain continues to fall outside my window. All I can do is watch it fall.
In a way, I'm like a raindrop. Falling through a big open space until I finally hit the bottom, breaking against the ground and disappearing into it.
Well, if anything is the bottom, this is it. And all I can keep thinking of is: what if I'm lost here forever?
"Mommy?" my daughter's voice cuts through my thoughts.
"Yes honey?" I reply, turning towards her.
"I'm bored. Can we go visit Eddie and Uncle Martin and Uncle Frasier?"
I sigh, hearing his name. "No honey, not today," is all I can say.
"Why not? I haven't seen them for a year!"
I smile slightly, thinking 'yes, it certainly feels as if it's been a year'. "I know, it's been a while sweetie, but, see, your Uncle Frasier and I, we, well, we sort of got into a fight."
"About what?"
"It's sort of complicated."
"Can't you just tell him you're sorry?" she asks me, her big round eyes looking like a puppy dog.
"I wish I could sweetie, but, well, grown-up problems are a little more difficult. I'll tell you what, why don't you go play with your dollies for a bit and then I'll take you to a movie!"
"Wow! Okay!" she exclaims excitedly, and exits skipping.
I smile for a moment, then turn back to watching the rain fall.
If only I could say I am sorry. If only I could tell him how much I miss him. If only everything could go back to normal, and we could forget about the whole thing.
I reach for the phone and begin to dial his number. It rings once, twice, three times...
He answers.
"Hello?" he says into the phone.
I hang up quickly.
This was not the first time I'd done this. Sometimes I'd call just to see if he was home. Other times, just to hear his voice.
I listened to his show every day, hearing his advice, wanting so badly to call in and ask him if he could forgive me.
But then he'd introduce her and I'd remember why I couldn't call him. I'd remember why I couldn't see him. I'd remember why I'd said what I'd said. I'd remember everything about our fight...
~
"Roz, you have no right to come over here and run her down to me. It's really none of your business!"
"This is my business!"
"And why?"
"Because, we're friends! I can't believe you're turning on me like this! I gave up a job that was ten times better to stay on your show!"
"Yes, and quite frankly, I don't understand that! Why exactly did you turn down that job?"
"Out of loyalty to you!"
"Loyalty to me? Are you sure? Are you sure it wasn't just fear? Are you sure you're not just using me as an excuse not to grow and move on?"
~
I knew he was right. I didn't want to move on. I didn't want to leave him behind with her, knowing that she could so easily take my place. Knowing that she could quite possibly be the woman who stole him away from me, this awful person who I hated, who didn't deserve him.
Not that I deserved him. He obviously knew that, given what his choice was. But the way he did it. It wasn't even a named answer. It was a gesture, with his arm around her, saying he'd have cake. I mean, why would she walk in anyway? She would have been able to hear us yelling!
~
Julia enters happily from the kitchen. "Who wants restaurant cake?"
"You're going to have to choose, Frasier."
"You will not put me in this position, Roz. We will discuss it later!"
"No! Tell me! It's her or me! Tell me now, or I swear to God I will walk out of here and I will not come back!"
Frasier pauses, then walks over to Julia and puts her arm around her. "Thank you, Julia, I think I will have some cake."
"Fine," I say, and I leave.
~
I hate that memory. I hate every memory I have of him. They only remind me of how much better my life was with him in it. And to think, the one who is making memories with him is Julia, well, that just makes me even angrier.
And depressed.
A raindrop hits my window and rolls down the glass onto the sill. It remains momentarily before disappearing amongst countless other raindrops.
That's me. I've smashed and fallen to the ground, and now I've disappeared amongst everyone else down here. I'm just a nameless face, lost and lingering in Frasier's past.
******
Someday they'll find your small town world on a big town avenue
Gonna make you like the way they talk when they're talking to you
Gonna make you break out of the shell cause they tell you to
Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth
They'll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say
They're gonna break your heart, yeah
--Hand Me Down, Matchbox 20
******
Thank for reading this chapter! Let me know if you like it or if you want me to continue.
Title: More Than You Think You Are
Summary: About 3 months after the season finale. Roz writes a letter to Frasier explaining the reasons behind her ultimatum. How will he react when he knows the truth?
Rating: PG I guess!
Feedback: Love it, hate it, tell me. Review and/or email me at kathleen@melaniedoane.com
Thanks to: Matchbox 20 for the title, and also for the song used in this chapter (and that will continue on in other chapters as well). And thanks to "The Frasier Files Transcripts," for all the scripts that caught me up on missed episodes of Frasier, and also for the references to dialogue in the episode "A New Position For Roz" (10.24).
PS: These (~~) are for when there's a flashback, or something else that should be in italics. I have yet to figure out how to get them to work!
******
It's raining again. Just like it has been every day for the past 3 months.
Okay, so it hasn't really been raining for that long, but for some reason I can't remember a time when the sun shined. The last time must have been before he cut me out of his life.
I guess I asked for it. I told him to choose. I just can't believe he picked her.
I hate her. I always have, but the hatred has increased so much more over the last while.
Or maybe I just hate myself.
The rain continues to fall outside my window. All I can do is watch it fall.
In a way, I'm like a raindrop. Falling through a big open space until I finally hit the bottom, breaking against the ground and disappearing into it.
Well, if anything is the bottom, this is it. And all I can keep thinking of is: what if I'm lost here forever?
"Mommy?" my daughter's voice cuts through my thoughts.
"Yes honey?" I reply, turning towards her.
"I'm bored. Can we go visit Eddie and Uncle Martin and Uncle Frasier?"
I sigh, hearing his name. "No honey, not today," is all I can say.
"Why not? I haven't seen them for a year!"
I smile slightly, thinking 'yes, it certainly feels as if it's been a year'. "I know, it's been a while sweetie, but, see, your Uncle Frasier and I, we, well, we sort of got into a fight."
"About what?"
"It's sort of complicated."
"Can't you just tell him you're sorry?" she asks me, her big round eyes looking like a puppy dog.
"I wish I could sweetie, but, well, grown-up problems are a little more difficult. I'll tell you what, why don't you go play with your dollies for a bit and then I'll take you to a movie!"
"Wow! Okay!" she exclaims excitedly, and exits skipping.
I smile for a moment, then turn back to watching the rain fall.
If only I could say I am sorry. If only I could tell him how much I miss him. If only everything could go back to normal, and we could forget about the whole thing.
I reach for the phone and begin to dial his number. It rings once, twice, three times...
He answers.
"Hello?" he says into the phone.
I hang up quickly.
This was not the first time I'd done this. Sometimes I'd call just to see if he was home. Other times, just to hear his voice.
I listened to his show every day, hearing his advice, wanting so badly to call in and ask him if he could forgive me.
But then he'd introduce her and I'd remember why I couldn't call him. I'd remember why I couldn't see him. I'd remember why I'd said what I'd said. I'd remember everything about our fight...
~
"Roz, you have no right to come over here and run her down to me. It's really none of your business!"
"This is my business!"
"And why?"
"Because, we're friends! I can't believe you're turning on me like this! I gave up a job that was ten times better to stay on your show!"
"Yes, and quite frankly, I don't understand that! Why exactly did you turn down that job?"
"Out of loyalty to you!"
"Loyalty to me? Are you sure? Are you sure it wasn't just fear? Are you sure you're not just using me as an excuse not to grow and move on?"
~
I knew he was right. I didn't want to move on. I didn't want to leave him behind with her, knowing that she could so easily take my place. Knowing that she could quite possibly be the woman who stole him away from me, this awful person who I hated, who didn't deserve him.
Not that I deserved him. He obviously knew that, given what his choice was. But the way he did it. It wasn't even a named answer. It was a gesture, with his arm around her, saying he'd have cake. I mean, why would she walk in anyway? She would have been able to hear us yelling!
~
Julia enters happily from the kitchen. "Who wants restaurant cake?"
"You're going to have to choose, Frasier."
"You will not put me in this position, Roz. We will discuss it later!"
"No! Tell me! It's her or me! Tell me now, or I swear to God I will walk out of here and I will not come back!"
Frasier pauses, then walks over to Julia and puts her arm around her. "Thank you, Julia, I think I will have some cake."
"Fine," I say, and I leave.
~
I hate that memory. I hate every memory I have of him. They only remind me of how much better my life was with him in it. And to think, the one who is making memories with him is Julia, well, that just makes me even angrier.
And depressed.
A raindrop hits my window and rolls down the glass onto the sill. It remains momentarily before disappearing amongst countless other raindrops.
That's me. I've smashed and fallen to the ground, and now I've disappeared amongst everyone else down here. I'm just a nameless face, lost and lingering in Frasier's past.
******
Someday they'll find your small town world on a big town avenue
Gonna make you like the way they talk when they're talking to you
Gonna make you break out of the shell cause they tell you to
Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth
They'll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say
They're gonna break your heart, yeah
--Hand Me Down, Matchbox 20
******
Thank for reading this chapter! Let me know if you like it or if you want me to continue.