The Day
by Tangent Line
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Time alone together is rare. I wanted to tell you about Sai today.
I suppose it's a little strange. Boys just don't ask other boys to meet them at the park, I guess. I couldn't think of anywhere else. My mother is too nosy and it would be rude of me to invite myself to your home. I'd thought of coffee shops and restaurants, but the weather has been nice, and it's easier to make sure no one is listening if you can look around yourself and see that no one is near. "The park." I said. "Around five." You asked me why, and I told you that I wanted to talk to you alone.
The look you gave me was ... smug. Knowing and full of satisfaction. And I thought "Good. He remembers my promise. He knows that the day is finally here." I was wrong.
Do you still wonder about the mystery of Sai? Do you still remember that once he was the only thing that made you look at me? If you do, the questions you once asked me have long been overshadowed by other questions, other curiosities, and other mysteries. For me, it was the only secret. It had started to weigh heavily on me. Sai deserved to be known and remembered by the whole world. Who was I to light my incense and say my prayers alone when shrines to my teacher should be erected in every parlor and go institute in Asia? Since I wasn't brave enough to tell the world, I had decided that it was time to tell you. With enough evidence and time, I was sure that I could make you believe me eventually. I needed someone to share my pain, and though you could never miss him as a beloved friend, you could appreciate the loss to the world of go and the struggle to reach the hand of god.
You needed me for that quest. Even if you didn't believe me ... even if you let yourself believe that I was deluded or unbalanced, you would eventually have to come back. I was confident that you needed our games as much as I did. I had seen how agitated you have become during the times I have denied you the chance to respond to my play. I was willing to risk your temporary disbelief to ease my burden of secrecy because I had faith in our destiny as rivals.
You were on time, and I was on time, and I sat there on the bench trying to decide how to talk calmly and casually about a secret so strange and so precious. "Listen, Touya, there are some things I need to talk to you about. I don't really ... know where to start."
"It's alright," you said. Just like that. "I think I already know."
It never occurred to me that I was naive. People tell me that I am, but I never gave it much thought. I liked girls well enough. I thought that someday I'd get married and embrace domesticity and family responsibility and maybe make a couple of little go players of my own, but the way I saw it, there wasn't any hurry. I was so busy with other things.
It never occurred to me that you weren't just as naive as I. There were girls after you all the time, and you always ignored them. I assumed it was because you liked go more than girls or because you were socially backward about kids your own age or because you, like me, figured that there was plenty of time for all of that.
It most *definitely* never occurred to me that you liked *me.*
Were there clues? Did things happen that should have prepared me? Because I wasn't prepared! I wasn't ready for this.
I froze as you leaned towards me. You must have sensed it when your lips touched mine. Did you think it was just nerves that made my breath stop? You pulled away. "Relax. I feel the same way."
My mind was a blur. I must have done *something* to make you believe this was what I wanted. I must have encouraged you in some way. You kissed me again, and this time I closed my eyes and tried to relax. If you believed I felt this way about you then ... maybe I really did. Hadn't you always been able to read every move I had? If I was in love with you, then there ought to be some enjoyment in a kiss.
I thought about you. About five years of strange rivalry and friendship. There was warmth and caring in the way you touched me. It made me feel dizzy and full of light. The word 'gay' never entered my mind. You were yourself. A beautiful and private person who suddenly offered himself to me. The thought of loving you made me scared. The thought of hurting you made me want to throw up. It didn't matter that you were a guy. You were always the most important person in my life, and whether it was what I had planned or not, I suddenly knew that I had to try anyway. My arms were around you and I kissed back. I mean, I tried to. I probably wasn't very good at it.
Things moved very quickly. Before I knew it, we were in your room. I think my voice shook. "Are you sure about this?"
"Very sure. I've been in love with you for such a long time ..."
I can't say that I regret it. If I hadn't been taken so completely off guard, I might have insisted on time to adjust, courtship, a slow physical progression. It's understandable, though, that to you there seemed to be no reason to wait. If I had loved you in silence for years, I probably wouldn't have wanted to wait either.
Before tonight, I never thought of you as gentle. If I didn't love you this morning, I do now. You've won. You've beaten me again. I've never felt so good in my entire life. You knew how to do these things. "Research," you said when I asked. Then you laughed and told me you've had a long time to think about this moment. I'd heard horror stories about how much it could hurt, but ... I have a feeling that you worked hard to spare me as much of that pain as possible.
You are sleeping now. I stare at the ceiling of your apartment, and I cry. When it started, I was crying because I was happy. This was unexpected, but it has been so wonderful to discover this side of you. For the first time since that day three years ago, I feel loved and protected. I know I can trust you with all my happiness for the rest of my life. The pleasure of our joining is still strong and I wish there were some way I could hold on to this feeling forever.
As I think back on the events of the day, however, my tears take on a different flavor. Sai. I didn't tell you about Sai. Worse, I can't tell you. Not now. Not soon. There is too much that is new and unsteady. The burden of my secret hurts again just when I'd believed I would find relief. I didn't care what you thought of me and my secret, but now ... Oh god, I can't risk it now. I can't bear to think of the suspicion you might feel, or the anger that after all this I would play games with your love of me or of go.
You murmur and snuggle closer to me in your sleep.
I know that love is formed on trust. Secrets like mine are bad for love. I breathe and I weep and I promise myself that I will regroup and try again to find a way to tell you one day. For my sake and for yours and Sai's. If I trust you and I earn your trust, eventually a day must come when I know I can tell you anything.
We're bound to be uncertain at first, my love. The day will come. I'll know it when it arrives.
You are awake now, wiping my tears with your long and calloused fingers. "I had a dream about you," you whisper. I smile and grasp your hand bringing it to my lips. "Hikaru ... Why are you crying?"
"I was just thinking."
You lean in to kiss me. It eases the pain in my heart. I'm surprised by my feelings. All I want is to be near you. There's no lust in your movements now; just a quiet closeness that is exactly what I need. "Sleep," you insist. "Think tomorrow."
"Tomorrow," I repeat enjoying the texture of your hair as it slips through my fingers. "Tomorrow is a very good day."
When I tell you, you will believe me. I am determined that we will have that kind of relationship.
You nod and lay your head on my chest. It stayed there until your breathing was deep and your heartbeat against my skin was faint and slow. I realized that your neck would be stiff when you woke up, but I didn't want to disturb you and I selfishly craved your warmth. You were brave today, and I prayed that you would forgive me a few more months of weakness.
I think ... I think that Sai would understand.
When he was through with his fit, I mean.
I smile as a hundred memories flood me. He could be childish, but he was always very perceptive and forgiving. I know he would be happy for me. And for you, my beloved. He always like you. He regretted deceiving you as much as I did.
I was tired and content and warm, and I couldn't help falling asleep.
---------------------------
Author's incoherent ramblings:
Stupid go boys! Why won't they leave me alone?!?
JK, anyway, another pointless story. I did want to clarify something I said earlier. I DON'T object to go metaphors. Anyone who actually READ my first story would know that. I'm just tired of the 'I'm going to win at love because I'm good at go' crap. Akira plays go for its own sake and not for the sake of winning. He CERTAINLY wouldn't think of love as just another challenge to be overcome at all costs. That's not only silly, it's becoming cliché.
My GOD the people in my office are loud. Why won't they let me write in peace? Don't they know what an inside voice is? They're less than two feet away from each other in a QUIET room!
Despite the challenges and the less than totally accepting welcome to fanfiction I received, I was able to finish this piece and I hope that some of you enjoy it. Even if you DON'T enjoy it, please leave honest comments anyway. Please? How else am I going to learn to write?
Thanks for reading!
---------------------------
Time alone together is rare. I wanted to tell you about Sai today.
I suppose it's a little strange. Boys just don't ask other boys to meet them at the park, I guess. I couldn't think of anywhere else. My mother is too nosy and it would be rude of me to invite myself to your home. I'd thought of coffee shops and restaurants, but the weather has been nice, and it's easier to make sure no one is listening if you can look around yourself and see that no one is near. "The park." I said. "Around five." You asked me why, and I told you that I wanted to talk to you alone.
The look you gave me was ... smug. Knowing and full of satisfaction. And I thought "Good. He remembers my promise. He knows that the day is finally here." I was wrong.
Do you still wonder about the mystery of Sai? Do you still remember that once he was the only thing that made you look at me? If you do, the questions you once asked me have long been overshadowed by other questions, other curiosities, and other mysteries. For me, it was the only secret. It had started to weigh heavily on me. Sai deserved to be known and remembered by the whole world. Who was I to light my incense and say my prayers alone when shrines to my teacher should be erected in every parlor and go institute in Asia? Since I wasn't brave enough to tell the world, I had decided that it was time to tell you. With enough evidence and time, I was sure that I could make you believe me eventually. I needed someone to share my pain, and though you could never miss him as a beloved friend, you could appreciate the loss to the world of go and the struggle to reach the hand of god.
You needed me for that quest. Even if you didn't believe me ... even if you let yourself believe that I was deluded or unbalanced, you would eventually have to come back. I was confident that you needed our games as much as I did. I had seen how agitated you have become during the times I have denied you the chance to respond to my play. I was willing to risk your temporary disbelief to ease my burden of secrecy because I had faith in our destiny as rivals.
You were on time, and I was on time, and I sat there on the bench trying to decide how to talk calmly and casually about a secret so strange and so precious. "Listen, Touya, there are some things I need to talk to you about. I don't really ... know where to start."
"It's alright," you said. Just like that. "I think I already know."
It never occurred to me that I was naive. People tell me that I am, but I never gave it much thought. I liked girls well enough. I thought that someday I'd get married and embrace domesticity and family responsibility and maybe make a couple of little go players of my own, but the way I saw it, there wasn't any hurry. I was so busy with other things.
It never occurred to me that you weren't just as naive as I. There were girls after you all the time, and you always ignored them. I assumed it was because you liked go more than girls or because you were socially backward about kids your own age or because you, like me, figured that there was plenty of time for all of that.
It most *definitely* never occurred to me that you liked *me.*
Were there clues? Did things happen that should have prepared me? Because I wasn't prepared! I wasn't ready for this.
I froze as you leaned towards me. You must have sensed it when your lips touched mine. Did you think it was just nerves that made my breath stop? You pulled away. "Relax. I feel the same way."
My mind was a blur. I must have done *something* to make you believe this was what I wanted. I must have encouraged you in some way. You kissed me again, and this time I closed my eyes and tried to relax. If you believed I felt this way about you then ... maybe I really did. Hadn't you always been able to read every move I had? If I was in love with you, then there ought to be some enjoyment in a kiss.
I thought about you. About five years of strange rivalry and friendship. There was warmth and caring in the way you touched me. It made me feel dizzy and full of light. The word 'gay' never entered my mind. You were yourself. A beautiful and private person who suddenly offered himself to me. The thought of loving you made me scared. The thought of hurting you made me want to throw up. It didn't matter that you were a guy. You were always the most important person in my life, and whether it was what I had planned or not, I suddenly knew that I had to try anyway. My arms were around you and I kissed back. I mean, I tried to. I probably wasn't very good at it.
Things moved very quickly. Before I knew it, we were in your room. I think my voice shook. "Are you sure about this?"
"Very sure. I've been in love with you for such a long time ..."
I can't say that I regret it. If I hadn't been taken so completely off guard, I might have insisted on time to adjust, courtship, a slow physical progression. It's understandable, though, that to you there seemed to be no reason to wait. If I had loved you in silence for years, I probably wouldn't have wanted to wait either.
Before tonight, I never thought of you as gentle. If I didn't love you this morning, I do now. You've won. You've beaten me again. I've never felt so good in my entire life. You knew how to do these things. "Research," you said when I asked. Then you laughed and told me you've had a long time to think about this moment. I'd heard horror stories about how much it could hurt, but ... I have a feeling that you worked hard to spare me as much of that pain as possible.
You are sleeping now. I stare at the ceiling of your apartment, and I cry. When it started, I was crying because I was happy. This was unexpected, but it has been so wonderful to discover this side of you. For the first time since that day three years ago, I feel loved and protected. I know I can trust you with all my happiness for the rest of my life. The pleasure of our joining is still strong and I wish there were some way I could hold on to this feeling forever.
As I think back on the events of the day, however, my tears take on a different flavor. Sai. I didn't tell you about Sai. Worse, I can't tell you. Not now. Not soon. There is too much that is new and unsteady. The burden of my secret hurts again just when I'd believed I would find relief. I didn't care what you thought of me and my secret, but now ... Oh god, I can't risk it now. I can't bear to think of the suspicion you might feel, or the anger that after all this I would play games with your love of me or of go.
You murmur and snuggle closer to me in your sleep.
I know that love is formed on trust. Secrets like mine are bad for love. I breathe and I weep and I promise myself that I will regroup and try again to find a way to tell you one day. For my sake and for yours and Sai's. If I trust you and I earn your trust, eventually a day must come when I know I can tell you anything.
We're bound to be uncertain at first, my love. The day will come. I'll know it when it arrives.
You are awake now, wiping my tears with your long and calloused fingers. "I had a dream about you," you whisper. I smile and grasp your hand bringing it to my lips. "Hikaru ... Why are you crying?"
"I was just thinking."
You lean in to kiss me. It eases the pain in my heart. I'm surprised by my feelings. All I want is to be near you. There's no lust in your movements now; just a quiet closeness that is exactly what I need. "Sleep," you insist. "Think tomorrow."
"Tomorrow," I repeat enjoying the texture of your hair as it slips through my fingers. "Tomorrow is a very good day."
When I tell you, you will believe me. I am determined that we will have that kind of relationship.
You nod and lay your head on my chest. It stayed there until your breathing was deep and your heartbeat against my skin was faint and slow. I realized that your neck would be stiff when you woke up, but I didn't want to disturb you and I selfishly craved your warmth. You were brave today, and I prayed that you would forgive me a few more months of weakness.
I think ... I think that Sai would understand.
When he was through with his fit, I mean.
I smile as a hundred memories flood me. He could be childish, but he was always very perceptive and forgiving. I know he would be happy for me. And for you, my beloved. He always like you. He regretted deceiving you as much as I did.
I was tired and content and warm, and I couldn't help falling asleep.
---------------------------
Author's incoherent ramblings:
Stupid go boys! Why won't they leave me alone?!?
JK, anyway, another pointless story. I did want to clarify something I said earlier. I DON'T object to go metaphors. Anyone who actually READ my first story would know that. I'm just tired of the 'I'm going to win at love because I'm good at go' crap. Akira plays go for its own sake and not for the sake of winning. He CERTAINLY wouldn't think of love as just another challenge to be overcome at all costs. That's not only silly, it's becoming cliché.
My GOD the people in my office are loud. Why won't they let me write in peace? Don't they know what an inside voice is? They're less than two feet away from each other in a QUIET room!
Despite the challenges and the less than totally accepting welcome to fanfiction I received, I was able to finish this piece and I hope that some of you enjoy it. Even if you DON'T enjoy it, please leave honest comments anyway. Please? How else am I going to learn to write?
Thanks for reading!