Rockin On
a Final Fantasy Humour Fic
discalimer: shoot me....now....
okay, under the influence of loadsa stuff. Just read some discworld and stuff, listening to loadsa stuff, mostly jethro tull and some remote heavy goth metal, even tho i ain't no goth meself. And anyone can look good in black, so stop complaining....
Vox Dei Vox Humana Vox Diabolica!!!!!!! YAY!! Psycho stuff!
Okay, i'm thinkin og including Death in this somehow, like, the grim reaper. Maybe an organist? give me ya thoughts. no can me spellchekka use.
sorry this has been so long in the making, i've had lotsa coursework on and stuff, forgive me.
*********************************************************************** Chapter Whateveritisnow: More and more ritual screwing up, and the Appearence of Death.
Picture the scene. All is quiet. The towering stacks of PA and Ampage are staying silent, humming gently under teh pent-up strain of thousands of watts, ready to send teh world into overdrive and produce a sound that makes you want to ascend teh sky on steps of fire and live forever..... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... The tension is killing me, ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... Until, that is, one of the valves overheats and teh entire thing goes ...... ..... ..... ..... Bang. ..... ..... .... .... Squall: That was pathetic, ya know....
KOV; Give a monkeys?
All: Monkeys?
KOV: I thought i told you to sod off last chapter......*picks up a discarded length of chain AGAIN* Teehee...
All: Okay man, i'm goin....*dissapears with a puff of sulphur and is replaced by a blue pineapple from teh forests of Ffquing!!scrngureahow, the planet where, despite all odds, the residents can cook instant macaroni cheese without making it taste like, um, something you'd rather not have tasted.*
*SLAP*
Quistis: Where's teh ouch?
DAY: Hah! I've recently accquired (inbetween the previous chapter and this mess of crumbled ideas and crushed ambitions) an Automatic-KOV-Slapping- Device, calibrated to slap KOV whenever he goes a teensy bit off the rails.
KOV: Hmm, could work...A small test is in order..
Zell: Why're ya talkin like a geek?
KOV: Becauase, you freaky Bruce-Lee-Worshipper!
*SLAP*
Irvine: Bigods, it works?
All: Bigods?
KOV: Last warning man.....
All; Okay, i'm on a c.o..mm.i.ssi.on...*fades into distance*
KOV: Good riddance. Okay, i'll jsut get this amp fixed...*leans over amp with a large lump hammer and starts muttering*
Selphie: Whee!! Whee!! Whee!!
*SLAP*
DAY: Look, she does not sound like him! Okay!
Irvine: Oh, i dunno....
Quistis: What was that mr Kinneas? I'm sure you'd like to share the joke with the whole class!
*SLAP*
DAY: And yet again, she does not sound like her or him!
Irvine: and Yet again, i ain't so sure...
Irvine gets pinned to the back wall by a sudden burst of extended maxed-out riffng
KOV: *puts down teh Les Paul and flicks the amp onto standby* *with forced innocence* oh i am sorry, was i disturbing you, Irvine mate? *friendly grin with hints of things that lurk in Jungles and attack water buffalo, and only blink 3 times a year*
Irvine: Er, um, no, really...
KOV: Oh, i'm sure it was a perfectly innocent comment and totally able to be shared in mixed company! *or possibly things that only need to eat once a year, and ambush antelope in muddy rivers...*
Irvine: Erm, i only said that ya sounded a bit like Quis...
KOV: WRONG ANSWER! *Irvine suddenly gets his body compressed into a space much, much samller tahn an atom*
Time suddenly thickens, and takes on a tinny taste.
Death: WHAT HO, KINNEAS. I TRUST THAT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENINN?
Irvine: Er, no man. You're death, right?
Death: NOT QUITE, I PREFER DEATH, WITH TEH CAPITAL, YUH?
Irvine: Yeah, i guess soooooooo...... *Irvien dissapears*
Death: BUGGER. *Death follows irvine back to teh festval hall at Balamb*
Death: HEY, YOU, KOV. YOU'RE THE ONE WHOSE MUCKING UP MY SCHEDULE, YES? ALL THIS AUTHOR MAGIC STUFF, BRINGING PEOPLE BACK TO LIFE JUST WHNE I TURN UP. I'VE GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU, CULLY. I'M MISSING A VERY RPOMISING PLAGUE IN TRABIA FOR THIS, YOU KNOW....
KOV: Look, just shut up will you, i'm sniffing teh valves.....*snort* *snort*
Death: I'M SURE THERE'S SOMETHING PERVERTED IN THAT.....ANYHOW.....COWER, BRIEF MORTAL, FOR I AM THE ASSASIN GAINST WHOM NO LOCK WILL HOLD NOR FASTEN'D PORTAL BAR, COME TO TAKE MY TALLY ON THIS NIGHT OF KINGS, MY TALLY OF.....
KOV: Look, just sod off back to whereever ya came from, alright man....
Death, nonplussed (because not many people get to talk to Death like that, twice, at any rate) lets out a gutteral roar from his bleached skull and charges KOV, wielding his sycthe with the expertise of one who has had eternity to get good. ... ... ... ... Until, that is, DAY raises one finger and pins Death against the wall, several feet up in the air.
Death: AH, AVATARR'S PERSONAL GRAVITAIONAL UPSET, EH? FOOLISH PERISHABLE MORTAL, THOU SHALT NOT KNOW THE BOUNDS OF MY RAGE!
KOV: *snort* Shut up man, i've always had the upmost respect for you, but charging moi, when a very good friend of mine is standing behind you with a loaded finger? you may be the Ultimate reality, but in this universe, you can play something and make yourself useful.
Death (suddenly interested): LIKE WHAT......
KOV: Like...This?
KOV mutters a few words under his breath and, with fingers splayed, becomes the centre of a far expanding corona of randomised magic, which ultimately culminates in the materialisation of a massive church organ, complete with all of teh necessary requirements as to making A LOT OF RACKET, with as much ease as possible.
Death (wandering over now that the effects of teh spell have worn off): HMMM....I LIKE TEH ECHOS OF THIS, 128-FOOT EARTHQUAKE PIPE, SEVERAL KEYBOARDS FULL OF SOUND EFFECTS, QUADRUPLE-MANUAL DECK.....WHAT'S THIS? THERE'S 12 STOPS HERE MARKED WITH "?"! AND THREE, YES, THREE THAT HAVE FADED WARNINGS IN 5 LANGUAGES AND A SKULL AND CROSSBONES NEXT TO THEM. YES, I LIKE THIS.....RIGHT, TOME TO COMMENCE!
Death, in his earnest drive to try everything, pulls out all of teh stops, including those 15 that nobody knows about, Vox Dei, Vox Humana and Vox Diabolica, positions his bony feet over some of the more perilous pedals and waits...pondering...teh immense build-up of stress making every available seam whisltle with rpessure....... ... ... ... ... ... ... His hands come down, and the world goes into overdrive, white hot volume casting the eye into blackness through protection, a sound so loud that it becomes scarcely sound at all and turns into a solid force, unable to be rated on the decibel scale but better suited to a scale somewhere on a wisp of cirro-stratus in the ionosphere... ... on a pogo stick.... .... possibly also up a flight of staris as well.... .... .... come on, you get the idea..... ... ... ... As you can see, i'm just filling in the spaces with dots so as to create a feeling of suspense, without making anybody realise taht i can't actually think of anything...... .... .... ... All goes fine, until the 128-foot Earthquake pipe, having bore strain beyond it's physical limits, takes off like a Saturn rocket in a burst of corpulent black flame, and lands in the upper gallery.
KOV: Youch man, go easy on the Vox Dei stop, i really can't be bothered to pump the bellows up again..
Death: CERTAINLY GUV, NOW, WHAT WERE WE PLAYING AGAIN?
DAY: I believe taht we were curently arguing about whether KOV, Ie, that psycho who's in charge of this mess, sounds like HER, Selphie, that squeaky nutter in the yellow, or HER, Quistis, the psychotic schoolteacher with the whip.
Quistis: I don'thave to take that kind of language from you young lady! After-school detention!
Squall: Man, i'm gonna shut her up.....*tapes quistis' mouth up with some black gaffa tape*
Selphie: Aroundofapplauseforthequietguyhosayswhatevertoomuch!
Irvine: Ya shouldn't have given her caffiene man.....
KOV: Shut-up pretty-boy, i'm still far too racked-off with you to talk to yuou in a direct fashion....
All: Racked-off?
KOV: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GO!!!!! SEE, FIVE EXCALIMATION MARKS!!!!! SURELY THE MARK OF A DISTURBED MIND!!!!!
DAY: Distorted mind man, really.
KOV: TRULY!!!!!
Death: ABSOLUTELY, NOW, CAN WE GET ON WITH THE ROCKING, OR AM I JUST GOING TO SATND HERE LOOKING ORNAMENTAL?
KOV: Sorry, Sorry....*puff* *pant* Ok, and now...*magics everyone back on stage for the umpteenth time*...We can get on with playing stuff. now we have an organist, we can expand our reppetiorre, ladies and gennnelmen!
The Band (hah, clever use of refraining from saying all and provoking another chain-ridden outburst from KOV there....): Oh no.......
KOV: Yes, Truly, and verily, possibly with a few yeas in there as well, let us commence.....
The Band, Distorted Minds, finally manage to play some coherent music, to the tune of Sonne, by Rammstein (a totally cool band as well by the way), even tho we're in the parallel ff8 universe....i'll work out some inadvisably applied physics to explain the inter-universal shift later on......*beep* *fzzzt*
All goes well, Death providing backing vocals in the subsonic register for the verses, DAY handling the high bits through a magically materialised synth, yet unbeknownst to them, something dreadful is about to happen......
*********************************************************************** Yet another cheesy cliffhanger, when will it all end. Rammstein are very cool. The track i stated, Sonne, is also great. If ya wanna listen, it's Track 20, CD 1 of Kerrang 2, the album. The one with the leaping guy in teh parka on it, yeah, ya see! I wonder what this dreadful thing could possibly be? Speculate in your reviews, pleez, ladies and gennelmen! Edward shall be very angry if you don't....
Edward: Durn Right......*pulls oiut asparachucks and starts making mufled kung-fu noises on a dummy marked Non-Reviewers* Mwahahahah Vox Diabolica! Also speculate on what that organ stop would be if this were real life and you could create it. I reckon some kinda resonant bass stop, with lots of crunchy distortion.
Knight_Of_Valhala.
discalimer: shoot me....now....
okay, under the influence of loadsa stuff. Just read some discworld and stuff, listening to loadsa stuff, mostly jethro tull and some remote heavy goth metal, even tho i ain't no goth meself. And anyone can look good in black, so stop complaining....
Vox Dei Vox Humana Vox Diabolica!!!!!!! YAY!! Psycho stuff!
Okay, i'm thinkin og including Death in this somehow, like, the grim reaper. Maybe an organist? give me ya thoughts. no can me spellchekka use.
sorry this has been so long in the making, i've had lotsa coursework on and stuff, forgive me.
*********************************************************************** Chapter Whateveritisnow: More and more ritual screwing up, and the Appearence of Death.
Picture the scene. All is quiet. The towering stacks of PA and Ampage are staying silent, humming gently under teh pent-up strain of thousands of watts, ready to send teh world into overdrive and produce a sound that makes you want to ascend teh sky on steps of fire and live forever..... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... The tension is killing me, ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... Until, that is, one of the valves overheats and teh entire thing goes ...... ..... ..... ..... Bang. ..... ..... .... .... Squall: That was pathetic, ya know....
KOV; Give a monkeys?
All: Monkeys?
KOV: I thought i told you to sod off last chapter......*picks up a discarded length of chain AGAIN* Teehee...
All: Okay man, i'm goin....*dissapears with a puff of sulphur and is replaced by a blue pineapple from teh forests of Ffquing!!scrngureahow, the planet where, despite all odds, the residents can cook instant macaroni cheese without making it taste like, um, something you'd rather not have tasted.*
*SLAP*
Quistis: Where's teh ouch?
DAY: Hah! I've recently accquired (inbetween the previous chapter and this mess of crumbled ideas and crushed ambitions) an Automatic-KOV-Slapping- Device, calibrated to slap KOV whenever he goes a teensy bit off the rails.
KOV: Hmm, could work...A small test is in order..
Zell: Why're ya talkin like a geek?
KOV: Becauase, you freaky Bruce-Lee-Worshipper!
*SLAP*
Irvine: Bigods, it works?
All: Bigods?
KOV: Last warning man.....
All; Okay, i'm on a c.o..mm.i.ssi.on...*fades into distance*
KOV: Good riddance. Okay, i'll jsut get this amp fixed...*leans over amp with a large lump hammer and starts muttering*
Selphie: Whee!! Whee!! Whee!!
*SLAP*
DAY: Look, she does not sound like him! Okay!
Irvine: Oh, i dunno....
Quistis: What was that mr Kinneas? I'm sure you'd like to share the joke with the whole class!
*SLAP*
DAY: And yet again, she does not sound like her or him!
Irvine: and Yet again, i ain't so sure...
Irvine gets pinned to the back wall by a sudden burst of extended maxed-out riffng
KOV: *puts down teh Les Paul and flicks the amp onto standby* *with forced innocence* oh i am sorry, was i disturbing you, Irvine mate? *friendly grin with hints of things that lurk in Jungles and attack water buffalo, and only blink 3 times a year*
Irvine: Er, um, no, really...
KOV: Oh, i'm sure it was a perfectly innocent comment and totally able to be shared in mixed company! *or possibly things that only need to eat once a year, and ambush antelope in muddy rivers...*
Irvine: Erm, i only said that ya sounded a bit like Quis...
KOV: WRONG ANSWER! *Irvine suddenly gets his body compressed into a space much, much samller tahn an atom*
Time suddenly thickens, and takes on a tinny taste.
Death: WHAT HO, KINNEAS. I TRUST THAT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENINN?
Irvine: Er, no man. You're death, right?
Death: NOT QUITE, I PREFER DEATH, WITH TEH CAPITAL, YUH?
Irvine: Yeah, i guess soooooooo...... *Irvien dissapears*
Death: BUGGER. *Death follows irvine back to teh festval hall at Balamb*
Death: HEY, YOU, KOV. YOU'RE THE ONE WHOSE MUCKING UP MY SCHEDULE, YES? ALL THIS AUTHOR MAGIC STUFF, BRINGING PEOPLE BACK TO LIFE JUST WHNE I TURN UP. I'VE GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU, CULLY. I'M MISSING A VERY RPOMISING PLAGUE IN TRABIA FOR THIS, YOU KNOW....
KOV: Look, just shut up will you, i'm sniffing teh valves.....*snort* *snort*
Death: I'M SURE THERE'S SOMETHING PERVERTED IN THAT.....ANYHOW.....COWER, BRIEF MORTAL, FOR I AM THE ASSASIN GAINST WHOM NO LOCK WILL HOLD NOR FASTEN'D PORTAL BAR, COME TO TAKE MY TALLY ON THIS NIGHT OF KINGS, MY TALLY OF.....
KOV: Look, just sod off back to whereever ya came from, alright man....
Death, nonplussed (because not many people get to talk to Death like that, twice, at any rate) lets out a gutteral roar from his bleached skull and charges KOV, wielding his sycthe with the expertise of one who has had eternity to get good. ... ... ... ... Until, that is, DAY raises one finger and pins Death against the wall, several feet up in the air.
Death: AH, AVATARR'S PERSONAL GRAVITAIONAL UPSET, EH? FOOLISH PERISHABLE MORTAL, THOU SHALT NOT KNOW THE BOUNDS OF MY RAGE!
KOV: *snort* Shut up man, i've always had the upmost respect for you, but charging moi, when a very good friend of mine is standing behind you with a loaded finger? you may be the Ultimate reality, but in this universe, you can play something and make yourself useful.
Death (suddenly interested): LIKE WHAT......
KOV: Like...This?
KOV mutters a few words under his breath and, with fingers splayed, becomes the centre of a far expanding corona of randomised magic, which ultimately culminates in the materialisation of a massive church organ, complete with all of teh necessary requirements as to making A LOT OF RACKET, with as much ease as possible.
Death (wandering over now that the effects of teh spell have worn off): HMMM....I LIKE TEH ECHOS OF THIS, 128-FOOT EARTHQUAKE PIPE, SEVERAL KEYBOARDS FULL OF SOUND EFFECTS, QUADRUPLE-MANUAL DECK.....WHAT'S THIS? THERE'S 12 STOPS HERE MARKED WITH "?"! AND THREE, YES, THREE THAT HAVE FADED WARNINGS IN 5 LANGUAGES AND A SKULL AND CROSSBONES NEXT TO THEM. YES, I LIKE THIS.....RIGHT, TOME TO COMMENCE!
Death, in his earnest drive to try everything, pulls out all of teh stops, including those 15 that nobody knows about, Vox Dei, Vox Humana and Vox Diabolica, positions his bony feet over some of the more perilous pedals and waits...pondering...teh immense build-up of stress making every available seam whisltle with rpessure....... ... ... ... ... ... ... His hands come down, and the world goes into overdrive, white hot volume casting the eye into blackness through protection, a sound so loud that it becomes scarcely sound at all and turns into a solid force, unable to be rated on the decibel scale but better suited to a scale somewhere on a wisp of cirro-stratus in the ionosphere... ... on a pogo stick.... .... possibly also up a flight of staris as well.... .... .... come on, you get the idea..... ... ... ... As you can see, i'm just filling in the spaces with dots so as to create a feeling of suspense, without making anybody realise taht i can't actually think of anything...... .... .... ... All goes fine, until the 128-foot Earthquake pipe, having bore strain beyond it's physical limits, takes off like a Saturn rocket in a burst of corpulent black flame, and lands in the upper gallery.
KOV: Youch man, go easy on the Vox Dei stop, i really can't be bothered to pump the bellows up again..
Death: CERTAINLY GUV, NOW, WHAT WERE WE PLAYING AGAIN?
DAY: I believe taht we were curently arguing about whether KOV, Ie, that psycho who's in charge of this mess, sounds like HER, Selphie, that squeaky nutter in the yellow, or HER, Quistis, the psychotic schoolteacher with the whip.
Quistis: I don'thave to take that kind of language from you young lady! After-school detention!
Squall: Man, i'm gonna shut her up.....*tapes quistis' mouth up with some black gaffa tape*
Selphie: Aroundofapplauseforthequietguyhosayswhatevertoomuch!
Irvine: Ya shouldn't have given her caffiene man.....
KOV: Shut-up pretty-boy, i'm still far too racked-off with you to talk to yuou in a direct fashion....
All: Racked-off?
KOV: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GO!!!!! SEE, FIVE EXCALIMATION MARKS!!!!! SURELY THE MARK OF A DISTURBED MIND!!!!!
DAY: Distorted mind man, really.
KOV: TRULY!!!!!
Death: ABSOLUTELY, NOW, CAN WE GET ON WITH THE ROCKING, OR AM I JUST GOING TO SATND HERE LOOKING ORNAMENTAL?
KOV: Sorry, Sorry....*puff* *pant* Ok, and now...*magics everyone back on stage for the umpteenth time*...We can get on with playing stuff. now we have an organist, we can expand our reppetiorre, ladies and gennnelmen!
The Band (hah, clever use of refraining from saying all and provoking another chain-ridden outburst from KOV there....): Oh no.......
KOV: Yes, Truly, and verily, possibly with a few yeas in there as well, let us commence.....
The Band, Distorted Minds, finally manage to play some coherent music, to the tune of Sonne, by Rammstein (a totally cool band as well by the way), even tho we're in the parallel ff8 universe....i'll work out some inadvisably applied physics to explain the inter-universal shift later on......*beep* *fzzzt*
All goes well, Death providing backing vocals in the subsonic register for the verses, DAY handling the high bits through a magically materialised synth, yet unbeknownst to them, something dreadful is about to happen......
*********************************************************************** Yet another cheesy cliffhanger, when will it all end. Rammstein are very cool. The track i stated, Sonne, is also great. If ya wanna listen, it's Track 20, CD 1 of Kerrang 2, the album. The one with the leaping guy in teh parka on it, yeah, ya see! I wonder what this dreadful thing could possibly be? Speculate in your reviews, pleez, ladies and gennelmen! Edward shall be very angry if you don't....
Edward: Durn Right......*pulls oiut asparachucks and starts making mufled kung-fu noises on a dummy marked Non-Reviewers* Mwahahahah Vox Diabolica! Also speculate on what that organ stop would be if this were real life and you could create it. I reckon some kinda resonant bass stop, with lots of crunchy distortion.
Knight_Of_Valhala.