* * * * * *
Oh God, I think I could go all the way with him: marriage, kids, white picket fence… but first I suppose we'd have to go all the way the other way. We're good together, we look together, we feel good together: we just aren't together. I always feel like I've got him halfway to bed and then his righteous side kicks in, one of us mentions commitment and it becomes official: HRJ has left the building. For this reason I think it'd have to be on the spur of the moment with us… I've always imagined it as sheer damned desire, a no-strings-attached affair and afterwards we could talk, because afterwards it will be easier to talk.
I sound like a slut: we'll discuss specifics in the morning, but I want it
right here, right now. (Mmm, yes, God yes, right there…oh God *Sarah Mackenzie
is cruelly pulled out of her suitably steamy fantasy by the cold harsh reality
of her best friend not loving her back*)
"Not true," I whispered quietly.
But I don't think I could sit opposite him, look him in the eye and discuss having sex with him. Oh no Harmon Rabb Jnr, that conversation will never result in the act, more likely I'll end up laughing hysterically in discomfort and you backing away. (Not that that would be a bad thing, the more physical distance between us during that debate the better… God knows what I'd do to you if you were that close in a conversation like that…)
I laughed a little. God she was an amazing woman. I made a mental note to ensure there was as little physical distance as possible when we had that conversation.
Well we're on a submarine now. In fact, you're lying right above me as I write this. All I can think of is how you said we weren't married. Oh God Harm, sometimes I wish you weren't such a flyboy. Cuz I'm sure it's the dress whites and gold wings that encourage your intense phobia of fidelity. They look damn sexy, but if all I ever get to do is look, I don't know how I'll die a satisfied woman. *sighs* I'm a walking contradiction. Now that I've told you to quit being a flyboy, I'm gonna beg with you to be one more often. (As long as you're MY flyboy and I get to remove the wings and the whites every once in a while) Commit to me damnit (just physically, the emotional stuff can come later), love me just once, one stupid, lustful, passionate fling in some foreign country. And for just one night, one foolish (but rewarding, I promise you *winks*) night, would you please call me Sarah instead of Mac?
I think I'll go take a cold shower now.
Love you, as always, Mac (who wants to be called Sarah…)
I grinned. God knows what would've happened on that submarine had I known what she was thinking.
"Call you Sarah for just one night?" I asked her in her absence, "Colonel, when I finally get around to making love to you it will not be a one time affair."
If I ever stop crying I may be able to write something coherent, until then, you're stuck with a crushed woman. He said no. Oh how could I have been so wrong about the way I thought he felt about me? It was getting obviously mutual in some ways, but tonight, why would he not go there with me tonight if he felt the same way? We're on another side of the planet from our ordinary lives, living amongst a different culture (which despite its apparent laziness has an underlying charm and exotic, albeit smog ridden, air), in one of the most beautiful places in the world… and he still doesn't jump. I don't get it, or else I don't want to get it. It's perfectly obvious actually when you consider it objectively, through the eyes of Mac the Marine, not Sarah the love struck woman. Contrary to the widely held belief, with which I previously concurred, Harmon Rabb does in fact make sense. When you stop looking at his actions with the assumption that he loves me, it's all incredibly simple. He doesn't want to hurt me. He doesn't love me, so he said wait, because it's his way of 'letting me down gently'. Had love not been so blind I might have seen it before, but now I do, and I realise: Harm doesn't love me. And so no matter how much I love him, I have to move on from that, because I can't chase a dream forever with no hope of it becoming a reality. I can't wait for eternity, but I'll still love him then.
Oh God. Again, she'd got the wrong message. I didn't want to 'let her down' gently or otherwise. I didn't want to hurt her and I certainly didn't want her to end up engaged to another man. I had been 100% totally in love with Sarah Mackenzie that night in Sydney- I just felt that getting together then would've been for all the wrong reasons and none of the right ones. I didn't want to throw away everything we had away because of one stupid night in a foreign country. Mac was worth more to me than that. She still is. I refuse to sleep with her before all the stuff that comes before sex, like a relationship, dates, and conversations, that sort of thing. Just because we're best friends doesn't mean we can just fall into bed together without any thought for the ramifications. Then again, had I known that four days later she'd be dating/engaged to Mic Brumby, things might've been different in Sydney, cuz even though it wasn't worth losing her because of sex, it certainly wasn't worth losing her over no sex.
I've discovered something wonderful: rebounding to one man from another is not always a bad thing. Sometimes a woman can be incredibly lucky, like me with Mic. Not only do I have a gorgeous rock on my right hand (and I say Harm's afraid of commitment!) but I also have a wonderful Australian boyfriend in my kitchen. Definitely lucky. I'd be thanking my lucky stars in fact, but I can't see them from here. (The Southern Cross is officially my lucky constellation… I still remember when he proposed, it was right above me! *smiles* I thought it was stupid at the time, but now it's all really sweet!) I still haven't said yes. I feel a little guilty about that. He's quit his job and moved here to be with me, and I'm still not sure whether we love each other enough for me to marry him. I don't know. Maybe I'm a little afraid of a repeat of my last experience with matrimony to rush into anything. But he's so patient with me… which only makes me feel more guilty about not saying yes.
*laughs*
Well this entry is different to most of the others, I don't believe I've gushed about Harm at all the entire time.
Harm. *Winces*. Yeah, he broke my heart in Sydney, he really did. But his reaction to Mic was… a little colder than icy. Below absolute zero one could say. Maybe most of it's jealousy, but every now and then I see him looking at me and I can't help but shake the feeling that maybe I've hurt him too. *Sighs* He tries to be happy for me, I can see he wants me to be happy, but I just… I just have second thoughts about his intentions that night now. Maybe I read him all wrong. Either way, we're a lot less complicated than we used to be. Harm is nothing if not a gentleman, and while I'm sure I've seen him looking, I know he'd never act upon any desire of his to be with another man's girlfriend. And I guess that's what I am… otherwise engaged. Engaged? God, am I engaged to Mic? Will I be engaged to Mic? Yes. Yes I think I will be.
I wanted to stop reading, but I forced myself to reach the end of the entry. How had I managed to force her into the arms of someone else? Why couldn't I just tell her how I felt then, now…? To risk losing her because I was afraid of taking the risk of being with her made little sense.
* * * * * *