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I can't believe what just happened. He kissed me, at my engagement party. (Due my state of disbelief, I'm sure you all picked up on the fact that I am not talking about my fiancée.) That bittersweet conversation on the balcony… it makes me cry, but it makes me smile too. We share so many memories, so many ups and downs and twists, turns, loops and drops. But he kissed me.
"You have someone who will always love you Sarah."
What is that supposed to mean? He used my first name. Is he talking about him? I doubt that he's talking about Mic, so is he talking about God? And that wasn't the first time he brought up love either.
"He was right you know."
"About what?"
"Some people being in love with you."
"What people, what people?" I had asked him. Oh I so desperately want to know what people. I need to know. I can't marry someone else if I don't know. If he can't look me in the eye and honestly tell me that he doesn't love me… then I don't know why I'm engaged to another man.
That kiss.
I'm sure Mic can tell I've kissed him. I can still taste that kiss on the balcony. That was not a good-bye kiss, we both knew that. If it had been a good-bye kiss the tongues wouldn't have been involved, the desire in me screaming to be acted upon. God, one more kiss and I wouldn't be marrying someone else, I'd be sharing a bed with Harm and sleeping enveloped in his arms every night for eternity.
Get a hold of yourself Mackenzie. You can't be engaged and thinking thoughts like that with regard to your best friend. If one kiss can turn my head I don't know how our marriage will survive. Of course it wasn't just any kiss. It was a kiss from Harm, and he has never had any trouble turning my head. Lord, I wish that for one night you could've released us from the misfortunes of circumstance. If that conversation had happened at any other party, if that kiss had happened on any other occasion, I'm sure the resulting circumstances would be entirely different.
That conversation was so confusing. The only thing I fully understood was what
I meant when I said he'd have someone that will always love him. That meant I
still love Harm. And yet I'm marrying someone else in two weeks…
I'd been thinking exactly the same thing about that kiss. I can't remember why I apologised to her, I should've kissed her again and again until I finally managed to kiss some sense into her. I loved her. How could she have married someone else? It still made me feel sick to think that she had come within a day of marrying another man, and I had come a day within losing her forever.
The famous Rabb nerve! He's going flying the day before my wedding. The DAY before my wedding. He's missing the rehearsal dinner and he probably won't make it the ceremony. But he *has* to be there. How can I get married without my best friend, the most important person in my life, present? Damn him. If I didn't know better I'd say he was avoiding it for some reason. But why wouldn't he want me to marry Mic?
I've realised what a stupid question that was, given his comments at my engagement party. He apologised for that the other day. I don't know why, it was the sweetest damn kiss I've ever participated in in my life.
So what if Harm loves me and the reason he's not going to be there is because he doesn't want to see me marry someone else?
That doesn't give him the right to just NOT come. Flying, again flying is more important than my special day. The jerk. I am never speaking to him again if he is not there.
I couldn't resist a grin. I knew she'd been pissed off to say the least when I'd told her I was going to fly my quals the day before her wedding. Avoidance? Maybe a little. I still don't know how I managed to agree to sit in a church and watch her walk down the aisle in a white dress, swear to live happily every after and kiss Mic Brumby without going insane in the process. I knew I couldn't do it. I would've done it for her, I'd do anything for her, but watching as I gave up the woman I loved without a fight? That's what she'd asked me to do, and it was pushing the boundaries of anything.
(A/N: Am claiming poetic license on the kiss… am fully aware the actual kiss was not as involved as I made out- pun not intended.)
God I'm sorry for all the negative things I ever said about Harm. I'm sorry for getting so mad when he said he was going flying. I'm sorry I get jealous of a Tomcat. I'm sorry, I'm truthfully, honestly sorry for all my shortcomings, bad habits and misgivings. I swear, if you bring him back to me, I will never not tell him how I feel just because of where we are. Like he said, where we are doesn't change who we are, so if being on a ferry in Sydney harbours doesn't change who we are, standing on the Admiral's balcony at my engagement party doesn't change who we are. And I love him God, please, I love him so much. I'm sorry I'm meant to be marrying someone else in 14 hours and 30 minutes. I love him. Don't take him from me before he knows that.
I shivered. Why did she have to write the most beautiful things when she was upset? I re-read the paragraph several times. She loved me. I wondered why she hadn't told me that when I'd come ashore.
The next few entries were dark and depressing.
I feel like shit. 100%, totally, absolutely depressed. Mic left today. He just got up, moved out then left the country. There were no warnings, no explanations, he just left. And Harm. Harm, I love you, why do you hurt me so much? You asked me to come to you and you left me standing all alone in the freezing rain. Damnit, I got drenched watching you make out with your girlfriend Sailor. I fell and you let me fall, so now I'm just sinking into this abyss. I don't think there's a way out. I'm just nothing, nothing to no one, no one at all. What's the point in all of this? We dance in misery, lost in the arms of agony, dancing endlessly, cradled in impossibility. We dance and we dance and yet we go nowhere, nothing changes. It's just this endless circle that ends in pain. If my life is always going to be about our dance, I want to die today.
I had no answer to that.
The ensuing pages were blank, dates written at the top, but no text on the lines. The next entry happened almost a month later.
Mmmm, because she loves him, because she loves him. I'll forgive the man because he's the man. (But not yet my man…) I was angry at him this morning, now I couldn't love him more. The beginning, *smiles* such an interesting place to start from. So if we go from the beginning, does that mean we get a different ending this time? Maybe a happily ever after?
I'd hoped so too at the time. How we had managed to get to the point where there was no way forward I didn't know, all I knew was that I'd wanted my best friend back, if she could double as my girlfriend then the mother of my children and wife then that was just something wonderful to compliment our friendship.
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