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Afghanistan. Do I love the country or what? His arms. He kept me so warm.
It's too bad I need to be in a war zone at night in the desert to have an excuse to curl up in those arms.
When I'm writing the thank yous after our wedding, remind me to thank those sheep that strayed onto the road ahead of us.
*laughs*
Listen to me, carrying on like we have more than a snowballs chance in hell of ever getting it right. But at the moment I'm getting more and more hopeful that we *will* get it right. We've been getting along so well lately. Ever since the JAGathon, he's been so sweet! I know we agreed to start over but I didn't know I was going to fall in love with him all over again. And by his actions lately, I'd be saying he loves me too this time. I know we're dealing with some grey area here, but hell, the line between friendship and love is always a blurred one. With us, I'm not even sure there is a line. Our friendship starts and then I suppose love starts, but I'm not sure when or where or how.
I know I didn't keep my part of the bargain I made with God when Harm went swimming, but I think I will. I want him to know how I feel, but at the same time I'm afraid because if he doesn't think its mutual then everything between us will become awkward. I feel like we're dating, we see each other all the time, he eats lunch with me most days and takes me out on weekends. He's making a real effort to make this "back at the beginning" thing work.
I love him, he's such a good friend.
He wrote me a little note before we left the Seahawk, after we found out Bud was going to be all right. (Thank God he was there, I don't know how I would've survived that time in the hall without Harm beside me.) It was addressed and signed, "To my best friend forever, love always Harm." He's left me lots of little messages since then, one line e-mails, little notes left on my desk or in case files which we're working on together, text messages on my phone… all serving no other purpose than to simply tell me he cares about me. (Someone remind me why am not marrying this man?!?! I mean, can you get any more perfect?)
I was so absorbed in the witty musings of her heart that I didn't hear the door open, then close.
"Harm?" she called to me, crossing the office and standing in front of her desk, eyeing me warily, "What are you doing here?"
I looked up, "Hey Mac. I was…"
She stared at what I was holding in my hand for one moment, her fists clenched at her sides, her lower jaw about to crumble under the pressure of her upper, and her shoulders tensed.
I didn't know what to say, so I opted to say nothing.
She remained in her shocked state before pivoting on her heel, muttering something resembling 'Omigod shame' and walking out of the office.
I followed her to the break room, where she appeared to be attempting to overdose on Christmas chocolates.
"Have you read that?" she asked me, gesturing to the book that was still in my hand.
"Maybe some of it," I replied sheepishly, looking very guilty.
"Once I recover from the embarrassment of you seeing the innermost revelations of my soul, and once I can look at you without feeling completely naked, you'd better watch your six Commander, because I swear, I will be so angry that I will kick it from here to the middle of a war zone if you don't."
I grinned at her, "The innermost revelations of your soul aren't the best bit Colonel, it's the secret desires of your inner-teenager that I enjoyed the most."
She glared at me.
"Seriously Mac, I'm sorry. I was looking for some files on your desk, and I found it, so I picked it up and just read the first page to make sure it wasn't what I was looking for and… well… it was stuff I'd always wanted to know and you'd never told me, so I kept reading even though I knew I shouldn't have and before you know it, I'd finished half of it."
Her glare softened a little, but she was still potentially nuclear.
"You were never meant to know any of that," she murmured, "That was stuff I didn't mean for anyone to see… I can't believe that you would do that to me to satisfy your own curiosity."
I searched for the ejection handles, desperately looking for a way to punch out of the dangers this conversation promised.
"I know, I shouldn't have," I paused, "I'm so sorry Mac. Or should I call you Sarah? You said…"
"Shut up," she retorted, "But you can call me whatever you like."
"I suppose it's only fair that I divulge the same sort of information to you," I mused, waiting to see her reaction.
She entertained the idea with amusement for several seconds, then her facial expression changed. She was afraid I wouldn't tell her the same sort of stuff that I'd just read; I could see it in the way she bristled suddenly.
"Sarah?" I interrupted her thoughts.
"What?" she whispered, tears welling behind her eyes.
"I've missed you so much. When you were TAD, I don't know, I just… physically missed having you here, cuz I need you here, I like having you here, and I would be devastated if you weren't here. I don't tell you that enough."
She stared at me in amazement.
"You were serious?"
"Yeah," I shrugged, "But I've wanted to tell you that all week."
"Go on Commander," she commanded quietly, the authoritative tone never leaving her voice.
"I don't know where to begin all of this. Maybe one day when we're not in uniform, at the office we can read this together," I suggested, handing her the small book, "And talk about my side of things. Until then, I think I can risk discharge once."
"How would…"
I interrupted her by kissing her, feeling brave and stupid, but incredibly good that I'd acted on the impulse. There was second of doubt that she'd object before she returned my kiss eagerly.
"You'd risk discharge to kiss me in the break room?" she murmured against my lips.
"Hell yes Sarah Mackenzie, you think you're not deserving of a caffeine driven coupling in the middle of a JAG office?"
The second kiss was a little more heated, my hands had discovered the curve of her hips and by her reaction I could tell she wasn't totally against any kind of coupling anywhere, caffeine induced or not.
By the third kiss I was unbuttoning the front of her winter jacket, fully aware of what I was doing and entirely driven by uncontrolled, unchecked desire. Her hands were sliding down the front of my blues, caressing the buttons but indecisive in her action. She reached up to my neck again and was loosening my collar, her lips still searching mine, when the Admiral walked in.
Completely, utterly, totally busted were the first words that came to mind. Twice, in one day, I'd been caught doing something I definitely should not have been doing. What was even worse was that both of those times I'd manage to fluster my Marine. (Although it sure wasn't a bad method of doing so the second time…)
I moved away from her slightly as the Commanding Officer strode in, but not far
enough that I wouldn't be able to protect her if he got really mad. (And he
looked like he was going to get beyond really mad.) I tensed and waited for the
Admiral's verbal onslaught, ready to respond with the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth: I didn't give a damn about Article 134, the only thing I
regretted about the previous five minutes was that Mac was now very hurriedly
trying to re-button her jacket and was clearly very embarrassed to be doing so
in front of her CO.
It was the first time I'd seen Chegwidden at loss for words. He spluttered for a minute, before settling for the name he instinctively yelled whenever anything went wrong at the office, "RABB!"
"Yes Sir?" I replied, more confidently that I felt.
"AND MACKENZIE."
Mac flinched a little and then came to a standing position that looked vaguely like attention, "Yes Sir?" she responded, quieter and less-commanding than usual.
"MY OFFICE. NOW!"
With that, AJ stormed out, muttering to himself about the apparent stupidity of his senior officers.
"Uh oh," she smiled at me, "He's talking in monosyllables."
"That's not good," I replied, stepping closer to her again and pushing her hair behind her ears. It occurred to me that this woman was most beautiful creature on the planet.
I kissed the top of her head lightly.
"Don't worry, I'll save you," she murmured.
I reached down and unbuttoned the bottom buttons of her jacket, and re-buttoned them so they were in the correct position before beginning to walk away from her reluctantly. She joined me at the door, and we fell into step as we left the break room and walked in the direction of the Admiral's office.
"Do you regret that?" I inquired quietly as I knocked on the dreaded wooden door that led to a certain ass whipping and probably a not-so-idle threat of court-martial.
She gazed at me for a long moment, "No."
"ENTER," Chegwidden called from within.
"Good, cuz there'll be plenty of other times when he doesn't interrupt," I said to her, entering the office before she had a chance to respond.
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