Proud of My Loneliness
~Part: 4~
Gentle humming could be heard, the sound a mother's voice makes, while she serenades to her sleeping child…why would he be hearing that, he had no mother, he had no parents for that matter. His brow twitched as the song carried on, changing tune and pitch to form a kind of lullaby, which would have worked on him, had he not been so bothered by the noise that interrupted his empty slumber. He opened his eyes, only to find himself surrounded by an empty blackness, the humming continued, but now it was different. It was no longer a female voice, but had become the gentle chants of a man deep in prayer and meditation. Goku frowned as he looked about himself, finding nothing but the empty blackness…then where was that sound coming from, 'It is coming from yourself…or rather from deep within, provided by your memories,' came the reply which sourced from his inner voice, his logical mind.
"Goku…" a familiar voice called, their tone calm and cold, although it seemed to carry with it, a vague sense of companionship.
"W-Who's there?" the brown-haired youkai asked, turning about rapidly, trying to find the owner of the voice, "Show yourself!"
"Goku…" again his name is said, but this time by a different voice, even though it was male, it held a hint of playfulness, instead of the previous ones harsh tones.
"Goku…" a third time his name is said, the voice this time being light and friendly, glossed over with their kindly manner. His breathing quickened and he had to force himself to calm down, who were these people and why were they saying his name.
"Who are you dammit?! Show yourself!" he demanded, stopping in his search, his hands clenched into tight fists as he yelled out in frustration, "Who are you?!" he called again, then fell to his knees, doubled over as he began to sob. Tears streamed down his face as he pounded the hard surface, of what appeared to be the terrestrial side of this realm. "Why are you calling me…?" he asked, his voice coming out in weak gasps, as he tried to steady himself. There was no answer, not even from the voice deep within, there was only silence, the reminder of his decision to be alone. "Tell me…please…" he whispered, his voice devoid of emotion, except for desperation, as he helplessly slumped onto his side. 'They won't answer you…' the voice said, as though what they were pointing out was obvious, 'you've made your decision to be alone…and so that is how it will be…you're alone now, no one to bother you, no one to hurt or belittle you…no one to affect you in any possible way…this is your loneliness…your wish come true,' it explained, the tone practical and empty of any emotion he expected.
For some reason the teenage youkai felt hurt by this revelation, yes he had expected it, but for some reason he was scared and pained to hear it. Why had he ever wished for such a thing to befall upon him anyway, "I guess I can't remember…even though I know why…" he mused, apathetically.
"Now, don't go sounding like that you stupid ape," came that harsh voice once more, although it now seemed almost pleasant, but almost, since whoever it was, was keeping their true emotions hidden, as they always did. Goku shifted a bit, catching sight of a pale-yellow coloured robe, the ends of which just about brushed the ground where the figure stood. The person knelt down, and the teen could feel them place a hand on his head in an affectionate manner. At this gesture, he could feel his eyes begin to prick with the tears that formed and welled up within them.
"Come on, you dumbass monkey, you're much stronger than this," commented the second voice that had appeared, their tone friendly and playful at the same time. Goku sniffed, but made no attempt to stifle the tears and sobs that made their out without resistance.
"Who are you people…that show such worry?" he heard himself ask, the words passing his lips unbidden, his voice seemingly separate from his emotional condition. He saw boots take form before him, appearing out of the darkness. The figure knelt, revealing brown, combat-like trousers that were bunched up at the knees, where the close-fitting boots came up. He saw the mans hand reach out and swipe at the tears that streamed from his eyes, and could just about see the ends of his red strands of hair as he leant in.
"We're your friends, Goku," the third and final voice claimed, as their figure appeared, standing beside the one with red hair. He could just make out the mans creamy-brown trousers, brushing his black shoes, and sensed that they had knelt beside him, just like the other two.
"Friends…?" he repeated, his tone just barely hinting at his curiosity, "How can that be…I'm alone…by myself-"
"Just cut the bullshit, okay, you're not alone…or we wouldn't be here…" the redhead exclaimed, cutting off the youth's incoherent ramblings. Goku's brow twitched as a seemingly familiar emotion of annoyance settled, but quickly died away, leaving him confused.
"I'm afraid I really don't know what you mean…I don't have any friends…I have no one," he stated, his tone soft and apologetic, though still hinting at the haunting solitude he had put himself into.
"Listen, you brainless bastard, it's me…Gojyo, the perverted kappa! I make your life a fucked up mess, and you do the same with mine, get it? We're friends, even if we're at each others throats!" the man continued to say, his voice rising with emotion. Goku's eyelids felt heavy, he felt so tired…why was he feeling tired when he was already asleep, "What the fuck…what's going on?! Goku!" the redhead continued to exclaim, as his voice appeared to become a distant drone. The sounds of a struggle could be heard, as two men appeared to be wrestling with each other, "Let go of me, Hakkai!"
"No," the gentle voice replied, strained with the effort of trying to keep Gojyo under control, "who knows what'll happen if you touch him," he managed to say, as he continued to wrestle with the redhead.
"He's disappearing! We have to do something, or we're not the friends we say we are!" the louder man cried, trying his vainest of attempts to break free of the firm hold Hakkai had him in.
"Guess there's no help for it then…" the man in pale-yellow said, rising to his feet as he removed something from his robes. The young youkai found it hard to focus, who were these people, and why was that loud man so concerned for him. He made out the faint and sharp 'click' of the robed mans weapon, at least that's what he thought it was.
"Sanzo! What in the hell do you think you're doing?! Put that away now!" the redhead ordered, his struggles dying down momentarily, as the other mans restraining hold slackened, as they both took a moment to register what was going on.
"There's no help for it, Gojyo…he's not gonna come back, he's gone too far," the man with the cold voice, now introduced to be known as Sanzo, replied, a hidden hint of sorrow draped over his words. Goku was beginning to find it hard to breath, he couldn't feel anything, all feeling had gone from him, and he couldn't make any sense at all from the current situation, of which he was vaguely aware.
"Sanzo…" the name came in a whispered breath, of which he could not recall saying. He was no longer thinking anymore, that small voice was all but gone, and he was alone. The only thing holding him partially back was the presence of these three men, he had become suddenly aware of the robed man kneeling before him again, their weapon no longer held at the ready.
"Goku…?" they inquired, their tone almost abandoning the mask he had worked over it, and maintained over the times he had used it.
"Sanzo…" again he said the mans name, this time becoming more aware of what he was saying, and vague thoughts were beginning to take form, mainly one question that swirled within the depths of his mind, "…why…" Sanzo's face seemed to change as he cocked his head slightly to one side, his own question forming on his face. Sensing this, the young youkai continued, "Why…are we like this? Why don't you care?" The look that now took over the robed mans face was startling, especially for Gojyo and Hakkai, considering the fact that Goku could not see a thing, since he had not moved from his slumped position. The mask he wore had slackened, only to reveal a face of sorrow and partial shame.
"Goku…what makes you think I don't care?" he asked, then shifted his position, as he scooted over and lay down on the hard surface beside the youth's slack form, looking into his golden eyes with his violet ones. Goku continued to look directly ahead, his vision obscured as he looked into the red plating that covered the front of the mans robes, despite this, he still continued to look ahead.
"Have you forgotten? You said that you never cared about me…that if it appeared that you were protecting me, it was only because your interests happened to coincide with me being safe, and so you have never protected me…" he replied, his tone becoming once again distant and apathetic. Sanzo's face creased even more, as he seemed to remember the words that were spoken, and he drew in a steady breath.
"You know how I am…I never mean the harsh things I say…Goku, I do care…please, could you forgive me, its just that I find it so hard to overcome the barriers and walls I've erected about myself, over the years…" he replied, his tone expressing his feelings of regret, he had no idea that his behaviour affected the young man in such a way. Goku did not reply to this, his eyes beginning to sting again as tears threatened to spill forth once more, but he stifled them, continuing to stay in that alienated state. His mind reeled with thoughts concerning this man and the way he had treated him, numerous times he had hurt him, both physically and emotionally, and this event had been the last straw. He couldn't take anymore, not from him, not from Gojyo, not from anyone; he just didn't think he'd be able to cope with anymore, and so he let his eyes close, and began to feel himself drift off.
"Goku! No!" the sudden cry from Gojyo broke through his mind, seeming to be the last thing he heard, before he left their presence, disappearing into nothing and becoming the isolated, empty shell he sought to be. As he vanished before their eyes, Hakkai's grip on Gojyo slackened, allowing him to break free as he whispered the young youkai's name. "No, Sanzo, not you too!" The redhead exclaimed, as he saw the violet-eyed mans hand become a see-through haze, for he had reached out instinctively, trying to keep Goku within his presence.