Helpless
"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is a man who has
rationalised is emotions."
The morning passes, nurses pop in and out checking her stats with fake smiles on their faces. There's no point denying it, she's sick. I do my best to keep her mind off of the approaching operation, talking to her about this and that. Daniel and Teal'c came in earlier and stayed a while, wished her luck in the form of a huge bunch of flowers and balloons. Teal'c carry those did out a smile on her face!
Reading out loud the tail of Bilbo Baggins, I am interrupted by the arrival of Janet and the other doctors who will be working there magic on Sam. We are introduced and told about the procedure but to be honest I'd be less worried if I didn't know the details. I am sent out while she prepared, anesthetised, cleaned up, etc. when I return she is wearing hospital pyjamas and has a cap on to ensure her hair stays out of the way. I am made to wear a mask and gown so that I don't contaminate her.
"Hey. You look sleepy, but I'd be worried if you didn't!" I say nervously. I bend down and touch her cheek with a gloved finger. "I'll be right out here the whole time, promise. I'll see you soon, ok. Just do me one favour, whatever happens in there, don't give up. You're strong, you can beat this. I love you." I go to lay a kiss on her forehead but remember my mask. Looking at Janet she reads my expression and gives me a nod, I remove the mask and lightly kiss her slightly hot skin. When I look back to meet her eyes, they are firmly closed, a sign her anaesthetic is completely working now. They wheel her away into the theatre and I am left standing alone in her room.
*
"Hey." I look up and see Daniels concerned face staring down at me. I acknowledge his presence with a slight nod, and then go back to my detailed scrutiny of the floor, my hands fidgeting idly in my lap.
"How long has she been in there?" he asks sitting down next to me and handing me a coffee.
I look at my watch before taking the offered beverage. "Four hours."
We sit in silence for a moment; the only sound is that of footsteps and gentle sipping of a hot drink.
"Jacob checked in. He said that he would be back tomorrow with any luck, but he has to go on a mission that he's been working on for months. No one else can go without arising suspicion, and with the current situation they can't afford for that to happen."
"Current situation?" I question, glad of the distraction.
"Oh yeah, you don't know. While you and Sam where missing, the Tok'ra suffered a big blow from Anubus. They had a large undercover operation, and I mean large. 250 guys went in posing as converters. Only one really did convert and by the time the others found out they'd been betrayed, it was too late to get them all outta there. 50 made it, but now the gau'ald know about them. They have to lay low for a while."
"Jeez." I answer with only mild ore. I guess I should be a little more concerned, but I just haven't got room for the emotion too. Again we sink into silence. I sit back and lay my head again the cream coloured wall and let out a sigh.
"Don't worry Jack. No news is good news. You know if ya wanna talk..."
"I wouldn't know what to say, but thanks anyway." I smile briefly. I just wish i knew that she was ok, that the op was going ok. I can't stand not knowing.
**
"The tooth is tangled up in arteries. Ah, I can't see what I'm doing, I need suction here." The surgeon instructs the nurse to remove the blood obstructing his view.
"That's better. What are her stats?"
"Pulse is stable, BP is 120 over 90." Janet answers
"How many units is she on?"
"She's had two." she answers referring to how many pints of blood Sam has had.
"Ok, I want 5 prepped. I'm going to start removing the tooth."
**
"Arh! I can't stand this!" I almost yell, rubbing a hand over my face and through my hair. I stand up and begin to pace. "Someone must be able to tell me something" I begin walking around peering round corners looking for doctors or nurses. Typical, there where loads of them a while ago.
"Calm down. I'm sure someone will come and talk to us soon." Danny tries to get me to sit back down. It's at times like this I wish I still smoked! I could do with a drag right now.
A nurse walks past and I grab her, "Excuse me, can you find out how Samantha Carter is doing please. She's in surgery at the moment, and it's been six hours now."
"Ok, I'll see what I can do" she smiles and wanders off towards the nurse's station.
"Thanks." I call after her.
**
"Shit! I've hit a vessel. I need suction in here now, and get those blood units in here and ready to go now. She's loosing blood fast. How's her BP doing?"
"Pressure's dropping." Janet shouts.
"Ok, let's not lose it people. No one dies on my table major Carter!"
"She's going critical. I'm going to start external massage." Janet says urgently as the machine monitoring Sam's heartbeat and blood pressure yells at her. She begins massaging Sam's heart.
"Erm, we have a couple of men wanting a progress report, but..."
"Now's not a good time, nurse." the surgeon shouts. "Someone turn that damn machine off, it's distracting me. Any change in her stats yet?"
"She's stabilising again, but she's lost a lot of blood. I've attached another unit but we're going to have to move fast."
"Ok, you heard the lady, let's get this done."
"I'll go and talk to Colonel O'Neill." A blonde nurse taking notes volunteers.
**
"Hi there, Colonel?" A nurse approaches me and I practically jump out of my seat.
"Yeah, how is she doing, and why is it taking so long, is she ok?" I ask in a voice I almost don't recognise as my own
"Whoa! One question at a time."
"Sorry"
"Its ok, I know you must be very worried. In answer to your questions, she's doing well. We just had a bit of an incident but she pulled through and we have her stabilised again..."
"What kind of an incident?" Daniel asks
"We started removing the tooth just over an hour ago, but as you know it's in a very difficult area. We have to be careful not to cause more or permanent damage to her CNS. An artery was cut by accident whilst trying to avoid this, but like I said, we have it under control." Daniel sits down and puts he's head in his hands.
"Look, she's young and strong. We have the best people in there. Please try not to worry. As long as there are no more complications we should have her out of there in another hour or so." The nurse tries to reassure us.
"I'd better get back. Is there anything else before I go back into scrubs?" She asks
"Err, look... just... look after her ok. She's very...very important." I stumble over my words. "Thanks, by the way." I add as I turn and start walking towards the exit, I need some fresh air to replace the stale disease riddled air in the hospital.
Outside the cold November rain washes over me, and I am glad of the refreshment. I stand in the parking lot watching the army ambulances going past, and the guards parading the grounds. Soaked through to the bone I don't notice the winter air turning the wet on my clothing to a chilling icy suit of armour around me until a breeze sends a shiver down my spine. I take a deep breath and look up at the night sky, remembering the night the rain drove us inside once before. If only we hadn't gone back, if only we'd stayed on that planet. None of this would be happening.
If I could turn back the clock, I would go back to that night, and I would make damn sure that we didn't go anywhere near that place. No, more than that, I would go back further, to the day that feisty young Captain walked in, dressed in her official uniform and carrying that 'I don't take shit from no one, not even superior officers' attitude. I'd make more effort to make friends, and not be so quick to judge her by the scientist title. But its all 'if's' and I know I can never go back. I have to live in the here and now, and right now she is in there having this operation, and I should be in there for her.
And so I turn my back on the rain, and go back inside to pace, drink coffee and try and stay calm. The hardest thing about this is that it's out of my control. I can't do anything to help; I just have to trust her life in their hands, and hope to god that they don't abuse that trust.
**
"Jack, I didn't know what else to do, so I got you a sandwich. I figured you'd need food by now, you haven't eaten since she went in there." Thank god for Daniel. He hands me the sandwich and although I don't feel like eating, it scars me that I can't remember the last time I ate.
"Thanks" I tuck in purely because I know my body needs it, not because I really want it.
"Any news?" He asks
"Nope." I respond. But just as I am about to go in search of it, it comes to me, in the form of a jaded looking Doctor.
"Janet? How is she?" Daniel beats me too it.
"Well, the operation is over now. We got the entire tooth out as far as we can tell. We had a couple of complications, but she has been stabilised now, and we'll keep a close eye on her. She lost a lot of blood unfortunately, but we have her on a transfusion at the moment to make up for what she lost. It might actually be a blessing in disguise, whatever that thing was pumping into her will have hopefully been lost with the blood. It might give her body a chance to fight back before it starts multiplying again."
"Is there anything you can do to stop that happening?" I ask
"We are giving her the strongest antibiotics we have. Hopefully they will help. I have take sample I took, so I will go and take a closer look at that, do some tests and see if I can find anything to stop it. In the mean time, she is still sleeping from the anaesthetic. They have her in the ICU. Now I don't want you to be shocked when you go in, so I'll tell you what to expect."
"Ok" I nod.
"Like I said, she's hocked up and having a blood transfusion, she is on several monitors, so there will be lots of wires and she is currently breathing through a tube placed in her throat, which is attached to a machine to control it. We had to do that because he had to obstruct her windpipe at points in the operation, and she wouldn't have been able to breathe if we hadn't. It will come out in a day or two." The woman tells us.
"God." Daniel exclaims.
"It looks scary, but it's necessary. She's not on an IV line at the moment; we want to wait until she wakes up to do that. You understand she can't have any food or drink for a few days at least and then we'll re-evaluate her. She'll be on liquids for a while once she can have food again anyway, because she will have a sore throat for a good few weeks."
"Ok. I expected that." I say, trying to take in all the information. "What about long term?"
"One step at a time." Seeing the disappointed look on my face she adds "but its looks promising. The fact she survived the operation is already a good sign. In a few days we'll do some tests, and hopefully she'll have more feeling. I told you she would need physiotherapy and speech therapy, I will give you some information on that in a day or two. In the mean time, just be there for her, maybe you could get her some things from home, she's going to be in her for a while; she might like her own clothes? I want visits kept short though. She needs to sleep and rest if she is going to win this fight."
"Understood. Thank you doc, I just.. Thanks" and with that I give her a hug. "Can I go and see her now?" I plea.
"Yeah. She's in D2."
"Thanks." I smile and give her shoulder a quick squeeze before heading off to find Sam.
TBC
Phew! Getting there. THANK YOU to everyone who has reviewed this story so far. You blow me away with your comments! I am so grateful!
"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is a man who has
rationalised is emotions."
The morning passes, nurses pop in and out checking her stats with fake smiles on their faces. There's no point denying it, she's sick. I do my best to keep her mind off of the approaching operation, talking to her about this and that. Daniel and Teal'c came in earlier and stayed a while, wished her luck in the form of a huge bunch of flowers and balloons. Teal'c carry those did out a smile on her face!
Reading out loud the tail of Bilbo Baggins, I am interrupted by the arrival of Janet and the other doctors who will be working there magic on Sam. We are introduced and told about the procedure but to be honest I'd be less worried if I didn't know the details. I am sent out while she prepared, anesthetised, cleaned up, etc. when I return she is wearing hospital pyjamas and has a cap on to ensure her hair stays out of the way. I am made to wear a mask and gown so that I don't contaminate her.
"Hey. You look sleepy, but I'd be worried if you didn't!" I say nervously. I bend down and touch her cheek with a gloved finger. "I'll be right out here the whole time, promise. I'll see you soon, ok. Just do me one favour, whatever happens in there, don't give up. You're strong, you can beat this. I love you." I go to lay a kiss on her forehead but remember my mask. Looking at Janet she reads my expression and gives me a nod, I remove the mask and lightly kiss her slightly hot skin. When I look back to meet her eyes, they are firmly closed, a sign her anaesthetic is completely working now. They wheel her away into the theatre and I am left standing alone in her room.
*
"Hey." I look up and see Daniels concerned face staring down at me. I acknowledge his presence with a slight nod, and then go back to my detailed scrutiny of the floor, my hands fidgeting idly in my lap.
"How long has she been in there?" he asks sitting down next to me and handing me a coffee.
I look at my watch before taking the offered beverage. "Four hours."
We sit in silence for a moment; the only sound is that of footsteps and gentle sipping of a hot drink.
"Jacob checked in. He said that he would be back tomorrow with any luck, but he has to go on a mission that he's been working on for months. No one else can go without arising suspicion, and with the current situation they can't afford for that to happen."
"Current situation?" I question, glad of the distraction.
"Oh yeah, you don't know. While you and Sam where missing, the Tok'ra suffered a big blow from Anubus. They had a large undercover operation, and I mean large. 250 guys went in posing as converters. Only one really did convert and by the time the others found out they'd been betrayed, it was too late to get them all outta there. 50 made it, but now the gau'ald know about them. They have to lay low for a while."
"Jeez." I answer with only mild ore. I guess I should be a little more concerned, but I just haven't got room for the emotion too. Again we sink into silence. I sit back and lay my head again the cream coloured wall and let out a sigh.
"Don't worry Jack. No news is good news. You know if ya wanna talk..."
"I wouldn't know what to say, but thanks anyway." I smile briefly. I just wish i knew that she was ok, that the op was going ok. I can't stand not knowing.
**
"The tooth is tangled up in arteries. Ah, I can't see what I'm doing, I need suction here." The surgeon instructs the nurse to remove the blood obstructing his view.
"That's better. What are her stats?"
"Pulse is stable, BP is 120 over 90." Janet answers
"How many units is she on?"
"She's had two." she answers referring to how many pints of blood Sam has had.
"Ok, I want 5 prepped. I'm going to start removing the tooth."
**
"Arh! I can't stand this!" I almost yell, rubbing a hand over my face and through my hair. I stand up and begin to pace. "Someone must be able to tell me something" I begin walking around peering round corners looking for doctors or nurses. Typical, there where loads of them a while ago.
"Calm down. I'm sure someone will come and talk to us soon." Danny tries to get me to sit back down. It's at times like this I wish I still smoked! I could do with a drag right now.
A nurse walks past and I grab her, "Excuse me, can you find out how Samantha Carter is doing please. She's in surgery at the moment, and it's been six hours now."
"Ok, I'll see what I can do" she smiles and wanders off towards the nurse's station.
"Thanks." I call after her.
**
"Shit! I've hit a vessel. I need suction in here now, and get those blood units in here and ready to go now. She's loosing blood fast. How's her BP doing?"
"Pressure's dropping." Janet shouts.
"Ok, let's not lose it people. No one dies on my table major Carter!"
"She's going critical. I'm going to start external massage." Janet says urgently as the machine monitoring Sam's heartbeat and blood pressure yells at her. She begins massaging Sam's heart.
"Erm, we have a couple of men wanting a progress report, but..."
"Now's not a good time, nurse." the surgeon shouts. "Someone turn that damn machine off, it's distracting me. Any change in her stats yet?"
"She's stabilising again, but she's lost a lot of blood. I've attached another unit but we're going to have to move fast."
"Ok, you heard the lady, let's get this done."
"I'll go and talk to Colonel O'Neill." A blonde nurse taking notes volunteers.
**
"Hi there, Colonel?" A nurse approaches me and I practically jump out of my seat.
"Yeah, how is she doing, and why is it taking so long, is she ok?" I ask in a voice I almost don't recognise as my own
"Whoa! One question at a time."
"Sorry"
"Its ok, I know you must be very worried. In answer to your questions, she's doing well. We just had a bit of an incident but she pulled through and we have her stabilised again..."
"What kind of an incident?" Daniel asks
"We started removing the tooth just over an hour ago, but as you know it's in a very difficult area. We have to be careful not to cause more or permanent damage to her CNS. An artery was cut by accident whilst trying to avoid this, but like I said, we have it under control." Daniel sits down and puts he's head in his hands.
"Look, she's young and strong. We have the best people in there. Please try not to worry. As long as there are no more complications we should have her out of there in another hour or so." The nurse tries to reassure us.
"I'd better get back. Is there anything else before I go back into scrubs?" She asks
"Err, look... just... look after her ok. She's very...very important." I stumble over my words. "Thanks, by the way." I add as I turn and start walking towards the exit, I need some fresh air to replace the stale disease riddled air in the hospital.
Outside the cold November rain washes over me, and I am glad of the refreshment. I stand in the parking lot watching the army ambulances going past, and the guards parading the grounds. Soaked through to the bone I don't notice the winter air turning the wet on my clothing to a chilling icy suit of armour around me until a breeze sends a shiver down my spine. I take a deep breath and look up at the night sky, remembering the night the rain drove us inside once before. If only we hadn't gone back, if only we'd stayed on that planet. None of this would be happening.
If I could turn back the clock, I would go back to that night, and I would make damn sure that we didn't go anywhere near that place. No, more than that, I would go back further, to the day that feisty young Captain walked in, dressed in her official uniform and carrying that 'I don't take shit from no one, not even superior officers' attitude. I'd make more effort to make friends, and not be so quick to judge her by the scientist title. But its all 'if's' and I know I can never go back. I have to live in the here and now, and right now she is in there having this operation, and I should be in there for her.
And so I turn my back on the rain, and go back inside to pace, drink coffee and try and stay calm. The hardest thing about this is that it's out of my control. I can't do anything to help; I just have to trust her life in their hands, and hope to god that they don't abuse that trust.
**
"Jack, I didn't know what else to do, so I got you a sandwich. I figured you'd need food by now, you haven't eaten since she went in there." Thank god for Daniel. He hands me the sandwich and although I don't feel like eating, it scars me that I can't remember the last time I ate.
"Thanks" I tuck in purely because I know my body needs it, not because I really want it.
"Any news?" He asks
"Nope." I respond. But just as I am about to go in search of it, it comes to me, in the form of a jaded looking Doctor.
"Janet? How is she?" Daniel beats me too it.
"Well, the operation is over now. We got the entire tooth out as far as we can tell. We had a couple of complications, but she has been stabilised now, and we'll keep a close eye on her. She lost a lot of blood unfortunately, but we have her on a transfusion at the moment to make up for what she lost. It might actually be a blessing in disguise, whatever that thing was pumping into her will have hopefully been lost with the blood. It might give her body a chance to fight back before it starts multiplying again."
"Is there anything you can do to stop that happening?" I ask
"We are giving her the strongest antibiotics we have. Hopefully they will help. I have take sample I took, so I will go and take a closer look at that, do some tests and see if I can find anything to stop it. In the mean time, she is still sleeping from the anaesthetic. They have her in the ICU. Now I don't want you to be shocked when you go in, so I'll tell you what to expect."
"Ok" I nod.
"Like I said, she's hocked up and having a blood transfusion, she is on several monitors, so there will be lots of wires and she is currently breathing through a tube placed in her throat, which is attached to a machine to control it. We had to do that because he had to obstruct her windpipe at points in the operation, and she wouldn't have been able to breathe if we hadn't. It will come out in a day or two." The woman tells us.
"God." Daniel exclaims.
"It looks scary, but it's necessary. She's not on an IV line at the moment; we want to wait until she wakes up to do that. You understand she can't have any food or drink for a few days at least and then we'll re-evaluate her. She'll be on liquids for a while once she can have food again anyway, because she will have a sore throat for a good few weeks."
"Ok. I expected that." I say, trying to take in all the information. "What about long term?"
"One step at a time." Seeing the disappointed look on my face she adds "but its looks promising. The fact she survived the operation is already a good sign. In a few days we'll do some tests, and hopefully she'll have more feeling. I told you she would need physiotherapy and speech therapy, I will give you some information on that in a day or two. In the mean time, just be there for her, maybe you could get her some things from home, she's going to be in her for a while; she might like her own clothes? I want visits kept short though. She needs to sleep and rest if she is going to win this fight."
"Understood. Thank you doc, I just.. Thanks" and with that I give her a hug. "Can I go and see her now?" I plea.
"Yeah. She's in D2."
"Thanks." I smile and give her shoulder a quick squeeze before heading off to find Sam.
TBC
Phew! Getting there. THANK YOU to everyone who has reviewed this story so far. You blow me away with your comments! I am so grateful!