Holding on
"Holding back the years, thinking of the fear I've had so long, when
somebody hears, listen to the fear that's gone."
I had my first physiotherapy session at home today. Charlotte helped me to do basic exercises on my legs, showing Jack what to do at the same time so that he could help me. It feels good to be doing something positive towards getting better, instead of sitting in this chair day in day out, watching Jack run round doing things for me; things that I should be able to do myself.
It's pathetic, the way the therapy tires me out; I used to be so fit. I sigh as the water bubbles around me, supporting my legs and releasing some of the tension from the taut muscles, not only in my legs but in my arms too. Stepping in, he sits down behind me, taking my shoulders between his fingers and rubbing gently. I close my eyes and savour the contact; although he is always kissing me and touching me, we haven't been able to take it that step further, not with me like this. It just hasn't been an option. He is too busy looking after me to think about that anyway.
He moves his hands over my shoulders, down my arms and up the back of my neck, kneading the muscle and skin slowly before moving so that he is facing me and taking my foot in his hand and repeating the process, this time moving a long my leg to my thigh. He pays the same attention to my other leg.
Determined not to be completely useless, I pick up the bottle of baby oil next to the hot tub and pour a little on my hands, rubbing it on his chest lightly dusted with hair. I work up from his navel to his shoulders before turning him around and massaging his back. I deep satisfying sigh tells me that he needed this as much as I did. It's not easy for me, but it's harder for him. He's the one who has to put up with me, cook for me, help me relearn speech, walk, bath me, dress me. It must be like having an oversized child around..only quieter. I pull him back so he sits between my legs and I kiss his neck and temple. If I can't show him I love him with words, I can do it with looks, touches and kisses.
The hot tub Jack had installed for me was placed in the conservatory. With only candles burning, we are able to lay back and see the night sky. With December finally here, the nights bring frosts and crystal clear skies, so clear you can see every star in heaven. If I could stop time and put it in a bottle, I would keep this moment forever.
"You did good today, Sam." He turns to face me. I raise my eyebrows and let out a disbelieving laugh.
"Hey! Stop beating yourself up about this, I can see it in your eyes. I know you hate this, I hate seeing you like this. You know if I could make it all go away I would, in a heartbeat, but it doesn't work like that. It's going to take time, and hard work. But I'm gonna be here and we will beat this. Do you believe me?" he asks, placing a finger under my chin and trying to move my face so I am looking at him. i think I believe him, I know damn well he wont let me give up.
"Sam?"
I meet his gaze. His eyes reflect the golden glow of the candles, but the dim light adds so much depth to his soul, casting his features in to shadow and the flickering flames dance on his face in places. I smile and nod. He places a kiss on my forehead before doing the same to my lips.
Twenty minutes later we get out. He lifts me out and onto a towel, and then proceeds to dry my legs whilst I do my top half. He gets himself dry, then runs into the bedroom for our nightwear. When he returns he has swapped his towel for boxers and a t-shirt, and is carrying one of his favourite hockey jerseys for me. The work I did today has made me more confident about standing. I can stand alone, but only for a few seconds, my muscles are just too weak at the moment. Once he has slipped the jersey over my head, he helps me to stand and I learn into him as he moves my legs to step into my panties. Although I love him, and I am getting used to it, it is a little degrading. I never thought he would be put panties on me, taking them off, yeah, but not putting them on!
"Have I ever told you you're beautiful?" he takes my face in his hands and lays a kiss on my lips, before taking me in his arms and carrying me to our bedroom. He sits me on the bed and pulls back the covers, I handle the rest. He climbs into bed the other side and pulls the cover over both of us. Spooned in his arms I fall asleep quickly.
**
Jack
Standing in the kitchen I look out over my out of control garden. I haven't touched it in months and with winter here, I don't think I will until the spring. I make the coffee for the two women in the lounge. Janet has come to change same dressing and do whatever else she has to do.
"How is she doing Doc?" I ask handing her, her drink. She takes a sip before placing it on the coffee table and answering my question.
"Her neck is healing nicely; I think the stitches can come out soon. And charlotte said that you made good progress the other day. However I am still worried about your blood pressure. Have you been getting any headaches Sam?"
I look at Sam and too my surprise she nods. Janet takes out a bottle of pills from her bag and hands them to me.
"I thought you might. Those should help." She says referring to the pills. "I wanted to do a blood test to check on the anaemia, but I think I will do that next time. Taking more blood from you isn't going to help the blood pressure at the moment. As long as you have been taking the iron pills.?" Sam nods. "Good. You're probably ok then." She smiles.
"So Janet. any idea what Sam and I can get Cass for Christmas?" I ask breaking the silence that had descended on the room moments before.
"Erm, a DVD? She wants that one with Tom Cruise in. The one about a sky?"
I shrug, and then look at my fiancé who is chuckling away on the other side of the table. "I take it you know what we're talking about?" I ask playfully. She nods. Janet roles her eyes then fishes through her bag for something. Moments later she pulls out her mobile.
"I have an idea." She presses a few buttons, then hands it to Sam. "Can you write what the film is called?"
Sam's face becomes a picture of concentration as she fights with her own fingers, getting them to press the right buttons. When she hands the phone back to Janet the small woman smiles.
"Vanilla sky." She announces. I meet Sam's eyes and give her a proud smile.
"Well, what say you and me go Christmas shopping?" I ask her, not taking my eyes away from hers. She smiles.
**
Sam
Two days later I go too my first speech therapy session. Karen showed me how to do different vocal exercises and I actually managed to make some basic words, things with one syllable; him, her, etc. It took a lot of concentration and hurt my throat a little, but it was worth it.
Jack didn't come with me; instead he went for a drink with Daniel. It was Janet's idea and I thought it was a good one. Jack needs a break now and then, it's hard for him. That was proved the other day. We went Christmas shopping, and everything was going well for a while, except that we kept bumping into people. Trying to get around in general in a wheelchair is hard, but in a busy mall with Christmas shoppers rushing around with huge bags full of presents its even worse. Anyway, was rude about disabled people and basically told me to go elsewhere, and get out of his way. Jack lost it, and I mean lost it! I swear he was gonna hit the guy. I grabbed hold of his tensed arm and shock my head at him, which was all I could do. When we got home he went to the kitchen and got a beer out of the fridge. Most of the evening was spent in silence. He did say one thing though, which I don't think I will ever forget.
Sitting on the sofa, he presses mute and the TV becomes silent. I meet his gaze.
"Sam, don't ever, ever let scum bags like that put you down. You're amazing, and don't you ever forget that." he says with a serious look. I place a hand on his cheek and his head instantly moves towards my touch. As my hand reaches his lips, he kisses it gently and squeezes it with his own hand, before turning the sound back up on the telly.
When he picks me up after the therapy I show him what I learnt. That's how things go for the next three weeks. I have the blood tests and the anaemia has gone, I have more physio and I have more speech therapy. The time just passes by unnoticed. Dad came to visit; he stayed for a couple of days. He seemed a little tense around Jack, but otherwise it was great to see him. General Hammond stopped by as well. He says that once I am better, there will be a job for me, and Jack will start giving lectures on combat strategy for potential SGC personnel, and be a tech advisor for off world mission. Neither of us will be going to other worlds very much, if at all from now on. I was forced to resign from active duty, but I was going to anyway, and Jack says he's too old for all this running around in mud and rain and being chased by snake heads. We are both still in the military, but because we don't 'work' with each other anymore, the General is willing to over look our relationship, we are both to valuable to lose over something like that.
Christmas day comes. I am woken up by something wet on my face. I open my eyes to a large pink tongue and big brown eyes. No, it's not Jack. Looking around the small golden Labrador to the smug smile on Jack's face, I narrow my eyes at him.
"It's a dog!"
"Umm?" I question. My speech therapy has been going really well. I can say some things, small things. Sentences are hard, and I can't say Jack's name. I have tried so many times, I just can't do it.
"Merry Christmas. Now, I don't have to tell you that a dog is for life do I?" I look down on the little fluff ball. I have to admit it, he is cute, at least I assume it's a he?
"He?" I question, Jack nods. "Hello" I say, patting him as he madly wags his tail and bounces around. "Herby." I smile as I name him.
"What! You can't call the poor thing Herby. All his mates will laugh at him." I role my eyes. Herby is a cool name. Getting out of bed, I use the furniture to make my way to the wardrobe and pull out Jack's gift. He stands up and takes it from me with a childlike excitement in his eyes. I go back to the bed with his help and sit down as he unwraps it.
"Complete season six of the Simpson's. Excellent! Thank you babe." He kisses me. I cough consciously and point to the inside of the box. He takes out the first DVD and looks inside. A golden wedding ring is placed in a dark blue velvet bag. He hands it to me and I place it on his wedding finger.
"Just reminding you." I smile.
"How could I forget? I can't to marry you. You know I was gonna take you to Vegas this weekend but I thought it was a bit tacky." He winks at me. I don't know why but the thought of the two of us in Vegas just makes me laugh.
"Thank you." I reach out and cuddle him; but he pulls me over and I end up on top of him, and Herby is on top of me, barking happily.
TBC
Ok, a nice happy chapter for ya. Now, I need opinions; I have thought of two endings and I want to know what you people want. There's a nice sappy fuzzy warm feeling ending, or there's a tragically sad ball your eyes out ending. Which one? I won't get on to that for at least another chapter. I think I have enough material for other one, maybe two parts before the ending, depends which ending you go for. If it's the sad one, the story will be longer, if you want the happy ending, it will come to an end soon.
"Holding back the years, thinking of the fear I've had so long, when
somebody hears, listen to the fear that's gone."
I had my first physiotherapy session at home today. Charlotte helped me to do basic exercises on my legs, showing Jack what to do at the same time so that he could help me. It feels good to be doing something positive towards getting better, instead of sitting in this chair day in day out, watching Jack run round doing things for me; things that I should be able to do myself.
It's pathetic, the way the therapy tires me out; I used to be so fit. I sigh as the water bubbles around me, supporting my legs and releasing some of the tension from the taut muscles, not only in my legs but in my arms too. Stepping in, he sits down behind me, taking my shoulders between his fingers and rubbing gently. I close my eyes and savour the contact; although he is always kissing me and touching me, we haven't been able to take it that step further, not with me like this. It just hasn't been an option. He is too busy looking after me to think about that anyway.
He moves his hands over my shoulders, down my arms and up the back of my neck, kneading the muscle and skin slowly before moving so that he is facing me and taking my foot in his hand and repeating the process, this time moving a long my leg to my thigh. He pays the same attention to my other leg.
Determined not to be completely useless, I pick up the bottle of baby oil next to the hot tub and pour a little on my hands, rubbing it on his chest lightly dusted with hair. I work up from his navel to his shoulders before turning him around and massaging his back. I deep satisfying sigh tells me that he needed this as much as I did. It's not easy for me, but it's harder for him. He's the one who has to put up with me, cook for me, help me relearn speech, walk, bath me, dress me. It must be like having an oversized child around..only quieter. I pull him back so he sits between my legs and I kiss his neck and temple. If I can't show him I love him with words, I can do it with looks, touches and kisses.
The hot tub Jack had installed for me was placed in the conservatory. With only candles burning, we are able to lay back and see the night sky. With December finally here, the nights bring frosts and crystal clear skies, so clear you can see every star in heaven. If I could stop time and put it in a bottle, I would keep this moment forever.
"You did good today, Sam." He turns to face me. I raise my eyebrows and let out a disbelieving laugh.
"Hey! Stop beating yourself up about this, I can see it in your eyes. I know you hate this, I hate seeing you like this. You know if I could make it all go away I would, in a heartbeat, but it doesn't work like that. It's going to take time, and hard work. But I'm gonna be here and we will beat this. Do you believe me?" he asks, placing a finger under my chin and trying to move my face so I am looking at him. i think I believe him, I know damn well he wont let me give up.
"Sam?"
I meet his gaze. His eyes reflect the golden glow of the candles, but the dim light adds so much depth to his soul, casting his features in to shadow and the flickering flames dance on his face in places. I smile and nod. He places a kiss on my forehead before doing the same to my lips.
Twenty minutes later we get out. He lifts me out and onto a towel, and then proceeds to dry my legs whilst I do my top half. He gets himself dry, then runs into the bedroom for our nightwear. When he returns he has swapped his towel for boxers and a t-shirt, and is carrying one of his favourite hockey jerseys for me. The work I did today has made me more confident about standing. I can stand alone, but only for a few seconds, my muscles are just too weak at the moment. Once he has slipped the jersey over my head, he helps me to stand and I learn into him as he moves my legs to step into my panties. Although I love him, and I am getting used to it, it is a little degrading. I never thought he would be put panties on me, taking them off, yeah, but not putting them on!
"Have I ever told you you're beautiful?" he takes my face in his hands and lays a kiss on my lips, before taking me in his arms and carrying me to our bedroom. He sits me on the bed and pulls back the covers, I handle the rest. He climbs into bed the other side and pulls the cover over both of us. Spooned in his arms I fall asleep quickly.
**
Jack
Standing in the kitchen I look out over my out of control garden. I haven't touched it in months and with winter here, I don't think I will until the spring. I make the coffee for the two women in the lounge. Janet has come to change same dressing and do whatever else she has to do.
"How is she doing Doc?" I ask handing her, her drink. She takes a sip before placing it on the coffee table and answering my question.
"Her neck is healing nicely; I think the stitches can come out soon. And charlotte said that you made good progress the other day. However I am still worried about your blood pressure. Have you been getting any headaches Sam?"
I look at Sam and too my surprise she nods. Janet takes out a bottle of pills from her bag and hands them to me.
"I thought you might. Those should help." She says referring to the pills. "I wanted to do a blood test to check on the anaemia, but I think I will do that next time. Taking more blood from you isn't going to help the blood pressure at the moment. As long as you have been taking the iron pills.?" Sam nods. "Good. You're probably ok then." She smiles.
"So Janet. any idea what Sam and I can get Cass for Christmas?" I ask breaking the silence that had descended on the room moments before.
"Erm, a DVD? She wants that one with Tom Cruise in. The one about a sky?"
I shrug, and then look at my fiancé who is chuckling away on the other side of the table. "I take it you know what we're talking about?" I ask playfully. She nods. Janet roles her eyes then fishes through her bag for something. Moments later she pulls out her mobile.
"I have an idea." She presses a few buttons, then hands it to Sam. "Can you write what the film is called?"
Sam's face becomes a picture of concentration as she fights with her own fingers, getting them to press the right buttons. When she hands the phone back to Janet the small woman smiles.
"Vanilla sky." She announces. I meet Sam's eyes and give her a proud smile.
"Well, what say you and me go Christmas shopping?" I ask her, not taking my eyes away from hers. She smiles.
**
Sam
Two days later I go too my first speech therapy session. Karen showed me how to do different vocal exercises and I actually managed to make some basic words, things with one syllable; him, her, etc. It took a lot of concentration and hurt my throat a little, but it was worth it.
Jack didn't come with me; instead he went for a drink with Daniel. It was Janet's idea and I thought it was a good one. Jack needs a break now and then, it's hard for him. That was proved the other day. We went Christmas shopping, and everything was going well for a while, except that we kept bumping into people. Trying to get around in general in a wheelchair is hard, but in a busy mall with Christmas shoppers rushing around with huge bags full of presents its even worse. Anyway, was rude about disabled people and basically told me to go elsewhere, and get out of his way. Jack lost it, and I mean lost it! I swear he was gonna hit the guy. I grabbed hold of his tensed arm and shock my head at him, which was all I could do. When we got home he went to the kitchen and got a beer out of the fridge. Most of the evening was spent in silence. He did say one thing though, which I don't think I will ever forget.
Sitting on the sofa, he presses mute and the TV becomes silent. I meet his gaze.
"Sam, don't ever, ever let scum bags like that put you down. You're amazing, and don't you ever forget that." he says with a serious look. I place a hand on his cheek and his head instantly moves towards my touch. As my hand reaches his lips, he kisses it gently and squeezes it with his own hand, before turning the sound back up on the telly.
When he picks me up after the therapy I show him what I learnt. That's how things go for the next three weeks. I have the blood tests and the anaemia has gone, I have more physio and I have more speech therapy. The time just passes by unnoticed. Dad came to visit; he stayed for a couple of days. He seemed a little tense around Jack, but otherwise it was great to see him. General Hammond stopped by as well. He says that once I am better, there will be a job for me, and Jack will start giving lectures on combat strategy for potential SGC personnel, and be a tech advisor for off world mission. Neither of us will be going to other worlds very much, if at all from now on. I was forced to resign from active duty, but I was going to anyway, and Jack says he's too old for all this running around in mud and rain and being chased by snake heads. We are both still in the military, but because we don't 'work' with each other anymore, the General is willing to over look our relationship, we are both to valuable to lose over something like that.
Christmas day comes. I am woken up by something wet on my face. I open my eyes to a large pink tongue and big brown eyes. No, it's not Jack. Looking around the small golden Labrador to the smug smile on Jack's face, I narrow my eyes at him.
"It's a dog!"
"Umm?" I question. My speech therapy has been going really well. I can say some things, small things. Sentences are hard, and I can't say Jack's name. I have tried so many times, I just can't do it.
"Merry Christmas. Now, I don't have to tell you that a dog is for life do I?" I look down on the little fluff ball. I have to admit it, he is cute, at least I assume it's a he?
"He?" I question, Jack nods. "Hello" I say, patting him as he madly wags his tail and bounces around. "Herby." I smile as I name him.
"What! You can't call the poor thing Herby. All his mates will laugh at him." I role my eyes. Herby is a cool name. Getting out of bed, I use the furniture to make my way to the wardrobe and pull out Jack's gift. He stands up and takes it from me with a childlike excitement in his eyes. I go back to the bed with his help and sit down as he unwraps it.
"Complete season six of the Simpson's. Excellent! Thank you babe." He kisses me. I cough consciously and point to the inside of the box. He takes out the first DVD and looks inside. A golden wedding ring is placed in a dark blue velvet bag. He hands it to me and I place it on his wedding finger.
"Just reminding you." I smile.
"How could I forget? I can't to marry you. You know I was gonna take you to Vegas this weekend but I thought it was a bit tacky." He winks at me. I don't know why but the thought of the two of us in Vegas just makes me laugh.
"Thank you." I reach out and cuddle him; but he pulls me over and I end up on top of him, and Herby is on top of me, barking happily.
TBC
Ok, a nice happy chapter for ya. Now, I need opinions; I have thought of two endings and I want to know what you people want. There's a nice sappy fuzzy warm feeling ending, or there's a tragically sad ball your eyes out ending. Which one? I won't get on to that for at least another chapter. I think I have enough material for other one, maybe two parts before the ending, depends which ending you go for. If it's the sad one, the story will be longer, if you want the happy ending, it will come to an end soon.