DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. It is also based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas and Lucasfilm. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Authors Note: This is a parody of both Harry Potter and Star Wars, written in response to a thread about Ridiculous Book Titles on . The eventual plot line will be a battle to see which "ship" prevails, hence the title. Warning: No Ship Is Safe (but I go for R/H and H/G, so the end MIGHT be skewed towards those pairings (I haven't written the ending yet, so it's all up in the air still). However, even if you ship D/H, D/G, D/Hr, or H/H, you may enjoy this fic in spite of yourself, so give it a chance, eh? Of course, there's every possibility that you will think this is the stupidest fic you've ever read no matter WHAT ship you sail, in which case. . .I apologize. Furthermore. . .if you've never read/seen Harry Potter, or Star Wars Episode IV, this fic won't make much sense to you. And if you're a die-hard shipper of any pairing who can't see the humor inherent in your ship, go away. This fic is not for you.
SHIP WARS
Long, long ago in a Wizarding School Far, Far Away. . .
DA!!! DADADADADADADADAADADAADADADADA
DADADA daaaaaaaaaaa daaaaaaaaaaa dadada daaaaaaaaaaaaaa daaaaaaaaaaaaaaa dadada daaaaaaaaa daaaaaaaaaa dadadadAAAAAAAAAAA
CAST:
Evil Emperor Voldemort
Darth Malfoy
Princess Hermy Orgranger
Harry Skypotter
Ron Solo
Ginnybacca
AlbiWanKedumble
Uncle Remus
Aunt Sirius
Vast Array of Death Troopers/Storm Eaters
R2Dobby2
2MCG
Possible Target Ships Include, but are not limited to:
The Good Ship (R/Hr)
Guns n Handcuffs (D/H)
LeathernLibraries (D/Hr)
Fire and Ice (D/G)
Orange Crush (H/G)
Wolfstar (S/R)
Act I
Aboard the H.M.S. Pumpkin Pie:
Princess Orgranger: Here, R2Dobby2, these are the secret plans for destroying the Death Ship. These plans MUST reach AlbiWanKedumble!
R2Dobby2: R2Dobby2 has come to warn Princess Orgranger! She MUST not return to Hogwarts, or she will be in Grave Danger! Beep!
Princess Orgranger: Whatever. Just get going! Find an escape pod, quick!
Random Death Trooper: Halt! Who goes there?
Princess Orgranger (batting her eyelashes): You wouldn't hurt a girl would you?
Random Death Trooper: Not one as fine as you, baby. . .c'mere, give us a snog.
Princess Orgranger: Stupefy!!
(Random Death Trooper falls over, but two more take his place)
Princess Orgranger: Horsefeathers!
(She turns and runs, but one of the Death Troopers catches her in the back with a curse)
Darth Malfoy: Is that the Princess? Good, take her to my ship for interrogation.
Death Trooper: Shall we put her in the brig?
Darth Malfoy: Of course not. Take her to the library. Oh, and set out my best leather trousers, will you?
(Random Death Troopers look confused, but hurry off to follow orders).
Act II
MEANWHILE, ON TATOOWHINGING:
M2CG: We're lost! You silly elf, why did you bring us here? It's dusty and dirty and my joints are locking up! I forgot to bring the BenGay! And there are these horrible muggles everywhere!
R2Dobby2: Beep!
M2CG: Stop that infernal beeping! I know you can talk.
(R2Dobby2 looks around furtively, then ZAPS M2CG who suddenly falls mute. They continue along the desert floor but are suddenly overtaken by Gobwas, who cart them off to a lumbering hulk of a vehicle to be sold off to the highest bidder).
Several days later:
Harry SkyPotter: Uncle Remus, look! An R2 unit!
R2Dobby2: Harry Skypotter! Such an honor it is!
Harry Skypotter: Huh? Do I know you?
R2Dobby2: No, but R2Dobby2 has come to warn you anyway! Harry Skypotter must not return to Hogwarts!
Harry Skypotter: I've never been there, how could I return? Uncle Remus, I think we'd better forget this one. He's crackers. That one over there looks better.
Uncle Remus: Great. And I've found a translator droid too. She can help us reprogram the vaporators.
M2CG: I said no such thing! I'm a transfigurator droid, not a translator!
Uncle Remus: Whatever.
(suddenly the generic R2 droid spazzes out)
Harry Skypotter: Aw, nuts. Guess we'll have to take the elf after all. Come on, you two.
(MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH)
Aunt Sirius: It's about time you two got back. I've been stuck in this grim, old place forever, all by myself with no one to talk to. Are those the new droids?
Uncle Remus: Yes, Sirius, those are the new droids. Y'know. . .it's that time of the month. What do you say to a little canine romp later?
Aunt Sirius: Remus. . .you always did know how to make a guy wag his tail.
Harry Skypotter: Aunt Sirius, when will dinner be ready?
Aunt Sirius: WHY do you insist on calling me AUNT when I'm MALE?
Harry Skypotter: Um. . .
Aunt Sirius: Never mind. Take the droids to the shack and fit them with restraining bolts.
Harry Skypotter: Um, okay. If you say so.
(From the Shack we hear SHRIEKS of pain, not to mention moans from the audience at the author's terrible pun. When we pan to our Hero and his droids, they both have shiny new bolts attached to their breastbones. We don't want to know HOW he accomplished this, as they are actually flesh, not metal).
R2Dobby2: It burns us, it burns us! Oh, please, take if off us, nice hobbitses!
Harry Skypotter: Wrong movie.
R2Dobby2: What? Oh. Give me a minute. How about beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep.
Harry Skypotter: That's better. Now, I deduce from that stream of beeps that you have a hologram of a hot chick to show me, if only I'll remove the bolt?
R2Dobby2: Beep beep!
Harry Skypotter: I want proof.
(we hear a loud CRACK and suddenly a glowing blue light emits from R2Dobby2's incredibly long NOSE)
Princess Hermy Ogranger: Help me AlbiWanKedumble, you're my only hope!
Harry Skypotter: Woah, she's HOTT!!! She ROX MY SOX! Play the rest of it.
R2Dobby2: beep beep beep beep
Harry Skypotter: Fine.
(He removes the bolt. The video snaps off)
Harry Skypotter: Hey, where'd she go? Bring her back!
(Harry rips off his shirt in frustration and tosses it at the elf. We see that HARRY has a huge SCAR in the shape of a LIGHTNING BOLT emblazoned across his CHEST)
R2Dobby2: Master gave R2Dobby2 clothes! R2Dobby2 is FREE!
(with that, the elf gets an evil grin on his face, snaps his fingers, and disappears into nothingness)
Harry Skypotter: Shazaam!!
M2CG: Wrong movie.
Harry Skypotter: Oh, right. Horsefeathers!
M2CG: Not what I would have said, but it will do. Are we going after the little bugger, or not?
Harry Skypotter: Of course. I have to meet the hott chick and save the day. Quick, to the Harry Mobile! Away!
(M2CG rolls her eyes, but follows dutifully)
Act III
Aboard the H.M.S. Leather N Libraries:
Darth Malfoy: Listen, you filthy little Mudblood, I'm getting tired of asking. Where are the plans you stole?
Hermy Orgranger: I don't know what you're talking about.
Darth Malfoy: We have ways of making you talk.
Hermy Orgranger: Do your worst, Malfoy. I can take anything you have to dish out.
Darth Malfoy whips back his cape to reveal supple, black leather trousers. Princess Hermy's eyes grow large, and her mouth falls open as she watches Darth Malfoy strut from one side of the library to the other.
Darth Malfoy: Princess. . .all of this could be yours, you know. (he gestures around to the books on the walls). And I have an even larger library back on the Death Ship. It's inevitable. All ships will soon be Draco! You're fighting a losing battle.
(Princess Hermy is still distracted by the sight of Darth Malfoy strutting in his trousers. . .she licks her lips faintly, then jars herself out of her trance).
Hermy Orgranger: Never.
Darth Malfoy: You leave me no choice.
(He whips out his wand. It is very long, very thick, and very hard. He waves it tauntingly at the Princess, who's eyes grow even larger as her mouth falls open once more. A tiny bit of drool forms at the corner of her mouth)
Darth Malfoy: Bet you've never seen a wand like this before, have you Princess?
Hermy Orgranger: It's. . .it's. . .so big!
Darth Malfoy: 12 inches of solid oak.
Hermy Orgranger: Can I touch it?
Darth Malfoy: No, but I'll let you have it.
Hermy Orgranger: Really?
(Darth Malfoy points his wand at Princess Hermy and shouts)
Darth Malfoy: Crucio!!!!
(the scene closes to Hermy's shrieks of. . .pain? Yeah, right!)
Meanwhile, back on TATOOWHINGING:
(The scene opens upon M2CG and Harry Skypotter flying through the air riding. . ..NOTHING!! But we hear a distinct flapping, as if something with huge wings is beating the air as Harry and M2CG glide along.)
Harry Skypotter (pointing to the earth below): Look! There he is!
(we see R2Dobby2 scampering along as fast as his little legs will carry him. Harry and M2CG guide their invisible conveyances down to the ground in front of R2Dobby2, who beeps at them)
Harry Skypotter: You've been a very bad house elf. I shan't let you sit next to me anymore.
(R2Dobby2 bursts into tears. In the distance, we hear a terrible ROAR)
M2CG: Oh my, what was that?
(we notice that Harry Skypotter has grown remarkably pale)
Harry Skypotter: I think it may be Snorkacks.
M2CG: Ridiculous. They don't exist.
(as if to prove her wrong, a huge beast with crumpled horns materializes in front of M2CG)
Crumple Horned Snorkack: BOOGETY BOOGETY!
M2CG: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(She falls over the side of a cliff. We hope she is dead. Alas, we are not so fortunate.)
Harry Skypotter (gibbering incoherently): bu..bu. . .bu. . .
(the crumple horned snorkack reaches over to him with a huge, hairy hand and grabs his nose)
Crumple Horned Snorkack: GOT YER NOSE!!!
(the Snorkack disappears, along with Harry's nose. Harry passes out. When he comes to, a strange man is in front of him, along with R2Dobby2)
Harry Skypotter: Albi? Ib dat you?
AlbiWanKeDumble: Quickly, young Harry. We must leave these parts before the Snorkack returns and brings his friends.
Harry Skypotter: Bud he'b god by dose!
AlbiWanKeDumble: Exactly. And I don't want him to get mine, so let's hurry.
(They grab M2CG from the bottom of a ravine and apparate to AlbiWanKedumble's hole-in-the-wall.)
Harry Skypotter: Dis droibe days he belonks do you?
M2CG (rolling her eyes in disgust): Oh, do be quiet, Skypotter. You make little enough sense when you DO have a nose.
(M2CG explains the situation to AlbiWanKedumble, glaring at R2Dobby2 frequently throughout her tirade).
AlbiWanKeDumble: Funny, I don't remember owning a droid. But then, I'm an old man, and there's lots of things I don't remember.
(R2Dobby2 gets a strange look on his face, almost like GUILT. He looks intently at the wall of the cave and WHISTLES.)
AlbiWanKeDumble: Here now, my little friend. Show us what you've got.
(with another sharp CRACK, R2Dobby2's nose begins to emit the strange, glowing light again, and the image of Hermy Orgranger appears in all her Princessly glory)
M2CG: Wow, I wonder if her hair is always that bushy? I'll have to give her the number of my stylist when we meet her.
(Harry Skypotter looks over at M2CG, whose hair is pulled straight back into a large bun at the back of her head. It is plain that he thinks that Hermy's hairstyle is vastly preferable. After all, it could be worse. She could have a bun on either side of her head!)
To Be Continued…..(it's late, and I'm tired)