Chapter 2
Kit: Hi I'm Kit
Kat: And I'm Kat.
Kit: And you're watching R.I.T.S.
Kat: Really Insane Talk Show
Kit: Before we begin, we will sing the Anakin anthem and pledge allegiance to Anakin, even if he is a twit.
(After the anthem and the pledge, the two sit back down in their chairs.)
Kat: Today, due to the shocking success of the previous episode-
Kit: If you can call it shocking (nurses broken arm in a cast)
Kat: We will be interviewing the three faces of Obi-Wan!
(crowd whoops and claps. A loud whistle is heard)
Kit: Okay, who did that?
Kat: Who cares? I am pleased to present…(whispers) Drum roll!
(a wookiee off-set beats on a drum)
Kat: Obi-Wan Kenobi!
( An average-sized guy of about 25 enters, his long braid flipping around as he bows and smiles, causing
20% of the female audience who do not sing the Anakin anthem, to swoon)
Obi: Thank you, thank you very much.
Kat: Obi-Wan Kenobi!
(An older looking, bearded man with an I-am-not-amused expression enters, crossing his arms and frowning
upon his younger self.)
Obi-Wan: Must you make such a spectacle?
Obi: Of course. It's fun. And they love me!
Kit: Riiight.
Kat: And last but not-okay maybe least, Old Ben Kenobi!
(A stunted old man with a hood and white hair walks out, looking rather annoyed)
Ben: Obi-Wan, lighten up!
Obi-Wan: You try training that brat of a chosen one!
Ben: I did for longer than you. And look at me!
Obi-Wan: Exactly! He gives me a new grey hair every two minutes!
Obi: I knew he was trouble!
Ben: More trouble than you can imagine.
Kit: OKAY! That's enough self-bonding, time to get on with the questions.
Kat: We'll start with Obi. Ok Obi, do you think there is something going on between Yoda and Yaddle?
Obi: EW! I don't know and I don't want to know!
Kit: Ok, ok. Do you have gelling for Padmé?
Obi: Umm…uhh…no?
Kat: Uh huh…ok Obi, did you ever skip training to buy candy?
Obi: Never!
Obi-Wan and Ben: LIAR!
Obi: (whispers) shut up!
Kit: It's okay, Obi, we all love candy.
Ben: It rots my teeth. Thanks to those two.
Obi-Wan: I never ate a piece of candy when I was a Master.
Ben: Ok, you and I both know that's a total lie.
Obi-Wan: Is not!
Ben: Is too!
Obi-Wan: Is not!
Ben: Is too!
( This continues for five minutes before the hostesses decided to stop it)
Kat: OKAY! ENOUGH!
Obi: I can't believe that's gonna be me.
Kit: I think we need a peace song.
Kat: Right-o!
(Both pull out guitars and start strumming)
Kit and Kat: She's a good girl, loves her momma, loves Jesus, and America too. She's a good girl, crazy bout
Elvis, loves horses, and her boyfriend too…(continues until the song is over)
Obi: (with a tear in his eye) That was beautiful.
Kat: Thank you!
Obi: (continues to stare at Kat and scoots closer to her. She gives him a weird look and moves further away)
Kit: Ok…another question. How about someone from the audience?
Strange Insane Person from the audience: Obi, do you like Cocoa Puffs or Corn Pops better?
Obi: DUH! Cocoa Puffs!
Strange Insane Person from the Audience: AS i sus-PECT-ed [scribbles something on
clipboard]
Kit: Excuse me, miss, what are you doing?
Strange Insane Person from the Audience: Uhh... Nothing...
Kit: Suuuuuuuuuure. SECURITY!
(Securety, this time three grand moffs from the Death Star, as the Storm Troopers died at Darth Vader's lightsaber. Did I mention that da big V never made it to the Loonie Bin? Don't worry, you're perfectly safe... I hope.)
Strange Insane person from the audience: (being pulled away by Securety and screaming) NO!!!!!! NO!!!!! PLEASE NO!!!!!!!
Kat: Okaaaaay.... next question!
Kit: If you could have anything in the universe, what would it be?
Obi: I miss... *sniff* Master Qui-Gon... *breaks down completely and cries uncontrolably*
Obi-Wan: For Force' sake, pull yourself together, man!
Obi: B-b-but- *continues crying*
Obi-Wan: *covering his ears* if I could have anything in the universe, I'd pick a peaceful, quiet resort in which to savor my early retirement, with no whiny crybabies like him, or my bratty apprentice.
Anakin's Voice: I heard that!
Ben: I would select an all-expenses-paid trip to the Bahamas with Luminara.
Kit: So you DO like her!
Obi-Wan: No!
Ben: Liar.
Obi: Wait! Who are we talking about here?
Obi-Wan and Ben: You don't know her.
Obi: Is she hot?
Ben: Yes.
Obi-Wan: No.
Ben: Liar.
Obi-Wan: Jedi don't fall in love.
Ben: They don't lie, either.
Obi-Wan: I'm not lying!
Ben: then how come your face is all red?
Obi-Wan: It's... hot in here.
Kat: It's 15 degrees, it's cold!
Obi-Wan: *Through clenched teeth* Not helping.
Kat: Fine. :-P mneh
Ben: You like her. Admit it.
Obi-Wan: (valiantly) Never!
Kit: Does she like you?
Obi-Wan: Of course not!
Ben: Of course!
Kit: Just marry her and quit with this.
Obi-Wan: Jedi don't get married.
Kat: But Anakin did!
Obi-Wan: What?! Padawan! Come here NOW!
(Anakin walks in, shuffling his feet and staring at the ground.)
Anakin: Y-yes, Master....s?
(All Obi-Wans are now staring at Anakin. Obi in disbelief that this is that little brat from Tatooine, Obi-Wan looking very serious, and Ben cowering, slightly)
Obi-Wan: is this true, Anakin?
Anakin: Is what true, Master?
Obi-Wan: That you married Padme
Anakin: (whispers to Kit and Kat) it was supposed to be a secret
Kit: (whispers back) that's what you get for running off with that girl form the audience
(padme suddenly appears)
Padme: YOU WHAT?!?!?!
Anakin: Ummm... (starts to sweat)
Kat: Ran off with a girl from the audience, ma'am
Padme: Ooo, Skywalker, you are in trouble now
Anakin: ( in whiny voice) Master help!
Obi-Wan: (stares in disbelief and goes to say something but gets a glare from Padme) may the force be with you my young apprentice
Anakin: (begins to cry uncontrolably) no!
(Padme and Anakin leave the stage)
(Kit and Kat exchange looks and burst out laughing)
Obi: How is that funny? She's gonna kill him!
Kit: (between laughs) serves him right for running off with that girl
Kat: (laughs so hard she falls off her chair and lands in Obi's lap. Obi gives her a weird grin and she quickly leaps from the floor to her chair) Alright (smooths her shirt) how about another question?
Kit: ok, this question is for Ben. How come you don't remember R2-D2?
Ben: who's R2-D2?
Kit: YOUR DROID!
Ben: My what?
(Kit screams and leaps for Ben)
Kat: KIT NO!!!! PEACE OVER ANGER, HONOR OVER HATE, STRENGTH OVER FEAR!!!!
Kit: (sits back down) of course. I am a Jedi, Keeper of Peace in the Universe. Not a disturber of it.
Obi-Wan: When did you become a Jedi?
Kat: When we said we were all powerful Jedis.
Obi-Wan: The plural of Jedi is Jedi
Kat: Does it look like I care?
Obi-Wan: not really.
Kat: Exactamondo big guy.
Kit: ok, how about another question for Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: (head in hands) Oh no...
Kit: So, did you ever mock Master Yoda behind his back?
Obi-wan: NEVER! *starts to giggle* he's so short though...
Kat: How dare you mock Master Yoda!!!!!! He is the coolest short, old dude I know!
Obi-Wan: you know Master Yoda?
Kat: Oh yeah we go way back (hands Obi-wan a picture of Kat and Yoda with their arms around each and Yoda dangling in the air, smiling for the camera)
Obi-Wan: wow
Kat: Yup
Kit: So you DID make fun of him?
Obi-Wan: (hanging head) yeah....
Kat: Obi-Wan Kenobi, I'm ashamed of you!
Obi: But that was my older version, you're not ashamed of me, are you?
Kat: ummmm no...
Kit: I AM! HE WAS MEAN ABOUT MASTER YODA!
(Master Yoda runs in, whacks Obi-Wan over the head with his gaffi stick, and runs off-stage)
Obi-Wan: (starts to cry) that hurt!
Kit: You deserved it!
Kat: Making fun of poor Yoda... tsk tsk.
Obi: You don't think I'm bad do you Kat? I mean, that's the older me!
Kat: No I don't, so shut it!
Obi: Of course.
Kit: O...k then, anyways how about our contest announcement now Kat?
Kat: sure Kit!
Kit: Great. Here's the deal.
Kat: you leave a review with an asterisk in it and we'll enter you in a draw for a cameo on our show!
Kit: If you win, you get a cameo in our show, with a character of your choice!
Kat: So leave reviews and after a week we'll say who wins in the next chapter.
Kit: And we'll talk to you about what character you want, so the next chapter after the announcement, we give you your cameo!
Obi: Can I enter?
Kat: Sure.
Kit: Who's your favourite character?
Obi: Kat.
Kat: (edges away from Obi) then again, you can't enter sorry, only reviewers.
Kit: ok so send us your reviews and entry code thingy and we'll put you in a draw for the cameo!
Kat: So, that's all, people!
Obi: You mean I have to leave now?
Kat: Yes
Obi: Can't I stay? Please?
Kat: NO
Kit: STALKER!
Kat: SECURETY!
(securety comes in again and drags Obi out of the studio. He hurls crumpled piece of paper at Kat before he is gone)
Kit: What is it?
Kat: (smooths paper) It's... his number.
Kit: I advise you to stay away from him in the future.
Kat: No duh
Kat and Kit: Thanks again for joining us on R.I.T.S. we hope to see you next time!
(show ends with a shot of Yoda whacking Obi-Wan with his gaffi stick, Ben having a rather aggressive "chat" with Anakin, and Kit and Kat getting into their limousine as big guys in black suits and shades look around suspiciously)
Kit: Hi I'm Kit
Kat: And I'm Kat.
Kit: And you're watching R.I.T.S.
Kat: Really Insane Talk Show
Kit: Before we begin, we will sing the Anakin anthem and pledge allegiance to Anakin, even if he is a twit.
(After the anthem and the pledge, the two sit back down in their chairs.)
Kat: Today, due to the shocking success of the previous episode-
Kit: If you can call it shocking (nurses broken arm in a cast)
Kat: We will be interviewing the three faces of Obi-Wan!
(crowd whoops and claps. A loud whistle is heard)
Kit: Okay, who did that?
Kat: Who cares? I am pleased to present…(whispers) Drum roll!
(a wookiee off-set beats on a drum)
Kat: Obi-Wan Kenobi!
( An average-sized guy of about 25 enters, his long braid flipping around as he bows and smiles, causing
20% of the female audience who do not sing the Anakin anthem, to swoon)
Obi: Thank you, thank you very much.
Kat: Obi-Wan Kenobi!
(An older looking, bearded man with an I-am-not-amused expression enters, crossing his arms and frowning
upon his younger self.)
Obi-Wan: Must you make such a spectacle?
Obi: Of course. It's fun. And they love me!
Kit: Riiight.
Kat: And last but not-okay maybe least, Old Ben Kenobi!
(A stunted old man with a hood and white hair walks out, looking rather annoyed)
Ben: Obi-Wan, lighten up!
Obi-Wan: You try training that brat of a chosen one!
Ben: I did for longer than you. And look at me!
Obi-Wan: Exactly! He gives me a new grey hair every two minutes!
Obi: I knew he was trouble!
Ben: More trouble than you can imagine.
Kit: OKAY! That's enough self-bonding, time to get on with the questions.
Kat: We'll start with Obi. Ok Obi, do you think there is something going on between Yoda and Yaddle?
Obi: EW! I don't know and I don't want to know!
Kit: Ok, ok. Do you have gelling for Padmé?
Obi: Umm…uhh…no?
Kat: Uh huh…ok Obi, did you ever skip training to buy candy?
Obi: Never!
Obi-Wan and Ben: LIAR!
Obi: (whispers) shut up!
Kit: It's okay, Obi, we all love candy.
Ben: It rots my teeth. Thanks to those two.
Obi-Wan: I never ate a piece of candy when I was a Master.
Ben: Ok, you and I both know that's a total lie.
Obi-Wan: Is not!
Ben: Is too!
Obi-Wan: Is not!
Ben: Is too!
( This continues for five minutes before the hostesses decided to stop it)
Kat: OKAY! ENOUGH!
Obi: I can't believe that's gonna be me.
Kit: I think we need a peace song.
Kat: Right-o!
(Both pull out guitars and start strumming)
Kit and Kat: She's a good girl, loves her momma, loves Jesus, and America too. She's a good girl, crazy bout
Elvis, loves horses, and her boyfriend too…(continues until the song is over)
Obi: (with a tear in his eye) That was beautiful.
Kat: Thank you!
Obi: (continues to stare at Kat and scoots closer to her. She gives him a weird look and moves further away)
Kit: Ok…another question. How about someone from the audience?
Strange Insane Person from the audience: Obi, do you like Cocoa Puffs or Corn Pops better?
Obi: DUH! Cocoa Puffs!
Strange Insane Person from the Audience: AS i sus-PECT-ed [scribbles something on
clipboard]
Kit: Excuse me, miss, what are you doing?
Strange Insane Person from the Audience: Uhh... Nothing...
Kit: Suuuuuuuuuure. SECURITY!
(Securety, this time three grand moffs from the Death Star, as the Storm Troopers died at Darth Vader's lightsaber. Did I mention that da big V never made it to the Loonie Bin? Don't worry, you're perfectly safe... I hope.)
Strange Insane person from the audience: (being pulled away by Securety and screaming) NO!!!!!! NO!!!!! PLEASE NO!!!!!!!
Kat: Okaaaaay.... next question!
Kit: If you could have anything in the universe, what would it be?
Obi: I miss... *sniff* Master Qui-Gon... *breaks down completely and cries uncontrolably*
Obi-Wan: For Force' sake, pull yourself together, man!
Obi: B-b-but- *continues crying*
Obi-Wan: *covering his ears* if I could have anything in the universe, I'd pick a peaceful, quiet resort in which to savor my early retirement, with no whiny crybabies like him, or my bratty apprentice.
Anakin's Voice: I heard that!
Ben: I would select an all-expenses-paid trip to the Bahamas with Luminara.
Kit: So you DO like her!
Obi-Wan: No!
Ben: Liar.
Obi: Wait! Who are we talking about here?
Obi-Wan and Ben: You don't know her.
Obi: Is she hot?
Ben: Yes.
Obi-Wan: No.
Ben: Liar.
Obi-Wan: Jedi don't fall in love.
Ben: They don't lie, either.
Obi-Wan: I'm not lying!
Ben: then how come your face is all red?
Obi-Wan: It's... hot in here.
Kat: It's 15 degrees, it's cold!
Obi-Wan: *Through clenched teeth* Not helping.
Kat: Fine. :-P mneh
Ben: You like her. Admit it.
Obi-Wan: (valiantly) Never!
Kit: Does she like you?
Obi-Wan: Of course not!
Ben: Of course!
Kit: Just marry her and quit with this.
Obi-Wan: Jedi don't get married.
Kat: But Anakin did!
Obi-Wan: What?! Padawan! Come here NOW!
(Anakin walks in, shuffling his feet and staring at the ground.)
Anakin: Y-yes, Master....s?
(All Obi-Wans are now staring at Anakin. Obi in disbelief that this is that little brat from Tatooine, Obi-Wan looking very serious, and Ben cowering, slightly)
Obi-Wan: is this true, Anakin?
Anakin: Is what true, Master?
Obi-Wan: That you married Padme
Anakin: (whispers to Kit and Kat) it was supposed to be a secret
Kit: (whispers back) that's what you get for running off with that girl form the audience
(padme suddenly appears)
Padme: YOU WHAT?!?!?!
Anakin: Ummm... (starts to sweat)
Kat: Ran off with a girl from the audience, ma'am
Padme: Ooo, Skywalker, you are in trouble now
Anakin: ( in whiny voice) Master help!
Obi-Wan: (stares in disbelief and goes to say something but gets a glare from Padme) may the force be with you my young apprentice
Anakin: (begins to cry uncontrolably) no!
(Padme and Anakin leave the stage)
(Kit and Kat exchange looks and burst out laughing)
Obi: How is that funny? She's gonna kill him!
Kit: (between laughs) serves him right for running off with that girl
Kat: (laughs so hard she falls off her chair and lands in Obi's lap. Obi gives her a weird grin and she quickly leaps from the floor to her chair) Alright (smooths her shirt) how about another question?
Kit: ok, this question is for Ben. How come you don't remember R2-D2?
Ben: who's R2-D2?
Kit: YOUR DROID!
Ben: My what?
(Kit screams and leaps for Ben)
Kat: KIT NO!!!! PEACE OVER ANGER, HONOR OVER HATE, STRENGTH OVER FEAR!!!!
Kit: (sits back down) of course. I am a Jedi, Keeper of Peace in the Universe. Not a disturber of it.
Obi-Wan: When did you become a Jedi?
Kat: When we said we were all powerful Jedis.
Obi-Wan: The plural of Jedi is Jedi
Kat: Does it look like I care?
Obi-Wan: not really.
Kat: Exactamondo big guy.
Kit: ok, how about another question for Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: (head in hands) Oh no...
Kit: So, did you ever mock Master Yoda behind his back?
Obi-wan: NEVER! *starts to giggle* he's so short though...
Kat: How dare you mock Master Yoda!!!!!! He is the coolest short, old dude I know!
Obi-Wan: you know Master Yoda?
Kat: Oh yeah we go way back (hands Obi-wan a picture of Kat and Yoda with their arms around each and Yoda dangling in the air, smiling for the camera)
Obi-Wan: wow
Kat: Yup
Kit: So you DID make fun of him?
Obi-Wan: (hanging head) yeah....
Kat: Obi-Wan Kenobi, I'm ashamed of you!
Obi: But that was my older version, you're not ashamed of me, are you?
Kat: ummmm no...
Kit: I AM! HE WAS MEAN ABOUT MASTER YODA!
(Master Yoda runs in, whacks Obi-Wan over the head with his gaffi stick, and runs off-stage)
Obi-Wan: (starts to cry) that hurt!
Kit: You deserved it!
Kat: Making fun of poor Yoda... tsk tsk.
Obi: You don't think I'm bad do you Kat? I mean, that's the older me!
Kat: No I don't, so shut it!
Obi: Of course.
Kit: O...k then, anyways how about our contest announcement now Kat?
Kat: sure Kit!
Kit: Great. Here's the deal.
Kat: you leave a review with an asterisk in it and we'll enter you in a draw for a cameo on our show!
Kit: If you win, you get a cameo in our show, with a character of your choice!
Kat: So leave reviews and after a week we'll say who wins in the next chapter.
Kit: And we'll talk to you about what character you want, so the next chapter after the announcement, we give you your cameo!
Obi: Can I enter?
Kat: Sure.
Kit: Who's your favourite character?
Obi: Kat.
Kat: (edges away from Obi) then again, you can't enter sorry, only reviewers.
Kit: ok so send us your reviews and entry code thingy and we'll put you in a draw for the cameo!
Kat: So, that's all, people!
Obi: You mean I have to leave now?
Kat: Yes
Obi: Can't I stay? Please?
Kat: NO
Kit: STALKER!
Kat: SECURETY!
(securety comes in again and drags Obi out of the studio. He hurls crumpled piece of paper at Kat before he is gone)
Kit: What is it?
Kat: (smooths paper) It's... his number.
Kit: I advise you to stay away from him in the future.
Kat: No duh
Kat and Kit: Thanks again for joining us on R.I.T.S. we hope to see you next time!
(show ends with a shot of Yoda whacking Obi-Wan with his gaffi stick, Ben having a rather aggressive "chat" with Anakin, and Kit and Kat getting into their limousine as big guys in black suits and shades look around suspiciously)