Chapter Three
Kit: Hi! I'm Kit!
Kat: And I'm Kat!
Kit: And you're watching - reading - whatever... R.I.T.S.!
Kat: Really Insane Talk Show!
Kit: And, as always, before we begin, we will sing the Anakin Anthem and pledge alliegence to Anakin, although he isn't lookin' to hot right now.
[a candid shot shows Anakin unconcious in a hospital ward with his head bandaged, two black eyes, a slightly crooked nose, his right arm in a cast, his left forefinger in a splint, his lip bleeding, numerous other cuts and bruises, and a pair of crutches leaning against the bed.]
Kat: Concequences ain't priddy when you're dealing with the former Queen of Naboo, who also happens to be your wife. tsk tsk.
[They rise, sing the anthem, recite the pledge, and sit back down]
Kit: Alright, today we have a scandal. *puts fingers together manacingly* a Yoda/Yaddle scandal to be precise.
Kat: Think we should have them back, Kit? We kinda owe them credits.
Kit: Don't worry, we've got body guards.
[Two very large Wookiees in black jackets and wearing black sunglasses come out and stand behind the girls.]
Kat: Okay... Well, here's Yoda!
[a small, green, froglike creature steps out onto the stage, glaring at Kit and Kat]
Yoda: Owe me 50,000 credits, you do.
Kit: About that... well, next character... Yaddle!
Yaddle: Pay me 50,000 credits, you must. *looks threatening, helped greatly by the large man standing behind her wearing a woolen balaclava and holding a bloody scimitar*
[Both the Wookiees and the man glare at each other]
Kit: Doesn't that itch? *gestures toward the balaclava*
Man: No.
Kat: It must. It's 100% wool, right?
Man: Yes.
Kit: Is that all you can say? Yes or No?
Man: Yes. No.
Kat: Well, make up your mind already!
Man: She's making me do this. *points scimitar at Yaddle*
Yaddle: *quietly* cuz if do this, you do not, show your girlfriend that picture of you in a bikini, I will.
Man: *promptly stops talking*
Kat: Ooo, Yaddle's blackmailing people, that'll make a good show.
Yaddle: *waves hand Jedi-style* Blackmailing him, I am not.
Kit: Yes, you are
Yaddle: *waves hand a little bit more insistantly* Blackmailing him, I am not.
Kat: YES, you are! What, you think you're some kind of Jedi, waving your hand around like that?
Kit: We're freaks. Mind-tricks don't work on us.
Yaddle: *censored*
Kit: Anyway... back to reality.
Kat: What reality? We're hosting a fictional TV show with fictional characters in a fictional studio.
Kit: But good authors can make the audience believe this is all real. And if it's not real, how come THIS happened? *waves arm, which is still in a cast, under Kat's nose*
Kat: Good point. Okay. Back to reality.
Kit: At least, reality for us freak-Jedi
Kat: Of course. Yoda, Yaddle, please sit down.
*Yoda and Yaddle sit down on large, squashy armchairs, and sink down to their ears*
Both: Help, we need!
Kat: ...On second thought, maybe it would be better if you just stood.
*Man with scimitar pulls both Yoda and Yaddle up by their ears, and sets them down on the floor*
Kit: Alright. The two of you know why you're here, don't you?
Yoda: Know, we do not.
Kat: I think you do.
Yaddle: Deaf, are you? Know, we do not.
Kit: You just keep tellin' yourself that.
Yoda: *waves gaffi stick threateningly*
Kit: Oh, that reminds me. We had a reviewer who said it's a gimmer stick, not a gaffi stick. what are your thoughts on this?
Yoda: Gimmer stick, I have, but gaffi stick, this is. Present from young Skywalker, this is.
Kit: And what do you use it for?
Yoda: If really want to know, you do, more than glad to show you, I would be. *waves stick even more threateningly than the first time*
Kit: Er... that won't be necessarry
Kat: Well, as you won't admit it you know why you're here, and as the audience doesn't know, I suppose we'll have to tell you why you're here.
Yaddle: Helpful, that would be.
Kit: Okay.
Kat: In a word...
Both: SCANDAL!
*Yoda and Yaddle are blasted back from the force of the yell. They fly out the window to the left of the stage.*
Yoda: (^_^) Wheeeeee! Fly, I can!
Yaddle: *flapping her arms* (^_^) Birds, we are!
*both crash into a brick wall*
Kat: Will somebody go get them?!
*Yoda and Yaddle are brought back by a Mon Calamari lighting dude*
Yaddle: All the pretty birdies, look at!
Yoda: (@_@) *falls over*
Kit: MEDICS!
*Luke, Han, and Lando come out wearing tight white nurse's dresses, little white nurse's hats, red lipstick, fake eyelashes, pantyhose and black high-heels*
Lando: You called?
Kit: Obviously.
Luke: *hopefully* Do you need CPR?
Kit: ew, NO!
Han: Then what do you need?
Lando: Make it quick, we've got to get back to our monopoly game.
Kat: Who's winning?
Kit: Who cares?
Luke: I'm winning. I've got boardwalk and park place and all the railroads, and $10, 000!
Kit: Lovely. Now would you please do something about them? *points at Yoda and Yaddle*
Han: What's wrong with them?
Kit: Hmm, I don't know, maybe they're UNCONCIOUS?!?!
Kat: Kit. Breathe in.... breathe out...
Kit: *Imitates Darth Vader's breathing*
Kat: *joins her*
Luke: *muttering insanely* No... breathing... all around me... no escape... father... sith... hand....
Han: *whacks him with the millenium falcon*
Luke: Thanks.
Han: No problem, kid.
Kit: Quel est le problème avec vous les gens?!?! Vous êtes des médecins, vous êtes censés les rétablir!! Nous devons poursuivre avec l'émission! Êtes vous mentalement instable?!?! Êtes vous sourd?!?! Ivre?!?! Stupide plat juste?!?! Je dois à--
Kat: KIT!
Kit: Que voulez-vous? Oh... Did I start yappin' in French again?
Everyone present: YES.
Kit: whoopsies... sorry.
Luke: *pats her back* It's okay. we all lose our tempers sometimes
Kit: *gets that weird i-am-so-mad-it-is-a-struggle-not-to-just-kill-you look* Excuse me. *walks into a small room off-set and soon the sounds of screams, breaking glass, ripping paper and large objects hitting the wall reach their ears.*
Kat: Well... we should probably wait till she gets out.
Kit: I'm not coming out untill those morons are gone.
Kat: Okay guys, do something about Yoda and Yaddle, then leave.
*Yoda and Yaddle wake up, slowly*
Lando: They're up...
Han: And we're out.
Luke: Ta ta!
*the nurses leave the set*
Kat: Kit, it's safe!
Kit: *walks back out onto the set, smoothing her hair* Good. I was running out of things to break.
Kat: What exactly did you break?
Kit: Uhh... *counts on her fingers* a paper shredder, an easy-bake oven, a telescope, a xerox machine, a terrarium, a grandfather clock, a stapler gun, a lawn chair, a china tea set from the sixteenth century, a bust of Ludwig von Beethoven and a volkswagon beetle.
Kat: Oh, is THAT all. I thought you might've gone and broken something important.
Kit: NEVER.
Kat: Of course. Back to the show?
Kit: Naturally. So. Yoda. Yaddle. You consider yourselves model members of the Jedi Order?
Yoda: True, that is.
Yaddle: The best, we are.
Kat: Well, how do you think your loyal kights would feel if they knew what's going on between the two of you?
Yoda: Talking about, what are you?
Kit: Oh, I think you know the answer to that.
*Yaddle and Yoda give her a death-glare*
Kit: You just don't want to admit it.
Kat: But we know the truth.
Kit: So how long have you two been... together?
Yoda: Together, we are not
Yaddle: Really?
Yoda: Really, yes.
Yaddle: Not what you said last night, that is.
Yoda: Shut your mouth, You should.
Kit: Keep in mind that this is a PG fic. All content should be suitable for children age nine and up. Otherelse they'll figure out where I am.
Kat: Who?
Kit: You don't want to know
Kat: Alright, okay Yoda, why do you deny being involved with Yaddle?
Yoda: because not involved with her, I am!
Yaddle: *starts crying* Embarrassed by me, you are?
Kit: Hey, Kat.
Kat: Yeah?
Kit: I just thought of something.
Kat: What's that?
Kit: If there IS something going on between them, do we really want to know? I mean, the truth could end up scarring us for life.
Kat: True, but there's always a place for us at the loony bin, you know they always keep a padded room and straitjackets waiting.
Kit: Okay, well, I think we've put Yoda and Yaddle through enough hardships, the poor things.
Kat: Okay, well, now a break!
Break: Get ready for a new exciting story here on fanfiction.net! Yaeb Ginn is sent to his homeplanet, Galia, to find the last message his father sent to him before he left. Before that, he must use hit-and-run tactics to take out Peace Brigade outposts. He doesn't have his friends to help him now. Rated PG-13 for violence. The author is Yaeb Ginn, so check it out!
Kat: Yaeb Ginn sounds soooo hot! *sighs dreamily*
Kit: *smacks Kat over the head* Wake up.
Kat: So, anyone who likes me, Kat, should go check out this story
Kit: Or anyone who wants Kat to just shut her mouth and work without liking every male in sight, read The Adventures Of Yaeb Ginn by yaebginn
Kat: Hey-
Kit: Alright, well, that's a wrap of this show, so tune in next time for-
Kat: WAIT!
Kit: What?
Kat: The contest winner, duh!
Kit: Okay, well, the winner of the contest is... Essie Aster!!!!!
Kat: Yes, well, she was the seventh picked, actually.
Kit: The first ones were Obi-Wan.
Kat: *shudders* Stalker creep...
Kat: So this ends our lovely show.
Kit: I'm Kit
Kat: and I'm Kat
Kit: Tune in next time for more RITS!
Kat: Hang on.
Kit: *half way out of her chair* What now? I need lemonade!
Kat: A reviewer asked if we're sure Anakin's middle name is Leonardo.
Kit: Well, are we?
Kat: I don't know. But I know who would!
Kit: yesss...
Both: AAAANA-KIIIIIIIIN!!!!
*Anakin is wheeled into the studio by the "Medics"*
Kit: Oh no. *jumps into a cardboard box*
Anakin: You yelled?
Kat: Uh, yes. We were wondering, what's your middle name?
Anakin: Francis.
Kat: Not Leonardo?
Anakin: No.
Kat: Then how come your mom called you Anakin Leonardo?
Anakin: She had issues.
Kit: *muffled from inside the box* Got that right!
Kat: So you're name is Anakin Francis Skywalker?
Anakin: Yeah. Can I go back to the Hospital now?
Kat: Umm... yeees...
Anakin: Thanks.
Kat: If you sing a song for us first.
Anakin: *eyes narrowed* Like what?
Kat: *eyes glittering maliciously*
Anakin: No
Kat: *nods*
Anakin: OH no
Kat: *nods again*
Anakin: I'm injured. I can't get out of bed. My head is killing me.
Kit: *from inside the box* To bad, I wanted to do that.
Anakin: *throws a dirty look at the box* I can't do it.
Kat: Well, you can't escape it. When you've healed, you're singing.
Kit: And dancing.
Kat: With HER.
Anakin: *trembles* Can I go now?
Kat: If you take them with you. *gestures toward Yoda and Yaddle*
Anakin: Deal.
*Han and Lando throw Yoda and Yaddle onto the bed. Luke starts to wheel them away. on the way past the box, Yoda hits it hard with his gaffi stick*
Kit: OW! *angry muttering is heard*
Yoda: For the gaffi stick, thank you, Young Skywalker
Anakin: Don't call me that.
*bed is wheeled out*
Kat: Kit, they're gone!
Kit: *jumps out of the box. rubbing head* 'Bout time. Man, is that midget gonna get it. Now, where were we? Oh, yes. I'm Kit.
Kat: And I'm Kat.
Kit: Tune in next time for more RITS!
Kat: With Essie Aster and her favourite character!
Both: BYE!
*show ends with a shot of Kit being served lemonade by her Wookiee bodyguard and Kat's bodyguard "negotiating" with a crazed Obi-Wan who somehow managed to evade capture at the entrance, while Kat hides in the box*
Kit: Hi! I'm Kit!
Kat: And I'm Kat!
Kit: And you're watching - reading - whatever... R.I.T.S.!
Kat: Really Insane Talk Show!
Kit: And, as always, before we begin, we will sing the Anakin Anthem and pledge alliegence to Anakin, although he isn't lookin' to hot right now.
[a candid shot shows Anakin unconcious in a hospital ward with his head bandaged, two black eyes, a slightly crooked nose, his right arm in a cast, his left forefinger in a splint, his lip bleeding, numerous other cuts and bruises, and a pair of crutches leaning against the bed.]
Kat: Concequences ain't priddy when you're dealing with the former Queen of Naboo, who also happens to be your wife. tsk tsk.
[They rise, sing the anthem, recite the pledge, and sit back down]
Kit: Alright, today we have a scandal. *puts fingers together manacingly* a Yoda/Yaddle scandal to be precise.
Kat: Think we should have them back, Kit? We kinda owe them credits.
Kit: Don't worry, we've got body guards.
[Two very large Wookiees in black jackets and wearing black sunglasses come out and stand behind the girls.]
Kat: Okay... Well, here's Yoda!
[a small, green, froglike creature steps out onto the stage, glaring at Kit and Kat]
Yoda: Owe me 50,000 credits, you do.
Kit: About that... well, next character... Yaddle!
Yaddle: Pay me 50,000 credits, you must. *looks threatening, helped greatly by the large man standing behind her wearing a woolen balaclava and holding a bloody scimitar*
[Both the Wookiees and the man glare at each other]
Kit: Doesn't that itch? *gestures toward the balaclava*
Man: No.
Kat: It must. It's 100% wool, right?
Man: Yes.
Kit: Is that all you can say? Yes or No?
Man: Yes. No.
Kat: Well, make up your mind already!
Man: She's making me do this. *points scimitar at Yaddle*
Yaddle: *quietly* cuz if do this, you do not, show your girlfriend that picture of you in a bikini, I will.
Man: *promptly stops talking*
Kat: Ooo, Yaddle's blackmailing people, that'll make a good show.
Yaddle: *waves hand Jedi-style* Blackmailing him, I am not.
Kit: Yes, you are
Yaddle: *waves hand a little bit more insistantly* Blackmailing him, I am not.
Kat: YES, you are! What, you think you're some kind of Jedi, waving your hand around like that?
Kit: We're freaks. Mind-tricks don't work on us.
Yaddle: *censored*
Kit: Anyway... back to reality.
Kat: What reality? We're hosting a fictional TV show with fictional characters in a fictional studio.
Kit: But good authors can make the audience believe this is all real. And if it's not real, how come THIS happened? *waves arm, which is still in a cast, under Kat's nose*
Kat: Good point. Okay. Back to reality.
Kit: At least, reality for us freak-Jedi
Kat: Of course. Yoda, Yaddle, please sit down.
*Yoda and Yaddle sit down on large, squashy armchairs, and sink down to their ears*
Both: Help, we need!
Kat: ...On second thought, maybe it would be better if you just stood.
*Man with scimitar pulls both Yoda and Yaddle up by their ears, and sets them down on the floor*
Kit: Alright. The two of you know why you're here, don't you?
Yoda: Know, we do not.
Kat: I think you do.
Yaddle: Deaf, are you? Know, we do not.
Kit: You just keep tellin' yourself that.
Yoda: *waves gaffi stick threateningly*
Kit: Oh, that reminds me. We had a reviewer who said it's a gimmer stick, not a gaffi stick. what are your thoughts on this?
Yoda: Gimmer stick, I have, but gaffi stick, this is. Present from young Skywalker, this is.
Kit: And what do you use it for?
Yoda: If really want to know, you do, more than glad to show you, I would be. *waves stick even more threateningly than the first time*
Kit: Er... that won't be necessarry
Kat: Well, as you won't admit it you know why you're here, and as the audience doesn't know, I suppose we'll have to tell you why you're here.
Yaddle: Helpful, that would be.
Kit: Okay.
Kat: In a word...
Both: SCANDAL!
*Yoda and Yaddle are blasted back from the force of the yell. They fly out the window to the left of the stage.*
Yoda: (^_^) Wheeeeee! Fly, I can!
Yaddle: *flapping her arms* (^_^) Birds, we are!
*both crash into a brick wall*
Kat: Will somebody go get them?!
*Yoda and Yaddle are brought back by a Mon Calamari lighting dude*
Yaddle: All the pretty birdies, look at!
Yoda: (@_@) *falls over*
Kit: MEDICS!
*Luke, Han, and Lando come out wearing tight white nurse's dresses, little white nurse's hats, red lipstick, fake eyelashes, pantyhose and black high-heels*
Lando: You called?
Kit: Obviously.
Luke: *hopefully* Do you need CPR?
Kit: ew, NO!
Han: Then what do you need?
Lando: Make it quick, we've got to get back to our monopoly game.
Kat: Who's winning?
Kit: Who cares?
Luke: I'm winning. I've got boardwalk and park place and all the railroads, and $10, 000!
Kit: Lovely. Now would you please do something about them? *points at Yoda and Yaddle*
Han: What's wrong with them?
Kit: Hmm, I don't know, maybe they're UNCONCIOUS?!?!
Kat: Kit. Breathe in.... breathe out...
Kit: *Imitates Darth Vader's breathing*
Kat: *joins her*
Luke: *muttering insanely* No... breathing... all around me... no escape... father... sith... hand....
Han: *whacks him with the millenium falcon*
Luke: Thanks.
Han: No problem, kid.
Kit: Quel est le problème avec vous les gens?!?! Vous êtes des médecins, vous êtes censés les rétablir!! Nous devons poursuivre avec l'émission! Êtes vous mentalement instable?!?! Êtes vous sourd?!?! Ivre?!?! Stupide plat juste?!?! Je dois à--
Kat: KIT!
Kit: Que voulez-vous? Oh... Did I start yappin' in French again?
Everyone present: YES.
Kit: whoopsies... sorry.
Luke: *pats her back* It's okay. we all lose our tempers sometimes
Kit: *gets that weird i-am-so-mad-it-is-a-struggle-not-to-just-kill-you look* Excuse me. *walks into a small room off-set and soon the sounds of screams, breaking glass, ripping paper and large objects hitting the wall reach their ears.*
Kat: Well... we should probably wait till she gets out.
Kit: I'm not coming out untill those morons are gone.
Kat: Okay guys, do something about Yoda and Yaddle, then leave.
*Yoda and Yaddle wake up, slowly*
Lando: They're up...
Han: And we're out.
Luke: Ta ta!
*the nurses leave the set*
Kat: Kit, it's safe!
Kit: *walks back out onto the set, smoothing her hair* Good. I was running out of things to break.
Kat: What exactly did you break?
Kit: Uhh... *counts on her fingers* a paper shredder, an easy-bake oven, a telescope, a xerox machine, a terrarium, a grandfather clock, a stapler gun, a lawn chair, a china tea set from the sixteenth century, a bust of Ludwig von Beethoven and a volkswagon beetle.
Kat: Oh, is THAT all. I thought you might've gone and broken something important.
Kit: NEVER.
Kat: Of course. Back to the show?
Kit: Naturally. So. Yoda. Yaddle. You consider yourselves model members of the Jedi Order?
Yoda: True, that is.
Yaddle: The best, we are.
Kat: Well, how do you think your loyal kights would feel if they knew what's going on between the two of you?
Yoda: Talking about, what are you?
Kit: Oh, I think you know the answer to that.
*Yaddle and Yoda give her a death-glare*
Kit: You just don't want to admit it.
Kat: But we know the truth.
Kit: So how long have you two been... together?
Yoda: Together, we are not
Yaddle: Really?
Yoda: Really, yes.
Yaddle: Not what you said last night, that is.
Yoda: Shut your mouth, You should.
Kit: Keep in mind that this is a PG fic. All content should be suitable for children age nine and up. Otherelse they'll figure out where I am.
Kat: Who?
Kit: You don't want to know
Kat: Alright, okay Yoda, why do you deny being involved with Yaddle?
Yoda: because not involved with her, I am!
Yaddle: *starts crying* Embarrassed by me, you are?
Kit: Hey, Kat.
Kat: Yeah?
Kit: I just thought of something.
Kat: What's that?
Kit: If there IS something going on between them, do we really want to know? I mean, the truth could end up scarring us for life.
Kat: True, but there's always a place for us at the loony bin, you know they always keep a padded room and straitjackets waiting.
Kit: Okay, well, I think we've put Yoda and Yaddle through enough hardships, the poor things.
Kat: Okay, well, now a break!
Break: Get ready for a new exciting story here on fanfiction.net! Yaeb Ginn is sent to his homeplanet, Galia, to find the last message his father sent to him before he left. Before that, he must use hit-and-run tactics to take out Peace Brigade outposts. He doesn't have his friends to help him now. Rated PG-13 for violence. The author is Yaeb Ginn, so check it out!
Kat: Yaeb Ginn sounds soooo hot! *sighs dreamily*
Kit: *smacks Kat over the head* Wake up.
Kat: So, anyone who likes me, Kat, should go check out this story
Kit: Or anyone who wants Kat to just shut her mouth and work without liking every male in sight, read The Adventures Of Yaeb Ginn by yaebginn
Kat: Hey-
Kit: Alright, well, that's a wrap of this show, so tune in next time for-
Kat: WAIT!
Kit: What?
Kat: The contest winner, duh!
Kit: Okay, well, the winner of the contest is... Essie Aster!!!!!
Kat: Yes, well, she was the seventh picked, actually.
Kit: The first ones were Obi-Wan.
Kat: *shudders* Stalker creep...
Kat: So this ends our lovely show.
Kit: I'm Kit
Kat: and I'm Kat
Kit: Tune in next time for more RITS!
Kat: Hang on.
Kit: *half way out of her chair* What now? I need lemonade!
Kat: A reviewer asked if we're sure Anakin's middle name is Leonardo.
Kit: Well, are we?
Kat: I don't know. But I know who would!
Kit: yesss...
Both: AAAANA-KIIIIIIIIN!!!!
*Anakin is wheeled into the studio by the "Medics"*
Kit: Oh no. *jumps into a cardboard box*
Anakin: You yelled?
Kat: Uh, yes. We were wondering, what's your middle name?
Anakin: Francis.
Kat: Not Leonardo?
Anakin: No.
Kat: Then how come your mom called you Anakin Leonardo?
Anakin: She had issues.
Kit: *muffled from inside the box* Got that right!
Kat: So you're name is Anakin Francis Skywalker?
Anakin: Yeah. Can I go back to the Hospital now?
Kat: Umm... yeees...
Anakin: Thanks.
Kat: If you sing a song for us first.
Anakin: *eyes narrowed* Like what?
Kat: *eyes glittering maliciously*
Anakin: No
Kat: *nods*
Anakin: OH no
Kat: *nods again*
Anakin: I'm injured. I can't get out of bed. My head is killing me.
Kit: *from inside the box* To bad, I wanted to do that.
Anakin: *throws a dirty look at the box* I can't do it.
Kat: Well, you can't escape it. When you've healed, you're singing.
Kit: And dancing.
Kat: With HER.
Anakin: *trembles* Can I go now?
Kat: If you take them with you. *gestures toward Yoda and Yaddle*
Anakin: Deal.
*Han and Lando throw Yoda and Yaddle onto the bed. Luke starts to wheel them away. on the way past the box, Yoda hits it hard with his gaffi stick*
Kit: OW! *angry muttering is heard*
Yoda: For the gaffi stick, thank you, Young Skywalker
Anakin: Don't call me that.
*bed is wheeled out*
Kat: Kit, they're gone!
Kit: *jumps out of the box. rubbing head* 'Bout time. Man, is that midget gonna get it. Now, where were we? Oh, yes. I'm Kit.
Kat: And I'm Kat.
Kit: Tune in next time for more RITS!
Kat: With Essie Aster and her favourite character!
Both: BYE!
*show ends with a shot of Kit being served lemonade by her Wookiee bodyguard and Kat's bodyguard "negotiating" with a crazed Obi-Wan who somehow managed to evade capture at the entrance, while Kat hides in the box*