Disclaimer: I tried to steal Harry Potter and co.; but the cops caught me. Apparently, according to my lawyer, I can only pretend to own them. PRETEND, key word. But you won't tell on me----will ya?

Author's Note: Here I was, expecting flames and no reviews----and I actually got a lot. Not really, but it seems like a lot to me. Thank you to my 3 reviewers---Slytherin's Snakes, summergirl63088, and mngolianporkchop----thanks for thinking it was funny and I will continue until the bloody end! (Poor James) Yeah, I upped Harry's age so he would be old enough to have teeth and say baby words and almost walk. So it's Au-ish.

~~!! Don't let people drive you crazy when it's within walking distance !!~~

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Chapter II/Day 1--------The Three Broomsticks

" I just can't help it. Do you think I'm stupid to worry of the welfare of my baby? What was I thinking, James AND Sirius ? With my baby. Oh god, Oh god! " The redheaded witch was sitting on a hotel bed thousands of miles from her house and her child. Well, ……er, her two children in a sense.

" Relax Lil. Harry's fine. But I hoped Sirius isn't. I hoped he gets struck by lightning, " she interrupted by Lily who screeched 'They would go out in a thunderstorm!!!!!!!!' "NO!!! Just the moron I love!!!! NOT YOU'RE BABY, OR YOUR OTHER BABY THAT SOMEHOW QUALIFIES AS A GROWN MAN!!!!!! THEY'RE FINE!!! IT'S VACATION, HAVE FUN!!"

" I suppose you're right. No, you are right. This is my vacation. No more baby waking up in the middle of the night, no more burnt food, no more neighbors, and no more James whining for sex all the time. I WILL HAVE FUN!!!!!! " Lily said with a crescendo.

"Gah! My eye! " Cimorene hissed and placed her thumb to her twitching eye. " Power to you and all, but you mentioned a little too much about your……I mean….you know….yeah. Married life with a kid must be hard. If Sirius and I ever get married, I'll get him fixed like the dog he is. "

"You'd get Sirius FIXED ? "Seconds ticked by as both women stared at each other imagining what Sirius would have to say about the matter of losing his manhood before they burst out laughing. It was heaven.

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It was hell.

It was three in the morning, and Harry was still awake. Apparently the tot wasn't tired the least bit and had every intention of driving what little sanity Padfoot and Prongs possessed. They tried singing, dancing, pretending to get hurt (though they stopped that when James knocked himself out) Nothing worked, and it seemed as if it couldn't get any worse. But it did.

"Padfoot? Do you……smell that? "

"Oh hell Prongs!!!! Try to leave the room before you do that!!"

"It isn't me! It's…..oh gawd, it's Harry! "

"Eep! What do we do…..do you know how to change a diaper? "

"Ha ha! Today you're in luck. Lil does it all the time. You can throw them away----simple as that! Gotta love them muggles and their queer ideas. " James disappeared for a moment and came back extremely pale.

"…..oh shit….what now? "

" I can't find them. "

"WHAT!!!!! I thought you said you saw her put them on him!? "

"..YES. I know how to put them on----but I never saw where Lily kept them!!"

"Well…ah...damn. THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!!! "

"NO, IT'S NOT. IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND DIDN'T KICK YOU ASS OUT OF THE HOUSE, YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE--------SO IT YOUR FAULT WHEN IT COMES TO YOU!!!!"

"Feh!!! Let's just try to find the things."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 60 minutes Later ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"This blows. " James sighed in defeat. They had stripped apart the whole house and found nothing they didn't already know of except a dusty unused photo album, some stationary with pink hearts, and some mismatched socks. Much to James disgust Sirius had also found some old love letters James had wrote to Lily at Hogwarts. He read them out loud in a romantic tone and cackled with glee at the embarrassing parts.

"Hey mate. Maybe if we wait-----the diaper will wipe itself clean. For all we know Lily could've enchanted them. Ya never know. "

"As retarded as that sounds it just might work. " James said as he stretched his lanky form over the couch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 10 Minutes Later ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

" I CAN'T STAND THE SMELL ANY LONGER!!!! Sirius, we will get rid of the dirty one at all costs------as the boy's godfather it is your duty to take it off and throw it away. "

"NO WAY!!! Why don't you do it? " James grimaced and continued as if he hadn't heard his friend.

"……and it is my fatherly duty to…..wipe his rump clean. "

"Yeah----I'm suddenly happy with my side of the deal. "

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"Prongs…" whimpered Sirius. The two doomed friends had just finished putting some of Jame's boxers on Harry in place of a diaper. The dirty work was over. Baby harry still showed no signs of sleep and was making gurgling noises and occasional 'Daddy' or sometimes 'Paddy'.

"Yes, Padfoot? "

"I need a drink. "

"Oh hell yes!!! " They Grabbed everything they needed for Harry and themselves in record time and evaporated to the Three Broomsticks.

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"Well, well. If it isn't the double act-----Sirius Black and James Potter. Never could separate you two, Hogwarts or no Hogwarts. " The speaker was a big woman with a pretty face.

"Rosemerta----give me some coffee with firewiskey. Enough so it fries my brains and I don't remember tonight at all " Pleaded a desperate Black.

"What brings you two here at this time? Christ----It's almost 5:00 a.m. ! Especially you James….with the baby."

" My wife left me for vacation, he won't sleep, I can't sleep, Sirius complains about his girlfriend too much, I miss Lily, I miss sex, I'm hungry, I can't take care of this child, 'cause I'm a child and give me a goddamned butterbeer. " James blabbed in one rushed sentence.

" Have a seat dear, you're delirious." Rosemerta said soothingly. "Anything for lil' Harry here? "

"Milk, give him a milk. " She sauntered away while both men fidgeted in their seats anxiously awaiting their order.

"Here ya go. Make you feel better with your first swallow. Put the milk in a bottle to go " Rosemerta handed James the bottle and his mug.

"er……could you do it? I-I've never. "

"Now, I wouldn't want to wake the poor fellow. He's sleeping. " And so he was. Drooling all over James's pants.

"Ah…..Life's a bitch" James muttered to himself and took a large gulp of his butterbeer.