The Servant of Lord Moldysnort
Chapter 19 - the Prisoner of Azkaban
Rewritten and narrated by lekka the nutta
Since the movie hasn't come out yet, I decided to have some fun with the characters that haven't appeared on screen yet. You'll have to use you're imagination, but I'm sure you'll love my version of events much better than J.K.'s. No offence or nothing. Just in case you start to wonder at any point during this fic, no, I can't spell. Thank god for spellchecker.
By the way, I don't own anything, not even myself. Kris does. As much as I would like to own certain individuals mentioned, I don't.
So you can get a better picture of my intentions of the characters imagine: Jack Sparrow as Sirius Black Obi-Wan Kenobi as Remus Lupin and Mini me as Peter Pettigrew Everyone else is who they were in the last two movies
And so after 18 chapters of Harry and his friends prancing around Hogwarts chapter 19 begins.
Sirius, Remus, Harry, Ron, Ron's rat and Hermione were all in a tree house doing god knows what when the knob of the door was twisted. It was Snake, sorry Snape.
Hermione screamed. Burst my eardrums the little cow. Black leapt to his feet. Harry jumped as though he'd received a huge electric shock. Whoever said he hadn't? He he he.
'I found this at the base of the humping willow,' came Snape's monotonous voice, as he threw the cloak aside, his foul breath infested the room, making everyone cringe. 'Thank you potty, very useful.' he was grinning in a more evil way than usual. 'Bet you're wondering how I knew you were here?' he said.
'No, not really.' began Lupin, but Snape cut him off and tied him up. Nasty bugger.
'Shut up you fool, I'm going to tell you anyway.' Everyone sighed, even though breathing was difficult because Snape's breath was filling their lungs.
'You forgot to take your mushrooms this evening, Lupin, so as I was prancing into your office (hoping to rape you to fulfil my schoolboy dreams) and you weren't there. So I snooped into your drawer and found your little map. Very handy.' Oh fuck the next page it's boring as all hell. Snape magically fell unconscious (Damnit! he had Remus all tied up and ready for . children are reading this.) Sucker!
'That's interesting,' said Black, watching blood ooze from the hole in Snape's big fat ugly head, as he released Remus from his bondage.
'We attacked a teacher!' squealed Hermione, prancing around excitedly. 'we're gonna get into soOoOoOoOoOoOo much shit for this.' Why she was happy about this is unknown to all except her and maybe God, but I'm not sure if even he knows.
'Thank you Harry,' said Remus. 'The force is strong with you.' Everyone looked at him funny.
'I still think you to are a pack of dirty rotten liars,' said Harry, like he had a broom up his arse. Probably did.
'Right,' said Sirius, as he reached into his robes and pulled out a newspaper clipping.
'I didn't know you collected,' said Remus, haphazardly. Sirius looked at him like I look at my little sister whenever she opens her mouth, you know, the oh-my-god-shut-up-you-stupid-little-piece-of-shit look. Muttering something like fuckwit under his breath, Sirius unfolded the paper.
'OoOoOoHhHh,' squealed Hermione, delighted. 'A crossword!'
'Now,' said Sirius, ignoring Hermione, 'if you'll look at the rat in this picture, you'll notice he has a toe.missing. When I went to kill the bastard for what he did to Lily.and James, he bit off his finger, blew the bejesus out of the street and transformed into a rat and ran off, framing me for the death of my best mate and his wife. (Pity, I was so close to getting her in the sack.) This,' he said shoving the picture under everyone's noses, 'is how I knew he was at Hogwarts.' Everyone put two and two together to realise the answer was four. Sirius was telling the truth. Gasp.
'Yes,' said Lupin, absently looking towards Ron's rat, 'Master Yoda always knew he was on the dark side.' More funny looks.
'How did you get out of Azkaban?' asked Harry.
'Okay,' said Sirius. 'I stayed there starving for three weeks and got very bored. So I got into the water for three days and nights until all of the sea creatures became used to me being there. One the fourth morning I roped together a couple of sea turtles and made a raft.'
'What did you use for rope?' asked Harry.
'Human hair,' replied Sirius. After a pause: 'From my back.'
'That still doesn't explain how you got past the guards,' said Hermione.
'Oh,' said Sirius, 'that was easy.'
'If it was so easy how come everyone can't do it?' asked Remus.
'I turned into a dog.' Answered Sirius.
'Oh,' said everyone.
'May the force be with you,' commented Remus . 'Gimme the rat.' Commanded Sirius. Ron reluctantly made his first appearance in the chapter by handing over the quivering lump of fur that was Scabbers.
'So,' said Sirius, facing the rat, 'we're gonna do a little spell to make ya turn into a person, savvy?' The rat cowered. POOF! Peter appeared.
'Crickey!' exclaimed Ron. 'I slept in the same bed as that fugly git!'
'You POOF!' yelled someone randomly.
'Tell us what happened on the night of the 31st of October in some random year which is never mentioned or else I'll hurt you very badly,' said Sirius, all in one breath.
They all looked at Peter, waiting for him to start his story. There was a pregnant pause. Nothing happened. Peter started sweating. It smelt funky. After a few minutes ticked by, Peter began to use a rather crude form of sign language. Everyone stared blankly.
'A touching story,' said Sirius. 'He's guilty.' He turned to Peter. 'Now I'm going to have to kill you.' Peter began to cower and mimed licking boots.
'Do you know what I've stepped in?' asked Sirius, raising his wand.
'Listen,' said Harry, close to tears. 'I know he's a little shit but you can't kill him.' He sniffed for dramatic effect. 'Dad wouldn't have wanted you to.'
'Fine,' said Sirius, rolling his eyes, wondering why he'd bothered to be Harry's godfather. They tied Peter up and were just escorting him out of the tree house when the chapter ended.
My hand is sore. Because I'm lazy, I'm not gonna write anymore chapters
Since the movie hasn't come out yet, I decided to have some fun with the characters that haven't appeared on screen yet. You'll have to use you're imagination, but I'm sure you'll love my version of events much better than J.K.'s. No offence or nothing. Just in case you start to wonder at any point during this fic, no, I can't spell. Thank god for spellchecker.
By the way, I don't own anything, not even myself. Kris does. As much as I would like to own certain individuals mentioned, I don't.
So you can get a better picture of my intentions of the characters imagine: Jack Sparrow as Sirius Black Obi-Wan Kenobi as Remus Lupin and Mini me as Peter Pettigrew Everyone else is who they were in the last two movies
And so after 18 chapters of Harry and his friends prancing around Hogwarts chapter 19 begins.
Sirius, Remus, Harry, Ron, Ron's rat and Hermione were all in a tree house doing god knows what when the knob of the door was twisted. It was Snake, sorry Snape.
Hermione screamed. Burst my eardrums the little cow. Black leapt to his feet. Harry jumped as though he'd received a huge electric shock. Whoever said he hadn't? He he he.
'I found this at the base of the humping willow,' came Snape's monotonous voice, as he threw the cloak aside, his foul breath infested the room, making everyone cringe. 'Thank you potty, very useful.' he was grinning in a more evil way than usual. 'Bet you're wondering how I knew you were here?' he said.
'No, not really.' began Lupin, but Snape cut him off and tied him up. Nasty bugger.
'Shut up you fool, I'm going to tell you anyway.' Everyone sighed, even though breathing was difficult because Snape's breath was filling their lungs.
'You forgot to take your mushrooms this evening, Lupin, so as I was prancing into your office (hoping to rape you to fulfil my schoolboy dreams) and you weren't there. So I snooped into your drawer and found your little map. Very handy.' Oh fuck the next page it's boring as all hell. Snape magically fell unconscious (Damnit! he had Remus all tied up and ready for . children are reading this.) Sucker!
'That's interesting,' said Black, watching blood ooze from the hole in Snape's big fat ugly head, as he released Remus from his bondage.
'We attacked a teacher!' squealed Hermione, prancing around excitedly. 'we're gonna get into soOoOoOoOoOoOo much shit for this.' Why she was happy about this is unknown to all except her and maybe God, but I'm not sure if even he knows.
'Thank you Harry,' said Remus. 'The force is strong with you.' Everyone looked at him funny.
'I still think you to are a pack of dirty rotten liars,' said Harry, like he had a broom up his arse. Probably did.
'Right,' said Sirius, as he reached into his robes and pulled out a newspaper clipping.
'I didn't know you collected,' said Remus, haphazardly. Sirius looked at him like I look at my little sister whenever she opens her mouth, you know, the oh-my-god-shut-up-you-stupid-little-piece-of-shit look. Muttering something like fuckwit under his breath, Sirius unfolded the paper.
'OoOoOoHhHh,' squealed Hermione, delighted. 'A crossword!'
'Now,' said Sirius, ignoring Hermione, 'if you'll look at the rat in this picture, you'll notice he has a toe.missing. When I went to kill the bastard for what he did to Lily.and James, he bit off his finger, blew the bejesus out of the street and transformed into a rat and ran off, framing me for the death of my best mate and his wife. (Pity, I was so close to getting her in the sack.) This,' he said shoving the picture under everyone's noses, 'is how I knew he was at Hogwarts.' Everyone put two and two together to realise the answer was four. Sirius was telling the truth. Gasp.
'Yes,' said Lupin, absently looking towards Ron's rat, 'Master Yoda always knew he was on the dark side.' More funny looks.
'How did you get out of Azkaban?' asked Harry.
'Okay,' said Sirius. 'I stayed there starving for three weeks and got very bored. So I got into the water for three days and nights until all of the sea creatures became used to me being there. One the fourth morning I roped together a couple of sea turtles and made a raft.'
'What did you use for rope?' asked Harry.
'Human hair,' replied Sirius. After a pause: 'From my back.'
'That still doesn't explain how you got past the guards,' said Hermione.
'Oh,' said Sirius, 'that was easy.'
'If it was so easy how come everyone can't do it?' asked Remus.
'I turned into a dog.' Answered Sirius.
'Oh,' said everyone.
'May the force be with you,' commented Remus . 'Gimme the rat.' Commanded Sirius. Ron reluctantly made his first appearance in the chapter by handing over the quivering lump of fur that was Scabbers.
'So,' said Sirius, facing the rat, 'we're gonna do a little spell to make ya turn into a person, savvy?' The rat cowered. POOF! Peter appeared.
'Crickey!' exclaimed Ron. 'I slept in the same bed as that fugly git!'
'You POOF!' yelled someone randomly.
'Tell us what happened on the night of the 31st of October in some random year which is never mentioned or else I'll hurt you very badly,' said Sirius, all in one breath.
They all looked at Peter, waiting for him to start his story. There was a pregnant pause. Nothing happened. Peter started sweating. It smelt funky. After a few minutes ticked by, Peter began to use a rather crude form of sign language. Everyone stared blankly.
'A touching story,' said Sirius. 'He's guilty.' He turned to Peter. 'Now I'm going to have to kill you.' Peter began to cower and mimed licking boots.
'Do you know what I've stepped in?' asked Sirius, raising his wand.
'Listen,' said Harry, close to tears. 'I know he's a little shit but you can't kill him.' He sniffed for dramatic effect. 'Dad wouldn't have wanted you to.'
'Fine,' said Sirius, rolling his eyes, wondering why he'd bothered to be Harry's godfather. They tied Peter up and were just escorting him out of the tree house when the chapter ended.
My hand is sore. Because I'm lazy, I'm not gonna write anymore chapters