The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Rewrite - Chapter 8
"Kakariko Village: Crazier than L.A. and littered with chickens"
On the last EXCITING episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite, Link and Zelda decided the two of them alone could protect Hyrule from the ugly guy ... I mean, Ganon... specifically by hanging on to the items it takes to get to the Triforce, which is like the Christian cross, only the Triforce grants the wish of any who touches it. And no one died on it. And there are three triangles instead of two boards nailed to eachother. Actually, it's not much like the cross at all. Anyway, They're going to stop Ganon from getting the Triforce by getting to it first, and all they need is two more spiritual stones, and Link has set off to Kakariko Village to ask the king of the entire Goron race (a complete stranger), for his most precious posession... godspeed, Link. Godspeed.
Link: (munching and chewing on food in a restaurant) Mmm, this omelet IS good! I'll have to thank Impa the next time I see her. HEY, WAITER GUYS! MORE OMELETS OVER HERE!
Waiter: Right away, sir.
Navi: (sits on the edge of the table and sighs) I wish I could have some.
Link: Mmmmmm MMM! This SOOOOOOO GOOD! I mean, it's really REALLY
REALLY good!
Navi: Shut up.
Hours later...
Link: (sitting in front of about ten or twelve plates that have been eaten off of) Ugh... I can't eat anymore...
Navi: Okay, let's just go and figure out how to get to Death Mountain.
Link: Alright, we'll ask whoever lives here. (reaches for the doorknob)
Navi: What do you think you're doing!?
Link: I'm going inside to ask people how to get to the top of Death Mountain.
Navi: Link, this is someone's HOUSE. You can't just walk in and ask them questions! How would you feel if some stranger wearing weird clothes and brandishing and sword and a shield just waltzed into your house without even knocking?
Link: Well, I'd probably offer him a drink and ask him what he wants. (walks in)
Navi: No! (follows him inside)
Link: (already sitting down having tea with the lady who lives there) So all I have to do is take the road to the left us this house all the way up until I get to Death Mountain?
Navi: ...
Lady: (sip sip) Oh no, dearie. Death Mountain is dangerous, and is restricted to Royal Family members only, you cute little thing you.
Link: Ha! I won't have to worry about that. (stands up defiantly and points to himself) I'm the Hero of Time!
Lady: Of course you are, dearie. Cookie?
Link: (takes one off the plate) Thanks! Bye! (runs out)
Lady: Toodles, dear! Be careful with that sword; it looks dangerous!
Link: (slams the door)
Lady: What a nice young man.
Link: (outside) Well, we'll go up this-
Chicken Lady: (pops out of nowhere directly in front of Link, stopping him in his tracks) Oh no! I lost all my chickens!
Link: (whispering to Navi) That's not all she's lost...
Navi: (nods)
Chicken Lady: I lost all my chickens, but I don't want to look for them... (grabs Link violently by the shirt) YOU FIND MY CHICKENS!!! FIND MY CHICKENS OR GO TO HELL!!
Link: Okay, okay! We'll find your stinking chickens! Sheesh!
Chicken Lady: (instantly resuming her sweet gentle nature) Thank you.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Gerudo Desert...
Ganon: (lying on a couch) I mean, I don't TRY to be evil... just look at things from my point of view... I grew up in a family with 14 sisters, and my dad was almost sixty years old. I had to always fight to get my way, and it didn't help that all my sisters were skilled thieves! Any money I made, they would steal, and... and... (begins to cry)
Psychiatrist: There, there, Mr. Ganondorf... (offering him a tissue)
Ganon: (blows nose, trumpeting loudly) Can't I have things my way for once in my life!? All I want is the three spiritual stones and the Ocarina of Time so I can get the Triforce and rule Hyrule forever! (sniff sniff)
Psychiatrist: I understand where you're coming from, Ganondorf, and what you're trying to say, but maybe you should try a different approach. Instead of causing all these problems for people, maybe you could help them out, and after getting on their good side-
Ganon: (finishing his sentence) I could kill them all off and take it from them!
Psychiatrist: Well, no... I meant you could politely ask for the stone.
Ganon: (suddenly becoming very angry)
Psychiatrist: Umm... I mean... your idea is good, Mr. Ganondorf sir, but... it just doesn't seem to be working.
Ganon: (snaps his fingers, and four armed guards come in and begin to drag the psychiatrist away)
Psychiatrist: YOUR NEFARIOUS SCHEME WILL NEVER SUCCEED! THE LEGENDARY HERO OF TIME WILL STOP Y-
Several shots are heard, and the Psychiatrist speaks no more.
Ganon: That's exactly what Dr. Breen said.
Back in Kakariko Village...
Link: (tired and sweaty, he gathers up his last bit of energy and tosses the uncooperative chicken into the coop) There... that's... the last one...
Chicken Lady: Oh, thank you! You found my chickens!
Link: Why couldn't you have.. (gasp pant) just found them yourself?
Chicken Lady: Oh, I was too lazy.
Link: ...
Chicken Lady: Besides that, I wouldn't have been able to give you this wonderful reward!
Link: (perks up) Oh yeah! Jackpot!
Chicken Lady: Let's see here... (rummaging through a coin purse)... ah, here it is. (puts a single rupee in his hand)
Link: (looks down at the rupee, and back at the lady)
Chicken Lady: (smiling) Thank you.
Link: Chicken lady, that's really nice, but I'd like a little bit more.
Chicken Lady: Well I'm sorry, honey, but that's all your getting. (smiles)
Link: What's that? You say you want to be disembowled? (beginning to unsheath sword)
Chicken Lady: Um... no, I said you aren't getting a better reward...
Link: (unsheathing it more) Gee lady, it sure sounded like you said you wanted to die today. I'd be much abliged to help you... (takes the sword out of the scabbard, resulting in a pleasant *SHING*, and the sunlight reflects off the shiny surface as Link turns it around)
Chicken Lady: (sweating profusely) Oh, what was I thinking? Here, you can have this. It's made out of fine glass. (carefully puts a bottle in Link's hands) There! Just keep it! Keep it, and leave me alone!
Link: (sheathing his sword again) Oh, you said you wanted to give me a better reward for my troubles! I'm sorry, I'm kind of hard-of-hearing. Thank you. (walks off)
Navi: Haha! You sure showed that crazy chicken lady!
Link: Yes. Yes I did.
At the entrance to Death Mountain...
Link: Hey Guard guy, can I get through?
Guard: No sir, you must be a member of the Royal Family to get through.
Link: (suavely takes out a piece of paper) Will, uh... ehehe... will THIS work? (smiles confidently)
Guard: This is a receipt for one can of "Fairy-off" fairy killer.
Navi: (glaring at Link)
Link: .........................(quickly grabs it from his hand and replaces it with Zelda's Letter) What are you talking about?! It's obviously a letter from Princess Zelda, telling all to let me do whatever I want, or you're fish food. I would never buy any fairy-killing substance. (winks at Guard)
Guard: (rubs his fingers together like waiters do when they want a tip)
Link: (glares at him, and quickly slips him 10 rupees)
Guard: (smiles and pockets them) Oh yes, my mistake. It was a letter from Princess Zelda after all. It says, "This is Link... he is under my orders to save Hyrule. He's also a big stupid idiot who can't fight fair and screams like a girl, and wishes he was me so he could boss people around."
Link: Hey! It doesn't say that!
Guard: See for yourself. (hands it back to him)
Link: (reading quietly) ......Oooh, that Zelda! I'll get her! (crumples up the letter)
Guard: Well, an order is an order. Go on ahead, Mr. Hero. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Link: (cursing the guard under his breath, he walks through the gate)
Guard: Hey, Mr. Hero, wait a second!
Link: Grr... what do you want now?
Guard: If you go up the mountain with that shield you won't survive for a second. If you go back to Hyrule Castle Town, you can go to the Bazaar; they have the shield you need.
Link: Okay. (walks back down the hill)
Guard: Hey, wait, I have something else to tell you.
Link: (sighs, and walks back) What?
Guard: You know the Happy Mask Shop? They just opened. They let you borrow masks, sell them, and you can bring back the money for however much it costs. They have this one mask call the Keaton Mask, and I really-... I mean, my SON really wants it... yeah. My son.
Link: Well, you were a real jerk. I don't think I'm going to get it for you.
Guard: Please! I have to stand here all my life; I don't have a choice! Think of my son... (snicker snicker)
Link: Well... okay. But only because you warned me about the shield thing. (starts back down the hill)
Guard: I probably should have told him he can find a free shield in the graveyard, but... feh. Oh well.
Half a week later, Link comes back with a Hylian Shield on his back, and the Keaton Mask.
Guard: Hehehe, looks like the shield's a little big for you, Mr. Hero.
Link: Shut up. Do you want your mask or not?
Guard: Oooh ooh, yes! The Keaton Mask! That's the one! My, uh... SON will be very happy.
Link: Right. Well, see ya. (walks up the mountain)
Guard: (waits until he's out of sight, then puts the Mask on himself and giggles)
Link is on the next leg of his journey: Getting the Spiritual Stone of Fire. However, he has to climb... *gasp* DEATH MOUNTAIN first! (bum bum bum). What horrors await him on top of this mortal mountain (get it? MORTAL mountain!)? Find out next time, on the next exciting episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite!
"Kakariko Village: Crazier than L.A. and littered with chickens"
On the last EXCITING episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite, Link and Zelda decided the two of them alone could protect Hyrule from the ugly guy ... I mean, Ganon... specifically by hanging on to the items it takes to get to the Triforce, which is like the Christian cross, only the Triforce grants the wish of any who touches it. And no one died on it. And there are three triangles instead of two boards nailed to eachother. Actually, it's not much like the cross at all. Anyway, They're going to stop Ganon from getting the Triforce by getting to it first, and all they need is two more spiritual stones, and Link has set off to Kakariko Village to ask the king of the entire Goron race (a complete stranger), for his most precious posession... godspeed, Link. Godspeed.
Link: (munching and chewing on food in a restaurant) Mmm, this omelet IS good! I'll have to thank Impa the next time I see her. HEY, WAITER GUYS! MORE OMELETS OVER HERE!
Waiter: Right away, sir.
Navi: (sits on the edge of the table and sighs) I wish I could have some.
Link: Mmmmmm MMM! This SOOOOOOO GOOD! I mean, it's really REALLY
REALLY good!
Navi: Shut up.
Hours later...
Link: (sitting in front of about ten or twelve plates that have been eaten off of) Ugh... I can't eat anymore...
Navi: Okay, let's just go and figure out how to get to Death Mountain.
Link: Alright, we'll ask whoever lives here. (reaches for the doorknob)
Navi: What do you think you're doing!?
Link: I'm going inside to ask people how to get to the top of Death Mountain.
Navi: Link, this is someone's HOUSE. You can't just walk in and ask them questions! How would you feel if some stranger wearing weird clothes and brandishing and sword and a shield just waltzed into your house without even knocking?
Link: Well, I'd probably offer him a drink and ask him what he wants. (walks in)
Navi: No! (follows him inside)
Link: (already sitting down having tea with the lady who lives there) So all I have to do is take the road to the left us this house all the way up until I get to Death Mountain?
Navi: ...
Lady: (sip sip) Oh no, dearie. Death Mountain is dangerous, and is restricted to Royal Family members only, you cute little thing you.
Link: Ha! I won't have to worry about that. (stands up defiantly and points to himself) I'm the Hero of Time!
Lady: Of course you are, dearie. Cookie?
Link: (takes one off the plate) Thanks! Bye! (runs out)
Lady: Toodles, dear! Be careful with that sword; it looks dangerous!
Link: (slams the door)
Lady: What a nice young man.
Link: (outside) Well, we'll go up this-
Chicken Lady: (pops out of nowhere directly in front of Link, stopping him in his tracks) Oh no! I lost all my chickens!
Link: (whispering to Navi) That's not all she's lost...
Navi: (nods)
Chicken Lady: I lost all my chickens, but I don't want to look for them... (grabs Link violently by the shirt) YOU FIND MY CHICKENS!!! FIND MY CHICKENS OR GO TO HELL!!
Link: Okay, okay! We'll find your stinking chickens! Sheesh!
Chicken Lady: (instantly resuming her sweet gentle nature) Thank you.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Gerudo Desert...
Ganon: (lying on a couch) I mean, I don't TRY to be evil... just look at things from my point of view... I grew up in a family with 14 sisters, and my dad was almost sixty years old. I had to always fight to get my way, and it didn't help that all my sisters were skilled thieves! Any money I made, they would steal, and... and... (begins to cry)
Psychiatrist: There, there, Mr. Ganondorf... (offering him a tissue)
Ganon: (blows nose, trumpeting loudly) Can't I have things my way for once in my life!? All I want is the three spiritual stones and the Ocarina of Time so I can get the Triforce and rule Hyrule forever! (sniff sniff)
Psychiatrist: I understand where you're coming from, Ganondorf, and what you're trying to say, but maybe you should try a different approach. Instead of causing all these problems for people, maybe you could help them out, and after getting on their good side-
Ganon: (finishing his sentence) I could kill them all off and take it from them!
Psychiatrist: Well, no... I meant you could politely ask for the stone.
Ganon: (suddenly becoming very angry)
Psychiatrist: Umm... I mean... your idea is good, Mr. Ganondorf sir, but... it just doesn't seem to be working.
Ganon: (snaps his fingers, and four armed guards come in and begin to drag the psychiatrist away)
Psychiatrist: YOUR NEFARIOUS SCHEME WILL NEVER SUCCEED! THE LEGENDARY HERO OF TIME WILL STOP Y-
Several shots are heard, and the Psychiatrist speaks no more.
Ganon: That's exactly what Dr. Breen said.
Back in Kakariko Village...
Link: (tired and sweaty, he gathers up his last bit of energy and tosses the uncooperative chicken into the coop) There... that's... the last one...
Chicken Lady: Oh, thank you! You found my chickens!
Link: Why couldn't you have.. (gasp pant) just found them yourself?
Chicken Lady: Oh, I was too lazy.
Link: ...
Chicken Lady: Besides that, I wouldn't have been able to give you this wonderful reward!
Link: (perks up) Oh yeah! Jackpot!
Chicken Lady: Let's see here... (rummaging through a coin purse)... ah, here it is. (puts a single rupee in his hand)
Link: (looks down at the rupee, and back at the lady)
Chicken Lady: (smiling) Thank you.
Link: Chicken lady, that's really nice, but I'd like a little bit more.
Chicken Lady: Well I'm sorry, honey, but that's all your getting. (smiles)
Link: What's that? You say you want to be disembowled? (beginning to unsheath sword)
Chicken Lady: Um... no, I said you aren't getting a better reward...
Link: (unsheathing it more) Gee lady, it sure sounded like you said you wanted to die today. I'd be much abliged to help you... (takes the sword out of the scabbard, resulting in a pleasant *SHING*, and the sunlight reflects off the shiny surface as Link turns it around)
Chicken Lady: (sweating profusely) Oh, what was I thinking? Here, you can have this. It's made out of fine glass. (carefully puts a bottle in Link's hands) There! Just keep it! Keep it, and leave me alone!
Link: (sheathing his sword again) Oh, you said you wanted to give me a better reward for my troubles! I'm sorry, I'm kind of hard-of-hearing. Thank you. (walks off)
Navi: Haha! You sure showed that crazy chicken lady!
Link: Yes. Yes I did.
At the entrance to Death Mountain...
Link: Hey Guard guy, can I get through?
Guard: No sir, you must be a member of the Royal Family to get through.
Link: (suavely takes out a piece of paper) Will, uh... ehehe... will THIS work? (smiles confidently)
Guard: This is a receipt for one can of "Fairy-off" fairy killer.
Navi: (glaring at Link)
Link: .........................(quickly grabs it from his hand and replaces it with Zelda's Letter) What are you talking about?! It's obviously a letter from Princess Zelda, telling all to let me do whatever I want, or you're fish food. I would never buy any fairy-killing substance. (winks at Guard)
Guard: (rubs his fingers together like waiters do when they want a tip)
Link: (glares at him, and quickly slips him 10 rupees)
Guard: (smiles and pockets them) Oh yes, my mistake. It was a letter from Princess Zelda after all. It says, "This is Link... he is under my orders to save Hyrule. He's also a big stupid idiot who can't fight fair and screams like a girl, and wishes he was me so he could boss people around."
Link: Hey! It doesn't say that!
Guard: See for yourself. (hands it back to him)
Link: (reading quietly) ......Oooh, that Zelda! I'll get her! (crumples up the letter)
Guard: Well, an order is an order. Go on ahead, Mr. Hero. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Link: (cursing the guard under his breath, he walks through the gate)
Guard: Hey, Mr. Hero, wait a second!
Link: Grr... what do you want now?
Guard: If you go up the mountain with that shield you won't survive for a second. If you go back to Hyrule Castle Town, you can go to the Bazaar; they have the shield you need.
Link: Okay. (walks back down the hill)
Guard: Hey, wait, I have something else to tell you.
Link: (sighs, and walks back) What?
Guard: You know the Happy Mask Shop? They just opened. They let you borrow masks, sell them, and you can bring back the money for however much it costs. They have this one mask call the Keaton Mask, and I really-... I mean, my SON really wants it... yeah. My son.
Link: Well, you were a real jerk. I don't think I'm going to get it for you.
Guard: Please! I have to stand here all my life; I don't have a choice! Think of my son... (snicker snicker)
Link: Well... okay. But only because you warned me about the shield thing. (starts back down the hill)
Guard: I probably should have told him he can find a free shield in the graveyard, but... feh. Oh well.
Half a week later, Link comes back with a Hylian Shield on his back, and the Keaton Mask.
Guard: Hehehe, looks like the shield's a little big for you, Mr. Hero.
Link: Shut up. Do you want your mask or not?
Guard: Oooh ooh, yes! The Keaton Mask! That's the one! My, uh... SON will be very happy.
Link: Right. Well, see ya. (walks up the mountain)
Guard: (waits until he's out of sight, then puts the Mask on himself and giggles)
Link is on the next leg of his journey: Getting the Spiritual Stone of Fire. However, he has to climb... *gasp* DEATH MOUNTAIN first! (bum bum bum). What horrors await him on top of this mortal mountain (get it? MORTAL mountain!)? Find out next time, on the next exciting episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite!