The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Rewrite – Chapter 10
"Should they really explode like that?"
On the last UNBEARABLY
EXCITING episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite, Link met the rocks Gorons,
who were actually pretty nice once you go to know them. Well, all but that one that exploded in the
hellish fire and all. He was kinda
creepy. And when Link first met
Darunia. He was mean too… but you get
my point. Nice = not evil, right? Well, except for that one that…
nevermind. Forget it. Let's just start the episode before I top
myself again.
Link: (walks into Dodongo's Cavern) What the heck!?
Navi: What?
Two Dinofols are at a card
table set up in the middle of the room.
Dinofol #1: Got any fives?
Dinofol #2: Nope. Go fish.
Dinofol #1: Drat. (draws a card) Hey, I got one!
Dinofol #2: Cheater.
Navi: …
Link: HEY! We're supposed to get rid of the dodongos! We can't do that with you guys playing CARDS! Get out! Out, all of you! (cuts the table in half with his sword)
Dinofol #1: Hey!
Link: Get out of here, or I'm gonna do to you what I did to this table!
Dinofol #2: Okay, but mark my words, you'll pay for this! (hops out)
Dinofol #1: Yeah! And we're going to bill you for that table! (hops out as well)
Link: (proudly sheathes his sword) Heh heh heh. I sure showed them.
Navi: (rolls her eyes) Yeah. You really showed 'em, Link.
Link: Hah! It's probably 'cause of that great line. "I'll do to you what I did to this table!" I'm so cool.
Navi: Let's just hurry up and get rid of the dodongos, okay?
They walk through into the main
room.
Link: Hey, look!
Navi: What?
Link: That eye thing! Maybe it'll tell us stuff in a weird language, like in Star Wars.
Navi: Um… I really don't suggest it, Link.
Link: Nonsense. He looks nice enough. (walks up to the eye thing and clears throat) Hello?
Eye thing: (turns around and stares at him)
Link: Can you tell me where the dodongos are?
Eye thing: (blinks)
Link: Cuz, you see, we need to kill them in order to-
Eye thing: (shoots Link in the butt with a laser)
Link: OW! (runs off)
Navi: I hate to say I told you so, but…
Link: (rubbing his smoking butt) Oh, quiet. You're always getting me into trouble.
Link and Navi: (walk into a large room, and the door closes and locks behind them)
Link: Well this can't be good.
Dinofol #1 and 2: (appear out of nowhere holding swords)
Link: Augh!
Dinofol #1: Hahaha! We told you we'd get you back! You destroyed our Go Fish game, and now you will pay!
Dinofol #2: Yeah! And I was winning too!
Dinofol #1: (turns to #2) No you weren't. I had three books and you only had two.
Dinofol #2: No, I had four books.
Dinofol #1: That's because YOU have the crazy notion that two cards count as a book!
Dinofol #2: That's the way the game works! Only two cards are needed for a book!
Dinofol #1: Four!
Dinofol #2: Two!
Both Dinofols: (stab each other with their swords at the exact same time, then fall over and evaporate into nothing)
Link and Navi: …
Link: Boy, that sure was weird. Those two just killed each other, out of the blue.
Navi: I know. And over such a trivial thing as a card game, too. They aren't very mature.
Link: Yeah. Besides, that one guy with two books was winning anyway.
Navi: No he wasn't. He only had three. The other guy had four.
Link: But four cards counts as a book!
Navi: No it doesn't! The rules clearly state that TWO CARDS count as a book!
Link: FOUR!
Navi: TWO!
Link: WHATEVER! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! IT'S JUST A STUPID CARD GAME ANYWAY! LET'S GO! (marches off angrily)
Navi: Yes, LETS! (follows him)
Link: (suddenly stops in his tracks)
Navi: What now, too weak to walk?! …Oh.
Several large iguana-like lizards are roaming the premises, doing apparently nothing but walking in circles and stopping every few minutes.
Link: …I take it that's a dodongo.
Navi: …Yes. It is.
Link: …
Navi: …
Link: …So!? You think I'm going to just go barging in there without knowing how to beat them? Tell me how to kill them!
Navi: Geez, you sure are cranky! You have to… (remembers their argument before, and smiles) You have to hit them in the face. Several times.
Link: Slice their face up, eh? Hehehe. Gotcha. (runs into the next room)
Navi: …Sucker. (cackles evilly)
Several screams of pain are heard from the next room, along with sounds of fire and wails of the Dodongo.
Link: (walks back into the room, completely charred to a crisp)
Navi: (bursts into laughter) Ahhhh hahahahaha! Look at you! You look like a charcoal briquette! Hahahahaha!
Link: Har har. Tell me how to kill them or I'll tie you to a bomb.
Navi: Geez, you're as cranky as ever! Fine. You have to hit their TAILS, while avoiding their fire-breath.
Link: Well, sure, you tell me that NOW.
Navi: Oh, stop complaining. You whine about everything.
Link and Navi: (walk into a room)
The door closes and locks behind them.
Link: (sighs) Not AGAIN…
Dinofol #1: We might have let you off easy the last time, but this time you will die!
Dinofol #2: Yeah! And we figured out the game was a draw, since you walked in and destroyed it!
Dinofol #1: Yeah! (laughs) We're not going to kill each other AGAIN, right?
Dinofol #2: Hahaha! Yeah… (glares at #1)
Dinofol #1: (glares at #2)
Dinofol #2: (snaps out of the evil glaring) …So! We're going to kill you!
Link: (takes out his sword and shield and readies himself)
They stare at each other, each waiting for the other to attack. As Link is about to strike…
Mario: (appears out of nowhere)
Link: !?
Dinofol #1: What?! Who are you?
Mario: It'sa me, Mario!
Navi: Um… why is HE here?
Dinofol #2: This is a private affair! Stay out of this!
Mario: Here we go! (jumps high into the air, landing on #2's head, killing him instantly)
Dinofol #1: No! My best friend! I will kill you! (swings his sword at Mario)
Mario: (catches the sword with a single hand)
Dinofol #1: (gasps)
Mario: (uses his other hand and slowly turns the sword around in the Dinofol's hand, and stabs him with it)
Dinofol #1: Curse… you… Mario… (dies)
Mario: Okey-dokey! (puts on an Invisible hat, becomes invisible, and walks through the wall)
Link: …
Ganondorf: Analyze the situation… position yourself… ready your mind… then ATTACK! (swings)
The golf ball goes flying deep into Hylian Field.
Ganondorf: (wearing a golf hat, golf pants, a golf
vest, golf shoes, and a glove on one hand) That was a nice one! Right on
the green! (walks in the direction the
ball went)
Caddy: Yes, sir, it was. (follows him) However, I
have some news for you…
Ganondorf: Yes?
Caddy: It appears, sir, that the Deku Tree no
longer has the Spiritual Stone of the Forest.
Ganondorf: Oh? Is it in the mail?
Caddy: No sir, he's kind of… dead.
Ganondorf: Oh. Good. So he sent it with UPS,
then?
Caddy: No… he gave it to someone else.
Ganondorf: WHAT!? (swings, and ball goes soaring out of
the valley)
In Kakariko Village…
Random Man: (gets hit in the head with the ball and
falls unconscious)
Back in Dodongo's Cavern…
Link: Well that boss was sure easy. (dusting
himself off)
Navi: Yeah! That was AWESOME Link! You really
showed that chump!
Link: Yeah, I was kinda worried when he swallowed
me, but… well, we all know how that turned
out. (cracks knuckles out in front of
him, then walks into the blue portal)
What the heck?! We didn't even get to see him fight the boss! In fact, he didn't fight ANYTHING in this ENTIRE EPISODE! This was supposed to be EXCITING! Where has the integrity of this rewrite gone?! Oh well. So Link has defeated the Dodongos, saving the entire Goron race from
starvation. What will happen next? Find out (as if you don't know already), on
the next exciting mind-numbingly boring episode of Ocarina of Time
Rewrite!