The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Rewrite: Chapter 11
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On
the last episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite, Link and Navi conquered Dodongo's
Cavern and mysteriously defeated the King Dodongo. They also got involved in some card game, or something. I don't know, I forgot. They did something like that. Well, on the next episode.
Link: (slowly floats down to the ground from the blue beam) I think that's my favorite part of defeating the temple.
Navi: Riding the blue teleporter beam thing?
Link: Yeah. What is that, anyway? And how does it know when to appear? It's almost as if some TEAM OF DEVELOPERS sort of programmed the beam to come when we defeated the boss.
Navi: Woah… creepy.
Link: Yeah. I also had this other theory on—
Darunia: (falls from the sky for no clearly discernable reason)
Link: AUGH!
Darunia: (gets up) Well done, kid! You defeated the Dodongos! Let's be brothers now!
Link: Why?
Darunia: Don't ask stupid questions. We're just brothers now, got it!?
Link: I don't know if I want to be your brother.
Darunia: Why not? I'm a GREAT brother!
Link: Well, you promised me the Sacred Stone of Fire, and you didn't give it to me.
Darunia: You didn't kill all the dodongos.
Link: Yes I did! It's not my fault that they mysteriously return whenever you leave the room!
Darunia: (folds arms) A deal's a deal. No spiritual stone.
Link: (looks innocent) …Okay. You're right, Darunia. I didn't kill all the dodongos like I said. I'm sorry. You deserve toHAHAHAHA GOT IT! (quickly grabs the stone from his pocket and runs away)
Darunia: What!? HEY! COME BACK HERE! (curls into a ball and rolls after Link)
Link: (runs from the curled-up Darunia ala "Indiana Jones")
Link: (dives through the Death Mountain gates, nearly escaping Darunia)
Darunia: (gets stuck in the gates) Wha--… oh no! WHY YOU LOUSY LITTLE PUNK, GET BACK HERE! GIVE BACK THE STONE RIGHT NOW!
Link: Did you just hear something, Navi? (stifles laughter)
Navi: No. Let's go. (giggles)
Link: Okay, so we have two of the three spiritual stones. What do you do now?
Navi: I wonder if Saria knows anything about the last spiritual stone?
Link: (suspicious) You seem to rely on awful lot on what SARIA knows. Don't YOU know anything?
Navi: Well, not anything about spiritual stones.
Link: Heh.
Navi: What?
Link: I take it there's no qualifying exam to be a fairy companion.
Navi: Are you kidding!? We had to learn the names, strengths, and weaknesses of every potentially-threatening creature in all of Hyrule! You think THAT qualifies me enough!?
Link: Do you know where to get a good cheeseburger?
Navi: Hyrule doesn't even HAVE cheeseburgers!
Link: Really? Wow! C'mon, there's a fortune to be made! (runs off)
Navi: LINK!
Link: What?
Navi: Ask Saria about the last spiritual stone!
Link: Oh. Okay. (takes out Ocarina)
Navi: What happened to the cell phone?
Link: Are you kidding? Do you know how much it costs to make a long-distance call like that?!
Navi: …Oh. I never really thought of that.
Link: (plays Saria's Song)
Navi: Do you want to talk to Saria?
Link: Of course I do! It was YOUR idea!
Navi: (grumbles and creates a psychic connection between Saria and Link)
Link: (telepathically receives information) …We need to get the Spiritual Stone of Water. The Zoras have it, and they live in Zora's Domain.
Link: Aw, great. More rocks blocking our way. Guess I'll whip—
Kaepora Gaebora: Hi!
Link: WAAAH! (falls down) Who are you?
Kaepora Gaebora: I'm God.
Link: (suspicious) The same God who said I can't get into heaven because my feet smell?
Kaepora Gaebora: (nervously) Ahahaha! Oh, did I say God? I meant Gaebora. Kaepora Gaebora. …I'm not God.
Link: Right. So what do you want, Mr. GAYbora? (snickers)
Kaepora Gaebora: Har har. I just wanted to tell you you're in Zora's Domain, and the Zora race live here, and they protect the water somehow, and you can't get into their home because there's a waterfall blocking it.
Link: Can't you just jump through the waterfall?
Kaepora Gaebora: (ignoring him) You have to be a member of the royal family to get in. Or someone in connection to the royal family. Or the royal family's cousins. Or the royal family's cousin's mailman. Or something.
Link: We get the picture.
Kaepora Gaebora: Great. Well anyway, I just came by here to tell you you're screwed, because you're not part of the royal family, so you can't get in. That is, unless, you somehow know the royal melody you must play to get in. Cuz that's the only way to get in. Unless you're part of the royal family. You aren't, are you?
Link: Well actually—
Kaepora Gaebora: Bye. (flies off)
Link: …
Link: (takes out the Ocarina, and a mysterious tune plays) What was that!?
Navi: Oh, it happens when you do something good. Don't worry about it.
Link: Ahh… (plays Saria's song by mistake)
Navi: Do you want to talk to Saria?
Link: …No…
Navi: Oh… then… (blushes)… do you want to talk to me?
Link: (blushes as well) Well…
Navi: Yes?
Link: …Are you SURE you don't know where a good cheeseburger joint is?
Navi: (falls down) (sighs) …No…
Link: Ahh, fine. (plays Zelda's Lullaby, and another tune plays as the waterfall parts and a hole is clearly visible) I'm tellin' ya, those little tunes are creepin' me out… (enters Zora's Domain)
Inside Zora's Domain (the real one), Link and Navi are
kneeling at the foot of the King.
Link: (respectfully) Greetings, Great King Zora. We are the royal family's messengers. We have come with orders from Princess Zelda to save Hyrule from imminent destruction. We are in need of your assistance: we require the Spiritual Stone of Water. May we have it?
King Zora: Oh, my dear sweet Princess Ruto…where have you gone?
Link: HEY! I spent HOURS working on that speech! You better respond with something worthwhile, NOW!
King Zora: Oh, my dear sweet Princess Ruto… where have you gone?
Navi: I'm afraid he won't say anything more unless we give him something.
Link: Screw him. I'm not getting anything. I'm going to go over there. (runs off)
Diving Game Zora: Ah. Hello. Would you like to play a diving game? Twenty rupees. If you pick up the rupees I toss in the allotted time period, I'll give you something good.
Link: What will you give me?
Diving Game Zora: (winks and smiles) It's a secret.
Link: (frowning and looking down the waterfall) I'm afraid I'm not going to take a fifty-foot dive into roughly ten-feet-deep water unless I know what I'm getting out of it.
Diving Game Zora: Don't be such a wuss. Readysetgo! (pushes Link off the cliff)
Link: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGHHHHH! [SPLASH]
Diving Game Zora: Don't forget the rupees! (tosses rupees into the area where Link is)
Link: (dollar signs appear in his eyes) AUGH! MONEY! (quickly dives into the water and gets them all at once)
Diving Game Zora: Hey, great! Congratulations! Come up here and claim your prize!
Link: (on the way back up to the Diving Game Zora) I wonder why the game costs twenty rupees, but he throws twenty-five rupees into the water for you to keep. How does he expect to make a profit?
Navi: Maybe he can't count. C'mon, let's collect our prize!
Link: Okay, so what do I get?
Diving Game Zora: That was such a graceful dive! Here, this is a scale of our kind. It allows you to dive much deeper than you could before.
Link: …How?
Diving Game Zora: (suddenly very serious) That is one of the great mysteries of the universe.
Link: …
Diving Game Zora: (snapping back into his regular friendly mood) But anyway, here it is! (gives it to Link)
Link: Thanks! I think I'll go dive into that hole I saw before.
Navi: You really shouldn't be swimming into random holes. You don't know where that could go.
Link: Nonsense. I'll be fine. (dives off the cliff and swims into the hole)
Link: (gasping and coughing for air as he rises from the bottom) Phew! I can BREATHE!
Navi: I told you so…
Link: Well who would have guessed it lead to somewhere halfway across Hyrule!?
Navi: Hmph.
Link: Besides, I— (notices shiny thing on the bottom of the lake) Hey, shiny stuff. I'll go get it. (dives down, grabs it, and comes back up)
Navi: You got an Empty Bottle! You can carry things in it and… what? There's already something in it!?
Link: Brilliant, Holmes.
What
dwells within the bottle? Why are rocks
always blocking the way to essential plot points? Will Link EVER find a good cheeseburger joint? Find out this and more, on the next Ocarina
of Time Rewrite!