In the last episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite, Link found the Ocarina of Time and got the Master Sword (with some help from Ganon). But oh no! Ganon found the Triforce and is now the King of Evil! What are we gonna do? Make our hero a jillion times sexier, that's what. Watch Link exact his revenge in scintillating sexiness!
Link: Grr! I'll get that Rauru if it's the last thing I do!
Navi: (pretending she wasn't involved) …Grr! Yeah! Let's go beat the stuffing out of him!
Link: But how?
Navi: Maybe if you put the Master Sword back in the Pedestal of Time you get to go back to the Chamber of Sages.
Link: Ahh, good plan, Navi.
Navi: Well, I try.
Link: (tries to put the sword back in the pedestal)
Suddenly, a bright light flashes throughout the temple.
Link: AAAH! My eyes! Navi, I hate you!
Navi: (rubbing her eyes) I didn't do it!
Link: Then who did?!
As his vision slowly returns, Link begins to make out a figure standing in front of the Pedestal of Time.
Link: Who…?
Figure: (mysterious and quiet) I've been waiting for you.
Link: Well, I've been here for about seven years. You must have been waiting a while.
Figure: (struck by his this) Well --you know-- waiting for you to return to consciousness.
Link: But I wasn't unconscious.
Figure: Okay, fine, I haven't been waiting. I just got here.
Link: Then why'd you tell me you were waiting?
Figure: Look at my eyes! And these clothes! These aren't some normal, everyday clothes! Heck, my pants are so tight I can barely walk! I'm a SHEIKAH!
Link: So?
Figure: We're supposed to be silent, mystifying and well-balanced warrior servants of Hyrule! We can't just show up and be all, "Yeah, hi, what'd I miss?"
Link: Then I guess you aren't a very good Sheikah.
Figure: (eyes tear up, and throws a charge down on the ground, which explodes in a bright light)
Link: Um… you're still here.
Figure: (looks around)… Shut up! (runs out of the temple, but trips and falls on his way out)
Link and Navi: (laugh)
Later, in Hyrule Field…
Link: Well, except for all the dark clouds and the broken bridge and Redeads and the fact that Hyrule Castle Town is utterly destroyed and deserted, Hyrule doesn't seem THAT different.
Navi: I still think you should try to find these sage things.
Link: Look, even the Stalchildren are gone! I can actually SLEEP now instead of fighting all night!
Navi: Well, what are we going to do, Link? It's been seven years; we know almost nothing about this place!
Link: Let's go see if Malon got as hot as I did.
Navi: (rolls eyes) That's stupid.
Link: Well, you're bound to my side, aren't you? You have to follow me! Ha!
Navi: (mutters curses to herself and follows him)
At Lon-Lon Ranch…
Link: Look, this place still looks the same! I think Rauru was just tricking us again.
Navi: Yeah, maybe, except all the horses are now caged in that little fenced area.
Link: …Oh yeah. Hey, look, it's my horse!
Navi: You don't HAVE a horse.
Link: Yes I do! Malon said she'd give that red one to me!
Navi: She said it liked you, she never said you could HAVE it!
Link: Yes she did. (hops the fence)
Navi: Link! Wait!
Link: (gets on Epona) Haha! See, Navi? It obeys its master!
Epona: (bucks him off)
Link: Aaauugghhh! (lands right at the feet of someone)
Link looks up, and finds himself at the feet of the stableman Ingo from seven years ago, only he is dressed in high-class clothes. He's still an ugly git.
Ingo: Waaaaah! I am the hard-working Ingo! I run this ranch!
Link: I thought Talon and Malon ran this ranch.
Ingo: WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING?! I DIDN'T STEAL THE RANCH FROM THEM! YOU CAN'T PROVE IT! NOBODY SAW ME!
Link: …
Ingo: I didn't steal it! You believe me, don't you?! Don't go telling people I stole it! I just work HARDER than Talon, who was a lazy bum!
Link: The horses seemed a lot happier when HE ran the ranch.
Ingo: You better watch your mouth, kid! I am a friend of the Great Ganondorf!
Link: Whatever.
Ingo: (thinking) …Hey, how 'bout a race, kid? Fifty rupees to the winner!
Link: Sweet!
Ingo: …But I pick the horses! I get this incredible horse here, you can have Epona over there; she's never been tamed… ehehehe…
Link: We'll see about that. (plays Epona's Song and gets on her without trouble)
Ingo: (grabs his hair in fury) Waaaaah! Waaaaaaaaaahhh!
Link: Are you gonna stand there screaming, or are we gonna race?!
The race begins. Ingo takes the lead, but he begins to lose when Link starts throwing Deku Nuts and Bombs at him, and cutting the straps on his saddle. Eventually, Link wins.
Ingo: (pulling hair out) Waaaaaaaaah!
Link: Yay! Fifty rupees to me!
Ingo: Grrr… fine, we'll race again, and if you win… you can keep… (struggles with himself)… THE HORSE!
Link: Screw the horse; I want Malon!
Ingo: That ugly stable-wench?
Link: (clenches fists, eyes filled with rage)
Ingo: N-now… w-w-wait a minute…
Link: (walks over to Ingo)
Ingo: (takes a cautious step backwards) Stay back! STAY BACK!
Link: (picks him up)
Ingo: Waaaahhh!
Link: (throws him into the chickens)
Ingo regains his composure just in time to see that he is in the middle of a gaggle of fierce chickens, each glowing with demonic power. His screams of pain ring out for all of Hyrule to hear. Later…
Ingo: (bandaged and in crutches) You won again, kid… you can keep the horse… but you can never leave this ranch! Waaaahahaha! (closes the gates)
Link: Yay! I get to live with Malon!
Navi: Malon lives in the house behind the gate, Link.
Link: Nooooo! Ingo, you will die!
Ingo: Waaahahaha! You can't touch me!
Link gets on Epona and begins to ride towards gate. Ingo laughs as he does this; he thinks Link can't get through the gate, but in the middle of his raspy laughter Epona knocks it down and crushes Ingo under it as she rides on top of it.
Link: That was easy enough. (walks into the barn)
Inside the barn, a seven-years-older Malon is milking a cow.
Link: (fixes his hair, adjusts his shield and sword, and leans on the wall charmingly) Hey, baby. I'm back.
Malon: Do I know you?
Link: (points up at Navi) It's me, sweet thing. Fairy boy.
Malon: (gets up, holding the pail of water and smiling) …Fa-….Fairy boy???
Link: That's right. I'm back to… ehehe… claim my prize.
Malon: I thought…. I thought you'd…. NEVER COME BACK! (dumps the milk all over Link's head, punches him in the stomach and shoves him down)
Link: Gah!
Malon: I waited for you for SEVEN YEARS, and now you come back and expect everything to be the same?! Where were you when Ganondorf took over our ranch, huh? WHERE WERE YOU, YOU SELFLESS JERK?!?! (tackles him)
Link: Woah, we're supposed to save these things for marriage, Malon!
Malon: (knees him in the groin)
Link: Ooof! (weakly) I guess… you agree…(falls over)
Malon: (gets up and starts kicking him) Get out!
Link: (sticky, covered with hay and in pain) I'm going, I'm going! (crawls out of the barn)
Outside…
Navi: Hmph.
Link: What? You mad at me now, too?
Navi: So where WERE you when they were under Ganondorf's iron fist of evil?! (slaps him)
Link: Wh-…y-… I was frozen in time!
Navi: Excuses, excuses.
Link: Gah… I need some cheering up.
In Kakkariko Village…
Link: (walks into a restaurant) Hello, I'd like the Omelet Party Special, please. Triple portions.
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir, but we no longer serve omelets.
Link: …What?
Waiter: We now serve only cheeseburgers.
Link: (his head is down and he is shaking with rage before he falls to his knees and raises his fists to the sky, screaming, "GAAANONDOOORRRRRRRRFFFFF!" loud enough that, for the first time ever, all the chickens in Kakkariko Village fly away, and several of the townsfolk look out their windows to investigate such tortured screams)
Outside the restaurant…
Link: (muching on his cheeseurger) I was gonna let Ganon go ahead and rule Hyrule for a little while longer, maybe do some fishing and try peeking into Malon's bedroom, but this is one offense too many! Not only did he shut down the Kakkariko Omelet House, he also stole my idea of marketing cheeseburgers in Hyrule! Well, that's going too far! Now I'm gonna have to tear him LIMB-FROM-LIMB!! (crushes his cheeseburger in his hand) Noo! I've ruined my cheeseburger! (screaming) WILL GANON'S EVIL NEVER END?!?!
People: (staring at him)
Navi: Maybe we should go back and listen to that person that kept throwing flashy things at us.
Figure: Oh, but I am already here.
The Figure stands in a tree, still as a statue, before he jumps into the air and does several impressive acrobatic flips and twirls. He falls on his butt when he lands.
Figure: Ouch!
Link and Navi: (laugh)
Figure: Hey, c'mon! I have important stuff to tell you!
Link: Ah, alright. What do you want to tell us?
Figure: (adopts a mysterious and emotionless mannerism) Releasing the sealed power of the Sages is your only chance to defeat Ganon's evil. However, equipped as you currently are, you can't even enter the first temple. Head to Kakkariko Village!
Link: We're already in Kakkariko Village.
Figure: …(stomps around angrily and points at Link) This is all your fault! I was supposed to tell you this back in the Temple of Time, but nooo, you had to keep making fun of me! (eyes tear up) I'm supposed to be silent and mysterious!
Link: (walks over to the Figure and pats him on the back) There, there. I'm sure you'll make a great Sheikah one day, er… what's your name?
Figure: Zelda-(catching self)-um-Sheik.
Link: "Zeldaumsheik"?
Figure: Nono, just Sheik! …I'm not Zelda.
Link: I didn't say you were.
Figure: …
Link: …
Figure: …Well, I'm not!
Link: Fine. Hey, I wonder what happened to her anyway? Did Ganon ever find her?
Sheik: (becoming more Sheikah-ish) She is in a safe place.
Link: Hmm. Is she as drop-dead gorgeous as me?
Sheik: (losing his mysteriousness) Uhhh… I guess…?
Sweet. Maybe I have a chance with her now that Malon hates me…. hey, why are you blushing?
Sheik: …Shut up! (jumps high into the air and disappears)
Link: …That was sure odd.
Navi: I know, what was his prob--... hey, he left a note. (picks up a piece of paper left on the ground by Sheik) Looks like a map of Hyrule with six dots on it. What do you supposed they mean?
Link: Let's ask him. (waves at Sheik and yells) Hey, Sheik! What's this map for?
Sheik: (hiding behind a tree) (gasps, and runs behind a house, peeking out the side every now and then)
Link: I guess he's trying to be as mysterious as possible.
Navi: Hey, maybe it's a map of where the sages are. Look, there's one in Kokiri Forest!
Link: Good ol' Kokiri Forest! Let's go see what's going on there.
Even though Link didn't get revenge on Rauru like he said he would, he was able to divert his anger towards Ganon, the real enemy of this story. And the first sage is in Kokiri Forest! What luck! Maybe, if he sees his homeland overrun with monsters, he'll be even more angry and be even MORE determined to destroy Ganon! I love the way these things turn out. Tune into the next episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite to see Link REALLY mad!