Maurice: Hello dear people and welcome to another episode of the smash hit
Pressing Issues. I of course am your host Maurice Chavez. Todays topic is
one that I find very important. Violence is something that as a people we
must all deal with. You can see it in movies, T.V., video games it seems
endless. The question is how can we stop it.
Still Maurice: Now before I announce my guests for today. I have a little annoucment to make. Due to his remodeling of my studio last time, not to mention almost killing me, Solidus Snake has been banned from Pressing Issues. The real question is who gives a rats ass. Not me that's for sure. Ok our first guest today is one that every American should know. It is a real honor to have him here and he should help in today's topic. Ladies and Gentlemen former president George Sears.
Sears walks into the studio and takes a seat.
Maruice: Hello Mr. Presi...oh dear what happened to your eye. You never used to wear a patch.
Sears: Ummm yea well that was a problem I had while programming my VCR.
Maurice: Ah I see ok. For a minute there I thought you looked a little like Solidus Snake.
Sears: Heh heh don't' be crazy why would I want to be that psycho.
Maurice: Yeah that guy is nothing but a useless pain in the ass. I don't know why I even wanted him on my show.
Sear (explodes with anger): YOU INSOLENT FOOL YOU WIL...I mean yea of course your right Chavez maybe you should introduce our second.
Maruice:...uhh yea sure Mr. President. Our next guest is one who says he has a plan. A plan to end Violence everywhere. Ladies and gentlemen please give a warm welcome to Fatman.
Fatman attempts to walk in but can't fit through the doorframe. After a few tries he pushes thorugh and takes the doorframe with him.
Fatman: Umm sorry about that happens all the time.
Maurice: Don't worry about it we can order another one (quietly) fat tube of lard.
Fatman: What was that?
Maurice: Er...nothing. Anyway our last guest is one whom I'am sure you all have come to love. Ladies and Gentlemen out final guest makign his unpresidented fourth apperance on this show everyone please welcome naturalist Barry Stark. Once again he will be joining us from behind a barrier protecting us from the horror that is his naked body.
Barry: Hello Maurice and everyone I'm still naked back here as usual.
Maurice: Yes yes we all know that Barry. So everyone as usual let me explain the rules.
Sears: Rules...there wasn't any blasted rules the last time I was o...I mean rules yay.
Maurice is beginning to get a feeling about Sears.
Maurice: Ok here on Pressing Issues there we only have one real rule. That rule is...ANYONE NAKED MUST STAY BEHIND THE BARRIER...got that Stark.
Barry: Yea yea but as a deal I get to go first. I want my answers the be heard.
Maurice: Fine. Ok then Barry how would you end this seemingly infinte supply of violence we has a people have been getting.
Barry: Well simple...If everyone was naked noone would want to hurt one another.
Sears: My god...that's sick.
Barry: Yes ex-president in your tiny mind it would be sick. In fact Sears wasn't it you who tried to ban nudism around the country.
Sears: Yes...yes it was, and thanks to that I won a second term.
Barry: Because you don't understand what it feels like to have a crisp cool air blowing and you standing there wearing nothing but what you were born with.
Fatman: I know how it feels.
Everyone turns towards Fatman.
Sears: Wow...that vision will haunt me in my sleep forever.
Maurice: Indeed...now Barry please tell me how being naked would help us solve this everlasting problem of violence.
Barry: Well think about it Maurice. If your naked do you think anyone would want to hit you or even lay a hand on you of course not. Plus if your naked you would never even want to fire a gun because you would worry about the potential damage it could do to some parts of your body.
Fatman: Amen brother.
Maurice: Ok Fatman I think we all agree if you stop talking about you being nude.
Sears nods.
Barry: Why Maurice does it offened you? Who cares that what we fight for people accepting nudity. In fact Fatman why don't you join me come behind this dividor and see what it feels like to be seperated from these so called nomral people.
After thinking it over for a few seconds. Fatman stands up and starts moving towards the divider while taking off his pants.
Sears: This will remain in my mind the most fearful thing in my life. (To the readers) Mind you I've seen Raiden naked this is so much worse.
Maurice: God help me...anyway ex-president Sears what are your views on violence?
Sears: Well that's a good question Chavez. I belive we should encourage violence.
Maurice: Encourage?!
Sears: Yes Chavez now stop interrupting. We need violence to stop the patriots. In fact if everyone looks to the person on their right and takes out a big knife and starts reapetedly stabbing them to death. Well, we could have the Patriots beaten in a matter of minutes.
Maurice: Umm you know something all this talk about the Patriots is making me sort of suppcious you aren't Solidus are you?
Sears (nervously): Of course not don't be...rid....
Sears stops because behind the barrier Fatman and Barry have been doing jumping jacks.
Maurice: Oh dear christ...ALRIGHT YOU TWO STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
Barry: I'm sorry Maurice we have to excersize you know.
Fatman: Excersize...what is that?
Barry: Nevermind. Just jump.
Sears: IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS SACRED MAKE THEM STOP.
Maurice: Umm...Fatman how would you solve violence?
Fatman stops jumping as he thinks of the question.
Sears: Thank you god sweet sweet god.
Fatman: Well Maurice I would build a giant clock.
Maurice: A giant clock!?
Fatman: Yes a giant clock. One which will never stop. The whole world would be soothed by the ticking...
Maurice: Or they would more then likely go crazy and start killing one another.
Fatman: Hey I never said it was perfect.
Maurice: And that should teach us all a lesson. I think it's time for a break after we will start taking your calls. Please stayed tuned.
**Commercial**
Announcer: This summer only on The All Stupidity Channel. Six People...All by themselves...Stranded...in Arsenal's Colon!!!
Announcer: Who will survive...who will die...who will win...only you can decide...well not really I mean comon this thing is rigged.
Announcer: Only on the ASC Channel Stranded: Arsenal's Colon.
**Commercial**
Maurice: Welcome back to Pressing Issues. Today we are talking about Violence with our guests, Fatman, Geroge Sears, and of course the very naked Barry Stark. Now we are taking call from you the viewer.
Caller #1: Hey Maurice love the show. I have a quesition for Barry: What if you like killing and your naked?
Barry: Hmm why do you ask?
Caller #1: Umm because I have this uhhh friend who enjoys killing people especially when he is naked.
Maurice: Oh boy.
Sears: Psycho.
Barry: Now now you two. Caller I think that as long as your friend is naked anything he does is ok. Besides what cop would touch you.
Caller #1: Hey thanks Barry. Hey Maurice can I get tickets to your show.
The Call is disconnected.
Maurice: Phew that was close. Ok now or second caller.
Caller #2 (Solid Snake): Hey Solidus man our karioke party is going on right now. (Liquid can be heard in the background singing a very unique version of 'I'm Too Sexy') Where are you you said you would bring a keg.
Maurice: There is no Solidus here bye amigo.
Another hang up.
Sears: Umm Maurice I have to go do some presidential things. Umm it's an emergency.
Sears goes dashing out of the building.
Maurice: Uhh right well I guess that's our show for now. Be with us next week here on Pressing Issues where EVRYONE will be clothed. Bye.
Still Maurice: Now before I announce my guests for today. I have a little annoucment to make. Due to his remodeling of my studio last time, not to mention almost killing me, Solidus Snake has been banned from Pressing Issues. The real question is who gives a rats ass. Not me that's for sure. Ok our first guest today is one that every American should know. It is a real honor to have him here and he should help in today's topic. Ladies and Gentlemen former president George Sears.
Sears walks into the studio and takes a seat.
Maruice: Hello Mr. Presi...oh dear what happened to your eye. You never used to wear a patch.
Sears: Ummm yea well that was a problem I had while programming my VCR.
Maurice: Ah I see ok. For a minute there I thought you looked a little like Solidus Snake.
Sears: Heh heh don't' be crazy why would I want to be that psycho.
Maurice: Yeah that guy is nothing but a useless pain in the ass. I don't know why I even wanted him on my show.
Sear (explodes with anger): YOU INSOLENT FOOL YOU WIL...I mean yea of course your right Chavez maybe you should introduce our second.
Maruice:...uhh yea sure Mr. President. Our next guest is one who says he has a plan. A plan to end Violence everywhere. Ladies and gentlemen please give a warm welcome to Fatman.
Fatman attempts to walk in but can't fit through the doorframe. After a few tries he pushes thorugh and takes the doorframe with him.
Fatman: Umm sorry about that happens all the time.
Maurice: Don't worry about it we can order another one (quietly) fat tube of lard.
Fatman: What was that?
Maurice: Er...nothing. Anyway our last guest is one whom I'am sure you all have come to love. Ladies and Gentlemen out final guest makign his unpresidented fourth apperance on this show everyone please welcome naturalist Barry Stark. Once again he will be joining us from behind a barrier protecting us from the horror that is his naked body.
Barry: Hello Maurice and everyone I'm still naked back here as usual.
Maurice: Yes yes we all know that Barry. So everyone as usual let me explain the rules.
Sears: Rules...there wasn't any blasted rules the last time I was o...I mean rules yay.
Maurice is beginning to get a feeling about Sears.
Maurice: Ok here on Pressing Issues there we only have one real rule. That rule is...ANYONE NAKED MUST STAY BEHIND THE BARRIER...got that Stark.
Barry: Yea yea but as a deal I get to go first. I want my answers the be heard.
Maurice: Fine. Ok then Barry how would you end this seemingly infinte supply of violence we has a people have been getting.
Barry: Well simple...If everyone was naked noone would want to hurt one another.
Sears: My god...that's sick.
Barry: Yes ex-president in your tiny mind it would be sick. In fact Sears wasn't it you who tried to ban nudism around the country.
Sears: Yes...yes it was, and thanks to that I won a second term.
Barry: Because you don't understand what it feels like to have a crisp cool air blowing and you standing there wearing nothing but what you were born with.
Fatman: I know how it feels.
Everyone turns towards Fatman.
Sears: Wow...that vision will haunt me in my sleep forever.
Maurice: Indeed...now Barry please tell me how being naked would help us solve this everlasting problem of violence.
Barry: Well think about it Maurice. If your naked do you think anyone would want to hit you or even lay a hand on you of course not. Plus if your naked you would never even want to fire a gun because you would worry about the potential damage it could do to some parts of your body.
Fatman: Amen brother.
Maurice: Ok Fatman I think we all agree if you stop talking about you being nude.
Sears nods.
Barry: Why Maurice does it offened you? Who cares that what we fight for people accepting nudity. In fact Fatman why don't you join me come behind this dividor and see what it feels like to be seperated from these so called nomral people.
After thinking it over for a few seconds. Fatman stands up and starts moving towards the divider while taking off his pants.
Sears: This will remain in my mind the most fearful thing in my life. (To the readers) Mind you I've seen Raiden naked this is so much worse.
Maurice: God help me...anyway ex-president Sears what are your views on violence?
Sears: Well that's a good question Chavez. I belive we should encourage violence.
Maurice: Encourage?!
Sears: Yes Chavez now stop interrupting. We need violence to stop the patriots. In fact if everyone looks to the person on their right and takes out a big knife and starts reapetedly stabbing them to death. Well, we could have the Patriots beaten in a matter of minutes.
Maurice: Umm you know something all this talk about the Patriots is making me sort of suppcious you aren't Solidus are you?
Sears (nervously): Of course not don't be...rid....
Sears stops because behind the barrier Fatman and Barry have been doing jumping jacks.
Maurice: Oh dear christ...ALRIGHT YOU TWO STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
Barry: I'm sorry Maurice we have to excersize you know.
Fatman: Excersize...what is that?
Barry: Nevermind. Just jump.
Sears: IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS SACRED MAKE THEM STOP.
Maurice: Umm...Fatman how would you solve violence?
Fatman stops jumping as he thinks of the question.
Sears: Thank you god sweet sweet god.
Fatman: Well Maurice I would build a giant clock.
Maurice: A giant clock!?
Fatman: Yes a giant clock. One which will never stop. The whole world would be soothed by the ticking...
Maurice: Or they would more then likely go crazy and start killing one another.
Fatman: Hey I never said it was perfect.
Maurice: And that should teach us all a lesson. I think it's time for a break after we will start taking your calls. Please stayed tuned.
**Commercial**
Announcer: This summer only on The All Stupidity Channel. Six People...All by themselves...Stranded...in Arsenal's Colon!!!
Announcer: Who will survive...who will die...who will win...only you can decide...well not really I mean comon this thing is rigged.
Announcer: Only on the ASC Channel Stranded: Arsenal's Colon.
**Commercial**
Maurice: Welcome back to Pressing Issues. Today we are talking about Violence with our guests, Fatman, Geroge Sears, and of course the very naked Barry Stark. Now we are taking call from you the viewer.
Caller #1: Hey Maurice love the show. I have a quesition for Barry: What if you like killing and your naked?
Barry: Hmm why do you ask?
Caller #1: Umm because I have this uhhh friend who enjoys killing people especially when he is naked.
Maurice: Oh boy.
Sears: Psycho.
Barry: Now now you two. Caller I think that as long as your friend is naked anything he does is ok. Besides what cop would touch you.
Caller #1: Hey thanks Barry. Hey Maurice can I get tickets to your show.
The Call is disconnected.
Maurice: Phew that was close. Ok now or second caller.
Caller #2 (Solid Snake): Hey Solidus man our karioke party is going on right now. (Liquid can be heard in the background singing a very unique version of 'I'm Too Sexy') Where are you you said you would bring a keg.
Maurice: There is no Solidus here bye amigo.
Another hang up.
Sears: Umm Maurice I have to go do some presidential things. Umm it's an emergency.
Sears goes dashing out of the building.
Maurice: Uhh right well I guess that's our show for now. Be with us next week here on Pressing Issues where EVRYONE will be clothed. Bye.