Maruice: Hello all you wonderful wonderful people and welcome once again to
another episode of Pressing Issues. Yes I know it's been a while. As you
all should know by now my name is Maurice Chavez. Today's topic as all
others is a very very special topic. As you all know the next Metal Gear
Solid game has finally been announced. So as a treat with me today is two
guests to talk about the games. (He sighs)...and one guest to make my life
miserable. Well let's get right to it and introduce my first guest. He is
not only the greatest man who has ever lived but also the new god of you
all from this moment on. Ladies and gentlemen the great Hideo Kojima.
Hideo: Thanks for having me on the show Maurice. (Note: Yes I know he only speaks Japanese.........but I'm very lazy so now he speaks English)
Maurice: Indeed ok now our second guest is one who you all should of grown very familiar with. Let me introduce Solid Snake.
Snake is to busy reading the newest Harry Potter book to notice his introduction.
Snake: Ha that Harry when will he ever learn.........
Maurice: Ummm Snake we are on the air.
Snake quickly throws the book out of the window and sits down all badass like.
Snake: Uhh yea of course.........just move on to teh next goddamn guest will ya.
Maurice: Ummm ok.........(he speaks quickly) and our last guest is Barry Stark now let's start off wi.........
Barry: NOT SO FAST CHAVEZ.........
Maurice: Son of a bitch I thought that would work.........
Barry: You will never silence the nudists we are one with the world.
Maurice: No your not your just a sick freak and a sadisit nudity is evil end of story.........now Mr. Kojima please tell us what have you been working on besides this Snake Eater game.
Kojima: Well I do have this really cool game coming out soon you see it works off of sunlight kinda like how a flower reacts to sunlight by growing longer.........
Snake take out a gun and points it at Barry.
Snake: One word and I shoot it off I swear to god..........
Maurice: Why thank you Snake.
Barry:.........dammit
Snake shoots Barry which causes everyone to look at Snake.
Snake: Well I never said which word did I........today it happened to be dammit tomorrow it could be roast beef..........so beware.
Barry (Horrified): Oh no now there will be no little Barrys
Snake and Kojima: Thank you god.
Maurice clears his throat.
Maurice: Ok now let's stay on topic shall we.........
Barry: Wait I think I may need a doctor it's bleeding pretty bad.
Maurice: Well your not getting one.........
Barry: Why not.........
Maurice: Because I hate you Stark you and your nude ways.........
Snake: Can we get on with this I want to finish the book..........errr I mean I gotta kill some terrorists.
Hideo: Pansy.
Snake glares at Kojima.
Maurice: Ok break it up you two. Now Mr. Kojima could you please tell us some of the things we may be expecting in this game.
Hideo: Oh I am very sorry Maurice but I like to keep my games a surprise the same way I did with Raiden.........
Snake immediately stands up and punches Hideo knocking him out of the chair.
Maurice: SNAKE!!!!!.........what is the hell are you doing man?
Snake: It was him Raiden.........that blonde moron all because of him.
Hideo shakes his head and sits back down.
Hideo: It's ok Maurice that happens a lot.........
Maurice: Really!?
Hideo: Yea many times a day.........I get hit by Snake fans, Raiden haters, even my own wife.
Maurice: But why?
Hideo (On the verge of tears): It's all because that one day.........I was working on Metal Gear Solid 2 and then it happened.
Maurice: What happened?
Hideo (Starts crying): A Backstreet Boys music video came on.........a........and.........the rest is history.
Snake: So that's how Raiden was created.........
Hideo (Calming down): Yes.........yes that's how it was done.
Maurice: .........OK I'M SO LOST RIGHT NOW CAN WE JUST STICK TO THE DAMN TOPIC YOU LUNATICS.
Barry: You know what a better topic is.........
Maurice unable to hold his anger about his show constantly going off topic leaps across the table and starts beating the living hell outta Barry.
Hideo: Hmmmm now if only we had a huge vat of Sprite.
Snake: GOD DAMMIT KOJIMA THERE WILL BE NO SPRITE WRESTLING.
Hideo: Awwww.........
Producer: Ummm I think it's time for a commercial.........
**Commercial**.
Announcer: Think Ocelot Gone Wild is wild enough wait until we put.........Liquid Snake behind the camera. That's right order Ocelot Gone Wild: Liquid Style.
***Very Scary Break dancing/Russian Porn Music***
Announcer: See not only the hot topless Russian action but also the hot topless British break dancing action. Buy today and get your own inflatable Revolver Ocelot doll. To order call: 1-800-YOU-NEED-HELP-IF-YOU-ACTAULLY- THINK-THIS-IS-REAL
**Commercial**
Back at the studio Maurice is sitting back down looking very pleased with himself. Barry is black and blue is places men weren't meant to be black and blue. Snake is back reading Harry Potter. And Hideo is talking on his cell phone.
Hideo: Yea just have the Sprite ready when I get home...ok...ok...bye.
Snake (still reading): You have problems you know that Kojima.
Maurice: Snake we're on again...
Snake about to throw the book out the window again but instead throws it at Barry.
Hideo: ...Uhhhhh is he supposed to be not talking...or moving...or breathing.
Maurice: No one cares that's the thing about Barry. Now getting back on topic...Mr.Kojima with us now we have a few screenshots of this remarkable game. Maybe you and Snake could tell us what's going on in these shots.
A screen comes down the first shot that appears shows Snake landing into the forest.
Hideo: Well obviously this is Snake diving into the jungle. See the detail in the trees my team did a most impressive job.
Snake: It would have been a little more impressive if you remembered to give me my parachute.
Hideo: Hmmmmm yea maybe your right.
Maurice: ...Ok now the next one
The next shot shows Snake eating a snake.
Hideo: Ok well this shot shows survival and how Snake must hunt.
Snake: Wrong again Kojima it shows that betting me 20 bucks will make me do some really weird shit.
Maurice: ...well there goes the little kids who like the show...next.
The next shot shows Snake diving off of the waterfall while the dogs are chasing him.
Hideo: Ahh yes this shot shows Snake dive off a waterfall rather then shoot dogs. Maybe even a sensitive side of him.
Snake: Well close Kojima but that scene wasn't even from the game.
Hideo: You were looking for Hogwarts in those Harry Potter' books again weren't you.
Snake: .yes.
Maurice: Ok we will do one more photo.
Barry: Anyone notice I haven't talked in a while. See how nudity gives you great self control.
Maurice and Snake stand up. Snake lifts up Barry. Maurice opens the window.and well I think we know where this is headed.
Snake: There we go much better.now where is this final screen.
Maurice: Oh yea.
The final shot shows Snake standing in the water while the forest behind him is on fire.
Hideo: Ohhhh I really liked this one. As you can see Snake is once again surviving in one of the most hazardous disasters a brushfire.
Snake: Ummm actually I had a gun and there was a huge pile of full gasoline cans.let's just say it wasn't a brushfire that god caused.
Hideo: DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT FIRE COST US.YOUNG MAN YOUR GROUNDED.
Snake: .wait a minute your not my father.Big Boss is.
Hideo: Uhhh well I am your creator so I overrule your father so there.
Maurice (sighs): Ok that's it this episode is over.
Snake: Wait Maurice.there's still a picture in this machine.
The screen changes to show a nude Barry doing aerobics.
Snake and Hideo: OH DEAR CHRIST.
Snake: I knew it Chavez.
Maurice: Uhhh I haven't a clue where that came from.
Producer: Ok that's it where ended this.
Maurice: Uhh yes of course.ahem thank you for watching yet another episode of Pressing Issues.I SWEAR TO GOD I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT PICTURE CAME FROM.
Hideo: Thanks for having me on the show Maurice. (Note: Yes I know he only speaks Japanese.........but I'm very lazy so now he speaks English)
Maurice: Indeed ok now our second guest is one who you all should of grown very familiar with. Let me introduce Solid Snake.
Snake is to busy reading the newest Harry Potter book to notice his introduction.
Snake: Ha that Harry when will he ever learn.........
Maurice: Ummm Snake we are on the air.
Snake quickly throws the book out of the window and sits down all badass like.
Snake: Uhh yea of course.........just move on to teh next goddamn guest will ya.
Maurice: Ummm ok.........(he speaks quickly) and our last guest is Barry Stark now let's start off wi.........
Barry: NOT SO FAST CHAVEZ.........
Maurice: Son of a bitch I thought that would work.........
Barry: You will never silence the nudists we are one with the world.
Maurice: No your not your just a sick freak and a sadisit nudity is evil end of story.........now Mr. Kojima please tell us what have you been working on besides this Snake Eater game.
Kojima: Well I do have this really cool game coming out soon you see it works off of sunlight kinda like how a flower reacts to sunlight by growing longer.........
Snake take out a gun and points it at Barry.
Snake: One word and I shoot it off I swear to god..........
Maurice: Why thank you Snake.
Barry:.........dammit
Snake shoots Barry which causes everyone to look at Snake.
Snake: Well I never said which word did I........today it happened to be dammit tomorrow it could be roast beef..........so beware.
Barry (Horrified): Oh no now there will be no little Barrys
Snake and Kojima: Thank you god.
Maurice clears his throat.
Maurice: Ok now let's stay on topic shall we.........
Barry: Wait I think I may need a doctor it's bleeding pretty bad.
Maurice: Well your not getting one.........
Barry: Why not.........
Maurice: Because I hate you Stark you and your nude ways.........
Snake: Can we get on with this I want to finish the book..........errr I mean I gotta kill some terrorists.
Hideo: Pansy.
Snake glares at Kojima.
Maurice: Ok break it up you two. Now Mr. Kojima could you please tell us some of the things we may be expecting in this game.
Hideo: Oh I am very sorry Maurice but I like to keep my games a surprise the same way I did with Raiden.........
Snake immediately stands up and punches Hideo knocking him out of the chair.
Maurice: SNAKE!!!!!.........what is the hell are you doing man?
Snake: It was him Raiden.........that blonde moron all because of him.
Hideo shakes his head and sits back down.
Hideo: It's ok Maurice that happens a lot.........
Maurice: Really!?
Hideo: Yea many times a day.........I get hit by Snake fans, Raiden haters, even my own wife.
Maurice: But why?
Hideo (On the verge of tears): It's all because that one day.........I was working on Metal Gear Solid 2 and then it happened.
Maurice: What happened?
Hideo (Starts crying): A Backstreet Boys music video came on.........a........and.........the rest is history.
Snake: So that's how Raiden was created.........
Hideo (Calming down): Yes.........yes that's how it was done.
Maurice: .........OK I'M SO LOST RIGHT NOW CAN WE JUST STICK TO THE DAMN TOPIC YOU LUNATICS.
Barry: You know what a better topic is.........
Maurice unable to hold his anger about his show constantly going off topic leaps across the table and starts beating the living hell outta Barry.
Hideo: Hmmmm now if only we had a huge vat of Sprite.
Snake: GOD DAMMIT KOJIMA THERE WILL BE NO SPRITE WRESTLING.
Hideo: Awwww.........
Producer: Ummm I think it's time for a commercial.........
**Commercial**.
Announcer: Think Ocelot Gone Wild is wild enough wait until we put.........Liquid Snake behind the camera. That's right order Ocelot Gone Wild: Liquid Style.
***Very Scary Break dancing/Russian Porn Music***
Announcer: See not only the hot topless Russian action but also the hot topless British break dancing action. Buy today and get your own inflatable Revolver Ocelot doll. To order call: 1-800-YOU-NEED-HELP-IF-YOU-ACTAULLY- THINK-THIS-IS-REAL
**Commercial**
Back at the studio Maurice is sitting back down looking very pleased with himself. Barry is black and blue is places men weren't meant to be black and blue. Snake is back reading Harry Potter. And Hideo is talking on his cell phone.
Hideo: Yea just have the Sprite ready when I get home...ok...ok...bye.
Snake (still reading): You have problems you know that Kojima.
Maurice: Snake we're on again...
Snake about to throw the book out the window again but instead throws it at Barry.
Hideo: ...Uhhhhh is he supposed to be not talking...or moving...or breathing.
Maurice: No one cares that's the thing about Barry. Now getting back on topic...Mr.Kojima with us now we have a few screenshots of this remarkable game. Maybe you and Snake could tell us what's going on in these shots.
A screen comes down the first shot that appears shows Snake landing into the forest.
Hideo: Well obviously this is Snake diving into the jungle. See the detail in the trees my team did a most impressive job.
Snake: It would have been a little more impressive if you remembered to give me my parachute.
Hideo: Hmmmmm yea maybe your right.
Maurice: ...Ok now the next one
The next shot shows Snake eating a snake.
Hideo: Ok well this shot shows survival and how Snake must hunt.
Snake: Wrong again Kojima it shows that betting me 20 bucks will make me do some really weird shit.
Maurice: ...well there goes the little kids who like the show...next.
The next shot shows Snake diving off of the waterfall while the dogs are chasing him.
Hideo: Ahh yes this shot shows Snake dive off a waterfall rather then shoot dogs. Maybe even a sensitive side of him.
Snake: Well close Kojima but that scene wasn't even from the game.
Hideo: You were looking for Hogwarts in those Harry Potter' books again weren't you.
Snake: .yes.
Maurice: Ok we will do one more photo.
Barry: Anyone notice I haven't talked in a while. See how nudity gives you great self control.
Maurice and Snake stand up. Snake lifts up Barry. Maurice opens the window.and well I think we know where this is headed.
Snake: There we go much better.now where is this final screen.
Maurice: Oh yea.
The final shot shows Snake standing in the water while the forest behind him is on fire.
Hideo: Ohhhh I really liked this one. As you can see Snake is once again surviving in one of the most hazardous disasters a brushfire.
Snake: Ummm actually I had a gun and there was a huge pile of full gasoline cans.let's just say it wasn't a brushfire that god caused.
Hideo: DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT FIRE COST US.YOUNG MAN YOUR GROUNDED.
Snake: .wait a minute your not my father.Big Boss is.
Hideo: Uhhh well I am your creator so I overrule your father so there.
Maurice (sighs): Ok that's it this episode is over.
Snake: Wait Maurice.there's still a picture in this machine.
The screen changes to show a nude Barry doing aerobics.
Snake and Hideo: OH DEAR CHRIST.
Snake: I knew it Chavez.
Maurice: Uhhh I haven't a clue where that came from.
Producer: Ok that's it where ended this.
Maurice: Uhh yes of course.ahem thank you for watching yet another episode of Pressing Issues.I SWEAR TO GOD I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT PICTURE CAME FROM.