Title: The Gatrix Reloaded
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Summary: Trinity's got PMT, Daniel's kicking butt, Neo's suffering from post-hero depression and Jack and Sam follow the white rabbit (and subsequently fall down a rabbit hole.)
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Obviously, you all know what The Matrix is, and I certainly don't own any of it, so don't even try to sue me for it.
Details: Humour, Parody, SG-1/The Matrix Reloaded Crossover, Other Pairing, Daniel/Other. Unless you're British, you probably won't get the 'Specsavers' gag near the end.
Archive: My site, Heliopolis, Gateworld, Fanfiction.net, Stargatefan
~ The Gatrix Reloaded ~
Copyright (c) Ruth, 2003
**********
"SG-1, you have a go," Hammond said, and watched as his flagship team disappeared through the gate.
When on the other side, they knew that they were in trouble.
**********
Once again, everything was a nauseating shade of dark green, (even the trees) and the minute they stepped forwards they found themselves surrounded by Agent Smiths.
"Hello again, Mr Jackson," the first one drawled, holding a gun.
"Aw, crap!" Jack cursed.
Daniel shook his head, ran a hand back through his hair and cracked his neck menacingly. The Agent Smiths followed his lead.
Suddenly, Daniel leapt into the air and time seemed to stop. The Agent Smiths looked up at him as he fell back down on them, and began beating the crap out of them.
"Sweet!" Jack murmured, as Daniel took out two agents at the same time with the aid of Teal'c's staff weapon.
"They do not refer to Doctor Jackson as 'The Two' for no reason," Teal'c said, admiring his friend. "He is a warrior of considerable skill, O'Neill. Much more considerable than you."
Jack smarted, and turned away from Teal'c to walk along the side of a green river. Sam followed him, and Jack paused briefly.
"Oh, look - a cute little white rabbit!"
"Aw!" Sam smiled, "Let's follow the white rabbit!"
They then promptly fell down a rabbit hole.
**********
Trinity folded her arms and sniffed indignantly.
"I know you're thinking about...THAT woman!"
"Trinity, honey, honestly, Persephone meant nothing to me..." Neo protested, trying to lay a hand on her back.
"I'm not talking about Persephone!" Trinity snapped, "I'm talking about that woman who came through the TV!"
"Sam?" Neo asked, suddenly remembering, "Sam..." he said dreamily.
SLAP
"Ow!" Neo cursed, rubbing his cheek, "Trinity, what's wrong with you?"
"I am in love with you!" she shouted, "And you keep going out with tarts like Persephone and that woman!"
"I didn't go out with Persephone!" Neo protested, "I only kissed her!"
SLAP
"Ow!"
"Well, hear this, 'One'. That brown-haired guy, you know - 'The Two?' His butt was nicer than yours!" Trinity said, storming out of the room and slamming the door.
Morpheus walked in and looked at Neo.
"What's wrong with her?" He asked, sitting down beside Neo.
Neo shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe it's her 'time of the month.'
Morpheus and Neo snickered.
"I HEARD THAT YOU F*** PAIR OF B****!"
SLAP
"Ow!"
"Ow!"
**********
"Oh, not again!" Jack moaned.
He was once again floating in the mainframe of The Matrix. He recalled their past customer service standards to be appalling, so he obviously wasn't pleased to be back.
"Sam?" he called.
"Yeah?" she replied.
"Just checking you're still there," Jack said, "But I still can't see my arms or my legs...or my body."
"Damn!" Sam quipped.
Jack smirked.
"Jack, I can't see your face, but I'm guessing that there's a smirk on it somewhere."
"I'm guessing the same. Now, how long do you think it will be before we get the Matrix helpline?"
"Well, it'd better be quicker than last time - and we'd better not fall out of the TV again. Did my hair no end of trouble..."
"Hello. You have reached the Matrix Helpline. If you're looking for information about things to see and do in The Matrix, press 1. If you're lost and looking for directions, press 2. If you're interested in purchasing The One's nude calendar, press 3. If you're looking for the nearest casualty department, press 4. If you're heading for Zion and can't remember your pass code, press 5. If you're waiting to book cinema tickets, press 6. If you'd like to book a table at the Dataside restaurant, press 7."
"Option 2," Jack said, wondering how much it would cost to book a table at the dataside restaurant.
"You have selected option 2. Please hold the data stream."
CHEERY CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
"D'oh!"
**********
Daniel landed back on the ground and took a deep breath. There were even more agents than when he had started! Grabbing Teal'c's staff weapon, he started by beating the men away from him, but they were now appearing from everywhere.
"Agh!" Daniel shouted as one of the Agents stuck his hand into his chest.
"You'll enjoy being an Agent, Mr Jackson," he drawled.
"I don't think so!" Daniel grimaced, pushing down hard on Teal'c's staff weapon and shooting up into the air, much to the surprise of the Agents.
Teal'c grinned. "He is indeed a superior warrior, even to you O'Neill. I-"
Teal'c turned around, and realised with annoyance that Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill were not there.
Daniel stuck the staff weapon into the ground and threw himself into the air, using the stick as a support. He then proceeded to kick the agents as he spun around, feeling more and more nauseated by the minute.
"Go Daniel!" Teal'c chanted, "It's your birthday, Go Daniel!"
**********
"Thank you for holding the data stream. You have selected option 2. The Matrix is now transferring you to a random exit point. We hope you have enjoyed your stay. Please accept our free complimentary napkins at the drop-off point. Please wait for further instruction."
"Ooh," Jack said excitedly, "Napkins!"
"Jack, shut up," Sam moaned, wishing that she could put her head in her hands (the fact that she could feel neither prevented her from doing this.)
Suddenly, they began to fall rapidly downwards.
"I don't like this bit!" Jack yelled.
"Please note that The Matrix cannot be held responsible for any loss or damage to body parts. Do not wear hats on the ride. Thank you for choosing The Matrix travel, and we hope you will come again soon."
"Aaaaaagh!"
Once again, both Sam and Jack found themselves lurched to a sudden halt.
"The Matrix would like to request that to avoid further discomfort you unplug yourself from the 'fake' world and enter the 'real' world. Thank you for your patience, we hope you have a safe journey."
They began to fall again, this time towards a round-shaped hole in the floor beneath them.
"AAAGGGHHH!"
**********
Trinity stormed into her room and slammed the door shut behind her, throwing off her jacket and collapsing onto her bed. She sighed deeply. Neo and Morpheus were being such pigs lately. In the back of her mind she could still see the brown-haired, gentle archaeologist who she had met just a few months previously, who had become 'The Two.' She smiled at the memory of him and twisted over on the bed, pulling a drawer out of her cupboard and grabbing a bar of chocolate. She stuffed it into her mouth quickly and waited for the despair about her weight to kick in.
Meanwhile, Neo sat in the laundry room glumly, watching the washing machine go round and round. He didn't know why they still had one. Theoretically, it was still counted as a machine and they should have gotten rid of it, but, like the dishwasher, it had proved invaluable when he just couldn't be assed to do the chores by hand.
Suddenly, the machine stopped, and made an unhealthy choking noise. Neo stood up and looked warily at it.
"Whhromcdfmdod!" the machine said, as if someone was talking through a mouthful of water.
"Hello?" Neo asked.
"IDNDMASOASPSP!" the voice replied, more agitated this time.
"Who's there?" Neo asked, bending down next to the machine.
"It's Morpheus," a voice said dryly, "He's blowing water up his nose with a straw and trying to talk."
Neo turned around to see Trinity framed in the doorway, and Morpheus, with two straws stuffed up his nose.
"Morpheus!" Neo moaned, "That is SO not funny!"
"Ooh!" Morpheus said, "Someone's been in a bit of a stress since 'The Two' was discovered!"
"Shut up!" Neo snarled.
"You have a point," Trinity smiled, "His performances in bed have been of a much lower level since Daniel arrived."
"Trinity!" Neo hissed, and Morpheus giggled.
"Dear me, Neo. Got trouble standing to attention?" he sniggered.
"Get lost, both of you," Neo snapped, getting up and storming out of the room.
Trinity and Morpheus looked at each other and burst out laughing.
Suddenly, the washing machine exploded.
BANG!
When they'd recovered from the shock of the explosion, they saw two familiar figures sitting in the soapsuds.
Trinity snarled, her hackles rising.
"Hey, bitch!"
Sam glared back.
"What's the matter?" she asked, "You and your boyfriend having relationship problems?"
"You wanna make something of it?" Trinity asked, her voice rising.
"YEAH!" Sam shouted back, standing up and squaring her shoulders as Trinity walked closer.
"BRING IT ON!" Trinity yelled, pushing Sam back into the machines.
"OH YEAH?" Sam asked, retaliating with a kick that sent Trinity flying.
Jack and Morpheus watched in amazement as both women fell to the floor and began to roll around, fighting.
"You know," Morpheus said, "This would be so much better with jam..."
**********
Daniel fell to the ground exhaustedly and watched as smoke began to rise from the ground.
"Daniel Jackson," Teal'c warned, "We must leave quickly now you have agitated Agent Smith and his brothers."
"I take it we've gotta go through the Matrix again," Daniel groaned, "God, I hate that thing!"
"As do I," Teal'c replied, "But it is a necessary step, Daniel Jackson."
"Oh look!" Daniel smiled, "A white rabbit!"
"I believe we must follow it," Teal'c stated, and fell straight down a rabbit hole, with Daniel close behind him.
**********
"Whore!"
GRUNTING
SLAP
"Ow!"
SLAP
GRUNTING
"Bitch!"
"Um...don't you think we should do something?" Jack asked.
"Are you outta your mind?" Morpheus shouted, "How often do you think it is that we get to see two beautiful women wrestling in soap suds?"
"That is a very good point."
**********
"Hello. You have reached the Matrix Helpline. If you're looking for information about things to see and do in The Matrix, press 1. If you're lost and looking for directions, press 2. If you're interested in purchasing The One's nude calendar, press 3. If you're looking for the nearest casualty department, press 4. If you're heading for Zion and can't remember your pass code, press 5. If you're waiting to book cinema tickets, press 6. If you'd like to book a table at the Dataside restaurant, press 7."
"Option 2," Teal'c replied boredly.
"You have selected option 2. Please hold the data stream."
CHEERY CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
Daniel sighed. "I really do get very bored of this."
Suddenly, a whirring noise started.
"The Two code detected...The Two code detected...we are now transferring you to a safe exit point. Have a nice day!"
"Sweet!" Daniel grinned. Suddenly, everything went black. When things became clear again, they found themselves in a room with grey walls, and they could hear sounds of a scuffle from the next room. Quickly, they entered, and were shocked to see Sam and Trinity fighting each other in a pool of soap suds from the washing machine.
"Sam!" Daniel shouted, and made a move towards them.
At the sound of Daniel's voice, Trinity leapt to her feet and ran at him, throwing her arms around him and kissing him passionately. Neo nearly fainted with shock.
"Trinity?" he squeaked.
"I love you, Doctor Jackson," she growled, "I love you..."
Daniel was now looking very scared indeed.
"Uh...well...thanks Trinity, but I really don't..."
Neo sniffed and walked out of the room, trying hard not to cry.
"What's with him?" Jack asked, jerking his thumb at Neo's retreating backside.
"We think he's suffering from post-hero depression," Morpheus explained, "It's because your friend here is demonstrating similar if not better powers than himself, and he just hasn't got over it yet."
"Come this way, doctor!" Trinity growled, grabbing hold of his shirt and dragging him out of the room, wriggling in protest.
"Jack!" he squeaked, "HELP!"
Jack sniggered. "Enjoy, buddy!"
**********
Meanwhile, Neo sat alone in his room, sniffing sadly and looking at the space on the floor where the television had once been. He was brought round from his thoughts when there was a knock at the door, and Sam entered.
"Hey," she offered, "I'm sorry about Trinity."
Neo shrugged. "That's okay. She gets like this every once in a while, she's just been more vicious this time. I think it's because you're here. She feels...threatened by you."
"Really?" Sam asked, "Wow, I never thought I'd hear anybody say that about me."
Neo got up and began to pace around the room.
"Are you alright?" Sam asked, "You seem tense."
"I don't know...it's just...what with Doctor Jackson becoming 'The Two,' you know..."
Sam smiled warmly. "Daniel's just as confused as you are, but even if he isn't - you're still 'The One', Neo."
Neo muttered something under his breath that Sam didn't quite catch.
"You know what I do?" Sam asked, "When I'm feeling sad?"
"What?" Neo asked.
"I eat chocolate," she smiled, "Chocolate bars, chocolate cake, chocolate mousse, anything."
"But there is no spoon," Neo groaned, "How am I supposed to eat chocolate without a spoon?"
Sam sighed. Poor Neo was clearly in need of professional help.
**********
Meanwhile, Daniel was in serious trouble trying to get away from Trinity.
"Uh...Trinity..." he begged, scrambling up one of the curtains, "I like you, but we really don't need to mess things up by doing this..."
"But I love you!" she cried, clawing at the bottom of the curtain.
Daniel bit back a shriek and tried to climb higher.
"HELP!" he shouted, "Somebody! PLEASE!"
**********
"HELP! Somebody! PLEASE!"
Sam heard Daniel's cries of horror and raced through into the next room to see him trembling, clutching hold of the curtain rail whilst Trinity hung off of the bottom of the material, grinning and clawing at the curtain.
"Trinity!" Sam shouted, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Trinity turned around to see Sam and her eyes flashed angrily.
"Oh, sh-"
Sam turned on her heel and ran, as Trinity began to chase after her. She had absolutely no idea where she was going, and soon found herself in a dark green parking lot. She selected herself a dark green motorbike and jumped on, roaring off towards the nearest exit.
"I'll get you!" Trinity snapped, getting on her own motorbike and riding off after her.
At that moment, the lift doors opened and Jack and Morpheus ran out cheering.
"Whoo!"
"Go Trinity!"
"Quick," Morpheus said, "If we can catch hold of a truck, we can sit on the top and watch them."
"Good idea," Jack replied, "Can you get hold of any popcorn?"
"Sure," Morpheus said, "But we've gotta hurry. Follow me."
**********
Sam raced out onto the freeway and wasted no time in accelerating to her top speed. As she weaved in and out of the traffic, she cast a look in her rear-view mirror and saw Trinity was still close behind her, waving a French stick menacingly.
As she sped up, out of the corner of her eye Sam could also see Jack and Morpheus sitting on top of a truck, eating popcorn and cheering.
She shook her head in disbelief, but stopped when her motorbike began to make an unhealthy noise. She turned around to see that Trinity had jammed the French stick into her back wheel, and it wasn't doing the motorbike any good at all (it was, however, producing great croutons.) She braked suddenly and turned around to face the other way, heading straight into the oncoming traffic.
"Nnnnnnooooooooooo!" Jack cried, "Morpheus! We're gonna miss the end!!"
"Have no fear, old man!" Morpheus cried, "Look - behind us, a truck piled high with scooters!"
"Wow," Jack said, "Morpheus, you're a ge - SCOOTERS?"
"On three, we jump," Morpheus said, cradling his can of beer. "One, two, THREE!"
So they jumped. Jack unfortunately landed next to the pink scooter and Morpheus next to the blue.
"Can we swap?" Jack asked.
"You think I'm riding a pink scooter?" Morpheus snorted, "No way. Get on!"
Jack grumbled and got on the scooter.
"Operator," Morpheus said, "We need a program to hot-wire some scooters."
"Coming up," the operator replied, supplying Morpheus with the program.
In just under a minute, they were ready to go.
They launched themselves off of the truck and back down onto the freeway, where they travelled along at a leisurely thirteen-and-a-half miles an hour.
**********
Back at Zion, Neo was still depressed. He was sitting in his room, feeling sorry for himself, when Doctor Jackson entered.
"Hi!" Daniel smiled, "Can I sit down?"
"Feel free," Neo said, offering him a seat next to the table.
"Uh...Neo...we need to talk."
"I know. It's just...I've been feeling so insecure about this whole business with you being 'The Two.'"
"I know, that is totally how I feel too," Daniel nodded.
"Really?" Neo asked.
"Oh, yeah," Daniel continued, "Normally, it's my job to get my butt kicked, not to kick butt. It's been quite scary."
"But you do have the power," Neo continued, "You are The Two.''
"Yes, I am," Daniel said gently, "But you are The One, Neo. The one! You are the number-one guy! Everyone looks up to you, I mean - for goodness' sake, you're an action figure!"
"That's true," Neo smiled, "Even though it looks nothing like me."
"But they cared enough to try and make you an action figure," Daniel explained.
"Neo, you are the single most important man in Zion, and probably the entire world! You don't need to worry or be depressed - you are the world' hero, YOU."
Neo smiled. "Yeah. Yeah! I am! Oh, thanks Doctor Jackson!"
He embraced Daniel in a tight hug that nearly suffocated him.
"Oh, by the way, I'm sorry about Trinity. She gets like that quite a lot. We're gonna have to start locking her in a room or something." Neo explained.
"It must be tough," Daniel commented, "Though I must say, I was quite flattered by the attention."
**********
"Come on!" Jack screamed at his pink scooter, "Go faster!"
"We are going as fast as the scooters are equipped to!" Morpheus shouted.
"TWENTY MILES AN HOUR?" Jack shouted, "I've had faster things come out of my nose!"
"Well, what do you suggest we do?" Morpheus shouted back, "The ladies are still waaay ahead of us!"
"Look," Jack said, "That hot-dog van must be doing at least fifty - can we get onto that?"
"Your mathematical skill is appalling," Morpheus shuddered. "If we are doing twenty, and we are level with the hot-dog van, how can it possibly be doing fifty?"
"Shut up!" Jack shouted, "Whilst we're on the subject of stupidity - your glasses! You should have gone to specsavers, mate! I mean, what is going on with those?"
"THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!" Morpheus protested, "Neo said they brought out the colour of my eyes."
"HA!" Jack laughed so loud that he nearly fell off of his scooter.
"There's a freeway exit here," Morpheus said, "Let's turn off. I think we've missed the best of the action."
Just as they turned the corner, however, they saw two grounded motorbikes and two women rolling around on the sidewalk, beating each other with their fists.
Jack got off of his scooter and raced over to Sam, pulling her off of Trinity.
"Come on!" He said, "We've gotta go!"
"You...bitch!" Trinity spat. Morpheus grabbed hold of her, took a handkerchief from his pocket, and covered her eyes with it.
"Wild animals are supposed to calm down if you cover their eyes," he explained.
Trinity thrashed around for a bit, but then lay still in his arms.
"Come on," said Morpheus, getting back on his scooter with Trinity. "Let's go home."
**********
When they got back, they found Daniel and Neo doing a spot of male bonding over a game of Jenga.
Unfortunately, it was time for them to go home. Sam and Trinity still had to be kept apart, but Trinity was much calmer now she had the handkerchief over her eyes.
"We'll see you soon," Jack grinned, picking up the telephone.
***********
"Hello. You have reached The Matrix return travel line. Please accept our free lemon-scented napkins."
***********
"Neo," Morpheus said, "I need you to be truthful with me."
"Yes?" Neo asked, digging into a piece of chocolate cake (without a spoon of course, because there isn't one.)
"My...glasses...do you think they look...okay?"
"Yeah!" Neo smiled, "Sure."
A small voice grunted from the corner of the room. It was Trinity, locked in a cage.
"You should have gone to specsavers," she smirked.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Author's Note: You'll probably have to wait a while for The Gatrix Revolutions, because I haven't seen it yet. Feedback, anyone?
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Summary: Trinity's got PMT, Daniel's kicking butt, Neo's suffering from post-hero depression and Jack and Sam follow the white rabbit (and subsequently fall down a rabbit hole.)
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Obviously, you all know what The Matrix is, and I certainly don't own any of it, so don't even try to sue me for it.
Details: Humour, Parody, SG-1/The Matrix Reloaded Crossover, Other Pairing, Daniel/Other. Unless you're British, you probably won't get the 'Specsavers' gag near the end.
Archive: My site, Heliopolis, Gateworld, Fanfiction.net, Stargatefan
~ The Gatrix Reloaded ~
Copyright (c) Ruth, 2003
**********
"SG-1, you have a go," Hammond said, and watched as his flagship team disappeared through the gate.
When on the other side, they knew that they were in trouble.
**********
Once again, everything was a nauseating shade of dark green, (even the trees) and the minute they stepped forwards they found themselves surrounded by Agent Smiths.
"Hello again, Mr Jackson," the first one drawled, holding a gun.
"Aw, crap!" Jack cursed.
Daniel shook his head, ran a hand back through his hair and cracked his neck menacingly. The Agent Smiths followed his lead.
Suddenly, Daniel leapt into the air and time seemed to stop. The Agent Smiths looked up at him as he fell back down on them, and began beating the crap out of them.
"Sweet!" Jack murmured, as Daniel took out two agents at the same time with the aid of Teal'c's staff weapon.
"They do not refer to Doctor Jackson as 'The Two' for no reason," Teal'c said, admiring his friend. "He is a warrior of considerable skill, O'Neill. Much more considerable than you."
Jack smarted, and turned away from Teal'c to walk along the side of a green river. Sam followed him, and Jack paused briefly.
"Oh, look - a cute little white rabbit!"
"Aw!" Sam smiled, "Let's follow the white rabbit!"
They then promptly fell down a rabbit hole.
**********
Trinity folded her arms and sniffed indignantly.
"I know you're thinking about...THAT woman!"
"Trinity, honey, honestly, Persephone meant nothing to me..." Neo protested, trying to lay a hand on her back.
"I'm not talking about Persephone!" Trinity snapped, "I'm talking about that woman who came through the TV!"
"Sam?" Neo asked, suddenly remembering, "Sam..." he said dreamily.
SLAP
"Ow!" Neo cursed, rubbing his cheek, "Trinity, what's wrong with you?"
"I am in love with you!" she shouted, "And you keep going out with tarts like Persephone and that woman!"
"I didn't go out with Persephone!" Neo protested, "I only kissed her!"
SLAP
"Ow!"
"Well, hear this, 'One'. That brown-haired guy, you know - 'The Two?' His butt was nicer than yours!" Trinity said, storming out of the room and slamming the door.
Morpheus walked in and looked at Neo.
"What's wrong with her?" He asked, sitting down beside Neo.
Neo shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe it's her 'time of the month.'
Morpheus and Neo snickered.
"I HEARD THAT YOU F*** PAIR OF B****!"
SLAP
"Ow!"
"Ow!"
**********
"Oh, not again!" Jack moaned.
He was once again floating in the mainframe of The Matrix. He recalled their past customer service standards to be appalling, so he obviously wasn't pleased to be back.
"Sam?" he called.
"Yeah?" she replied.
"Just checking you're still there," Jack said, "But I still can't see my arms or my legs...or my body."
"Damn!" Sam quipped.
Jack smirked.
"Jack, I can't see your face, but I'm guessing that there's a smirk on it somewhere."
"I'm guessing the same. Now, how long do you think it will be before we get the Matrix helpline?"
"Well, it'd better be quicker than last time - and we'd better not fall out of the TV again. Did my hair no end of trouble..."
"Hello. You have reached the Matrix Helpline. If you're looking for information about things to see and do in The Matrix, press 1. If you're lost and looking for directions, press 2. If you're interested in purchasing The One's nude calendar, press 3. If you're looking for the nearest casualty department, press 4. If you're heading for Zion and can't remember your pass code, press 5. If you're waiting to book cinema tickets, press 6. If you'd like to book a table at the Dataside restaurant, press 7."
"Option 2," Jack said, wondering how much it would cost to book a table at the dataside restaurant.
"You have selected option 2. Please hold the data stream."
CHEERY CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
"D'oh!"
**********
Daniel landed back on the ground and took a deep breath. There were even more agents than when he had started! Grabbing Teal'c's staff weapon, he started by beating the men away from him, but they were now appearing from everywhere.
"Agh!" Daniel shouted as one of the Agents stuck his hand into his chest.
"You'll enjoy being an Agent, Mr Jackson," he drawled.
"I don't think so!" Daniel grimaced, pushing down hard on Teal'c's staff weapon and shooting up into the air, much to the surprise of the Agents.
Teal'c grinned. "He is indeed a superior warrior, even to you O'Neill. I-"
Teal'c turned around, and realised with annoyance that Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill were not there.
Daniel stuck the staff weapon into the ground and threw himself into the air, using the stick as a support. He then proceeded to kick the agents as he spun around, feeling more and more nauseated by the minute.
"Go Daniel!" Teal'c chanted, "It's your birthday, Go Daniel!"
**********
"Thank you for holding the data stream. You have selected option 2. The Matrix is now transferring you to a random exit point. We hope you have enjoyed your stay. Please accept our free complimentary napkins at the drop-off point. Please wait for further instruction."
"Ooh," Jack said excitedly, "Napkins!"
"Jack, shut up," Sam moaned, wishing that she could put her head in her hands (the fact that she could feel neither prevented her from doing this.)
Suddenly, they began to fall rapidly downwards.
"I don't like this bit!" Jack yelled.
"Please note that The Matrix cannot be held responsible for any loss or damage to body parts. Do not wear hats on the ride. Thank you for choosing The Matrix travel, and we hope you will come again soon."
"Aaaaaagh!"
Once again, both Sam and Jack found themselves lurched to a sudden halt.
"The Matrix would like to request that to avoid further discomfort you unplug yourself from the 'fake' world and enter the 'real' world. Thank you for your patience, we hope you have a safe journey."
They began to fall again, this time towards a round-shaped hole in the floor beneath them.
"AAAGGGHHH!"
**********
Trinity stormed into her room and slammed the door shut behind her, throwing off her jacket and collapsing onto her bed. She sighed deeply. Neo and Morpheus were being such pigs lately. In the back of her mind she could still see the brown-haired, gentle archaeologist who she had met just a few months previously, who had become 'The Two.' She smiled at the memory of him and twisted over on the bed, pulling a drawer out of her cupboard and grabbing a bar of chocolate. She stuffed it into her mouth quickly and waited for the despair about her weight to kick in.
Meanwhile, Neo sat in the laundry room glumly, watching the washing machine go round and round. He didn't know why they still had one. Theoretically, it was still counted as a machine and they should have gotten rid of it, but, like the dishwasher, it had proved invaluable when he just couldn't be assed to do the chores by hand.
Suddenly, the machine stopped, and made an unhealthy choking noise. Neo stood up and looked warily at it.
"Whhromcdfmdod!" the machine said, as if someone was talking through a mouthful of water.
"Hello?" Neo asked.
"IDNDMASOASPSP!" the voice replied, more agitated this time.
"Who's there?" Neo asked, bending down next to the machine.
"It's Morpheus," a voice said dryly, "He's blowing water up his nose with a straw and trying to talk."
Neo turned around to see Trinity framed in the doorway, and Morpheus, with two straws stuffed up his nose.
"Morpheus!" Neo moaned, "That is SO not funny!"
"Ooh!" Morpheus said, "Someone's been in a bit of a stress since 'The Two' was discovered!"
"Shut up!" Neo snarled.
"You have a point," Trinity smiled, "His performances in bed have been of a much lower level since Daniel arrived."
"Trinity!" Neo hissed, and Morpheus giggled.
"Dear me, Neo. Got trouble standing to attention?" he sniggered.
"Get lost, both of you," Neo snapped, getting up and storming out of the room.
Trinity and Morpheus looked at each other and burst out laughing.
Suddenly, the washing machine exploded.
BANG!
When they'd recovered from the shock of the explosion, they saw two familiar figures sitting in the soapsuds.
Trinity snarled, her hackles rising.
"Hey, bitch!"
Sam glared back.
"What's the matter?" she asked, "You and your boyfriend having relationship problems?"
"You wanna make something of it?" Trinity asked, her voice rising.
"YEAH!" Sam shouted back, standing up and squaring her shoulders as Trinity walked closer.
"BRING IT ON!" Trinity yelled, pushing Sam back into the machines.
"OH YEAH?" Sam asked, retaliating with a kick that sent Trinity flying.
Jack and Morpheus watched in amazement as both women fell to the floor and began to roll around, fighting.
"You know," Morpheus said, "This would be so much better with jam..."
**********
Daniel fell to the ground exhaustedly and watched as smoke began to rise from the ground.
"Daniel Jackson," Teal'c warned, "We must leave quickly now you have agitated Agent Smith and his brothers."
"I take it we've gotta go through the Matrix again," Daniel groaned, "God, I hate that thing!"
"As do I," Teal'c replied, "But it is a necessary step, Daniel Jackson."
"Oh look!" Daniel smiled, "A white rabbit!"
"I believe we must follow it," Teal'c stated, and fell straight down a rabbit hole, with Daniel close behind him.
**********
"Whore!"
GRUNTING
SLAP
"Ow!"
SLAP
GRUNTING
"Bitch!"
"Um...don't you think we should do something?" Jack asked.
"Are you outta your mind?" Morpheus shouted, "How often do you think it is that we get to see two beautiful women wrestling in soap suds?"
"That is a very good point."
**********
"Hello. You have reached the Matrix Helpline. If you're looking for information about things to see and do in The Matrix, press 1. If you're lost and looking for directions, press 2. If you're interested in purchasing The One's nude calendar, press 3. If you're looking for the nearest casualty department, press 4. If you're heading for Zion and can't remember your pass code, press 5. If you're waiting to book cinema tickets, press 6. If you'd like to book a table at the Dataside restaurant, press 7."
"Option 2," Teal'c replied boredly.
"You have selected option 2. Please hold the data stream."
CHEERY CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
Daniel sighed. "I really do get very bored of this."
Suddenly, a whirring noise started.
"The Two code detected...The Two code detected...we are now transferring you to a safe exit point. Have a nice day!"
"Sweet!" Daniel grinned. Suddenly, everything went black. When things became clear again, they found themselves in a room with grey walls, and they could hear sounds of a scuffle from the next room. Quickly, they entered, and were shocked to see Sam and Trinity fighting each other in a pool of soap suds from the washing machine.
"Sam!" Daniel shouted, and made a move towards them.
At the sound of Daniel's voice, Trinity leapt to her feet and ran at him, throwing her arms around him and kissing him passionately. Neo nearly fainted with shock.
"Trinity?" he squeaked.
"I love you, Doctor Jackson," she growled, "I love you..."
Daniel was now looking very scared indeed.
"Uh...well...thanks Trinity, but I really don't..."
Neo sniffed and walked out of the room, trying hard not to cry.
"What's with him?" Jack asked, jerking his thumb at Neo's retreating backside.
"We think he's suffering from post-hero depression," Morpheus explained, "It's because your friend here is demonstrating similar if not better powers than himself, and he just hasn't got over it yet."
"Come this way, doctor!" Trinity growled, grabbing hold of his shirt and dragging him out of the room, wriggling in protest.
"Jack!" he squeaked, "HELP!"
Jack sniggered. "Enjoy, buddy!"
**********
Meanwhile, Neo sat alone in his room, sniffing sadly and looking at the space on the floor where the television had once been. He was brought round from his thoughts when there was a knock at the door, and Sam entered.
"Hey," she offered, "I'm sorry about Trinity."
Neo shrugged. "That's okay. She gets like this every once in a while, she's just been more vicious this time. I think it's because you're here. She feels...threatened by you."
"Really?" Sam asked, "Wow, I never thought I'd hear anybody say that about me."
Neo got up and began to pace around the room.
"Are you alright?" Sam asked, "You seem tense."
"I don't know...it's just...what with Doctor Jackson becoming 'The Two,' you know..."
Sam smiled warmly. "Daniel's just as confused as you are, but even if he isn't - you're still 'The One', Neo."
Neo muttered something under his breath that Sam didn't quite catch.
"You know what I do?" Sam asked, "When I'm feeling sad?"
"What?" Neo asked.
"I eat chocolate," she smiled, "Chocolate bars, chocolate cake, chocolate mousse, anything."
"But there is no spoon," Neo groaned, "How am I supposed to eat chocolate without a spoon?"
Sam sighed. Poor Neo was clearly in need of professional help.
**********
Meanwhile, Daniel was in serious trouble trying to get away from Trinity.
"Uh...Trinity..." he begged, scrambling up one of the curtains, "I like you, but we really don't need to mess things up by doing this..."
"But I love you!" she cried, clawing at the bottom of the curtain.
Daniel bit back a shriek and tried to climb higher.
"HELP!" he shouted, "Somebody! PLEASE!"
**********
"HELP! Somebody! PLEASE!"
Sam heard Daniel's cries of horror and raced through into the next room to see him trembling, clutching hold of the curtain rail whilst Trinity hung off of the bottom of the material, grinning and clawing at the curtain.
"Trinity!" Sam shouted, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Trinity turned around to see Sam and her eyes flashed angrily.
"Oh, sh-"
Sam turned on her heel and ran, as Trinity began to chase after her. She had absolutely no idea where she was going, and soon found herself in a dark green parking lot. She selected herself a dark green motorbike and jumped on, roaring off towards the nearest exit.
"I'll get you!" Trinity snapped, getting on her own motorbike and riding off after her.
At that moment, the lift doors opened and Jack and Morpheus ran out cheering.
"Whoo!"
"Go Trinity!"
"Quick," Morpheus said, "If we can catch hold of a truck, we can sit on the top and watch them."
"Good idea," Jack replied, "Can you get hold of any popcorn?"
"Sure," Morpheus said, "But we've gotta hurry. Follow me."
**********
Sam raced out onto the freeway and wasted no time in accelerating to her top speed. As she weaved in and out of the traffic, she cast a look in her rear-view mirror and saw Trinity was still close behind her, waving a French stick menacingly.
As she sped up, out of the corner of her eye Sam could also see Jack and Morpheus sitting on top of a truck, eating popcorn and cheering.
She shook her head in disbelief, but stopped when her motorbike began to make an unhealthy noise. She turned around to see that Trinity had jammed the French stick into her back wheel, and it wasn't doing the motorbike any good at all (it was, however, producing great croutons.) She braked suddenly and turned around to face the other way, heading straight into the oncoming traffic.
"Nnnnnnooooooooooo!" Jack cried, "Morpheus! We're gonna miss the end!!"
"Have no fear, old man!" Morpheus cried, "Look - behind us, a truck piled high with scooters!"
"Wow," Jack said, "Morpheus, you're a ge - SCOOTERS?"
"On three, we jump," Morpheus said, cradling his can of beer. "One, two, THREE!"
So they jumped. Jack unfortunately landed next to the pink scooter and Morpheus next to the blue.
"Can we swap?" Jack asked.
"You think I'm riding a pink scooter?" Morpheus snorted, "No way. Get on!"
Jack grumbled and got on the scooter.
"Operator," Morpheus said, "We need a program to hot-wire some scooters."
"Coming up," the operator replied, supplying Morpheus with the program.
In just under a minute, they were ready to go.
They launched themselves off of the truck and back down onto the freeway, where they travelled along at a leisurely thirteen-and-a-half miles an hour.
**********
Back at Zion, Neo was still depressed. He was sitting in his room, feeling sorry for himself, when Doctor Jackson entered.
"Hi!" Daniel smiled, "Can I sit down?"
"Feel free," Neo said, offering him a seat next to the table.
"Uh...Neo...we need to talk."
"I know. It's just...I've been feeling so insecure about this whole business with you being 'The Two.'"
"I know, that is totally how I feel too," Daniel nodded.
"Really?" Neo asked.
"Oh, yeah," Daniel continued, "Normally, it's my job to get my butt kicked, not to kick butt. It's been quite scary."
"But you do have the power," Neo continued, "You are The Two.''
"Yes, I am," Daniel said gently, "But you are The One, Neo. The one! You are the number-one guy! Everyone looks up to you, I mean - for goodness' sake, you're an action figure!"
"That's true," Neo smiled, "Even though it looks nothing like me."
"But they cared enough to try and make you an action figure," Daniel explained.
"Neo, you are the single most important man in Zion, and probably the entire world! You don't need to worry or be depressed - you are the world' hero, YOU."
Neo smiled. "Yeah. Yeah! I am! Oh, thanks Doctor Jackson!"
He embraced Daniel in a tight hug that nearly suffocated him.
"Oh, by the way, I'm sorry about Trinity. She gets like that quite a lot. We're gonna have to start locking her in a room or something." Neo explained.
"It must be tough," Daniel commented, "Though I must say, I was quite flattered by the attention."
**********
"Come on!" Jack screamed at his pink scooter, "Go faster!"
"We are going as fast as the scooters are equipped to!" Morpheus shouted.
"TWENTY MILES AN HOUR?" Jack shouted, "I've had faster things come out of my nose!"
"Well, what do you suggest we do?" Morpheus shouted back, "The ladies are still waaay ahead of us!"
"Look," Jack said, "That hot-dog van must be doing at least fifty - can we get onto that?"
"Your mathematical skill is appalling," Morpheus shuddered. "If we are doing twenty, and we are level with the hot-dog van, how can it possibly be doing fifty?"
"Shut up!" Jack shouted, "Whilst we're on the subject of stupidity - your glasses! You should have gone to specsavers, mate! I mean, what is going on with those?"
"THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!" Morpheus protested, "Neo said they brought out the colour of my eyes."
"HA!" Jack laughed so loud that he nearly fell off of his scooter.
"There's a freeway exit here," Morpheus said, "Let's turn off. I think we've missed the best of the action."
Just as they turned the corner, however, they saw two grounded motorbikes and two women rolling around on the sidewalk, beating each other with their fists.
Jack got off of his scooter and raced over to Sam, pulling her off of Trinity.
"Come on!" He said, "We've gotta go!"
"You...bitch!" Trinity spat. Morpheus grabbed hold of her, took a handkerchief from his pocket, and covered her eyes with it.
"Wild animals are supposed to calm down if you cover their eyes," he explained.
Trinity thrashed around for a bit, but then lay still in his arms.
"Come on," said Morpheus, getting back on his scooter with Trinity. "Let's go home."
**********
When they got back, they found Daniel and Neo doing a spot of male bonding over a game of Jenga.
Unfortunately, it was time for them to go home. Sam and Trinity still had to be kept apart, but Trinity was much calmer now she had the handkerchief over her eyes.
"We'll see you soon," Jack grinned, picking up the telephone.
***********
"Hello. You have reached The Matrix return travel line. Please accept our free lemon-scented napkins."
***********
"Neo," Morpheus said, "I need you to be truthful with me."
"Yes?" Neo asked, digging into a piece of chocolate cake (without a spoon of course, because there isn't one.)
"My...glasses...do you think they look...okay?"
"Yeah!" Neo smiled, "Sure."
A small voice grunted from the corner of the room. It was Trinity, locked in a cage.
"You should have gone to specsavers," she smirked.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Author's Note: You'll probably have to wait a while for The Gatrix Revolutions, because I haven't seen it yet. Feedback, anyone?