Title: Our Butterfly
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Gentle, Gentle
Summary: G/S 'You'll remember me when the west wind moves, upon the fields of barley' - Sara and Grissom remember a night 5 years ago.
Disclaimer: The characters and CSI don't belong to me, they belong to AZ, CBS etc …
***
With each step his legs grew heavier as the emotion of the day began to wear him down not only emotionally but physically. He didn't even know why he was here it's not like it would help; they'd barely said a word to each other about the past they shared since she arrived in Las Vegas but still here he was stood in front of her door hoping that his journey wouldn't be wasted and she would let him in.
Once he got inside was where the forward thinking ended what he was going to say was a blur and how she would react he didn't even want to risk guessing. She was a mystery to him despite the long nights spent talking of their shared passions when they had first met he realised the Sara he knew then was in no way the Sara that he worked with now.
He needed to talk to someone that would understand even though throughout the case she'd never shown any signs of emotion despite the sensitive nature he needed to try. A part of him knew he was being selfish opening old wounds because he needed to talk about it but the other part reasoned that he was doing it for her as well. It had been 5 years and she'd never once spoken about it, he knew she'd buried it deep within in a hope that the heart wrenching pain would no longer invade her every waking moment.
She denied the memory and the past she shared with him and the bond that although no longer with them it still burned within his heart the flame never flickering as he held on to the few precious hours he'd spent with Sara cocooned in their own world as they'd said 'Hello' and 'Goodbye' to their beautiful baby girl too beautiful for the world yet loved so much in those precious hours like heaven itself was missing an angel.
She never opened her eyes but when he closed his eyes he could still see each rise and fall of her chest and the tiny fist her hand made as it gripped onto his finger. He told himself that she was holding on not only to him but to her place in this world. He could still hear the beat of his heart echo in the depth of his very soul as her grip faltered and the rise and fall ceased.
The silence that surrounded them in that moment would always be with him but instead of locking himself away he embraced the time they shared. Sara however completely blocked it out it was as if she'd erased it from her past re written the moment so it never happened. Maybe that was her way of coping but he needed her to acknowledge it because that bond they shared kept him going from one minute to the next.
The sound his clenched fist made as it connected with the solid wood of her door broke him from his trip down memory lane as the sea of silence that surrounded him parted letting in sounds from the people around him, the shouting of a young couple at the end of the street suddenly had volume as he waited for her door to open.
The quiet creaking sound it made as she opened it slowly as if cautious of what would greet her was the only sound that registered with him as he began to think maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.
"Grissom" she stated as if confirming it was in fact him stood on her doorstep.
"Can I come in?" he asked not knowing what he was going to say if she said yes but knowing it had to be better than standing here.
A look of curiosity and confusion graced her face as she pulled the door open completely while stepping aside to let him in. Grissom crossed the threshold thankful that she hadn't made some excuse and turned him away.
"I don't mean to sound rude or anything but why are you here?" she asked trying to keep her voice as light as possible.
He watched as she sat down on the couch her legs curled under her and her dressing gown wrapped tightly around her almost as if she was trying to protect herself.
"I needed to talk" he answered simply.
"Couldn't it have waited till the start of shift?"
"It's not work I need to talk about" he told her sitting in the chair opposite her with only the small brown coffee table between them.
"Then what?" she asked a tremor of apprehension in her voice as she began to put the pieces together, the haunted look in his eyes that she'd only seen a few times before, the strained emotion in his voice and the fact that today they had investigated the death of a baby boy.
She'd almost scolded him for getting emotionally attached to the case even though despite how hard she tried to forget she knew that it wasn't just the case that was affecting him but it was the memories it would have brought to the surface. She'd heard how his normally solid composure had crumbled as he'd found the child's body and carefully picked it up cradling it in his own arms.
A part of her knew the memories it would have brought back of that night 5 years when he'd sat cradling they're newborn daughter in his arms as she'd breathed her last.
"Vanessa" he whispered his voice barely audible above the heavy beating in her chest as she tried to keep that part of her past locked.
The name meant so much to both of then, they'd spent many a sleepless night sat up discussing names when they'd found out she was carrying a girl. They had finally settled on Vanessa not only in memory of Sara's grandmother but also because it meant 'Butterfly' in Greek giving the name a link to both mother and father. Butterfly's were not only beautiful and unique but it was also believed that if you let them go if they loved you they would return one day.
That night they'd let her go.
"Please don't" Sara pleaded with him.
"It's been 5 years Sara when is it going to be a good time to talk about it" he asked his voice soft.
"Why do we have to talk about it all, talking won't change anything" she tried to reason with him finding it hard to keep the emotion she was feeling from overflowing into her voice.
"But pretending it never happened isn't going to help either"
"It helps me survive" she whispered his soft tone and the memory of the daughter she'd lost finally becoming to heavy to bear as she broke down in front of him after 5 years of trying to keep her head above water.
Cautiously he moved to sit down beside her pulling her into his arms so that she knew he was there and that he was hurting too. He could feel her shaking in his arms as the emotions she'd kept locked inside for 5 years tumbled freely. He could feel his shirt as it began to stick to him with the moisture of her tears.
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in fields of gold
He didn't know how long they sat there in a silent understanding mourning the loss of a life taken to soon. The silence wasn't uncomfortable anymore instead it was comforting because no words were needed they understood what the other was thinking.
5 years ago he'd held his daughter in one arms and Sara in the other knowing that today would have to last a lifetime because the small child in his arms was not destined for tomorrow.
Now he sat holding the only woman who had ever got beyond the walls he'd erected around himself knowing that tomorrow would come and with a quiet mourning he knew today would never be spoken of.
He felt her body shift beneath his tight hold as she untangled herself from his arms. He watched with a silent fascination and curiosity as she took a book from the bookcase before cuddling into him once again.
The need to feel his arms around her was as strong as it had been 5 years ago. For so long she'd tried to deny that chapter of her life ever happened but being here in this moment with him she needed to remember that for a few precious hours she had a life that depended completely on her, the unconditional love she'd felt for her daughter once again coursed through her veins giving her a new lease of life. She didn't want to forget but she didn't want to remember and be sad either … she wanted to remember her for the miracle she bought to her parents lives in the precious few moments she lived.
"I hear her crying sometimes … then I wake up and realise it was only a dream" she admitted as she opened the book taking out a faded piece of paper.
"Then I come in here and I find myself holding this and for a few short moments I'm back in that room watching her hold your hand" she finished handing him the faded sheet with two small pink handprints in the centre.
"Thank-you for giving her to me" he said his voice sincere and full of compassion.
"She would have been beautiful" Sara whispered "And thank-you for tonight … I've been holding it in for so long"
"But tomorrow you'll turn up for the shift and tonight will never be spoken of again just like that night 5 years ago wasn't until now"
Sara contemplated what he'd said, she knew he was right and that the minute he left here they'd go back to being just student and teacher boss and subordinate "Yes" she whispered.
"Why"
"It's how I survive" she admitted "But I'll never forget her"
So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold
Handing her back the faded paper her pulled her in closer, tomorrow would be another day. But right now in this moment they were united in their grief, two parents remembering the life they created together however short her stay with them.
"She'll never be forgotten" he echoed accepting the comfort that he found being close to her again as he pulled her closer to him, so close he could feel the gentle beat of her heart.
Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold