Chapter 2- Good Day
After walking around the streets of L.A. finding my way home, I stop in front of my house, staring at it. It looked so peaceful and homely, I wish it felt like that when I was in it, but it wasn't. Every step I take in there reminds me of him, he was never in there but I feel as if he should have been. The tears are still streaming down on my soft skin, creating patterns as they glide over my chin. Bruised and hurt, I slowly open the front door, afraid to face the truth of what I've done. Leaves drape over my dress, torn pieces of fabric dangle near my weak ankles. As soon as I close the heavy door behind me, I see Francie standing at the kitchen bar, worried and relieved. I just cry, not being able to find the words to say. What can I say? She doesn't know about him, she would be killed if she knew, like he was. All the hurt and sorrow pulsating through my veins making me too weak to stand, I grab onto the edge of the bar, setting down my grass-stained purse, but maintaining my grips on the now crushed sunflowers.
"Syndey, are you okay?" she paused, waiting for me to answer, but I couldn't find any words that could explain myself. "Sydney, what is wrong, what happened?"
I just stared at her, the hole in my heart growing with every breath I take. I can't stand to tell these lies anymore, that is all that I am, a big lie, a secret that no one will ever know. I want to tell her everything, about Vaughn, how I killed him, how I loved him, how I want to tell her about SD-6 and how I can't bear to live anymore. How every time when I open my eyes in the morning, I wish I was still sleeping or not even …… I turn on the heels of my run-down shoes and head to the refrigerator, still with the note attached reminding me about my date. I pound my head on the door hard, with all my strength trying to make all the lies and secrets come pouring out, but they didn't, it just made everything around me even more blurry. My lifeless body would not allow me to talk or to think. I opened the door and stared at the contents not knowing what I was doing. I had to do something so that I wouldn't hurt her anymore, she didn't deserve this much pain in her life.
"Syd, don't cry. Come on, what's the matter? Did your date not go well?"
That was putting it politely, I thought cynically to myself. It didn't even happen. I shocked myself and Francie, when I laughed at my own voices dancing through my head. My laugh became deep and sinister scaring Francie. I wanted to go away, far away. I looked out the far transparent window, looking for something to focus on to stop my feelings from taking over. I saw a flash of light and the shadow of a man. I blinked and he had disappeared. I stared at his shadow stuck in my brain, I really was going crazy. I kept laughing and slammed the door to the fridge, jumping at the stark sound it made. I kept laughing, my terrified body shaking from head to toe, still crying.
I stare down at the sunflowers, thinking of him. I missed him soo much. I could feel him hugging me and squeezed my body in for him to hold onto. Brushing past Francie, not looking her in the eyes, the tears began to fall gracefully from my wild eyes to the dusty floor.
I walk into my cell of comfort and peace, sighing as I place down my treasured sunflowers. I wonder what his favorite flower was. I never knew anything of his favorites except for his favorite restaurant. My thoughts are shortly interrupted by the doorbell ringing, Francie will get it, I sluggishly think. Taking my tattered dress off my fragile body, I think of how much he would have loved this dress. He would have taken one look at me and fell more in love with me. This wonderful thought made me smile, then the harshness of it sunk deep down inside me. I sank to my bed, pulling my bathrobe, warm and reassuring, over my weary body. Francie burst into my room, holding a letter in her shaking hand.
"Um, Syd, this was in front of the door when I opened it, it has your name on the front. The person just left, I didn't see anybody." She laid the note on the table stand and left after a question that had been burning her mind raw. "Sydney, I know something is wrong, I've known for awhile now. Please just tell me. I won't judge you differently if its completely bizarre, but I need to know. You've been acting very strange, not just today, but for a whole year basically. Just tell me, when you feel ready, ok?"
"Ok," I nod at her, doubting I will ever be ready to explain to her all the darkness and secrets that I have hidden inside me. "Night." She takes the hint of me getting rid her and leaves nodding with fear in her face. I can hear her cry through the door. Why? She doesn't have anything to cry about, she doesn't have to deal with my stresses every day. I silently yell at myself for being so conceited and taken with my pities. I turn my attention to the small envelope with hurried, scribbled handwriting. I opened the envelope and pulled out the card on plain parchment. Hastily written, only two words, it read: Don't Cry.
A single shiver slivered its way down my back emitting chills all over my body. I glanced out the window, nothing. It was just a reflection of what I saw in me, nothing. I wish I was nothing, but I am. I am only something until SD-6 goes down, then I'm nothing. Then I can be with him and never have to keep secrets and lies and hurt and pain inside my wretched heart.
I walk over to my mirror, placing the note, which only made cry out of fear instead of hurt, on the stand next to it, and reached for my depression pills, which I purposely forgot to take today. Tomorrow I will have a good day. I will not disobey my feelings to see him, but I will have a good day. Good day. Good day. I kept reciting those two words over and over while I got ready fro bed, for soothing relief from the hollow world in which I live. If I say them enough, I convince myself, maybe I will eventually have a good day. Maybe.