Disclaimer: We do not own buffy, Christmas or spike. But I do own a kickass
MP3 player. If I did own Spike, I would no way, be writing this.
Author note: This is comedy; it's supposed to be stupid. It might contain OOC, we don't care, and also, it has NO timeline, we also don't care. We just want everyone we like to be in it. Except Dawn, but she has to be in there anyway.
If you really want a time line here it is
After Season Seven. Expect that...Tara never died, Anya and Xander DID get married, Spike saved the world, but lived and Sunnydale is STILL there. Dawn accidentally shot Kennedy and nobody cared. And Andrew is still living with Buffy, cause he is a good cook, and learned how to make those really good onion things from the Bronze.
THIS STORY CONTAINS DAWN BASHING.
(The Magic Box)
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells. Jingle all the way
"That bloody tune again! If I have to listen to that tune one more time I'm not carrying any more Christmas junk in for you" Spike dropped a box onto the floor, there was crash as something inside broke.
"Hey that cost money! How dare you waste my money!" Anya walked over and picked up the box. She picked up a broken Santa. "Look you broke Santa. Now he's going to give you coal" Anya shook her head at Spike, gave him a puzzled look and walked off. Xander walked in from the back room, holding another box filled with Christmas decorations, and placing it on the counter. Spike walked over to Xander and watched Anya walk to the other side of the room.
"Xander when are you going to tell her that Santa isn't real" Spike asked, watching as the blonde put up even more Christmas decorations.
"I'm thinking next year" Xander replied watching Anya stick reindeer horns on a skeleton head. "Besides its kinda cute" Cute? Spike really looked at Anya. She was wearing short red pants, with long red stockings, with a white trim around the edge. She was also wearing a top that was so low; it looked like her "presents" where about to fall out any moment.
"Ah" Spike said. "So that's why it's cute."
Xander turned to Spike. "Hey are you perving on my Anya? That's my girl you can't have her! You get your own 1000 year plus ex demon."
Spike turned to Xander, and raised his eyebrow as he sarcastically said. "Oh yes, love Anya, really want to take her. Hard. Right now"
Anya who seemed to have the knack of hearing sexual conversations turned to Xander and Spike. "What? Who wants to take me??"
"Spike wants to take you" Xander was also joking, but to Anya it meant something totally different.
"Hey I've heard about theses, I read it, on the Internet, Christmas Threesomes!"
Xander and Spike looked at each other. Xander replied. "Um sweetie, we talked about this, only threesomes if it's with two girls!" Spike who was horrified at the thought of a threesome with Xander found his voice. "Not if you payed me. Plus." Anya interrupted him, with a pouting look on her face. "But Xander, I want a Christmas threesome! And why not Spike! Don't you like my hair cut! Are my boobs too small?" Spike tried again. "I wouldn't because." Xander interrupted him, now starring at his wifes chest. "Aww my little moneymaker, your perfect in everyone way" Anya then turned to Spike. "See he likes me!" Spike shook his head and finally yelled. "I love Buffy! I didn't almost become crispy fried Spike pieces for bloody nothing you know!" Xander and Anya stared at Spike. "You only had to say no. You did not have to insult my very appealing human body" Spike resisted the urge to bang his head against the counter. "This is why I hate Christmas, makes people bloody crazy. Not that you two were sane in the first place but still"
The door behind the counter opened, as Giles came in, a book in his hand. He stopped, and looked around the Magic Box, adjusting his glasses before turning to Anya.
"Giles! So do you like what I did to the Magic Box! You said the place needed to look Christmassy so that people would shop here and bring us money!" Anya smiled happily, at the thought of money. Giles took off his glasses and cleaned them, most likely to save his eyes from the colourfully decorated shop. "Yes yes, very nice dear, except for the fact you seemed to have um, hidden most the merchandise behind decorations." "What?" Anya ran over and started pulling Christmas decorations down. "Xander! Help me! People won't buy things if they can't see them! And then I won't get any more money!" Xander ran off to help her, and both started redecorating the shop. Giles leaned against the counter and muttered. "Thank God with all that tinsel it was starting to look like Vegas in here." Anya who heard the word Vegas, and knew that place was associated with sex and money.
"Oh Vegas, hey we should put some gambling devices in here" "In a word Anya, no" Giles said sighing and wiping his glasses again. Spike turned to Giles "As I said, Crazy"
The door to the attic opened and the drop down stairs appeared. Dawn slowly made her way down the stairs. She was going slowly as she was carrying a massive plastic blow up Santa, and although it was deflated it was still very large and heavy. Well it was for Dawn. She dropped the Santa on the floor, much to Anya's annoyance. The Santa was for the roof of the magic shop. Dawn picked up the Santa and handed it to Spike.
"No way am I putting my mouth on Santa behind and blowing." Everyone turned to Spike. Xander spoke first. "But you don't breath, perfect for the job." Spike swore but started blowing up the Santa. All was silent for a minute until Anya's shrill scream filled the magic box. "Not in here! You'll break my merchandise!" Spike stopped blowing the Santa up, looking at Anya like she was crazy.
"Where else could I do it?" Anya who seemed to think, blowing the Santa up inside was a big emergency started waving her hands around. "Outside Outside!" she screamed. Spike looked at her. "Hello Sunlight. Vampire. Not good for skin. Kinda stings" Anya without hesitation threw a black blanket at him. Spike looked at it. "I am NOT going outside, sitting under that, risking my life, to blow up some bloody Santa doll!" Xander whose head was covered in various colours of tinsel "Shame that is Buffy's favourite decoration, it was her choice to buy it."
Buffy, Willow and Tara were walking down the street having a serious discussion about the Scooby's presents. "Yeah great idea Buffy I'm thinking of giving her money too" laughed Willow. "Um Willow are you supposed to give presents being Jewish and all" asked Buffy gently. Tara had dropped out of the conversation and was squinting in the direction of the Magic Box. "Um can anyone else see a giant smoking Santa?" asked Tara in a timid kind of am I crazy voice. "Now that you mention it.." Replied Willow. All the girls started walking faster to the Magic Box. Buffy who got there first starred in disbelieve at the sight before her. Spike sat, the major part of his body under a large black blanket. In one hand he held an enormous almost blown up Santa. In the other he held his cigarette. Buffy stood there in complete amazement as Spike took a drag of the cigarette before blowing the smoke into the Santa. Buffy finally found her voice "Spike what in the name of all things demented what ARE you doing" "What does it look like I'm doing, I'm losing my mind" said Spike between puffs not pausing from his activity. "Well that explains the Santa, but why the smoke" questioned Buffy. "I figured the poor jolly man could use some relaxation. All year making toys, stuck with elves, only eating milk and cookies, the poor man needs some reward," explained Spike.
Willow and Tara who had just arrived starred at the sight before them. Buffy looked at their faces and threw them a look that said don't you dare ask.
The door opened and Xander stepped outside. " I wanted to come and help you put Santa on the roof, ok I lie Anya forced me out here to help you" explained Xander. He spotted Buffy Willow and Tara. "Hey girls, have you seeing Spike blowing up Santa's ass," said Xander. Spike paused midway through a breath of smoke and blew it in Xander's face. As Xander was coughing Giles, Anya and Dawn came out of the Magic Box. "Hey people we came out here to watch Xander and Spike make idiots of themselves trying to put a giant Santa on the roof, it will be very amusing" said Anya smiling. "Speak for yourself I came out here to see sunlight one more time before I am blinded by Christmas decorations" complained Giles. Dawn who was flicking through a spell book looked at the rest of the gang guiltily. "I know I'm not supposed to look at them but I found this book about Christmas spells, there are spells to elves appear, turn people into Candy Canes, make reindeer fly..". Dawn was interrupted by Spike who stood up holding the massive blown up Santa. "There done," he said looking extremely relieved. "Yeah that's great, except are you sure you want that on the roof It's the ugliest Santa I have ever seen" Buffy said. Spike looked from Buffy to Xander, realisation hitting him. "What! Oh screw this," yelled Spike, in his anger he let the Santa go. Spike had forgotten to put the cap on the Santa and as it rose into the sky, smokey air followed behind it. All the Scooby's watched in amazement as this giant Santa zoomed away into the horizon. "Aww how magical" exclaimed Anya. "That is it! I'm finished with Christmas!" yelled Spike as he scurried off with the blanket over his head.
Everyone watched him go, except Dawn whose eyes fell to a spell in the book she was holding entitled 'Giving Christmas Cheer' As she read the spell and seen Spike hurrying away a thought popped into her head...
Author note: This is comedy; it's supposed to be stupid. It might contain OOC, we don't care, and also, it has NO timeline, we also don't care. We just want everyone we like to be in it. Except Dawn, but she has to be in there anyway.
If you really want a time line here it is
After Season Seven. Expect that...Tara never died, Anya and Xander DID get married, Spike saved the world, but lived and Sunnydale is STILL there. Dawn accidentally shot Kennedy and nobody cared. And Andrew is still living with Buffy, cause he is a good cook, and learned how to make those really good onion things from the Bronze.
THIS STORY CONTAINS DAWN BASHING.
(The Magic Box)
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells. Jingle all the way
"That bloody tune again! If I have to listen to that tune one more time I'm not carrying any more Christmas junk in for you" Spike dropped a box onto the floor, there was crash as something inside broke.
"Hey that cost money! How dare you waste my money!" Anya walked over and picked up the box. She picked up a broken Santa. "Look you broke Santa. Now he's going to give you coal" Anya shook her head at Spike, gave him a puzzled look and walked off. Xander walked in from the back room, holding another box filled with Christmas decorations, and placing it on the counter. Spike walked over to Xander and watched Anya walk to the other side of the room.
"Xander when are you going to tell her that Santa isn't real" Spike asked, watching as the blonde put up even more Christmas decorations.
"I'm thinking next year" Xander replied watching Anya stick reindeer horns on a skeleton head. "Besides its kinda cute" Cute? Spike really looked at Anya. She was wearing short red pants, with long red stockings, with a white trim around the edge. She was also wearing a top that was so low; it looked like her "presents" where about to fall out any moment.
"Ah" Spike said. "So that's why it's cute."
Xander turned to Spike. "Hey are you perving on my Anya? That's my girl you can't have her! You get your own 1000 year plus ex demon."
Spike turned to Xander, and raised his eyebrow as he sarcastically said. "Oh yes, love Anya, really want to take her. Hard. Right now"
Anya who seemed to have the knack of hearing sexual conversations turned to Xander and Spike. "What? Who wants to take me??"
"Spike wants to take you" Xander was also joking, but to Anya it meant something totally different.
"Hey I've heard about theses, I read it, on the Internet, Christmas Threesomes!"
Xander and Spike looked at each other. Xander replied. "Um sweetie, we talked about this, only threesomes if it's with two girls!" Spike who was horrified at the thought of a threesome with Xander found his voice. "Not if you payed me. Plus." Anya interrupted him, with a pouting look on her face. "But Xander, I want a Christmas threesome! And why not Spike! Don't you like my hair cut! Are my boobs too small?" Spike tried again. "I wouldn't because." Xander interrupted him, now starring at his wifes chest. "Aww my little moneymaker, your perfect in everyone way" Anya then turned to Spike. "See he likes me!" Spike shook his head and finally yelled. "I love Buffy! I didn't almost become crispy fried Spike pieces for bloody nothing you know!" Xander and Anya stared at Spike. "You only had to say no. You did not have to insult my very appealing human body" Spike resisted the urge to bang his head against the counter. "This is why I hate Christmas, makes people bloody crazy. Not that you two were sane in the first place but still"
The door behind the counter opened, as Giles came in, a book in his hand. He stopped, and looked around the Magic Box, adjusting his glasses before turning to Anya.
"Giles! So do you like what I did to the Magic Box! You said the place needed to look Christmassy so that people would shop here and bring us money!" Anya smiled happily, at the thought of money. Giles took off his glasses and cleaned them, most likely to save his eyes from the colourfully decorated shop. "Yes yes, very nice dear, except for the fact you seemed to have um, hidden most the merchandise behind decorations." "What?" Anya ran over and started pulling Christmas decorations down. "Xander! Help me! People won't buy things if they can't see them! And then I won't get any more money!" Xander ran off to help her, and both started redecorating the shop. Giles leaned against the counter and muttered. "Thank God with all that tinsel it was starting to look like Vegas in here." Anya who heard the word Vegas, and knew that place was associated with sex and money.
"Oh Vegas, hey we should put some gambling devices in here" "In a word Anya, no" Giles said sighing and wiping his glasses again. Spike turned to Giles "As I said, Crazy"
The door to the attic opened and the drop down stairs appeared. Dawn slowly made her way down the stairs. She was going slowly as she was carrying a massive plastic blow up Santa, and although it was deflated it was still very large and heavy. Well it was for Dawn. She dropped the Santa on the floor, much to Anya's annoyance. The Santa was for the roof of the magic shop. Dawn picked up the Santa and handed it to Spike.
"No way am I putting my mouth on Santa behind and blowing." Everyone turned to Spike. Xander spoke first. "But you don't breath, perfect for the job." Spike swore but started blowing up the Santa. All was silent for a minute until Anya's shrill scream filled the magic box. "Not in here! You'll break my merchandise!" Spike stopped blowing the Santa up, looking at Anya like she was crazy.
"Where else could I do it?" Anya who seemed to think, blowing the Santa up inside was a big emergency started waving her hands around. "Outside Outside!" she screamed. Spike looked at her. "Hello Sunlight. Vampire. Not good for skin. Kinda stings" Anya without hesitation threw a black blanket at him. Spike looked at it. "I am NOT going outside, sitting under that, risking my life, to blow up some bloody Santa doll!" Xander whose head was covered in various colours of tinsel "Shame that is Buffy's favourite decoration, it was her choice to buy it."
Buffy, Willow and Tara were walking down the street having a serious discussion about the Scooby's presents. "Yeah great idea Buffy I'm thinking of giving her money too" laughed Willow. "Um Willow are you supposed to give presents being Jewish and all" asked Buffy gently. Tara had dropped out of the conversation and was squinting in the direction of the Magic Box. "Um can anyone else see a giant smoking Santa?" asked Tara in a timid kind of am I crazy voice. "Now that you mention it.." Replied Willow. All the girls started walking faster to the Magic Box. Buffy who got there first starred in disbelieve at the sight before her. Spike sat, the major part of his body under a large black blanket. In one hand he held an enormous almost blown up Santa. In the other he held his cigarette. Buffy stood there in complete amazement as Spike took a drag of the cigarette before blowing the smoke into the Santa. Buffy finally found her voice "Spike what in the name of all things demented what ARE you doing" "What does it look like I'm doing, I'm losing my mind" said Spike between puffs not pausing from his activity. "Well that explains the Santa, but why the smoke" questioned Buffy. "I figured the poor jolly man could use some relaxation. All year making toys, stuck with elves, only eating milk and cookies, the poor man needs some reward," explained Spike.
Willow and Tara who had just arrived starred at the sight before them. Buffy looked at their faces and threw them a look that said don't you dare ask.
The door opened and Xander stepped outside. " I wanted to come and help you put Santa on the roof, ok I lie Anya forced me out here to help you" explained Xander. He spotted Buffy Willow and Tara. "Hey girls, have you seeing Spike blowing up Santa's ass," said Xander. Spike paused midway through a breath of smoke and blew it in Xander's face. As Xander was coughing Giles, Anya and Dawn came out of the Magic Box. "Hey people we came out here to watch Xander and Spike make idiots of themselves trying to put a giant Santa on the roof, it will be very amusing" said Anya smiling. "Speak for yourself I came out here to see sunlight one more time before I am blinded by Christmas decorations" complained Giles. Dawn who was flicking through a spell book looked at the rest of the gang guiltily. "I know I'm not supposed to look at them but I found this book about Christmas spells, there are spells to elves appear, turn people into Candy Canes, make reindeer fly..". Dawn was interrupted by Spike who stood up holding the massive blown up Santa. "There done," he said looking extremely relieved. "Yeah that's great, except are you sure you want that on the roof It's the ugliest Santa I have ever seen" Buffy said. Spike looked from Buffy to Xander, realisation hitting him. "What! Oh screw this," yelled Spike, in his anger he let the Santa go. Spike had forgotten to put the cap on the Santa and as it rose into the sky, smokey air followed behind it. All the Scooby's watched in amazement as this giant Santa zoomed away into the horizon. "Aww how magical" exclaimed Anya. "That is it! I'm finished with Christmas!" yelled Spike as he scurried off with the blanket over his head.
Everyone watched him go, except Dawn whose eyes fell to a spell in the book she was holding entitled 'Giving Christmas Cheer' As she read the spell and seen Spike hurrying away a thought popped into her head...