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Chapter 9- Stay Forever
He began to walk closer to me, his steps slow and soft almost as if he was barely touching the floor. All I could do was to stare into his eyes and shake my head in disbelief. The nurse began to stand up, the pills clutched in her hands, unaware of the tension that suddenly began to flood into the room. Drowning in it, I couldn't speak, couldn't breathe. Keeping my eyes on him, scanning him up and down side to side, making sure my mind wasn't playing another malicious joke on me, I noticed his eyes were welling up with tears as he saw the horrible sight in front of him. I blushed from the shame of letting him see me this weak and tormented. As he approached my bed, I said nothing and did nothing except letting the effortless tears stream down my face of relief and confusion.
This can't be possible. He is not alive. They told me he was dead. Sloane told me, not that I trust him, but in matters of someone's death I do, killing is the only thing he knows how to do. Devlin told me, Weiss told me, and Dad told me. So how can he be here now? How can I hear his even and steady heartbeat crying out to the world that he is alive? How could he do this to me? I tried to mask out my emotions on my face, but when my feelings deal with Vaughn, I have no control, never.
Re-gripping the taught sheets, I feel as if the world around me is spinning like carousal, round and round, faster and faster, never slowing down. The world around going blurry, except him. He remained constant and sharp, even when he was dead; he was always vivid in my mind, branded on the back of my eyelids. By now the nurse had slipped from the room quietly without either of us detecting it. We were alone with her or without her, alone in our own world unaware of anything real. He tried to speak but just let out a small smile with tears breaking through his now somewhat sparkling eyes, they weren't as bright as before, something had dulled them and it breaks my heart even further not knowing.
Part of me began to despise him as he sat down in the brown chair next to my bed. How could he do this to me? How could he let me torture myself like this? But those thoughts of hatred and hurt were gone when he took the glass of water from my hand ever so gently and replaced it with his warm hand, fingers intertwining. A sudden warmth, a tingling of everything good in life, comforting, swam through my frail body and the hollowness I have been feeling for a year suddenly vanished, disappeared as if it was never there. Every doubt in my mind of this being a twisted joke was washed away by his touch, the calming feeling of flesh against flesh, warm.
"Sydney," he drew out my name as if cherishing the sound of it as he spoke, wanting to say it over and over without stopping. Lifting his other hand, he brushed away the tears on my puzzled face. "I'm sorry." His forehead wrinkled as he apologized for I don't know what. Millions of words and thoughts and questions came rushing up through my veins to my tongue but they all balanced on the edge waiting for something to push them off the bridge and into the gap between us. Instead of letting them fall out, I tightened my grip and smiled back letting him know I am just glad he is here now. No questions needed. Just the sound of him breathing softly was all I needed and is all I'll ever need. After several minutes of hushed tears and continuous eye contact, he spoke. His voice music to my ears tenderly soothed every aching bone and pain in my body, even my heart. I never realized how much I did miss him, more than I ever thought until I heard him and saw him.
"Sydney, how are you feeling?" He started again noticing my silent nod after his apology and scooted his chair closer to me, a slight touch of concern and suffering in his voice. The past year gone, completely oblivious to us. It was like we had just gotten back from the mission and he never died. He never left, he never left, it was all a never-ending nightmare. I had finally woken up.
"I guess fine for being asleep for six days, just a little sore." I laughed a tiny laugh and saw him smile, not just a small forced smile but a real smile full of love and adoration. My smile grew wider at seeing him smile like that, a picture I had lost in and thought I would never find again. I longed to just pull him in my arms but the tangled strands of tubes and the shocks of pain running through my wounds prevented me from it. Always something in the way. "How am I doing honestly? Am I going to be alright?" Suddenly noticing the pain etched in his smile and his tone, I asked him knowing that I would get the truth, hopefully.
"Um,.. You're going to be fine, don't worry about. You're going to out of here in no time. Promise." He smiled and the tears in my eyes distorted the distress in his voice. I didn't question him.
"I missed you." His forehead began to wrinkle again in being aware of how he affected me and knowing what I might ask next, afraid. After stumbling over the first syllables several times, getting caught in their inevitable conversation to follow, it finally came out. "Why? Why did you leave me? Please tell me." Deep down I know why he left, because Sloane knew. Because he had to, because he wanted to protect me. I just had to hear it from him and to make sure it was true.
Rubbing his thumb over the top of my pale hand, almost translucent in the light, careful of not hitting my IV, he tried to stir up the right words, knowing no words were right for what he had to confess and bring up. I wish I never asked, wish that I could turn back the hourglass just seconds and then ignore the whole question. In fact, turn the glass back a year and never go on that dreadful mission and never have to be separated. But it was too late, too late to fix what was wrong. Took too long for me to find the truth as usual, too long for me to find out Sloane knew. Too late and too long.
As he opened his perfectly curved lips to speak, more tears began to spill out of my weak eyes sensing the pain. I bit my bottom lip hard trying to hold them back, but they were too powerful this time, a waterfall cascading down its mountain. I could sense the hesitation in his voice which was all of a sudden gruff and verging on breaking down.
"Syd, I'm sorry, I had to when Sloane left me, and they, the CIA got your call and got me out. They couldn't tell you. You would have been killed because of it. I wouldn't allow it. Please Sydney, please forgive me for not telling you. I wanted to.
I wish I could have told you. You were just getting to bring them down and I couldn't let them kill you. And if that meant that I was hiding in the shadows watching you, I didn't care. I'm sorry that I wasn't thinking if I would hurt you like that. Like I did. I'm soo sorry Sydney."
He was crying now, in thick shattering sobs that broke away at my heart. I couldn't bear to watch anymore and closed my eyes, still gripping tightly onto his hand feeling his warmth next to me. His green eyes misty in the dewiness of his tears, still gleaming their beautiful painting. He paused for a second to catch his unsteady breath and I thought he stopped causing a sigh of relief. He didn't but I couldn't find the words or strength to stop him, I closed my eyes not wanting to see the agony hidden deep inside him all the way down to his ankles. "All those times in the cemetery when I saw you, it ripped my heart out. I wanted to tell you. I did, I honestly did, but I couldn't because then you would be killed and then we would be no where. And I was soo close once when you followed me, I wanted to tell you, to let you catch me. But I knew if you knew you would be killed. I'm sorry Sydney that I did this to you. Please forgive me I'm soo .." I couldn't take it any longer.
"Vaughn, stop. Please stop. I don't blame you. Just don't say you're sorry, because you did nothing wrong. You're alive. Just stop. Please, you don't have to be sorry." My breath slightly beginning to decrease making harder for me to even keep my hand clasped into his. I opened my eyes and my voice somehow became strong and without faltering, the sight of him gave me all the strength I'll ever need. "Please Vaughn." His eyes gazing into mine and I felt everything that you could possibly ever feel pour into me, gushing in through all sides, trapping me in with his love. I squeezed my weak hand into his strong one once more and let my heavy eyes fall back.
"Sydney," He waited for me to open my eyes again and I did, without even thinking of the needles ramming through every inch of my body. "I love you." Breathing in deep, my chest swelled as I pushed back my more tears, this time from the insurmountable joy that numbed the pain and allowed me to smile. Upon breathing out, the pain seeped its way back in. I ignored it.
"I love you too." All the grief and regret imbedded into his face was wiped away with a genuine smile, the truth. He kissed my hand, still avoiding the IV tube that snaked over my limbs fighting for me to live, and a tingling swept over my thin frame like the fall and rise of summer night's tide, gently and smooth, calming and beautiful, a miracle with the glowing sun sparkling in the distance radiating over the mystery of the sea.
"You better get some rest. I heard the nurse calling your dad, he'll be here shortly." He stroked my hand once more, salty winds breezing past the sandy shores beckoning you to stay. And then picked it up when my brown eyes that had new life in them drifted off to sleep and began to slowly get up from the indented chair.
"Michael?" I heard his soft steps abruptly stop at the sound of my hoarse voice calling him in his real name. I heard him gulp in his tears and turn around, feeling the burning in his eyes. "Stay, please. Don't leave me again."
His feet resumed their careful pace but returned to my side with pleasure. I could hear the silent squeak of the chair as he eased back into it, still indented. I could smell his unique and tantalizing smell re-enter my senses reassuring me I wasn't sleeping yet and that this wasn't a dream that I created in my fragile mind. I felt his hand take its place in my hand once again bringing back warmth and filling up the massive hole in my heart in mere seconds. Palm against palm, skin against skin, soul against soul.
A content smile spread its way across my lips as I fell into a relaxing sleep with no nightmares and no guilt hanging over top of my head flashing in the darkness. Just the whimsical sound of waves crashing peacefully in the distance, splashing and dancing against the evening sun, a pink speckled with golds, blues, and purples, extending its rays and embracing me in its safety beckoning me to stay. To stay with him forever.
*No surprise or shocker with the mystery man! Sorry, couldn't do it, I am after all an avid S/V shipper, I had to go with some wishing and hoping for our favorite couple! Another chapter, hopefully more reviews! (hint!hint! lol) Did you like it? Yes? Or No? Please let me know what you think and if you think she is really okay or not? As always thanks for reading!