Author: Kityye
Summary: Instead of counseling, Sydney has to keep a journal. This chapter is on Vaughn.
Author's note: Kind of dark, three "bad" words.
Disclaimer: I don't own them
Spoilers: Season 3, Episodes 1-2
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~
10/9/03
Okay, so I'm back a little earlier than I thought I would be. This writing stuff down really does help.
I whaled on Vaughn two weeks ago… called him unfaithful, and selfish. It was rash, and yes I *had* thought through all the words and planned what order to say them in, but I hadn't actually meant to speak them aloud to him. I feel like I have an excess of fear, which I've turned into anger. My life has been hell recently, and I lost control.
I still love him.
It's not fair! He had TWO years to get over me! TWO YEARS! It's gratifying to know it took him a long time, but still! I've time-warped, I'm still the same person with the same emotions, and to me our last tumble was mere days ago! What am I *supposed* to do? Get over it?!
I hate fighting with Vaughn. I had to apologize, which is the hardest thing I've done since I got back. I hate saying, "got back," like I was merely on vacation. I don't feel like I've gone anywhere, and it sure wasn't that island vacation Vaughn planned for us! And of course, Vaughn made me feel all sorry that I'd blown up at him, even though I tried not to show it. I just wanted to hold him, and have him hold me and promise me everything would be okay no matter what.
The thing is this: I think I could still influence him. If I actually tried to seduce him, I think he'd come to me. It scares me to hold that power, precisely because that is what I want to do. But, it'd kill him, I think, to be unfaithful to his wife. He has too many morals, and in the end it'd turn him away from me if I forced him away from his wife. His morals are partly why I'm so in love with him.
No, I'm not in love with him. I can't be in love with him, not like I was. I have to stop thinking like that. He's working in my office again. I have to find a way to see him without breaking into tears. Some way that does not involve acting like I'm an emotionless bitch. That doesn't help me. All my anger and fear keeps getting stored up inside, and then I lose control. It's not fun. It happened when I was rescuing the CIA agent.
Idiot lackey, dying before he told me who'd had me. Maybe it was the Covenant, since that was who the lackey was working for. But, they change bosses so often… I can't know for sure. I still think it was Sloane. Bastard would do anything he could to get back at us for wrecking the SD cells.
It is funny how many people at the CIA once worked for Sloane. If I didn't know us, I'd be suspicious. Me, Dixon, Marshall, Dad… enough for a conspiracy, if we were evil.
Sydney's always strong, isn't she? She thinks of things before they happen, always thinking and always connecting data and always beating the odds. She has the perfect moves.
Sometimes I'm tired of being Sydney.
Summary: Instead of counseling, Sydney has to keep a journal. This chapter is on Vaughn.
Author's note: Kind of dark, three "bad" words.
Disclaimer: I don't own them
Spoilers: Season 3, Episodes 1-2
~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~
10/9/03
Okay, so I'm back a little earlier than I thought I would be. This writing stuff down really does help.
I whaled on Vaughn two weeks ago… called him unfaithful, and selfish. It was rash, and yes I *had* thought through all the words and planned what order to say them in, but I hadn't actually meant to speak them aloud to him. I feel like I have an excess of fear, which I've turned into anger. My life has been hell recently, and I lost control.
I still love him.
It's not fair! He had TWO years to get over me! TWO YEARS! It's gratifying to know it took him a long time, but still! I've time-warped, I'm still the same person with the same emotions, and to me our last tumble was mere days ago! What am I *supposed* to do? Get over it?!
I hate fighting with Vaughn. I had to apologize, which is the hardest thing I've done since I got back. I hate saying, "got back," like I was merely on vacation. I don't feel like I've gone anywhere, and it sure wasn't that island vacation Vaughn planned for us! And of course, Vaughn made me feel all sorry that I'd blown up at him, even though I tried not to show it. I just wanted to hold him, and have him hold me and promise me everything would be okay no matter what.
The thing is this: I think I could still influence him. If I actually tried to seduce him, I think he'd come to me. It scares me to hold that power, precisely because that is what I want to do. But, it'd kill him, I think, to be unfaithful to his wife. He has too many morals, and in the end it'd turn him away from me if I forced him away from his wife. His morals are partly why I'm so in love with him.
No, I'm not in love with him. I can't be in love with him, not like I was. I have to stop thinking like that. He's working in my office again. I have to find a way to see him without breaking into tears. Some way that does not involve acting like I'm an emotionless bitch. That doesn't help me. All my anger and fear keeps getting stored up inside, and then I lose control. It's not fun. It happened when I was rescuing the CIA agent.
Idiot lackey, dying before he told me who'd had me. Maybe it was the Covenant, since that was who the lackey was working for. But, they change bosses so often… I can't know for sure. I still think it was Sloane. Bastard would do anything he could to get back at us for wrecking the SD cells.
It is funny how many people at the CIA once worked for Sloane. If I didn't know us, I'd be suspicious. Me, Dixon, Marshall, Dad… enough for a conspiracy, if we were evil.
Sydney's always strong, isn't she? She thinks of things before they happen, always thinking and always connecting data and always beating the odds. She has the perfect moves.
Sometimes I'm tired of being Sydney.