Title: Healing Part 1
Summary: Logan finds out Jubilee's been cutting herself.
Warnings: Dark. I cried. Seems to be a trend, with the last couple of stories. Sorry, that's just the way things turned out.
Rating: PG-13, borderline R
Setting: After Reflections, both parts.
Characters: Logan/Jubilee, guest starring Xavier, Jean, and Ororo
Note to Readers: The second part of this has been written. I have, however, some qualms about posting it on this site, as it's a bit graphic. This is a democracy; I will post the second part of this if enough people want to read it. So just drop a note in your review telling me if you think I should post it. Thanks!-Jae
Healing Part 1Logan opened his eyes lazily to see the early dawn sunlight brightening the blue pattern on the bedspread. He lay for a moment, soaking in the rare moment of peace before rolling over and heading for the bathroom.
The water was running in the bath, and he grinned as he poked his head around the door. Jubilee sat in the tub, up to her chest in bubbles, with a set of headphones on her ears and her Walkman on the bathtub ledge. She was singing to herself softly as she ran a shaving razor down her white, foam-covered legs. Logan pulled his head back into the bedroom, stripped off his T-shirt and boxers, then walked into the bathroom. Jubilee looked up as the air currents cleared the steam from the bathroom air, and reached forward, shutting off the water and removing the headphones. "Was I being too loud? I didn't mean to wake you," she said. Logan stepped into the tub, let the heat of the water soak into his feet, then slowly lowered the rest of himself into the water.
Baths were a luxury he didn't often allow himself. For most of his life…or what he remembered as his life…he'd been a loner, a drifter, moving from place to place, taking only what he could carry and earning just enough money to scrape by from bets on bar fights and truck stops. He thought he was happy with that.
Then Chuck had changed all that. He'd brought Logan here, to these spacious, opulent surroundings, installed him in a room that was better than any dive he'd ever been in, and provided meals and everything he needed. And in return, all he asked was that Logan risk his life to protect humanity and be part of a team. Logan had agreed, reluctantly, though he still felt the need to get out once in a while and live the life he had been accustomed to for who knew how long.
But he'd gradually begun thinking of the mansion as home. He'd started to look forward to 'coming home'. And then Chuck brought in a wisecracking, smart-ass teenager who just attached herself to him. She was like an itch he couldn't scratch, a thorn in his side, but he'd also found himself growing attached to the little girl. He tried to justify it by telling himself she had her uses; but he couldn't deny to himself that he was getting attached to her. Then she saved his life in Australia, and he realized that, for better or worse, she was irretrievably tied to her. Now he was married to her, and she was going to be a part of his life forever. For the rest of her life.
He wouldn't have it any other way.
He relaxed in the hot bath, batting away the bubbles that rose around him as Jubilee went on shaving her legs and humming softly to herself. He squinted through the steamy haze and looked closely at the razor, then reached over and snapped off the Walkman. Jubilee looked up at him, surprise written all over her face, and he grinned as he plucked the headset off her head and held up the razor. "I thought I'd talked to ya 'bout usin' my razor ta shave yer legs," he said.
She blushed a charming pink. 'Mine's dull," she said. "I nicked myself twice. I didn't think you'd mind…I'll go out today and get refills for it when I get new ones for mine, okay?" She reached one soapy hand up for the razor. Water streamed down her arm, washing away the bubbles that had hidden her skin, and Logan saw the scabs marring the pale skin on the inside of her wrists. They hadn't gotten there by accident. He knew that.
He dropped the razor and grabbed her wrist before she could drop her arm back under the water. "Jubes…" he whispered. He grabbed her other arm, looked at the red scabs. "What have ya done?"
She looked down, her face suddenly pale. "I'm sorry, Logan," she said. "I didn't want you to see that." She tried to pull her wrists out of his grip, but Logan was suddenly angry. He refused to let her go.
"Jubilee," he growled angrily. "Don't try ta brush it off. What the hell have you been doin' ta yerself!?" He shook her roughly. "Don't ya think ya been hurt by other people enough? Why the hell're ya hurtin' yerself?"
Jubilee refused to look directly at him. She stayed silent, although she shrank into herself almost visibly at his words. Logan was too angry to care. He shook her again. "God damn it, Jubes, why the hell'd ya marry me if all yer gonna do is kill yerself? I love ya. I thought ya loved me. Ya gonna kill yerself an' make me mourn ya, like I mourn fer every other woman I've ever loved before?" He dropped her wrists in disgust. "No freakin' wonder yer razor's dull." He hauled himself, dripping, from the tub and marched out of the bathroom, ignoring her soft cry.
"Logan, wait!" Jubilee reached out to him, trying to stop him, but he didn't look back. She scrambled to her feet and sprang out of the tub, ignoring the wet footprints she left on the blue carpet of the bedroom floor. "Logan, wait, please, let me explain…"
He yanked a shirt from the dresser drawer and pulled it over his head, not looking at her. "Jubilee, we're married. Ya know what that means? It means we don't keep secrets from each other. It means we share everythin'; the joys, the sorrows, the ups an' downs, the happiness, and the pain." He turned to look at her. "See this?" he held up his hand, the gold wedding band wrapped around it. "When I put this on an' stood in front o' everybody an' swore I'd love ya forever, I meant it. I thought ya knew that. I thought ya understood what that meant. I guess ya don't." He stared at her, and Jubilee saw the tears in his eyes he refused to shed as he yanked the ring off and dropped it on the dresser top. "If ya don't value our vows enough ta keep 'em, then we ain't married." He jammed his feet into his shoes and slammed the door on his way out of the room.
He was on his way into the kitchen when he heard voices. Jean and 'Ro. He didn't want to see them right now; he didn't want to see anyone. He turned away from the kitchen door and was about to go off to the garage, get on his bike, and leave the way he used to when he heard a voice in his head. Logan. Come into the kitchen. We need to talk to you. The voice was Jean's.
For a brief moment he considered continuing on, ignoring Jean's call, but that option was abruptly taken away from him by the appearance in his path of Xavier. Charles raised an eyebrow. "Jean is calling," he said mildly. "Aren't you going to go in?"
Logan turned, yanked open the kitchen door, and stomped inside. He'd hear whatever Red had to say, then leave. There was nothing Jean could say that would change his mind.
He sat down at the kitchen table across from Ororo and Jean, crossed his arms, and slumped into the chair. "Say what ya gotta say, Red," he growled. "Then let me go. I ain't gonna stay married ta some selfish little girl who don't keep her promises."
Jean tossed something across the table. It landed a few inches in front of him, and he reached over reluctantly and picked it up. It was a packet of razor blades. He stared at her in puzzlement, anger put aside for the moment. "What's this?"
Jean sat down at the table. "Jubilee gave it to me last night," she said. "While you were in the gym. Think about that for a moment."
He did. He knew it wasn't possible to cut one's wrist with the type of shaving razor Jubilee used; she had to have used something else. And if she'd given this to Jean…
Jean saw the comprehension in his eyes, and nodded. "Jubilee was using those to cut her wrists. I live in the room next to you both, Logan, do you think I didn't know? I lost count of how many nights I sat awake, waiting to hear her get up after you'd gone to sleep, walk into her bathroom, and cut her wrists. I kept an eye on her all that time, Logan. She never cut herself deep enough to kill herself. She knew that would hurt you if she died. She never seriously meant to kill herself."
"Then why'd she do it?" Logan turned the packet of blades over and over in his hands, staring at the thin slivers of metal inside it, wondering how Jubilee could hurt herself deliberately with them.
Jean sighed. "It's complicated." At Logan's look, she sighed again. "In Jubilee's case, I think she was…is…hurting terribly inside. And she had to find some sort of outlet for that pain. Cutting her wrists was her way of showing the pain she felt inside outwardly."
"She's still in pain?" he whispered. He understood what Jean was trying to say. "Why couldn't she tell me?"
"One, she was not yet ready to reveal her pain," Ororo said quietly. "And two, it is not easy for her to discuss what happened to her at Sabretooth's hands to you."
"Why?" Logan was stunned at the realization. He loved her; why didn't she feel like she could discuss anything with him? Especially about Creed…His fist clenched around the packet.
"Because of that." Xavier motioned to his fist. Logan slowly unclenched it, and Jean shoved a napkin under his hand to catch the blood that dripped from his palm. He'd shattered the tiny, thin plastic case the razors were stored in and cut his hand on the shards. "Because every time Creed's name is mentioned, Logan, you get angry. Jubilee is a telepath; she can sense your anger. She understands that the anger isn't directed at her…but when you get angry it clouds your ability to listen."
Jean said, "Logan, you can't expect her to talk, to deal with her pain and yours, and deal with your anger as well as her own all at once. I can't do that. I don't think you could, either. Don't ask her to do something you couldn't even do, because she's desperate now, she's willing to do almost anything to keep your love, even if it means ripping herself apart in the process. Which is what has been happening; she needs to get it all off her chest, but she can't talk to you, and she's trying desperately to keep herself together until you're ready to listen. And in the meantime she's stretching herself emotionally thin, like a rubber band. You have to calm yourself to listen to her before she snaps."
Jean took the razors from Logan's hand and wiped his hand with the napkin. His healing factor had gone to work, efficiently, and there was no trace of the cuts, though the nerves were still jumping from the pain. "She will not cut herself again, Logan. You didn't give her time to explain…but the scabs on her wrists are old ones. She hasn't cut herself for a week now, since Hank performed the surgery to remove the splinter from her body. Think, Logan. If she meant to use them again she wouldn't have given them to me."
He stared at them, then silently curled up and leaned his head on his folded arms on the table. For a while the kitchen was silent, except for the ticking of the clock. He finally understood. No, he couldn't expect Jubilee to talk to him when all he did was get angry. Just like he'd gotten angry with her when she'd tried to explain to him in the bathroom. He raised his head and looked at Jean and Xavier. "Can't you go inta my head an' suppress my emotions till she's done talkin'?"
Jean rolled her eyes, and her voice sharpened. "Logan, Jubilee is a damn telepath. She'd sense me in your head. When she starts talking, she's going to let all her barriers down; and she'll sense me in your head. Logan, don't you understand? Has anything gotten through your thick skull? Jubilee needs you. Not me, not Charles, not Ororo. You. You have to find the self-control in you to listen, and not get angry. If you can't do that for the woman you love, then maybe your marriage was a mistake." Jean slammed the kitchen door on her way out. Ororo patted Logan's shoulder and followed Jean out, closing the door with less force than the redhead had.
Xavier said into the sudden silence, "Maybe you need to get all your anger out before you can deal with hers. Logan, please talk to me."
Logan sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Damn it, Chuck, I don't know what to say! Jean asked me ta talk ta her when Jubes was in the medlabs with pneumonia, an' I didn't know what to say then, either! What do ya all wanna hear me say? That I hate Creed? Yeah, I hate him. I want that bastard in my hands so I can torture him. I wanna let my animal side out on him. I wanna hear him scream like he made my wife scream. I wanna cause him as much hurt as he caused her. I wanna hear him scream, I wanna hear him cry, I wanna hear him beg! I wanna hear him beg for me to stop his pain, like Jubilee begged him to stop hers. I want to bite a chunk of his skin out like he ripped Jubilee's hip. Ya know what I want most of all, Chuck? I wanna rip a new hole in his ass, so I can shove my claw in it an' rape him on my damn claw like he raped Jubilee with the damn stick."
Logan smashed his fist down on the kitchen table, biting his lip hard as he let out all the pent-up anger and frustration he was feeling. "She's hurtin'. Ya think I can't see that? I see the way she moves, the way she kinda curls up whenever the subject comes up. And her hurt jus' makes me madder. I can't listen ta her, cause all I hear when she starts talkin' is the sound o' her screamin' in pain, an' I wanna rip Creed up. I can't stand seein' Jubilee in pain. I wanna stop it…and I don't know how. I always been able ta do whatever I wanted ta do…but now I find somethin' I gotta do, I haveta do, and I ain't got the faintest idea how I'm supposed ta do it! There, is that what ya wanna hear, Chuck?"
"Yes," Xavier said quietly, his voice filled with satisfaction. "Yes, that's what I wanted to hear. How do you feel now? Do you feel like you can go talk to Jubilee now?"
Logan took a deep breath to start yelling again…and realized that there was an empty place inside him where the anger and fury and helpless feelings had been. He just couldn't get the anger up again to start yelling. He frowned. "Yeah. Yeah, I think I could."
"Then do so." And Xavier glided away.