Oblivious to Sirius' recent encounter (and subsequent self-beratement) with Raven Remus Lupin found himself at the dinner table with his two guests. He was slightly annoyed that they had let him sleep the whole day, and simultaneously amazed that the two of them had managed to keep things quiet enough so as not to wake him. He was grateful that they had at least awakened him for dinner, and he did, however, notice that his friends were being unusually quiet.
At first he assumed that he was only witnessing the residual effects of their being quiet all day, but that didn't make sense. When these two had pent up energy they always ended up diffusing it as soon as was allowable, in the loudest possible way. Remus remembered how absolutely no one in Gryffindor Tower could sleep on a night before a Quidditch match. It was impossible with all the noise the team's beaters made. Something was obviously up. He glanced up at Raven who was absentmindedly tapping her fork in her spinach and looking curiously at Sirius. Following her gaze he beheld Sirius, the side of his head propped on his fist pushing his food around the plate. Sirius didn't look up; choosing instead to stare intently at his food as he arranged it rather arbitrarily.
There was a clang as Raven threw down her fork in frustration. Her grey eyes were burning into Sirius with mild fury. Remus could see a fight coming and decided to break the oppressive silence.
"Raven, this is delicious," he exclaimed . It really wasn't, in fact the chicken was slightly burned and not very well seasoned, as though the chef had been distracted while preparing it, which, Remus concluded looking from witch to wizard, was probably not too far off the mark. However, seeing as neither of them had touched their food, they were in no position to argue his point. He cleared his throat.
"So," he ventured. "I'm astounded you two managed to keep me from waking all day," he paused for a moment. "Which one of you slipped me the sleeping potion?"
Neither of them responded.
Raven stared at Sirius.
Sirius stared at his plate.
Remus cleared his throat.
The clock on the mantle hammered out the seconds.
No one spoke.
Raven suddenly made an exasperated sort of noise and stood up with her plate, sweeping out through the kitchen door. The two men still seated at the table heard the violent clatter of a plate being thrown into the sink and shattering, an exclamation of frustration and the slamming of the back door. There was another ring of a dropped fork and Remus looked back at his friend. Sirius had his head in his head in his hands, his fingers pushed roughly through his hair.
"What've you done now Padfoot?" Remus asked cautiously.
"Nothing," moaned Sirius through his fingers. "That's half the problem."
"Oh?" Remus raised his eyebrows as Sirius pulled his head from his hands to look at him. He tried not to smile at Sirius' hair, which was sticking up at odd angles.
"I tried to, em… re-propose to Raven earlier this evening," he managed. "It didn't quite work out the way I planned."
"She didn't say yes?"
"I didn't even ask her."
"What?" Remus was taken aback. Sirius dropped his head back into his hands.
"I lost my nerve. I couldn't even speak coherently, it was so pathetic Moony, you would have been proud."
"Now what exactly is that supposed to mean?" Remus asked arching his eyebrows. Sirius heaved a great sigh and leaned back in his chair.
"Only that you always told me I'd make a complete idiot out of myself for a girl one day. I never believed you," he rubbed his eyes tiredly. "It's just that I don't think I could stand it if she said no."
* * *
Raven walked as fast as she could. She had no idea how much of these woods were actually Remus' property and, at the moment, she didn't care. She was frustrated, and confused, and Merlin knows what! She had ruined dinner, broken one of Remus' plates, and upset Sirius somehow, and right now she needed to be in her own element. For thirteen years she had lived alone in the wilds, barely connected with the human world, perhaps she should just go back? Since she'd arrived at Remus' her life had been one ridiculous emotional roller coaster.
"Snuffles the stray dog my eye Remus!" she yelled aloud to no one in particular.
So the enormous dog on Remus' couch isn't a beloved pet, it's only her estranged fiancé the convicted murderer, Sirius Black. No big deal?
Yeah right.
She stopped, finally and banged her fist against a tree. The action probably hurt her fist more than it did the tree, but Raven was not inclined to care, she clenched her fists tighter as red droplets formed on her knuckles.
"He's innocent, Raven," she cried aloud, shouting into the dark and silent foliage, overhead. "It shouldn't matter! Everything is different!"
"Except for the fact that he still loves you."
Taken completely by surprise, Raven whirled around to face the speaker. Sirius Black looked solemnly, and not a bit apprehensively, back at her.
He looked pale and tired.
She wondered that he had come up behind her so quietly. Granted, she had been shouting, but years in the wilderness had taught her to pick up the sounds of approaching humans or animals. One always had to be on the lookout for roaming…wait.
All at once what he had just said began to sink in, dumbfounded she stared open mouthed at this man who had just stepped out of the darkness.
"W-Wh-What?" she stammered. Sirius made a face, as though something very painful was struggling to get out of his throat.
"Except he still…loves you," he managed at long last.
Raven felt as though she had just been slapped, and must've looked it. She couldn't get her mouth, or, for that matter, any part of her to move. She just stood there, stupidly, barely believing what she had just heard, and not sure what to make of it.
He what? He still loved her? What was that supposed to mean?! Some sort of joke?? Was he trying to be funny?
Sirius wasn't speaking; he seemed to be watching her very carefully with those deepened black eyes of his. It was kind of unnerving; here in the darkness of the woods he looked a lot more like the escaped convict that still appeared from time to time in the Daily Prophet.
The silence stretched between them, Sirius seemed to be waiting for Raven's reaction, but she couldn't, for the life of her, figure out how she should react.
What on earth was she supposed to say to that? Fourteen years of estrangement, and now THIS! Whatever THIS was.
After James and Lily's deaths, Raven had found that the only way she could cope with events, was just to tell herself that Sirius was dead. Dead like James, dead like Lily, dead like Caela, dead like her parents, dead like all the victims of Voldemort, those she knew and those she didn't. The problem, of course, had been that Sirius was not dead. He was very much alive and standing directly in front of her looking absolutely terrified.
When she had first seen Sirius standing in Remus' kitchen her first thought was that she was seeing a ghost. In the moments that followed, the dam that she had erected in her mind, to keep all those painful memories at bay, broke. She suddenly remembered that Sirius was indeed alive, and that he was a murderous traitor. Or not... Merlin! She was so confused! Next she had to be convinced of his innocence and now THIS!
What was THIS?
"I could kill you Sirius, I really could," Raven finally said in a low voice. Sirius lowered his head. She closed her eyes. "and then, other times," she faltered "…I just want to wrap my arms around you and hold you tight and never let go." Opening her eyes she saw him looking up at her again, hope reflected in those dark, fathomless eyes. Raven felt her own eyes smarting and blinked.
I do not want to cry!
"I don't know what to feel anymore, Sirius," she forced her voice to remain low and steady. "I hate you. I do, my head keeps telling me that I hate you. But I know in my heart, that I love you ten times more." A mutinous tear slipped down her face and she choked back a sob. "Nothing has changed has it? All these years, so many years…and we're still exactly the same."
"I'm sorry" Sirius croaked, fishing vainly for something to say. He seemed to want to reach out to her, but held himself back. "I'll do whatever you want me to, Raven. I'll leave you alone and you will never have to see me again,"
She sucked in her breath. Not that!
"…or" Sirius continued quickly. "I will stay with you, and hold you and… regardless, I will love you every second of every day for the rest of my life. I will do anything you ask of me. Anything, anything!" he begged, she could tell he didn't know what else to say. Still fighting back tears that wouldn't stay, Raven found herself equally at a loss for words. For several long moments neither of them spoke, until Sirius suddenly shook his head angrily and dug furiously into his pocket, before stretching out his hand to her.
Raven's breath caught in her throat when she saw what lay on his upturned palm. It was a ring, so cunningly contrived, that at first glance it appeared only a plain wrought band of silver, but upon closer inspection, the lithe form of a dragon was apparent.
It was the ring with which he had first proposed to her. She could hardly believe he still had it. Through all those years in Azkaban… Raven remembered, bitterly, how she had wrenched it off her hand and thrown it at him with all her anger and hatred on the night he was caught.
Sirius stood rigidly still had his hand held out to her, bracing himself and waiting for her reaction.
She knew she had to give him some sort of response. Biting her lip with resolve she reached out to take the ring as it gleamed in the moonlight. She barely heard Sirius' sigh of relief as she examined it. There was a ding in it, probably where it had struck the prison cell wall. Looking back up at him, she saw him take a step towards her, and in that instant she knew she couldn't face him. Not yet.
Forgetting she still had the ring clutched tightly in her hand she turned and fled into wood.