Warning: The following chapter should not be used for any type of teaching exercise. It's way too immature and deranged for anyone.

Sex Education for Mutants

"I can't believe we all have to do this," Kitty grumbled as they sat in one of the classrooms. Where's Jamie anyway?"

"He and the Triplets went with Mr. McCoy to another class to talk about it," Scott told her.

"The Triplets are here now?" Amara moaned. "Great!"

"Are they really that bad?" Amanda asked Kurt.

"You have no idea," Kurt sighed.

"This class is such a waste of time for me," Rogue grumbled as she folded her arms. "I mean how exactly am I gonna do anything if I can't touch anyone?"

"That depends," Pietro said. "How much do you like body stockings and leather outfits?"

"Okay I'm gonna kill Pietro!" Rogue shouted. "Who wants to help me?" Several X-Men and Misfits alike raised their hands.

"Nobody is going to kill anybody," Ororo told them.

"Don't say that this early in the day," Xi said.

"Now you are all here so that we can discuss certain…feelings that some of you may have," Xavier sighed. "I realize that these are confusing times for all of you. Some of you would like to express your feelings in a physical way."

"Yeah I'd love to beat the crap out of a certain Cajun who keeps coming into my room and wrecking it!" Rogue called out.

"Hey Logan started it," Remy told her.

"I did not!" Logan snapped.

"Did too," Remy said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"You're both responsible so just shut up!" Rogue snapped.

"Children! And I don't just mean the ones who are teenagers…" Ororo glared at Logan. "We're trying to help you make some responsible choices about how to handle your sexuality."

"Listen to them. Look romantic feelings are fragile at best and not to be screwed with," Logan started to say. He winced. "Please tell me I did not say that."

"Listen," Xavier tried to express his feelings. "I understand how you feel but sexual activity is not something you should take lightly. It's best left when two responsible, mature individuals in love…preferably adults handle it. There are consequences for your actions. You could end up getting a sexually transmitted disease or become pregnant and be responsible for another life before you're ready. Teenage sex can be dangerous."

"Oh and having lasers fired at us every day isn't?" Pietro asked. "Come on Xavier, we're mutants. We have people all over the world every day that want nothing more than to see us dead or worse. Our lives are already dangerous and we already have to face a lot more stuff than most teens. If we're responsible enough to go out into the battlefield, we should be responsible enough to do what we want in the bedroom."

"All right!" Remy crowed. "Tell it like it is!"

"Oh really?" Rogue glared at him. "And when were you planning on doing anything in the bedroom?"

"Uh…" Remy gulped. "Well you see…"

"Never mind! Even if I could be with you I still wouldn't!" Rogue snapped. "Yet some people don't trust me enough to even make that decision!" She glared at Logan.

"Stripes I didn't…I mean…" Logan sputtered.

"Well if you aren't going to say it I will," Pietro remarked. "Rogue we all know you're a good girl and Jean's a slut."

"WHAT?" Jean shouted.

"Thanks Pietro…I think…" Rogue grumbled.

"I AM NOT A SLUT!" Jean shouted.

"Yeah right!" Tabitha snickered.

"Look who's talking!" Jean glared at her.

"Hey! I never did it with a guy in the back seat of the car," Tabitha smirked.

"Or has done it period," Wanda remarked. "Tabby's all talk and no action. Jean on the other hand…"

"That makes Scott a slut too," Xi remarked. "Since he is active with Jean."

"No Scott would not be a slut Xi," Fred told him. "The correct term is gigolo. I think."

"THAT'S IT!" Scott reached for his visor. "You're gonna be blasted into next Tuesday!"

"ALL RIGHT LISTEN UP!" Logan roared. "NEW RULE! NOBODY IS GOING TO BE DOING ANYTHING WITH ANYBODY UNTIL THEY REACH THE AGE OF THIRTY! GOT IT? AND IF YOU CAN'T!" He shot his claws out. "I'LL MAKE SURE YOU DON'T!"

"Logan you can't scare them into abstinence!" Ororo said.

"Why not?" Logan snapped. "Sounds like a plan to me!"

"What's wrong with abstinence?" Kurt shouted. "You all make it sound like it's a dirty word!"

"Isn't it?" Remy asked. Then Rogue hit him on the head. "OW!"

"Kurt's right," Amanda said. "We've talked about this and we've decided to stay celibate until we're older."

"Yes! Listen to them!" Logan said. "Do what they do?"

"You mean heavy petting instead?" Tabitha asked.

"How did you find out about that?" Amanda shouted.

"On second thought don't do what they do…" Logan groaned.

"Some discussion this is," Bobby groaned. "You guys yelling at us."

"Whatever works! Abstinence! Abstinence! Abstinence!" Logan shouted.

"This is getting entirely out of hand," Xavier groaned.

"Look who's talking!" Rogue snapped at Logan. "What about you and Jinx? Huh? You two get it on like bunnies every time we turn our backs! It's disgusting! Remember the camping trip from hell? How about when we caught you on my birthday playing spin the bottle in your underwear with Ororo, Hank and the Joes?"

"Yeah if anything would scare us into not having sex that would be it," Althea shuddered.

"Even hearing about that gives me the willies," Todd grumbled.

"Oh please somebody take that picture out of my head!" Sam groaned.

"Yeah why don't you guys practice what you preach?" Rogue snapped. "Just because you guys run around wild doesn't mean we do it. Well most of us." She looked at Jean. "Some of us are smarter than that. You should trust us."

"I never said I didn't trust you," Logan told Rogue. "It's Gumbo I don't trust!"

"Well you have a point," Rogue shrugged.

"What is this? Gang Up on the Cajun Day?" Remy gasped.

"Ooh! I know how to celebrate that holiday!" Todd grinned. He started to throw paper airplanes at him.

Gambit began to charge a paper airplane. "You wanna see some fireworks?"

"Remy no!" Ororo shouted. "Put that out! Can we please get back to a calm rational discussion here?"

"Since when was this discussion calm and rational?" Xi asked. "I find this all quite amusing. The younger ones are either preoccupied with learning about sexuality or trying to control it in order to make a rational decision. And the adults are too overprotective of the young and are forced to refer on their own experiences with sex to try to find a way to balance it. This also makes them even more irrational. Therefore it is impossible to have a calm rational discussion about sexuality."

"At least with this group," Lance groaned.

"Ironically I am the person most qualified to head any rational discussion on sex," Xi said. "Being without a gender does have its benefits. I have no hormones or hang ups to worry about. Sex seems to be more about emotions than the act itself."

"That is without a doubt the most totally ridiculous thing I have ever heard!" Logan snapped.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!" A herd of Jamies ran in while being chased by the Triplets.

"I couldn't contain them!" Hank shouted as he ran in. "Help me! I need help!"

"And I need to make a study of this for my notes," Xi wrote things down on a pad.

"And I need to seriously get back at a certain Toad!" Remy tackled Todd.

"And I need to have a talk with you Rogue!" Jean snapped.

"And I need you to get a life Jean!" Rogue snapped. Soon all the Misfits and X-men were squabbling with each other.

"And I have got to get a stronger brand of aspirin…" Xavier sighed as he popped some pills into his mouth.

Next: What happens when Roadblock and Beast face off in a cooking match? Besides a huge fire? Stay tuned for the madness!