CHAPTER 10
STILL FIVE YEARS EARLIER
"I don't know if I'm happy Mulder. All I know is that I can't do this anymore. I can't chase aliens and monsters all over the country anymore. I can't chase this illusive truth that's not really there. I want a family. I need to move on with my life. I need a real life." She looked away from him as she whispered that last part.
"You think a life with him is going to be a real life? Just wait. You aren't going to be happy in your marriage. This isn't what you want Scully. This isn't what you need." He paused and looked at her. "Hell, I would rather go on chasing the truth for as long as I live than settle. That's what you're doing, you know. You're settling. And for what? So that you can keep on your little schedule? You think it's about time to settle down, so you're settling for the first guy who's asked you. You don't care that he isn't right for you. You'd marry someone who you know isn't right rather than wait for the real thing. You're sacrificing your happiness, the promise of what could be. But you know what? I'm not going to argue with you anymore about this. You're going to do whatever you want, so just do it. But don't be surprised."
Scully's eyes were glassed over with tears and she turned from him. "You don't know what I want," she whispered. He grabbed her arm and pulled her around. She stumbled into his chest and their eyes met for one brief moment before she looked away. He put one hand on her chin and turned her face up to his and kissed her, just for one brief moment.
"I think I do know what you want Scully. It's the same thing I've wanted for the last eight years. Don't go Scully."
"Don't make me."
FIVE YEARS LATER
"I should have stayed," Dana said ruefully, shaking her head.
"But I thought you said that you wouldn't trade your children for anything." Mulder was looking closely at her. Too closely.
"I wouldn't. But Mulder, there's something you should know. I don't really know how to tell you this, but I have to. You have rights, rights that I've taken from you. Look, I. . ." She broke down and started crying. "I should have sad this a long time ago. I don't really know why I didn't. Well, I know a few reasons, but they didn't exist in the beginning. That day you brought the locket, I should have told you then. But I didn't. I should have told you before then even, but. . ."
"Scully, what are you talking about?"
"Don't call me that."
"What?"
"Scully. I'm not 'Scully' anymore. I'm Dana now. I'm not the same woman I was back then. I wish I was, but what good is wishing in a world where prayers aren't even answered."
"Scully," Mulder said, ignoring the look she shot him. "I haven't known you to abandon your faith like this. Why now?"
She laughed cynically. "Mulder, you don't know the hell that I've been through. Wait, you probably do. That's why I can't tell you this. You're the only person who has ever understood me. You're the only person who has ever sacrificed like I have. And this is how I repay you. I don't deserve to have you looking at me like that. All trust and understanding. Not when I've done what I've done."
"Stop playing games Scully. What are you talking about? What have you done?"
"Stop calling me that."
"I'll call you whatever the hell I want, Scully."
"God! You . . . I . . . Emma's yours," Scully finally blurted out.
"What?" Mulder visibly recoiled from his position leaning towards Dana.
"See. I never should have come here. You welcome me into your home, introduce me to your niece, and I tell you how I've betrayed you for the past five years. I'm sorry. I know I should have told you. But you know what they say. Hindsight's 20-20."
He just sat there, shaking his head. "I have a daughter."
"She looks like you." He couldn't bring himself to look at her.
"Can you leave? I . . . I don't know what to do right now. I just need to be alone."
"Alright Mulder. But will you ever forgive me?"
"I don't know." She stood to leave. "Before you go, do you have a picture of her?" She pulled a snapshot out of her purse, the one that had sat on her bedside table for the past year. It was of the little girl smiling, playing in the sun at the beach. Her father's looks were so strong in that picture, it pained Dana to part with it. But she handed it to him. "Thank you Dana." Mulder didn't stand as she walked out of the room. He just stared at the picture.
Dana walked to her car and shut the door. Once she was behind the wheel, the tears flowed freely. She crossed her arms over the top of the steering wheel and rested her forehead on top of them, letting the sobs shake her shoulders before she started the engine.
STILL FIVE YEARS EARLIER
"I don't know if I'm happy Mulder. All I know is that I can't do this anymore. I can't chase aliens and monsters all over the country anymore. I can't chase this illusive truth that's not really there. I want a family. I need to move on with my life. I need a real life." She looked away from him as she whispered that last part.
"You think a life with him is going to be a real life? Just wait. You aren't going to be happy in your marriage. This isn't what you want Scully. This isn't what you need." He paused and looked at her. "Hell, I would rather go on chasing the truth for as long as I live than settle. That's what you're doing, you know. You're settling. And for what? So that you can keep on your little schedule? You think it's about time to settle down, so you're settling for the first guy who's asked you. You don't care that he isn't right for you. You'd marry someone who you know isn't right rather than wait for the real thing. You're sacrificing your happiness, the promise of what could be. But you know what? I'm not going to argue with you anymore about this. You're going to do whatever you want, so just do it. But don't be surprised."
Scully's eyes were glassed over with tears and she turned from him. "You don't know what I want," she whispered. He grabbed her arm and pulled her around. She stumbled into his chest and their eyes met for one brief moment before she looked away. He put one hand on her chin and turned her face up to his and kissed her, just for one brief moment.
"I think I do know what you want Scully. It's the same thing I've wanted for the last eight years. Don't go Scully."
"Don't make me."
FIVE YEARS LATER
"I should have stayed," Dana said ruefully, shaking her head.
"But I thought you said that you wouldn't trade your children for anything." Mulder was looking closely at her. Too closely.
"I wouldn't. But Mulder, there's something you should know. I don't really know how to tell you this, but I have to. You have rights, rights that I've taken from you. Look, I. . ." She broke down and started crying. "I should have sad this a long time ago. I don't really know why I didn't. Well, I know a few reasons, but they didn't exist in the beginning. That day you brought the locket, I should have told you then. But I didn't. I should have told you before then even, but. . ."
"Scully, what are you talking about?"
"Don't call me that."
"What?"
"Scully. I'm not 'Scully' anymore. I'm Dana now. I'm not the same woman I was back then. I wish I was, but what good is wishing in a world where prayers aren't even answered."
"Scully," Mulder said, ignoring the look she shot him. "I haven't known you to abandon your faith like this. Why now?"
She laughed cynically. "Mulder, you don't know the hell that I've been through. Wait, you probably do. That's why I can't tell you this. You're the only person who has ever understood me. You're the only person who has ever sacrificed like I have. And this is how I repay you. I don't deserve to have you looking at me like that. All trust and understanding. Not when I've done what I've done."
"Stop playing games Scully. What are you talking about? What have you done?"
"Stop calling me that."
"I'll call you whatever the hell I want, Scully."
"God! You . . . I . . . Emma's yours," Scully finally blurted out.
"What?" Mulder visibly recoiled from his position leaning towards Dana.
"See. I never should have come here. You welcome me into your home, introduce me to your niece, and I tell you how I've betrayed you for the past five years. I'm sorry. I know I should have told you. But you know what they say. Hindsight's 20-20."
He just sat there, shaking his head. "I have a daughter."
"She looks like you." He couldn't bring himself to look at her.
"Can you leave? I . . . I don't know what to do right now. I just need to be alone."
"Alright Mulder. But will you ever forgive me?"
"I don't know." She stood to leave. "Before you go, do you have a picture of her?" She pulled a snapshot out of her purse, the one that had sat on her bedside table for the past year. It was of the little girl smiling, playing in the sun at the beach. Her father's looks were so strong in that picture, it pained Dana to part with it. But she handed it to him. "Thank you Dana." Mulder didn't stand as she walked out of the room. He just stared at the picture.
Dana walked to her car and shut the door. Once she was behind the wheel, the tears flowed freely. She crossed her arms over the top of the steering wheel and rested her forehead on top of them, letting the sobs shake her shoulders before she started the engine.