X Evolution and Tiny Toons all belong to WB.
Fuzzy Wuzzy Huggy Wuggies
Elmyra Duff went skipping through the woods one day. Many girls found it difficult to skip wearing Mary Janes, but not Elmyra. Her family had just moved to Bayville from Acme Acres and she wanted to acquaint herself with all the cute forrest animals. The squirrels and rabbits that inhabited the woods surrounding the Xavier Institute knew instinctivly not to even allow themselves to be seen by Elmyra. She looked sweet and innocent, but she was evil.
"Go long, Kurt!" Scott shouted. The students who lived at the Xavier Institute were playing a game of football.
"I got it, I got it!" the blue German yelled as he ran after the football. It sailed over
his head and landed somewhere in the woods. "I don't got it."
"I'll go get it." said Scott.
"That's OK," said Kurt. "I think I can find it." Kurt walked into the woods, not knowing the doom that awaited him.
The football landed at Elmyra's feet. "What's this?" she asked herself, picking it up. Kurt saw the girl with the ball. He was about to turn on his inducer and politly ask for the ball back when she turned her head. Nein, she sees me! he thought. He steeled himself for the shriek that was sure to come. People always screamed the first time they saw him. Girls especially.
She didn't scream. In fact, she looked delighted. "Ooh! Lookit the cute fuzzy elf!" she squealed. Before Kurt could respond, he was knocked down by the incredible force of the girl's bone crushing embrace. "I'm gonna hug you, and squeeze you, and pet you until you fall to itty bitty pieces!"
Kurt found himself wishing the child had screamed and ran away. He was screaming and trying to get away himself. The little girl was strong for her size. "Let me go!" He cried out, pushing her away. He noticed that she wore a bow in her red hair. A bow decorated with a skull.
The girl grabbed his tail and proceeded to skip away, dragging Kurt painfully across the
ground. "I'm gonna take you home," she was saying. "And lock you in a cage so you can never, ever, ever leave."
Kurt had nightmares about such things. He quickly 'ported out of the girl's grasp. "Hey!"
said Elmyra. "Where did the Fuzzy Wuzzy go?" She skipped throught the woods. "Come back, Fuzzy
Wuzzy!" she called.
Kurt turned on his inducer. It would serve as a disguise in case that silly girl showed up again. He picked up the dropped football and felt a tap on his shoulder. "Skuse me,mister." It was the insane red haired girl again. "Have you seen a cute furry blue elf around here?"
Kurt couldn't resist. "Did he have a long blue tail like this?" Kurt showed her his tail.
"Uh-huh."
"Did he have pointy ears, like this?" He turned off the inducer.
"Uh-huh." Elmyra nodded.
"And did he disappear in a puff of smoke, like this?" Kurt 'ported behind Elmyra.
She turned to him. "Yeah, that's right!" she said.
"No, I'm affraid I haven't seen him."
"Oh, pooh!" Elmyra said dejectedly. She walked away. Kurt headed back to the Institute, not believing how easy this girl was to fool.
"Hey!" Elmyra suddenly realized. "That was the fuzzy!"
Kurt sprinted through the woods. Wagner's at the 50, he thought to himself. At the 40,
the 30, the 20, he could go all the...A sharp colision interrupted his football fantasy.
"Toad! What are you doing here?"
"Hello to you too, Fuzzface." said Todd, rising up to a crouching position.
"Going to put another flaming bag of crap on our back porch, I suppose."
"Nah, I just wanted to see if Rogue was up for anything."
"Toad, you'd better run. There's a maniac on the loose. She wears a skull in her red hair."
"So? I've dealt with your mom before, fool."
"It's not Mystique! It's..."
"Where are you, Mr. Cuddlykins?" Elmyra skipped into view.
"Eesh, she /is/ freaky." Todd started to hop away.
"Ooh!" she squealed. "Lookit the cute green hippity-hop!"
"Huh?" Todd paused a moment. It was a moment too long. The stout arms wound around his neck and squeezed, choking him.
"I'm gonna huggle you and snuggle you to death!" she promised.
"Ack! Ack! Le'go!" Todd begged, pulling at the arms that were strangling him. Kurt chuckled at the sight of his rival being smothered by the crazy girl. Todd's tongue was lolling out and he was turning an interesting shade of purple.
"I'm gonna take you home," Elmyra promised, dragging the amphibious mutant away. "comb your hair, and dress you in pink!"
Todd finally wormed out of the girl's grasp. "Look, girly." he said. "You don't want me
for a pet, yo."
"I don't?"
"Nah, I'm all gross and slimy. What you want is something soft and furry. Like that blue
elf." He pointed at Kurt.
"Fuzzy!" Elmyra cried as she jumped into Kurt's arms. "Ooh, he's cuddly! Just like a
stuffed aminal!"
"Listen, Madchen," Kurt said calmly. "You /can't/ take me home as a pet."
"Why?"
"Because...it's not elf season yet."
"Elf season?"
"Ja! You can only capture elves during elf season. But it /is/ toad season. So go back and catch that nice big toad!"
"Just a minute!" Todd said indignantly. "You can't go lying to this kid, yo! It's elf season."
"Toad season!" Kurt protested.
"Elf season!" Todd retorted.
"I just gotsta hug one of you!" Elmyra whined, opening her arms.
"Hug him." Kurt pointed her arms at Todd. "It's toad season, after all."
"It's elf season!" Todd pointed the arms at Kurt.
"Toad season!"
"Elf season!"
"Toad season!"
"Elf season!"
Kurt got a brilliant idea. "Elf season." he said, positioning the arms at himself.
"Toad season! Hug!" Todd unwittingly positioned her arms toward himself and was once more
smothered in an enthusiastic hug.
"Ooh, I'm gonna cover my froggy in kissies untill he turns into a prince!"
Todd struggled to push her off. Kurt stayed to watch the fun. "Let go of me!" Todd protested."Listen, um, who are you, anyway?"
"My name's Elmyra. And you're cute!"
"Listen, Elmyra, you want a pet, right?"
"Right."
"And pets have fur so you can pet them, right?"
"Right."
"And if he was all furry," Kurt suggested. "What would you do?"
"Yeah," said Todd. "You're so smart, if I was all furry, what would you do?"
"Well," Elmyra hopped into his arms. "I'd hug you and stroke you and..."
"Stop it! Stop it!" Todd protested as Kurt laughed. "I'm not the fuzzy, you idiot! /He's/
the fuzzy!"
"He's right." Kurt sighed. "I'm the fuzzy. Would you like to hug me now or wait 'till you
get home?"
"Hug him now!" Todd shouted.
"You keep out of this!" Kurt said indignantly. "She doesn't have to hug you now!"
"She does so have to hug me now!" Todd turned to Elmyra. "So hug me now!" Elmyra jumped on Todd again and peppered his face with kisses. "Not again!" he groaned.
Kurt chuckled. "It's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself!"
"That's it!" Todd spit a wad of slime in Elmyra's face. "I am outta here, yo!" He leaped
away. Kurt got on all fours and galloped away.
Elmyra whiped the goo away with one arm. "Come back, cuddly-wuddlies!" she called, chasing them. "I have so much love to give!"
Scott groaned and looked at his watch. "Man, where the heck is Kurt with that football?"
Just then, he was knocked down by a panicked Kurt and Todd. "What are you doing here, Tolensky?" he demanded.
"Crazy girl, woods," he panted.
"Ja," Kurt panted. "We were chased by this crazy girl who wanted to lock me in a cage!"
"Whoa, calm down, Kurt." said Scott. "Now, breathe slowly and tell me...where is the football?"
"Football!" Kurt screamed. "An insane red-head is on the loose and all you can think about is your verdamt football?!"
"Insane red-head? Kurt, are you sure you didn't just see Mystique?"
"For the last time, it's not Mystique!" said Kurt. "It was..."
"Yoo-hoo!" called a voice. "Where are my fuzzy wuzzy huggy wuggies?"
Kurt and Todd screamed and made a run for it. Elmyra chased them. "Come back here and get snuggled!" she demanded.
They lured her into the danger room. Kurt pressed some buttons. "What're you doin' fool?" Todd asked.
"Buying us some time." he replied. "Now get to hopping!"
"Are you in here, cuddlykins?" Elmyra asked.
Todd cringed. "Remind me to apologize to Wanda for all the times I called her that."
A steel wall crashed into her, flattening her. She merely slipped out, paper thin, but
otherwise quite alive and mobile.
"Holy crap!" Todd shouted. "She's a mutant too, yo!"
"Something's got to stop her!" said Kurt. A laser blast struck her. She turned into a little pile of ashes with a pair of blinking eyes on top. She pulled a tiny dustpan and broom out of nowhere, swept herself up, and carried herself away.
Todd rubbed his eyes. "Did you just see that, yo?"
"Unglaubiche." Kurt sighed.
"I'm baa-aaaak!" Elmyra shouted, re-entering the room in one piece.
"Nien!" Kurt shouted. "You're dead!"
"Silly Fuzzy-wuzzy," Elmyra giggled. "It's gonna take more than that to keep me from my cute, cuddly aminals."
"We're not aminals!" Kurt protested. "Uh, I mean animals."
A spinning blade lopped off Elmyra's head. Her body simply wandered around, feeling the ground, looking for its head. "Warmer, warmer," her head was saying to its body.
Both boys watched slack jawed as Elmyra screwed her head back in place. "There, that's better." she said. "Now, it's time to stop playing games and take one of you cuddlies home with me."
Kurt sighed. "I guess you're right. Would you like to hug Todd here or wait 'till you get home?"
"Oh, you're not fooling me again, yo!" said Todd. He turned to Elmyra. "Wait 'till you get home." He left arm in arm with Elmyra. He turned and gave Kurt a raspberry, thinking he had outsmarted him.
Kurt shook his head. "Ain't I a stinker?" he asked himself.
It wasn't untill Todd found himself in a girl's bedroom, surrounded by wall to wall stuffed toys, somewhere in the suburbs that Todd realized his mistake. "Ooh, I am so STUPID!" he growled.
"Bath time!" Elmyra cried, draagging him to the bathroom.
"Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!" Todd screamed, desperatly trying to hop out of her grasp. She was freakishly strong. Elmyra filled the tub with water and bubble bath. Todd screamed and ran for the door. Elmyra grabbed him.
"In you go!" she said as she gleefully tossed him in the tub, clothes and all.
It was bad enough Todd was forced to bathe against his will. Bad enough that his clothes
were thoroughly soaked. Bad enough that the soap smelled like peaches and pomegranite. Bad enough that he had to be degraded by having this girl scrub him. Worst of all was the song she sang as she roughly worked the soap through his hair and sensitive skin.
This is the way we wash our pets.
Wash our pets, wash our pets
This is the way we wash our pets
'Cuz they're filthy disgusting and yucky.
The humiliation wasn't over. She nearly fried him with a blowdrier. She sprayed him with perfume and sprinkled him with baby powder. She combed his hair and tied pink ribbons in it. "There," she sighed. "You're gorgeous!" Todd looked in the mirror and screamed. Elmyra took his hand and led him back to her room.
She locked something around his ankle. Todd realized his foot was in a manacle chained to a metal loop bolted to the floor.
"There," said Elmyra. "Now my precious weshus hippity hop can't run away." Todd was hit by an insane urge to gnaw through his leg. Elmyra got out a small table and some chairs. She seated some of her stuffed toys at the table and laid out a tea set. "Sit down." Todd decided he'd better do as she said and gingerly sat in the Lilipution chair. His legs were bent up, but it was a position he was used to anyway. "Now, this is Barbette," Elmyra introduced Todd to her dolls and stuffed toys. "This is Joey, this is Flopsy and this is Alphonse. You get acquainted while I get some tea and cookies."
As soon as she was gone, Todd looked for a means of escape. Pink nail file on the dresser. He retrieved it with his tongue and started picking the lock. He almost had it open when the door flew open and he heard that annoying squeeky voice.
"Mommy won't let me use hot water to make tea, so we'll have Kool-Aid, OK?" She sat a pitcher of Kool-Aid and two packages of cookies on the table. She saw what Todd was doing. He sheepishly tried to hide the nail file behind his back. "Hey, you weren't trying to escape, were you?" Elmyra shook an index finger at her captive.
"E-escape? Heck no!" Todd lied. "I was-er-giving Alphonse a manicure, yo! Yeah!" He picked up a clown doll and mimicked filing its miniscule fingernails.
"Silly froggy!" Elmyra giggled. "The clown's name is Joey. Alphonse is the poodle." She took a seat and started pouring Kool-Aid into tiny tea cups. "We can play beauty parlor later. Right now, we're playing tea party." She sat the cup in front of Todd. "How many cookies do you want? I've got Oreos and Chips Ahoy."
"A couple of each, I guess."
"Ah, ah, say please."
"Please."
"Here you go!"
Elmyra layed the cookies on his plate. Todd considered his cup of Kool-Aid. "Say, this ain't the Jim Jones blend, is it?"
"I don't think so."
She's drinkin' it. Todd observed. So there can't be anything wrong with it. He took a sip. Mmm...grape. He picked up an Oreo and twisted it apart. His tongue zipped out and licked off the creme center.
"Ah, ah, no tongues at the table!" Elmyra chided.
"This is how I always eat Oreos." He tossed one of the chocolate discs in the air and nabbed it with his tongue. Great, now the Oreo jinggle is stuck in my head. Who's that kid with the Oreo cookie?....O-R-E-O. Na-bis-co, ding!
Meanwhile, Kurt kicked back in the common room at the X Mansion and tried to watch the latest episode of /The Sopranos./ Suddenly, a tiny Kurt with white wings and a halo popped up on his shoulder. "Kurt," it said. "You know it was wrong to let Elmyra carry Todd away."
"You again!" Kurt started.
"Yeah, it's me." Scott had just entered the room. "I found my football, no thanks to you."
"That was very, very wrong, Kurt." the little angel scolded. "What if it had been you?"
"Will you just go away!?"
"Hey, the common room's for everyone!" Scott snapped.
"Sorry, Scott, I wasn't talking to you." Scott looked around. Who /was/ he talking to? Of course, only Kurt could see the little angel.
"What if she's hurting him?" the angel said plaintivly. "Elmyra certainly isn't the gentle type. You should try to save him."
Just then, a tiny Kurt with red horns and bearing a pitchfork popped up on Kurt's other shoulder. "Ah, screw the stinky frog boy." it said. "You know that if the situation were reversed, /he'd/ leave you to that dopey red head."
"Is that what you want, Kurt?" asked the angel. "To become like Todd?"
"No," he groaned.
"Ok, so I won't change the channel." Scott put down the remote. "You've got an attitude this evening, dude!"
"The hell with Todd!" said the little devil. "/The Sopranos/ is on!"
"So tape it!" said the little angel.
"Will you be quiet!" Kurt demanded.
"I didn't say anything!" said Scott.
"You should tell Scott what happened." said the angel. "Get him to help you."
"Screw that!" said the devil. "What you need to do is hot wire Goggle-boy's car, drive off to NYC and pick you up some honeys!"
"Confession is going to be Hell for me this week, I just know it." Kurt shook his head.
"Dude, what's the matter with you?" asked Scott.
"Scott, I did something that I feel bad about."
"Losing my football? It's cool, I found it."
"No! It's Todd and the crazy girl. I-I sort of tricked both of them. Todd went off with her. She said her name was Elmyra. She wanted to keep us as pets."
"Uh-huh..."
"She's way strong for a girl her age and she's practically indestructable! She made Juggernaut look like a marshmallow! I-I can't leave Toad to that monster. Not even he deserves that."
"Sounds like a new mutant. Maybe we can ask the Professor to use Cerebro to help find him."
Meanwhile, Todd was subjected to the horror of playing beauty parlor. While he mimicked giving the clown doll a manicure, Elmyra took the pink ribbons out of his hair. He thought he would be grateful, until she started twining pink sponge rollers in his hair. He gagged as she covered his head with liberal amounts of hairspray.
"Joey's nails look pretty now." said Elmyra. "Now do his hair while I go mix you up a mud mask." She clamped another leg iron on him. "We can't have you tryin' to escape now, can we, Snugglebumps?"
As soon as she was gone, Todd went to work picking the lock. The door soon opened. A tall slim girl of about 16 stood there. She had black hair and was dressed in black with silver studded jewelry. Todd always had a thing for goth chicks. "So, you're Elmyra's new little pet, huh?" she asked. "Trying to pull a Kunta Kinte, right?"
"Uh, uh, ummm...." he intelligently responded.
"Don't sweat it. I'm not insane like my little sister." She removed a pillow from the bed. "Here's where she hides her spare keys. Hold still a minute." She unlocked the fetters.
"Thanks, um..."
"Amanda. Amanda Duff. Wanna come to my room?"
"Um, um, uh..." You got a girlfriend, fool! Tell her!
"No pressure." said Amanda. "Just thought you might want me to take out those curlers before you go, change into something that isn't sopping wet. I've got a bunch of episodes of /Punky Brewster/ on video tape."
"Well, OK." Just videos. Yeah. Marie won't get mad if all we do is watch some videos.
Meanwhile, Professor X was using Cerebro to locate the kidnapped mutant. "I don't think this Elmyra person is a mutant." he said after a while.
"Her strength would put Beast to shame." said Kurt. "She survived being flattened, incinerated and decapitated. What else could she be!?"
"We can still find Todd." said the Professor. "If he uses his mutant abilities while in captivity."
"Shouldn't be too hard." said Scott. "That guy hardly ever goes anywhere without hopping."
"What if she has him locked up or something?" said Kurt. "He couldn't hop then."
"There's still the tongue." Scott suggested.
"I found him." the Professor finally said. "364 Burbank Drive."
"Sehr gute." said Kurt. "We may need backup."
"For one little girl?" said Scott.
"She's not just a little girl!" said Kurt.
Amanda Duff leaned against the wall outside her bedroom door. It opened. "OK, I'm decent." said Todd. He was wearing black socks, black jeans and an oversized black buttoned shirt. Both he and Amanda were quite slender, so it more or less fitted.
"It's a good look for you." said Amanda. She put a tape in the VCR. "I put your things in the dryer. Have a seat and I'll take out the curlers."
Todd sat on the end of the bed and watched /Punky Brewster/ while Amanda knelt behind him and unrolled the curlers. "So, Amanda, haven't I seen you around school?"
"Yeah, just moved here from a Hellhole called Acme Acres." she said as she worked. "My Dad's an inventor, so he wanted to move closer to New York. So, here I am, in another podunk suburb with my stupid family away from what few friends I made. Going to a confining high school where dumbass teachers keep mixing me up with the other Amanda."
"Amanda Sefton, you mean?"
"Yeah. Complete goody-goody if you ask me. What about you? Your parents piss you off?"
"Umm...I don't have parents, exactly."
"Really? Cool! No one hasslein' you, telling you what to do. Must be great!"
"Yeah, great." Todd said dryly.
"OK, I got 'em all." she said after awhile. "Whoa, Elmyra used the Aquanet on you. Untill you get that washed out, you're stuck with the Shirley Temple look."
"That's alright, I've had enough baths for today."
The door slammed open. Elmyra stood there, hands on hips, looking very cross. "Amanda Jane Duff!" she said accusingly. "What do you think you're doing with /my/ cuddly-wuddly?"
"His name is Todd." said Amanda. "And he's a human being who shouldn't be treated like one of your stupid pets. Hell, your pets shouldn't be treated the way you do!"
"Preach on, Sistah Girl!" said Todd.
Meanwhile, Nightcrawler, Cyclops, Jean Grey and Rogue were lurking in bushes just across the street from the Duff house. "OK," said Scott. "Here's the plan. Nightcrawler 'ports to the top of the roof and gains entry from there. Jean Grey will secure the perimiter while Rogue and I enter from East and West."
"Or," Kurt suggested. "We can ring the doorbell and ask if Todd's there."
"That...just might work!"
Mrs. Duff answered the door. "Oh, my." she said to the four teenagers. "Is it Halloween already?"
"We're looking for our, um, friend, Todd." said Scott. "Is he here?"
"Todd?" Mrs. Duff thought to the last time she heard that name. "Oh, you couldn't mean Elmyra's immaginary play mate, could you?"
"Elmyra lives here?" asked Kurt.
"She's my youngest daughter." said Mrs. Duff. "She was in here not long ago asking if she could make tea so she and Todd could have a party. I let her have some Kool-Aid. I assumed Todd was an immaginary friend. We just moved here, you know, Elmyra might be a bit lonely. I was sure he had to be made up when she described him to me. Green-grey skin, big yellow eyes, long sticky tongue, hopping around like a frog."
"That's him." said Kurt.
"Mama!" Elmyra called as she ran down the stairs. "Amanda took Toddlykins away from me and won't give him back!" She saw Kurt. "Oh boy! Fuzzy-wuzzy came to play too!" She jumped into his arms.
"Nien! Get off me!" Kurt tried to push the girl off him.
"Elmyra," Mrs. Duff said gently. "What did I say about bringing home strays?"
"Umm...not too?"
"Right." she said with a smile. "And why shouldn't you bring home strays?"
"Ummm...'cuz they have lotsa germy-wermies?"
"Yes, and...?"
"And...they might bite?"
"And...?"
"And..'cuz they might belong to someone else?"
"That's right!" Mrs. Duff nodded. "Now I didn't say anything about Todd because I thought he was make-believe. But because he's real, we have to give him back."
"Oh, OK." Elmyra said saddly. She showed them to Amanda's room.
Rogue didn't like what she saw. Todd was sitting on a bed with another goth chick. He was dressed in black and...what the hell happened to his hair? They were drinking soda and watching /Punky Brewster/. "Todd Ichabod Tolensky!" she shouted, hands on her hips. Todd stiffened, suddenly regretting letting Rogue know his middle name. "Jest what in the Sam Hill do you think yer doin'?" She was mad. The accent always deepened when she was mad. "Here you sit, in another girl's room, wearin' another girl's clothes!"
"Whoa, chill, Marie!" said Todd. "It ain't what you think! How'd you know I was wearing her clothes, anyway?"
Rogue sighed as if it should be obvious. "The shirt's buttoned up on the left. Boy shirts button to the raht. Mind tellin' me why this hussy got yer hair all dolled up like that?"
"Who are you calling a hussy?" demanded Amanda. "And I'll tell you like I told my lame-brained sister. Todd should be allowed to go wherever he wants."
"Well, he's /mah/ boyfriend, ya got that, Jezebell?"
"Amanda, thank you much. And what makes you think you can own a person?"
"Ah did't say Ah owned him!"
"Ladies, please," said Todd. "Don't fight over me." He was clearly pleased, but trying to hide it.
"You two can't fight over him." For some reason, Wanda was at the door. "Todd is all mine!"
"Ah'll take both you bitches on!" Rogue declared.
"Backyard." said Amanda. "We'll mud wrestle for Todd's affections!"
Soon, three sexy goth babes were duking it out in the mud. "Vas en der Holle!?" Kurt exclaimed.
"What can I say?" Todd shrugged. "I've got that outsider vibe that goth chicks go for!"
A loud buzzing noise filled Kurt's ears. He woke up and turned off his alarm. He thought of the very strange dream he just had. A crazy girl wanted him and Toad as pets. Wanda, Rogue and some new girl were all fighting over Toad. Kurt clutched his rumbling stomache. That's it, he thought. No more bacon-cheese gut bombs before bed.
"Good morning, fuzzy-wuzzy cuddlykins!" ELmyra crawled out from under the covers and into Kurt's arms.
Todd screamed himself awake. "Todd, what is it?" His scream woke up Rogue who was lying next to him in a sheer nightie.
"Bad dream." Todd panted. He momentarily wondered why they were in a double bed in a too neat for either of them bedroom, decorated in beige and white. "Crazy girl with a bow in her hair wanted to keep me as a pet." He got up and walked to the bathroom. Rogue followed. Todd checked the mirror. He had a bad case of bed-head, but the curls were gone. He turned to Rogue.
"And you and two other girls were fighting over me."
"Don't worry, Sugar," she said. "It was all just a dream."
The shower curtain was suddenly flung aside. "Oh, Mister Hippity-Hop!" squealed Elmyra.
Elmyra Duff bolted upright in her bed. "Whoa, what a funny dream." she mused. Her didgital clock read 4:15. Still a couple of hours before she had to get up and get ready for school. She yawned and went back to sleep cuddling her two favorite plush toys- an anthropomorohic frog and a blue fuzzy creature with pointed ears and a tail.
Fuzzy Wuzzy Huggy Wuggies
Elmyra Duff went skipping through the woods one day. Many girls found it difficult to skip wearing Mary Janes, but not Elmyra. Her family had just moved to Bayville from Acme Acres and she wanted to acquaint herself with all the cute forrest animals. The squirrels and rabbits that inhabited the woods surrounding the Xavier Institute knew instinctivly not to even allow themselves to be seen by Elmyra. She looked sweet and innocent, but she was evil.
"Go long, Kurt!" Scott shouted. The students who lived at the Xavier Institute were playing a game of football.
"I got it, I got it!" the blue German yelled as he ran after the football. It sailed over
his head and landed somewhere in the woods. "I don't got it."
"I'll go get it." said Scott.
"That's OK," said Kurt. "I think I can find it." Kurt walked into the woods, not knowing the doom that awaited him.
The football landed at Elmyra's feet. "What's this?" she asked herself, picking it up. Kurt saw the girl with the ball. He was about to turn on his inducer and politly ask for the ball back when she turned her head. Nein, she sees me! he thought. He steeled himself for the shriek that was sure to come. People always screamed the first time they saw him. Girls especially.
She didn't scream. In fact, she looked delighted. "Ooh! Lookit the cute fuzzy elf!" she squealed. Before Kurt could respond, he was knocked down by the incredible force of the girl's bone crushing embrace. "I'm gonna hug you, and squeeze you, and pet you until you fall to itty bitty pieces!"
Kurt found himself wishing the child had screamed and ran away. He was screaming and trying to get away himself. The little girl was strong for her size. "Let me go!" He cried out, pushing her away. He noticed that she wore a bow in her red hair. A bow decorated with a skull.
The girl grabbed his tail and proceeded to skip away, dragging Kurt painfully across the
ground. "I'm gonna take you home," she was saying. "And lock you in a cage so you can never, ever, ever leave."
Kurt had nightmares about such things. He quickly 'ported out of the girl's grasp. "Hey!"
said Elmyra. "Where did the Fuzzy Wuzzy go?" She skipped throught the woods. "Come back, Fuzzy
Wuzzy!" she called.
Kurt turned on his inducer. It would serve as a disguise in case that silly girl showed up again. He picked up the dropped football and felt a tap on his shoulder. "Skuse me,mister." It was the insane red haired girl again. "Have you seen a cute furry blue elf around here?"
Kurt couldn't resist. "Did he have a long blue tail like this?" Kurt showed her his tail.
"Uh-huh."
"Did he have pointy ears, like this?" He turned off the inducer.
"Uh-huh." Elmyra nodded.
"And did he disappear in a puff of smoke, like this?" Kurt 'ported behind Elmyra.
She turned to him. "Yeah, that's right!" she said.
"No, I'm affraid I haven't seen him."
"Oh, pooh!" Elmyra said dejectedly. She walked away. Kurt headed back to the Institute, not believing how easy this girl was to fool.
"Hey!" Elmyra suddenly realized. "That was the fuzzy!"
Kurt sprinted through the woods. Wagner's at the 50, he thought to himself. At the 40,
the 30, the 20, he could go all the...A sharp colision interrupted his football fantasy.
"Toad! What are you doing here?"
"Hello to you too, Fuzzface." said Todd, rising up to a crouching position.
"Going to put another flaming bag of crap on our back porch, I suppose."
"Nah, I just wanted to see if Rogue was up for anything."
"Toad, you'd better run. There's a maniac on the loose. She wears a skull in her red hair."
"So? I've dealt with your mom before, fool."
"It's not Mystique! It's..."
"Where are you, Mr. Cuddlykins?" Elmyra skipped into view.
"Eesh, she /is/ freaky." Todd started to hop away.
"Ooh!" she squealed. "Lookit the cute green hippity-hop!"
"Huh?" Todd paused a moment. It was a moment too long. The stout arms wound around his neck and squeezed, choking him.
"I'm gonna huggle you and snuggle you to death!" she promised.
"Ack! Ack! Le'go!" Todd begged, pulling at the arms that were strangling him. Kurt chuckled at the sight of his rival being smothered by the crazy girl. Todd's tongue was lolling out and he was turning an interesting shade of purple.
"I'm gonna take you home," Elmyra promised, dragging the amphibious mutant away. "comb your hair, and dress you in pink!"
Todd finally wormed out of the girl's grasp. "Look, girly." he said. "You don't want me
for a pet, yo."
"I don't?"
"Nah, I'm all gross and slimy. What you want is something soft and furry. Like that blue
elf." He pointed at Kurt.
"Fuzzy!" Elmyra cried as she jumped into Kurt's arms. "Ooh, he's cuddly! Just like a
stuffed aminal!"
"Listen, Madchen," Kurt said calmly. "You /can't/ take me home as a pet."
"Why?"
"Because...it's not elf season yet."
"Elf season?"
"Ja! You can only capture elves during elf season. But it /is/ toad season. So go back and catch that nice big toad!"
"Just a minute!" Todd said indignantly. "You can't go lying to this kid, yo! It's elf season."
"Toad season!" Kurt protested.
"Elf season!" Todd retorted.
"I just gotsta hug one of you!" Elmyra whined, opening her arms.
"Hug him." Kurt pointed her arms at Todd. "It's toad season, after all."
"It's elf season!" Todd pointed the arms at Kurt.
"Toad season!"
"Elf season!"
"Toad season!"
"Elf season!"
Kurt got a brilliant idea. "Elf season." he said, positioning the arms at himself.
"Toad season! Hug!" Todd unwittingly positioned her arms toward himself and was once more
smothered in an enthusiastic hug.
"Ooh, I'm gonna cover my froggy in kissies untill he turns into a prince!"
Todd struggled to push her off. Kurt stayed to watch the fun. "Let go of me!" Todd protested."Listen, um, who are you, anyway?"
"My name's Elmyra. And you're cute!"
"Listen, Elmyra, you want a pet, right?"
"Right."
"And pets have fur so you can pet them, right?"
"Right."
"And if he was all furry," Kurt suggested. "What would you do?"
"Yeah," said Todd. "You're so smart, if I was all furry, what would you do?"
"Well," Elmyra hopped into his arms. "I'd hug you and stroke you and..."
"Stop it! Stop it!" Todd protested as Kurt laughed. "I'm not the fuzzy, you idiot! /He's/
the fuzzy!"
"He's right." Kurt sighed. "I'm the fuzzy. Would you like to hug me now or wait 'till you
get home?"
"Hug him now!" Todd shouted.
"You keep out of this!" Kurt said indignantly. "She doesn't have to hug you now!"
"She does so have to hug me now!" Todd turned to Elmyra. "So hug me now!" Elmyra jumped on Todd again and peppered his face with kisses. "Not again!" he groaned.
Kurt chuckled. "It's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself!"
"That's it!" Todd spit a wad of slime in Elmyra's face. "I am outta here, yo!" He leaped
away. Kurt got on all fours and galloped away.
Elmyra whiped the goo away with one arm. "Come back, cuddly-wuddlies!" she called, chasing them. "I have so much love to give!"
Scott groaned and looked at his watch. "Man, where the heck is Kurt with that football?"
Just then, he was knocked down by a panicked Kurt and Todd. "What are you doing here, Tolensky?" he demanded.
"Crazy girl, woods," he panted.
"Ja," Kurt panted. "We were chased by this crazy girl who wanted to lock me in a cage!"
"Whoa, calm down, Kurt." said Scott. "Now, breathe slowly and tell me...where is the football?"
"Football!" Kurt screamed. "An insane red-head is on the loose and all you can think about is your verdamt football?!"
"Insane red-head? Kurt, are you sure you didn't just see Mystique?"
"For the last time, it's not Mystique!" said Kurt. "It was..."
"Yoo-hoo!" called a voice. "Where are my fuzzy wuzzy huggy wuggies?"
Kurt and Todd screamed and made a run for it. Elmyra chased them. "Come back here and get snuggled!" she demanded.
They lured her into the danger room. Kurt pressed some buttons. "What're you doin' fool?" Todd asked.
"Buying us some time." he replied. "Now get to hopping!"
"Are you in here, cuddlykins?" Elmyra asked.
Todd cringed. "Remind me to apologize to Wanda for all the times I called her that."
A steel wall crashed into her, flattening her. She merely slipped out, paper thin, but
otherwise quite alive and mobile.
"Holy crap!" Todd shouted. "She's a mutant too, yo!"
"Something's got to stop her!" said Kurt. A laser blast struck her. She turned into a little pile of ashes with a pair of blinking eyes on top. She pulled a tiny dustpan and broom out of nowhere, swept herself up, and carried herself away.
Todd rubbed his eyes. "Did you just see that, yo?"
"Unglaubiche." Kurt sighed.
"I'm baa-aaaak!" Elmyra shouted, re-entering the room in one piece.
"Nien!" Kurt shouted. "You're dead!"
"Silly Fuzzy-wuzzy," Elmyra giggled. "It's gonna take more than that to keep me from my cute, cuddly aminals."
"We're not aminals!" Kurt protested. "Uh, I mean animals."
A spinning blade lopped off Elmyra's head. Her body simply wandered around, feeling the ground, looking for its head. "Warmer, warmer," her head was saying to its body.
Both boys watched slack jawed as Elmyra screwed her head back in place. "There, that's better." she said. "Now, it's time to stop playing games and take one of you cuddlies home with me."
Kurt sighed. "I guess you're right. Would you like to hug Todd here or wait 'till you get home?"
"Oh, you're not fooling me again, yo!" said Todd. He turned to Elmyra. "Wait 'till you get home." He left arm in arm with Elmyra. He turned and gave Kurt a raspberry, thinking he had outsmarted him.
Kurt shook his head. "Ain't I a stinker?" he asked himself.
It wasn't untill Todd found himself in a girl's bedroom, surrounded by wall to wall stuffed toys, somewhere in the suburbs that Todd realized his mistake. "Ooh, I am so STUPID!" he growled.
"Bath time!" Elmyra cried, draagging him to the bathroom.
"Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!" Todd screamed, desperatly trying to hop out of her grasp. She was freakishly strong. Elmyra filled the tub with water and bubble bath. Todd screamed and ran for the door. Elmyra grabbed him.
"In you go!" she said as she gleefully tossed him in the tub, clothes and all.
It was bad enough Todd was forced to bathe against his will. Bad enough that his clothes
were thoroughly soaked. Bad enough that the soap smelled like peaches and pomegranite. Bad enough that he had to be degraded by having this girl scrub him. Worst of all was the song she sang as she roughly worked the soap through his hair and sensitive skin.
This is the way we wash our pets.
Wash our pets, wash our pets
This is the way we wash our pets
'Cuz they're filthy disgusting and yucky.
The humiliation wasn't over. She nearly fried him with a blowdrier. She sprayed him with perfume and sprinkled him with baby powder. She combed his hair and tied pink ribbons in it. "There," she sighed. "You're gorgeous!" Todd looked in the mirror and screamed. Elmyra took his hand and led him back to her room.
She locked something around his ankle. Todd realized his foot was in a manacle chained to a metal loop bolted to the floor.
"There," said Elmyra. "Now my precious weshus hippity hop can't run away." Todd was hit by an insane urge to gnaw through his leg. Elmyra got out a small table and some chairs. She seated some of her stuffed toys at the table and laid out a tea set. "Sit down." Todd decided he'd better do as she said and gingerly sat in the Lilipution chair. His legs were bent up, but it was a position he was used to anyway. "Now, this is Barbette," Elmyra introduced Todd to her dolls and stuffed toys. "This is Joey, this is Flopsy and this is Alphonse. You get acquainted while I get some tea and cookies."
As soon as she was gone, Todd looked for a means of escape. Pink nail file on the dresser. He retrieved it with his tongue and started picking the lock. He almost had it open when the door flew open and he heard that annoying squeeky voice.
"Mommy won't let me use hot water to make tea, so we'll have Kool-Aid, OK?" She sat a pitcher of Kool-Aid and two packages of cookies on the table. She saw what Todd was doing. He sheepishly tried to hide the nail file behind his back. "Hey, you weren't trying to escape, were you?" Elmyra shook an index finger at her captive.
"E-escape? Heck no!" Todd lied. "I was-er-giving Alphonse a manicure, yo! Yeah!" He picked up a clown doll and mimicked filing its miniscule fingernails.
"Silly froggy!" Elmyra giggled. "The clown's name is Joey. Alphonse is the poodle." She took a seat and started pouring Kool-Aid into tiny tea cups. "We can play beauty parlor later. Right now, we're playing tea party." She sat the cup in front of Todd. "How many cookies do you want? I've got Oreos and Chips Ahoy."
"A couple of each, I guess."
"Ah, ah, say please."
"Please."
"Here you go!"
Elmyra layed the cookies on his plate. Todd considered his cup of Kool-Aid. "Say, this ain't the Jim Jones blend, is it?"
"I don't think so."
She's drinkin' it. Todd observed. So there can't be anything wrong with it. He took a sip. Mmm...grape. He picked up an Oreo and twisted it apart. His tongue zipped out and licked off the creme center.
"Ah, ah, no tongues at the table!" Elmyra chided.
"This is how I always eat Oreos." He tossed one of the chocolate discs in the air and nabbed it with his tongue. Great, now the Oreo jinggle is stuck in my head. Who's that kid with the Oreo cookie?....O-R-E-O. Na-bis-co, ding!
Meanwhile, Kurt kicked back in the common room at the X Mansion and tried to watch the latest episode of /The Sopranos./ Suddenly, a tiny Kurt with white wings and a halo popped up on his shoulder. "Kurt," it said. "You know it was wrong to let Elmyra carry Todd away."
"You again!" Kurt started.
"Yeah, it's me." Scott had just entered the room. "I found my football, no thanks to you."
"That was very, very wrong, Kurt." the little angel scolded. "What if it had been you?"
"Will you just go away!?"
"Hey, the common room's for everyone!" Scott snapped.
"Sorry, Scott, I wasn't talking to you." Scott looked around. Who /was/ he talking to? Of course, only Kurt could see the little angel.
"What if she's hurting him?" the angel said plaintivly. "Elmyra certainly isn't the gentle type. You should try to save him."
Just then, a tiny Kurt with red horns and bearing a pitchfork popped up on Kurt's other shoulder. "Ah, screw the stinky frog boy." it said. "You know that if the situation were reversed, /he'd/ leave you to that dopey red head."
"Is that what you want, Kurt?" asked the angel. "To become like Todd?"
"No," he groaned.
"Ok, so I won't change the channel." Scott put down the remote. "You've got an attitude this evening, dude!"
"The hell with Todd!" said the little devil. "/The Sopranos/ is on!"
"So tape it!" said the little angel.
"Will you be quiet!" Kurt demanded.
"I didn't say anything!" said Scott.
"You should tell Scott what happened." said the angel. "Get him to help you."
"Screw that!" said the devil. "What you need to do is hot wire Goggle-boy's car, drive off to NYC and pick you up some honeys!"
"Confession is going to be Hell for me this week, I just know it." Kurt shook his head.
"Dude, what's the matter with you?" asked Scott.
"Scott, I did something that I feel bad about."
"Losing my football? It's cool, I found it."
"No! It's Todd and the crazy girl. I-I sort of tricked both of them. Todd went off with her. She said her name was Elmyra. She wanted to keep us as pets."
"Uh-huh..."
"She's way strong for a girl her age and she's practically indestructable! She made Juggernaut look like a marshmallow! I-I can't leave Toad to that monster. Not even he deserves that."
"Sounds like a new mutant. Maybe we can ask the Professor to use Cerebro to help find him."
Meanwhile, Todd was subjected to the horror of playing beauty parlor. While he mimicked giving the clown doll a manicure, Elmyra took the pink ribbons out of his hair. He thought he would be grateful, until she started twining pink sponge rollers in his hair. He gagged as she covered his head with liberal amounts of hairspray.
"Joey's nails look pretty now." said Elmyra. "Now do his hair while I go mix you up a mud mask." She clamped another leg iron on him. "We can't have you tryin' to escape now, can we, Snugglebumps?"
As soon as she was gone, Todd went to work picking the lock. The door soon opened. A tall slim girl of about 16 stood there. She had black hair and was dressed in black with silver studded jewelry. Todd always had a thing for goth chicks. "So, you're Elmyra's new little pet, huh?" she asked. "Trying to pull a Kunta Kinte, right?"
"Uh, uh, ummm...." he intelligently responded.
"Don't sweat it. I'm not insane like my little sister." She removed a pillow from the bed. "Here's where she hides her spare keys. Hold still a minute." She unlocked the fetters.
"Thanks, um..."
"Amanda. Amanda Duff. Wanna come to my room?"
"Um, um, uh..." You got a girlfriend, fool! Tell her!
"No pressure." said Amanda. "Just thought you might want me to take out those curlers before you go, change into something that isn't sopping wet. I've got a bunch of episodes of /Punky Brewster/ on video tape."
"Well, OK." Just videos. Yeah. Marie won't get mad if all we do is watch some videos.
Meanwhile, Professor X was using Cerebro to locate the kidnapped mutant. "I don't think this Elmyra person is a mutant." he said after a while.
"Her strength would put Beast to shame." said Kurt. "She survived being flattened, incinerated and decapitated. What else could she be!?"
"We can still find Todd." said the Professor. "If he uses his mutant abilities while in captivity."
"Shouldn't be too hard." said Scott. "That guy hardly ever goes anywhere without hopping."
"What if she has him locked up or something?" said Kurt. "He couldn't hop then."
"There's still the tongue." Scott suggested.
"I found him." the Professor finally said. "364 Burbank Drive."
"Sehr gute." said Kurt. "We may need backup."
"For one little girl?" said Scott.
"She's not just a little girl!" said Kurt.
Amanda Duff leaned against the wall outside her bedroom door. It opened. "OK, I'm decent." said Todd. He was wearing black socks, black jeans and an oversized black buttoned shirt. Both he and Amanda were quite slender, so it more or less fitted.
"It's a good look for you." said Amanda. She put a tape in the VCR. "I put your things in the dryer. Have a seat and I'll take out the curlers."
Todd sat on the end of the bed and watched /Punky Brewster/ while Amanda knelt behind him and unrolled the curlers. "So, Amanda, haven't I seen you around school?"
"Yeah, just moved here from a Hellhole called Acme Acres." she said as she worked. "My Dad's an inventor, so he wanted to move closer to New York. So, here I am, in another podunk suburb with my stupid family away from what few friends I made. Going to a confining high school where dumbass teachers keep mixing me up with the other Amanda."
"Amanda Sefton, you mean?"
"Yeah. Complete goody-goody if you ask me. What about you? Your parents piss you off?"
"Umm...I don't have parents, exactly."
"Really? Cool! No one hasslein' you, telling you what to do. Must be great!"
"Yeah, great." Todd said dryly.
"OK, I got 'em all." she said after awhile. "Whoa, Elmyra used the Aquanet on you. Untill you get that washed out, you're stuck with the Shirley Temple look."
"That's alright, I've had enough baths for today."
The door slammed open. Elmyra stood there, hands on hips, looking very cross. "Amanda Jane Duff!" she said accusingly. "What do you think you're doing with /my/ cuddly-wuddly?"
"His name is Todd." said Amanda. "And he's a human being who shouldn't be treated like one of your stupid pets. Hell, your pets shouldn't be treated the way you do!"
"Preach on, Sistah Girl!" said Todd.
Meanwhile, Nightcrawler, Cyclops, Jean Grey and Rogue were lurking in bushes just across the street from the Duff house. "OK," said Scott. "Here's the plan. Nightcrawler 'ports to the top of the roof and gains entry from there. Jean Grey will secure the perimiter while Rogue and I enter from East and West."
"Or," Kurt suggested. "We can ring the doorbell and ask if Todd's there."
"That...just might work!"
Mrs. Duff answered the door. "Oh, my." she said to the four teenagers. "Is it Halloween already?"
"We're looking for our, um, friend, Todd." said Scott. "Is he here?"
"Todd?" Mrs. Duff thought to the last time she heard that name. "Oh, you couldn't mean Elmyra's immaginary play mate, could you?"
"Elmyra lives here?" asked Kurt.
"She's my youngest daughter." said Mrs. Duff. "She was in here not long ago asking if she could make tea so she and Todd could have a party. I let her have some Kool-Aid. I assumed Todd was an immaginary friend. We just moved here, you know, Elmyra might be a bit lonely. I was sure he had to be made up when she described him to me. Green-grey skin, big yellow eyes, long sticky tongue, hopping around like a frog."
"That's him." said Kurt.
"Mama!" Elmyra called as she ran down the stairs. "Amanda took Toddlykins away from me and won't give him back!" She saw Kurt. "Oh boy! Fuzzy-wuzzy came to play too!" She jumped into his arms.
"Nien! Get off me!" Kurt tried to push the girl off him.
"Elmyra," Mrs. Duff said gently. "What did I say about bringing home strays?"
"Umm...not too?"
"Right." she said with a smile. "And why shouldn't you bring home strays?"
"Ummm...'cuz they have lotsa germy-wermies?"
"Yes, and...?"
"And...they might bite?"
"And...?"
"And..'cuz they might belong to someone else?"
"That's right!" Mrs. Duff nodded. "Now I didn't say anything about Todd because I thought he was make-believe. But because he's real, we have to give him back."
"Oh, OK." Elmyra said saddly. She showed them to Amanda's room.
Rogue didn't like what she saw. Todd was sitting on a bed with another goth chick. He was dressed in black and...what the hell happened to his hair? They were drinking soda and watching /Punky Brewster/. "Todd Ichabod Tolensky!" she shouted, hands on her hips. Todd stiffened, suddenly regretting letting Rogue know his middle name. "Jest what in the Sam Hill do you think yer doin'?" She was mad. The accent always deepened when she was mad. "Here you sit, in another girl's room, wearin' another girl's clothes!"
"Whoa, chill, Marie!" said Todd. "It ain't what you think! How'd you know I was wearing her clothes, anyway?"
Rogue sighed as if it should be obvious. "The shirt's buttoned up on the left. Boy shirts button to the raht. Mind tellin' me why this hussy got yer hair all dolled up like that?"
"Who are you calling a hussy?" demanded Amanda. "And I'll tell you like I told my lame-brained sister. Todd should be allowed to go wherever he wants."
"Well, he's /mah/ boyfriend, ya got that, Jezebell?"
"Amanda, thank you much. And what makes you think you can own a person?"
"Ah did't say Ah owned him!"
"Ladies, please," said Todd. "Don't fight over me." He was clearly pleased, but trying to hide it.
"You two can't fight over him." For some reason, Wanda was at the door. "Todd is all mine!"
"Ah'll take both you bitches on!" Rogue declared.
"Backyard." said Amanda. "We'll mud wrestle for Todd's affections!"
Soon, three sexy goth babes were duking it out in the mud. "Vas en der Holle!?" Kurt exclaimed.
"What can I say?" Todd shrugged. "I've got that outsider vibe that goth chicks go for!"
A loud buzzing noise filled Kurt's ears. He woke up and turned off his alarm. He thought of the very strange dream he just had. A crazy girl wanted him and Toad as pets. Wanda, Rogue and some new girl were all fighting over Toad. Kurt clutched his rumbling stomache. That's it, he thought. No more bacon-cheese gut bombs before bed.
"Good morning, fuzzy-wuzzy cuddlykins!" ELmyra crawled out from under the covers and into Kurt's arms.
Todd screamed himself awake. "Todd, what is it?" His scream woke up Rogue who was lying next to him in a sheer nightie.
"Bad dream." Todd panted. He momentarily wondered why they were in a double bed in a too neat for either of them bedroom, decorated in beige and white. "Crazy girl with a bow in her hair wanted to keep me as a pet." He got up and walked to the bathroom. Rogue followed. Todd checked the mirror. He had a bad case of bed-head, but the curls were gone. He turned to Rogue.
"And you and two other girls were fighting over me."
"Don't worry, Sugar," she said. "It was all just a dream."
The shower curtain was suddenly flung aside. "Oh, Mister Hippity-Hop!" squealed Elmyra.
Elmyra Duff bolted upright in her bed. "Whoa, what a funny dream." she mused. Her didgital clock read 4:15. Still a couple of hours before she had to get up and get ready for school. She yawned and went back to sleep cuddling her two favorite plush toys- an anthropomorohic frog and a blue fuzzy creature with pointed ears and a tail.