Rating: PG
Summary: Daniel gets a bad haircut and hilarity ensues.
Subjects: Daniel whumping (very subtle), humor
Spoilers/Season: Tiny one for Enigma. Takes place around mid season 2, around the time of Secrets
Notes/Disclaimer: I am not making any money off of this. The characters do not belong to me, they belong to MGM, Double Secret Productions and Gekko Film Corp. This silly story is loosely based on a story I read in a comic book more than 10 years ago. This story is copyrighted November, 2003 and may not be used or altered without the express permission of the author.
"Well, I'd love to stay and chat, Jack, but I've got to get a haircut," Daniel said, running his fingers through his tangled mass of hair. "If this mop gets any longer someone on base will mistake me for a sheepdog and will call in a dogcatcher." He chuckled at his little joke, hoping Jack would do the same.
Jack stared at him and blinked, not getting it.
"Hey, why bother going downtown for a haircut when I can cut it for you here for free?" he suddenly asked as Daniel was making his way toward the door of Jack's office.
Daniel turned around and looked at the Colonel questioningly.
"You can?"
"Sure thing, Danny Boy," Jack grinned as he walked over to Daniel and mussed up his hair. "The last downtime we had, I got bored and decided to try this home haircutting thingie out."
He reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a box which contained a comb, clippers, and quite a lovely pair of beautician's scissors. Daniel's eyes widened and he gulped.
"You can be my first customer," Jack said proudly, a silly grin on his face.
"First victim is more like it," Daniel muttered, hoping the Colonel wouldn't hear.
Unfortunately he did.
"Fine!" Jack declared in a bitchy, almost campy, tone. "You don't trust me? Then leave! And never come back again, you long-haired geek!"
He abruptly sat down on his couch and folded his arms over his chest, pouting at Daniel.
Daniel rolled his eyes at the Colonel's childish behavior, sighed deeply, and made his way over to the couch. He waved his hand in front of him.
"No, no, I do trust you, Jack. G-go ahead," he said nervously.
Jack's pouty expression melted and was replaced by a wide grin. He stood up and clapped his hands.
"Great!"
In lieu of a towel, he grabbed one of the napkins he had taken from the commissary, and tucked the edge of it into the collar of Daniel's black, military issue t-shirt. Daniel removed his glasses and stuck them in the pocket of his BDU jacket. He took a deep breath as he heard Jack click the scissors.
As he cut Daniel's hair, Jacked hummed "When the Caissons Go Rolling Along." He was quite off-key too, and Daniel couldn't imagine anything more irritating.
He breathed a sigh of relief as he finally heard Jack stop.
"Okay, let me just...oh wait, now this part's too short..."
"Uh...Jack?" Daniel asked a bit fearfully.
Jack ignored him.
"Oh damn, now I have to make this part shorter... oh fer cryin' out loud..."
After a few more minutes of this (Daniel almost wished he'd go back to humming), Jack finally whisked the napkin off of Daniel's front. Daniel reached for his glasses and put them back on. He winced as he saw the small pile of hair which the napkin contained before Jack tossed it in the garbage, and to his horror, the clumps of hair on the floor around him. Jack handed him a mirror.
Daniel's eyes widened in horror.
"Aaaaack! Where's my hair!" he exclaimed.
In truth, his hair didn't really look that bad. It was still a mop and still hung over his face in the front, but it was still somewhat shorter than it was before, and thus too short for Daniel.
"Well, you said you wanted it cut," Jack replied quietly.
"I said I wanted it cut, not scalped!" Daniel's voice rose angrily.
Jack looked at him sadly. The last thing he wanted to do was to make poor Daniel angry. He thought he was doing him a favor. After all, at this time of the day, the traffic was hell in Colorado Springs. He didn't want Daniel to have to actually leave the mountain and make the long trek downtown for a simple haircut. As he began to feel more sorry for himself, his eyes drifted over toward the small bottle which sat on a small end table on the other side of the couch. It gave him an idea.
"Don't worry, Danny," he began hastily as he reached for the bottle. "I've got just the thing."
He grabbed a very bewildered Daniel by the scruff of his neck and led him down to the locker room. He made Daniel sit down with his head in the sink as he poured some of the liquid from the bottle and into his palm.
"This hair tonic should do the trick," he muttered.
"Er...hair tonic?" Daniel said curiously.
"Yup. Don't worry Danny Boy, we'll have your hair looking better in no time," Jack reassured him.
He rinsed the goop out of Daniel's hair and began to blow dry it with the portable hairdryer he plucked from his locker.
Unfortunately, he had mistakenly used Captain Carter's "Clairol Nice and Easy" Platinum Blonde highlighting shampoo (don't ask what it was doing in Jack's office).
He looked back at Daniel, who was pushing his bangs away from his face. His hair was now a very light platinum blonde.
"Oops," he said softly, feeling like kicking himself for not reading the label on the bottle.
"Oh, there you are, Sir, have you seen my..."
Sam stopped short when she saw a very blonde Daniel looking at them questioningly, and Jack staring at the bottle in his hand with a pained look on his face.
"Sir, what are you doing with my shampoo?" she asked as her brow knitted with confusion.
Jack winced again.
"Your shampoo?" Daniel asked, beginning to get worked up.
The Colonel glared at her as he abruptly placed the bottle of shampoo in her hand.
Daniel raced over to the mirror on the other side of the room and his jaw dropped.
"Oh, no!" he cried. "My beautiful light brown hair! It's now a yucky platinum blonde!" he said with much cliché.
Sam's eyes widened in disbelief and she shot a hateful glare at Daniel as he made his way back to them.
"And what's wrong with blonde hair!"
Daniel blushed, as he realized the color of the feisty Captain's locks.
"Uh... nothing, on you! But on me it looks horrible!" he whined.
"Yeah, it does, sorta," she conceded. "I guess you better hide yourself, Daniel. If Maybourne sees this, you'll never live it down."
Daniel's eyebrows shot up.
"Maybourne's here?"
Sam and Jack nodded grimly in unison.
"Oh my God! I can't go around looking like this, then! He already hates me because of the Tollan thing. If he sees me like this, I'm doomed! I'll be the laughing stock of the whole NID!"
Daniel started hyperventilating, and searched desperately for a brown paper bag. As soon as he located one in his locker, he started blowing into it.
Suddenly, the Colonel had an idea. He found the cap from his uniform sticking out of his locker (again, don't ask why) and handed it to Daniel.
"Here. Put this on and he'll never know it was you."
Daniel furrowed his brow.
"Huh? Are you kidding, Jack? How will that be enough to disguise me from Maybourne?"
"I guess you've forgotten that Maybourne isn't all that smart..."
Daniel turned his eyes down and nodded.
"Ah. Yeah. How stupid of me."
He pushed his hair back away from his face, tucked it behind his ears, and placed the cap on his head. He looked at Jack and Sam for their approval.
"Aww. How cute you look, Daniel," Sam grinned widely.
Daniel rolled his eyes. He eased up off the bench and headed toward the door.
"Ah!" Jack exclaimed, just as Daniel was about to pass them.
He reached out and whisked Daniel's glasses off, and stuck them deep inside his BDU jacket pocket.
"Just to be safe."
Daniel nodded, and again headed for the door.
Sam and Jack both smiled and waved to him.
Daniel walked nonchalantly down towards his office, looking straight ahead and not bothering to look at all the curious faces around him. He hoped he'd make it to his office without running into the weasley Maybourne.
Unfortunately, his hope was short-lived. Maybourne was heading in the opposite direction, having just emerged from General Hammond's office. The red tinge to his face spoke volumes about what had happened in there. Hammond must have given him one hell of a verbal bashing. Daniel chuckled to himself, unaware that Maybourne was passing him at that instant.
The chuckling got Maybourne's attention and he cleared his throat. Daniel stopped in his tracks and immediately broke out in a cold sweat. He hoped Maybourne wouldn't notice.
"Doctor Jackson?" Maybourne's eyes narrowed and he looked intently at the very worried archaeologist's face.
"What are you doing with that hat, Doctor Jackson? Are you playing with Colonel O'Neill's wardrobe?" he sneered.
Daniel was so scared he couldn't even utter a peep. He just stared at Maybourne like a deer caught in headlights.
"Or are you playing YMCA?" the oily Colonel continued.
Again, Daniel didn't answer.
"You know, I always wondered about you, Jackson," Maybourne sneered again. "You non-military types who make it a point never to follow protocol, who embarrass fine, upstanding members of the military such as myself, in front of our bosses..."
Daniel swallowed hard, but did not attempt to utter a word.
"...you freakish hippies with your glasses and your long, brown..."
Maybourne finally whisked the hat off of Daniel's head, at which point the still somewhat long, though blonde, floppy hair of Daniel's tumbled down out from underneath it.
"...haiiiirrrr..." Maybourne finished, his eyes as wide as saucers. A startled frown quickly formed on his face and he dropped the hat. Daniel still kept quiet.
"I...I..." he sputtered. Somewhere in Maybourne's twisted mind, he came to the realization that this person wasn't Daniel. It couldn't be. Although he had floppy hair, it was blonde, not brown like Daniel's. Maybe Hammond had hired a new think-tank geek to assist with one of the SG teams, but no, this certainly couldn't be Daniel.
Maybourne began to sweat bullets, and a bright blush diffused across his face.
"Heh heh heh," he chuckled. He bent down and picked up the hat, brushing the top of it off with his hand.
"I'm sorry, sir. Please forgive me, I thought you were someone else," he said quite sheepishly as he handed the hat back to Daniel.
Daniel attempted to place it back on his head, when Maybourne grabbed it from him.
"Oh, no, no, allow me," he said. He took the hat and placed it neatly on top of Daniel's head.
"Ah, there. Perfect," he winked. Even though he was deeply embarrassed, he sounded as slimy as usual.
"Well, I'm due at the Pentagon. Uh... again, I'm sorry, son. You have a good day," he said hastily as he began to continue down the hall.
Daniel managed a slight smile and waved.
Maybourne took off running in the opposite direction. Daniel watched him run and as soon as he was out of sight, shrugged. He turned and headed for his office.
Daniel sighed as Sam finished blow-drying his hair. She and Jack had heard all about what had happened with Maybourne, and had had a good laugh. Shortly after the incident, Jack had run into Maybourne in the men's room, puking his guts out and wondered what his problem was.
Now Sam had been able to wash the color out of Daniel's hair, and had found some Chestnut-highlights shampoo to get it back to his original color.
Suddenly, Teal'c entered the room.
"What are you doing to Daniel Jackson's hair?" he inquired, with his famous raised eyebrow.
Sam turned the blowdryer off.
"Um...Daniel just got out of the shower and I was helping to dry his..." she trailed off, hoping she didn't have to explain the whole story to Teal'c.
"I see," the Jaffa answered.
He turned to Jack.
"O'Neill. I have just spotted Colonel Maybourne in the commissary. He was beating his head against the wall and attempting to stab himself with plastic utensils."
Sam, Daniel and Jack all looked at each other and grinned knowingly.
"I better talk to him so the General doesn't have to," Jack finally said, and exited the room.
Sam turned back to Daniel who was looking at himself in the mirror, and, except for his hair being a tad shorter than he'd liked, was satisfied.
"Well, your hair's brown again, Daniel. I hope that being a blonde for a couple of hours didn't kill you," she grinned.
Daniel looked up at her and grinned back.
"Are you kidding? It was worth every minute!"
The two of them laughed as Teal'c cocked his head and raised an eyebrow at them.
FIN