Sweet denial
By Lar-lar
This is going to be my first try at angst. I'm not so good at that, I'm more of a humour writer so bear with me! This is written entirely from my own experiences with fighting an affliction that never truly goes away. I chose to write it as a digimon fic and use TK as the main character mainly because after much thought I figured he would deal with it in much the same way as I did. Anyway, enough of my babbling! Please let me know what you think of this, I would really love to see if I'm getting my point across! Thanks!
Disclaimer; I do not own Digimon, I would not be here if I did. I'll let you decide where I would be...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
Part one; Outside.
~TK's POV~
As I walk towards My brother's apartment, I can't help the feeling I'm being watched. I know almost certainly that I'm not but that's just not what my mind is telling me. I won't look though, I know I'm being silly, there's no need to check... Damn it! I always look! I always let that stupid voice win!
My name is Takeru Takashi, or TK for short but that's all it is really, just a name. A label for people to call when they want my attention. I have absolutely no idea who the real 'Takeru Takashi' is anymore. He used to be an optimistic boy, full of hopes and dreams but for along time now my life has revolved around looking over my shoulder, shutting out voices and being frighten to leave the house.
Still, I'm out of the house now, in a moment of sheer desperation I ignored those stupid voices and left that prison. I would do anything to be back there right now. All these people, I feel their eyes following me and I can almost hear what they are thinking about me...
"Tk?" I ignore that for a moment, I get so used to thinking I hear my name being call when it actually is I rarely realise until whoever comes up to me. "Hey Tk!" Okay, I think that was a real voice that time.
"Matt! I was just coming to see you!" He's caught up to me know, panting slightly and looking worried. I wish I did make everyone worry so much, I hate to think I'm upsetting those I love the most.
"Your out on your own." He almost sounds hopeful, like this one crazy outing is the end of it after all these years. I smile happily, I like to smile ad I like even more to see others smile.
"Yep! I thought I'd come and see my big brother!" He smiles at me. I love to see him smile, it makes me feel normal again.
"That's great TK!" He tells me as we start walking again. "Does mum know you came all this way by yourself?" I shake my head. I didn't want to tell incase I failed again. I hate to see her upset. "We'll have to give her a call when we get back then, won't we?" He's still smiling at me. Who would have though Yamato Ishida could smile so much? He treats me like a child, but then I guess I act like it more and more lately and I know it's not easy for him, for any of them. Especially our friends. When something like this happens you find out who your true friends our, that's for sure. Outside the other digi-destined there isn't really anyone I would consider a true friend. "Are you okay TK?" I nod.
"Just thinking about friendship." I tell him, knowing that will make him smile again. I'm good at that. If I make them smile then they tend to leave me in peace. It's not working this time though, he almost looks annoyed.
"You've got to stop thinking about all those things, you know what the doctor told you." I smile sadly. You won't let me forget what that damn shrink told me! None of them will! I like to think though just like I like to be on my own alot of the time and just how I like to stay in the house. "I'm not trying to upset you TK, I just want to help you." I don't feel like smiling this time. Out of all of them I think mum and Matt are the only two who see past the smiles and jokes. It's not hard to hide it, alot of people don't even bother to look but Matt and mum, sometimes they see right through me.
"I know, I know." I can feel the tears burning my eyes and that familiar shiver down my spine. I can feel my brother watching me, I know he's wondering what to do next but I can't find my voice. My hands are starting to shake, this is how people normally notice what's happening, the breathing will come soon and then my heart will beat faster and faster and faster...
"TK? Come on TK, your almost there now, you were doing so well." I nod, letting our eyes meet for a moment, he can see the panic in there, I know he can. I feel like just closing my eyes and leaving it at that. Just never opening them again. That idea really appeals to me but I would never go through with it. I couldn't.
I can feel Matt taking hold of my trembling hand as he pulls me to the apartment. He's not embarrassed or anything, he just know that once I'm inside I'll calm down. I always do. It's safe inside, not like out here with all these people and no walls to protect you.
And then, we're home. Well, Matt's home. He's practically pulled me the entire way but now I'm here, I feel alot better. "Sit down." He tells me, leading me to the sofa. "I'll be right back, remember your breathing." Oh right breathing. In through the nose and out through the mouth. In, hold it for five seconds and out. He hands me a chocolate milkshake and I nod my thanks. If I don't get some sugar in me I'll just sleep now. He's still watching me, I wish I could reassure him.
"I'll...be...okay..." I gasp, still trying to get hold of my breathing. In and out. In and out. And then everything is still, it's calm again and I can breath. I look up to my big brother, his eyes tell me how scared he is, I wish I wasn't the one making him look that way. "I'm okay now." He smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes and he sits down next to me, pulling me into a hug.
"You scared me just then TK." He tells me, I can hear his voice waver, he's trying to be strong but the doctor said we all needed to talk about our feeling and I know he's only telling me because of that. I know he knows it upsets me to hear.
"I'm sorry 'Mato" I tell him, I still want to cry but I won't let the tears come. Not this time.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
Author's notes; That's the first part. I know it's short but I wasn't sure how interested people would be so I'll leave it there for now. I'm sorry if anyone feels TK's not in character, I tried to make him happy and hopeful on the outside but I'm pleased with it so far and there will definitely be more to come! PLEASE let me know what you think but be nice! As you can tell I'm kinda paranoid! *sticks out tongue* Laters!
This is going to be my first try at angst. I'm not so good at that, I'm more of a humour writer so bear with me! This is written entirely from my own experiences with fighting an affliction that never truly goes away. I chose to write it as a digimon fic and use TK as the main character mainly because after much thought I figured he would deal with it in much the same way as I did. Anyway, enough of my babbling! Please let me know what you think of this, I would really love to see if I'm getting my point across! Thanks!
Disclaimer; I do not own Digimon, I would not be here if I did. I'll let you decide where I would be...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
Part one; Outside.
~TK's POV~
As I walk towards My brother's apartment, I can't help the feeling I'm being watched. I know almost certainly that I'm not but that's just not what my mind is telling me. I won't look though, I know I'm being silly, there's no need to check... Damn it! I always look! I always let that stupid voice win!
My name is Takeru Takashi, or TK for short but that's all it is really, just a name. A label for people to call when they want my attention. I have absolutely no idea who the real 'Takeru Takashi' is anymore. He used to be an optimistic boy, full of hopes and dreams but for along time now my life has revolved around looking over my shoulder, shutting out voices and being frighten to leave the house.
Still, I'm out of the house now, in a moment of sheer desperation I ignored those stupid voices and left that prison. I would do anything to be back there right now. All these people, I feel their eyes following me and I can almost hear what they are thinking about me...
"Tk?" I ignore that for a moment, I get so used to thinking I hear my name being call when it actually is I rarely realise until whoever comes up to me. "Hey Tk!" Okay, I think that was a real voice that time.
"Matt! I was just coming to see you!" He's caught up to me know, panting slightly and looking worried. I wish I did make everyone worry so much, I hate to think I'm upsetting those I love the most.
"Your out on your own." He almost sounds hopeful, like this one crazy outing is the end of it after all these years. I smile happily, I like to smile ad I like even more to see others smile.
"Yep! I thought I'd come and see my big brother!" He smiles at me. I love to see him smile, it makes me feel normal again.
"That's great TK!" He tells me as we start walking again. "Does mum know you came all this way by yourself?" I shake my head. I didn't want to tell incase I failed again. I hate to see her upset. "We'll have to give her a call when we get back then, won't we?" He's still smiling at me. Who would have though Yamato Ishida could smile so much? He treats me like a child, but then I guess I act like it more and more lately and I know it's not easy for him, for any of them. Especially our friends. When something like this happens you find out who your true friends our, that's for sure. Outside the other digi-destined there isn't really anyone I would consider a true friend. "Are you okay TK?" I nod.
"Just thinking about friendship." I tell him, knowing that will make him smile again. I'm good at that. If I make them smile then they tend to leave me in peace. It's not working this time though, he almost looks annoyed.
"You've got to stop thinking about all those things, you know what the doctor told you." I smile sadly. You won't let me forget what that damn shrink told me! None of them will! I like to think though just like I like to be on my own alot of the time and just how I like to stay in the house. "I'm not trying to upset you TK, I just want to help you." I don't feel like smiling this time. Out of all of them I think mum and Matt are the only two who see past the smiles and jokes. It's not hard to hide it, alot of people don't even bother to look but Matt and mum, sometimes they see right through me.
"I know, I know." I can feel the tears burning my eyes and that familiar shiver down my spine. I can feel my brother watching me, I know he's wondering what to do next but I can't find my voice. My hands are starting to shake, this is how people normally notice what's happening, the breathing will come soon and then my heart will beat faster and faster and faster...
"TK? Come on TK, your almost there now, you were doing so well." I nod, letting our eyes meet for a moment, he can see the panic in there, I know he can. I feel like just closing my eyes and leaving it at that. Just never opening them again. That idea really appeals to me but I would never go through with it. I couldn't.
I can feel Matt taking hold of my trembling hand as he pulls me to the apartment. He's not embarrassed or anything, he just know that once I'm inside I'll calm down. I always do. It's safe inside, not like out here with all these people and no walls to protect you.
And then, we're home. Well, Matt's home. He's practically pulled me the entire way but now I'm here, I feel alot better. "Sit down." He tells me, leading me to the sofa. "I'll be right back, remember your breathing." Oh right breathing. In through the nose and out through the mouth. In, hold it for five seconds and out. He hands me a chocolate milkshake and I nod my thanks. If I don't get some sugar in me I'll just sleep now. He's still watching me, I wish I could reassure him.
"I'll...be...okay..." I gasp, still trying to get hold of my breathing. In and out. In and out. And then everything is still, it's calm again and I can breath. I look up to my big brother, his eyes tell me how scared he is, I wish I wasn't the one making him look that way. "I'm okay now." He smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes and he sits down next to me, pulling me into a hug.
"You scared me just then TK." He tells me, I can hear his voice waver, he's trying to be strong but the doctor said we all needed to talk about our feeling and I know he's only telling me because of that. I know he knows it upsets me to hear.
"I'm sorry 'Mato" I tell him, I still want to cry but I won't let the tears come. Not this time.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
Author's notes; That's the first part. I know it's short but I wasn't sure how interested people would be so I'll leave it there for now. I'm sorry if anyone feels TK's not in character, I tried to make him happy and hopeful on the outside but I'm pleased with it so far and there will definitely be more to come! PLEASE let me know what you think but be nice! As you can tell I'm kinda paranoid! *sticks out tongue* Laters!