"Never say never..."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That morning as I woke, sweet smells of breakfast dancing in through my nostrils. Not thinking, I turned to my side hoping to clasp my beautiful maiden into my loving arms. Nothing.

"Himemiya?"

"Yes, Miss Utena? Oh, good morning." she replied as she stuck her head out from the small kitchen.

"Oh, nothing Anthy. What time is it?"

"It's 7 o'clock, Miss Utena. Did you sleep well?"

"Of course I did. You were there with me."

"Of course, Miss Utena," she smiled that glass smile and slipped away into the kitchen once more.

What had happened? Had she forgotten? Nothing. Nothing but a blank smile and a "yes, Miss Utena." Had she really forgotten everything that happened last night? Or was last night just an act for her? And I alone here once more. A fool in the games of a mysterious manipulator! Playing with my thoughts! My soul! My dreams and my aspirations! How could you?! I hate you!

"I've freshly squeezed some orange juice and toasted some bread. I've made you an omelet with some salmon and asparagus that was left over. I know you like that."

"So it's just that easy. Make me breakfast and it all goes away!"

"I'm sorry Miss Utena, but what do you mean?"

"Nothing! Just...nothing," I spouted out while I held back the tears welling up inside of me. I couldn't hate her. I loved her far too much. And last night...last night I was almost sure she loved me too. Almost.

'Does that mean, Utena, that you...love me?'

'Yes, Anthy, it does.'

She never said it! She never said one word of it. Only pulled me here to where I have awoken from this spot on her bed. Kissed me! Toyed with my heartstrings! Nothing more! Maybe Saionji and Touga were right. Himemiya, you have no soul.

She smiled sweetly from across the table.

"What do you think? Tasty?"

"Why don't you tell me how you feel? How YOU as a person, not a Rose Bride, really feel."

"Why I...I am very glad to be here with you, Miss Utena. That is why I cheer for you. Want you to win the duel."

"Nothing more?"

"Why what do you mean, Miss Ute..."

I stormed out of the room and into the bathroom. Slipping on my uniform, tears poured down my cheeks. They burned through my skin and into my soul. Dressed, I marched out of the door, to where...God does not even know, and neither do I.

***

Time moved quickly that day. I strolled through the park and through the school buildings, past the theatre, down the stares, across the small footbridge...never growing weary. Never thinking about Anthy Himemiya. Never thinking about last night, or the way she kissed me, or they way I confessed my love to her, or the way I waited for an Eternity for her to repeat such words to me. My footing staggered, I could no longer hold myself up from the force of pain and gravity on me body. I was weak. Weaker than ever. What could have made me believe I could have ever been a prince? Never could I be a prince. Never. Especially if I had no princess. Slowly, I began to fall from my stance. Slipping away from my spot here. Not caring where I went or what happened to me. Then two arms rushed about my body. My waist incased in the stranger's protection. But so familiar was the stranger's arms. But without my strength, I could not bare to turn around.

"Miss Utena! Are you alright? I've been looking for you since you left, but you ran so fast. It's far to hot outside for you to take such a long walk. You must feel terrible! Oh, I do hope you don't have heat stroke."

"Anthy?" I squinted my eyes and pieced out her face from the bright lighting of the sun. She pulled me up and slipped my arm over her shoulder. And with that she returned me to our room. She laid me down on the bed and opened my uniform jacket and then opened the window. A fan, she plugged into the wall and set it up next to me. My eyes began to close and sleep almost became me. But in a few seconds it seemed, Himemiya was back with a cup full of shaved ice.

"Miss Utena! Don't pass out. Please have some shaved ice. And after that, maybe some water."

She rushed about in panic for me making sure that I would be fine. What was it about her that made her do this? She's never done this before. Except when I first came into this dorm and she was cleaning up the room. All I can do is chuckle inside at the mere memory of that. At least I know she cares. At the very least I know that much.

However, now I was alone. Again, I was alone without anything to love me. All that was there was my prince, my Dios up there in the sky watching down on me from Eternity. Wherever he was, I know he was there. Even though Anthy was around me all of the time, I still felt a bit isolated from her. From the feeling I only wished she had. And then when she went out on Saturday nights to visit her brother...her brother. He was a very kind man with a smile paralleling his sister's. Both of them had a smile that could shake you from the very ground you walked on. It could make you horrified and scream and run for cover from your past. Anthy's was glass, but Akio's...Akio's...was like a burning candle in the wind. Or was that me?

That was one of our last days in our dorm before we moved in with Akio into the planetarium and the chairman's quarters. Anthy and I were even closer now as we slept. Face to face with my Bride. But now things seemed interrupted. Something was wrong. She was getting closer to me, but always she was hiding something. Something that was there the whole time; something she could not let surface.

She was not the only one; however, to get closer to me. There was also Akio. He was there at every wrong turn it seemed. At that fire in Wakaba's dorm, when the teachers were once again lecturing me about my choice of wardrobe, and even when I sprained my ankle...he drove me straight to the hospital...in that car.

And even after Nanami came and went, Akio was still there with me...I mean, us, with that car. And for every step closer I came to Akio, I seemed to step one step back from Anthy. And deep inside I could tell there was something wrong, but I couldn't pinpoint what it was. I began to question everything. Anthy, my feelings, my dream. 'Was it really such a good idea?' I mean, I wanted-no-I aspired to becoming a brave and noble prince. That was my destiny, but somewhere deep inside, I always felt this small longing. A longing to be a Princess. To be rescued and taken care of, without a care in the world. But was that what I wanted now? Is that what I wanted with Akio? What did I want? What was I? Who is Utena Tenjou?!!

"Miss Utena, could you do me a favor and deliver these roses to my brother?"

"Why, of course, Anthy. No trouble at all. These are very beautiful roses I might add."

And that's when it started...the first time I...I...

I'm ashamed. Not a word I uttered in the car ride back. Not a word. All I could think about was what I had done. Nobility shattered into a thousand shards of broken crystal. My heart-a confused and twisted kaleidoscope of ideals swirling about-so very lost. What could I do but sit there in that car just as I had laid there in that bed and think. Think of nothingness. Think of shame. Think of the things that still tied me back to my normal self. So many strings were cut by Akio; so many strings. But I was still sustained by one lost string.

"I'll have to make my lunch in the morning. Let's see...there's some salmon and some asparagus...an omelet. But we left those things out all night. I hope their still good."

One thing left to tie me to the prince I once was, to the prince I aspired to be.

"Usually we make lunch from last night's leftovers. There's always enough for Anthy and me."

The only thing to bring me back. The only thing to surface through my brain after such a night.

Himemiya...

...tell me...

...what is eternity...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Things never turn out as they are planned..."